OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
The Road to Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling~!
April 20, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So I spent my Saturday night in Weather Watching Mode. There was a tornado sighted just west of Ft. Worth, and so we were under a Tornado Warning, and my mom freaked out and called and stuff.

Granted, I'm used to Ohio Weather, where there are an average of 0.23 Tornado Warnings per year, but even I knew she was overreacting. My brother, Alan, in whose house I'm living (for reasons already discussed at length), was even more dismissive, because since he moved here, he averages 6 Tornado Warnings per year. And as long as you stay on top of the news, you'll stay safe, because they may issue a warning for an entire county, but have the technology to track twisters down to the block where they'll actually do damage.

Anyway, no tornado got within 20 miles, and I am safe. But is it wrong that, now, I kinda hope that my duties in Texas last long enough that I get at least one more Tornado Scare? I have a long-standing obsession with bad weather, and I was actually let down when Saturday delivered nothing but pelting rain, and a little straight-line wind. Seems like, if they happen 6 times per year, I SHOULD get one more, dammit...

But I digress. Here's what happened on tonight's just-completed edition of RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

LATER TONIGHT, RANDY ORTON DOES SOMETHING HE'S ALREADY DONE A BUNCH OF TIMES... PRETEND TO CARE~!

And as we cut to the inside of the arena in Albany, NY, the cage that will house Sunday's WWE Title Match is lowering into position, and then Randy Orton (the challenger in said match) heads towards the ring. He grabs a mic and steps inside.

He opens by saying, "For a guy who thinks he's so smart, Seth Rollins sure is a stupid bastard." Because the RKO is NOT Orton's best weapon. His brutality and capacity for inflicting pain is his greatest weapon. The RKO is quick, and effective, when it comes to winning matches. But there will be nothing quick about Sunday. It'll be a long, slow thrashing, and every bone in Rollins' body will be aching, and every inch of his skin on fire... he'll be WISHING for the RKO and the sweet sweet finality it would bring.

Seth Rollins comes out on the stage to retort. He's all dismissive, mockingly recapping Orton's thesis, "So I'm a jerk, you're a hero, and on Sunday, you're gonna make all these fans happy by taking my WWE Title. Whee." Obviously, the fans like that Cliff's Notes version of things, but Rollins says it's not gonna happen that way. He says Orton's good, make no mistake.... he's just nowhere near being in the same league as a maestro like Seth Rollins. In fact, he promises -- PROMISES -- that Orton will NOT win the WWE Title on Sunday.

So that's reality, Randy. You're talking a good game, but Sunday, the talking is over, and Rollins will defeat Orton... Seth just hopes Orton gets all this big talk out of his system by then.

Orton picks up on that, and says, "Yeah, yeah, I like that. I'm gonna get it all out of my system tonight. When I step out of this ring, and head to the back, if I don't like the way someone looks at me, I'm gonna RKO them. Each and every one of them. And then, before the night is over, I'm gonna RKO you, Seth Rollins."

Welp, it's something to provide the narrative throughline for the night... and I'm sure Orton's bigger fans think it's a totally compelling one. But to me, it's more like "Stay tuned to see Orton do something to Seth Rollins that he's already done a bunch of times, and this time, pretend to care more than you should, because on Sunday, Orton won't be doing it." Meh. It'll be fine if they deliver sooner than later, but if they milk it all the way to the final segment, I'm really not feeling it.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. LUKE HARPER

Coming out of WrestleMania, this felt like a for-sure PPV-worthy feud for Extreme Rules (likely with a table stipulation).... even more PPV-worthy than Miz vs. Sandow. But tonight, both feuds are being paid off here on RAW. Huh.

During ring intros, Harper grabs a mic and simply says, "Dean Ambrose, I don't know why you ain't afeared of me, boy. But after tonight, you wlll be." Then the bell rings, and Ambrose bum rushes Harper, to show that he's not at all intimidated... but Harper uses his sizze and strength to win the early exchange.

Ambrose gets a quick hope spot, but when the match spills outside the ring, Harper regains command for a brawl through the crowd. The ref counts to ten, and that's that. Ahhh, I see.

Your Winner: None, via double count-out, in about 2 minutes. Then, the brawl continues, with Harper getting the better of it for a couple minutes, until they wind up on top of the stage... Harper goes to powerbomb Ambrose off the stage, but Ambrose fights out, and sets up to hit Dirty Deeds on the steel grating. Harper spazs out, barely escapes, and runs away from the fight at that point.

So, ummmm, that wasn't the "pay off" to the feud. And now, I figure you pencile Ambrose vs. Harper in for Extreme Rules, it's just that now, I'm less sure about a table stip... maybe this brawl sets up Falls Count Anywhere, instead?

