First of all, let me be the first to say that there is little else in the world as useless as Twitter wars (or other message board-like wars), and I actively try to avoid them. I have far better things to do than make an argument that won’t convince stubborn idiots about a stupid topic that nobody really cares about. But for some reason, I couldn’t resist last night.
  

One of the trending topics of Twitter during the Steelers game was “Bullying is for losers” (I won’t insult you by typing it in all-caps like it was in Twitter). Between that and the fact that WWE is on its anti-bullying kick, I decided to add to the trending by typing “ ‘Bullying is for losers’? What a silly topic; sometimes someone deserves it.” I didn’t intend to troll. I wasn’t intending to be funny either; that’s my honest opinion. Luckily, the person who decided to call me out on it actually wanted to hold a conversation rather than just yell at me. And I gave him a little anecdote…

There was one time in middle school, just a couple weeks after I had moved here, where I had correctly answered two questions in a row after a jock (the QB of the football team, naturally) had gotten it wrong. After the class, he shoved me against a locker and nearly punched me in the face. I was told in no uncertain terms that one does not show up the athletes like that. The teachers seemed to agree, as the quarterback’s punishment was the ability to skip the next class and spend it in the gym (i.e., a free period of phys-ed).

I’m all for stopping bullying against race, creed, religion, and especially sexuality (the last of which, really, is what all these anti-bullying campaigns are all about). But when someone is an idiot, like I was by going against the social rules established in my school, then I think it can be at least understandable. I was routinely punched, kicked, or spat on over my middle school years, and after awhile, I never bothered to report it because nothing was ever done about it. I was standing out too much.

Once I got to high school, I stopped being so outwardly smart. I never intentionally self-sabotaged my grades, but I did stop trying so hard or doing extra credit. (Or better put, I basically stopped caring so much.) The idiots lessened the bullying against me and instead started picking on the valedictorians (except one particular girl, since she had breasts and all). I finished my senior year of high school in the mid-Cs, and that was also the year I was almost completely bully-free. I learned how to adapt to the situation, and in doing so, the bullying ceased. I can be taught!

Regardless, I worry sometimes that we’re making ourselves too soft. Can’t spank kids, can’t say any insult to kids, can’t touch the quarterback on the helmet... Peace is nice and all, but until we get to that magical point where no one wants to physically or emotionally hurt anyone for any reason, over-sheltering probably will do different (if not better or worse) damage than just keeping with an old-school mentality. I was beaten and insulted in school, and yet here I am, a damn good writer with gorgeous hair. Clearly, I’ve come out ahead.

And just because I love hearing myself talk—or reading my own words, in this case—let’s get to RAW, where I can show off my writing prowess as I yet again miss screaming “Melina” at the top of my lungs. [Ed. Note: after last Monday's awful Abdul-esque display on her part, do you even want to anymore?]

Segment 1: Here comes Triple H to open the show and explain why The Miz and R-Truth were fired. It seems Awesome Truth made some sort of handicam promo for WWE.com. They talk about how they were randomly attacking CM Punk and Trips because they were supposedly on some “conspiracy list.”

We cut back to Trips, who bluntly says that it was because of that promo they were fired; in fact, Trips knew he was going to fire them when they tried to do a half-assed apology, but he wanted to use them to get one more main event out of them. Also, speaking of fines, Trips is slapping Mark Henry with a quarter-million-dollar fine for touching Jim Ross and beating the shit out of Jerry Lawler. Trips has done all that, plus fired Kevin Nash, because it was the right thing to do, which he will always do.

And that summons Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler. Dolph says that he’s glad Trips is talking about how he’ll do the right thing, since last week, he got his ass kicked by Hugh Jackman. So clearly, Trips needs to do something to make this situation right.

Trips replies he’s not sure what he wants him to do about it, since Dolph picked the fight and got punched by an actor. So Trips will so totally get some more security for Dolph when the Muppets come to town next month as guest hosts. Ha!

