OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Keeping it Snappy
April 13, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So a couple times per year, RAW is taped and we all already know what's gonna happen (well, *I* already know, because it's sort of my job, and I can't help myself), so the show loses a bit of luster unless something awesome happens.

Tonight's RAW was pre-taped. Some good stuff happened, but nothing awesome. So I started to sort of plot out a different course for my night, with wrestling back to the DVR so I could watch some baseball, first. I actually signed up for MLB.tv this year, because I'm not in range of FoxSports Ohio, and don't know when I will be, so I want to get my money's worth.

Plus, I can't remember a Reds' season that got off to a more compelling, exilhirating start than this year's did over the first four games. Sure, the next two games were tough, but there's no shame in losing two straight close ones to the Once and Future Perennial NL Central Preordained Champions, the hated Cardinals fo hated St. Louis, right?

Tonight was the night the Reds got healthy against the lowly Cubs. The Cubs never don't be our bitches (lately). But apparently, I forgot about the part where no matter how lowly the Cubs are, our fricking bullpen (and our manager's use of it) are terrible. Just terrible. And all Reds' fans knew it a month ago, but we let four exciting wins erase that knowledge, so now it hurts like hell when two guys who objectively have no right to be on an MLB roster are ACTUALLY USED IN HIGH LEVERAGE SITUATIONS by a manager who is allegedly a smart man (hell, he graduated from Berkeley!).

So yeah, that's how I decided to let the Reds kick me in the balls (by losing to the Cubs, in extra innings, despite ample offense) before I got around to watching RAW. Whoops.

I'm still a pro, and I'm still a much more clever and engaging wordsmith than anyone else who does this job on a weekly basis, but if you happen to notice me falling short of my own usual lofty standards, well, now you know the reason why: baseball-related pain.

Here's what happened on tonight's completed-earlier-today edition of RAW:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, and we're not live in London, England. I mean, we ARE in London. We're just not live. Because of time zones, and so forth, this RAW was taped on Monday afternoon, Muricah Time. Of note, Michael Cole is well enough to rejoin the commentary crew, alongside JBL and Booker T. He immediately reveals that we'll be talking more about his "situation" later (SPOILER ALERT: Nobody cares, Cole, so just keep it short and non-stupid, OK), but for now, it's time to kick off the show....

JOHN CENA OPEN CHALLENGE III

Cena is booed out of the O2 Arena as he makes his entrance, and decides to deliver a few words. The words are VERY kind towards London and the UK -- Cena even says he believes London deserves to host WrestleMania, and they shouldn't have to wait much past WrestleMania 32 -- but London still hates him.

Cena reminds us that the whole reason he's doing this Open Challenge is because Rusev is a jerk who wants his US Title shot, but doesn't want to take it until Extreme Rules. Cena would LOVE to do that match right now, but nope: so he'll once again open it up to anybody who wants to step up.

And sure enough, England's own Wade Barrett comes out, and says he feels Cena's pain. You see, Barrett would LOVE to get his IC Title Rematch against Daniel Bryan right now, but it's not happening. So he's looking for something exciting, too.... and challenging for the US Title, and then going on to Extreme Rules to unify it with the IC Title is just what the doctor ordered. So he's got some Bad News for Cena: he accepts the challenge.

Not Lilian Garcia does boxing style ring ntros (Lilian had minor knee surgery, so she didn't make the trip), and then, as the ref holds the belt up over his head, it is decided that we will break for....

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JOHN CENA vs. BAD NEWS BARRETT (US Title Match)

Back, and they've kindly waited until our return to ring the bell. Well, more accurately, they were able to edit in the ad break, because this is taped, not live. The two settle in for some old school back and forth feeling out. The red hot audience adds another layer to the atmosphere by lambasting Cena (it's 90/10 in favor of Barrett on the YAY/BOO type things, and plus they are adding in other sing-songy aspects, like the "JOHN CENA SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS" and are they singing Fandango's song?).

It gets to the point that Cena is distracted by it, allowing Barrett to take control. Highlight: Barrett hits Mick Foley's old apron-to-the-floor elbow drop (complete with a "Bang Bang!"). The match rolls back into the ring, where Cena fires up with a rally, and we enter End Game. Barrett with the Winds of Change for a Near Fall. Five Knuckle Shuffle for Cena. New combo move for Barrett (a Tornado DDT Set Up, but instead, he plants and hits a snap suplex. Cena into the SSTF. Barrett with the rope break, into a pair of stiff kicks to the head.

