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Fear the Son of Perfect
May 21, 2013

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com


So.... I take a moment in the Precap of last night's PPV to talk about how great May was, and how I was glad to be rid of April's tragedies, and look at what happens less than 24 hours later. Whoops.
To any readers in the OKC region (or with ties to the area), I apologize. Clearly, I jinxed things, and this is all my fault.


So, in an effort to prevent any future disasters caused by my hubris, I'll just zip it, and get started on telling you the story of last night's RAW...
Professor Ryback's Cheap Heat 101
No extended opening video packages/etc., and instead, it's a cold open, where cameras are in the parking lot, and where an ambulance is driving into the arena. Once in the arena, it parks in the standard JBL/ADR spot off to the right side of the stage. And then the back doors open, and out pops Ryback.
He climbs up on top of the ambulance, and proceeds to cut a promo that is about 17% bragging about being the one who walked away from the WWE Title match last night (Cena got stretchered out) and 83% just randomly insulting the audience. They're fat, they're stupid, they're unemployed, etc. I meant it: random. At least guys whose schtick is being a prettyboy have a reason to call fans fat, and Damien Sandow has a reason to call them stupid... but when did Ryback become handsome or intelligent?
At least he delivers the cheap-ass barbs with some level of gusto, so the fans bite on it, and boo him.
Bringing it all back around to Cena, Ryback says he wants to prove himself as the true WWE Champ, and as such, he's issuing a challenge to Cena: he wants an Ambulance Match at the Payback PPV. "Ryback rules," and he walks away.
Delayed Welcome: Meantime, we cut to Cole/JBL/King, who welcome us to the show and lay out what's on tap. In so doing, Cole manages to accept Ryback's challenge on behalf of Cena, apparently, because he says "We've already learned Ryback will face John Cena in an Ambulance Match at Payback." Says you, Cole, says you. And later tonight we will have a huge announcement from Paul Heyman (introducing a new client). And next is a big tag match. And by "next" we mean immediately after these....
Chris Jericho and Miz vs. Fandango and Wade Barrett
FWIW, Barrett has new entrance music. I guess I don't dislike it. But I'd also gotten used to his existing theme, and don't know why you'd replace it with something so forgettable.
Anyway, Jericho gets off to a decent start against Barrett, but it lasts for all of 90 seconds before the heels start to cut the ring in half. But they don't exactly do it peaceably: Fandango is punctuating his half of the offense with mincing and prancing, and Barrett keeps telling him to cut that shit out, and stay focused on the match.
In fact, the two leave Jericho laying, and then engage in an acrimonious stare-down as we break for...
Back, and Jericho has apparently made a tag to Miz (EXCLUSIVELY ON THE WWE APP~!), because Miz and Barrett are no going back and forth. The point is made that Miz is still owed an IC Title rematch against Wade (from before he left to go make a movie)... I thought they took care of that? Or does it not count if it happens on Wednesday Night's Main Event?
Anyway, Miz begins to take command, and Fandango decides to bail on Wade, rather than muss up his pretty hair. So Fandango goes over to Summer Rae, orders the time keeper to get them to play his music, and then begins dancing. While the match continues. Of note: Fandango's got a new Titantron video, and it actually contains the "Daaaa da, da da da daaaada" lyrics for fans to follow along with. Oy.
This proves to be a rather big distraction for everybody involved (and especially upsetting to Barrett). Wade rallies and hits Miz with a big sidewalk slam, but instead of covering, he goes to yell at Fandango. Miz, meantime, makes a tag to Jericho, who bides his time and manages to land a Codebreaker on the distracted Barrett. Quick re-tag to Miz (Jericho must be feeling generous tonight), and he locks Barrett in the Figure 4, for the win.
Your Winners: Miz and Jericho, via submission, in roughly 8 minutes. But almost half of that was an ad break, so really, this existed to tell the story of Miz once again proving he can beat Barrett, with the secondary story of Fandango being a jackass. The friction between Barrett and Fandango can't possibly be leading to a face turn, can it?
After the Match: Barrett's writhing in pain, and Miz and Jericho decide to put an end to Fandango's dancing... they get him cornered, and he flees through the crowd (knocking over a fan, in the process), abandoning Summer Rae. Jericho takes the opportunity to once again put the moves on Summer. But after "dipping" her, and getting her all hot and horny, Jericho just smirks and walks away with a dismissive wave. Poor Summer?

