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December 18, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube


If WWE has decided that this is going to be “WWE Week,” then it shall be so for Online Onslaught as well. This is the first of three consecutive recaps that shall grace your eyes, monitors, and the loins of your sister. I’m PyroFalkon, as you all should know damn well by now, and this is going to be fun. Or totally fucking exhausting, I’m not sure which. But it’s going to be a shit-ton of writing practice for me as I pad my resume.

I figure I’ll get this out of the way now: This week, I’m going to be appearing once again on the bestest Internet radio show ever, Pure Gold. It’s free, and you can tune in from anywhere just by going to this site. I have no clue what we’re going to talk about, but my soothing voice and non-profanity will make you and your sister excited. Tune it at 6pm Eastern this Wednesday night (that’s December 19) to invite the Pure Gold hosts and me into your home.

Also, just in case you didn’t notice the change to my byline, I’ve politely requested Rick to change the link from my blog (where I haven’t written since September) to my Twitter account. You can follow me there by adding @PyroFalkon, where I’ve been becoming more active lately. There’s a bit of a Secret Project that I’ve got going on that will hopefully come to fruition soon, and you’ll find out all about it there. No promises or deadlines, but hey: you’ll get updates on all the other stuff I create too, in case any of those float your fancy.

Other than that, sit back and relax as we get to the Slammy-themed RAW. Being the post-TLC episode, I will as always assume you read Rick’s recap of the event or at least know what went down, so don’t complain about reading spoilers. Let’s roll…

Pre-Segment 1: No opening theme or pyro, but we’re greeted to slideshows of what happened last night at TLC. Also, apparently JBL has joined Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole on commentary for some reason. Our first Slammy Award will happen after our opening match. Someone forgot half of Rey Mysterio’s pyros, which made for a weird entrance.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio (w/ Sin Cara) defeats Damien Sandow (w/ Cody Rhodes) by pin. Meh. Match was standard formula with an extended heel beatdown sequence. Then Rey basically did three moves, including the 619 and Dime Drop, to pull a win out of his ass. No interference, no high spots, a little below-average for an opening match, I thought.

Segment 2: This is “RAW: All You Need to Know,” so I’m not dicking around with over-describing the Slammy segments. Booker T hits the stage to present the “Tell Me I Didn’t Just See That Award for the Most Shocking Moment of the Year,” which I’m surprised fits on the trophy plaque. Books tells everyone to download the retarded WWE app right now, to which the crowd smartly boos the shit out of Books for. They also need to boo the shit out of WWE for that choice of retarded music for the sequence.

So from there, the Boogeyman comes out. Yes, the Boogeyman. This guy. He smashes a clock over his head, pulls out some worms, and we go to commercial to give idiots time to vote. Clearly compelling television here.

Segment 3: Back from commercial, Boogeyman is gone, and Booker T wants us to tell him he didn’t just say that. Stupid… so so stupid.

Booker starts up with “And the winner is…,” prompting Brad Maddox to pop out (since he’s nominated after fisting Ryback’s man-zone). But the unexpected winner here is Kofi Kingston for his walking handstand save during the 2012 Royal Rumble. Kofi says some generic blathering, everyone cheers, nothing else happens.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Eve by pin. Ridiculously short, which I’m wagering is the theme of tonight, given (a) Slammys and (b) holidays. But whatever.

This one was entertaining for what it was, mostly because of how cat-fighty it was. Hair-pulling, tackling, rolling around in the whipped cream in my mind… basically all the aggression with none of the blood or actual danger. Except it was over entirely too soon.

The match ended with a pretty sweet spot. Eve was sitting on the top rope and pulling Kaitlyn’s hair for the twentieth time, when Kaitlyn finally slipped out. Using Eve’s position against her, Kaitlyn picked her up in basically the FU position, carried her away from the ropes, then hits her standing Fireman’s carry-to-gutbuster combo that has become her finisher. Nice job, and it gets the win.

Kaitlyn apparently hasn’t named it yet. Since she insists on calling herself the “Hybrid Diva of WWE,” how about the “Hybrid Drop”? If we don’t call it that, I’m afraid I’m going to go with something entirely senseless and inappropriate, like the “Ovary Reorganizer.”

After the match, Kaitlyn posed over Eve’s corpse with the Diva’s title… then posed for the ringside photographer after draping the belt on Eve like a blanket. Hot, and mean (in context).