For the first time, Barrett shows frustration when Cena kicks out, so the crowd rallies him with ryhthmic clapping. Cena gets up and they start trading punches, for another spirited round of YAY/BOO. Barrett wins that, hits a punt kick, and lands Wastelands. But again, Cena kicks out.

More frustration, but this time, Barrett knows what to do. He loads up the Bullhammer... but when he charges, Cena snaps off a flash F-U.

But Barrett kicks out at TWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Cena sets up for a more conventional second F-U, but Barrett flips out the backdoor and lands a flash Bullhammer. SUDDEN! But Cena kicks out. As the crowd fires up a "THIS IS AWE SOME" chant, Barrett lines up a second Bullhammer, but Cena ducks it, and comes back with his new Springboard Stunner. The F-U lands, and that's that.

Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Very good match. Or perhaps just a good one that benefited from added atmosphere. Either way, a very entertaining way to kick off the night.

After the Match: Lana is back. She comes out on the stage, and says she's so sorry if Cena's frustrated with the delay in granting Rusev his rematch. But you see, Lana's been busy, but now, she's ready to resume negotiations...

And that's when Rusev attacks from behind, and knocks out Cena with a chain wrapped around his fist. Ouch. Lana then declares that negotiations are complete, and as John can see, Rusev's rematch at Extreme Rules will be a Russian Chain Match. Rusev briefly celebrated in the ring (the Russian flag unfurled, and all that), before leaving to join Lana up on the stage.

Later Tonight: HHH and Stephanie are still on vacation, so Kane is in charge, and he's decided that both Seth Rollins and Randy Orton should compete tonight, to keep everything even steven ahead of their WWE Title Match at Extreme Rules. Orton will face Cesaro, and Rollins will face Dolph Ziggler. And even bigger: whichever of them wins can name a stipulation for said title match. If both win, they both name a stip.

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DIVAS BATTLE ROYALE (For a Shot at Nikki's Women's Title)

Nikki sits in on commentary, and Brie joins her (instead of entering the Battle Royale). That makes 8 women involved. Well, Paige, Naomi, Nattie, and 5 who don't stand a chance (Nikki even makes a special effort to ensure that everybody knows it's OK to not take Rosa Mendes seriously). The crowd is obviously partial to Paige, but all signs leading up to tonight had Naomi as the clearcut #1 Contender, so let's see how they deal with that...

Blink, and you miss the first four eliminations, leaving us with our Final Four: Paige, Naomi, Alicia, and Cameron. The heels team up to put Naomi down, and then focus on Paige. Paige does a nice HBK-esque skin the cat save, then Naomi rejoins the fight, and they ditch the heels in short order.

It's Naomi vs. Paige, and it goes back and forth for 30 seconds, before both women wind up fighting out on the apron, jockeying for the upper hand. Neither woman can get it, and so they take it back to the middle of the ring, where Paige hits one big kick to the head, and Naomi sort of stumbles and falls out of the ring, awkwardly.

Not, like, blown spot awkwardly... but, like, Paige's win is supposed to seem flukey. But the live crowd doesn't care if it was a bit flukey, they like Paige.

Your Winner, and New #1 Contender: Paige. Sort of surprising, given all signs had pointed to Naomi, but for as worthless as the match itself was, that finish should give Naomi plenty of traction if she wants to stay in the picture.

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A Moment to Gloat: Paige hasn't left the ring. She's got a mic and wants to remind us of what a year it's been for her, starting by winning the Women's Title in her debut match, holding that title twice, teaming with AJ to win her first WrestleMania match, and now, this... in her home country, where she paid to sit ringside for so many wrestling shows, and then started working in gyms and carnivals, whatever she could just to get noticed by WWE, and now, here on her home turf, she's the #1 Contender again, and she'll be the champ again at Extreme Rules.

And that's when Naomi shows up out of nowhere and blindsides Paige. She brutalizes Paige, takes the fight outside the ring, and brutalizes her some more. From the big grin on her face and her overall body language, Naomi is clearly not at all conflicted about her actions. She hates Paige for stealing her shot, and she doesn't care who knows it. [Just in case YOU are conflicted, in between the match and the attack, Naomi lost the Uso Garb, and was down to just her black singlet. So we'll see if that means anything with regard to telegraphing the severity of Jey's injury.... or if she'll just be stepping away from being Jimmy's wife, and more into being her own woman. Sort of like what WWE does with Daniel Bryan and Brie.]

