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RAW: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
WARNING: Falling Anvils!
January 22, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 
Today was the first time I’ve ever seen a Presidential inauguration in its entirety. I won’t bore you guys with political views here, don’t worry; I just wanted to mention that I never realized how much of a circus the whole event is.
 

I mean, I get it. Ceremony is important and yada yada. But I just didn’t realize the massive number of people who would show up, nor that they would book Kelly Clarkson and Beyoncé, in addition to two religious speakers and a freaking tabernacle choir. It was pretty cool to watch, and now I’ve added “Go to the National Mall” on my bucket list. Eh… not during another inauguration, though. I get a little spooked in crowds, and that was less of a crowd and more like a peaceful mob. But I’ve heard the famous reflection pool is pretty sweet, and I’ve never been to any historical sites yet, so… it sounds like a neat place to visit, as long as I hold on to my wallet.
 

Right now I can’t afford a vacation, but it doesn’t matter: visiting the National Mall would come later, and right now, it’s time for RAW! Let’s roll…

Segment 1: After a quickie video tribute to Martin Luther King Jr., we’ve got Vickie Guerrero shrieking her excuse me’s all the way to the ring. Strangely, she’s got Paul Heyman on her arm to accompany her to the ring. She’s got a “hot biker chick” look going on with all the skin-tight black leather, though of course she doesn’t look as good in it as, say, My Rosa would.

Anyway, Vickie hits the ring and blathers, followed by some Heyman blathering. Essentially, their purpose here is to insult the crap out of The Rock for insulting the both of them last week during his Rock Concert. Heyman is marginally upset about the situation, but he really feels bad for Vickie, since the things Rock said about her are so terrible that he wouldn’t repeat them… so instead he throws it to the Titantron for a replay to her dismay. Heh.

Vickie says that she’s so offended by the whole thing, that The Rock may be here tonight, but she’s banned him from her arena, and if she shows up, he’ll be arrested! A stagehand tells her that Rock is actually here in the parking lot! So she’s cool with this, and throws it to the Titantron so we can watch Rocky getting upset.

The Titantron indeed kicks it to the gate, where Rock stands with three cops in his way. He rages a bit, says Vickie probably looks like she “just swallowed some stink pickles,” then declares that there is no force on Earth that would stop him from getting to the ring. One of the cops points out that if he does that, they’ll have to arrest him.

Rock laughs and says there are others they should arrest first: CM Punk for pretending to be a champ, since he’s “like Manti Te’o, except instead of having an imaginary girlfriend, he’s got an imaginary nut sack.” Double nonsensical burn? Then Rock thinks a second cop should arrest Heyman for “not wearing a bra in public.” Rock tops it off with the third cop, suggesting he arrest Vickie herself, and— Wait, no, just ask her what her intestines look like, because if she thinks Rock won’t actually get in the ring, then Vickie has her head shoved straight up her ass.

Rock turns all serious and tries to tell the cops that, hey, they’ve never met; but there ain’t no way, AND THE ROCK MEANS NO WAY, that Rock will get to the ring. It’s not a question of “if,” but “when” he gets there.

Cute, but Vickie isn’t buying it. She’s sure that tonight, if Rock sings anything tonight, it’ll be “Jailhouse Rock.” She tops it off with “If ya smell what the Vick is cooking,” which can’t make Rock any happier.

Cut Scene: We have a neat Beat the Clock challenge tonight. After a series of matches, whoever wins their match the fastest will get to pick their own number for the Royal Rumble. I really like it when they do matches with Royal Rumble implications; last year they didn’t do too many. Or maybe they didn’t do any. Of course, this being the last RAW before the Royal Rumble, they’re clearly not doing many this year either. [Ed. Note: I like the qualifying/ordering matches, too, but from the second they said "gets to pick his number" instead of "gets number 30," I knew shennanigans were afoot and that the matches were essentially meaningless. That was one well-telegraphed anvil. Way to be, Writer Monkeys.]

Segment 2 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock Challenge]: Randy Orton defeats Antonio Cesaro by pin in 11:36. Decent match, nothing special. Taken in context, it was actually pretty stupid.

Quick pin attempts to start off, but both guys kicked out, so then it went punchy-kicky. Orton forgot the rules after two minutes and started a modified Garvin Stomp, but once Cesaro slapped him, it seemed he remember what was going on.