Well, here comes Cody Rhodes to bitch about getting his ass handed to him by Randy Orton. He mentions losing a ton of blood and needing nine staples in his head (which, if you didn’t read our SmackDown recap about that, you don’t understand since they never showed the blood). So if Trips thought Jackman punching Dolph was funny, clearly Trips must think it’s hilarious.

Trips’s reply is to bring up an incident a couple years ago where Orton handcuffed Trips to the ropes in a match, then RKOed Stephanie. Trips’s response was to “beat Orton’s ass on his front lawn.” He tells Cody to just man up since this ain’t the Boy Scouts.

But now we have another complainer: it’s Christian! The mics barely pick up Dolph complaining that Cody and Christian so totally shouldn’t be here “because this is our show!” Christian hits the ring and complains about Sheamus throwing him back in the ring during his title match against Mark Henry, and how that totally cost him the title. “So tell me… how is that fair?”

Trips: “It was a lumberjack match, idiot! That’s the point!” Bwa ha ha ha!

Christian says that they’ve all had enough of Trips’s bullshit, so he suggests he, Cody, and Dolph file the biggest lawsuit against WWE ever. But maybe he won’t, if he gives Christian his one. More. Match.

Trips is cool with the idea of Christian screwing over Cody and Dolph for himself. So at Hell in a Cell, Christian gets his one. More. Match. By facing Sheamus. And on SmackDown, he’ll get his one. More. Match. Against Randy Orton. And tonight, “just for pissing me off,” he’ll get his one. More. Match. Against John Cena.

Christian is actually cool with that. “Is it for the title?”

“No.”

Now Christian flips his shit, saying that it’s totally unacceptable. He storms off to the back.

Dolph picks up his mic now and bitches that, clearly, Trips isn’t going to do the right thing with him either. Trips begs to differ: since Dolph was beat last week, then this week, he’s going to have to defend his title against the man that beat him. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope we have a new US Champion in... Zack Ryder.” After the crowd cheers and Dolph looks pissed off, Trips leans real close to his ear and says, “Woo woo woo… you know it!” But Trips says it with this adorable intentional crack to his voice. Hilarious.

Dolph storms away, and Trips says that since Cody’s “got a zipper in his head,” he’ll give him the night off. Cody turns away and mutters “You should give yourself the night off,” but stupidly mutters this into the microphone. Trips call him on it, and Cody… well, Cody gets himself into trouble, so I’m going to go verbatim here. We’ll start with Cody, but I’m alternating between him and Trips…

CR: With all due respect, I think you’re a poor excuse for COO.

HHH: That’s a great idea, Cody! You’ll defend the Intercontinental Championship right here tonight!

CR: Why don’t you do the WWE a favor and resign?

HHH: You’d rather have it be in a triple threat match? Perfect!

CR: I… I didn’t say—

HHH: Oh wait, a Fatal Four-Way? Even better!

CR: You know what, I have a pay—

HHH: Hold on one second, I got the idea! Stay right here right now ‘cause your match is next! And I’m gonna walk back there, and the first nine guys I come across are gonna come out here, and you’re gonna defend that Intercontinental Championship in a 10-man, over-the-top battle royal!

Ha! Remind me never to upset Triple H if I get to WWE. Actually, remind me never to upset Triple H at all. He’s make me eat my own boxers without taking them off.

Long but fantastic and entertaining opening segment.

Segment 2 [10-Man Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Title]: Cody Rhodes eliminates Sheamus, outlasting Ezekiel Jackson et al, and retains. Solid match, and Cody won convincingly (in a heel jerk kind of way).

Cody started things off by immediately saying “fuck this” and sliding under the bottom rope. Heel Cara hit the ring to drag Face Cara out of the ring from under the bottom rope, but then promptly got eliminated by Daniel Bryan. Face Cara decided to get revenge by running up the steel stairs and doing a perfect flying tilt-a-whirl headscissors to Heel Cara. He wanted to get back in the ring, but even though the refs saw both Caras, Face Cara forgot to throw the red challenge flag before the next play and was tossed anyway.