Freeze Frame: and we cut to Bray Wyatt, alone in his darkened lair. He says everybody thinks love is such a great thing. But love can turn to obsession, and obsession becomes all consuming, and it can become a sin. So speaking directly to an unnamed person, Bray says, "You're in luck. You're so full of love, but I'm going to reach into your soul, and rip it out. Every last ounce. And then, I'll replace it with good, old fashioned fear. That's right, I'll help you live by taking away that one thing you love so much, that you can't live without. That's right, I'm talking to YOU, and you're looking at the New Face of Fear."

Huh. I still have no real instinctive feel for who he's calling out. Cena still makes the most obvious sense, since last week, it was all about dedication and determination, and now, it's all about love. Cena loves WWE and works insane hours to prove it. But you could also twist and turn Bray's words every which way, fill in a few blanks on your own, and come up with any damned answer you please. For some reason, last week, a lot of people thought Ryback would make sense (he DID tell his Origin Story last fall, which was about dedication, but "love" makes NO sense, now). But hey, I'm not gonna hurt my brain when I'm not even sure WWE has decided who it will be; they can just have Wyatt go out there in talk in vague riddles, and only zero in on substantive content once they do have it figured out....

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LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE ASCENSION

Six months ago, this was one of NXT's hottest feuds, over their tag titles. And while the Ascension dominated most of it, the Dragons eventually won the tag belts, because everyone assumed they'd be in NXT forever, but WWE had big plans for the Ascension on the main roster. My, how the times have changed.

They go through the motions of a heel squash, complete with Sin Cara as Ricardo Morton. But then the hot tag to Kalisto. A warp speed, non-stop flurry breaks down into a four-way brawl when the Ascension try to double-team the Dragons. But it doesn't work, because Sin Cara blind tags himself in, and after the Salinas del Sol, he hits the Swanton for the pin.

Your Winners: the Lucha Dragons, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. Thanks for playing, Konnor and Viktor.

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ROMAN REIGNS' REJUVENATION GETS REDACTED

Booker T is in the ring, and he's set to interview Roman Reigns. What, does Renee Young have prior convictions that make it impossible to travel overseas? First, Byron Saxton handled some interview duties, now Booker T. Neither is as delightful as Renee.

Reigns makes his entrance through the crowd, and is clear he'll be dealing with a hostile crowd. So first question: Booker pretty much point blank asks if he feels like he let himself down at WrestleMania. With the crowd chanting "SOO PLEX SIT TEE," Reigns tries to gracefully laugh it off, admitting that yeah, he got his ass kicked, but he woke up the next morning, he survived Brock Lesnar's worst, and that's TRUE strength. That's mental strength, that's deep down strength in your soul, where you can let your body take a beating, but your fighting spirit means that you WILL be back for more, and next time, the result will be different.

So, c'mon, everybody: I didn't lie to you. I said you were gonna see a fight. A brutal fight. Did you see a brutal fight? Yeah. Did you LIKE the brutality? HELL YEAH. So see, there's no reason for Reigns to be disappointed in his outing, and no reason for the fans to be disappointed in him. If they want to be disappointed in somebody, be disappointed in Seth Rollins for showing up and robbing them of a decisive finish. Because Reigns took Lesnar's best punch, and was still standing. Reigns was just getting ready to throw his best punch when Rollins showed up and stole the WWE Title.

But don't worry. Because with Brock, it was "I Can, I Will." With Rollins, it's "I Can, Because I Already Have." It's just a matter of time before he beats Rollins for the WWE Title.

That brings Booker T to another line of questioning.... last week, Reign was in the mix for a WWE Title shot, but lost out to Randy Orton, at least in part because of Big Show. Crowd, "THANK YOU BIG SHOW." Heh. Reigns tries to win them back over with one liners and insults about how Big Show is just Seth's Bitch, now, but it's really not getting over. He even gooses them for a cheap pop, and only gets about half of them.

So Big Show himself decides to pop up on the TitanTron, and reminds us that no matter what excuses Reigns has, the facts are this: at WrestleMania, Reigns LOST the biggest match of his life, but Big Show WON the biggest match of his. So he thinks the two of them should keep it going.... WM's biggest winner challenges WM biggest loser to a match, because it would be Big Show's pleasure to supply another beatdown and another loss so that Reigns is exposed as a failure.