Still, Orton maintained momentum from there, though he slowed it down again, mostly because of needing a commercial break. After that, Cesaro had the momentum, but he too was treating this like a “normal” match, including stealing a page from Orton’s own playbook and slapping on a few chinlocks. After the last of them, Orton started his Five Moves of Doom, but he too was more concerned about taunting and licking his lips and doing other Orton things than, you know, trying to win quickly. Dumbass.

Orton’s Hangman DDT was cut short by Cesaro’s defense. Cesaro applied his vertical toss European uppercut but couldn’t close the deal, then started more chinlocks and headlocks, because screw logic here. He finally flung Orton shoulder-first into the barricade, but that made Orton fly out of the ring. Cesaro threw him back in, glanced at the clock on the Titantron, and immediately ate an RKO out of nowhere. Moron. Orton sets the pace, but there is no chance that’s going to stay around.

Segment 3: A replay of the Mick Foley video montage because of his Hall of Fame induction.

Segment 4: We get a pre-taped montage of The Shield putting themselves over, along with some footage of their attacks on various wrestlers.

Pre-Segment 5: Big Show hits the ring for a match. We’re told by the commentators that he asked for, and was given, his rematch against Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title on Sunday to be another Last Man Standing match. Interesting.

Oh, and Brad Maddox arrives out of nowhere to join the commentators. Huh.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Big Show squashes Zack Ryder by pin. Maddox spent the match by putting himself over, then running away. That was cute.

Post-Segment 5: Show calls for a mic and says that he’s here to give us all a preview of what’s going to happen with ADR. He puts one of those giant boots on Zack’s chest, then starts counting. At two, he starts getting What-ed, louder and louder. At five, he screams his aggravation at the audacity of the fans to What him. He asks if we think he’s playing, to which the fans reply “What?” Big Show just flips the mic and walks off.

That’s awesome. Clearly if the fans hadn’t said anything or just booed, Show would have just counted to ten, said some shit, and left. I wonder if he actually planned on the fans doing that and had this as a backup plan, or if he improvised. Either way, awesome stuff; ever since he’s turned heel, I just love the way Show plays with the fans and brings them into his promos.

Segment 6: After commercials, Heyman is in the back and on the phone. Maddox arrives (with his cameraman) and says, once again, that Heyman is super awesome and that he’ll totally do anything possible to be famous and in WWE. Heyman does a 180: he says he admires the kid’s tenacity, so fine: he can be Heyman’s protégé (or something). Heyman and Maddox shake hands, Maddox says “Thank you” about a dozen times, and he runs off. Heyman gets back to his phone call with a bit of a scowl.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Heath Slater (w/ 3MB) by pin. 3MB tried interfering, but Ryback dispatched them. Despite that usually drawing a DQ, the ref let it go, and Ryback hit Slater with the Shellshock easily enough.

Post-Segment 7: Ryback grabs a mic and says it’s fun to beat people up, then says that he was totally made for the Royal Rumble. He’ll thrive with it, and he’ll win it, and he’ll main event WrestleMania. Feed him more.

I have respect for Ryback after that killer TLC match with Punk, but I’m still annoyed by his gimmick. That said, he’s got a point with the Rumble: he can kick some ass, and then rest while others take center stage while he catches his breath. Interesting.

Segment 8: Rock is still trying to talk the cops into letting him through. He reminds that the cops don’t “protect and serve” Vickie Guerrero; they’re here to protect and serve the people! And the people paid their hard-earned cash to see The Rock now! And if they listen close, they’ll hear the 15,000 people chanting The Rock’s name!

One cop brings up that he actually had a ticket for the night, and that his wife and kid are in the audience. Rock jumps on that and tries to convince him further that wouldn’t his wife and kid love to see him?

But then Vickie arrives and demands for Rock to be arrested for causing a disturbance. Vickie says she was assured by the cops’ superior that they have to follow her orders! She lets it go for a moment though to address Rock himself, saying that Punk will be on next while Rock stews about out here… but she’ll lift the ban on him immediately if he just apologizes to her for the Rock Concert.

Here’s the thing, according to Rock: he’s going to get to the ring sometime on his terms, not hers. And second: “Beeyotch, you still look horrible tonight!”

Vickie squeals and runs away. Rock then gathers the cops in a partial huddle and reminds them, again, that they protect and serve the people, and that he’s got an idea to get in. Uh oh.

Segment 9: As promised, here comes CM Punk with Paul Heyman. Punk opens by saying that the title he holds, he holds more dear to him than most families mean to most people. He’s been the man for 428 days, but that’s a sliver of his life… he’s worked half his entire life for it, and he won’t allow anyone, especially The Rock, to take it from him.