Backstage: Seth Rollins and the Stooges are walking, and have a brief interaction in which they are mocked by the Prime Time Players, and some production assistant laughs.... causing Seth to threaten to beat him up. But then Triple H walks up, and things get serious. HHH says they all look a little nervous, like they think there's an RKO waiting around every corner. Seth is all "Ummmmm, no, nah, of course not. But ummmm, it's like there's also this thing with Kane, and I can totally handle one problem, but two at the same time? A little help?"

HHH says he'll make sure Kane is cool, and that Rollins has nothing to worry about. They'll sit down and talk, all civilized, once Kane arrives. Rollins is, "OK, but what about Randy? He's a mad man. [he glances, disgustedly, at J&J] I could probably use a little extra security." And HHH just gets a disappointed look on his face, and says, "Seth, he's just one guy." And HHH walks away. Hmmmmm....

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THE LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/ Eggsavier Woods) (#1 Contender Match)

Kofi and Big E are the legal men, tonight. Dueling chants out of the gate, but they're both in favor of the Dragons ("LOO CHA LOO CHA" and "NEW. DAYSUCKS. NEW. DAYSUCKS."). Dragons make a bunch of tags and get a flashy hot start.... but building off last week's "aha" moment the New Day turn the tide when Woods provides a distraction, and Kofi is able to pearl harbor Sin Cara.

It's 3 minutes in, and we have our Face in Peril. As Big E dominates Sin Cara, he pauses to taunt the crowd, who serenade him with a fresh "NEW. DAYSUCKS." chant. But the break in the action means we take a break for....

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Back, and the beatdown continues for less than a minute before Sin Cara makes the hot tag to Kalisto.... per usual, Kalisto lights it up with an kick-ass rally on Kofi, requiring Big E to get involved, at which point it turns into a Pier Fiver. It builds up to a trainwreck spot, in which Kalisto takes out E, Kofi, and his own partner with a wild plancha.

The ref applies a double count, with Kalisto and Kofi both getting to their feet at about 7... but Woods is really starting to enjoy this whole cheating thing, so he sneaks under the ring, and as Kalisto tries to get into the ring, Woods grabs his legs and keeps him from getting into the ring. Kofi, meantime, just barely beats the count by sliding back into the ring at 9 and a half.

Your Winners: the New Day, via count-out, in about 8 minutes. Wasn't expecting that outcome, but with the tag title match likely relegated to the Preshow, this means we can do the heel/heel storyline match without feeling the disappointment that we'd feel if we got our hopes up for how awesome Dragons vs. Cesaro/Kidd should be (only to have it be a 6 minute throwaway). Plus, a PPV crowd in Chicago is certain to have a smark slant, which means Cesaro/Kidd will probably be CHEERED, anyway, so why not throw the New Day out there against them?

After the Match: New Day tried to celebrate, but Randy Orton materailized out of nowhere to hit flash RKOs on Kofi and Woods. Big E managed to escape. Orton invited him to step into the ring and square off, face to face, and E teased it.... but he still just left, discretion being the better part of valor, and all. So that's 2 RKOs so far; I suspect we're supposed to keep track. RKOS are SO PRECIOUS since we won't get to see any on Sunday~!

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FANDANGO vs. CURTIS AXEL

Axel is already in the ring, but still gets a bit of screentime by dancing along with Fandango's theme song (in humorous fashion). Then Axel came out strong, hitting a couple moves, and pausing to rip off his AxelMania t-shirt. Fandango just watched the ludicrous display, waited for it to finish, and hit Axel with a dropkick, a couple other moves, and his top rope legdrop finisher.

Your Winner: Fandango, via pinfall, in 90 seconds, tops. Thanks for playing, Axel. They originally hit Fandango's new music for the post-match, but quickly switch back so Fandango can celebrate with the ringside Fandangoing fans. No sign of Rosa, despite the way the story played out on Thursday, with her trying to get back on Fandango's good side.

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SETH ROLLINS IS NOT CLEAR ON WHAT'S BEST FOR BUSINESS

Triple H is heading to the ring, and the announcers declare that he's hear to make a "major announcement" about the return of "Tough Enough." Uhhhhhhh, we already know "Tough Enough" is returning. Isn't that the announcement. Why do we need to waste anymore time talking about the crap ass reality show that OO will not watch?

HHH says that a year ago, the Authority decided to look to the future, and put the wheels in motion for Seth Rollins to become the WWE Champion. But now that that plan has come to fruition, it's time to find the next Seth Rollins. And to that end, it's time to bring back "Tough Enough."

Then, HHH wanders off into a ridiculous spiel about how "Tough Enough" is the path for any one of us (the fans) to live the dream of being a WWE Superstar.... he really milks the he-goat, trying to get the live fans to respond to this idea that there's really a chance in hell that this is a legit contest of everymen living their dreams, and not something that will be populated by casting calls for body builders and fitness models, handpicked by WWE.