Reigns is all "Ooooohhhhhhh, scary. Look, everybody, it's a JumboTron Giant. He's not even man enough to come out here and talk that BS to my face." Show steams, but says nothing. Reigns ramps up, and closes with a rant about how Show may have stolen one from him last week, but Reigns is already ready to punch him in the mouth. And hey, next time, to even the score for last week, Reigns may take it one step further, and shove that ridiculous trophy Show is so proud of down his stinking throat.

Play Reigns' music, because he won the verbal sparring!

But then, as Reigns makes his way up the ramp, CUT THE MUSIC, because Big Show comes out onto the stage and confronts Roman to his face. And by "confronts," OO means "beats the shit out of." There are some very British Taxis on the stage, and Reigns is introduced to them, headfirst. Also, into the LED boards. The almost 100% anti-Reigns crowd now becomes 100% anti-Show. Or maybe 100% anti-both-of-them-at-the-same-time. They can't seem to decide.

Show helps them by climbing up onto one of the taxis and chockslamming Reigns through the roof of one of them. London seems to agree, if nothing else, "HO LEE SHIT." But then when Show gloats, they also boo him, viciously, and deliver a "YOU SOLD OUT" chant.

Confounding audience, but I thought a strong segment, all around. That's Reigns second strong promo, acknowledging his failure at WM while underscoring that he delivered a way better/more dramatic match than a lot of us expected (the sit-down one was also good). And Show started out as the kind of jibber-jabber all-talk evil, but then turned into a very real, physical manifestation of evil by destroying Reigns on the stage.

That's win/win: you do yeoman's work on Reign's character rehab, but then, after you do a nice job of it, you throw in a wrench. A 7'5" wrench, who is a convincing wrench, but who (unlike Lesnar) can lose to Reigns without it setting off a riot.

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RANDY ORTON vs. CESARO (w/ Tyson Kidd and Natalya) (Stipulation on the Line)

Again, Orton has to win, if he wants to name a stip for his title shot at Rollins. As much platonic man-love as I have for Cesaro, this is definitely a "We're all adults here, let's not pretend this is something it wasn't" kind of match.

But then, just when Orton's about to make that prophecy come true, Tyson Kidd jumps in to cause the blatant DQ.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via DQ, in about 2 minutes. Nothing to see here....

But Wait: Kane wants things all even steven tonight, not Orton just walking into a free stip. So Kane comes out, and says we're having a do-over. Kane just knows Orton is champing at the bit to get some revenge on Tyson Kidd, so Kane just knows Orton will LOVE this change of plans.... it's now Orton vs. Cesaro AND Kidd, stipulation still on the line. RING THE BELL.

RANDY ORTON vs. CESARO & TYSON KIDD (w/ Natalya) (Stipulation on the Line)

As soon as the bell is rung, Tyson jumps Orton to set the tone. As he and Cesaro gloat, we instantly break for....

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Back, and nothing's changed. Orton's still in the wrong corner, where Kidd and Cesaro are making frequent tags and keeping him down. There actually is more drama here than there had been in the singles match, but the announcers are harping on the "if they both win, they both name stips" thing, which actually makes me assume that's where we're headed.

Plus, it would just give me too much joy to see the awesome Cesaro/Kidd team (the tag champs, no less) actually be booked strong enough to go over one guy, even if he IS a top contender to the WWE Title. And WWE avoids giving me joy, if at all possible.

As such, Orton fires up, momentarily loses track of which man is legal, so he focuses on Cesaro... Kidd IS legal, and tries to sneak in from behind with a springboard move, but of course, Orton catches him out of mid-air with the Flash RKO.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 3 minutes of televised action. There was an ad break, but again, on a taped show, you don't know if they wrestled all the way through said break, or just inserted the 3 minutes of ads into a 20 second opening. Either way, nothing to write home about here.

Backstage: Seth Rollins is surrounded by his cronies, Kane & J & J, and he is not happy. Now that Orton has won the right to name a stip, Rollins doesn't feel like facing Dolph Ziggler with his own stipulatory rights on the line. He wants to face somebody a little more.... well, a little more in touch with What's Best For Business. Rollins suggests Jamie Noble would be the PERFECT opponent, if Kane approves.

Noble has some pride, though, and doesn't want to do it. Plus, this whole mess is Kane's fault. He's the one who gave Orton the chance to win. He's the one who's been dropping the ball left and right.

