OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Ambrose is In
May 4, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

I probably only mentioned it in passing, but back in December, when Colbert and Ferguson left the airwaves on back-to-back nights, that was really tragic for me.

The only reason I sort of glossed past it is because of my brother's car wreck, which wound up being a much more all-consuming tragedy.

But make no mistake: The Colbert Report and the Late Late Show were my two favorite shows from my favorite block of TV (the hours between 11pm and 2am), and just like that, they were both gone.

Their replacements materialized soon enough, but I watched "The Nightly Show" and James Corden with an overly judgmental eye. I wasn't just gonna let them waltz in and enjoy the same unconditional access to my pre-bed ritual, simply because they were in the same timeslots.

But over time, they both grew on me, and as if by fate, both put on outstanding shows last Thursday night that seemed to me to define each of their signature styles. Wilmore actually went to Baltimore and sat down with gang members at a Dennys, which perfectly encapsulated his focus on hot button issues and his willingness to do any damned crazy thing at the tip of a hat (all while incorporating the panel discussion element, to boot). Corden did a show where he got the most out of his guests (he forces them to all come out and talk at the same time, no taking turns; sometimes, that gets awkward, but other times, it's crazy fun), had a hilarious remote comedy bit where he took over as a matress salesman, and capped it off with an excellent band.

Good times. I think the probationary period is over, and both Larry Wilmore and James Corden can rest easy, knowing that they will not be erased from my DVR any time soon.

Something else that will never not be on my DVR record list: wrestling. So much wrestling. Here's what happened on the three hours of it that I watched tonight:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, and we're live in Montreal, Quebec. Prepare a crowd full of Extra-Contrary Wankers! Cole & The Gang only get in a quick welcome, because Randy Orton's already almost to the ring, and he wants to talk.

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

Orton muses, "Hmmmm, Payback. Payback. Payback, what a fitting name for our next PPV, because Payback is exactly what I will get against Seth Rollins." Somehow, such a completely unoriginal, uninspired, borderline braindead sentiment is pitch perfect coming from Randall's mouth. Over a decade of adequacy has firmly established that that line is EXACTLY what a man of Orton's mental capacity would come up with if he had 7 full days to prepare his big opening hook.

But I digress. Orton says he's gonna be the one to beat Seth Rollins and become the WWE Champion, Roman Reigns interrupted. He entered through the crowd, and managed to get out, "It ain't happening like that" before my brother's cable box decided to reboot.

Four minutes later, it came back on, and the New Day were standing on top of the stage, mocking Orton and Reigns, and getting booed for it. Then, they drop some knowledge on us. Orton and Reigns will be teaming up to face the New Day. The WHOLE New Day, 3-on-2. And it's not a challenge, it's an order straight from Director of Operations, Kane.

Furthermore, it's starting right now. You know what? Screw going out and trying to figure out what happened in those 4 minutes... I think you (and I) all got the gist of it. Let's just proceed with the match:

RANDY ORTON & ROMAN REIGNS vs. THE NEW DAY

The announcers argue over whether this is a Handicap Match, or just a tag match under Freebird Rules (remember, it has been confirmed that the New Day will be allowed to defend the tag titles in any combination of 2)... it's clearly a Handicap Match, but don't let that stop Booker and JBL from acting like this is a legitimate mattre up for debate.

Fast start for the good guys, putting the tension behind them for the first few minutes. Frequent tags and solid teamwork. But then, Orton's in the ring against Woods, when a tag is made to Big E. Woods stays in the ring, Kofi leaves the legal corner for an adjacent corner, and Big E steps in. The New Day have triangulation of distraction, and Orton once again exhibiting his overall lack of brightness, turns his back on Big E so he can glance back and forth between Kofi and Woods.

Result: as soon as he turns around, E hits him with a massive suplex. Just like that, Orton's trapped in the proverbial wrong part of town (are we still allowed to say that? or is that a no-no because of, you know?, Baltimore?), and we take a break for....