The crowd responds with dead silence and apathy, because they know the score. Maybe some of them will still have fun watching the show, but they aren't buying HHH's idiotic rambling sell job.

Anyway, it all finally comes to an end when Kane's music hits, and he hits the ring. HHH jokes, "Heh, Kane, you're a little, uhhhhh, seasoned for Tough Enough." But Kane's not having any of the ha ha. He says that after the way things have gone, lately, he sees the writing on the wall. So he'll be the one to initiate the obvious next move, and save HHH the trouble.

Kane tells HHH, with all due respect, he's giving his two weeks notice. He's quitting as Director of Operations.

HHH nods, takes it in, but says we should take a deep breath, go backstage, and have a talk. Because HHH doesn't see any reason for Kane to leave, and while he's willing to grant Kane's release if KANE wants it, he doesn't want Kane thinking that he's being driven out. HHH says he's invested a lot in Kane, and he's not willing to give up on that investment just yet.

Enter Seth Rollins (and the Stooges), who barges out (no music), shouting about how HHH's "investment" has already been a bust. Kane's nothing but a loser, and a drag on the entire Authority, so seriously, if the big guy wants to quit, LET HIM.

HHH tries to get both guys to settle down, but instead, the trashtalk escalates, with Rollins hapring on Kane's recent shortcomings, while Kane reminds Rollins that KANE is the reason why Rollins won MitB, and that Rollins is a spoiled brat who doesn't understand that the Authority chose him and made him.... the Authority actually pondering recruiting Dean Ambrose instead, and if they had, Kane says the results would have been the same. Hell, if the Authority wanted, El Torito would be the WWE Champ right now.

That gets a huge pop, and Rollins actually tries to get at Kane, but HHH steps in a bit more forcefully, and keeps them apart. He chastises Rollins for getting his nose out of joint when Kane really has been doing what's Best for Business, these past two weeks, even if Rollins doesn't think it's best for Rollins. There is a distinction, and HHH gives Kane a total Vote of Confidence.

In fact, HHH takes it a step further. He's so sure of Kane's loyalties, that he's making an addition to the WWE Title Match on Sunday. It'll be Rollins vs. Orton. It'll be a steel cage match. The RKO will be banned. But now, Kane will stand outside the ring as the "Gatekeeper" (guarding the door).

Kane thanks HHH and says he won't let him down. But Rollins is furious, and wants to know What the Hell? But HHH just says he has spoken, and any explanation Rollins is looking for was already supplied in HHH's previous comments and Vote of Confidence. Deal. With it. And hell, if anybody wants to heed the advice of a Cerebral Assassin, maybe Seth should try getting on the same page as Kane, instead of antagonizing him.

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Backstage: Rollins and Kane are already bickering again, after HHH's suggestion... so in storms HHH, who wants them both to grow up. For Kane, that means accepting his new status as a corporate man, NOT a demon or a monster. Kane considers, but says he's still whatever he wants to be, and he'll prove it. He walks out on that ominous note. But then HHH tells Seth he needs to grow up, too, because the belt doesn't make him The Man, going out there and taking care of business every night makes you the man. Expecting others to do it for you is no way for a champ to behave....

So tonight, Seth will have the match he was SUPPOSED to have last week, but he weaseled his way out of it... tonight, it's Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler. Rollins whines and says something about how Orton's still hanging around. HHH once again tells him to man up, and deal with it.

NAOMI vs. BRIE BELLA (w/ Nikki)

Paige is out of action, after Naomi's actions last week, so there's no #1 Contender for Nikki's title. This match is Naomi's try-out... if she can beat Brie, she can face Nikki on Sunday. Nikki joins commentary, and clearly sounds like she'd rather not face Naomi, because Naomi hasn't proved anything (except, she has). That's all very odd, since it's almost like we're going back to Naomi as the babyface top contender, and Nikki's heelishly trying to avoid her.... but Naomi's a heel after last week. Right?

Fans are just as confused, and decide to respond to this match with silence. Brie actually seemed to be the narrative babyface, in that she came out strong, then, just before an ad break, Naomi took over by throwing Brie out of the ring and taunting.

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Back, and Naomi is still kicking Brie's ass. But babyface Booker is putting Naomi over as the most athletic woman ever on the roster. Nikki retorts by saying that's all well and good, but Naomi is also a zero-time Women's Champion, despite having had plenty of chances. Athleticism and Winning Matches are not the same thing. Cole jumps in, and seems to side with Naomi, who has won matches -- against Nikki, no less. Nikki says yeah, non-title matches. Winning with the gold on the line is a whole other thing.

