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Go Out There and Win One for the Edgester
April 10, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

Segment 1: We’re opening up with Teddy Long of all people… and the contract signing segment between Brock Lesnar and John Cena? Huh, that’s different; normally that segment goes for the main event. As always, I’ll shortcut this stupidity…

Cena hits the ring first, and then Brock… wait, the hell? Johnny Ace pops out. He berates T-Long, apparently because Lesnar isn’t even here yet. Long is confused and wants to know why Ace would even send him out there and decorate the ring with a table and chairs if Lesnar isn’t here. Ace replies that he has no idea what Long is talking about. Besides, Ace says that this “might even be Cena’s last day in WWE,” so they’ll only do the contract signing once Lesnar gets to the arena, and on Lesnar’s own terms. Weird… I wonder what that’s all about.

Ace orders Long to order Cena to get out of the ring, if you followed that. Ace is in full-on dick mode tonight apparently, but he changes to his face smile as he thanks us for being here and that it’s all about People Power! What that means—


…Holy shit, Edge? Dude looks good with short hair, and he makes a full entrance, dancing around the stage and totally ignoring Ace’s presence. He gets a massive pop, and even Cena applauds him as he gets in the ring. Edge says he’s not supposed to be here tonight, and for that matter, in a few days his WWE contract runs completely out. (Was that just a carry-over from his existing contract, and he’s been riding paychecks during retirement? Or a special contract for WrestleMania? Or, hell, was it just a deus ex machina?) [Ed. Note: his existing Active Wrestler Contract remained in effect last year after his injury. It's expiring next week. After that, I'm sure there will be an informal/legends deal with his name on it, keeping him tied to WWE... albeit with the newfound freedom to book his own gigs for conventions/autograph signings/etc. that he hasn't had the past year.]

Edge is here to talk to Cena and, apparently, breathe uncomfortably into the mic. Edge is here to talk to “a certain John Cena,” and not the one standing in front of him. See, Edge wants to talk to the Cena who was his “greatest rival ever in this industry.” The Cena who, after Edge slapped his dad, beat him in Edge’s hometown by flinging him through two tables off the top of a ladder.

Edge figures this pussy Cena must have materialized after his loss to The Rock, since guys change after such losses. He cites Hulk Hogan changing after losing to Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3, and Bret Hart after the Montreal Screwjob, and even Rock himself after losing to Brock Lesnar whenever that happened. Edge admits that they might be polar opposites, but one thing they do have in common was their desire to be professional wrestlers.

But Brock? Fuck that guy. He doesn’t care about wrestling, or the fans; all he cares about is money. He left for eight years while Cena and Edge were the ones who carried the company. So it’s gut check time, homie; you need to beat the shit out of Lesnar, else it’s a slap in the face to guys like Undertaker, like Shawn Michaels, like Edge himself! Edge screams “WAKE UP!”

And holy shit, the promo is working. Cena entered the arena to unanimous boos, and now he’s got a solid (albeit mostly female) chant of “Cena! Cena!” without a “sucks!” suffix.

That’s enough from Edge, who then just leaves without bothering to wait for a response. Cena looks conflicted but thoughtful, and his eyes are even a little moist and reflected as Edge’s music plays him out. Huh.

That reminds me of the fucking amazing promo Mick Foley delivered to Edge, back when Edge was a face and needed to dig deep and be an asshole. I actually forgot the context, so I had to pause everything and do a little research (gotta love Windows 7’s ability to search within documents and my own OCD need to keep literally everything I’ve ever written). Looks like it was back in 2008, specifically August 1, when Edge was supposed to be going up against Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell. Here’s a link!

This one wasn’t as intense, and it didn’t quite hit home as well, but Edge proves he’s still got his mic skills.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Kofi Kingston by submission. VERY solid match. Nothing super noteworthy, but it was a great match that’s definitely worth your time to watch. They guys totally clicked, and Kofi must have drank a Red Bull before the match.

Still, it wasn’t enough. During the end game, Kofi was on the apron and went for a vaulting springboard something-or-other, but Jericho caught him in midair and delivered a Codebreaker. Kofi was “knocked the fuck out” as you kids like to say, but Jericho slapped on the Walls of Jericho just to be a jerk. Kofi tapped, though more accurately could be called “lightly flailing his arm” since he was 99% unconscious. Good stuff.