Poll Time: Vickie Guerrero comes out on the stage to announce a poll... Jack Swagger will be in action later tonight, and we can choose among Randy Orton, Khali, and R-Truth. At this precise moment, I declared to my living room that if Orton got less than 60% of the vote, I would eat a bug.
Backstage: Daniel Bryan is sulking, after losing the tag titles last night... but Kane pops in and tries to cheer him up. The role reversal of Kane being upbeat and goofy, while Bryan is all brooding and intense, is the source of much amusement (for us). Finally, Daniel snaps and says he's not gonna stand by and listen to a cheery peptalk from the guy who espouses "Embrace the Hate." This turns Kane serious, and he says the reason he's able to stay calm is because he knows they get a rematch against Rollins and Reigns, and he's confident they will win. They weren't tag champs for 8 straight months for nothing. So he just wwants Bryan to join him in feeling that confidence, since the Shield will prey on any weakness. Bryan takes this the wrong way, and thinks Kane is calling him a weak link. Before things can get out of hand, Kofi Kingston shows up to commisserate, since he, too, lost a title to the Shield last night. And he smooths things over by declaring how much he wants to kick the Shield's ass tonight in a 6-man tag match. Kane and Bryan couldn't agree more.
Sheamus vs.
Sheamus vs. Titus O'Neill (w/ Darren Young)
A glorified squash, building on the notion that O'Neill is looking to avenge Mark Henry (the two are training partners, or so we are told).
Titus actually did get some decent power offense in, and this took on the feel of a semi-slobberknocker. Sheamus hit hard, and Titus gave as good as he got, including a MANLY~! fall-away slam. Also: Titus said a naughty word. When taunting Sheamus, he asked the rhetorical question, "So you think you're tough?" Then, he added a follow-up, "You think you're fricking tough?" Except, he didn't say "frick." Not kid-friendly, but certainly convincing in terms of Titus' intensity.
But eventually the inevitable happened. Sheamus takes command. A Ten of Clubs here. A White Noise there. Foiling Darren Young's interference. Brogue Kick. Fin.
Your Winner: Sheamus, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes. Twice as long, and thrice as competitive as I'd have guess. Still nothing much to give a shit about, but I'll take what I can get.
Paul Heyman's Plucked From Obscurity Theatre
It's time for Paul Heyman to introduce us to his new client. He hits the ring -- alone, no music -- and first serves up an appetizer of bragging about Brock Lesnar's win at the PPV last night. He really ladels it on thick with the mocking of Triple H as a loser.
But then, it's on to tonight's important business: bringing new star power to WWE. Heyman reminds us that he was the one who brought Brock Lesnar to WWE in 2003. He reminds us that he was the one who saw the potential in CM Punk in 2006. He, smartly, forgets that he failed abysmally with Heidenreich. And so did you, until I just mentioned it. Ain't I a stinker?
Anyway, Heyman's legacy as a star-making is going to continue here in 2013, with the introduction of The Next Paul Heyman Guy. Sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. But not tonight. Tonight, we kill the lights, and wait...
And then some music fires up, and the Tron video has "CURTIS AXEL" in big letters. Who? Then the music suddenly takes a turn for the familiar. It's a variation on Mr. Perfect's theme. And the guy sauntering down the ramp is wearing Larry "the Axe" Hennig's beard. [Seriously, is this a big time Beard Renaissance in WWE, or what?]
Yep, it's the former Michael McGuillicutty (Curt Hennig's son, Larry's grandson), finally owning up to his legacy with a makeover that pays direct homage to his dad and grandpa. The music needs some SERIOUS work (it sounds like somebody put about 3 minutes of effort into it, and churned it out using a Casio MagicTouch MIDI-5000 keyboard, instead of using even one real instrument), but the general idea of recycling a classic theme is golden. And even if "Curtis Axel" seems like a lame way to mash-up his dad and grandpa's names, just remember: we live in a day and age where you take a guy named "Dolph Ziggler" seriously, even though it's just about the stupidest thing imagineable.
Anyway, once Curtis hits the ring, Paul goes about the process of getting the fans to take this relative nobody seriously. He draws comparisons to Brock and Punk. He makes clear that Curtis possesses the same genes that made Larry and Curt hall of famers. But he also says that Curtis wants to make his own name, and that's why he... well, why he made up his own name. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Curtis Axel."
And that is how Joe Hennig got the crap booed out of him, without saying a single word of his own.