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Back, and Orton's managing to fight back, and pretty quickly gets separation and a tag to Reigns. Almost as quickly, Reigns finds himself back on the short end of the stick... but it doesn't last too long, and was mostly just a reset so that the real hot tag belongs to Orton (the fans are definitely more behind him than they are Reigns, because once again, it's Canada, and they like being contrary even after everybody else has started easing up on Reigns the past couple weeks)...

When said tag comes, Woods makes the corresponding move to Kofi, and Orton lights him up, and coils. Woods tries to interfere, but he eats a Flash RKO... Kofi tries to take advantage of the distraction, and grabs Orton. But Reigns tries running in to counter with a Spear. Kofi sidesteps, and Reigns spears Orton.

Big E shows up to usher Reigns out of the ring, while Kofi makes the cover.

Your Winners: the New Day, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Perfectly acceptable execution of the tag formula, with a few extra bells and whistles (the dual layer Face in Peril, which amplified the handicap element; they had to work twice as hard to make the comeback), leading up to an unexpected finish. I won't get all excited about it, but I will gladly take it.

After the Match: Reigns and Orton started giving each other the Death Stare. Then Kane came out on the stage, and says "Mwhahahaha, exactly as I planned. I see you two aren't exactly seeing eye to eye, anymore. Don't let me stop you. In fact, let's foster that. Tonight, in our main event, it's Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns, one-on-one."

Crowd likes it, but Orton and Reigns both have a more resigned look on their faces.... sure, they're sort of fed up with each other, right now, but they see this for what it is: the Authority trying to soften both of them up for Seth Rollins by making them wrestle a second time.

Backstage: Kane is walking back to his office, and stumbles upon Seth Rollins (w/ J & J). Rollins sarcastically congratulates Kane on a good decision, then says he knows Kane is just trying to get back in the good graces of the Authority. But it's too late: as terrible as Kane has been lately, this is like being naughty all year, and then trying to kiss up to Santa on Christmas Eve. Kane immediately calls Seth's analogy into question, stating he was never much of a Santa Guy. He was more like the kind of kid who waited in the chimney with a blowtorch, on the off chance he might get to roast Santa's nuts. TV-PG, FTW~!

But then, it gets serious, and Kane says everything he's done is what's best for business. Rollins says, No, because if it's not best for the Champ, then it's not best for business. This is clearly not true, and Kane just says they'll have to agree to disagree. And tonight, if Rollins' two challengers are having a match, then it'd be good for business if the Champ had a match, too. So on the grounds that SD's main event was marred by outside interference, we're having a do over: Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose, and this time, J & J are banned from ringside.

Seth loses it, because first, he doesn't even deserve to have a match. And second, Kane's banning J & J, but KANE is the one who interferred in that match! Kane gives Rollins a choice: either the match goes off as Kane just said, or we can turn it into a match where Rollins has one arm tied behind his back. Or both legs tied together. Or just tie Rollins to the ring post, and anything goes. It's up to Rollins.

Obviously, Rollins grudgingly demurs.

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RY-BERG

We come back to see The Perpetually Lovely Renee Young standing in the middle of the ring. She gets a huge pop, on the grounds that she is Canadian. That dress probably didn't hurt, either. She introduces Ryback, who did not get nearly as large a pop.

When Ryback gets to the ring, he tries to win them over with, "Montreal, you hungry tonight?" And they just murmur and boo a little.

Renee asks a question about if Ryback knows why Bray Wyatt did what he did, and starts explaining how, No, he has no idea. The crowd decides to chant "GOLD BERG" at him. For 30 seconds, he tries talking over it. Then he gives up and turns to the crowd with a cheesy, "Awww, I love you, too." That shuts 'em up, and even gets a mild "FEED ME MOAR" chant.

But then it's back to bored silence as Ryback tells his story of many trials and tribulations, and if multiple doctors and multiple surgeries and multiple diagnoses that his career were over didn't scare him, then Bray Wyatt's psychobabble sure as hell won't. As he wraps up his spiel about overcoming odds and achieving his dreams, a few of the Extra-Contrary ones in the crowd do a "WE WANT WHY YAT" chant.