But Naomi continues with the beatdown for several minutes, until whiffing on a Steamboat-style Flying High Crossbody... a quick bit of double reversey, though, and Naomi hits the Buttbutt (a/k/a Rear View). And that's that.

Your Winner: Naomi, via pinfall, in 8 minutes. Well, that was odd. Outside of the opening minute or so, and one hope spot at the end, that was an extended squash for Naomi, who looked VERY strong, but who is also maybe kinda a heel? I'm starting to think it's not quite that cut and dry, and Naomi's still Naomi, and trying to put her into a Face box or Heel box isn't as important as putting her in the Best Woman Wrestler on the Roster box. I could get into that.

Backstage: we see Heath Slater in catering, and he sits down next to Erick Rowan, and starts blathering about how he's totally gonna answer John Cena's open challenge tonight, and become the new US Champion.... Rowan is clearly not interested in talking to Slater, and just gets up and walks away.

Slater stands upt o register his indignation, at which point Randy Orton flies in to hit the RKO out of Nowhere. Then, just as I suspected, he slowly counts to three on his fingers, and says, "That makes three," while the announcers spaz out about how "Oh my god, Orton's keeping score. No one is safe!" Every RKO is sacred, every RKO is great, if an RKO is wasted, god gets quite irate! EV ER REE RKO!!! Because there will be none come Sunday!!!!!!!

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WELCOME BACK, BO DALLAS

Roman Reigns hits the ring, and we're told it's for an interview... but as soon as Reigns gets to the ring, he says, "I'm not big on excuses. So I don't want to talk. I just want to fight. Big Show, get your ass out here."

But instead, Bo Dallas' music hits, and he makes his return to TV (he did make a cameo on The Network on WM Weekend) by spouting an all new, EXTRA inane brand of blather, by declaring that "The Phantom Menace" is the best Star Wars movie, and it contains true wisdom in the form of Yoda's line about how anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering.

But after sneaking that inane troll-y comment in on us, Dallas does try to make a cogent point, because Reigns has been sounding very angry lately, and maybe he needs to take a little self-inventory, because he's also suffered a lot, including losing his shot at the WWE Title, and getting his ass kicked by Big Show. He's a bust, he's a failure. But it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe if he were just more positive, and less angry, he wouldn't be suffering so much. If only he BOlieved...

I think we all know how that ended for him.

Superman Punch to the back of Bo's head. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but the sneak attack aspect of it actually seemed to send the wrong message, and Reigns definitely got some boos for that. Reigns added a spear, then took the mic... he says he knows he will take a beating on Sunday in a Last Man Standing Match, but the beating he hands out will be even more vicious, and he will defeat Big Show.

"You can BOlieve that." Heh, OK, that was a nice touch.

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ZACK RYDER vs. SHEAMUS

Ryder, back on TV, likely to get destroyed by a monster heel, here in the middle of WWE Spring Cleaning Season? Uh oh.

The ref rings the bell, but Sheamus grabs a mic and says "Wait, before we start...." and then he just gets a running start and Brogue Kicks Ryder's head off after the distraction.

But then, instead of taking the pin, he starts talking about how he could just make the pin, but everybody loves Zack Ryder, so this should totally be longer than a 5 second match. He narrates a "Ryder is just like all the little cockroaches masquerading as superstars, but I'm a real superstar" spiel, while delivering a wicked beatdown, including a second Brogue Kick outside the ring.

Back in the ring, and the boos are raining down, leading Sheamus to ask, "Are ye not entertained?" And when they aren't, he decides to hit another Brogue Kick, including the full chest-thumping set-up, which only gets more boos.

Enter Ziggler, who runs in and makes the save, tossing Sheamus out of the ring. The ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Sheamus, via disqualification, in about 4 minutes. Well, it ended with Sheamus slinking away, tail between his legs, but my previous comment still stands.... WWE waited and waited to make sure Ryder was a forgotten man (at one time, he was a top 3 merchandise seller, and grassroots megastar, but he was self-made, and WWE hated that), and now, if they wanted, they could Future Endeavor him after that beatdown, and it's not like he's got the mojo to move the needle for whatever company he works for next, anymore. I hope I'm wrong, but it IS Spring Cleaning Season, and WWE is a bunch of grown men with more petty vindictiveness than a dozen "Mean Girls" DVDs.

And if you doubt me about WWE's institutional immaturity, as embodied by the Boss, Vince McMahon, just remember: this potentially awesome Ziggler/Sheamus PPV match is, for reasons that make no sense, a Kiss My Ass match.

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JOHN CENA OPEN CHALLENGE IV

Cena htis the ring, and gets a rather unfriendly welcome... it's not quite as bad as London, but it's definitely a 70/30 win for Cena Haters, including a sing-song "JOHN CENA SUUUUUUUUUUCKS" chant during his entrance.