After the match, Jericho talked some shit, since beating the hell out of Kofi clearly shows he’s better than CM Punk. Apparently, Y2J has sent Punk a present to commemorate the occasion.

Segment 3: Johnny Ace is blathering into his cell phone in the back, but then Eve arrives. Small talk ensues, which includes Johnny saying what I thought was “I’ve had opening-night menstruation and I think you’d be interested.”

After bleaching my brain and rewinding the DVR, I heard him correctly: “I have an opening in my administration.” I see. He elaborates that he wants an “executive administrator.” Eve isn’t so sure about that, but she likes the adjective “executive,” so she accepts (despite not knowing what the hell her duties might be).

Johnny wants to celebrate with a hug, but Eve shuts him down with a handshake. If it was anyone else, I’d make a joke about Eve leaving the guy with blue balls, but I’ve already done more than enough thinking on Ace’s genitals for one night.

Segment 4: Same video package of Brock Lesnar doing his pseudo-heelish shtick while seeing random video montages.

Segment 5: CM Punk is in the locker room, brooding about something. Josh Mathews arrives and asks what the gift was that Jericho sent him. Punk presents a gift basket full of alcohol, apparently called a “liquor basket,” which I never realized was a thing. [Ed. Note: I don't think it is, otherwise, I'd have received one by now. Whoever did Jericho's shopping for him did an excellent job, though: that basket was nothing but whiskey! No ladydrinks here! Every whiskey under the sun -- Jack, Irish, bourbon, Scotch, and I even think I noticed the distinctive shape of a Crown Royale bottle of Jericho's home country whiskey -- but nary a drop of vodka or tequilla to be found! Manly!] Punk says that if Jericho wants to play gift exchange, Punk will be more than happy to hand-deliver it to Jericho’s face in Chicago.

Regardless, Punk is going to regift this stupidity since he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he hands it to Josh while wishing him a happy birthday and joyous Kwanza. Josh looks like he won the lottery and runs off.

I notice that Punk kept one bottle of whiskey during that exchange and never put it back in the basket. I’m curious if that’s going to be a plot point. Jericho would be an idiot not to mention it.

Pre-Segment 6: Lord Tensai cuts a pre-recorded pre-match to-camera interview, but he speaks Japanese. I have a friend who speaks the language but I feel like a douche for constantly asking her to translate, so I’m just going to let it go. It was probably just a vanilla promo to put himself over, but it sounded extra-angry.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Lord Tensai squashes R-Truth by pin. Nope.

Segment 7: Kane hits the ring to cut a promo against Randy Orton. He says that Orton obviously has no chance since he (Orton) couldn’t even beat him with rules at WrestleMania, and will certainly lose at a no-rules match. Besides, Kane finally knows Orton’s real weakness: family issues.

Kane blathers for a while, and then Orton appears on the Titantron. Orton says that apparently “once you mess with my family, there’s no going back.” This of course flies in the face of the fact that Orton himself once beat the crap out of his dad, so by that logic, he needs to RKO himself. Which he’s probably done on a number of occasions.

Anyway, Orton says that after Kane assaulted Bob Orton, the favor needed to be returned. So we zoom out, and holy shit, there’s Paul Bearer! Looking worse for wear though, as his mouth is duct-taped and he’s tied up in a chair. Poor guy is always getting the ass-end of advanced interrogation techniques, isn’t he?

So Orton rolls—yes, rolls, apparently Paul is in what can only be Zack Ryder’s former wheelchair—Paul into a freezer. Presumably, it’s the freeze that hold’s the arena’s food supply, not a stupid prop with an overactive fog machine.

Orton looks angrily at the camera as he encourages Kane to retrieve his father, but nope: Kane just laughs and says that Orton never ceases to amaze him. But Kane is evil, and his “true father will always be the devil.” So Kane has no love for the man and has no intention of saving him. Blow the corner pyros, and Kane is out.

Wow, that… that last line of Kane’s was unexpected and neat. Kane’s shtick tends to annoy me or bore me, but that was unique enough be interesting.

