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RAW: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Punk IS a Paul Heyman Guy, Afterall
September 4, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube
  

On the laptop for this one, since my main computer is processing another video. If you check out my YouTube channel linked above, by the time you read this, the first video of the mini-series should be up. It's just a Let's Play of Rise of Nations, but you can see my face because I did a picture-in-picture of my webcam too! Bask in my appearence, and wonder why My Rosa doesn't fly straight to Xenia for me. (Or, "no longer wonder" why.)
 

Speaking of Xenia, that rain we were promised? Yeah, it didn't come. Supposedly, it was going to rain all day, but all we got was a little spray like some moron fired his garden hose over the fence for two seconds. Pretty lame, and we need the rain... not to mention drowning all the damn insects that keep snacking on me at night. Stupid mosquitos.
 


And... I'm pretty sure I'm past the ad box at this point, so we can get right to RAW. Is it weird that the thing I'm most looking forward to right now is Daniel Bryan's anger collage? Followed second, of course, by All Things Punk. Let's roll...

Pre-Segment 1: Michael Cole is by himself to start the show. We get a "before the show" preview where Jerry Lawler and CM Punk got into a brawl before Lawler could even get out to the commentators' table. It was basically even until the refs seperated them. Lawler at that point rushed Punk, and ate a big boot for his effort. He sold it like a chair shot as Punk was dragged away, and we fade out to the opening theme and pyros.

Segment 1: From there, it's Sheamus to open the show proper. Of note, we're in Chicago, and Sheamus gets in a cheap pop as he starts to cut a promo against Alberto Del Rio, but that's when Punk's music fires up. And holy shit is the crowd one-sided: Chicago loves their WWE Champion!

Punk stays on the stage as he addresses the crowd and Sheamus, saying that they can't relate to Sheamus. After all, he's not from here, but Punk is! Punk defends his actions of attacking Lawler because apparently the cameras didn't catch Lawler throwing the first punch from behind. Punk goes on to cut a promo against Lawler, which seems like wasted words to me, but good lord is Punk fantastic selling it on the mic.

Punk recaps his actions last week, then talks about John Cena's "interference" in the post-match; the name alone causes 99% of the audience to boo. The audcience confirms that Punk totally did not turn his back on them, and Punk goes on that Cena must agree with Lawler's view if Cena was going to save him. And if Cena agrees with Lawler, then clearly he's not respecting Punk, which also means he's not respecting the title, so there. Hell, by not respecting the title, it's Cena who's totally turned his back on the fans!

Sheamus then interrupts Punk's speech, which turns him insta-heel for a week. Sheamus takes issue with Punk calling himself the "best in the world," but hell, Sheamus is the World Heavyweight Champion! And if Punk is going to interrupt Sheamus, then Punk is committing the same crime The Rock supposedly did with Punk himself: interruption. But at least Rocky interrupted Punk in the ring... so why doesn't Punk step in the ring?

Punk smirks and says that he's got nothing to do with Sheamus... besides, if he's the World Heavyweight Champion, and Punk is the WWE Champion, then Sheamus is at best #2 in the pecking order! Burn! And true!

Sheamus replies that if Punk is going to keep up that line, he should just turn around; if Punk is going to talk out of his arse, he may as well be looking at it. Heh.

Punk wants to reply, but AJ Lee pops out. She wants to make two main events tonight, and we may as well do a crossover of the main events from Night of Champions: it's going to be Cena vs. ADR, and Sheamus vs. Punk tonight. Yay! And double-yay for those ass-hugging suit pants!

That's it for the opening, and Sheamus and Punk hold up their respective titles at each other as AJ skips a lap around the ring for no reason. [Ed. Note: Punk and Sheamus attempting to have a Staredown of Deathly Hatred while AJ's peppy music played in the background was.... odd.]

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats Randy Orton by pin. This match exists because Dolph was unhappy at losing in this match on SmackDown (which, I may remind you, had no reason to exist in the first place). So the return match was on.

A very unique spot from Dolph, and I'm not entirely sure I can describe it right. It started with Dolph on offense in the heel beatdown sequence. With Orton sitting, Dolph did a standard sleeper. So far, so normal... then they rolled so Orton was on his belly, and Dolph maintained the move. Also normal... until Dolph decided to maintain the sleeper and do a handstand. At this point, I'm impressed... but Dolph isn't, so he goes ahead and tilts forward so he's in a bridge while still maintaining the hold. I don't see how Dolph can do that without injuring every ligament in his body or actually doing the damage to Orton. Fantastic showy spot, and Dolph again continues to impress me.