The final two were Sheamus and Cody, with Sheamus going “house of fire” even though this wasn’t a tag match, and beating the hell out of Cody. He wanted to do a Celtic Cross, but then Christian came down and ran distraction. Sheamus still kept control, and went for a Blarney Boot. Cody ducked it, and Sheamus crotched himself and fell to the apron.

Cody pulled off the mask and tried to hit Sheamus, but Sheamus blocked it and countered with a headbutt. Christian then arrived and tried to pull Sheamus off the apron, but Sheamus just kicked him in the face. Cody went for another mask shot though, and Sheamus was distracted, and ate the hit.

After the match, Christian shoved Sheamus shoulder-first into the ring post outside the ring, then yelled at him for a bit.

Segment 3: We get a medical update on Jerry Lawler, after seeing replays from last week. Apparently according to Michael Cole (with a straight face somehow), he has “bruised ribs and anal bleeding.” Uh… okay?

Segment 4: In the back, David Otunga is asking John Laurinaitis when he’s going to overthrow Triple H, since Trips is so totally fucking things up. Johnny Ace, who apparently doesn’t think that a black dude wearing a forest green dress shirt with a maroon bow tie isn’t inherently funny, brings up that Otunga is so totally a Harvard lawyer. Otunga agrees and “even though I’m not practicing, I’m still a lawyer,” an argument I’m sure Jack Thompson has tried numerous times to hilarious results.

Ace points out that Trips’s decisions aren’t illegal, but since he is executive vice-president of talent relations, he needs to assert that authority. As Otunga leaves, Johnny whips out his cell phone to text someone.

Pre-Segment 5: Eve now sports bangs. I didn’t mind Naomi (from Girl NXT), but on Eve, they look terrible.

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: Beth Phoenix & Natalya defeat Kelly Kelly & Eve by pin. It’s about damn time they get a win. It was an extended squash: the “faces” got in practically no offense. I’m not even sure Eve successfully did a single move, which, as you know, is what should be happening in my opinion.

New awesome submission from Natalya, and I’m not entirely sure I have the ability to describe it, so bear with me. Eve was on her stomach, so Natalya positioned herself so their asses were basically over each other. Natalya folded Eve’s legs and hooked her ankles, then further locked her feet around her own legs. Once there, Natalya tipped over. It resulted in Natalya on her back with Eve vertically upside-down on her neck, while Natalya held the legs in that weird uncomfortable position… then Natalya grabbed her arms as well and pulled. The best way I can describe it is a Mexican Surfboard, except rather than the victim being above the attacker, the attacker was laying down while the victim was vertically upside-down in a 90-degree angle. It was sick, and so painful to look at that I wouldn’t want to be in it (unlike either of Melina’s finishers, the Pyro’s Fantasy or the Johnny Cage Split Leg Drop of Doom with Pyro’s Pants-Creaming Pin). Eve was unable to get out of it, and even kinda sunk down, but that meant her shoulders touched the mat, so the ref counted. Somehow, Eve “kicked out” of this, even though it was physically impossible. I’ll buy the excuse that Natalya got exhausted holding the move, but honestly, I think Natalya should start using that as an alternate finisher. That was amazing.

Eve finally managed to hot tag out of there, and then K2 did her house of fire spot, including doing the weakest kicks I’ve ever seen that Beth and Natalya had to sell like chair shots. In the end, it didn’t matter: Eve made Ric Flair proud by whiffing on a crossbody so badly that she flopped, and Beth hit the Glam Slam on K2 and made the pin.

Segment 6: So WWE listened to the retarded Dayton audience (including me) and booked Mark Henry versus Khali. Thankfully, they kept it nice and short: before the bell rang, Henry just hit him in the back of the head with the title belt. This put Khali down, only to come up to eat the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry just then started randomly screaming nonsense to Khali and the audience as he left the ring.