But there's someone who's not quite as impressed with Heyman's announcement: Triple H interrupts, and hits the ring. He almost completely ingores Axel, and wants to talk to Paul. Because, you see, no matter how much taunting Paul did, HHH is not ashamed of what happened last night. Brock beat the crap out of him, and he beat the crap out of Brock. And in the end, it took a sledgehammer to break the tie. Nothing to be embarassed about there.
But that doesn't mean HHH has to stand by and let Heyman run his mouth about it, either. So hey, why not come out here and beat Heyman up, just because he can?
Curtis Axel is why. He steps in, now with a mic of his own, and says "You want him, you gotta to through me. The Game has changed." HHH looks him in the eye. Assesses the situation. And then says, "Fine, then I'll do something else, just because I can. I'm making a match tonight. Me versus you." Axel is not intimidated... then HHH breaks the tension by leaning to the side so he can look at Paul and say "But after that, I'm still beating the crap out of you, too" in a lighthearted/taunty manner.
Play HHH's music as he walks away! Get a shot of Paul and Axel looking fairly confident as we cut to....
Alberto del Rio vs. Big E. Langston (w/ AJ)
So Alberto's now the #1 Contender to Dolph Ziggler's World Title... but with Dolph still on the shelf with a concussion, his hired goon has stepped up to face Alberto and start softening him up.
First few minutes had Langston in control, while the announcers reminded us that del Rio's still injured from last night (and retell the story of how he only won thanks to a replay/restart). Then, Alberto is able to fire up and start a rally.
And then AJ steals Ricardo's spit bucket, and throws it into the ring. The ref is distracted. Big E. gouges Alberto's eyes. Big E. hits the Big Ending. And that's it. Huh.
Your Winner: Big E. Langston, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. That was abrupt. I mean, they just gave a much-more-squash-y Titus O'Neill match 6 minutes, but this gets 4? Weird. But I'm not complaining too much, as Langston's win is a pretty interesting development. It might just be insurance if Dolph doesn't recover soon, but also: Langston just beat the #1 Contender. Which arguably puts him in the title hunt. Maybe. If he's interested. [And if you've seen him work as a babyface on NXT, you'll want him to be interested.]
Layla vs. AJ
AJ just stuck around after the previous match, and is lounging on the ropes. Layla arrives. And we begin.
And then we pretty much end. Nothing to see here. Unless you like seeing AJ get spanked. Because leave it to AJ to invent a new submission hold (the Black Widow) that leaves its victim no choice but to tap out by smacking AJ's rump. That girl rules.
Your Winner: AJ, via submission, in 90 seconds or so. Want to touch the heinie. [/sandler]
Zack Ryder vs. Cody Rhodes
The "serious-i-fication" of Zack continues. Now, he's gone back to the full length tights, in black, similar to what he wore as an Edgehead.
But it still doesn't keep him from being a jobber on this night.
Your Winner: Codey Rhodes, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. Thanks for playing, Zack.
After the Match: Ryback's music hits, and Cody bails. Ryback proceeds to decimate Ryder. The announcers completely whiff on a chance to make this a bit more personal, by pointing out how Cena was one of Ryder's biggest fans (at least, he was 18 months ago), so he was sending a message by beating up his little buddy. Oh well. In any case, the now seemingly random act still sends enough of a message. Once Ryder has been thoroughly destroyed, Ryback tosses him into the back of the ambulance for added effect. No really, thanks for playing, Zack!
Kane/Daniel Bryan/Kofi Kingston vs. The Shield
Shield enters first, and Ambrose quarterbacks a quick promo, pointing out that they all hold gold, now. In short: they've been telling us all along, but maybe now we'll start listening, and BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD~!
Then the good guys hit the ring, and we're off. Ambrose starts, so Kofi volunteers to do the same for his team. Kofi gets the better of it, and then it morphs into Bryan vs. Rollins. Bryan gets the better of THAT, too, accentuating his offense by screaming "I am not the weak link!" whenever he can.
Kane comes in for a cup of coffee, but then Kofi re-enters the match and becomes your Babyface in Peril. A solid, old school, teamwork-based heel beatdown kicks off and lasts a good 2-3 minutes, until a hot tag to Daniel Bryan...
And oh my, was it a hot one. Bryan's on fire, and the crowd is all into it. The Shield attack Dumb Ninja Style (one at a time), and Bryan just mows them down with stiff kicks, missile dropkicks, and anything else he can think of. He finally isolates on Ambrose (the legal man) long enough to go for the No Lock, but Rollins and Reigns reach in and pull Ambrose to the ropes for a break, and then pull him all the way out of the ring to regroup.
