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Cena Single-Handedly Beats the Shield
May 14, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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This is a strange week, as it's a week of “lasts.” On Thursday, NBC will air the very last episode of “The Office,” which I'll miss, though it's leaving probably three seasons too late. Tuesday will be the last episode of my Sims 3 Socialism Challenge on YouTube. I found out that this year will see the last season of “Burn Notice.” And more relevantly to you, and to the unmoistening of the panties in the minds of ladies with distinguishing taste, this will be my last RAW recap for Online Onslaught in the foreseeable future.

Rick is great to me: Online Onslaught has given me a chance to expand my audience, as Rick has allowed me to write freely without a corporate “voice” that I have to follow, for better or worse. (There are only two precaps I can think of off the top of my head that he struck, and one gay joke, but otherwise he's left all my writing intact.)

But while I get free self-advertising around here for all of my various projects, I can't pay my bills with self-promotion alone. DISH Network was simply too expensive to continue to have, especially given that basically the only show I watched that I couldn't get immediately online was WWE RAW. I simply can't afford the cost anymore. Simple math tells me that I'll be saving $840/year without it.

But fear not, lady brain-panties! I'm not leaving Online Onslaught entirely, just RAW recaps. I'll still be on-hand to delivery weekly SmackDown recaps, but they'll be coming one day later than usual, as I'll be watching the show on Hulu Plus. So from here on out, we're going to see how long we can do a Sunday release of the recaps, though I'm sure if the delay proves to be too annoying, I may have to settle on stepping away from OO entirely until I can get enough of an income to renew my DISH subscription. Either way, I'll be back eventually; I just don't know how long it will take me to get the funds together to renew a television subscription. Perhaps if or when I can get a new day job, things will look up again.

Let's not dwell on the future though, for RAW is now, and the divas need my brand of “commentary”! Let's roll...

Segment 1: We open to Jerry Lawler in the ring, which is covered in squared wood tile, like a dance floor... so you know what this shit means. Lawler and a video package recap Fandango's activities from WrestleMania 29 to last week, explains Fandango and Chris Jericho's dance history, then introduces Fandango.

And he's accompanied but Summer Rae, who shows clearly she doesn't know what she's doing compared to the original Fandangirl, so whatever. There are a couple idiots doing Fandangoing, but it's definitely run its course; basically, no one cares anymore.

Jericho then hits the ring with his dance partner, who has an unpronounceable Russian name, so I'm going to call her Skinny. (Those idiots who actually have the audacity to think Kate Upton is fat would probably splooge for Skinny, and that's not a compliment.) Though, her face could be a dead-ringer for Stephanie McMahon's, so maybe Jericho has a type.

Lawler explains the rules that I couldn't possibly give a shit about, promos are exchanged, and then we get started. Fandango starts, and Summer Rae immediately (kayfabe) twists her ankle. As Fandango berates her for “ruining his moment,” Jericho and Skinny check on her. Fandango leaves the ring... then comes back and kicks Jericho in the face. Skinny bails, and Fandango proceeds to beat the shit out of Jericho. Eventually they spill outside, and Fandango grabs a section of the flooring, then nails Jericho in the face with it, leaving him down and out.

Fandango slides back in the ring, and Summer Rae... proceeds to stand up and jump around while smiling. Boo! Ladies and gentlemen, a heel turn! Or heel “debut,” I guess, since she was a tweener or something up until now. The fans boo the hell out of her for the right reasons, and she dry humps Fandango's pelvis as he dips her while looking angrily into the camera.

That closes out the segment, but I have an interesting aside. Last week for the SmackDown recap, I mentioned Josh Mathews seemed to go nuts and become a heel, but Rick offered this:

“But it could also be as simple as Mathews standing up to JBL -- either by design or spontaneously, I don't know, but I'd lean towards the former -- who really does take the verbal bullying to an extreme sometimes.”