And they get him. Sort of. On the Tron, Wyatt pops up and pretty much calls BS on Ryback's whole promo, because the trials that Ryback says he's experienced aren't the same kind of things that Wyatt is talking about. Physical injury and rehab work are matters of the flesh, but what Ryback fears, what all men fear, is a matter of the mind. Ryback is a strong body, but Wyatt is the new face of fear, and he'll dismantle Ryback from the inside out. RUN!

OK, so that's me paraphrasing. But that's the message Wyatt's trying to convey, and I think I just did it in a more intuitive fashion. Ryback gets no retort, we just slam cut to...

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TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/ Natalya) vs. THE ASCENSION

The announcers do their best to undercut the Ascension with little jokes, but Kidd and Cesaro are willing to do some business. With time apparently at a premium, Kidd becomes the insta-Face-in-Peril, and after about 90 seconds, Cesaro even has to come in to break up a pin after a double-team move.

Shortly there after Kidd flips through a suplex attempt, and Cesaro gets the hot tag. Uppercuts For All! Actually, I think Konnor only took about 2, but Viktor took upwards of 8 or 10. Swingus Interruptus, and it's over.

Your Winners: Cesaro and Kidd, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Contrary to the petty and juvenile Voice in the Headset's hazing of the Ascension, they looked strong early, and that resulted in Cesaro and Kidd's ultimate victory actually felt like it meant something. That's how you do a time compressed invert-o-squash.

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Seth Rollins, and asks about the Kane-ordered match tonight where he faces Dean Ambrose. Seth says, for one, he doesn't sweat Dean Ambrose, and for two, Kane's a moron. Ooooooh, rwawrrrrrrrrr.

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Prelude: it's time for Rollins/Ambrose, but just as the bell is about to ring, Kane comes out on the stage and says that he heard Rollins' comments before the break, and if Rollins isn't taking this match seriously, maybe Kane needs to add a sense of urgency. It'd be, you know?, better for business that way.

Therefore, this match now has a new stipulation: if Dean Ambrose wins, he is added to the WWE Title match at Payback, amking it a Fatal Fourway. For the second time tonight, Rollins flips his lid at Kane, trying to say that there was a vote on the App, and that's totally binding, and Kane doesn't have the authority...

But nope, Kane says he has made his ruling. Ambrose conducts a straw poll of the crowd, saying he doesn't want to upset anyone, but they all want him added... so Ambrose accepts, Kane says to ring the bell, and we're off....

DEAN AMBROSE vs. SETH ROLLINS (Qualifying Match for Payback)

As Rollins keeps on bitching and moaning to anyone who'll listen, the ref rings the bell, and Ambrose strikes. He dominates the opening minutes, following Rollins outside the ring and keeping the heat on when Rollins tries to powder out. But they do a little cat and mouse role reversal when Ambrose follows Rollins back into the ring.

Rollins with fairly methodical offense, opting for a few crossfaces, punctuated by dickish taunting of the crowd. When Ambrose powers up out of one of those restholds, he's able to flip Rollins over the top rope. Rollins crumbles in a heap, and Ambrose has had the starch taken out of him, so he's regrouping, too. We break for...

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Back, and Rollins is working another modified head-thingie. Not quite a chinlock, not quite a crossface. Then he turns it into a neck wringer. Ambrose tries firing up again, this time, it appears he'll have traction after a Tornado DDT. But both men down, and the ref applies the double count.

Both men up at 6, and Ambrose wins the exchange of punches, then goes on a tear, culminating in an attempted standing elbow drop. Rollins dodges and rolls outside. Ambrose lands on his feet and turns it into a big ass plancha. That gets a "HO LEE SHIT" chant.

