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Believe in Evolution
May 5, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com


Remember last week, when I basically gave up on the Indiana Pacers (the closest thing I have to a favorite pro basketball team), despite them being a #1 seed in the Playoffs?
Well, I'm going to top myself by just giving up on my beloved Reds, even though they just took 3 of 4 from the division leaders, are on the smiling side of .500, and it's only one month into the season.

Surely I'm crazy to give up now, right? Maybe. But maybe not. If nothing else, I need to protect my (SURGICALLY REPAIRED~!) digestive tract from massive ulcers, and right now, it seems like the Reds are announcing two major injuries every week. I can't take that stress, dammit! And also, I'm no longer the Professional Drinker I used to be (again, with the surgically-repaired guts), so I also can't lean on the medicinal powers of booze to help me deal.
With all due respect to the Braves, who I think lost 3/5ths of their starting rotation during Spring Training, the Reds are easily the most cursed team in all of baseball, now. We're down 2/5ths of our rotation (Latos hasn't pitched an inning yet, and Cingrani just went on the DL this week). Our closer (phenom Aroldis Chapman) has been on the DL all season. Our starting catcher is currently on his SECOND DL stint, and his back-up just pulled his hammy yesterday. Sensational Billy Hamilton has missed 4 games, and counting, with a hand injury. And for the icing on the cake, our All-Star outfielder Jay Bruce is now out for 6 weeks, due to knee surgery.
Seriously, I know it sucks to be the guy who IS hurt, but it's also EXHAUSTING to be a fan of that many guys who keep suffering injuries. Maybe I should just switch my allegience over to the Yankees, and be done with it. They're in first place, baby! Surely, there's nothing fleeting or ephemeral about their dominance! Right? RIGHT?!?
Wrong. I know. I'm screwed either way.
But I guess I don't need to drag you all down with me. So let's wrap up the preRamble, and get onto business:

Cold Open: no opening theme/pyro/etc., and instead, we slam cut to the inside of  the arena in Albany, NY (site of the '92 Royal Rumble!), and the Shield's music is playing. That's because we're starting with Dean Ambrose forced to defend his US Title in a 20-man Battle Royale.


After Ambrose hits the ring and relinquishes his belt to the ref, the RAW theme song plays, and the locker room empties. Plenty of filler here, but the big names I'll be keeping an eye on are Big Show, Sheamus, Mark Henry, Kofi (if only for his standard Near Elimination Feat of Awesomeness), the Rhoadesses, and maybe Ryback or Ziggler.

Eggsavier Wood, Truth, and Zack Ryder are the first three out, in quick succession. Then just random brawling. An elimination here or there. But Battle Royales are a recappers best friend, because there's really no point doing play-by-play until the final four, or so.

With a dozen guys still in the ring, we break for....


Back, and the same dozen are in the ring, but split into two groups: one ganging up on Big Show, the other on Mark Henry. The two big men fight out of their respective  corners, and are the final two standing... so they do battle in the middle of the ring, with Big Show finally winning the test of strength to hit a chokeslam. But then the other 10 all join up on Show, and eliminate him from behind. Then, the swarm turns around and does the same to Henry.

Cameras miss it, but apparently Goldust was accidentally eliminated when Ryback whipped Cody into the turnbuckle where Goldust was doing a mount-and-punch on Axel. Then, when Cody expressed  remorse, Ryback eliminated him, too.

A bunch more rapidfire elims, and we're down to Five: Ambrose,, Sheamus, Swagger, and Rybaxel. Ryback and Axel try working together to eliminate Ambrose, but Ambrose successfully turns the tables on them, by eliminating both while standing out on the apron.

Swagger charged, and Ambrose tossed HIM, too. That's 3 elims by Ambrose after he was tossed out and stuck fighting on the apron. But now he's got a moment to recoup, and he steps into the ring.... where he walks right into a Brogue Kick. Sheamus is getting pretty substantial boos as he picks Ambrose up, and tosses him out of the ring.