We entered the end-game shortly after, which was kicked off by a perfectly executed superplex by Orton. Back-and-forth from there until Orton hit the Hangman's DDT, but some more countering and Orton found himself in the corner. Dolph charged so Orton could do that new silky-smooth counter he does (that's getting boring if he's whipping it out for every damn match), but Dolph kicked out. Immediately after that, Dolph rolled Orton up with a handful of tights and took the win.

Overall, it was marginally better than their effort on SmackDown, but it still felt over-long and still seemed a little pointless. I don't really get the purpose of the feud; who does this help, exactly? Does this raise Dolph's stock since Orton is technically higher in the pecking order?

Post-Segment 2: As Dolph leaves with Vickie and exits through the gorilla position, The Miz's music fires up, and our Intercontinental Champion comes to ringside to join Cole on commentary. Huh.

Segment 3: New clip of anger management. Daniel Bryan and Kane are there on time for once. Our first visual gag is, once everyone sits down, Harold decides he's too close to Kane, so he forces Hot Blonde to swap places with him.

DB is the first to shot his anger collage: just a sheet of paper with tons of Yes's and No's across it. He shares with the class before ripping it up, then it's Kane's turn (to massive cheers from the fans watching this on the Titantron). Kane holds up... a blank sheet of paper.

The doctor is all, "Is that how you feel? Blank?" Kane replies by throwing the paper into a trash can, then blowing his pyro, which is magically in the trash too. The class freaks out, but DB just looks bored.

The doctor says that was an awesome bit of sharing, and we need to start talking about our families. That'll be fun.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio defeat Cody Rhodes & Tensai by pin. Solid match, nothing special. Rey seemed to be extra amped tonight and was operating at full speed from bell to bell. Cara was the face in peril but Rey was relatively untouched.

Awkward spot right the end, after a Pier Four Brawl. We saw Rey hit Cody with the 619, and he was on the west apron. He then tagged in Cara, but the ref flipped out that that wasn't a legal tag due to Rey being out of the ring... I hadn't heard that rule before, but it makes sense, and +20 points to the ref for actually calling it. So Rey quickly got in the ring even as Cara was climbing the to the top rope, and Rey kinda smacked Cara's hand as he balanced himself up there. Cara too knew what was going on and half-heartedly tagged back even though he was fully standing on the top rope by then.

Cara then came off with a Swanton Bomb of all things, and with Tensai down after eating his own 619, the pin was academic. Faces win! Masked faces, even!

Miz did an adequate job on commentary but didn't seem as enthused as he normally does.

Segment 5: Back to the anger management class, and everyone is holding hands in a circle of trust... except DB and Kane, who want zero part of that nonsense. So of course the doctor calls on them to demonstrate trust... via the Catch Exercise! DB says he totally trusts Kane, and falls back... and Kane catches him!

Everyone applauds, and the doctor is so happy, he advances them to phase 2: teamwork! So they get to work together to catch Harold! Harold falls back, and Kane and DB withdraw their arms. DB lovingly looks at Kane and asks, "Did you know I wasn't going to catch him?" Kane replies, "Did you know I wasn't going to catch him?" DB smiles a little too happily and declares, "I think I finally understand you now!" And as Kane returns the creepy smile, everyone checks on Harold, who totally has a concussion.

Sort of predictable, but still hilarious. YouTube it, people!

Segment 6: Sheamus hits the ring for the minor main event. Punk follows... in jeans? Looks like Punk isn't ready to fight. Once they're in the ring, Punk calls for a mic, then proceeds to insincerely fellate Chicago by saying the fans totally respect him and his decisions... and so they'll respect that he decides he's not here to play during the frickin' nine o'clock hour. And it's Labor Day, so the fans will also respect that he's going to take the day off.

Punk leaves to 50/50 boos, but does indeed leave all the way through gorilla. Sheamus gets the mic and says that Punk is the one disrespecting Chicago because they want to see this match!

Punk just keeps heading to the back... and throught the back. AJ stops him and says he can't leave, but Punk counters that he has a contract that guarantees him personal days, and he's taking one now.

Punk hops in his conveniently placed car and drives off. Matt Striker materializes and asks AJ what she's going to do about the main event. AJ totally has no idea who Striker is, but just orders him to keep Sheamus in the ring... she will find an opponent for him.

She stressfully storms away, and I have to say: I hate to see AJ leave, but in those pants, I love to watch her go.