Cena immediately grabs the mic away from Not Lilian (she's still out for a bit with knee surgery) and tries to spin things back in his favor. But when it doesn't work, Cena actually changes gears, and says that there are some Rusev fans out there..... uhhhhh, no not really. I'm guessing nobody out there is rooting FOR Rusev, but a lot are rooting AGAINST Cena. I'm not saying it's fair, or that I agree (I don't), but it is what's happening.

But Cena powers through, and goes into his super intense shouty mode and cuts a promo against Rusev.

Then he says that Rusev is Sunday, and tonight, the Open Challenge continues. He just wants to preface this with one word of warning to the underdogs and the undersized and the underappreciated.... Cena, right now, is focused on the fight of his life, and whoever comes out tonight is gonna get a preview of the John Cena who shows up to fight Rusev on Sunday.

But just when I'm having visions of Neville coming out for another hard-fought loss, KANE comes out (no mask/etc., but he's definitely looking pretty angry/intimidating). Heh. He is not undersized, nor an underdog. He's just as pissed and focused as Cena, has something to prove after his toughness was questioned, and he's out here to challenge for the US Title.

JOHN CENA vs. KANE (US Title Match)

Bell rings, and Kane immediately takes control. He dominates, and within 2 minutes, is getting near falls. Seth Rollins (and the Stooges) are watching backstage on a monitor, and seem to approve of what they are seeing.

Kane keeps pounding away, more offense, more near falls, as we approach the 5 minute mark. Finally, some fans decide to fire up a "Let's Go Cena" chant, but it's met by "Cena Sucks." But at least it went from 70/30 to more like 50/50. The display of support gives Cena the energy to fire up, and he rattles off some moves, finally setting up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle.

But Kane reaches up and grabs Cena by the throat. Chokeslam hits. But Cena kicks out at two. Kane slits the throat, and goes for the Tombstone... but Cena sneaks out the backdoor and hits a flash F-U. Done and done.

Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes. It was pure squash, then one big move by Cena, But for one split second, you actually believed they might be doing the win for Kane, which is more than I was expecting, so they get points for that. Backstage, Rollins and J&J have switched from approval at Kane's ass-kicking, to laughing at his losing.

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Backstage: Kane's on his way back to the dressing room, and he passes by Triple H. There are no words, but HHH gives Kane a look of "C'mon, man, I was right, you're front office, now." And Kane can only respond with a headshake of "Goddamit, you're probably right, but I'm not gonna admit it" before walking off.

Elsewhere Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Miz, to ask about how Miz has put the "entire Miz Brand" on the line, but Miz is dismissive about Sandow's chances of winning tonight. Sandow was a nobody before Miz gave him his break, while Miz is a true A-list movie star, as witnessed by the release of his new film, "The Marine 4," which Miz just so happens to have a copy of....

But mid-rant, Renee cuts him off and says we're cutting away to Byron Saxton, who is standing by with the star of the original "The Marine," John Cena... Miz is pissed as hell, but he can't stop the snub.

Elsewhere Elsewhere Backstage: Renee was right, and Saxton has Cena for an interview.... they get about three words into it when Rusev attacks, and KOs Cena using a chain. Then, he closes with a chain-assisted Camel Clutch, leaving Cena unconscious on the ground to close the segment.

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DAMIEN SANDOW (w/ Summer Rae) vs. MIZ (For the Rights to the "Miz Brand")

My opinions are already well known, but to summarize: I don't like this. This should have been Sandow's glorious reboot after getting out from under Miz. Not Sandow wanting to keep imitating Miz for no real good reason.

My one hope here is that Summer is the key, and the big reveal is that she's just ACTING right now, and she's still with Miz, and the two of them will go off together to revel in their ACTORY GENIUS~!, with a cheap-ass win tonight that forces Sandow to reboot. Let's cross our fingers.

Bell rings, and they both start going for every pinfall they can, to convey the immediacy of things. Roll-ups, backslides, any one-off move gets a cover.

Sandow gets the first real significant offense of the match by hitting a trio of Miz's own moves (the backbreaker/neckbreaker, then the low DDT). But when he goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, Miz counters into roll-up. Sandow kicks out, but Miz keeps on the attack, and sends Sandow into the ropes, where....

Oh, thank god, Summer reaches up and rakes Sandow's eyes. Sandow stumbles back and eats the SKF, and this match is over.

Your Winner: Miz, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Not much of a match, but the right story and right finish, definitely. Now, we can get back to the business of rebooting Damien Sandow. Because Mizdow mirroring Miz's various misfortunes was awesome, but Mizdow just imitating Miz for no reasons was a dead end.