Punk says that Rock is here to entertain and electrify, to sing songs and tell jokes. Punk is here to hurt people and be champion. He won’t allow Rock to leave Royal Rumble as WWE Champion because the title is important; it’s important and prestigious because he’s made it important and prestigious. While to Rock, what’s important to him is the least necessary thing of all: us, the fans. The Rock is proud of being the People’s Champion almost as proud Punk is of being a real champion.

Punk has seen all the way down into Rock’s soul, and he sees why being the “People’s Champion” is so important to him: because deep down, Rock knows he can’t be the WWE Champion, period.

Punk says that a long time ago, he had to choose between hypocritical humility and honest arrogance, and Punk chose honest arrogance, while “The Rock foolishly chose all of you.” Punk has no problem with the fans calling him “electrifying,” or “the Brahma Bull,” or “the Great One,” but we can’t call him champion. Because you only earn the right to be called champion through blood and sweat, which is what Punk has done for the last 428 days.

Punk tells Rock to enjoy the people, the chants, the signs for the next six days. He wants Rock to wink at “every hopeful look your sheep-like fans give you” because Punk has long realized that the people do not matter; the title is all that matters. On Sunday, it won’t matter whether he smells what The Rock is cooking; what will matter is that the title will remain around the waist of the undisputed champion, CM Punk.

Finish with him holding the title over his head, and that was a very good promo. I still like a face Punk better, but speeches like that completely shatter traditional alignments. Very awesome, it’s a must-listen.

Segment 10 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock Challenge]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ & Big E Langston) defeats The Miz by pin in 10:56. Solid match, one with more urgency than the opener. Definitely worth a watch, but don’t expect a PPV-worthy effort.

Unlike with Orton/Cesaro, both guys understood what was going on here, so we stared off with about 90 seconds of solid chain wrestling with a several pin positions. Miz acted like he didn’t want to slow down, but decided he needed to, and you could almost see frustration as he transitioned to submissions and rest holds. It worked well.

Especially because Miz didn’t screw around with it long. The holds were all leg-targeted, and he went for the Figure Four. Dolph countered out by basically flinging Miz through the ropes. He then distracted the ref, letting Big E Langston floor Miz. Dolph tossed him back in the ring and went for a pin, but failed. Still, he had momentum as we entered the commercial break. The stupid, stupid commercial break.

Back from commercial and it seemed that the guys had just got done exchanging some rapid-fire pun attempts. Miz took advantage after a few seconds, and he had a bit of fire in his pace as he went for the Skull Crushing Finale.

From there it was… well, does it count as “chain wrestling” if they’re exchanging big moves? Either way, DDT this, flying clothesline that, dropkicks, reverse DDTs, countered and recountered finishers, it was all very cool. Finally with 90 seconds left, Miz slapped on the Figure Four. He can’t survive it that long!

…Except then AJ distracted the ref, and Langston dragged Dolph over to the ropes so he could grab it. The ref broke the hold. Miz continued the attack, but stupidly just kept screaming at Langston instead of, you know, not taking his eyes off Dolph. Dolph hit him with a Zig Zag, made the pin, and that was that. [Ed. Note: mark it down, the first halfway decent Babyface Miz match! Actually, it was better than halfway decent, it was really, really good.]

Segment 11: It’s time for an “Anger Management graduation.” So, this should be… fun.

Dr. Shelby is in the ring, which is carpeted in black and has a couple graduation caps and diplomas on a table there. Shelby makes an appropriately boring introduction as he introduces Team Friendship, who come out presently. The guys hit the ring in modified graduation robes, since they’re wearing pants rather than the actual robe, but whatever.

Shelby first talks up how far they’ve come. When they first met, Kane was a “maniacal, mask-wearing, monster who preferred hurting to hugging.” Kane gives a grin and nods to that. Shelby continues that DB was a “tightly wound little man-child who would snap if anyone said anything about your goat face, or that your beard looks like a hotel for rats.” DB starts to get agitated, but Kane calms him down with some whispered words.

Shelby hands over the diplomas and graduation caps, moves the tassels, and goes back to the podium. He says that with most graduation ceremonies, the valedictorian makes a speech. But since he doesn’t give grades, he asks them to decide which of them should be the valedictorian so we can hear them talk about their feelings.

