Looks like my instinct was right… my day job is giving me another very extended, unpaid vacation just because they want to save some money. One was great; two starts to get a little questionable with my finances. I’m still okay, and I can survive without a paycheck, but if it becomes three, I’ll need to start worrying a bit.

For now though, there is no reason to worry. The only day I work this week is Friday, which means I’ll be off for (and will probably write the recap of) Royal Rumble this Sunday. I’ll be watching it alone, but I’ll do it right with TGIFridays cheese sticks and such. Even better, I have the Sunday following that off, which means I’ll be able to watch the Giants/Patriots Super Bowl rematch. I know that’s happened before (Cowboys/Bills comes to mind), but it’s not common, and I’m looking forward to it.
  

Thanks to Wal-Mart’s heavy scheduling leading up to Christmas, I’ve worked every Sunday during the regular season and most of the playoffs. The only game I’ve seen all season in its entirety is the Steelers/Ravens game from whichever Monday night it was. Other than that, any football I’ve seen all year has been a minute here and a minute there, or highlights; I haven’t even seen a full quarter. So I’m definitely looking forward to the next two Sundays, between which I should be getting a chunk of my book done now that I’ve got a second chance.

All right, enough talking about myself… I’ve noticed I’m doing that more and more in these precaps and I need to stop. For now, let’s get to RAW, the last one before Royal Rumble!

Segment 1: CM Punk hits the ring to open our show tonight. After lightly putting over the Royal Rumble (apparently this is the 25th one!), he goes on to the title match… himself versus Dolph Ziggler, who is claiming to have beaten him three times in the last month. Punk concedes he has lost to Dolph, but says that if you look past the mere L column, you can see it was Johnny Ace’s doing.

Punk says that good old Johnny is a failure at pretty much everything, including failing at life. But after that, he at least told the truth: while having a tantrum to Mick Foley, he admitted he would screw over Punk on Sunday. But the thing is, Punk doesn’t think he has to be screwed, since he knows that it would be hard for Ace to be a guest referee if Ace has two broken arms.

So Punk calls Ace out right now, and he just wants Ace to repeat what he said last week, but to Punk’s face in the ring. We wait for a moment, but he never pops up. Punk isn’t surprised, so he says he’s just going to find Ace now.

And, uh, here comes John Cena? Cena doesn’t have his spark; he does do his little salute on the stage, but walks to the ring and rather peacefully gets in the ring as Punk looks a pretty leery. Punk says he gets why Cena is confused, since Punk was talking about a corporate man named John, but “I didn’t want John the Boy Scout, I wanted John the Nobody-Gives-A-Crap-About-Me.”

Cena immediately sets the tone: “Sorry, I was sick of hearing you ramble.” Cena knows Punk was out here to talk, but Cena is here for business. He says that Ace will pop out of the back soon to give Zack Ryder a rematch after screwing him out of his United States Title last week. Also because Ace is going to give Cena a match tonight in addition to their match at Royal Rumble. But most importantly, Ace will come out to publically resign as interim general manager of RAW.

Cena coldly just looks to the empty stage as Punk wants to know why exactly Cena would have the power to draw Ace out… but here comes Ace almost immediately to introduce himself. He says that we all have bad days and sometimes say and do things we regret… but he doesn’t take back a thing from last week.

Punk wants Ace to come down to the ring, but Ace finds his spine and declares that he is Punk’s boss and refuses to be drawn out, or intimidated by, either man. But to tonight: yes, Ace admits he made a mistake last week in letting Zack Ryder wrestle, and he’s apologized to Zack. But Zack, despite being medically cleared this week, isn’t getting a rematch against Jack Swagger: he’s going one-on-one against Kane in a Falls Count Anywhere match tonight, and if Cena interferes, then Zack “will never—and I mean never—get another match for the United States Title.”

He absorbs some boos, but ignores them and says that since Punk and Cena seem to “be on the same page” right now, they are ordered to be in a tag team match right the hell now.

Ace leaves, and after a pregnant pause, we hear “Excuse me!” Before Vickie Guerrero even pops out of the back, Punk does a nice Shakespearian death fall in reaction. Vickie pops out with Dolph and Jack in tow, putting them over. Dolph takes the time to say from the stage that Punk shouldn’t worry about Johnny Ace, since Dolph is so totally going to beat him now like he has the last three times.

