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Be a Star, Cena... be a Star.
June 5, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

It’s June 4 and I’ve finally watched my first game of the MLB season. The Cubs blew a 2-0 lead to lose 3-2 to the Giants, which I suppose is par for the course, isn’t it? Enjoyable game though, and worth the three hours. [Ed. Note: Starlin Castro is on a couple of my fantasy teams. Boy am I glad that defense and baseball IQ don't exist as categories in fantasy baseball.]

And… uh… that’s about it. I’m recovering from an allergy or cold thing that’s cause me difficulty breathing and a lack of sleep, which sucks. But it’s hardly bad enough to keep me from doing the recap, so let’s get to it.

Segment 1: Michael Cole is in the ring, and he’s here to say that it’s totally John Cena’s fault that Big Show has been beating everyone up. So Cena—returning from a one-week absence—hits the ring to massive cheers. Like, fucking massive. His pre-entrance words are “Let’s start RAW, shall we?” as he does his salute and hits the ring. He has detractors as always, but they’re absolutely being drowned out tonight.

Cena hits the ring and absorbs it for a minute before everyone settles down. Cole opens, as he is wont to do, by saying an inflammatory statement, reminding Cena that Show knocked him out twice in 24 hours a couple weeks ago, first at Over the Limit, then the next night on RAW. But of course, it’s nothing compared to what Show did last week, as he’s beaten the crap out of Brodus Clay, Alex Riley, Santino Marella, R-Truth, and Zack Ryder. Cole’s point is that it all could have been avoided if Cena had just come out to support Show two weeks ago to Johnny Ace, rather than doing an Ace Ventura sketch.

Cena answers with the same thing he did two weeks ago: that sure, he may not have come out that night to blather in Show’s defense, but if Cena had just won the match against Ace at Over the Limit, Ace would have been fired, and whoever came to take his place as GM would have rehired Show instantly.

Cole replies that that’s all a bunch of arrogance, since no one, including Show, could have actually known that would have been the result. But Cena’s too wrapped up in his own ego to look beyond himself: Show did what he had to do to keep himself employed, which is why he signed Ace’s contract and did his bidding. And anyway, Show has now proven that he’s a monster that can’t be stopped, not even by Cena in two weeks at No Way Out.

Cena argues that Show got fired and chose the easy way out; whatever. That we all have tough choices in life, and what Show did was he chose to turn his back on Cena and the fans, not the other way around.

Cole answers by wondering if Cena is just jealous… after all, Show won his match at WrestleMania, and he wasn’t Brock Lesnar’s “punching bag” for twenty minutes. Cole is so offended that he’s done with this interview, but he’s going conclude by saying that Cena is overrated, and should get the shit beaten out of him in that steel cage. (Is that WWE putting the haters’ opinion in Cole’s mouth so they drop it, or Cole just being a good heel? I’m probably over-thinking it.) Cole concludes that Cena can’t touch him, or he’s totally fired.

Before Cena can reply, Ace hits the stage with his People Power Rascal, then says that last week, Show was allowed to pick his own opponent, and tonight, Cena gets to as well. Cena starts to talk, but Ace interrupts him immediately… and this goes on a few times, so I think Ace was trying to out-Cena Cena, which totally didn’t work. Cena does try to get Ace as his opponent, but Ace “reminds” him of something he just pulled out of his ass, as he’s so totally retired after beating Cena at Over the Limit.

“But anyone else is game!” Ace finishes. So obviously, Cena picks Cole. Cole begs for Ace’s help, but Ace just wheels around and drives on to the back as Cena’s music plays them out.

Does… does this mean Cole is going to technically main event RAW?

Now, during the back-and-forth with Cena, Ace mentioned that Show isn’t here because his new contract allows him to take days off, and today is one of those days. It makes me immediately think that we’re going to get a repeat of Over the Limit, and Show is going to magically appear to cause Cena to lose to Cole. WWE wouldn’t be that stupid… would they?

Segment 2: Back from commercials, and Cole has apparently caught up to Ace in the back. Cole is still begging, but Ace is firm, especially because “everyone’s jobs will evaluated soon” (whatever that means) and it’s all about People Power. Cole insists that he loves the people, and the people don’t want to see him get his ass kicked. To which the crowd totally loses it, and Ace hits a perfect “I’m thinking” face that I hope becomes an avatar on the OO Forums. Once the crowd settles, Ace says, “Yes they do,” which makes them lose it again. Probably only the second time Ace has ever been cheered in his life.