Segment 5: Oh, you didn’t know? You better call someone and have them tell you that the New Age Outlaws are here to give out the Slammy for “Comeback of the Year.” As Road Dogg runs through his usual and classic introduction, Billy Gunn does Broad Gesturing from the stage that gives off the impression that he’s trying to just improvise sign language and failing hard.

RD has no problem saying “ass” this time around, then turns the podium mic over to BABG, who says he’s totally got this part… then proceeds to read the nominations off his hand. Heh, cute.

Jerry Lawler is among the nominations. Is this any contest?

Segment 6: Nope, it’s Jerry who wins. He leaves the table and hauls ass up ramp. No seriously, he jogged around the ring and up the ramp. After the heart attack? Yeah, that’s pretty damn impressive. He even jokes on the stage that he totally shouldn’t run like that since he’ll have another one. He thanks everyone, says it’s great to be back, and heads back down to the ring.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston reverse-squashes Tensai by pin. Tensai had offense for about thirty seconds, then a Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere ended it. Lame.

Post-Segment 7: After the match, Wade Barrett came down and beat the crap out of Kofi outside the ring. It was short but brutal, with the final combo being shoving the back of Kofi’s head into the ring post, then following up with the Bullhammer Elbow.

Segment 8: Vickie Guerrero is here to present the Slammy for “Kiss of the Year,” all of which involve AJ. I was going to call this retarded, but actually, I realized upon reflection that it’s pretty smart: it shows off AJ being a PG-rated slut, which helps reinforce her new (kinda) heel turn.

Segment 9: Back from commercial, Vickie talks shit about AJ and says she so totally wouldn’t abuse her power by Frenching one of her employees. But AJ does, and she wins for her kiss on John Cena.

AJ skips out of gorilla, but Vickie says that before she gets her trophy, she needs to explain why she tipped Cena off the ladder. Vickie hands over the trophy anyway, and AJ says she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, then goes ahead and gives it anyway. AJ cuts a generic heel promo that she cared about what people thought of her, but not anymore, and she especially doesn’t care what the fans think. Conspiracy theorists can point out that that’s pretty much exactly what CM Punk said when he turned heel this year, and that that might be a subtle bit of foreshadowing that means they’ll be together. Maybe she is putting The Shield and Brad Maddox up to helping Punk? OMG THE DRAMA!!!

…Or it’s just lazy writing.

Anyway, Vickie gets in her face and calls her trash, AJ basically says “Nuh-uh, you are,” and then Dolph Ziggler arrives to break up the non-catfight. AJ then Frenches Dolph and locks her legs around his hips, as she did with… uh… pretty much everyone.

Dolph kisses back, Vickie screams and leaves, and AJ eventually skips away. Dolph looks confused, but not unhappy.

And then another commercial. Awesome.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Natalya) reverse-squashes David Otunga by pin. Whatever. The best part was Natalya’s gorgeous, sparkling black dress. But why the hell wear gray high-heeled shoes? That just clashes, girl.

Segment 11: The next presenter is… Ric Flair? Wait, just his voice. That was weird. All we hear is “This is for the Superstar of the Year Award,” and then a video montage of the nominees. The hell? The fans didn’t seem to care either. I don’t get it.

Segment 12: Oh wait, now Ric Flair really is in the arena (except with half his hairline gone) and gets all the cheers he meant to. Was the voice-over thing just a mistake?

Blathering and cheap pops ensue, and John Cena is named Superstar of the Year. He hits stage to mostly boos, looking somehow both pissed and amused at the same time with the mixed reaction. He finally tries to give us an “emotional” speech that culminates in him saying that it’s really Flair who is Superstar of the Year, now that he’s back where he belongs. Cena gives him the trophy and leaves. Whatever.

The fans buy it even as Flair starts to talk… and then CM Punk’s music fires up, and the crowd goes apeshit. It seems to be mostly cheers, but it gives way to boos as Punk gets to the mic for some reason. Punk says the award is a joke, Flair is a joke, and Cena is a joke. Hell, Punk runs down the anti-resume of Cena for this calendar, and finally calls him a loser, just like Flair.

Punk even goes on that he would hear Shawn Michaels blather about how he (Shawn) just wanted to “grow up to be Ric Flair.” But Punk never wanted to be anyone but himself! And if Punk was the Superstar of the Year last year (which he was), then he’s Superstar of the Year again since he’s totally still WWE Champion and has been for nearly 400 days at this point.

Flair makes some generic threats and implies that Paul Heyman (who is out there as well) is “baggage.” At least, I think that’s what he’s saying, but it’s hard to understand Flair sometimes, you know? Flair summarizes that he may not have been in WWE for the last year, but he watched. Punk ignores that and says he could totally kick Flair’s ass, even with one leg.