Pre-Segment 7: Back from commercial, and Alberto Del Rio is hitting the ring dressed to compete. Sheamus doesn't look happy about it, but ADR isn't really here to fight, I don't think. He's here just to taunt Sheamus and move close to the commentators (Miz is still out there).

Ah, then Jack Swagger's music fires up. Doesn't seem like a good idea given his losing streak, but I guess we'll see. ADR joins Cole and Miz on the head sets.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Jack Swagger by submission. Huh, Sheamus beat him with a Texas Cloverleaf. That's... different. ADR flipped out about it for some reason.

The match was "meh," with Swagger doing all right but basically got dominated.

Post-Segment 7: Ricardo Rodriguez and ADR attack Sheamus together. Sheamus manages to fight them both off and concludes with a Blarney Boot to ADR... except ARD ducks, and RR eats it instead. And when I say "eats it," I mean it looked friggin' sick, like he took it full-force.

Meanwhile, ADR bails, and Sheamus is upset, but at least he's got the moral (and match) victory after that mess.

Pre-Segment 8: After commercials, we see that RR did a partial stretcher job. His were pretty glazed over... Hope he's okay and that's just a damn good sell job.

Also Pre-Segment 8: Kaitlyn hits the ring for a singles match against Eve, and Kaitlyn has new music. It's generic girl dance pop, which fits I guess, but it's totally unmemorable. I have a feeling I'll literally forget about it and mention it again on Friday as "new" music.

Also Also Pre-Segment 8: Layla hits the commentators' table to join Miz and Cole on commentary, and Miz immediately proceeds to mock her girly voice.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Eve defeats Kaitlyn by pin. Miz and Layla bitched at each other for the whole match and were awfully distracting. It reminded me of a recent Simpsons episode where the comic store guy got into a flame war with a teenage girl, only somehow more annoying.

The match wasn't much to speak of. Kaitlyn eventually oversold a shoulder to the ribs, selling that she may have broken ribs. It was kayfabe though... after the ref helped her to her feet, Eve immediately hit a forward kick in those same ribs, then hit a neckbreaker and made the pin.

Post-Segment 8: After the match, Eve helped Kaitlyn up and actually shook her hand, confusing Kaitlyn and all the fans. Then, Eve slid out of the ring and offered her hand to Layla. After prodding from Miz, Layla shook her hand, Layla did so, and Eve merrily walked away. Face turn, or just more manipulation?

Segment 9: In the back, Jack Swagger is leaving. And I mean, really leaving: as AJ catches up with him, Jack says he's going to take some extended time off due to his losing streak. AJ begs him to stay since "everyone" is leaving: Punk left, Brock Lesnar left, Chris Jericho left... okay, wait, that last one is bullshit, since he was "fired," and it was AJ herself who made that stipulation in the first place.

Anyway, she's freaking out because everyone is leaving her... and it's not enough to keep Jack, who just says "Sorry" and walks away. AJ looks like she's going to cry... Don't worry, AJ, I'll keep you happy... with what's in my pants.

By which I mean my DS, of course. She'd love Pokemon Black!

Segment 10: Back from commercial, and we're having our third anger management clip. The doctor is super-proud of DB's and Kane's progress. DB makes a little speech that his anger management is past him, and he'll be happy to give Kane a rematch from their match at SummerSlam. Kane thanks him, and will take it someday... and promises not to eviscerate him.

Well DB isn't happy about that, and says that it's tough to eviscerate him while he's tapping out. Kane says he won't make him tap out if Kane doesn't let DB leave the room. Everyone bails as Kane DB start to argue, and Kane slaps his hand on DB's throat.

But then the doctor completely freaks out, shrieking that Kane and DB haven't learned anything.

Post-Segment 10: AJ asks the fans through Michael Cole to vote on how they want Kane and DB to resolve their differences: compete against each other, compete together in a tag match, or hug it out. Yes, that is a thing that's an option.

Segment 11: ADR bursts out of the trainer's room, and Striker is there to ask what exactly is going on with RR. David Otunga then pops out of the trainer's room with his somehow-annyoing sweater vest and coffee cup, and says his "client" has nothing to say publicly right now.

Hm... okay, so, clearly RR was just selling before, which was good, because the Blarney Boot looked pretty legit. This is going to be a retarded storyline though, I can already feel it.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Ryback extend-squashes Jinder Mahal by pin. Whatever.

Segment 13: Striker knocks on AJ's door. She's angry at having to answer it, and she's taken off the suit jacket. Striker asks what AJ is going to do about the mess RAW has become. AJ responds by ordering him to tell Cena and ADR that their match tonight will be a Falls Count Anywhere. Striker takes a nanosecond to look confused, so AJ shrieks "GO TELL THEM!" Remind me not to get on her bad side.