Oh wait, we’re not done after all. Orton apparently figures that if Kane won’t come to him, then he’ll bring the fight to him! So Orton hits ringside, dominates Kane, then finds another metal pipe under the ring similar to the one Kane used against Bob Orton. Randy uses it several times, even knocking Kane over the barricade. Kane escaped the rough the crowd, though he seemingly forgot to keep selling it as he reached the upper decks. Whoops.

Orton celebrated, then the cameras cut to the commentators to reset the show. All of a sudden, for no on-screen reason, the Estrogen Brigade collectively lost their shit, and possibly their hymens. I have a feeling that Orton took off his shirt and flung it into the crowd.

Segment 8: After a commercial, we see Jericho WALKING~!, and Alex Riley (haven’t seen him in a while!) appears. Alex plays narc and reports to Jericho that he just saw Punk drinking that whisky from before. Jericho calls bullshit, and walks with Alex to Punk’s locker room. Jericho gently cracks the door, and we see Punk standing by a table with the bottle of whiskey on it. Punk is drinking from a red plastic cup, not the bottle, but Jericho is putting two and two together. He’s shocked, but pleased.

Does this mean a heel turn—or at least relevancy—for A-Ri again?

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Big Show & Khali defeat Cody Rhodes & Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin. Decent match story-wise. Khali was useless and served as the false face in peril, but he quickly tagged out.

Show was quickly the true face in peril when he was knocked out of the ring and both Cody (who was illegal at the time) and Ricardo started beating the shit out of him, focusing on the left knee. I think Mike Chioda actually saw this happen but had to quickly turn away to sell that he didn’t notice.

Cody was the aggressor from there, and he targeted Show’s knee. The best part was that Cody applied an honest-to-God Figure Four on him, which would normally look weird, but Cody applied it well. Well, he slipped his left leg off Show’s exposed ankle toward the end, and Show continued to sell the full power anyway. But Cody quickly recovered and made it look convincing again.

Show finally powered out by sitting up and just doing a WMD, albeit to Cody’s chest. At this point, I think they missed a step, because Cody jumped up and pretty much no-sold it after the initial shock. Given that it’s Show’s alternate finisher, I think it would have been cooler if Cody had continued selling the chest, like he was having trouble breathing or something.

But, whatever… Cody just started stomping the crap out of Show, but now that the Figure Four was off, Show started to come back. In fact, he was on such a roll that ADR and RR just straight up left, watching the carnage from the ramp. Meanwhile, Cody ate a Brain Chop from Khali, followed by a clean chokeslam from Show. Ain’t no one getting up from that.

Segment 10: After commercials, Jericho is meeting with Johnny Ace, Eve, and Teddy Long. Jericho insists that because he saw Punk drink, Punk should lose his title. Ace isn’t so sure, but Eve chimes in that she so totally read that no one on the roster is supposed to drink alcohol within twelve hours of a WWE event. Reporters are still looking for Eve’s goatse pictures from which she pulled that rule. [Ed. Note: that's a real rule and is part of the Wellness Program. WWE can't stop you from drinking after work... but they're within their rights to suspect you've got a problem if you're throwing 'em down as soon as you roll out of bed.]

Ace for once has some form of logic, stating that just stripping him of the title might result in Punk bringing forth a lawsuit. So Jericho suggests they grab one of the cops who are running around, stick him in the ring, and make Punk take a field sobriety test. “And when Punk fails… which he will, because he’s been drinking…” What an adorable clause! Jericho said the accented words in a sing-songy voice. Heh.

Anyway, Jericho wants Punk stripped as soon as he so totally fails the test. Oh, and Jericho will so totally take the title at that point.

Ace actually agrees to this nonsense, so Jericho thanks Ace and hits on Eve. Jericho leaves, and Long looks like he’s sucking a sour look on his face. Eve explains to Ace that while Long was running SmackDown, he’d frequently look the other way on alcohol violations, which is so totally not how Johnny does things.

Long does speak his mind, rhetorically asking whether Ace is serious about holding a public in-ring sobriety test on the WWE Champion. Ace says of course not: Teddy will be the one running it. Because “if there’s bad news to distribute, get someone else to do it!”

Teddy leaves, and Eve sidles up to Johnny. She tells him that she’s got some sort of idea about something. That can’t be good.