It seems that's the plan, as there were several times where JBL was blathering like an idiot—such as bitching how Summer Rae totally ruined Fandango's moment—and Michael Cole sort of played devil's advocate. It seemed Cole forced JBL to dial it back; after Cole would say something like, “Yeah, but that's no excuse to assault Jericho!,” there would be a pause, and then JBL would backpedal. It almost seems like when JBL started going a little ballistic, Cole called a time out, then some voices in JBL's head pulled him back and made him less of a lunatic. I don't know if I'm over-thinking it, but it really seemed there were noticeably moments where JBL said one thing, paused, and suddenly said something else with a calmer tone. Something is going on there.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Zack Ryder by pin. Nope.

Segment 3: RAW mini-recap about the Triple H/Brock Lesnar feud.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players reverse-squash Tons of Funk (w/ Funkadactyls) by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Seemed a little too out-of-the-blue win for the heels, but on replays, we see that Darren Young (illegal at the time) stabbed Brodus Clay (legal) in the throat with his afro pick, followed by Titus O'Neil doing a quick roll-up pin. That... seemed a little violent.

Segment 5: Matt Striker introduces Teddy Long, who gives us the report that Dolph Ziggler is out at Extreme Rules due to his real-life concussion. Long starts to announce what exactly he's going to do about, but then Long is swarmed by Jack Swagger, Zeb Colter, AJ, and Big E. Langston who all argue about what should be done.

Bickering ensues, and Long announces that Swagger will face Alberto Del Rio at Extreme Rules in a #1 Contender's I Quit Match. Huh. For Langston, he'll face either Swagger or ADR. We get to vote on the stupid WWE App.

Pre-Segment 6: Kofi Kingston hits the ring for a match. Damien Sandow hits the ring too and says he “won't be singing a song today” at Kofi, which seems incredibly random and nonsensical. He says that a song, like Kofi's reign, is a joke, and Sandow will so totally take the title on Extreme Rules. We're welcome.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Damien Sandow by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Average length and no high spots, but it did what it needed to do. Match ended with an out-of-nowhere Trouble in Paradise.

Segment 7: Mark Henry hits the ring to be interviewed by Josh Mathews. Recaps and shitty promos happen, and then Henry wants to demonstrate the point of a strap match by strapping Mathews to himself. Mathews, like a total fucking idiot, goes ahead and does it instead of running away. Henry levels him, then drags him around and hits each of the ring posts to demonstrate how to win.

Then Henry, still with the strap, invites Sheamus to just come out here now and do the match tonight instead of waiting for Extreme Rules. After a pregnant pause, Sheamus pops out with a mic and stands on the stage, then talks some shit. Blathering ensues, then Sheamus heads for the ring.

Sheamus pulls a strap of his own out from under the ring, then gets in. They slap each other with the straps, and it's Henry who gets taken down and runs away. It looked a little like a stereotypical nerd slap fight for my taste, but the fans liked it.

Segment 8: Another RAW recap focusing on Brock Lesnar.

Segment 9: WWE shows a movie trailer, 12 Rounds II: Reloaded, starring Randy Orton. It includes the phrase “A Good Man” as it shows Orton... insert your own punchline here. (Also: why the hell do you mix Arabic and Roman numerals in the same freaking title? Can't you just call it 13 Rounds or something?)

Pre-Segment 10: Antonio Cesaro now comes to the ring with a beret. It actually looks good on him.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Antonio Cesaro by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Watchable, but nothing you're going to have to go out of your way for. One guess how the match ended.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Heath Slater (w/ 3MB) by submission. Meh. Watchable, but overlong and uninteresting. The match ended with the Figure Four.

Segment 12: Boobies are good, cancer is bad.

Segment 13.1 [Six-Man Elimination Tag Match]: Standard feeling-out sequence to start, with the faces generally getting the better of it. Daniel Bryan had a fairly sick submission hold: Dean Ambrose was lying on his side, and DB stood on him with one foot planted on his ribcage, the other on the forearm of his spread arm, with DB pinning Ambrose's wrist to the mat. That's a good way to separate a shoulder!