Back in the ring, Ambrose goes for the Rebound Clothesline, but Rollins ducks it, and Ambrose turns it into.... well, let's call that an Atomic Facebuster, because it starts with Ambrose lifting Rollins up, as if for an Atomic Drop, but then he flips Rollins all the way through into a facebuster. Booker just calls it "Oh my, whattamaneuver" (the Voice in the Headsets is strong tonight!), and I vote that should get another "HO LEE SHIT!" Montreal settles on "THIS IS AWE SOME."

Quick back and forth grapple. Rollins goes for the Stinger Splash, but whiffs. Ambrose back up top for the Standing Elbow, again, and this time, it hits. That's his second convincing near fall in a row. Or, in Canadaian, "TWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When those Canuck freaks start singing that Soccer Wanker Song, Ambrose decides to do a little cha cha for them. Rollins responds by clotheslining his neck over the top rope, hitting a step-up enzuigiri, and then COMPLETELY WHIFFING on a springboard move.

But it's live TV, and Ambrose sold it like it hit, so they just rolled with it. Cole covered with the standard "grazing blow" line, and Ambrose kicked out at TWWWWWOOOOOOOOO.

Rollins started trashtalking Ambrose. Ambrose bitchslapped Rollins. Rollins responded with a stiff-ass superkick that was the opposite of a whiff for another TWWWWOOOOOO that erased any issues.

Ambrose back up, and a bit of double reversey ends with Ambrose hitting a big clothesline that sent both men over the top rope. More back and forthy outside the win, and this time, Rollins wins it, and hits his Turnbuckle Bomb, except not into a turnbuckle.... he powerbombs Ambrose into the barricade.

Rollins would gladly take the count-out, so he gets in the ring and gloats. Ambrose just barely breaks the count at 9. Rollins tries to keep the pedal down, but Ambrose fights back, and hits still another Rebound Clothesline, a wicked stiff one... it's so dire that J&J decide to run out, and risk disqualification.

The ref has his DQ'ing arm ready, but Ambrose manages to dispatch both of 'em. Rollins strikes from behind, taking advantage of the distraction, but just when you think evil has prevailed, Ambrose hits a quick go behind into a roll-up, and gets the pinfall!

Your Winner, and New #1 Contender: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Good match, hot finish, intriguing development in which Ambrose is added to Payback. That's quality entertainment. All three Shield guys in a match for the WWE Title. Orton's sort of in the way of that story, but it's still pretty cool.

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Backstage: Rollins storms into Kane's office, wanting to know what's Kane's problem, why's he screwing with the Champ. Kane calmly says the Universe made it a triple threat, and Rollins is the one who lost to make it a Fatal Fourway. So unless Rollins wants Kane to keep adding guys, he better cool his jets, and accept that this is best for business, and in the long run, it'll be best for Rollins, because it will challenge Rollins and make him an even better performer.

Rollins isn't buying it, but Kane assures him, "Plus, the show's only half over. And I have a plan." Rollins just gives us exasperation to the Nth degree.

Elsewhere Backstage: Byron Saxton is standing by with Lana. She gets a big pop, and as if by fate, Saxton's question is, "So, Rusev's the most hated man in WWE, but you're getting a positive response..." Lana just cuts him off and claims not to know what he's talking about. Without Rusev there is no Lana, she is only here for the advancement of Rusev's career.

But then, Fandango shows up? No, strike that: Fandango arrives. Period. Not a question mark. It's still pretty random, though.

"Lana, take it from Fandango. When the WWE Universe embraces you, you should embrace it, not fight it. The feeling you get when you do is euphoric. Just watch...." Then Fandango leaves, and I guess I get why he's the one who showed up. He tried to antognozie the Universe, but he gave in, and went back to his old ways, and is loving it. He's a good guy to give advice to Lana, here....

But as Fandago leaves, Rusev shows up, and is all "What the hell?" Well, not in English, but he was NOT pleased that Lana just had an interaction with Fandango. And just like that, I suspect Fandango's next segment just got a lot less euphoric...

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FANDANGO vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Bell rings, and Montreal declares, "WE WANT LAH NAH." This just makes Rusev even angrier than he'd normally be.

