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Ohio Decides. Again.
November 13, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Irony. Last Tuesday, I wrote in the precap that “nothing much changed in the last 24 hours,” referring (as Rick said) to my personal life. Well, within 24 hours after that, something did change in my personal life, something that has completely impacted me. More loss, another death… I’m not taking it well. This has been a shitty year.

I don’t need pity or sympathy, and I won’t be asking for donations for paying for a funeral or whatever. But I just wanted to explain why this recap will be brief, and without my usual flair. I’m really, really not feeling funny right now. Let’s just do this so I can get back to… whatever I’m going to get back to.

Opening: WWE gives a traditional tribute to the troops given that yesterday was Veteran’s Day. Voiced over by John Cena, of course. Also, we’re told that Jerry Lawler is in the house, but he’s not coming out yet.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Decent match, nothing special, but an extremely hot crowd. Nothing you haven’t seen before. Match ended when Alberto Del Rio hit the ring to cause a distraction. Orton took a swing at ADR, which was enough of a distraction that Dolph went for the Fame-asser. Orton countered that into a small package and made the pin.

Post-Segment 1: Then ADR and Ricardo Rodriguez slid in the ring and started beating the hell out of Orton. Dolph helped out, and it looked bad for the Apex Predator.

That’s when Kofi Kingston hit the ring, then proceeded to beat the shit out of the heels and continuity. I was hoping Orton would thank Kofi for his help with an RKO just to maintain the story from however many years ago when Kofi defaced the Ortonmobile, but no dice. Instead, Teddy Long appears, makes the obvious tag match for right the hell now, and leaves. The bell rings and we get an exchange before they cut to commercials.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeat Kofi Kingston & Randy Orton by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Kofi was both the face in peril and the second hot tag, and he couldn’t close the deal. The match finish saw ADR hit the step up enziguri in the corner, which for some reason had knockout powers for this match.

Segment 3: Back from commercial, and Dolph is still in the ring, this time with Vickie Guerrero. He blathers about AJ, since she’s so totally scandalous, and he wants to know the truth. He recaps everything and all the footage, and he mentions that AJ getting into an elevator with Cena “is like second base.” What’s a home run to Dolph? A foot massage?

Vickie blathers after the recap, then demands AJ to come out and explain her side of the scandal. AJ hits the ring wearing a sexy little black top that’s almost a shirt. She starts by insulting Vickie, then—after entirely too long—continues to swear that she and Cena are just friends. She then changes subjects sort of, that Vickie is only talking about this crap and trying to humiliate her because she’s jealous over AJ’s tenure as the RAW GM, and that AJ could totally beat her up.

So now Vickie gives another piece of evidence: secret voicemails! And… again, I have no idea why I’m recapping this in detail. AJ insists that she never left those voicemails, even though they’re incredibly vague and have nothing to do with naughtiness, and thinks Vickie just spliced some audio together to do it.

And now here comes Cena, who wants to punch Dolph in the face (since he said an insult that doesn’t need to be repeated, because it was stupid). AJ cuts him off and doesn’t him to attack… because she slaps Dolph’s face off first. Cena follows up with a forearm, and Dolph bails. Cena flings the Money in the Bank briefcase after him, and… that’s it, because his music plays again. No more words.

Ugh. That segment went on entirely too long. I saved you a bunch of time by condensing it down to four paragraphs, trust me.

Segment 4: Another Veteran’s Day-related video clip.

Segment 5: Back from commercial, and Cena and AJ are talking in the back. Words are exchanged, and AJ implies that while they haven’t done the horizontal sausage stuffer, she wouldn’t exactly mind it. Cena gets flustered like Hugh Grant in any movie ever, then runs off because he totally has a match.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Big Show squashes William Regal by pin. The welt on Regal’s chest after this one was ridiculous.

Post-Segment 6: After the match, Show readied a WMD just to be a jerk. But then Sheamus came down and beat the crap out of him, sending Show out of the ring. Show decided to just leave, and Sheamus pulled his shirt off for no reason.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Layla by pin. I… think this was a #1 contender’s match, but they blazed through it so fast that I couldn’t exactly tell. The final move was sweet, as Kaitlyn went for a scoop slam. Layla blocked by getting her feet down first, so Kaitlyn shrugged and just hit a sweet reverse DDT. And that was that.