Flair says some stupid shit, and Punk repeats his punch line, since evidently Flair went more off-script than Kanye West. (That joke isn’t dated, is it?) Flair finally decides to hell with this: he wants that match to happen now! So Flair pulls off his suit jacket and throws it in Punk’s face, then heads down to the ring. Punk is all offended, then goes ahead and hobbles his way down the ramp with the help of crutches.

Then we go to commercial again. Joy.

Segment 13: No ref here, so once everyone is in the ring, Punk just beats the shit out of him with a crutch. Punk then somehow does a Ric Flair strut on one leg, which probably should be physically impossible, but Punk makes it work, and even adds the “run my fingers through my slicked hair and flick the grease away” taunt that Dolph Ziggler totally stole.

But then Flair is to his feet, and puts a “thumb to the eye” of Punk, except that doesn’t happen at all, and instead Punk just hits the ground and rolls around while selling like fourteen wasps stung his retinas. Then Flair takes Heyman down and slaps on the Figure Four, because why not, and the crowd loves it.

Flair’s music plays, but he’s not done. He pulls up the mic and says he just wanted to have a good time, damnit! He adds that he loves Jerry Lawler, and that if he (Flair) is going to die, he wants to die in Philadelphia, i.e. more cheap pops.

Flair wants to go on, but up starts a song that seems to start with incomprehensible blathering into a megaphone. Is that… yep, it’s The Shield! They appear from the top row, and Flair stupidly taunts them, and…

Really? Another commercial break? WWE isn’t even trying at this point, are they? Do they have some outstanding bills or something?

Segment 14: A fight is already underway as we come back from commercial. Team Friendship came down to try to help out, but Dean Ambrose quickly put Flair down, then helped his buddies take care of the tag champs.

Then Ryback arrived and kicked everyone’s asses. The faces took back momentum, and all was right with the wrestling world. Ryback and Team Friendship put Flair up on their shoulders and paraded around with him, hooray!

…And then another commercial break.

Segment 15: Once we’re back, Flair, Daniel Bryan, and Kane are in the back. They blather, then start in with either “Yes!” (Kane), “No!” (DB), or “Woo!” over and over and over and over and over. I’m pretty sure just watching the scene somehow violates the Geneva Conventions, and I really do think I’m starting to go completely insane.

Oh, here’s Ron Simmons. Thankfully, he only says his catchphrase once.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Funkadactyls) squashes JTG by pin. Whatever.

Segment 17: So, the next presenters are Santino Marella and Tensai. Santino comes out normally, but then Tensai sort of falls out of gorilla, which reminded me of the Shockmaster’s famous introduction. Tensai also now features a giant ice pack on his head wrapped with a metric ton of bandages. So… are they changing his gimmick to a bumbling doofus? Because I’m pretty sure that absolutely no one is going to get on board with that. Let’s just hope it’s a one-off oversell of Kofi’s earlier Trouble in Paradise kick.

Tensai acts like a concussed idiot, and… oh, I see, this is because they’re doing a “Ha Ha Moment of the Year” award. And Santino intentionally calls him “Albert,” which pretty much officially kills the entire Tensai gimmick, if it wasn’t dead already. God, I hope they aren’t seriously going to make him a bumbling oaf.

Oh wait, the official award name is the “LOL of the Year Award.” I just felt my intelligence drop several dozen points.

Segment 18: The winner is The Rock cutting a promo against John Cena. The crowd cheers… but then Santino says that Rock isn’t here to accept it, and Santino gets booed out of the building. Santino shrugs and says that he totally didn’t have anything to do with that. Nice!

Anyway, Santino says that’s fine, he’s going to keep the award anyway on behalf of The Rock, so there. So he leaves… to Sin Cara’s music, because one of the Truck Monkeys double-clicked the wrong file in the list. Heh. Was it irony or intentional that one of the few times they fucked up the music cue was for the “[retarded messenger speak] Moment of the Year?”

We won’t ever know, because here comes Daniel Bryan, all pissed off that he didn’t win the award for his anger management sessions. Kane comes out, tries to reason with him, but gives up and literally just carries him away.

Oh wait, that’s why Sin Cara’s music played… because he’s in the ring for the match. Huh, that would have been good to know.

Segment 19 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes (w/ Damien Sandow) defeats Sin Cara (w/ Rey Mysterio) by pin. Apparently Cody Rhodes missed the memo that tonight’s matches were all supposed to be two minutes long and suck worse than a pornstar with bleeding gums.