Kane makes some vauge, Old Red Monster-y threats about balls, and how he used to hook car batteries up to them.... but Rollins sort of sees the logic, here. He says that Kane is just the guy who should go out there and get the JOB done, if you take his meaning. Kane clarifies, is Seth REALLY expecting HIM to go out there and lay down for Rollins? Yep, that's pretty much the score, and Seth says he's more than happy to get Triple H on the phone, if Kane doesn't want to do it. Afterall, Kane's performance has already been suspect lately, and I'm sure HHH would LOVE to get a phone call while he's on vacation, so he can deal with the giant mess Kane is making.

Kane doesn't exactly agree to go along with it, but makes a vaguely accepting eyeball-roll at Rollins, and then leaves.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. ADAM ROSE

Alright, so here is where I'll bust out We're all adults here, so let's not pretend this is something it wasn't. And I'm not wrong to do so.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. Ambrose's return from "injury" absence is victorious. Who'da thunk it.

Backstage: Big Show walks up and confronts Kane.... Kane is still obviously conflicted about what he's gotta do tonight, but Show takes him back to Survivor Series. He says that when he KO'd John Cena at Survivor Series, it wasn't something he did for fun, it was something he did so he would be on the winning team. And the only way to ALWAYS be on the winning team is to be with the Authority.

Surely, Kane must realize that. Show doesn't want Kane to make a mistake, because there's a huge difference between losing a match and being a loser. Doing what's right for business, and doing the honors for Rollins is actually Kane's path to ensuring he remains with the winners.

Kane ponders, and finally says, OK, he gets it, he'll do what's right for business. But he says it in a way that's still awfully vauge.

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FANDANGO (w/ Rosa) vs. STARDUST

Not sure who's supposed to be the face here (neither is, domestically), but Cody clarifies early on by working the evil body language, and taunting the crowd. Then, just as you're figuring it out, it's over.

Your Winner: Stardust, via pinfall, in 45 seconds. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

After the Match: Fandango grabs a mic, and decides that his problems are deeper than one 45 second loss. He's lost his entire direction. He's spent the last 6 months sharing his Gift with Rosa.... but he should be sharing it with...... EEVVVVVVVVVVVVERRRYYYYYYYYOONNNNNNNNE. He asks the Maestro for his REAL music.

And just like that, his old theme music kicks in, and the fans erupt and start Fandangoing along, while Fandango himself minces his way around ringside, loving every minute of it. So, ummmm, face turn, I guess. That reboot really was a road to nowhere.... well, nowhere except to having Rosa on TV every week under a flimsy pretext. And if that's gone, I can only send my sincerest condolences to Pyro.

Backstage: it's time for Kane to hear from another old friend. It's Daniel Bryan, who immediately senses something is amiss when Kane only briefly stops his pacing to say, "I'm busy, please leave me alone, Daniel." That's the most polite Kane has ever been to him, and they used to be tag partners! Bryan immediately asks Kane to rediscover some of that old venom, the guy who was at the ready to tear his own partner's head off, much less anybody who stood in his ring as an opponent. We need THAT Kane, not some puppet Kane who is apparently ready to go out there and recreate the Fingerpoke of Doom, from the Dying Days of WCW. Bryan explicitly mentions both, saying that what killed one company can't be best for the business of another. So just think about THAT before you go out there, OK, Kane?

When Kane nuts up and just yells, "THAT'S IT, LEAVE!!!!' Bryan seems content that he's gotten through to him, and departs with a simple barb, "OK, OK, I'm going. Just don't go you there and be a Stooge."

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This Thursday: Cena's bringing another Open Challenge to SmackDown. It's been RAWsclusive, so far, but this week, Cena's busting it out twice.

KANE vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ J&J) (Stipulation on the Line)

Bell rings, and Rollins immediately calls for the lay-down. But Kane says, nope, he's gonna remove his suit coat and tie, first. Seth's all, "Jesus, really?" Then Kane even loses the shirt, and Rollins gets worried that Kane means business. Rollins starts avoiding eye contact, and just tries to laugh it off, pretending he still totally knows Kane will do the J-O-B.

After a moment, Kane does grudgingly lay down. Rollins covers. Kane kicks out, and backs Seth into a corner. The New Stooges come in and try to help, but he shoves them both out of the ring. Seth starts badmouthing Kane, telling him he's so totally fired now, there's only one way to save his job, and that's to do the job. Do it now, right now.

That slows Kane's roll. He closes his eyes, and thinks about it. The crowd chants "NO NO NO" at him, but he goes down to one knee. Rollins keeps badmouthing him all the way down...

So Kane reaches up and grabs Rollins by the throat, and chokeslams him. Huge pop!