Anyway, John Cena had Seth Rollins in a rest hold, and then we went to commercials. No falls.

Segment 13.2: Kane gets disqualified. Long sequence here, with Daniel Bryan becoming the Face in Peril. The Shield cut the ring in half and did the damage, but DB was able to make the hot tag to Kane. Kane cleaned house, and wound up grabbing the throats of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose simultaneously, but rather than deliver simultaneous chokeslams, he shoved them out of the ring.

Kane then kneed Roman Reigns off the apron, followed him out, and grabbed the hood of the commentary table. Referee Mike Chioda told Kane to calm the hell down, but instead Kane smacked Rolling in the head with it. The ref slid out the ring to tell Justin Roberts personally that Kane was out, and then we went to commercials.

Segment 13.3: Seth Rollins pins Daniel Bryan. Once we're back, it's Cena who is Face in Peril. More good teamwork from the heels, but Cena gets the hot tag to DB. DB goes nuts and takes out basically everyone, and does a high angle missile dropkick off the top rope to Rollins to cap it off. Everything looked like DB would get the first fall for the faces, but Rollins surprisingly kicked out.

DB then wanted the No Lock, but Rollins fought out of it before it could be applied. The Shield managed to recover, and Ambrose tagged himself in as Rollins took an Irish Whip. DB started to apply the No Lock again, but he realized Rollins tagged out, so he tried to go after Ambrose. However, Ambrose was fresh, and between Rollins doing a kick to DB's face and an Ambrose-delivered neckbreaker, DB couldn't hang on.

Segment 13.4: John Cena pins Seth Rollins. Cena was FIP, and Shield was even triple-teaming him. But Cena got an opening, did a one-man House of Fire and took out the entire Shield by shoving the illegal men off the apron. Cena his his Five Moves of Doom, including the FU, and Rollins is sent packing.

Segment 13.5: Roman Reigns gets disqualified. As soon as Rollins was eliminated, Ambrose slid in the ring, and Cena lifted him for an FU. Ambrose held onto the top ropes though, so Cena was delayed. Reigns tried to make the save, but Chioda got in the way. Reigns wasn't having that shit, so he just shoved Chioda aside, then did a nice stiff Spear to Cena. The ref called for the announcement that Reigns was DQ'ed, but the damage was done.

Segment 13.6: Dean Ambrose gets disqualified. Ambrose covered Cena after the Spear, but Cena kicked out. Ambrose threw a temper tantrum, then tried to do something, but Cena countered whatever it was going to be into an STF. Ambrose was dead-center in the ring, with nowhere to go. He didn't have a chance to tap though, as Rollins and Reigns came back to kick Cena's ass. DQ, so The Shield gets their first loss as a group, but they definitely don't care.

Post-Segment 13: The Shield collectively beats up Cena. No saviors for the guy: he takes the triple powerbomb, and The Shield heads off to the back.

Overall it was a good match, but it deserved better than that finish, I think. Story-wise though, it did what it needed to do.

After Shield retreated, Ryback came to the ring, where Cena was still unable to get up. Ryback grabbed a chair, then smashed on that INJURED~! Achilles’s tendon.

Segment 14: Yet another cotton-picking recap of Brock Lesnar.

Segment 15: After commercials, Striker interviews Ryback, who cuts a generic promo. But again, I've come around to Ryback: he does “intensity” well, and he doesn't need CM Punk levels of articulation to get his point across. When he keeps them short, the promos work. Good stuff.

Pre-Segment 16: AJ “Gainax's” down to the ring as she power-skips down the ramp. I'm 100% sure you don't know what that means, but I enjoy it considerably, and yes, I always look.