This wasn’t a great match or anything, but it was slightly above-average and was, like the divas’ match, a little different. It was pretty aggressive on both sides, more brawl-heavy than you’re used to seeing from either side. There was a bit of reason here, as Cara was still selling getting his leg obliterated last night at TLC, so he couldn’t quite fly like he usually does.

The match ended when Cara got a hope rally, but was cut short when Cody reversed his wacky victory roll into the Cross Rhodes. Another win for the mustache!

Segment 20: Here comes Zack Ryder and Layla (for some reason) to present the next award. Goddamn, does Layla look good in that dress and with that hairstyle. Very classy and sexy at the same time, which isn’t the easiest combination to pull off.

Sadly, this award is much less classy and pretty much the opposite of sexy: it’s the “#trending now Award,” which is apparently pronounced “Trending Now Hash Tag of the Year Award,” despite that being wrong on multiple levels. Hey, I may not say a lot on my Twitter account, but I know that you say the phrase “hash tag” before whatever the hash tag is.

Segment 21: The winner is #feedmemore, which sucks. Even Zack isn’t impressed (especially since #WWWYKI was a nominee), but he goes ahead and heads to the back to give the trophy to Ryback. I guess his cardio prevents him from coming out of gorilla more than once per hour.

Segment 22: Here comes Big Show with his title on his shoulder and his Big Show Chair in his other hand. That thing is absolutely ridiculous, and absolutely hilarious too.

[Aside: I believe Rick is right, that a fresh chair imparts more damage than a used chair due to a loss of material, sort of like a sword losing its edge after it’s been used to stab some dudes. Why does that make sense with a chair that’s only been used a couple times? For the same reason someone thought Boogeyman was a good idea: because pro wrestling. Simple as that.]

Big Show gets some cheap heat and blathers, putting himself over. It’s decent, but it’s nothing noteworthy, except that Big Show apparently reads Online Onslaught too and officially calls it his “Big Show Chair.”

The fans aren’t impressed, so they start chanting “Boring.” Show screams back at them that we will not chant that at him since he’s the most must-see champion ever. I know I’ve said it before, I’ll probably wind up saying it again, but: Big Show cuts his promos by working the crowd like a true freaking veteran. I love it.

Anyway, Sheamus hits the ring then and says that he’s not going to bitch. He, once again, loved the fight and isn’t going to cry about losing. He even concedes that last night, Show was totally the better man. So Sheamus is going to be the bigger man here, congratulates Show, and wants to shake his hand. A vocal minority starts chanting “Shea-mus sucks!” Huh.

Sheamus starts to leave, but then Show says “Now get to the back of the line you potato-eating Irishman!” Whoops. He goes on to posit what makes Sheamus think he could ever beat Show?

Well that was stupid. Sheamus responds the only way he can, steals the Big Show Chair, whaps Show a few times, then tops it off with a Brogue Kick. Nice!

Wait… what the fuck???

Post-Segment 22: Here comes Dolph Ziggler with the Money in the Bank briefcase! Referee McDoucher is right there! He cashes it in! The fans are going crazy!

And, uh, here comes Cena? Cena slides in and beats the holy hell out of Dolph before the bell rings, ending by flinging him face-first into the barricade outside the ring. And holy crap, did the crowd boo the hell out of Cena. Even I feel a little bad for Dolph for that one.

Segment 23: 3MB hits the ring for a match, followed by Alberto Del Rio and The Miz. Then commercials. Then when we come back, rather than a match, we get Dolph Ziggler freaking out in the back.

Dolph finds Vickie and complains about what Cena did to him to cost him a shot at the World Heavyweight Title. But Vickie didn’t forget Dolph trying discover what AJ’s tongue tasted like (especially since it only happened like an hour ago), so she has zero sympathy. Arguments ensue, and Vickie doesn’t buy that Dolph didn’t know he’d have AJ’s help.

So then Dolph breaks up with Vickie, and says that her “jealousy is getting old, tired, and just plain ugly.” And then because anvils aren’t heavy enough as they are, he adds: “…Just like you.” Dumbass.

Vickie responds through gritted teeth that she’ll totally make a revenge match for him: it’ll be Dolph and AJ versus Cena and… Vickie herself. Huh.

Pre-Segment 24: Looks like Miz wants to talk. He says that during their tag match with 3MB the previous night, they surprised everyone by having the Brooklyn Brawler as their third man. Well, they have another surprise for tonight… Tommy Dreamer! Which goes way the hell over with this Philadelphia crowd, and I’m sure Heyman is smiling in the back.