Jack contributes: “John, you’re dead meat!” Well, we know who the weak link is promo-wise here.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeat CM Punk & John Cena by pin. Johnny Ace came down immediately before the match started, despite going back into the gorilla position moments before. He sat down next to the commentators and basically spent the whole time watching elf-themed porn on his iPhone.

Solid match, but mostly for story purposes. Cena was the FIP and, as usual, got his ass kicked for 95% of the match. He managed to counter Jack’s finishing flurry by hitting an FU out of nowhere, but was too damaged to follow up.

After the dramatic crawling, Cena hit the hot tag, and Punk went total house of fire. When he went for the GTS, Dolph wiggled out, but Punk re-countered with a roundhouse kick to his temple. Punk goes for the pin, but Jack makes the save.

Cena, still pissed off at the world in general, runs in and flings Jack out of the ring, then jumps out after him. A little back-and-forth leads to Jack applying the ankle lock, but Cena counters out of it in a nanosecond, slickly transitioning to the STF. Jack taps out, but (a) he’s out of the ring, and (b) he’s the illegal man.

The ref meanwhile is standing at the southwest corner of the ring, screaming something at the two of them. (Probably telling Jack that he can’t tap out.) Punk wants to nail Dolph with a Macho Man Elbow, and has to sort of yell at and lightly shove the ref to get out of the way. Ace finally got passed the money shot of his movie, so he chose now to jump up on the apron and bark away at Punk. Punk isn’t going to take that crap, so he hopped down and accosted Ace around the lapel, making Ace hop backwards off the apron.

Punk kept his back to the ring as he yelled at Ace, giving Dolph the opportunity to roll him up. With a handful of Punk’s tights, Dolph was able to hold on, and he scored the three-count.

Post-Segment 2: Ace basically hauls ass up the ramp, but he does stop on the stage to look back at Punk and be offended. Punk grabs a mic and says that he may have lost, but it doesn’t change anything for Royal Rumble: Ace will still try to screw over Punk on Sunday, which is fine, because Punk will just beat the hell out of him.

But beyond that, if Ace is going to give Dolph wins as presents, then Punk himself will give Ace a present. He wants to give Ace the chance to be something he’s never been: for one night, he doesn’t want him to be an “EVP” (Executive Vice-President), or a GM… but a WWE Superstar. How about Ace goes one-on-one with Punk tonight?

Ace gives a pregnant pause, but does accept. He and Punk are all smiles as Punk’s music plays the segment closed.

Segment 3: After commercial, it’s time for… Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel? Well how the hell is he going to pull this off without talking?

Y2J hits the ring, which is decked out in a red carpet, two black director’s chairs, and of course the Jeritron 5000. His music cuts presently, and he picks up a mic… but he’s too busy shushing the crowd quietly. The crowd continues to just boo the shit out of him, so he Broadly Gestures to wait a moment, and he runs off to the backstage.

Here comes again after a moment with a T-shirt gun. He loads up and gooses the entire arena to start cheering again… probably for the T-shirts rather than him, but he does it anyway. At the last second, he just puts down the T-shirt gun and instead steals the camera from the camera guy in the ring with him. He swings that around everywhere, again goosing the crowd into a huge cheer, but ultimately not saying anything.

Jericho gives the camera back and picks up his mic again. He shushes the crowd, then throws it to the Jeritron 5000, which plays a highlight package of Jericho’s career from his very first debut to today.

It’s short, so we cut back to Y2J after about a minute. He again just shushes the crowd, which is booing the crap out of him. Finally he says “This Sunday at the Royal Rumble…” and the crowd flips out in a huge cheer. “…It’s going to be the end of the world as you know it.” Boos. Play his music!

Jerry Lawler is offended that that was a whole lot of nothing, but it doesn’t stop them from killing the lights so he can hit his pose with the lighted shirt. Huh.

Pre-Segment 4: Zack Ryder is in the back and chatting up Eve. Mick Foley comes up and advises him that he’s wrestled against Kane before, and he may be tough, but he’s still just a man, and Zack can totally do this.

Mick leaves, and Eve immediately says that Zack really shouldn’t do this, despite being officially medically cleared. Zack is game, and he’s ready.

Then John Cena pops up and says that no matter what Johnny Ace said, he’ll totally be his backup if necessary. Zack tells him to just stay out of it; he’s got this, and he doesn’t want to risk never having another shot at the US Title. He runs off, and it’s on.