Then, when Fandango lands his first punch, he "celebrates" by diving outside and hit on Lana. Well, maybe not "hit on," but he starts Fandangoing, and invites her to join in. When she does (and enthusiastically, at that; not timid or self-conscious) the place erupts, and Rusev goes berzerk. He gets a running start and clobbers Fandango from behind.

Then, he gives Lana a talking-to, sending her back to the lockerroom. That brief distraction allows Fandango to stage a brief moment of hope. But we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Rusev, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. We are definitely going the Macho Man & Liz route, now. But in order to get the vibe exactly right, they need Lana to be a bit more shy/demure when embraces the love from the crowd (and from other guys on the roster). Lana just jumping into a full speed Fandangoing was more a Girl Gone Wild behavior, when Miss Elizabeth v2.0 should be more like "What, me? Oh no, I couldn't possibly... well, maybe a little bit, just to be polite, but it's not like people will cheer for little ol' me."

Or maybe that's just me. WWE could probably have her keep going from Zero to Drunk College Sophomore in 4 seconds flat, and worst case scenario, they get a new Stacey Kiebler out of it. I just think that with as much of an established character as there is at this point, as much time and care need to go into UNdoing it as went into building it, otherwise you're missing out on maximizing Lana's face turn.

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R-TRUTH vs. STARDUST

With an inset pretape, Stardust makes it clear that he's feeling a Cosmic Void after Truth cost him a shot at King of the Ring last week, and now, he knows JUST how to get his revenge on that "womprat." And Stardust has a bag with him, which he places in the corner when the match starts.

From the anvilicious announcing, I quickly deduce that there are spiders in the bag. Probably not even real ones. But they keep yammering on about Truth's hatred of spiders, while still acting confused about what's in the bag.

Action is about 2 minutes of rudderless back and forthy, then Truth gains a solid advantage, and gets a convincing near. Then, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he goes to check out the bag. It's a bunch of plastic spiders, and Truth freaks out. Cody rolls him up.

Your Winner: Stardust, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. I like Stardust getting that win back (not as much as I would have liked Cosmic King Stardust, but baby steps), no matter how goofy it was. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever wankery bullshit the fans got up to, so as not to encourage them or make them think that we approve?

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JOHN CENA'S US TITLE OPEN CHALLENGE

Cena comes out, and is the most hated man in Quebec. As I outlined in the preview I did for the Forums, this is actually an opportunity for WWE to play with the situation and create the briefest moment -- with a bizarro crowd, in the home of the screw job -- where there's some doubt that Cena retains that title. It'll just take the right opponent.

Even after Cena's music stops, the "JOHN CENA SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS" sing song goes on for a solid minute, actually getting louder as it went on. When Cena stopped being a good sport about it, and started acting annoyed, the sing song stopped and turned to boos. Cena tried to commence his interview. The wankers responded with that Soccer Wanker Song. Canada, you care about soccer about as much as the USA; probably even less, since at least we can field a semi-competitive team to care about once every four years. You like that OTHER sport that America briefly pays attention to once every four years, but not nearly as much as we used to before the Soviet Union collapsed.

But finally, Cena is able to start on with his thesis, which is about how "I Quit" are two words that mean a lot to him, and even though he knows a lot of these fans wish he would just quit and go away for ever, he will never give up. BOO! Cena reiterates the silly stipulation about not wanting a rematch against Rusev, even if he loses the US Title, because HONOR and LOYALTY and probably HUSTLE and other words Cena shouts in his fakey angry street voice.

The crowd continues to revolt, and Cena eventually tries to tie into that by saying he loves their passion. He may not agree with them, but they have passion, and he loves that. But that's the difference between them and Rusev. Those fans have passion. Rusev just wants to win a match. These fans and Cena are alike in that, and he actually starts to get them on his side by talking about hockey (Montreal wants its second hockey team back, apparently).

By the time he hits the "Champ is here" punchline, he's swayed the crowd from 10/90 to roughly 50/50. Then, he calls for his next US Open challenger....