After the Match: Miz was getting ready to gloat on the mic, but before he could declare his awesomeness, Orton flew into frame and hit another RKO. He counted it out on his fingers, and the announcers confirmed Randall's math: that was, indeed, four. FOUR~! It's one more than three~!~!~! AND OMG, IT'S FOUR MORE THAN ZERO, WHICH IS TOTALLY HOW MANY RKOS WILL HAPPEN ON SUNDAY~!~!~! I MISS RKOS~!~!~!~!~!~!

Confirmed: Ambrose vs. Harper is officially added to the Extreme Rules card, and it will be a Street Fight. Also, for the first time, they acknowledge that Daniel Bryan's match against Wade Barrett is NOT 100% for sure, due to health concerns for Bryan. Uh oh.

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Freeze Frame: Bray Wyatt is in his lair, and he's looking up, and speaking to an unnamed (but clearly specific) person. "Why do men do the things they do? Money? Power? Respect? For most men, it's probably a bit of all three. But not you. You're different. Just like me. But unlike me, it's FEAR that motivates you. You lift weights, you lift all the weights in the world, but in the end, your constant fear of failure will be the weight that drags you down. That weight will suffocate you. It will blind you. And all you will see at that point is my face, looking down at you. And you will realize that it all fades away, and I am the new. Face. Of fear."

So, Ryback? Gotta be. He's the only guy who's identity is really built on weightlifting.

RYBACK vs. ADAM ROSE

Just in case you didn't make that connection yourself, we come out of Bray's promo to Ryback's music/intro (Rose is already in the ring), and JBL stumbles through some attempted innuendo about Ryback being the new face of...... but then he realizes maybe they aren't supposed to be making it THAT obvious, and he kind of trails off and makes a joke about losing his train of thought.

In other news, we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this is something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in under 2 minutes. After the match, the Hot Dog and the Banana (from Rose's Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles) tried to attack Ryback. That also did not end well.

Outside the ring, Rosa showed up, and decided she was giving up on Fandango, and showered her affections on Adam Rose. Rosa Rose? Eh, whatever.... but I can state, with authority, at at one point there was a camera angle, up Rosa's skirt, that made PyroFalkon happy. In his pants.

Backstage: Renee Young catches up with Kane, and asks him about resigning from his job as DOO. Given HHH's Vote of Confidnece, but then Kane's decision to go out and challenge John Cena, and the way Seth Rollins responded to his loss, how is all that weighing on his plans?

Kane clearly did not know that Seth Rollins "responded" to his loss, so Renee takes out her phone and reads a tweet in which Seth jokes that J&J Security should go get Kane a consolation gift... maybe some denture cream, or some Depends.

Kane storms off, and luckily, the AUthority dressing room is exactly four steps away. He barges in, and wants to know, "The hell, dude?" Rollins acts all indignant, and apparently this is WWE's first "Guy doesn't know how to use PM" angle, ever. EVAR~! Seth thought that was a private conversation between him and J&J... Kane doesn't really care about the intended audience, the fact that Seth said that at all is really insulting.

But then, Rollins surprises everyone (including Kane) by just blurting out "I'm sorry." And then, he continues, and gives Kane an absolutely sincere apology.... "Look, this whole thing with Orton has me on edge, and my judgement... well, it wasn't good. And I mean, to be honest, i KNOW you helped get me to where I am today, but it's still pretty embarassing when you keep mentioning it in public, so I just.... I dunno, but I'm sorry. I really am. You're the bigger man. Literally, AND figureatively. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you, but I'm gonna dedicate my match against Dolph Ziggler to you, OK?"

Kane just kind of takes a step back and gives a little nod. Rollins and J&J walk out of the office and head toward the ring, because that match is next.

But as they walk down the hall, Randy Orton pops out from a dark corner, and glances down the hallway after them. Oy, look I know I've been joking about the silliness of the RKO Scoreboard thing, but it's still mostly a valid little storytelling trick (my guess, after a round of RKOs, the crowd latches on and chants for more, until Orton hits a second round, making it a nice even 10; which is as high as Orton can count, so that's the limit; ZING~!)... but was that ham-fisted attempt at "foreshadowing" even remotely necessary? So f'n cheesy, and the exact sort of thing that needs to never make it to air.... WWE doesn't have to be clever and awesome at all times, but you still have to avoid the stupid missteps like these.

Or maybe that's just me. I dunno.

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Thursday on SmackDown: Ryback vs. Rusev is happening. It's Rusev's last tune-up, but WWE is clearly booking Ryback strong, too, so.... is Thursday the night Wyatt makes his plans known by causing a non-finish?

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ J&J Security)

Back and forth feeling out start, but given how late it is, there's no way that's gonna last; it's already 10:56 (eastern, or as I call it, 9:56 central), which means this'll probably be under 10 minutes (gotta have enough time for the inevitable Orton Run-in and RKO Fest), so we can't waste time on an old-timey layout. Sure enough, that back and forth gives way to a flurry by Dolph, for a feel good flashy opening...