Segment 14: DB and Kane hit the ring, then await the Twitter results from before. Naturally, the fans want to see them hug it out... and neither Kane nor DB are pleased. They both have looks of complete resignation on their faces.

Somehow, Mike Chioda is still somehow refereeing this, ordering them to get on with the bromance. It takes entirely too long for them to get on with this, and DB starts off with trying to chest bump him. Kane returns the chest bump after a moment, and this bullshit again continues to go on too long. The idea is funny, but the execution is annoying as shit.

Finally, DB makes the first hug. Kane steadies himself, then they finally get on with a really awkward almost-hug. The fans start screaming "One more time! One more time!," and even the ref isn't satisfied. Miz is trying his damnedest to spew the "rules" of a Hug It Out.

So they finally do, then shake hands, and they're all smiling and happy... then Kane smacks DB's arm, which was intended to be friendly, but he did it a little stiffly. So DB answers a little stronger... so Kane answers a little stronger still. So DB answers with a shove.

Slaps are then thrown, followed by punches, followed by Kane hitting him with a big boot. Moves commence, a brawl happens, and Kane introduces a chair to DB's gut. Kane holds the advantage from there and nails DB with a chokeslam, then grabs the chair and locks it around DB's neck.

Kane starts to go up to the top rope, and all the refs in the world hit the ring to stand between them. DB finally gets his brain in order and recovers, and smacks Kane in the side with the chair. Kane falls to the canvas, and DB hauls ass to the back. Kane smacks the canvas in frustration, and we... well, we've made backwards progress, haven't we?

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro (w/ Aksana) extend-squashes Santino Marella by pin. The only thing you need to know here is that Santino's Cobra strike is apparently ineffective unless he's actually wearing the sock, which runs counter to its success before the sock existed. So, yeah... I think we can see that the Cobra has run its course.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Zack Ryder defeats Heath Slater by pin. Not sure why this match existed, but it was entirely too competitive for my taste. Still basically an extended reverse squash, Zack won with the Rough Ryder.

Post-Segment 16: Immediately after the match, Vickie hits the ring and orders a Stage Monkey to set up a chair for herself in the middle of the ring. After all, she has shit to talk about, and she takes a seat in the middle of the ring as she waits for AJ to address her personal issues with our attractive, petite GM. We're going to commercial before this resolves, though.

Segment 17: Commercials come and go, and Vickie is still alone in the middle of the ring. She takes up the mic again and says that her main problem is actually on behalf of Dolph, saying that it was totally unfair that AJ ordered him to put his Money in the Bank contract on the line last week. Of course, she's not happy about being attacked either.

Vickie calls her out again, and declares that if AJ isn't going to come out to her, she's going to have a conversation with AJ. So she stands up and pulls a Clint Eastwood with the empty chair, except the chair somehow insults her in the process.

Luckily, they don't overplay the joke, as AJ hits the ring immediately. AJ gets a mic and only looks at Vickie sideways, then announces that the Board of Directors gave her a call. Apparently the Board called her actions "juvenile," and that she's no longer allowed to touch any superstar, broadcaster, or anyone else ever again. The Board also wants her to apologize... so she does.

Vickie says that it's super-touching, and asks for clarification as to whether AJ is apologizing for smacking Vickie, or for just being sucky at her job. Vickie, then, demands a personal apology right the hell now.

AJ finally looks at Vickie in the face as the crowd chants "Slap her!," then does indeed give her an apology that borders on insincere. Vickie doesn't like it either, and demands a better one. AJ does give her a better apology... and Vickie slaps her in the face.

AJ wants to fight, but holds herself up. Vickie reminds her that she can't touch her, then slaps her again. AJ does crazy eyes, but again restrains herself. Vickie leaves the ring and skips up the ramp while laughing. Vickie leaves through gorilla.

AJ still freaks out, slaming the mic into the canvas (making it bounce out of the ring), then throws the chair across the ring. Then she changes her mind and starts beating the shit out of the mat with the chair, then flings the chair out of the ring and shrieks. I haven't seen a temper tantrum that awesome since... well, ever. That was great! Since it wasn't in my apartment, anyway.

Yeah, definitely don't want to get on her bad side.

Cut Scene: Miz is clearly a rookie at commentary. As he tried to hype Night of Champions with Michael Cole, we see that Miz moved his mic down under his chin, so you could barely hear the guy when he spoke.

Pre-Segment 18: Cena's pre-entrance words are boringly, "All right, time to go to work!"