It's.... Bret Hart? Strike that. For the second time tonight, I let the question mark in my voice seep into my typing.

It's Bret Hart. Period.

But I don't think he wants a US Title Match.

But he grabs a mic, and he declares that he IS here to introduce a great wrestler who totally deserves a US Title shot...

And then Heath Slater interrupts him.

Slater comes out on the stage, and says his chance to win the US Title was already stolen from him twice (once by Orton, and once by RUsev), and that's not gonna happen again. He walks to the ring, and as he steps into the ring, Slater says, "I'm sick and tired of being attacked out of nowhere." He walks right into a right hand from Bret Hart. FOILED AGAIN~!

But then, Bret resumes his introduction of a great wrestler and a hometown hero...... oh shit, I'm sorry Montreal. You weren't singing that Soccer Wanker song because you like soccer.

You were singing it because Sami Zayn spent the vast majority of his career pretending to be Mexican.

For some reason, I totally blanked on that as even a remote possibility. But now, it's an overwhelming probability.

The next words out of Bret's mouth are, "He's been amazing in NXT" and Montreal loses its shit, cheering over the part where Bret thinks he'll comport himself well against John Cena. For his part, Cena gets real serious and focused as soon as Hart mentions Zayn by name.

That match is coming up next. By which we mean, after these....

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JOHN CENA vs. SAMI ZAYN (US Title Match)

Cena goes for a traditional lock-up, Zayn catches him with a flash dropkick, so Cena bails out and decides to start giving off a more heelish vibe. Golf claps and such.

As Cena continues to antagonize the crowd (with a chinlock), the announcers talk up the upcoming NXT Takeover, where Zayn is challenging for the NXT TItle (that's actually part of the reason why I didn't think Zayn for this gig; having him job on TV before an NXT event would actually be a dick move). Then Zayn starts fighting out of the chinlock, and Cena counters with the standard back bodydrop suplex.

All of a sudden, the ref calls for a docter, because Zayn landed hard on his shoulder. The previously injured shoulder that Kevin Owens destroyed and cost Zayn the NXT Title to begin with. The trainer shows up and consults with Sami. He decides to let the match continue. I begin to see the big picture. Zayn CAN job on RAW, and it's NOT a dick move if it tells the story of his NXT Title chase and why he wants to beat Owens.

Cena shows no mercy, and just goes to work on Zayn, drawing boos. When Zayn manages a comeback, by flipping through a slam, into a roll-up, the fans pop for the near fall. That's EXACTLY what I was talking about when I said WWE could play this US Open challenge for moments of actual drama, given the atmosphere.

Zayn follows up with a jump up crossbody for another TWWWWWOOOOO. And just like that, Cena decides to powder out again. Jerk.

Zayn decides to go for broke, with a no hands plancha.... and it hits, but he comes up holding his shoulder. So he's a bit slow following up, and when they get back into the ring, Cena's able to snag the SSTF. Zayn fights it, and gets a rope break.

Cena steps back, and for the first time, kind of gives a disrespectful vibe. As soon as he heads back towards Zayn, Zayn gets the Koji Clutch. Cena powers out, and goes for an F-U. Zayn sneaks out the back door and gets another roll up. But his shoulder is hurting, and his follow up is delayed.... so when he charges, Cena catches him with a clothesline.

The smirking, dickish Cena continues to emerge, as he sets up for another F-U. This time, Zayn flips out and lands on his feet... on the rebound, both men hit clotheslines. Both men down. Zayn first to his feet, so Cena bails out of the ring again.

This time, Zayn has a plan, and dives out ont he opposite side of the ring. And then he gets a running start, and hits his signature Corner Cut Flying Tornado DDT. Holy shit, indeed.

He takes it back into the ring, and in command for the first time, he actually plays to the crowd a bit. Mistake, rook! Cena hits the Flash F-U. But Zayn kicks out at TWWWWWOOOOOOO! And the crowd goes wild.