So I guess that was only a Decoy Hot Tag, and there's more awesomeness still to come, after these...
Back, and Bryan's now the for-real Face in Peril. The Shield once again execute a perfect cut-the-ring-in-half strategy, this time for slightly longer than before (with Ambrose, in particular, landing the most offense on Bryan, and also being the biggest dick: while he was kicking Bryan's ass, he kept talking to him, saying stuff like "How's that feel, Weak Link?" or "This is too easy, Weak Link"; what an asshole). But as tends to happen, Bryan was able to get traction after one of his hope spots, and made a tag to Kane. At the same time, Reigns tagged in.
Slobberknocker time. A couple big moves, and then it just breaks down into a Pier Sixer. Coolest part of the wild brawl: Kofi and Bryan did criss-cross stereo planchas onto Rollins and Ambrose. Awesome visual. That brought us back to Kane and Reigns in the ring. Kane gets the better of it, but outside the ring, the smaller guys are stirring, and the Shield get the better of that. With Kofi and Bryan powdered out, Ambrose lands a last second desperation springboard move to break up a chokeslam attempt by Kane. Kane swats him away, but is then distracted by Ambrose. And when Kane turns back around, he walks right into a Spear by Reigns. D'oh.
Your Winners: the Shield, via pinfall, in 24 minutes. Just excellent, and well worth the effort to find on the youtbues. Trust me, my description doesn't really do it justice, as I stuck to the over-arching story/formulae being used, without giving credit to the details of how well they were used. All you need to know is that I was fully ready for the match to end after the hot tag to Bryan (before the commercials); the match had already lasted about 10 minutes, and the hot tag was so hot, so convincing, so credible, that I would have been happy as hell if it had ended there. Then they broke for ads, instead, and gave us another 12 minutes after that. Awesome.
Backstage: HHH is taping up for his match later tonight when a PA comes in and says that the team doctor has reservations about clearing HHH to wrestle tonight after the beating he took last night. HHH tells the PA to go tell the doc that if he wants to remain the team doc, he'll sign off. Because workplace intimidation and unjust termination are perfectly fine in WWELand.
Backstage: Kaitlyn has just gotten another text from her Secret Admirer, and Nattie is right there to once again suggest that Khali can/should do some snooping for her. Kaitlyn, wisely, shoots this notion down, again. Then, the two spy Cody Rhodes walking down the hall, while texting. They're all "omigodomigod he's texting right now maybe it's him omigod," and then get it together just as Cody walks past. He notices the too-calm silence and asks "What?" Kaitlyn just shurgs and Nattie sort of gestures (Broadly) to the phones. Cody figures it out and says "Oh, you wish. It's not me." Then he walks off, and we've learned absolutely nothing new about Kaitlyn's secret admirer this week.
Jack Swagger vs. Poll Results
Swagger hits the ring. He circles the ring, and waits for Jerry Lawler to reveal his opponent.
Surprise: it's Randy Orton. With 72% of the vote. No bug for me! [Khali got 19% and Truth 9%. Sucks to be Truth. Orton winning proves the WWE Universe is predictable. Khali out-performing Truth proves they have no taste.] As Orton slow-walks to the ring, let's watch some...
Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger

Kinda backwards pyschology to start, with Swagger selling an arm injury from last night, and trying valiantly to overcome. Who feels sympathy for the tea party nutjob heel in a situation like this?
But then, after a seemingly over-long ntroductory phase, we get back to normal, as Orton -- ever the less-than-diligent dimwit -- told Swagger "Hey, why not hit me with a chop block?" Then he whipped Swagger into the ropes, and Swagger -- SHOCKINGLY~! -- hit him with a chop block. Oh, Randall, why must you make it so easy?
From there, it was a knee-based beatdown by Swagger, until he tosses Orton out of the ring. While Orton recovers, we break for...
Back, and it's still knee-based offense by Swagger for a few minutes. Not the most thrilling offense, either, as the main highlight was a lengthy spinning toe hold. Ten out of 10 for old tymey rasslin' holds, but minus several million for dynamism. Then again, maybe Swagger's just trying to prove he can do Methodical Lethargy as well as Orton ever did?
After several false starts, Orton's comeback finally kicks in when he lands his big pendulous powerslam for a near fall. Pace picks up from here on out, with Swagger managing to land the Swagger Bomb and a powerbomb, while Orton's big moves included a superplex and the Hangman DDT. But nothing's enough to finish off the other guy.