Kane and DB argue that the other is the valedictorian, until Shelby freaks out and asks if DB would feel better with a hug. This draws a fairly strong “Doctor Shelby!” chant. Both DB and Kane are on board with hugs, and Shelby posits that everyone should hug right now all at the same time! Kane volunteers Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler to hug to get things started. They resist, but Cole is down for it, so they do. DB wants to get in on this, so he makes Justin Roberts and Dr. Sampson at ringside to hug.

Then they start calling on people in the front row to start hugging it out, including a bunch of fat guys into a triple hug. Team Friendship is way into it and are super-amped to get the whole world hugging… which surprisingly works a little too well. I’ve got no one here to play along with, so I’m choosing to hug my root beer bottle.

And… that’s it? No shoe dropping? No run-in? Huh, okay. I hope that doesn’t mean this is the end of Dr. Shelby.

Pre-Segment 12: Alicia Fox has added a new sexy little move during her entrance, as she takes off the weird fox-thing hoodie and whips it over her head while gyrating her hips like she’s got an invisible hula hoop. Pretty hot.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Alicia Fox by pin. Decent match for the divas, nothing special. Kaitlyn had the early offense, Alicia came back and dominated, then Kaitlyn dodged an axe kick and countered with a Spear. It wasn’t nearly as rough as her previous Spears; I wonder if that was a specific order for her to tone it down, or if it just simply didn’t have the punch it normally has. [Ed. Note: or Alicia just sucks and didn't sell it as well as others have.]

Segment 13: Punk and Heyman are walking through the back halls. Heyman invites Punk to hang out in the skybox because he (Paul) is going back out to the ring and has something to personally say to The Rock. It’ll be a pipe bomb, or better put a “Paul bomb,” and it’ll totally be dedicated to Punk. Punk himself looks more confused than appreciative, but we’re going to commercial before we know how this shakes out.

Segment 14: As we come from commercial, Heyman has a mic in the ring. He says that we fans think it’s a foregone conclusion Rock will win on Sunday, but Heyman assures us that he won’t. See, Vince McMahon is a “tyrant” who wants to see Punk unseated as champion regardless of who does it. It’s just that this month’s “flavor of the month” is Rock.

So while Rock may be concerned with Heyman’s allegedly small penis or lack of a brain, but that’s fine; the more Rock is insulting Heyman, the less he’s paying attention to Punk. And we all know Punk is the most dominating champion in “the last 25 years,” so that just increases Punk’s chances.

(Aside: Was that “25 years” thing an attempt to get back on the good side of Superstar Billy Graham and/or Bruno Samartino after Punk’s promo a few weeks ago? Given that Punk’s whole shtick has been that he’s “the best ever,” I find the sudden inclusion of “25 years” a little suspect.) [Ed. Note: he has the longest reign of the past 25 years, as 1988 is when Hogan's 4 year reign ended. His claim of being the best ever is an entirely separate thing.]

Heyman then declares that The Rock, just like the people, is S-T-U-P-I-D. And for that, we hear “IF YA SMELLLLL…”

Rock pops out from the back… and displays that he took the cop’s ticket. Hopefully Rock didn’t actually pay for it, else the cop would have to arrest himself for scalping. (Also, I can’t help but notice Cole basically said “With a ticket, he has to be allowed in the building!,” an idea that I’m sure that My Melina would have liked two years ago.)

Rock grabs a mic as he paces around the ring. Heyman tries to insist that the ticket doesn’t mean he can be in the ring, but Rock just tells “Twinkie Tits” to get out the ring or get the taste slapped out of his mouth. Heyman is offended, but he leaves peacefully.

Rock faces Punk in the skybox and actually puts Punk over; he has earned the right to call himself the best in the world! But that doesn’t change the fact that this is Punk’s last RAW as champion, because Rock will win on Sunday.

Rock says that Punk is obsessed with this idea that Rock just wants to be the people’s champ and wants to entertain, and Rock is fine with all that. However, once you strip it away, you’re left with “a man who will stand with you in the very center of this ring and rip your face off!” Nice line! It’s cool hearing just a straight threat from a dude who usually can’t make one without a complex (and occasionally nonsensical) metaphor.

Rock says that he’s busted ass for a full decade for this shot at the title; blood, sweat, and respect—he’s given the first two and earned the third. And just like MLK “had a dream,” Rock’s dream is to go to the mountain top one more time as WWE Champion. If Punk had really seen into Rock’s soul, he would have known for sure that Rock would promise to beat Punk for the title. And once that happens, every person in the world will say “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty we are free at last!,” if we smell what The Rock is cooking! Cue the music!