Segment 11: Brock Lesnar has arrived. Josh heads him off and asks where he was when the night started. Brock says nothing and tries to walk away, but Josh cuts him off again. Josh this time asks if Brock loses, will he no longer be the face of WWE?

This causes Brock to grab Josh by the throat and shove him against what I think is the production truck. But Brock just pats him on the face and starts to leave. Josh rights himself and starts to walk away, dejectedly saying “I was just trying to do my job.”

Well, Brock heard that and is an asshole, so he grabs Josh and flings him face-first into the conveniently placed RAW interview set nearby. Josh lies in a heap as Brock looks on, then starts to head elsewhere backstage.

The hell was that all about? Attempted cheap heat?

Segment 12: Back from commercial, and holy shit, that wasn’t exactly cheap heat. Josh is doing a full-blown stretcher job, and even Michael Cole is selling this as a heinous (HEINOUS~!) act. Huh.

Pre-Segment 13: Nikki Bella is in the ring with Brie Bella, both sporting rather exquisite camel toes. Nikki is the one officially in this match, Beth hits the ring next, and they’re ready to get this singles match underway.

Except, here comes Eve first. She says that because she’s the new Executive Administrator, and since most of the divas are useless balls of shit, this match is now officially a championship match, and now a lumberjill match. Yay?

Oh, yes, it’s definitely yay, because RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!!

Segment 13 [Lumberjack Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Nikki Bella defeats Beth Phoenix by pin, and is the NEW Divas Champion! Rick mentioned a week or so ago via editor’s note that the Bellas have given their notice that they won’t be renewing their contracts when they expire in a month. Strange that they would give one of them the title.

Stranger still was the end of the match. For the most part, the lumberjacks (because I refuse to type “lumberjills” again even though I already did once) stayed out of it. The final spot saw Beth on her back near the west apron, and Nikki charged her. Beth pulled down the middle rope, which caused Nikki to eliminate herself.

Beth went to follow… and immediately collapsed on her left ankle after having a seriously shocked face of pain. Brie was outside the ring and right there, ostensibly being one of the lumberjacks, and she started to move toward Beth. Beth sold the ankle for a little too long as Nikki crawled around outside the ring, also for a little too long. After you’ve watched wrestling for years, you instinctively know certain timings on spots, and when something has gone wrong.

For Beth’s part, she continued holding her ankle and trying to deal with it. Slightly off-camera to the right (but still in-frame), someone held up a single finger in the universal Broad Gesture of “wait a second” to Brie. Brie held up and just continued to watch Beth for a while, not moving, not saying anything.

After about fifteen seconds, which is a shit-ton of time when you’re talking about a live TV program when suddenly nothing happens, Beth finally starts to grab Nikki’s hair. That’s when Brie comes over, and Beth shoves her in the face. This Brie recover and clothesline Beth, and all the other divas including My Rosa dog piles on her.

I don’t think Twin Magic was at play, but soon one Bella (I’m assuming Nikki) managed to get back in the ring. The lumberjacks separated and went about their own way, leaving Beth in a heap and still selling that ankle. Brie then started to pick her up and toss her in the ring, but again Beth’s foot just gave out, making them both collapse. That… that was weird.

So Brie shrieks like a banshee as she, I don’t know, Hulks up I guess, and finally manages to sort of kind of dumb Beth onto the apron. Beth rolls the rest of the way in, the sits up and holds her ankle.

And now comes the reason I think the whole thing might be a well-played work, because The Awesome Ref Justin King runs over and loudly asks if Beth can continue. Beth is half-crying and affirms that she can, but Nikki just instantly rolls her up for three. Your winner and new champion, ladies and gentlemen!

As Nikki and Brie celebrate, King continues to check on Beth. We see neither the Crossed Arms of Doom nor the Single Fist of Health, so I have a feeling it was a work. If it was, holy shit, well played, Beth. My money is on a legit injury [Ed. Note: you lose!], though I wager that was the match finish either way since they wouldn’t just audible a title change (especially not for the divas, and especially not for divas who are leaving soon) so suddenly.

As an EMT arrives to check on Beth, they say that Beth was longest-reigning Divas Champion, and now that’s over. I highly doubt they would have had that go-to factoid if that hadn’t been the intended match finish, but again… was the injury legit or just a work?