Cena is frustrated and actually backs the ref into the corner to argue with him. Jerk.

Cena turns around and picks up Zayn.... Zayn pushes him off, and catches him coming back off the ropes with the Blue Thunder Bomb. TWWWWWOOOOOO! And also, "THIS IS AWE SOME!"

Both men slow to their feet, and they start trading punches. Slowly, Cena wins the fisticuffsmanship because, well, he should... Zayn musters one last flurry, which shoves Cena towards the ropes.... but Cena uses it, jumps to the ropes, and hits the Springboard Stunner. Then, the F-U hits. And though the crowd starts murmuring, that's that.

Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Very good stuff that comes off even better thanks to the crowd (and the lack of an ad break, too!). After the match, Cena raised Zayn's hand, and made it clear that a future WWE Superstar was born. But in the meantime, they did a match that took GREAT advantage of the Canadian crowd and the US Open gimmick, while also telling a story that ties into Zayn vs. Owens. Pretty awesome. If you already watch NXT, you've seen Zayn do better. But if you figure it doesn't count until it happens on a real TV show, this might be worth tracking down on the youbutes, as your entry into Sami Zayn.

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Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with the New Day, who are deliciously obnoxious as they are unreasonably pleased with themselves for winning earlier tonight. Cesaro and Kidd show up to remind them that they only won because Reigns and Orton hate each other, and also,that the fans are NOT chanting "NEW. DAYROCKS." It's "NEW. DAYSUCKS." Nattie opts for a particularly jiggly presentation of the Clap. Kofi and Eggsavier do the Comedy Heel Freak Out, but Big E tries to hold it all together by hauling them back and growling "This negativity will not stand."

NIKKI BELLA (w/ Brie) vs. NAOMI (w/ Surprise) (Not Actually a Match)

As the Bellas are on their way towards the ring, Naomi sprints out to attack them from behind. And she's got help. It's Tamina Snuka, finally back after almost a year injury layoff.

Together, the two kick the ever loving shit out of both Bellas. The best Montreal can come up with is a "She's a Man" chant at Tamina. Really, over a week into the Bruce Jenner Interview Era, and you go THERE, people. Boo.

If you want to make a joke, it's that Tamina is clearly the only one getting super fired up for the Mad Max remake. Naomi also reigned in the neon accents to match Tamina's vibe.

End result: Nikki has a meddling sister. But Naomi has back-up.

Prefatory Matters: Here's our new King, Bad News Barrettt. And he's none to pleased to be here among "filthy commoners," but he figures it's a big week for the Royal Family, what with a new Royal Baby, and also the new King. He promises Bullhammers all around for anyone who dares to cross him. "All Hail King Barrett."

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DOLPH ZIGGLER & NEVILLE vs. SHEAMUS & KING BARRETT

Ziggler opts to start, so Sheamus opts to tell Barrett "He's all yours." Barrett takes no offense, and gets ON offense promptly. Glancing at the clock, I'm guessing time compression is on.

Barrett gets the better of Ziggler for about 45 seconds, Ziggler gets separation, tag to Neville. Barrett rolls outside. It's only been 2 mintues since the last ad break, but here's another one....

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I was right. By the magic of time compression, Sheamus is working over Ziggler when we come back. Then Sheamus goes all Bully Mode after about 1 minute (trashtalking "Ziggy"), so Ziggler just hits him with a superkick, and it's Neville back in on the tag. Barrett in on the corresponding move.

Neville on fire, and gets a convincing near fall after a standing moonsault. But Neville misses a corner charge, Neville crashes hard, and Barrett lines up the Bullhammer. Neville ducks, and a Pier Four Brawl breaks out. It takes about 15 seconds for Ziggler and Sheamus to powder out. They brawl into the Timekeeper Cubicle.

Back in the ring, Neville hits a wheel kick and goes up top for the Red Arrow. But when he comes off, Barrett catches him in mid-air with the Bullhammer.