Very solid promo, very direct, good stuff, and—

Wait, lights go off. Undertaker?

Nope, it’s The Shield again. Like all the others before him, Rock simply can’t handle the numbers, and this close to the Royal Rumble, this isn’t good for Rock’s body. And Rock eats a triple powerbomb, and is knocked out in the center of the ring.

The Shield collectively do their manly grunts and grumbles, then they leave. Punk then grabs a mic from his skybox and starts off by randomly attacking Rock’s one-liners, like Punk doesn’t quite know where he wants to go and just shotguns words. He says that at that “mountain top” is one person. Then that as far as “free at last” goes, there’s a price for freedom. Then that the “funny thing about dreams” is that you have wake up from them some time.

Punk settles on the third one to continue from, that when Rock “wakes up” from his current dream, he (Rock) will realize that the Great One just wasn’t great enough to beat the best in the world. Cut back to Rock in time to see a long line of drool and blood from a cut upper lip. Very poetic visual.

Punk stands in his skybox while posing with the title, and we cut back to Rock struggling for breath and spitting blood. Very, very awesome visual.

Segment 15 [Singles Match, Beat the Clock Challenge]: Sheamus draws with Wade Barrett by time draw. This is the final BtC match, so both guys know their target time. Unlike the previous ones, Barrett and Sheamus love fighting, so there is no chain wrestling or quick falls here. Instead, it’s power-versus-power as they fight, and fight, and fight, and struggle. It’s punchy-kicky without much of an advantage to either guy until two minutes in, when Barrett clotheslines Sheamus over the top rope. Sheamus seems pretty stunned, and we go to commercial.

Barrett still has the momentum as we come back, and Barrett goes all suplex-happy. After a few failed pins from that, Barrett slaps on an arm bar. Sheamus starts to counter out, but his hope spot is cut short within a few seconds.

Sheamus starts to get momentum back and hits the 10 of Clubs despite the time limit, but the move is powerful, and followed up by a suplex. The follow-up pin only gets a two, however.

From there it’s back-and-forth as Sheamus whiffs on his signatures and finishers, and Barrett connects with a sweet sidekick. It wasn’t enough to put him away, but it sounded pretty intense. However, even with an elbow drop off the second rope, Wade couldn’t put Sheamus away.

Now we’re under two minutes left, so both guys need they need to bring their full power. Barrett wanted the Wasteland, but Sheamus countered out and delivered White Noise… but then didn’t go for a pin for some stupid reason. As Barrett got up, Sheamus readied the Brogue Kick.

But then AJ came down and slid in the ring as Langston and Dolph surrounded it. No one did anything, but it was enough of a distraction for Sheamus to cancel his attack. Barrett hit the “Winds of Change” side slam, but couldn’t make the pin. Both guys stand, Sheamus cleanly hits the Brogue Kick… but then the time expires. Dolph gets to choose his number for the Rumble!

Sheamus is not happy and stares holes through Dolph. Dolph may get to pick his number, but I’ll bet Sheamus will be looking for him during the match on Sunday.

Segment 16: After commercials, AJ and Dolph are celebrating in the back… directly in front of Vickie Guerrero. They even explore each other’s medulla oblongatas, and Dolph has the audacity to sing “You look beautiful tonight” to AJ. Vickie is not amused.

But Vickie pulls a fantastic bait-and-switch here: “I didn’t say you’d get to choose any number. The numbers you get to choose from are number 1, or number 2.” Ha! Okay, so I go back to my original point that I wish they had done more number matches, or whatever, but this was still pretty funny. AJ is so upset that she just mutters “I will enter…” and then just rages silently. I have several terrible jokes I can say in response to that, but I’ll spare you. [Ed. Note: respectfully disagree, here. This was nothing but the anvil falling. In the absence of any possibility of a rational human being picking a number other than 30, the phrasing of the BtC Prize telegraphed that something stupid was coming, and the BtC matches were basically pointless. I spent the whole show with my panties pre-bunched, because of this, and seeing the inevitable punchline didn't un-bunch them.]

Segment 17: Punk and Heyman are walking through the halls, and they run into Vince McMahon himself. Punk’s immediate reaction is “Oh, god…” and a facepalm. Punk meanwhile gives a shit-eating grin.

Vince asks if they think they’re clever. Punk, not giving a shit that it was a rhetorical question, says that Paul is totally clever. Paul assures Vince that they had nothing to do with The Shield attacking Rock, “but I am clever, sure.”