Orton's the first to go for a true finisher, but his RKO is countered into the Patriot Act. Swagger never quite gets it all the way cinched in, and Orton's finally able to kick him off. Then another quick grapple, and Swagger ends up bouncing off the ropes, and running directly into an RKO. Done and done.
Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 15 minutes or so. Not terrible, but man alive was it slow going for the first 10 of those. Everything they did "made sense" from a psychological stand point, but that doesn't mean it wasn't bland as hell, practically daring me to pay more attention to the Reds game on the picture-in-picture. Or, to use my standard phraseology: "5 minutes of action in a 15 minute bag."
Hype: Dean Ambrose gives Kofi Kingston his obligatory US TItle rematch this Friday on SmackDown. They did well at the PPV, and I suspect they'll get even more time on Friday.
Triple H vs. Curtis Axel
True fun fact: Joe Hennig has a 4-year-old son named "Brock." Coincidence or Conspiracy~?~!~? All the more reason why he makes sense as America's Next Heyman Guy.
I don't know if I just never noticed, or if Axel's wearing lifts, now, but he's pretty much the same height as Hunter. Huh. But not as strong. HHH wins the lock-ups, and gains the early advantage. But once Axel busts out a sudden dropkick, the tables turn.
The announcers immediately latch onto the fact that HHH is, essentially, competing against doctor's orders. And then, when Axel starts just punching him in the face, they also point out that HHH took a sledgehammer to the jaw just 24 hours ago, and those punches might be more dangerous than we know. FORESHADOWING~!
Axel only gets a minute or two of offense in before HHH turns the tables with a big ol' spinebuster. Then, he clotheslines Axel out of the ring, and follows him. But in the ringside brawling, HHH takes another punch to the face, and is suddenly a bit woozy. He shakes it off, and slams Axel's head into the ring apron, and tosses him back into the ring.
But before HHH can follow, he drops to one knee. Then he gets back up, and stumbles to the time keeper to say something to him. The ref has now come out to check on HHH, and HHH makes one last ditch effort to get to his feet and stay there. But instead, he falls, and crawls over to the ring announcers chair, and plops himself down.
At this point, trainers swarm, and apparently, we just assume the match is over.
Your Winner: None, but it SHOULD have been Curtis Axel, via ref stoppage, in about 5 minutes. This is a major peeve of mine, and it's related to my rant about the Cena/Ryback non-finish last night. I'm fine with doing an over-the-top/for-real/shoot-y angle like this, but only if you show just cause, first. Cena/Ryback falling out of view to land on mattresses is not just cause. And neither was HHH competing "against doctor's orders" in an obvious pro wrestling storyline. Shawn Michaels duping us all after he got for-real beat up by Marines, this was not. And doing another cheesy non-finish 24 hours after the first one? Even more annoying.
If you're gonna do this, then AT LEAST ring the bell and end the match at some point. HHH should have been counted out. If not that, then the ref stops the match for him. Until the bell rings, Axel should have been right there, wanting to pounce. And if the ref tells him not to, that's fine. That's when Axel says, "OK, but if the match is over, then ring the bell and raise my hand." Which is what the ref should have done. It's a simple matter of presentation; the idea of the lingering headaches is fine, but how you present it has to have SOME thought put into it, dammit. So ring the bell and call a finish. Then we can go back to pretending to care about HHH's "post-concussion syndrome" if that's absolutely the way you must end the show. Ugh.
After the "Match": Hennig is nowhere to be seen, and pretending to care about HHH's "post-concussion syndrome" is absolutely the way WWE chooses to end the show. The announcers go silent, and we contemplate the image of HHH slumped over in a chair, holding his head, for a minute or two before fading to black...
And so ends the show... the ending was weak and unsatisfying as hell, but you can't write off the entire show just because of that. Joe Hennig is now "Curtis Axel" and will have Paul Heyman's Midas-like touch helping him to carve out a spot on WWE's upper card. I'm intrigued by the Langston win and how that might eventually play into the WHT picture (either as cover for Ziggler's for-real concussion, or as a possible face turn). And then there was the six-man match.
Oh my, what a six-man match. You definitely want to hunt that one down and watch it, if you like things that are great.
But yeah, I won't stop you from being underwhelmed by most of the rest of the show, or downright annoyed at the poor execution of the main event "story." Trying to channel my Inner Pyro to deliver a single all-encompassing grade, I think I might be able to give a C+.
Till next time, kids...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28



Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.



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