In turn, Dolph whiffs on a dropkick, so Seth catches him in slingshot position, and he goes ahead and does the obvious.... Dolph is slungshot (slingshotted?) out of the ring, landing hard on the floor. Break in the action means we still have to sit through one last break for....

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Back, and it's still 100% Rollins. He's busting out everything he can think of, but Ziggler's whole gimmick is that he takes punishment, makes the other guy look like a million bucks, but keeps kicking out. So frustration starts to set in for Rollins.

WHen Rollins whiffs on a Stinger Splash, Ziggler starts a for-real flurry. He gets his first convincing near fall off the Implant DDT. Crowd actually pops for it and sounds surprised when Rollins kicks out.

Dolph tries to follow up with the Fameasser, but Rollins snags the leg and hits a roll-up as a counter. Two. Rollins tries for his Turnbucklebomb, but Ziggler flips through into a sunset flip pinning combo. Two. Ziggler nails the superkick. Two (again, a convincing one).

Little bit of a reset, as Ziggler can't immediately follow-up (he's spent), but once both men are up, Ziggler gets the better of it, and lines up for the Zig-Zag.

Enter Sheamus, who runs out, gets on the aprong, and creates a distraction. Ziggler charges him, but Sheamus jumps off the apron, avoiding significant contact. As Sheamus backs up the ramp, Ziggler keeps jawing at him.

Rollins attacks from behind. Turnbucklebomb hits. Then, a Stepback DDT lands, and.... it's over? Yep, it's over (word on the street -- which is to say, other smark sites, I haven't heard anything about it -- is that this is because WWE has decreed that the Curb Stomp is legit too dangerous to be an everyday move; that sounds retarded to me, but what do I know? I'd much rather take a professionally administered Curb Stomp than an unprotected chairshot is all I'm saying).

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Certainly not a bad match, but it IS one of those deals where you look at the two guys involved, and part of your brain works up a set of expectations.... but the reality is that this is the free go-home TV show for a PPV, and it was booked to get 10 minutes, so to hell with those expectations. Instead, we got a serviceable little match, with a finish that addressed one PPV storyline, and a post match that willa ddress its main event. I guess that's Sustainable Episodic TV.

After the Match: Rollins looked mighty proud, and decided to celebrate his "win," once again completely forgetting that SOMEBODY ELSE just helped him win. He gloats on the mic about how HE did this, going so far as to mention how Randy's precious RKO won't save him on Sunday (he's almost ASKING for it, isn't he?)....

But it's not Orton who interrupts... it's Triple H whose music hits. HHH hits the ring and congratulates Rollins on his big win, and we should all give a huge ovation to the man who will retain the WWE Title.... but Rollins snatches the mic away (boooo?) and says he'd like to finish his thought.

That thought is that the RKO won't save Orton on Sunday, and instead, Rollins plans to take advantage of the steel cage by bouncing Randy from pillar to post, and then PINNING Orton in the center of the ring, thereby rendering Kane the Gatekeeper useless. He won't even come into play. Rollins will finish the match before that door opens even once. Uh huh, sure, kid....

Enter Kane. He heads toward the ring.... and suddenly, HHH and the Stooges head up the ramp to talk sense into him.

Then, the cage starts to lower. Rollins calls for it to lower faster, as he wants the "protection" while his posse is dealing with Kane. Oh, why so stupid, Seth?

Sure enough, as Rollins is watching the drama on the stage, Orton comes in out of the crowd and sneaks into the cage at the last second, behind Rollins.

Rollins turns around, acts surprised, and after a quick exchange, Orton hits an elevation RKO (he yanked Rollins off the top rope, into th eRKO). That's five. [I think I got it wrong. There were no plans on using the Stooges to inflate the RKO count. Rollins is gonna take them all himself. Probably better that way.]

Or not. After only the one RKO, Orton makes eyes with the title belt, then poses on the turnbuckles, while the announcers do a jarringly incongruous hype job about how the 80s "Rock 'n' Wrestling" cartoon was the best thing ever, and it debuts on the WWE Network RIGHT NOW.... ummmmm, it can't just be me, right? Not just the part where they spent the night building up this idea of the RKO Scoreboard, but then just ended after one RKO on Rollins, and how that seemed incredibly anticlimactic for an idea that was already pretty bland.... but the part where the last show before a PPV -- which we are meant to genuinely care about -- ends with a commercial for an 80s cartoon that was pretty crappy, but can (under VERY specific circumstances) be enjoyed ironically or as nostalgia?

Yeah, that seems kind of a counterproductive last taste in our mouths as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... and I can't say I'm blown away, and it's mostly because of that finish. I really do weigh the last taste in the mouth pretty heavily, and it's something that I think is even more important on your last show before a PPV.