Your Winner, and NEW United States Champion: Sheamus, via survival in a battle royale, in 16 minutes. It was a battle royale. So the first 12 of those were utterly forgettable, but then, they had a decent bit of focused storytelling at the very end. Biggest question: is WWE planning on building on those boos for Sheamus, or will he get back on track when he defends against a heel? I mean, the fact that he's good friends with Triple H is pretty well known, and Evolution DID used to be a 4-man group....

After the Match: Speak of the devil, here's HHH. He stands on the stage, and addresses the  Shield (Rollins and Reigns have joined Ambrose in the ring, while Sheamus has disappeared). He says they got lucky last night at Extreme Rules, but their luck is about to run out. Because later tonight, they'll be in six-man tag action, against the Wyatts.


Coming Tonight: Adam Rose and his Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles. [No, I don't care that TNA just introduced a faction called "The Menagerie." Neither do you. Plus, I was using it first!]

Backstage: Renee Young interviews Sheamus, who says that it's all about timing and picking the right time to strike. And now, it's time for Sheamus to return to glory as the new US Champ. A tinge of heelishness, there... but then Renee asks a follow-up question about how Dean Ambrose must feel losing in a 20-man match. And Sheamus just smiles a cheesy smile and says, "No hard feelings, fella!" Yeah, I think he's inching towards the dark side... and that's a good thing.

Elsewhere Backstage: Daniel Bryan is getting the once-over from his wife. Which sure as hell looks like more fun than getting one from Larry The Trainer. But the touchy-feely fun ends when Stephanie McMahon storms in and says Bryan may think he won last night, but all he REALLY did was make Kane angry. And that means he'll be even more wild and out of control. So she says, "I really CAN'T control him, and I think you'll be safest if you both just stay here in this dressing room, OK?"

Bryan gives a (insincere) "Sure thing, Steph" as she leaves... he doesn't seem too worried. But then Brie turns and points to the back of the door, which suddenly has a Kane Mask hanging on it. Spooky? Nah. More like "lame."


ROB VAN DAM vs. CESARO (w/ Paul Heyman)

Cesaro won the 3-way last night, last eliminating RVD, so this is RVD looking to gt back on track with a little revenge (not just for the loss, but for the nasty shiner he's got). Heyman provides a little pre-ramble of his own, once again invoking the name of "My Client, Brock Lesnar" before introducing Cesaro. I guess the air-raid siren is here for good: it's now part of the schtick, because Cesaro's warning is "when you hear the siren, take shelter, or else."

Seems really time-compressed, here, as RVD comes out of a back-and-forth exchange, gains control with some kicks, and hits Rolling Thunder about 90 seconds into the match. Big seated senton from the ring to the floor. Standing moonsault. Slingshot legdrop. It's almost like RVD is firing up from a heel beatdown that never happened....

Cesaro regains control by ducking a kick and then clotheslining RVD out of the ring. Van Dam is down, Cesaro is posing and taunting the crowd, so we break for....


Back, and Cesaro's working a chinlock. About 15 seconds later, as if on cue, RVD powered out, landed a kick and a sunset flip for a 2-count, and then had the hope spot squashed by a double foot stomp. Cesaro tries to resume his beatdown, but RVD keeps scoring counters for near falls.

So Cesaro does what Cesaro does: he catches RVD jumping off the ropes with a wicked Elevation Uppercut. Only a 2 count, but it does sway things back in his favor. Deadlift suplex. Again. And a hat trick of them, without releasing the waistlock. Impressive. But it only gets a 2.

RVD tries to fight back by going up top, but Cesaro knocks his leg out, and RVD winds up tied to the Tree of Woe. Cesaro stomps a mudhole, and then dives outside the crank back on RVD's neck, while peppering in more forearms and kicks. All the while, however, the ref has been counting, and he gets to 5.