Segment 14: Teddy Long is talking to CM Punk in the locker room. Punk is pissy and slurring all his words as he’s told about the sobriety test, and he throws a temper tantrum that even toddlers would be confused about. Punk flips over his little table and starts assaulting his locker with a chair before collapsing inside it. Inside the locker, duh, not inside the chair.

So, okay, he’s acting drunk. But is he acting or is he hammered? The sobriety test is next, so we’re about to see.

Also: I’ve never been instantly hammered before, and I rarely drink. Can you really lose your shit that fast with the right proof?

Segment 15: Ads come and go, and we’re in the ring with a couple uniformed cops and Teddy Long. Long calls out Punk, but Jericho pops out first. Jericho says that any time Long is in a position of power, he just fucks it all up, so he’s out here to make sure everything is done right. Besides, after the title is stripped, Jericho wants the title handed to him personally.

Long agrees to that, then calls out Punk again. Punk does his best Scott Hall impression, really nailing that heel-toe walk when you’re really trying to maintain balance. Punk manages to balance himself on the ropes okay, then drops the title in the ring before speaking. Punk says that Long “is not even cool” for doing this totally ridiculous.

Punk’s first task is to recite the alphabet backwards, to which he responds “Has anyone in the history of the alphabet ever recited it backwards?” Ha! But Punk totally fails it, because he insists that no one can do that drunk or sober.

So failing that, we’ve got a straight red line in the middle of the ring, and Punk needs to walk it. Punk’s response: “What line?” Both cops and Jericho flip out at that, but Punk protests, “Just relax! I didn’t see it, all right? The line is never there!” Fucking hilarious, but it doesn’t translate well into text. Punk even interacts with the crowd, as someone shouts “You can do it!,” Punk replies on the mic, “I know I can do it. I’ve seen COPS before, this is easy!”

Punk fails three times, so Jericho insists that Punk is drunk, so Long so totally needs to do his damn job and give him the title. The cops agree that Punk is “obviously intoxicated,” so they leave as Punk blows a raspberry. Heh.

Long then looks at Punk asks him for the title as Jericho continues to call him “CM Drunk.” Punk longingly looks at the title and pleads off-mic to Long. But finally, Punk does hand the title to Long, and Jericho continues to excitedly demand that he take the belt.

As Long hands him the title, Punk stops him for “one last chance.” Jericho denies it, but Punk sort of just takes it upon himself to do it. And not only does he recite the alphabet backwards (almost), he walks the line forward and backward, including with a little Ric Flair strut at one point. And finally on “A,” he smacks Jericho in the head with the mic and starts beating the shit out of him.

Jericho just never gets ground, and Punk stays completely on offense, even as the fight spills to the ramp. Jericho takes a slight tumble off it, then runs away around the stage. Punk is satisfied and holds the title above his head. Lawler, ever proving to be a moron, says that he totally didn’t see that coming.

Okay, so that was a foregone conclusion and a little long, but it was awfully entertaining. Punk faking drunkenness is more fun than most people actually drunk.

Pre-Segment 16: Okay, so the next match is Sheamus vs. Mark Henry. Both guys hit the ring, but there’s no referee. Justin Roberts announces that the referee for this match… is Daniel Bryan.

Now, why the hell is Cole suddenly for this? Cole has been anti-DB even while DB has been a heel, and now he’s happy about this? Even started chanting “Yes! Yes!”? Dumb. So dumb.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry reverse-squashes Sheamus by pin. So you may recall that a few weeks ago, Sheamus gave a ref a Blarney Boot. His punishment, per Johnny Ace, was to be fined a half-mil and be on “permanent probation” so if he ever touched another ref, he’d be fired.

So with DB acting as a ref, he sat back and watched Sheamus beat the hell out of Mark Henry, then started taunting Sheamus. Sheamus wanted to smack him, but managed to withhold his temper. But while they were having a Staredown of Intense Rivalry, Henry came up and forearmed Sheamus in the back, then made the cover. DB counted to three in a nanosecond.

Post-Segment 16: DB tore off his ref shirt and threw it in Sheamus’s face. Well, Sheamus isn’t an idiot and knows that since DB is no longer a ref, he can’t be fired for attacking him. So Sheamus beats the crap out of him outside the ring, then throws him back in. Sheamus goes to follow, but Henry is still there, so Sheamus Blarney Boots him.