Also Pre-Segment 18: Otunga Touted that he's going to sue Sheamus on behalf of Ricardo, and we're going to hear all about it on SmackDown. Joy cookies.

Segment 18 [Falls Count Anywhere Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio defeats John Cena by pin. Some very strange timing, as we went to commercial before the match started, then came back at the tail end of a flurry of back-and-forth. In fact, just as we came back from commercial, the guys clotheslined each other, then stayed down enough that the ref would have started counting a double countout if this had been a standard match. Weird.

So I didn't have very high hopes for this match... but then they went outside the ring, and the match got so good it deserves a proper recap. So that's what I'm going to give you!

First, they left the ring on the west side, and ADR threw Cena into the steps. ADR maintained momentum for a bit, but the brawl went to the east side of the ring, where Cena took control. He threw ADR into those steps, but ADR dodged. Cena followed up though by running off the stairs and jumping off them for a flying lariat. He tried the first pin outside the ring, but only for two.

Cena then remembered this is a no-DQ match, so he cleaned off the commentating table. But he didn't get to use it, as ADR took him down and started kicking him. ADR wanted to suplex him through the table, but Cena countered out, though ADR re-countered by flinging him face-first into the ring post. Miz, finally realizing how to commentate, screamed that ADR had to make the cover.

ADR opted instead to grab a chair, but he missed his attack, and Cena countered by flinging him over the barricade and into the fans. While ADR recovered, Cena set the stairs next to the table. Cena floored ADR as he got back over the barricade, then... uh, I think a fan actually shoved Cena at this point, which popped the crowd. Maybe because the fan was dressed like Randy Savage? I don't know.

Either way, Cena then put ADR on his shoulders and walked him all way over to the stairs, climbed up them, and readied an FU. ADR slipped out and hit him with a back suplex instead, driving Cena through the table. ADR went for the pin but only got two.

ADR then tossed Cena into the ring, then grabbed a mic and started trash-talking him (and got some cheap heat) in the ring. ADR then announced his next move to be the Cross Arm Breaker, but telegraphing your move to your opponent is stupid, so Cena rolled through it and immediately locked him into the STF. ADR panicked and tried to break it by pulling on Cena's armband, but that wasn't happening. In desperation, he grabbed that same mic, then bashed Cena in the head to break the hold.

The fight spilled back out to the west side at that point. ADR suplexed Cena on the steel ramp, but Cena got momentum back by slamming ADR's head on the edge of the stage. Cena grabbed a large speaker near the ramp and tried to use that as a weapon, but ADR kicked him in the leg to make him drop it. ADR maintained momentum as the fight went to backstage.

There, it was back-and-forth for a few seconds, but soon they fought near the interview area. Cena flung ADR face-first into it (nearly taking out the cameraman in the process), then picked up one of the large pieces of metal that served as the scenery. ADR sort of looked at him dumbfounded, then started to run. The metal was much too heavy for Cena to carry, so he dropped it and just followed ADR.

After another turn in the hallway, ADR got the advantage and readied another Cross Arm Breaker, but Cena countered out and FUed ADR onto some boxes. Cena took one step back to collect himself, and CM Punk appeared out of nowhere with a roundhouse to Cena's temple. Punk then pulled ADR off the boxes and flopped him on Cena's carcass, and the ref made the count.

Post-Segment 18: Even though ADR's music played, the guy didn't know where he was. Punk ignored ADR: he picked Cena up onto his shoulders, then walked over a bit to stage right, where he used the hood of his car to give Cena a GTS.

Punk squatted down beside Cena and grumbled "Respect!," then walked over to the car's back doors. He opened it long enough to pull out the WWE Title and posed with it, then got in the car. The car rolled forward a few feet, and the camera panned to show the driver... Paul Heyman! Heyman gives Cena a disgusted look, then drives the car away as we fade out to black.

Final Thoughts: Giving the timing issues and the first few televised minutes of the main event, I wasn't very optimistic. But holy shit, did they deliver with the entire thing. That brawl was worthy of a pay-per-view, and Punk's interference (and Heyman's sudden involvement) is sure as hell intriguing. I'm genuniely interested in next week.

But the rest of the show? Eh, not so much. The anger management thing between Kane and DB is entertaining, but it doesn't seem like anything got accomplished. Kane and DB got back to being enemies, and the rest of the undercard... uh... didn't budge. The main event was absolutely worth it, it's a must-watch, but the rest? You can safely pass.

That's it for me for the night. I'll catch you at the end of the week for SmackDown!

Episode Grade: C (undercard), A (main event)

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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