Segment 24 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Tommy Dreamer, The Miz, & Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeat 3MB by pin. Solid match, good stuff. ADR started the match, but the fans didn’t give a shit: between “E-C-Dub!” and “Tom-my Dre-mer!” chants, everyone knew who they wanted. It wasn’t long before Dreamer got a shot, in which he punched Slater in the face and triggered a quick, temporary Pier Six Brawl. The heels found themselves chucked out the west side of the ring, so ADR did a suicide dive since he’s a face now and apparently we’re living in Bizarro World. Miz did as much flying as he’s ever done by executing a somewhat shitty baseball slide. Then Dreamer decided he want to get some air, so he went to the top rope and came jumping off with a flying double axe handle to the outside. Huh.

Then commercials because at this point there’s more of them than show, and soon we see Dreamer at the end of his false face in peril sequence, and he got the hot tag to Miz. House of fire, huge face chant for him, but Slater soon gets him under control and makes Miz the true face in peril.

Standard tag match from then on as the heels cut the ring in half, but ADR gets the hot tag. ADR took out Drew, who apparently then took out the entire announcers’ table, including all their fancy electronic gadgets. ADR continued his tear, pretty much owned everyone, then readied the armbar on Slater. But then Dreamer basically begged for a tag, and ADR obliged. A Dreamer DDT later, Slater goes down, and the pin ends it. We also saw Dreamer’s O Face, and my nightmares will be haunted for weeks to come.

Segment 25: Sheamus is the next award presenter. He tries to give us a heartwarming speech to introduce the “Newcomer of the Year Award,” but the crowd gives no shit and just wants to keep chanting for Dreamer as he leaves the ring and ramp.

Segment 26: Ryback wins, even over Damien Sandow. Clearly, the voting fans are morons.

A full hour has passed, so now Ryback pops out. He quotes Owen Hart to get on the fans’ sympathetic side: “ ‘Enough is enough, and it’s time for a change.’ I am that change! Feed me more!” That’s sadly a direct quote, not my sarcasm.

Pre-Segment 27: Ryback walks from the stage to the ring. Then, Antonio Cesaro pops out and says the WWE voting is rigged like every American election. He’s also totally stronger and smarter than Ryback, and a champion, so he should be the Newcomer of the Year! And now he’s going to take his revenge, or something.

Segment 27 [Singles Match]: Ryback reverse-squashes Antonio Cesaro by countout. Cesaro with early offense, but when he went for the Neutralizer, Ryback countered out. Neutralizer said screw that noise and left.

Segment 28: The next presenters are Mean Gene Okerlund, Rick’s favorite Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, and Jim Ross! The fans clearly want to see Steamboat do… something.

Anyway, this is the final Slammy of the night: the “Match of the Year” award! For this one only, I’ll list the nominees in the order they did:

  • Undertaker vs. Triple H at WrestleMania 28
  • Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at Extreme Rules
  • Sheamus vs. Big Show at Hell in a Cell
  • The Rock vs. John Cena at WrestleMania 28

Okay, that last one doesn’t belong in my opinion. Hell, Punk had a few better than that one, and the guy doesn’t even get a mention. We’ll find out the winner after, you guessed it, another commercial.

Segment 29: Undertaker/Trips. Yay! The voting public got their heads out of their asses!

And, uh, here comes The Game? Sweet! And he’s sporting his relatively new corporate short haircut! If Trips didn’t have the beard still, he wouldn’t look like himself.

Trips makes a joke that he won a Slammy over a decade ago for “best hair,” and now has… well, that going on. The fans politely laugh and cheer and chant for him. But then Trips starts to speak, and that just gooses the crowd into a ridiculously loud “We Want Tak-er!” chant.

Trips absorbs it, but then gets on with his speech. He says that it’s not often that a superstar gets a chance to be part of something truly magical, but it happened for him, to be out there with two others he fully respects beyond anyone else. He considers Taker to be “the benchmark” for the industry, a line that will no doubt piss off the wankers.

Trips stresses again that the match was “the end of an era,” and he has to pause again to take a huge “Thank you Hunter!” chant, but Trips turns that around and thanks the fans too. So Trips answers the “million-dollar question” that’s been hanging in the air: “You’ve not seen the last of the Undertaker.”

Uh… what? I can certainly understand that literally, that the Taker will pop out now and then for surprise appearances or whatever, but… another match? No. That… that just shouldn’t happen, I don’t think.