Kane starts the Throat Slit, indicating a decisive Tombstone is coming.... but then thinks better of it, drops to the mat, and pulls Rollins on top of him. The ref counts three.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via "pinfall," in 3 minutes of melodrama, but zero action. Still, the action may have been lacking, but I really like the whole story arc, starting with Orton winning his stip rights honestly, and with the pretty excellent Show and Bryan "interventions" leading to Kane laying down, but not without the chokeslam. With Rollins win, Cole & The Gang declare that both men will reveal their stips later on tonight. MAIN EVEN PROMO~! Whee?

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DAMIEN SANDOW (w/ Summer Rae) vs. MIZ

Sandow is still doing full Mizdow, and as alluded to last week, he's doing Miz better than Miz, since he's got Miz's movie co-star with him. Meh, I'd still rather see Sandow re-break-out sooner than later, but for the time being, I'll take it. We are reminded that Miz won the first match, last week, and this is round two, and we're off.

Miz is pissed about Sandow having the girl, then milks the heel heat by making a whole big thing about removing his sunglasses. Then Sandow gets a huge cheer for removing his. Process repeats for the removal of the jackets. Then Miz just pearl harbors Sandow from behind.

Match is a mirror image of last week, up through Miz going for the Skull Crushing Finale, only to have Sandow counter it into a cheap roll-up (it kinda looked like he even grabbed the handful of tights, like Miz did last week, but the camera opted to pick a different angle that made things less clear), for the win.

Your Winner: Damien Sandow, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. So it's 1 win for Miz, 1 win for Sandow, and 0 good matches, yet. That's not what I was hoping for. Highlight of the match: Summer scampering over to join in Sandow's celebration, and appearing to be very much at risk of jiggling out of her tube top. Mmmmmm, tube top. Still nowhere as delightful as the backless tops, but still pretty good at making sure my attention is way more riveted towards the boob region than usual.

Earlier Today: the Prime Time Players decided to get together for another Comedy Central Roast of the Tag Team Division. They quickly recap past victims, before moving on to Los Matadores. They put on the masks, and pull out a multi-color pinata representing Torito, but DYoung gets the line of the night when Titus tries to make fun of the pinata, but he retorts, "Hey, now. Rainbow is my favorite color." The pleasantly progressive UK crowd cheers pretty big for that.... but Titus' disgust has nothing to do with the rainbow. It's because he's dressed up in this damned Mexican outfit, and it's like he hasn't just lost his pride or his dignity.... he's lost his entire culture. At this point, DYoung once again hits a killer line, "Oh no, don't tell them we're actually Puerto Ricans."

But Titus does, and "Who ever heard of any damned Puerto Rican matadors?" Ooohhhhhhh, snap. But unless it invovles Carlito's return, I can't really see anything productive coming out of the Matadores going back to being Primo and Epico.... regardless, the zinger has been hit, so the PTPs close with the Millions of Dollars Dance.

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RYBACK vs. LUKE HARPER

This one could have Slobberknocker written all over it, but the live crowd doesn't seem to want to give it a chance, and just starts chanting "BORING" as the bell rings. Then, a few of them even try chanting "SEE EM PUNK." OK, the first at least means you're just hard to please. The second means you're a goddamned wanker, and I hate you.

But the slobberknocker never develops, as time compression is in full effect. Harper takes control, hits the "mid-match" heel beatdown after 45 seconds, Ryback rallies, and Harper ends up taking the fight outside and once again getting DQ'ed on purpose (just like he did last week against Ambrose).

Your Winner: Ryback, via disqualification, in 90 seconds. Thrilling. But because he tried to repeat what he did against Ambrose, Harper was countered by a run-in from Ambrose himself. And after Ambrose landed a shot or two, Harper just got out of dodge.

Backstage: Bryon Saxton (and still not Renee Young) is standing by with Naomi, asking about her motivations for attacking Paige... and Naomi pretends to be remorseful for about 10 seconds, playing the "Oh, I'm so sorry I let my emotions get the better of me" card, and then just cackling in Saxton's dumb face. "This isn't about emotions, this isn't about putting on a show for the British crowd, this isn't about anything about me and the WWE Women's Title."