Segment 4 [Falls Count Anywhere Singles Match]: Kane defeats Zack Ryder by referee stoppage. Totally one-sided trashy brawl that went to ringside almost immediately. Kane just beat the total hell out of Zack. Eve came down after a minute, but her entire role consisted of standing there and crying.

The fight went out into the crowd, or more specifically, the pit. (That area south of the ring, like where the main camera sits, and where the real ring pyrotechnicians are hanging out.) It was here when Zack got in his first offensive move, occurring about seven minutes into the match. After Kane shoved Zack, Zack landed near a metal briefcase, so he used that and flung it into the back of Kane’s head.

This just pissed off the Big Red Machine, who took the fight to the ramp, then to stage. Zack got in a couple punches, but Kane no-sold them and just continued using Zack’s face as a lawn dart. Kane finally ended things with a chokeslam… that sent Zack through one panel of the stage. The ref hopped down to check on him, and that’s that, even though there was no bell.

Post-Segment 4: Eve ran up to check on Zack, but then Kane eyed her. Not wanting to be the next AJ, she “ran” away (i.e., backpedaled with a tiny bit of speed since Kane’s mere presence shuts down her neurological responses). Kane still adjusted his glove like he was going to chokeslam her.

But then John Cena appeared on the stage. Kane took one look at him, then changed his mind and escaped through the crowd. Eve, feeling safe now, ran up to Cena to continue looking after Zack. From there, we go to commercial.

Segment 5: We’re back, and Zack is doing the full stretcher job with Cena and Eve near him. Both announcers—yes, even Cole—had their “hushed and respectful” voices going, with Cole saying that he knows Zack totally didn’t deserve this.

We get a camera cut to the back, where they load Zack in an ambulance. Zack hasn’t moved and may not even be conscious, but Cena tells him anyway that he will take of this. Eve gets in his face and it’s all Cena’s fault this has happened anyway. Cena chalks that one up to just emotional trauma, so he lets it go with an eye roll and a “It’s not my fault” under his breath. Eve says that he’s done enough, so just leave them alone; she’ll go with Zack to the hospital. She hops in the ambulance, and it’s driven away presently.

As the camera pans and Cena sighs to collect his thoughts, Josh Mathews appears out of absolutely nowhere to say, “Cena, you just must feel awful about this, huh?” Cena looks off after the ambulance for a few seconds, then just slaps the mic out of his hand, making him run off. The camera circles to get Cena’s face; he looks directly into the camera, makes a very intense Angry Face, and even starts shaking. No jokes here: he looked a little scary, and is clearly embracing the hate.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Jinder Mahal by pin. Nothing noteworthy in this match itself. Wade Barrett came down almost immediately to get on commentary, and he basically just hyped their feud going into the Royal Rumble.

The match ended with a Blarney boot, and afterwards, Wade got on the apron to talk shit. When Sheamus went for him, Wade hopped down and left. Sheamus grabbed a mic and just put himself over and posed as Wade dismissed him and left.

Segment 7: Mathews interviews The Miz in the back, who says that whenever anyone turns on him, they clearly lose. He’s going to prove it by beating R-Truth tonight, and further prove it by winning the Royal Rumble, because he’s #1!

That’s when R-Truth pops up, wearing a lab coat and horn-rimmed glasses without lenses. Truth says that his name is Eric Fliser from WWE Market Research! And the data doesn’t like: Miz is #1! He’s #1 in annoying, whining, and the #1 nincompoop! He’s also the #1 WEIO… What’s that stand for? Well, whenever he’s on TV, the crowd asks “What else is on?” Ha! Truth—or Fliser, I guess for tonight—concludes that Miz is the #1 jackass of WWE.

Miz gets in Truth’s face and starts scream that he is the #1 awesomeness, and Truth screams back that his name is so totally Fliser. Johnny Ace appears and complains that their yelling is distracting him from his pre-match preparations, so if they’re going to be blathering about “#1 this and #1 that,” then tonight, whoever loses between them in their match will be the first entrant in the Royal Rumble. Whoops.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi & Cameron? Was that her name?) squashes Heath Slater by pin. Apparently, Clay is calling his running standing crossbody the “What The Funk?” So let me get this straight: WWE forces Cena to change the name of his finisher because “FU” is too dirty, but “What The Funk” is okay?

William Regal was out here for commentary, and he and Naomi (who probably just catapulted to #3 on my list) were the only reasons to enjoy this. His commentary was fantastic, such as that Clay’s “gyrations and jiggling around makes him look like a walrus giving birth.” The line itself is awesome, and a deadpanned British accent just gives it a million bonus points.