Vince isn’t amused, so he declares that if they’re so clever that they somehow convince The Shield to get involved in the Rock/Punk title match on Sunday, Vince will be “clever enough to give some severe consequences.”

Punk and Vince start screaming at each other, so Heyman calls for cooler heads. Heyman points out that The Shield has attacked a billion wrestlers already, so he whines that Punk deserves the benefit of the doubt! Then Vince… uh… misspeaks somewhere, but he implies that if Shield interferes with the match, then Punk will be stripped of the title.

Vince walks off, and Punk stands there angry. Paul just casually says “I warned you about him.” Heh.

Hopefully after commercial we’ll get a clarification. I’m not sure if Vince meant that only The Shield’s interference would cost Punk the title, or if any interference would.

Pre-Segment 18: Okay, Cole clarifies that if The Shield interferes, then Punk is stripped. But let’s not forget about Brad Maddox after all… I’ll bet he’ll interfere.

After that, Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who gets a ridiculous pop himself. Pretty cool.

Segment 18 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio defeats Tensai by pin. Short but decent match. No “feeling out” sequence here. Tensai gets all the advantage and even delivers two Vader Bombs. However, it isn’t long before ADR gets some offense, and even hits a sweet German Suplex, which cannot be good for the guy’s back. Tensai stumbles to the corner, and ADR hits him with his step-up enziguri. ADR follows up with a moonsault, and that’s it.

Post-Segment 18: ADR grabs a mic and calls out Big Show, assuring him that ADR will be the one doing the counting to ten during their match at Royal Rumble, and it’ll totally be in Spanish. And he leads the crowd to do so.

Segment 19: The second inductee to the Hall of Fame this year is Bob Backlund. I swore he was already in it, but this is kinda cool. I know he was a big deal, though he peaked long before I got into wrestling hard back around WrestleMania 9.

Segment 20: We’ve gone three hours without an appearance from John Cena, and we know that couldn’t last. He hits the ring to “address the fans.” This’ll be interesting… I hope.

Seems to be a pro-Cena crowd as Cena says “That’s the way to San Jose!” during his entrance, referring to the ramp to the ring. Alrighty then. Cena hits the ring and grabs a mic presently… and then it’s a solid wall of boos, so never mind what I said earlier this paragraph.

Cena’s theme here seems to be about Sunday, where most of us have the day off to rest and recuperate. He plays with the crowd, picking a few people in the crowd to talk about random things to do on Sundays. This goes on for a good three or four minutes, and it’s funny, but would be stupid to transcribe.

Cena’s point is that the Sunday routine will be disrupted this Sunday, since everyone in the universe will be watching Royal Rumble, since there’s so much at stake. He hypes it, and he says that everyone’s normal Sunday plans will be canceled as we all watch Royal Rumble, and Cena himself will win the Royal Rumble! Cue the music!

…Except here comes Sheamus instead, who insists that the winner of the Rumble will be him, just like last year.

And now it’s the Prime Time Players who come down and declare that one of them will win the—I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD.

…Okay, hi Orton. It seems he’s going to win the Rumble. AWESOME!!! …Because here’s Miz to “Really?” himself into winning the Rumble.

This goes on as Team Friendship, who have to recite their lines twice because their mics weren’t hooked into the speakers, but were fed into the TV signal. Heh. Then comes Antonio Cesaro, then comes 3MB, who also have mic issues. To be honest, I didn’t realize there were so many mics, since literally everyone thus far has had one. No wonder the Truck Monkeys are confused.

But then basically everyone on the roster come from the back. Everyone is in the ring, and I didn’t notice who threw the first punch, and we basically start an unofficial impromptu battle royal. The group slightly thins out, but not by much, when we fade out to black.

Final Thoughts: Solid episode as a lead-in to Sunday, which I’ve budgeted for, and will be doing the recap for. I’ve given enough commentary here, so the only thing I can do now is to encourage you to check out our Royal Rumble recap this Sunday. And if you’re feeling up to it, the SmackDown recap this weekend as well!

And if you’re watching the Royal Rumble with friends, be sure to check out later this week, when Rick will post the rules to The Rick’s OOffical Royal Rumble Game! This will likely be the first PPV I’ve watched alone in the past few years, but hey: I’ll be too worried about the recap anyway to play!

So, I’ll see you (twice) this weekend. Stay safe, everyone.

Episode Grade: B+

 
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BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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