Naomi then proceeds to cut the night's best promo (and it's not like the night was lacking in this regard), talking about how she and AJ started on the same season of NXT, and they were neck and neck. Now, AJ is retired, and everybody's calling her a legend and a future hall of famer, but Naomi is still busting her ass just to get noticed. Like, for instance, she's pinned Nikki Bella TWICE, and apparently nobody noticed, because now Paige is the #1 Contender to Nikki's title. Well, Naomi's had enough. She's not a bad person. But for too long, people have mistaken her kindness for weakness, so if she has to do a bad thing here or there to get what she deserves, so be it. The Women's Title will be hers.

Scoreboard Stumper: hey, it's like pretty much every other sport ever... WWE asks a trivia question before the ad break, and promises the answer later on. "Which of the following WWE Hall of Famers is also a cousin to the Hart Family?" Is it Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, or Pat Patterson. I know it's not Hogan, and I'm 90% it's Roddy Piper (he's actually more Canadian than Patterson is, in that at least he's not FRENCH Canadian; ZING~!).

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Scoreboad Stumper: I'm right. It's Bret. I forget the exact tie-in, but I know Roddy's hooked into Western Canada and the Hart Family from a very early age.

DOLPH ZIGGLER'S OPEN CHALLENGE

Ziggler hits the ring, and is pissed that he was robbed of a match against Seth Rollins as part of Authority Shenanigans. So he's just gonna shut his mouth and steal a page out of Cena's book. If anyone back there wants to come out and prove themselves against Ziggler, just come on down.

And the crowd erupts when it's Neville, from a couple hours up the road in Newcastle....

NEVILLE vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER

Any wrestling fan with an iota of taste likes Ziggler, but the crowd is 100% behind Neville. Much like the Neville/Rollins match last week, we get to see Dolph bust out some chops he usually doesn't get to do, as he's clearly the bigger, stronger guy, by about a mile. Although Ziggler's not the heel, by any stretch, this does underscore Neville's underdog appeal, as Ziggler's offensive looks a bit more dominant and bully-ish than usual.

This all builds up to a wicked stiff stand-up DDT (sold in the Val Venis fashion by Neville) that puts a scare into everybody. So the ref waves Ziggler back to check on Neville, as we break for.....

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Back, and just in the nick of time to see Neville stage a rally, with a textbook Asai Moonsault to show off why he is the Man Who Gravity Forgot. Then, he stands up on the barricade, and walks 90 degrees around the ring to get back to the aisle, where he hits a 450 splash down to the floor.

[Sidenote: it's bugged me for AGES that WWE makes such a big deal aobut all the details down in NXT being identical to the WWE ring, but they just use one of those old crappy steel fence barricades, so we never see the NXT guys using the real WWE barricade. I thought it was robbing them of a chance to "practice" on it... but maybe they have the real barricades at the Performance Center, and this whole time, it's been a trick to hide the tricks they work on from our prying eyes. Lord knows THAT is a new one: Neville hitting a 450 splash off the barricade that's about 2 feet lower than the top rope. Wow.]

Neville takes it back into the ring, but of course, by this time, he only gets a two. But the "THIS IS AWE SOME" chants are also getting started, now.

Neville with a standing enzuigiri, but on the follow-up, he walks into a wicked stiff superkick. But it only gets a two. Ziggler tries the Stinger Splash, but Neville dodges. Ziggler crashes hard. Neville sets up the Red Arrow. Ziggler moves out of the way. Neville lands on his feet. Neville charges. Ziggler dodges. Nevilles crashes hard into the turnbuckle. Zig Zag. Fin.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes (estimated, because, again, we don't know how much time really elapsed during that 3 mintue ad break). Pretty much the same as next week, in that they teased you with a high spot or two that nobody else can do, but also came nowhere near delivering the match that they could do, because the story is that Neville is still getting better. Not that he's already there.

After the Match: Ziggler was all ready to make nicey-nice by giving Neville the Handshake of Mutual Respect.... but in comes Sheamus, who attacks both men. Neville, already beaten, is taken out with a flash Brogue Kick. But Sheamus has to work harder to demolish Ziggler. But once things spill outside, Sheamus introduces Ziggler's head to the announce table, and then hits another Brogue Kick. Looks like this confirms Bryan/Barrett and Ziggler/Sheamus as separate matches at Extreme Rules, rather than keeping the IC Scene one big multi-way deal. Too bad.... this could have been the way you introduce Neville to the fringes of it.

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EXTREME STIPULATING~!

It's time to announce the dueling stipulations for Extreme Rules' WWE Title Match between Seth Rollins and Randy Orton. Rollins (w/ J&J) enters first, and the three plop down into some giant comfy recliners.