Also a million bonus points: Naomi’s post-match dance moves. Mmm…

Segment 9 [Singles Match, Loser is #1 entrant at Royal Rumble]: R-Truth defeats The Miz by pin. Decent match but nothing special. Good back-and-forth action from bell to bell, but no noteworthy spots. Fairly entertaining though; certainly better than a goddamn Clay/Slater squash. The match ended with a Lie Detector out of nowhere.

Cut Scene: Jerry Lawler reports that Zack Ryder has a broken back due to the chokeslam through the stage.

Segment 10: Ace is in the back, warming up for his match. David Otunga arrives to give him a Super Important fax. Ace reads it, mouthing the words but not speaking aloud. Whatever it is, it doesn’t make him cry, but it does make him look troubled.

Segment 11: CM Punk hits the ring with his full entrance. Ace hits the ring (wearing a shirt that says “Future Endeavored” on it, which is pretty damn funny) with Otunga soon after. Ace gives Otunga the fax to read publically: seems that the Board of Directors isn’t happy with Ace’s declaration last week that he’s definitely going to abuse his power. So next week on RAW, he’ll have an official job evaluation… to be conducted by Triple H.

Well naturally the crowd is all about this, but Ace seems to want to explain further. So he grabs a mic and starts to blather to Punk, who cuts him off by stealing Otunga’s mic. “All this means is that if you intentionally screw me over, you’ll be out of a job, boo hoo.” Ace wants to say… something, I don’t know, but Punk stops that shit because he’s got the mic, damnit! Punk says that especially now, there’s nothing stopping him from kicking his ass right before Trips throws him out of the company.

Ace, like the sycophant that he is, immediately starts to apologize to Punk, and the crowd, and everyone. Punk is all, “What, this is just a misunderstanding? Was it a misunderstanding that Mick Foley was banned from Rumble?” So naturally Ace just immediately puts him in it. Ace goes on: “And the only reason I said what I said last week about screwing you over is because you were making fun of me!”

Punk doesn’t even bother giving an eye roll on that one because the crowd basically gives a collective “Whatever” in addition to their avalanche of booing. And we get this delicious line from Punk…

You know, right now, you’re like that spoiled little girl that year-round gets what she wants, but all of a sudden it’s Christmas time, and now you’re worried that Santa’s coming and all he’s bringing is a big fat piece of coal.

And then, proving once again he’s a master of a mic in an unconventional way, Punk manages to twist a flubbed line into a burn…

If [Triple H] has inherited any of his granf— Uh, I almost said “grandfather” but I guess it’s just his father-in-law…

Heh. Anyway, Punk’s point is that he hopes Trips borrows Vince McMahon’s phrase and screams “You’re FIRED!!!” to Ace. Ace says that’s not going to happen since he’s been with the company for over a decade… But either way, the match is definitely not going to happen, but Otunga will totally take his place.

And with that, Otunga starts beating the shit out of Punk, even getting him off his feet. But Punk gets the advantage, putting Otunga in the Anaconda Vise. Otunga taps out, pointlessly, since there really is no match here.

Punk then eyes Ace, who stupidly hasn’t left the ring yet. Punk then does one of those little physical things that shows the core difference between me and the guys who bust their ass every night: he starts on his knees, jumps with his thighs and knees, and lands on his feet. It caused my own knees to weep.

With the crowd screaming at Punk to do it, Punk still needed to psych himself up for some reason. Finally, Ace offers his hand for a handshake, so Punk takes it… just to put him up on his shoulders. Ace looks downright bored up there, but Punk blasts him with the GTS anyway. The crowd unanimously approves as Punk’s music plays.

And then Dolph arrives to nail him with the Zig Zag, posing over Punk’s body. No music for him, but Dolph stands tall one more time tonight, and looking damn proud of himself.

Final Thoughts: Pretty entertaining night overall. I’ve got nothing more to say about any specific story or segment, but as a lead-in to Royal Rumble, it was pretty strong. I don’t know if it could convince anyone to buy it if they weren’t already going to, since I almost always buy the Royal Rumble every year regardless. But at least for this week, I can be happy with RAW, instead of merely tolerating it.

We’ve got one more recap between now and the Rumble, so we’ll see you on Saturday for SmackDown!

Episode Grade: B-