It was so fast that none of the three girls got entrances. Yes, three… Eve was on commentary, but she had about 45 seconds to get across any points she wanted. Basically, she’s not worried about either, since she’s beaten both. It doesn’t stop them from making eyes at each other after the match.

Cut Scene: Lawler is coming back after the commercials, but to go into them, we see some never-before-seen footage of the chaos backstage, when the EMTs wheeled Lawler through the “pit” to the back, did chest compressions and even used the defibrillator, before loading him into an ambulance and sending him off. Pretty scary stuff.

Segment 8: Michael Cole and Jim Ross are in the ring, quickly recaps the events of nine months ago, then gives Lawler a beautiful introduction. Lawler pops out presently and heads to the ring amid unanimous cheers. He hugs JR and, because we’ve tossed out kayfabe here, even Michael Cole. JR flourishes the microphone to the King, then both of the other commentators bow out of the ring.

Lawler doesn’t really know what to say, so he stutters into just making a parallel to It’s a Wonderful Life, because he didn’t realize just how many fans and friends and family he had until this near-death experience. He loves all of us, and he’s happy to be back!

And here comes CM Punk. The King shakes his head and exits the ring, but doesn’t sit down at the table yet. Instead, he stands at ringside as Punk does his full entrance and absorbs the 10/90 cheers-to-boos. Punk takes the mic and looks directly at Lawler, then says it’s a good thing Lawler left the ring when he did, “or I would have beaten you to death… again.” And I smile, because Punk took my storyline suggestion!

The fans boo of course, and Punk calls them on it. It’s Jerry who should be booed, because it’s in bad taste for him to suit up and take on the Best in the World. “I guess one of the side effects of that is having a heart attack.” Damn! Punk wishes shame on Lawler for “this heart attack stunt” that stole Punk’s spotlight. Also, who cares how many minutes Lawler was clinically dead? Because the only number that matters is 358, as in the number of days he’s held the title, which ties him with Diesel! But the number he cares more about is 365, which is totally going to happen by next Monday, since he’s going to beat Ryback and John Cena at Survivor Series.

He does say he’s glad that Jerry is alive and well… because Jerry will get a front row seat to Survivor Series, when all that awesomeness will happen. “Just don’t croak before Sunday, okay?” Good lord.

Lawler responds that the only thing on life support right now is Punk’s title reign. Punk starts to invite Lawler to the ring if he really wants to do something about it, but then Heyman starts coughing like he’s choking or having issues himself. Punk crazily shows us the Crossed Arms of Doom because he genre savvy. After milking it for entirely too long, Heyman pops up like nothing is wrong, then starts doing a Red Sanford bit. Stay classy, WWE.

Then, uh, Mick Foley comes down? Cole immediately just apologizes to everyone in the world for Heyman being a jerk, and Foley takes the mic once he hits the ring. He isn’t surprised that Punk, for all his blustering about wanting respect, but refuses to give it. Punk says that Foley’s blathering is redundant, and is wasting his time. They especially have nothing to do with each other now that Punk was ousted from his own team at Survivor Series, which he entirely blames on Vince McMahon.

Mick mentions that he still does have a gap on his team, and the fans are going to vote on who will fill it. Punk replies that Mick shouldn’t listen to the fans, because they’re idiots. Nice.

Mick fucking loses it, reminding Punk that Lawler was dead, and it was the support of the fans and the family and the love that brought him back, and it was a total miracle. He segues that he (Mick) had looked forward to the Survivor Series match because he would have been a part of a team that forced Punk to learn a lesson, but now realizes Punk doesn’t “get” lessons. It’s because the only thing that matters to Punk is the WWE Championship, and he looks forward to Cena and Ryback will pull it off him.