But now DB had that moment of recovery, so he chop-blocks Sheamus, then slaps on the Yes! Lock. And he does it to massive cheers and chants of “Yes!” But after he finally lets go, DB gets massive boos as he leaves the ring. Then on the stage, as he starts screaming “Yes!” over and over, the fans cheer him again and say “Yes!” along with him.

I think what’s going on is that the pro-DB fans are so insanely loud that they can drown out the ones who are booing, but don’t have the lung capacity to go as long as they want. I bet it’ll be a decidedly mixed discussion for the rest of however long they’re going to keep DB a heel.

Segment 17: After commercials, Sheamus is WALKING~! and is cut off by Matt Striker. Sheamus isn’t having this shit, and he just calls DB a sniveling coward who hid behind a referee’s shirt tonight. Then he says that DB is just a snake, and we all know what happened to snakes in Ireland. He concludes that he isn’t a saint, but DB should start praying anyway. Nice line.

Pre-Segment 18: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! Oh baby, you decided to pull double duty just for me? I’m touched!

Segment 18 [Tag Match]: Santino Marella & Zack Ryder defeat Epico & Primo (w/ My Rosa Mendes) by pin. The tag team equivalent of a reverse-squash, it was a fairly sweet match. Ryder continues to improve in the ring. He’s not doing anything fancy, but he’s crisp and technically sound. Also: I sort of enjoy seeing My Rosa freak out when her team loses.

Segment 19: After commercials, we see Kane WALKING~! in the back. Or rather, limping, since he’s selling the ribs. As he walks along, he spots the freezer from before. Kane considers things, then decides to open it. He rolls Paul out, who is shivering and seizing. Paul asks, “Kane! You’re here to save me?” Kane responds: “Yes, I’m going to save you… from me!” Then he rolls him back in, shuts the freezer, and walks away. Ugh.

Segment 20: Epico and Primo are arguing in the back, not that I care since My Rosa is in frame. That’s when Abraham Washington arrives and tells them to shut the hell up. He points out that they’re the tag champs, but their entrance wasn’t even televised! And that they were passed over for WrestleMania! They’re being treated like jokes!

That makes all three of them flip out, but AW just says for them to consider calling him if they want some direction. The guys do consider it as they fight over who gets to read the business card first, while My Rosa acts as if the business card smells of elderberries.

Segment 21 [A Very Special Standard Tag Match brought to you for no goddamn reason by Taco Bell and their bitchingly awesome new Doritos Locos Tacos, which are basically the second-greatest thing you can possibly buy there (the first is a Volcano Taco of course) assuming you don’t get the supreme version or put hot sauce on it since that’s WAY too much spice (not “hot spice,” but “spice spice”, like eating directly out of a jar of onion powder), and holy shit now I wish my Taco Bell’s dining room was open at 1:06am since I don’t have a car to run through the drive-through and I wasn’t hungry several hours ago when they were open so I guess WWE’s stupid promotional thing worked even though I’m hoping they don’t turn this into a weekly thing since that would piss me off faster than a hardcore Catholic on a Colombian road trip who decides to room with the Secret Service]: Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle (w/ Naomi & Irrelevant) defeat Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by disqualification. Nothing happened. Brodus kicked ass, tagged out to Horny who got his ass kicked, then tagged back in. Brodus then went house of fire, kicked ass, and… well, and then Vickie got in the ring to slap Brodus. There’s the DQ.

So then she tries to apologize as Naomi and Irrelevant surround her. The girls and Brodus seem placated, but Hornswoggle bites her ass. Let me repeat that for emphasis: the midget bit the woman’s ass. Welcome to the modern era of WWE, kids! [Ed. Note: I doubt it tasted any worse than a Doritos Locos Taco. *rimshot* Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here all week.]

Segment 22: Time for the contract signing segment for reals. Except, no… first up is yet another replay of that Brock Lesnar montage.

Segment 23: Okay, now we’ve got the contract signing segment. As always with these stupid things, I’ll shorthand them unless something really interesting happens.