And that was a pretty big whiff. You want to do the RKO scoreboard, at least pay it off. Use the Stooges, add in a second (or third) RKO for Rollins while the Stooges are Stoogin'... you know, get the crowd involved and wanting Orton to run up the score. THAT is a finish. [I say this as a person who isn't the biggest Orton fan, but who wants Orton fans to get something they can use, dammit.]

The one RKO on Rollins, and then shooting it to a promo for Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling Cartoon Show is not a payoff to anything, ever. That's just awkward and deflating.

If I had to find an upside in that whole mess of a final segment, it's that we SHOULD be set up for Ziggler/Orton vs. Rollins/Sheamus as the main event on SmackDown, this Thursday. And there's no reason to expect that not to be awesome.... it's just that it might be a "replacement last taste in our mouths," but as far as WWE is concerned, only half as many people watch SD as watch RAW, so really, why satisfy half your audience, while antagonizing the other half?

We'll see if my premonition comes to pass on Thursday... as for Monday, I think the main event was definitely more of a "fizzle" than a full-on "thud," so I'll try not to get too annoyed by that.

And the rest of the show had some nice bits. If you stop trying to shoehorn everybody into "heel" and "face" roles, that was a really nice showing for Naomi against Brie... if Paige isn't here to remind us that what Naomi did was kinda dickish, then we can just focus on Naomi being very focused and awesome, and that's not entirely a bad thing.

The right thing DEFINITELY happened in Miz/Sandow, too, and I'm not just saying that because it's what I called for. Even if I hadn't thought of it before WWE, I'd still have recognized it as the right play after it happened. Miz gets the cheap win and gets to keep doing what he does best.... and best of all, Sandow can know become SANDOW again, which is what I want to see him do.

Ambrose and Harper got fast-tracked back onto the PPV, and it was good.

The tag title situation won't deliver a great match at Extreme Rules, but it does set up a decent little story-centric thing for the preshow, where the New Day can finalize their heel turn in a city that will be VERY receptive to booing them (but which will probably be cheering them next time they visit, because this is TOTALLY a "Rocky Maivia" story playing out; Maivia now, Nation later).

I think the arc with Kane is pretty much a plus for Extreme Rules, because HHH's own intentions were NOT made clear. Is he really just trying to motivate Rollins, and Kane's just a pawn? Or is he starting to get annoyed with Rollins enough that he might plot against him? As a result, Kane can do ANYthing on Sunday, and it fits.

Granted, I still see no scenario in which Orton wins the title, because that just takes the belt into a Bland New World and a complete reset... you keep it on Rollins, because he's got Reigns AND Lesnar that he has to pay off on. Orton has nobody he's gonna sell tickets with after Rollins....

As far as Buried Leads go, let's all keep an eye on WWE's party line on Bryan vs. Barrett... Bryan was sent home from the European Tour as a "precautionary measure" (if you read "concussion" anywhere, that's false; WWE's concussion protocols would have prevented him from working the SD taping, and those tapings were after WWE decided to liimit Bryan's work), and now, WWE is going on TV and saying that the IC Title match is in jeopardy, which leads one back to Bryan's neck injury, where he opted for rehab instead of surgery... OO's fingers are crossed for you, Bryan... we WANT you on our TV, we NEED you on our TV... but at the end of the day, we also definitely insist that you not be dead, dude. Be smart, Bryan.

Oh, and I guess Seth Rollins' new finisher is a buried lead, too, but much, much less significant. I think it's stupid that a move that I, a civiliian, figures he can take safely is suddenly ruled legit dangerous, but that's why I'm a civilian. Rollins can adapt, and as long as he can keep busting it out as a special high impact move (like the Tombstone or Orton's Bootie Kick o' Doom), he'll be fine. The step-back DDT probably needs a name other than "Stepback DDT," but it's not unconvincing as a finisher.

Am I forgetting or glossing over anything? Probably. But I'm getting used to an all new phase of my Texas Relocation, where my brother is done with his 8 hour "work" day or Neuro Rehab, and my duties have shifted again, and involve me trying to let him have more space, and not hog the TV for my own purposes while he goes to bed at 9pm every night, and stuff, so I did sort of zip through RAW so I could get back to his spare bedroom and get this posted. I'm trying to find "the new normal" for my routine, and I'm sure I'll get there soon. But for tonight, I still definitely believe that I got the important bits.

I'll charitably give tonight's show a final grade of C-plus.

And I'll see you again on Sunday, shortly after 11pm (eastern, 10pm central) with a recap for Extreme Rules. I'm used to watching PPV on The Network, on my computer (damned antiquated HDMI permissions making it impossible to hook my tablet or phone up to a TV), so I'll be back to my usual verbose self on Sunday. I promise!

See you then, kids!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.