Punk reminds him that no one has yet figured out how to get the title off him after nearly a year, and Cena and Ryback won’t be any better. Another segue, and Mick mentions that Punk and Cena will take each other on tonight, and Mick will be the guest ref. Have a nice day, finger point.

Mick’s promo was passionate and intense, but a little… unhinged. Whole segment was decent enough, but it seemed they had to force in a couple lines (like the setup to Mick being a guest enforcer tonight) that made it a little awkward. But hey: Lawler back on commentary! Let’s see how he does…

Segment 9: Back from commercial, and Punk and Heyman are talking in the locker room. Punk’s paranoia is so high that he has trouble even trusting Heyman! He wants Heyman to just fix everything, and Heyman is sure they’re running out of options.

Pre-Segment 10: Jim Ross has left, and Lawler takes his place. Lawler teases Cole, and Cole just laughs it off rather than being a heel and flipping out about it.

Segment 10 [8-Man Tag Match]: Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, Rey Mysterio, & Sin Cara defeat Prime Time Players, Epico, & Primo (w/ Rosa Mendes) by pin. Solid match, though I wouldn’t have minded it go a bit longer. Solid teamwork among all members of both teams, with Rey being the main face in peril. During the House of Fire, it never broke down to a Pier Eight Brawl, but it was a bit of a clusterfuck with everyone being rapidly being chucked out of the ring.

The final sequence was sick, with Kidd starting off by reversing something on Young to set him up on the second rope. Kidd tagged out, Rey hit the 619, then tagged out to Gabriel, who hit a 450 Splash and made the pin. Good stuff… you’ll want to YouTube it.

Segment 11: Brad Maddox is getting ready for his match with Ryback. Heyman arrives, then takes Maddox away to privately “discuss something” with Maddox. Uh oh…

Segment 12: Another Fandangoo promo, this time with some actual live action dancing that I don’t give a shit about. We get a few shots of Johnny Curtis’s face as he says “Mind if I… cut in?,” which is apparently his new catchphrase. Oh, and now his name is “Fandango,” not “Fandangoo,” for some reason. It’s probably because Rick scared them off last week and WWE is too afraid to use double-O’s anymore.

Segment 13: Miz is talking to someone on the phone and mentions that he wants to make an impact at Survivor Series, then hangs up when Dolph arrives. Dolph puts himself over, but Miz insults him for getting slapped by AJ earlier. Heh.

They scream at each other as they argue over resumes, and then Foley arrives. Dolph insults him, then says that Foley is stupid for considering to put Miz on Team Foley… which, uh, what? Ignoring that, Mick randomly chooses a tag match to fight. So Dolph is going to put up the Rhodes Scholars, and Mick says that he’ll put up Kane and whoever wins the ballot.

Dolph runs off, and Miz… pitches himself for the position? Oh, I think I see what happened… Dolph lost his mind and actually jumped a line or two in the script. Whoops.

Anyway, Santino Marella, Miz, and Zack Ryder are on the ballot to see who gets to fill out Team Foley.

Segment 14: R-Truth hits the ring for a match, then Antonio Cesaro pops out in a suit. Cesaro cuts a promo against Truth, which turns to a promo against the United States, all while holding the US Title. He declares that at Survivor Series, you don’t mess with a true superpower. Since when did Switzerland become a “true superpower,” exactly?

We go to commercials.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: R-Truth defeats Tensai by pin. Competitive match with an indication of how far Tensai has fallen. Decent match, nothing special, ended with the Little Jimmy or whatever the hell it’s called. Mainly the match allowed Cesaro to cut a promo in the form of being on commentary, and he did a damn good job.

Post-Segment 15: And is apparently continuing to do so, as he grabs a mic and starts talking shit after the match is over. Truth just exits the ring and steals the mic rather than listening, then tells a knock-knock joke using the fans’ help. He’s totally going to “knock Cesaro’s teeth down his esophagus,” and that’s the truth. And that’s also some spittle that flies out of his mouth and goes directly into Cesaro’s mouth. Ewww…

Commercial: Whoa, a DVD set of the nWo? I totally need that. I’m still trying to deal with learning what was going on in WCW’s side of the Mason-Dixon Line during the Monday Night Wars.