Ace hits the ring and talks some shit, Lesnar hits the ring, Cena… doesn’t hit the ring? Huh, that’s different. Lesnar talks some shit centering around that Cena is obviously so totally scared of him, and then brings up something that they need to discuss. He encourages Ace to sit at the table across from Lesnar to discuss why he was “tardy” tonight.

See, Lesnar wants some changes to WWE. Ace thinks that they already had an agreement, but Lesnar disagrees and presents him a list of “business changes.” And if those changes don’t happen, he totally won’t sign the contract. He is no longer “the naïve farm boy” he was the first time he was around. He knows he’s a brand, and since WWE needs him, so he gets to make the rules.

First: Ace doesn’t make any decisions anymore, he must go through Lesnar. Second: Lesnar gets to fly Vince McMahon’s jet around. Third: he gets to show up to the show whenever he wants. Fourth: he’s immune from being fined for any reason and, in fact, gets paid more cash.

Lesnar wants to conclude, but holy shit does the fans scream “You suck! You suck!” Lesnar ignores the fans but just bluntly tells Ace that that shit won’t bother him.

But Lesnar gets to point five, which is apparently “at the end of section 3, exhibit A,” proving Lesnar is still a moron even if he does have “it.” He declares that there will be a name change to the show: from now on, it shall be called “Monday Night RAW: Starring Brock Lesnar.” And if Ace agrees, then Lesnar will sign the contract.

Ace… agrees? Huh. Not only does he shake Lesnar’s hand, he speaks into the mic that he does agree to the terms. Lesnar goes ahead and happily signs the contract, and the fans fire up a loud “Cena! Cena!” chant.

And now Cena’s music fires up again, with Cena finally popping out of the back. One interesting change? He’s lost the dog tags and replaced them with his thick chain and padlock. It’s subtle, and the rest of his outfit is the same, but we get it.

Cena hits the ring and pulls off his chain. Lesnar lounges as Cena looks at him with… pity, I think. Cena wraps the chain around his right hand as most fans are cheering for him (though there are still some boos). They try the dueling chants again, the “Cena sucks!” part is quieter than normal.

Cena moves the chair out of his way and looks at the contract as Lesnar looks on. Cena doesn’t sign though. Meanwhile, Lesnar gives us a very Laurinaitis line, verbatim:

I’m getting a vibration coming from you. And I’m liking what I’m feeling! I like it a lot, John! You know why? You know what I’m sensing? This is real, John. This is a real feeling that you’re feeling because I can feel it!

Whatever. The point is, Lesnar is sure that Cena is scared. Lesnar is sure he’s the reason Cena lost last week, and is the reason Cena is feeling all frightened right now. Lesnar continues to bitch, and Cena quickly signs the contract and whips it into Lesnar’s chest. Lesnar readies a stance, as does Cena.

Lesnar however just laughs, then circles the ring and walks away as he and Cena stare each other down. Finally, Lesnar just leaves, and boos cascade around the arena. As they continue a Staredown of Intense Rivalry, we fade out.

Final Thoughts: Holy crap, it’s almost two in the morning. And I’ve broken 6000 words already, so I don’t think there’s much for me to say that I didn’t already.

Well, other than this: if you’re a Lesnar fan, you’re probably really digging this. I know what the guy is really capable of, but again, I haven’t seen any of his matches. (I’ve been bad and haven’t done that research I said I would.) So I don’t know how excited I “should” be about this Sunday’s match between the two. I know Cena can brawl with the best and Lesnar can make it look legit, so it should be pretty damn good, but we’ll see.

So I guess next week’s RAW will actually be called “Monday Night RAW: Starring Brock Lesnar?” We’ll see how that plays out. [Ed. Note: with a contract that only obligates him to fewer than 30 appearances over the next year, roughly half those RAWs won't be starring Brock Lesnar. So my guess is no. Brock may start taking nights off as soon as next week, even. He only plays the big towns, brother. Does Dayton qualify?]

Oh, also, there’s going to be a rematch between Mark Henry and Sheamus since this one, uh, didn’t really happen right tonight. Other than that, no notes for next week.

We’ll have the recap for SmackDown as usual, and Rick will take the Extreme Rules recap since I’m already broke enough this month. I’ll see you this weekend guys… but for now? Sleep is calling.

Episode Grade: B+


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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