Your Winners: King Barrett and Sheamus, via pinfall, in 6 mintues. But 3 of those minutes were ads, and this was Time Compression On Display. That's the flip side of the "Cena vs. Zayn, uninterrupted" coin. D'oh.

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RANDY ORTON vs. ROMAN REIGNS

Once both men are in the ring, we get a brief delay, as Rollins, Kane, and J&J hit the ring. And Kane's not wearing a suit, anymore. He's stripped down to his Battle Trousers (a/k/a Action Slacks).

Jamie Noble grabs a mic, and introduces our very special Guest Ring Announcer: Him. Plus, our Guest Timekeeper: Joey Mercury. Plus, our Special Guest Enforcer: Kane. And our Special Guest Commentator: Seth Rollins.

So that's how it's gonna be, eh? Reigns immediately tries to talk sense to Orton. "Hey, look, it's a set-up. Let's just both of us call this off and fight them, together." Orton, not being friendly with sense, just goes for a Flash RKO on Reigns. Reigns pushes him off, and the two start a traditional feeling-out process.

Reigns and Orton just go back and forth and back again for a bit, and then the match spills out of the ring.... Reigns had gained control, but a distraction from Noble allows Orton to hit a sneaky move. Now, it's Orton in control, and Mercury tries to confront him. Kane holds Mercury back, but the distraction allows Reigns to make a comeback.

Even Steven seems to be the story.

More back and forth. Orton tries for his powerslam. Reigns is all "Nope, I got that scouted." Reigns goes for a Samoan Drop, Orton has THT scouted. Very much tit for tat until Reigns gains an edge, and hits his Jumping Apron Dropkick Thingie.

Reigns sets up for the Superman Punch, but only after pausing (however briefly) to skunkeye the Authority. Orton dodges the Superman Punch and sets up for the Hanging DDT.

Orton coils, and pounds th at. When he tries to strike, he gets the Superman Punch, right on the jaw. The momentum takes Orton out of the ring. Reigns sets up for a plancha.... but J&J reach up to trip him up, and then ROllins joins in for a 4-on-1 attack on Orton.

Reigns regains his senses, and sees the mass of humanity on the floor. So he gets a running strt and dives out over the top rope onto them.

At this point, it just breaks down into a huge brawl, and I have to assume it's a no decision.

Your Winner: None, via massive schmozz, in about 6 miinutes. Kind of a lame and predictable way to cap off the night, but given that the main event for Payback was changed tonight, maybe there's still another shoe to drop?

After the Match: Sure enough, the Authority are just 4-on-2'ing Reigns and Orton, to the point that the fans quit booing and start chanting "WE WANT AM BROZ." And they get him.

Ambrose sprints out and goes right for ROllins. Takes him out. Goes for Kane, taks him out. Orton and Rollins take care of J&J. Then Rollins tries for one more sneak attack, but eats a Spear from Reigns.

RKO from Orton on Reigns.

Dirty Deeds from Ambrose to Orton.

Ambrose celebrates. He's the last man standing as w fade to black....

And so ends the show... that was a damned fine 3 hours of TV. You had some nice surprises (Ambrose added to the title match, New Day actually beat Reigns/Orton, Zayn debuts, Tamina returns) and you had some very good in-ring action (Cena/Zayn and Rollins/Ambrose were both as good as you'll get on any given Monday). Throw in a red hot crowd, which added atmosphere and sizzle, and the complaints I can come up with seem trivial.

Ziggler/Neville/Sheamus/Barrett was criminally short, yeah. And I'm not entirely sure Ryback/Wyatt is gonna light the world on fire, even after they return from BizarroLand. Oh, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention all the obnoxious promotional filler (about Tough Enough and so forth) that I don't put into the recap, but it really does add up to 10 minutes or more of time that seems pretty much wasted to me.

But like I said: trivial in comparison to how awesome the show was, as a whole. Let's go ahead and give tonight's RAW a final grade of A-minus. Yes, I could pick a few nits, but on the whole, that's an effort WWE can be proud of.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.