Your Winner: Rob Van Dam, via disqualification, in 10 minutes. Well, that was anticlimactic... feels like they're planning on getting more mileage out of Cesaro/RVD, which sounds great on paper, but I just haven't been feeling it, in execution. I don't know if the styles are too different, or if it's as simple as RVD seeming to be a step slow or off (more like his work in TNA, and not like his excellent, highly-motivated work during his WWE run last summer). Either way, Van Dam gets his "win" back, but also got his ass positively kicked again, so we'll be getting another round of this one soon enough...

Backstage: the lantern is lit. They're here. The lantern is blown out. And I guess they're not really "here," but they presumably will be, after these....



The Wyatt Family are already in the ring, Bray in his rocking chair, and Harper/Rowan flanking him. Bray reminisces about how Abigail told him, long ago, that he (Bray) would change the world. And for a long time, the world rejected his message; the world called him names and dismissed him.

But last night changed everything. Last night, the message got through loud and clear, and John Cena's fear and uncertainty manifested in the form of a small child. It's time for John to learn that the children cannot be fooled. The children now see through John Cena, the recognize him for the charlatan he is. And they may see him (Bray) as a monster, but they also see the monster as an honest monster, not as a deceiver.

So yes, Bray wants to burn the world to ashes, and rebuild it in his own image. But despite what John Cena says, he's not doing it for his (Bray's) own selfishness. He's doing it for the children. The children who feel as though the present world rejects them, dismisses them, just like it did to Bray. They need not suffer through that alone. They can believe in and trust in Bray Wyatt.

Then Bray drops to his knees and sings a verse of "He's Got the Whole World" before a Sheep Mask Freeze Frame provides the outro.


CODY RHODES (w/ Goldust) vs. RYBACK (w/ Curtis Axel)

This match is the result of the Battle Royale, and they've even got a better camera angle to illustrate how Ryback contributed to Cody's accidental elimination of Goldust, which has apparently brought the two brothers together, now that they have someone else to blame for their failures, rather than each other.

Or, in other words, now that they're "made up," tonight is when they'll break up once and for all. Bank on it~!

Fast start for Cody, but within 2 minutes, Ryback is inflicting his will (and his strength/power) on Cody, for a heel beatdown. Goldust is in cheerleader mode as Cody gets dominated, and you can hear his exhortations clearly on the grounds the the live crowd is being completely silent. Ahem.

Ryback goes for a TIMMMBBBEEEERRRRRRR Splash off the second rope, but Cody moves, jumpstarting his comeback. Disaster kick hits. Springboard dropkick hits. But Cody wants to go big, and gets on the top rope. Axel is about to get on the apron to interfere, but Goldust runs oover and breaks it up... and in the battle, Axel shoves Goldust back into the ring post, causing Cody to lose his balance on the top rope.

One Shellshock later, and it's all over.

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in 6 minutes. Flat as hell, cuz I think in so far as anyone cares, it's for the other shoe to fall in the Goldust/Cody break-up. And that didn't happen; just more of the stringing-along... I'm not surprised the crowd was DOA for this one.

Backstage: Brie and Bryan are hanging out in their dressing room when the lights go out. Brie freaks out, and Bryan says "Just hold on to my arm, we'll get out of here." And they do... but not before a single lamp lights up to show another Kane mask.

Meantime, Bryan and Brie are hurrying down a hallway, when they bump into Steph, who is still claiming ignorance of any of this Kane nonsense. To prove she's totally on the level, she says she'll have Bryan's car brought into the building so they can get in and get away without any more hassle.



Los Matadores and El Torito are in the ring to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. The ring is adorned with Mexican flags, pinatas, somebreros, and the like. Fernando and Diego argue over the proper pronounciation of "Universe" ("you-nee-verse" or "joo-nee-verse"), and then they just start handing out candy.