Pre-Segment 16: Cute, just to drive home the point about how bad of an idea this is for Maddox, when he pops out to the stage (without music), an ambulance drives up to the side of the stage. Lawler jokingly says “Looks like my ride is here!” Heh.

Ryback hits the ring… then some EMTs come on down with a gurney. Also heh.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Ryback extend-squashes Brad Maddox by pin. The only surprise was that there were no surprises.

Post-Segment 16: Oh wait, here we go. Ryback is still unhappy about getting ousted from the WWE Championship because of Maddox, so Ryback just beats the crap out of him some more. He even carries Maddox all the way to the ambulance, then flings him in. No word about what he and Heyman had talked about before.

Segment 17 [Singles Match]: Sheamus squashes David Otunga by pin. Why did this happen, exactly? Other than giving Sheamus some momentum, I guess.

Post-Segment 17: Sheamus cuts a basic promo on Show after the match… then they cut to the back, where Show is just beating the hell out of William Regal for absolutely no reason. He concludes with a WMD. Jerk.

Sheamus bails from the ring and takes off. We’ve got a commercial, but I have a feeling that’ll be the first thing on the other side of the break.

Cut Scene: Regal has a concussion after the assault, but he’s okay. And, uh, I was wrong; no cut to Sheamus.

Segment 18: Kane is heading to the ring for his match against the voted member of Team Foley. Daniel Bryan catches up to him and is unhappy that Kane is teaming with “another partner.” Apparently this isn’t the first time they’ve argued about it, but DB’s feelings are hurt, so he becomes a passive-aggressive girlfriend here. “Well, if Foley asked me to team with someone other than you, I wouldn’t have done it.” Kane responds by simply leaving the instant DB’s back is turned. [Ed. Note: the whole thing with Kane/Bryan/Miz was hands down the best part of a pretty decent show. Bryan, especially, was hilarious. And Miz is the perfect guy to be the "other girl" in this scenario, due to his contentious past with Bryan. Or is Kane the pretty girl in this scenario, and Bryan and Miz are the two dudes trying to date her?]

Segment 19: Wow, The Miz actually won? I’m genuinely surprised Ryder didn’t get the call.

Miz’s entrance starts, and Miz himself gets about halfway down the ramp, but then DB arrives and screams “No!” over and over as he heads down to the ring. He gives Miz an awkward handshake, but doesn’t seem too malicious yet.

But we do have commercials, because screw good time management.

Segment 20 [Tag Match]: The Miz & Kane defeat Team Rhodes Scholars by pin. Solid match. The finish saw DB trying to interfere to cost Miz the match, but Miz was able to deal to turn things around so Cody was the victim. He tossed Cody back in the ring afterwards, where Miz hit the chokeslam and made the pin. Clearly, Miz and Kane work well together.

But DB didn’t like that, so he got in the ring and wanted to celebrate anyway. This led to both him and Miz holding up Kane’s arms in victory while bickering with each other. Awesome… It’s a good way to start (or finish?) Miz’s face turn as we add some more comic relief.

Segment 21 [Singles Match, Mick Foley is the guest enforcer]: John Cena defeats CM Punk (w/ Paul Heyman) by pin. Solid match. Not a classic, but these two are always good together, and the crowd was hot.

The match ended with Cena locking in the STF. Punk managed a rope break, then started running off. Ryback arrived to stop that nonsense as Foley dealt with Heyman. Punk decided going through the crowd was a good idea again, but Cena caught up to him and threw him back in the ring. An attempted GTS turned into an FU and a clean pin.

After the match, Ryback got in the ring, and Cena and Ryback played tug of war with the belt while Punk looked in from the background nearly in tears.

Final Thoughts: Slightly above average episode and a good lead-in for Survivor Series, but there wasn’t anything huge here. Not a bad night, just nothing super-special.

I’m going to be at RAW live next week, but I still plan on doing the recap. I’ll point out if I make it on TV, but given my sign ideas, you’ll probably know.

See you this weekend for SmackDown, everyone.

Episode Grade: B-



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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