Turns out that Jack Swagger won the right to face Langston 65-35, which is pretty surprising to me. [Ed. Note: Me, too. Was the face-to-face segment earlier really enough to convince the fans to vote for a heel vs. heel match? And if so, does this suggest that the fans would be ready for a Big E. face turn? If you're like OO, and go out of your way to watch the new NXT every week, you'd know he's really good at playing the part.]

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) defeats Big E. Langston (w/ AJ) by countout. Decent match, nothing special. The fans weren't really into it, which makes sense: heel/heel doesn't play as well as face/face. Not helping matters was that it was basically power-versus-power for some reason, and that never works out well.

The match finish saw the fight spill outside. Langston was on offense, and Swagger was punch-drunk against the corner barricade. Langston lined up, then charged, but Swagger moved; Langston basically gutted himself against the barricade and went flying over it, almost like the barricade itself back body dropped him. Swagger painfully rolled into the ring at 9, and Langston was still down in the front row of the crowd at 10.

Post-Segment 16: Immediately after the bell rang, Alberto Del Rio came down to sucker punch Swagger, because that's what faces do. Swagger defended himself by going right after that wounded knee, and even slapped on the Patriot Act. Ricardo tried to make a save by smacking Swagger in the back of his head with the water bucket, but Swagger no-sold it and kicked Ricardo in the face.

Still, it broke the hold, and ADR struggled to his feet. He kicked Swagger in the gut, then applied the Cross Arm Breaker. Jack tapped for no reason, but Langston came back and broke the hold, then kicked Swagger a few times. Then ADR came in, kicked Langston, and tried to do something to Swagger. But Swagger reversed, and ADR re-reversed, and sent Swagger out of the ring with a clothesline. Langston had powdered out by then, so it's ADR who stands tall in the ring.

Pre-Segment 17: The Bella Twins and Kaitlyn are all joining the commentary team, making it a six-person booth, which totally won't be confusing at all. Hornswoggle and Khali are nearby as well for god knows what reason.

Segment 17 [Singles Match]: AJ defeats Natalya by submission. The beginning of the match was pretty lame, with AJ basically playing a chickenshit heel. It was intentional, though, because they had to keep cutting to Kaitlyn, who randomly received another gift from her secret admirer. I think it was a Simpsons trivia set (I bet Question 1 is “What state is Springfield located in?”), but I could barely hear her; someone needs to tell her not to mumble while she's on a headset.

So AJ generally got her ass kicked in the few times Nattie caught her. So then we came to a crazy spot, where Natalya tried to do what I presume was a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. However, while Nattie had her up sort of in a side slam position, AJ quickly circled Nattie's body in midair and locked on one of the craziest and most painful submissions I've ever fucking seen. I can't even adequately describe it, but I'll try... Nattie was still standing, and AJ's stomach was against her left rib cage. AJ's right leg was bent and wrapped around Nattie's left thigh while pushing down on her knee from the back, and AJ's left leg was vertically up and around Nattie's neck. AJ also had Nattie's left arm pinned in a modified kimura using AJ's own armpit as the fulcrum, while AJ's own hands had Nattie's right arm pinned behind her like an actual kimura where her elbow was touching the back of her head?

Confused as shit? So was I! All I know is that AJ's body formed half a swastika, and the hold looked incredibly painful for both of them. If I had the technology to do so, I'd do a screen cap and post it here, because it was amazing. And just like when saw Beth Phoenix force My Melina to kick herself in the back of the head, I have this sudden desire to watch Gail Kim face AJ since AJ is so bendy, Kim could apply every submission in the universe without actually hurting her. (Plus, I'm pretty sure we'd all enjoy seeing Kim and AJ tangled up in each other's bodies for ten minutes, but I figure that goes without saying.)

I seriously have underestimated AJ's abilities, and I wonder if they've made her hold back, or she has simply developed. During NXT3, I always thought Naomi was the most ring-capable, but AJ seems to be adding new moves to her repertoire every time she has a real match. Maybe it's AJ who is the true future of the women's division? Or am I overreacting from one kick-ass submission hold? Regardless, more AJ time is time well spent, and I hope we get to see more matches with her soon.