3MB interrupt, saying they want a truce, not trouble. But then, Drew McIntyre seems to completely misunderstand the concept of "truce" by saying it's not an offer, it's a demand. Torito tries to offer Hornswoggle some candy, but Hornswoggle throws it back in his face.

Alleged hilarity ensues, with 3MB getting beat up, and more candy being thrown out to the fans. I was more than happy to grant that WeeLC was pretty great. But this? Was not. Not even close.


Coming Soon: Bo Dallas. How soon? We still don't know.


Russian Debra once again taunts the fans with a picture of Vladimir Putin, and takes it to the next level by declaring Putin to be a tactical mastermind who makes pawns of all Americans, and also declaring Edward Snowden to be a hero. Cold War Cheap Heat is not, apparently, an oxymoron.

So, we're all adults here. Let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Alexander Rusev, via submission, in about 2 minutes. These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along.

Backstage: Bryan and Brie find their car waiting, just as Steph promised. Bryan takes a look around, declares the coast clear, and they hop in.... and in one of those moments I absolutely f'n hate, we suddenly cut to a handheld camera in the backseat of the car, even though there was no cameraman visible from outside, and I GUARANTEE  YOU that Daniel Bryan, the TV character, would not have let his wife get into the car if he spotted a strange man sitting in the backseat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And jarring and distracting, too.

But the cut to the interior view is so that a giant thudding sound on Brie's side of the car can provide a moment of fear. Well, not fear. This just isn't scary. But perhaps a moment of "startledness." But it's only Steph, who says, "Oh, you're so totally free to leave, but not until you're match, Bryan. Which, by the way, is next. And if you don't compete, I'll consider it a breach of contract and strip you of the WWE Title." So Bryan rolls his eyes at the lame bait-and-switch by Stephanie, but tells Brie to stay close, and he'll take care of this, and then they'll get out of here.


DANIEL BRYAN (w/ Brie) vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO (Non-title Match)

As Bryan enters, Cole tries to sincerely tells us that the Ghost of Kane is haunting Daniel Bryan tonight. Oy.

Bryan comes out fast, but keeps looking around, as if worried that Kane might materialize out of nowhere. So that level of constant distraction results in del Rio taking command pretty quickly.

Del Rio's beatdown continues, and even spills outside. After chucking Bryan into the barricade, Bryan is down and out. Alberto celebrates, and we break for...


Back, and del Rio's still in control, this time working on Bryan's left arm, in anticipation of the cross armbreaker. Del Rio makes a mistake by going to the top rope and pausing to taunt the crowd... when he finally jumps off Bryan catches him in mid-air with a dropkick.

But his rally is short-lived, as he's basically a one-armed man. With one strike to the left arm, Alberto regains control for a bit. But when Bryan ducks a kick and counters with the wind-up YES! Kick, it's on like Donkey Kong. Bryan starts firing off tons of kicks, and the crowd perks up for the first time since the opening seconds.

Back and forthy End Game tactics result in trading a few near falls. Divebomb Headbutt. Only a 2. Then tables are turned: run-up enzuigiri, also for 2. Alberto starts calling for the armbreaker, but Bryan escapes and floats over into a YES! Lock, all in one fluid exchange. Del Rio has no choice but to tap.

Your Winner: Daniel Bryan, via submission, in about 12 minutes. Reasonably plodding and flat until the final few minutes. I get that the story is that Bryan's not only beaten and battered from last night, but also distracted... but maybe there are better ways to tell it than having half-assed matches.

After the Match: as soon as the ref raises Bryan's hand, Kane's pyro explodes. After a moment of panic, Bryan grabs Brie's hand, and they sprint up the ramp, then through the backstage area, and to the car. But the car won't start.

Bryan pops the hood, and still panicky, fumbles with a few things until he says he fixed it. But when he puts the hood down, we see Kane has appeared in the backseat behind Brie. Kane starts harrassing her, but Bryan opens the back door, and yanks Kane out. They brawl, and then Bryan gets in the car, while Kane jumps on top.