Ace orders him back to the announcers’ table and to “prepare for his match,” which seems like mutually exclusive actions, but whatever. Ace speeds off on his Rascal after beeping the horn, which is actually pretty funny, and Cole hits a great offended expression.

Pre-Segment 3: That’s a very nice dress on Vickie Guerrero. I’d like to state for the record that if I got a date with a diva in a contest, and I got Vickie, I wouldn’t be entirely disappointed… unless she was in-character the whole time and I had to deal with the screeching.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Decent match but one-sided. It was basically a reverse of the formula, with Sheamus doing all the early offense rather than a heel beatdown.

We had a neat sequence near the end of the match to signal Dolph starting the heel beatdown sequence. Sheamus tried a short arm clothesline, but Dolph ducked it and hit a jumping DDT. After a failed pin, Dolph went to the top rope for a high-risk move, but Sheamus recovered and punched away at Dolph. Dolph sat on the top rope even as Sheamus climbed up to try a superplex, but Dolph continued to punch away out of desperation, and Sheamus was knocked down to his feet. As he did so, Dolph grabbed a handful of that Irish red hair, then shifted himself so he stood on the middle rope, and then dropped down with a Fame-asser or whatever the hell he’s calling it. It was a silky-smooth sequence that got a good pop from the crowd despite the heel doing it… it’s only a matter of time before he turns, people.

But, uh… that was about it for Dolph’s offense, as Sheamus hit his Five Moves of Doom, including the Blarney Boot for the win.

Post-Segment 3: After the match, Sheamus celebrates his way to the stage… where Alberto Del Rio appears to assault him. Sheamus almost starts to defend himself, but then Ricardo Rodriguez appears too to run distraction. Sheamus winds up falling and banging his head against the bottom of the metal logo thing on the stage, which I don’t think was exactly according to plan.

ADR continues the attack and kicks away at Sheamus. He relents long enough for Sheamus to roll away toward the edge of the stage. ADR lets him… just so he can lock on a modified Cross Arm Breaker with Sheamus off the stage, so Sheamus’s legs are basically on the concrete while his arm is locked in the hold over his own shoulder. Sick spot, and the refs run to Sheamus’s aid as we go to commercial.

Segment 4: Back from commercial, and no immediate word on Sheamus as we see David Otunga find Ace. Otunga says that WWE.com reports that Vince McMahon himself will be on RAW next week, specifically to give Ace a job evaluation. Ace says nothing but looks like he ate a bug as we fade to the next segment.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Sin Cara defeats Hunico (w/ Camacho) by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Well, nothing special for Cara, anyway. He did all right, but there is still that little delay between spots that just barely noticeable. Ring rust, I suppose… or maybe Cara has always been like that.

Cara played well with Hunico, which really should be an obvious statement, but the point is they both looked good. Cara especially, since Hunico wasn’t allowed to do anything flashy, being a heel and all. The match ended with the same tilt-a-whirl arm breaker from SmackDown, so I guess that really is Cara’s new finisher. I hope the top rope C4 makes its return some time.

Cut Scene: Seems like they’re going to start doing “Memories of 1000 RAWs” from here on out, starting with Cena reminiscing of his first appearance on RAW after being drafted from SmackDown. Kinda cool, I’m looking forward to seeing what others say too.

Pre-Segment 6: Some Guy and Some Other Guy recite a poem together, although the dude holding the mic keeps it under his own mouth, so the other guy keeps having to lean over uncomfortably close to be heard. Heh.

Segment 6 [1-on-2 Handicap Match, Tornado Rules]: Ryback squashes Some Guy & Some Other Guy by pin. Next. [Ed. Note: "FEED HIM~!"]

Pre-Segment 7: In the next match, which is CM Punk vs. Kane, “there must be a winner,” whatever that means. Punk hits the ring first as Cole calls Ace one more time to try to beg off the match, to which Ace replies by hanging up on him. Heh.

Punk awaits Kane, but to no one’s surprise, it’s Daniel Bryan who pops out. He grabs a mic from the timekeeper, then stands on the commentators’ table to talk some shit. Nothing that bears repeating, don’t worry. Good to know that DB is staying ringside to watch the match though.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats CM Punk by pin. It’s no fluke: Kane and Punk work really well together. Very solid match made better with an incredibly hot crowd. Kane showed more technical prowess than usual, as he applied at least two or three proper submission holds at various times, not just rest holds.