Still, one answer we didn’t get tonight is whether we’ve seen the last of Trips himself. Hmm…

Segment 30: Thirty segments? Really? Because of retarded commercial breaks… Ugh.

So, yeah, we smash-cut to the parking garage, where The Shield beats the fuck out of Tommy Dreamer. Hey, it’s what the guy was best at doing, and that’s good for some cheap heat.

Segment 31: AJ hits the ring for her match, but first she orders the stagehands to get something out from under the ring. That “something” is one of the tall ladders, which they dutifully pull out and set up in the center of the ring. AJ gets a mic and climbs the ladder…

And we go to another ad break. For the love of Mike…

Pre-Segment 32: Usually 32 is my lucky number, but right now I’m basically good and annoyed.

AJ is all giggles that she’s just full of surprises as she cuts a promo from the second-to-top rung of the ladder. She’s tired of everyone asking her “Why?,” as in, why she would sabotage John Cena. She starts to finally give us a definitive answer, but that’s when Vickie hits the ring and says nobody cares about the reasons.

As AJ gets off the ladder, Vickie says that the only thing anyone cares about is that she’s going to totally “drag AJ’s scrawny butt all around the ring again.”

I just realized the historical significance here: we’ve got a tag match where we’re alternating heel and face entrances! Or whatever the hell Vickie is now! And no one cares!

Segment 32 [Mixed Tag Match]: John Cena & Vickie Guerrero technically defeat Dolph Ziggler & AJ by disqualification, but it probably should have been a countout. The match was story, nothing more.

We started off with early offense by Dolph, but the women tagged in after less than a minute. They traded catfights, the “roll around the ring for a while” thing, and then AJ just said “screw it” and left. I figured there would be a count, or at least AJ would have tagged Dolph in first, but no… AJ just ups and leaves, and the ref couldn’t be bothered to give a damn.

Eventually the guys got back in the ring and started beating the crap out of each other. Vickie watched for a moment, then just left too. Cena eventually took advantage and slapped in the STF.

As Dolph crawled to the ropes for a rope break, AJ reappeared on the stage… with some black dude who I initially thought was Shelton Benjamin for some reason, but I can’t be that lucky. It’s some dude named “Big E. Langston” (I think) who is apparently from whatever season of NXT they’re on now. I guess he wanted to get in on some of The Shield’s gimmick?

Anyway, Langston slides in the ring. He whiffs on a clothesline against Cena, but is able to hit a standing splash, which is enough for the DQ.

Post-Segment 32: As the bell rings, Langston puts Cena on one shoulder and hits… uh… well, it’s sorta like an RKO or Diamond Cutter, but instead of the victim’s jaw hitting the shoulder, it’s the victim’s gut. That’s it, and Langston just poses over Cena’s inert body. AJ is all smiles and slides in the skipping around Langston and Cena both as Dolph is confused in the corner.

Final Thoughts: And we instantly fade out to black. I don’t get it: there were so many commercials already that it didn’t seem like time compression should have been a big issue. So either there were more commercials than usual (a totally distinct possibility given my current seething rage at the timing), or WWE just totally fell asleep at the wheel in providing entrances. [Ed. Note: same amount of commercials as always. That's actually dictated by the FCC. They can't just put more in because they feel like it.  Anything else that felt odd about the pacing, it's all cuz of the Slammys and how they did the voting. I can't put into words how awkward -- and just plain retarded -- it was to have the presenter come out and reveal the nominees, then cut to commercials, then come back and announce the winner. Announce the nominees ahead of time, for chrissakes, open voting for the first award promptly at 8pm, and then unlock voting for each additional Slammy  immediately upon the announcement of the previous winner. Simple. Effective. No holding the nominees hostage, and then having to do the awkward "double bumper" format with the presenter.]

Look, I know WWE half-asses it around the holidays, and I understand and respect it. But half-assing it doesn’t mean you have to put on a show that seems to take more fast-forwarding than real-time to watch. I really feel for anyone who watched it on TV live, and I hope the live in-arena crowd had some entertainment during all those breaks.

We have a few intriguing questions here, such as why The Shield up and assaulted Dreamer unless WWE has already given up on the idea that they’re “righting wrongs,” but not enough to really discuss. Cody/Cara and the six-man tag match were pretty solid, but the rest? No. Just, no. Pass.

One down, two to go. I’ll see you tomorrow for the SmackDown recap, which remember is airing live and commercial-free on the USA Network, not Syfy.

Episode Grade: D



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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