Bryan pulls out, and Kane tumbles off the roof. For some reason (presumably "Drama") Bryan stops, gets out, and looks at Kane until Kane does the Zombie Sit-up. Then Bryan gets back in and speeds away.

Because nothing says Admirable Hero like being a panicky scaredy cat who can't wait to drive away from a fight. Also, he overcomes massive odds to win the most important title in the world, a title that vindicates him and his talents, and now, you have him in a story where his opponent doesn't care about the belt and is just in it for the random carnage. Ugh. This, from the same geniuses who once thought that a World Title feud would benefit from Triple H freaking out when Chris Jericho ran over his puppy. Terrible on every level.


WADE BARRETT vs. BIG E (IC Title Match)

Obligatory rematch for Big E, who is highly motivated right from the start. He even matches Barrett hold-for-hold during a mat wrestling exchange. Then, it's more to E's strength as the match goes outside, and Langston starts throwing Wade into the ringside furniture.

Tide turns back to Barrett's favor when Barrett dodges a charge, and E's the one who eats the steel ringpost. Running Foley Apron Elbow by Barrett, and Big E might be done. The ref is counting, and Wade is anticipating the count-out, but Langston makes it back in at 9.

Barrett resumes the stompy-stompy, and rather than watch more of the same, we are asked to watch some...


Back just in time to see Big E dodge a corner charge, causing Barrett to crotch himself on the top rope. Rally by E is snuffed out a minute or so later, when Wade counters a powerslam attempt with the Winds of Change. Big E gets separation, and tries for the through-the-ropes-Spear, but Wade gets a knee up.

Barrett in command, calls for the Bullhammer. But E ducks and springs off the ropes with the Engulfening Tackle. Wade tumbles out onto the apron, and Big E strikes, hitting the through-the-ropes Spear this time. Pair of suplexes, and then the strap comes down. Big E goes for the Big Ending, but Barrett notices the ref is out of position, and just rakes Big E's eyes to escape. Bullhammer lands, match is over.

Your Winner: Wade Barrett, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. A lot like their match last night: there was some good stuff there, but the crowd just isn't buying what Big E is selling at this point, which will tend to dampen the atmosphere of any match


Happy Mothers' Day: WWE repurposed Mr. T's Hall of Fame speech -- where he uttered the words "my mother" an estimated 1793 times -- for a Mothers' Day montage. I laughed.


Zeb Colter starts off by reminding us that today is NOT "Cinco de Mayo." It's May 5. The only people who enjoy Cinco de Mayo are the ones who like getting "dog drunk" and vomiting on themselves. "And speaking of vomit, here's something that makes me sick...." and Zeb proceeds to register his outrage at the influx of foriegners into our country AND this company. He namedrops Cesaro, Sheamus, Santino, Emma, Paige, and is about to add another to his list when some groovy music plays.

The Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles appear on the stage, the music switches over, and Adam Rose is here.

The crowd's definitely into the entrance (as I suspected), and once Rose is in the ring, he keeps it short and does not overstay his welcome: he prances around in Zeb's face, and then tells him "Don't be a lemon. Be a Rosebud!" Then, when Swagger attacks, Rose fights him off and chuckes him out of the ring.

Rose's music plays, and his Menagerie get in the ring to start dancing. Zeb's caught in the middle, and actually has to sneak out of the ring, on hands and knees.

I'll chalk that up as a successful debut. Showcased the bits about Rose's act that work, kept the ones that don't hidden.



The Wyatts enter first, lantern and all. The Shield enter second, armed forces alphabet and all. As soon as all six are in the ring, it breaks down into a big brawl. Chaos reigns for a few moments, but as soon as Rollins and Rowan are alone in the ring, the ref declares that to be the legal start of the match.