DB mainly stayed to himself until the very end, when the fight spilled outside. Kane was the first to his feet and got back in the ring, and as the ref busied himself with talking to Kane for no reason, DB ran up and kicked Punk twice in the ribs. Points for subverting the trope though, because DB sat on his ass and didn’t move to strike until well after he “should” have. I honestly thought they were going to avert it entirely and DB wouldn’t be a jerk at all, but no dice.

Anyway, despite Punk getting kicked a couple times, he managed to reverse a chokeslam into a roundhouse kick. Even after a Macho Man Elbow Drop however, he still couldn’t close the deal. That’s when AJ ran out to tell the ref what DB did, not that the ref could really do anything.

Well, DB walked over to yell at AJ, and Punk took that chance to do a suicide dive through the ropes to take DB down. Punk slammed DB’s head against the barricade a couple times for good measure, then got back in the ring. By then, Kane had recovered, hit the chokeslam clean, and made the pin.

Post-Segment 7: After the match, AJ slid in the ring to check on Punk. Kane started to leave, but then turned to face her. AJ accepted the female bylaws of professional wrestling and immediately sat on her ass too scared to move. Sigh.

DB then slid in the ring and attacked Kane from the back, but was quickly dispatched. Kane returned his glare or gaze on AJ, but then, she actually stood up. Okay, I guess she’s not following the bylaws… instead, she whips out those puppy dog eyes (not literally, though that would be pretty intense even for ECW) and gives a smile and flirty hair tease, which would make me do pretty much anything she wanted me to do.

Kane looks confused, and just leaves. AJ looks confused also, which is weird… maybe she didn’t realize it would work? As Kane leaves, AJ again checks on Punk, who is still down. DB just looks totally confused from outside the ring.

Segment 8: Back from commercial, and AJ is walking through the back. Josh Mathews intercepts her and asks what that was all about in the ring. She actually applies the same flirty look to Josh, and says that she likes when men look at her. He doesn’t at first, so she firmly grabs his tie and barks “Look at me!”

He does (and also looks like he just sniffed a wildebeest’s taint), and AJ is all smiles again, then angrily asks if he likes aggressive women, admits that she does, then angrily says he might be her type before shoving him away.

Weird. I guess that’s what she’s going for, but that was a little too random.

Segment 9: We get a vignette of Big Show doing an interview with someone faceless to basically recap his character.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeat Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks by pin. The referee for this match was some black guy whose name I don’t know, and I’m pretty sure it’s not Awesome Ref Justin King. Which brings me to my point: where the hell has Justin King been? And why isn’t he on my TV anymore?

The match was decent but nothing special. The main story here is that that Truth and Kofi are still a little sore from their assault from Big Show. Really, it was a way to hand-wave the fact that Hawkins and Reks aren’t exactly a credible threat. The faces won pretty handily.

Pre-Segment 11: Cena hits the ring for his match with Michael Cole, who is still sitting at the announcers’ table in his suit. As Cena makes his entrance, Cole still tries to beg off.

That’s when Ace appears on the stage again on his Rascal. Ace says he not only delivers excitement, but he over-delivers. And so, his match against Cole will be a no-DQ match!

…Assuming Cena can beat Tensai, right now. Of course.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats Tensai (w/ Sakamoto) by pin. Standard Cena match, with Cole being… uh… very dedicated to his role. He even got in a slap to Cena’s face behind the ref’s back. Ultimately though, Cena did his Five Moves of Doom and finished Tensai with the FU.

Post-Segment 11 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats Michael Cole by pin. Fun comedy match that saw Cole take a couple Shh Cops and get doused with some of Jim Ross’s barbeque sauce, but Cena had a little too much fun. Tensai never left, and he got in the ring long enough to hit him with a two-handed chokeslam. So Cole quickly crawled over to make the pin…

But no! Cena kicks out! Cole grabs a fire extinguisher that Cena had used earlier and tries to smack Cena in the face with it. But Cena ducks the strike and hits him with the FU, then makes the pin.

Final Thoughts: Good crowd-pleasing finish, above-average episode overall, but it the main event segment just wasn’t as hot as the Punk/Kane match. I’m actually looking forward to their match at No Way Out with DB. Or rather, I would, if I could afford it.

Next week’s RAW not only features the return of Vince McMahon, but it’s going to be three hours long. May as well get my practice in since we’re going that long permanently in a month and a half…

See you this weekend, guys.

Episode Grade: B+ (Punk/Kane match), B- (overall)


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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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