So Natalya and AJ held the move for a while—which also necessitated Natalya's left hand to be on AJ's ass—and Natalya fell to her knee. With nowhere to go and no way out, Natalya tapped out, presumably by spanking AJ repeatedly. Thus, this has become the match of the decade.

After the match, Kaitlyn, Khali, and Horny helped Nattie out of the ring. Nothing further happened, and the Bellas didn't even get up. Hell, they helped Cole go into the bump to lead into commercial.

Segment 18: Striker interviews Jericho, who is pissy. He says that what happened tonight was his own fault, because he's been playing around too much. But this was the last straw... no more dicking around with Fandango's name, no more score cards at ringside tables, no more dance-offs. He knows how to pronounce Fandango's name, but his name is Chris Jericho, and he's a goddamn six-time world champion! And: I didn't realize Jericho could do a good intense promo, but here we are.

Segment 19: Triple H hits the ring for our main event promo, but first, the cage comes down during his entrance, which I didn't even know was above the ring this whole time. Then, commercials, because FCC regulations.

Back, and Trips is in the ring with the cage fully surrounding it. Trips says that the secret of his success in WWE was hatred, and he learned to embrace the hate. And he never felt more at home than in the ring when it was surrounded by steel, steel that can break bones and rip flesh even. So since he's there, and the fans are here, and the steel is here, why not just have Brock come down and fight now?

Brock and Paul Heyman pop out from gorilla, and Heyman wants to talk, but Trips tells him to shut his pie hole. We all know who everyone is, so let's just get it on. But Heyman wants to talk anyway, and finds it apropro that Trips used the word “hate,” since Lesnar hates him too. And on Sunday, Brock will show Trips what “hate” is all about. And after he turns Trips into the “largest chunk of meat in WWE,” what Trips will hate is facing his whole family, since they'll be ashamed of him, and he'll be ashamed of himself. But while Brock is ready for a fight, he won't fight him until Sunday. Cue the music!

But Trips isn't having it, so he orders the Truck Monkeys to cut the music. Trips posits why Brock just won't face him like a man, and now he gets that it has nothing to do with Brock, but with Heyman. I thought he was going to go for a “Heyman wears the pants in the relationship and Lesnar is the bitch” route, but no, it's actually less stupid. See, Trips figures that Heyman knows Trips will win in the fight; and if that happens, Heyman is out of a job as manager. Heyman has only been protecting his own interests this whole time. And then Trips calls Brock a bitch, in the context of, “Are you going to come down and prove you're 'Brock, the baddest man on the planet,' or stay up there and prove you're 'Brock, the bitch'?” Good stuff.

Brock does indeed head down to the ring. Heyman and all the refs in the world beg him to stop, but Brock heads inside, and the brawl is on. And it's a pretty damn good brawl. Back-and-forth action, and after the third exchange, Heyman stands on the steps at the door for some stupid reason. It's a setup so Trips can throw Brock face-first into the door, which flies open, sending Heyman flying into the waiting arms of the refs, who all hit the mats.

Lesnar tumbles through the door and collapses at ringside. Trips stands on that corner and taunts for Brock, who looks pretty pissed. But as Brock gets to his feet, he opts against going back in for the fight.

Final Thoughts: And that's where it ends. Very solid third hour, though the first two were hit-and-miss, but were generally hit. I didn't feel any of the matches were overly entertaining, but nothing was bad. A very watchable episode, and a good one on which to pause my RAW recapping duties. Definitely worth a watch.

I've said everything I wanted to say in the body of the recap, so I'm going to wish you all a good week. I'll be back for the SmackDown recap this Saturday (the last one before we switch to a Sunday schedule starting next week), and Rick will have your Extreme Rules recap on Sunday night.

Episode Grade: B



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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