The Shield kick things off with a display of their own teamwork, using frequent tags to isolate on Harper for a bit. But before too long, Rollins winds up in the wrong part of town, and it's the Wyatts' turn to cut the ring in half.

Rollins gets separation from Rowan with an enzuigiri, and tags in Ambrose. Nice flurry by Ambrose, just like last night, which builds to a Figure Four. The heels swarm, and Ambrose releases the hold; Rollins and Reigns jump in, and we've got another staredown.

Also, we've got our final....


Back, and Ambrose has transformed into a face in peril, and Harper is the one perilizing him. Some more frequent tags by the Wyatts keep Ambrose in trouble for a few minutes, until he low-bridges Rowan on a charge, and tags in Rollins.

His flashy, high-octane offense gets the crowd livened up... until he tries a springboard move on Harper, and gets caught. Rollins is tossed out of the ring, and Harper follows up with his own rendition of the Flying Goat Dive.

Now Rollins is back to the Ricky Morton role, and I have a sneaking suspicion that when the next tag is made, it will be Roman Reigns in the role of Robert Gibson. It takes a while to get there, though... when Harper sets up for a superplex, Rollins fights out and sends Harper crashing to the mat.

That's teh chance he needed. In comes Reigns, who cleans house, and is setting up for the Superman Punch on Bray. Harper and Rowan try to stop it, but Ambrose and Rollins fight them off. Superman Punch to Wyatt.

They set up for the Triple Powerbomb.

But that's when Evolution's music hits. HHH, Batista, and Orton come out. The Shield are distracted, so the Wyatts attack from behind. It turns into a 5-on-3, with Bray still sitting back, regrouping. The Shield actually seem to get the better of it, effectively fighting off Evolution, and then taking out Harper/Rowan with stereo planchas.

However, Reigns and Bray are still the legal men, and Bray strikes while Reigns is observing the outside-the-ring carnage. He comes off the sneak attack with a lightning-quck Sister Abigail. Over.

Your Winners: the Wyatt Family, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. In a lot of ways, it was the same first 15 minutes of last night's Shield/Evolution match, right down to Reigns' identical House o' Fire segment. From there, last night's match went on to 10 minutes of pure awesomeness, while tonight's concluded much more quickly with a simpler screwjob. Still, not a bad deal.

After the Match: the Wyatts got in a few more licks on the Shield, and then powdered out when Evolution decided THEY wanted the scraps. Rollins and Ambrose are dispatched with ease, and then it's time for Reigns to take his medicine.

After a Pedigree, HHH has an idea. He calls Batista over. HHH and Orton lift Reigns up, and put him on Batista's shoulders. TRIPLE POWERBOMB!

Adding insult to injury, Evolution also steals the Shield's Fist Pose as we fade to black.
And so ends the show. If you discard the hot garbage that is Bryan vs. Kane, that was actually a pretty effective bit of Sustainable Episodic TV.
You had a big title change (and MAYBE a heel turn). You had a successful debut. You had some decent (if unspectacular) in ring action. And you had a big finish the should keep people talking about Evolution/Shield for at least another month of fussin' and feudin'.
Problem is, even if the stupidity is compartmentalized in the Kane/Bryan story, it's still the story that SHOULD be about the WWE Title. And not just in some over-arching wankery sense -- "Oh, it should ALWAYS be about the title" -- but because, thematically, it's hamstringing Bryan's character to have him go from the man who most valued the championship and worked so hard to get it, to the man who is no having to deal with random acts of carnage from a man who has no real interest in the title.
I could probably expound upon the myriad incongruities and shortcomings of the Kane/Bryan stuff, but the truth is, I think I can trust you guys to have a good feel for what's wrong here. And also: the sooner I get this done and published, the sooner I can head to the DVR and watch the return of "24."
So we won't dwell too much on what went wrong. We'll give credit to what went right. And when we step back and look at the big picture, I think we'll grade this one a C-plus.

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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28



Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.



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