Rollins works some cheap heat about how he's the best WWE Champion of all time, and how Kane did the right thing earlier tonight, and blah blah blah. Then, he's finally ready to reveal the stipulation for the ER Title Match. He just wants Orton out here to hear it, face-to-face.

So Orton complies. He gets in the ring, grabs a mic, and wastes no time reminding Seth that he, too, gets to pick a stip. They BOTH won, so they both get stips. Unless, that is, Seth wants to be a man about this, get the furniture out of the ring, and the two of them will just fight until only one man is standing and only one man names a stipulation.

"Oh, by the way, that one man would be me. Just to be clear." Welp, he had me up until that last bit. A good little promo that hinted at something exciting happening, all undone in one moment of Orton reminding us of his true nature: that of a very dumb man who is better served saying less.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because Rollins was never gonna accept that offer. Rollins wants to keep things the way they are. Rollins has power, and power doesn't just give in to random demands. Power schemes, power plans, and power executes that plan. So Randy, the stipulation Rollins chooses is diabolical: at Extreme Rules, Rollins is taking away Orton's greatest weapons. At Extreme Rules, Rollins is taking away the RKO. That's right: the RKO is BANNED at Extreme Rules.

Rollins cackles, and Orton is momentarily thrown, but then he smirks and says, "OK, if that's how we're playing it, fine. I'm taking away YOUR greatest strength, too. And now, it's not your speed, it's not your brains. Your greatest strength are all your Goons. So at Extreme Rules, it's just the two of us. Inside a Steel Cage Match."

Rollins is also momentary thrown, but then tries to give off a vibe of confidence, like he doesn't care. The AUthority isn't the WWE Champion, HE is, and at Extreme Rules HE will be happy to beat Orton inside a Steel Cage.

Orton says great, but once again, if Rollins is so confident, then why not do this whole thing RIGHT NOW. And instead of waiting for Rollins to accept, Orton just bum rushes him, tackling the recliner. The Stooges try to help, but they provide nothing but a distraction. They each eat an RKO as Rollins retreats up the stage. The final visual is Rollins and Orton staring at each otehr as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... a pretty busy, action-packed show, and one that never didn't leave me unbored.

I think that's the right amount of negatives.... bored, un (not bored), didn't (AM bored), and never (back to not bored).... YES, I got it right.

But that doesn't mean it was a world-beater, either. I thought the WWE Title stuff was WAY better this week than last. In place of the very phony and very unconvincing "Who is the challenger?" drama, we got the not nearly as important, but much less certain "What are the stips?" drama.... and on the whole, it worked. The extra tweak with Kane leaning one way, then the other, then back again, was fun, too.... and the final stips picked? I'm OK with those, too... Rollins eliminating the RKO believably eliminates Orton's best weapon. But Orton picking Cage Match eliminates outside interference and introduces a NEW way to win (cage escape), which is mighty crafty of the dumdum.

But other than that, everything was so rapidfire that nothing really had time to make a mark and be a "Oh, hey, did you see THIS?" moment that I want to talk about. Since I got looped in on results as they happened, I know the internet went bonkers for Ziggler/Neville just BECAUSE IT HAPPENED, not knowing how good it was.... and it was good, but it was harmless, throwaway fun, not something you hold up as Why Wrestling Is Great.

I actually liked Cena/Barrett better, for having more actual tension and ambiguity. I MIGHT even (if I were feeling combative) try to bait the wankers by saying that I found Rollins/Kane more entertaining as a Sports Entertainment Segment.

But I'm not feeling combative. I just watched a whole 11 inning baseball game, then RAW on DVR. I'm mostly feeling tired.

So I'll just reiterate that this was a night of snappy, rapidfire stuff, where even the two best matches didn't top 10 minutes, and the entertainment value came from no one thing lasting too long. And I'm all for not overstaying a welcome, but if 5 things "don't overstay" and I can think of 2 things that needed more time to really connect, then hey, I can't help but think, "Hey, let's do THREE things that don't overstay, cut the other two, and give that time to the two things that people want to latch onto, but can't right now if they're that short?"

I know, I'm just being a contrary dick, and it's because I already said I was sweepty and cwanky.

I'll shut up, quickly sneak in a mention that the Crash TV aspect of tonight's show meant Naomi was totally able to steal a segment, with that great 90 second promo, and give the show an overall grade of B-minus.

Which is good, but it also means you're aiming more for the meaty part of the bell curve, rather than trying to stand out. Till next week, OO Nation, I hope all is well for you....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.