Pre-Segment 7: Heh, Cena pops out and for his pre-entrance words, he says the fans here (wherever they are, I forget) are “all heart.” Then he points to the cell hanging above the ring and says, “We must be close to Hell in a Cell, huh?” Heh, pretty droll the way he said it.

Oh, Cena’s here to talk too. He hypes his title match on Sunday, the triple threat match against Alberto Del Rio and CM Punk. Then he hypes the cell itself; it sounds like the crap they talk about on the pre-match hype packages, except Cena’s unfortunately got his intensity dial up to 11. Ass.

Then ADR pops out of the back—not in his car, but he is dressed to compete—and joins the commentators. Not to be outdone, here comes CM Punk, dressed to compete and with his new T-shirt, but he’s also got his brown “announcers jacket” on too as he joins ADR. We’ve got ourselves a five-man booth.

Segment 7 [Single Match]: John Cena defeats Christian by disqualification. Short match but it was mostly for the story. Punk was brilliant on the mic (“This isn’t my announcers jacket; I actually got it off a bum coming in here”), while ADR gave us such gems as “I’ll kick your butt.” I’m sure you will, buddy.

Cena basically beat the shit out of Christian, but after doing the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, Christian bailed to the east side of the ring. Cena followed and shoved Christian into the table, who sent headsets flying and shifted the table top. A silver Coke can hit the floor, and the camera mic picked up Punk screaming “You spilled my diet soda!” Cena responded, and I’d pay money (a pittance, admittedly) to hear what he said. But Punk wasn’t able to hear it, as ADR basically ran over the other commentators to punch Punk in the face.

Cena let his current non-opponents play with each other as he grabbed Christian and threw him back in the ring. He went for the FU on Christian, but ADR slid in the ring too and attacked him. Cena never got his feet back under him, but Punk slid in to attack ADR (just for the punch in the face, I’m sure), causing ADR to run away like a little bitch. ADR cut a non-promo that didn’t impress anyone.

Segment 8 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Jack Swagger & Vickie Guerrero) reverse-squashes Zack Ryder by pin. Short but decent match, with Zack fully on offense. That is, until Vickie distracts the ref, and Jack guillotine chokes Zack on the top rope. As Zack staggers back from that, Dolph hits the Zig Zag and makes the pin.

Post-Segment 8: Zigs and Jack just start beating the hell out of Zack. There’s a single pyro charge, which confuses the shit out of me, and then Air Boom runs on down to make the save. Jack and Dolph bail.

But they are cut off by Teddy Long, who says Vickie’s got three minutes to find a partner, because we’re going to have a 6-man tag match… unless Vickie can’t find anyone, in which case it’s a three-on-two match.

Segment 9 [6-Man Tag Match]: Zack Ryder & Air Boom defeat Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, & Mason Ryan (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. So we started with two-on-three, but three-quarters of the way through the match, Vicks came out with Mason Ryan, a.k.a. British Batista. He took his position on the apron and started screaming for a tag.

The faces were pretty well in control, but the heels started to get a bit of moment. Jack eventually tagged out to Mason, who entered to boos… then immediately clotheslined Jack’s head off. Ladies and gentlemen, a face turn!

Mason then went on to beat the total shit out of Jack and Dolph. He kicked Jack out of the ring, then punch Dolph in the face while Dolph was standing on the apron near the tag rope, which apparently counts as a tag. Mason hip tossed Dolph into the ring, then did his finisher. It starts like a sideways scoop slam (or Mark Henry’s World’s Strongest Slam if you prefer), but Mason whips Dolph to his left arm and comes down with a one-armed chokeslam or Rock Bottom-type thing. Either way, it looks like it hurt, and Mason just smiled his way out of the ring.

Ah, but since the hip toss constituted the tag, Dolph is legal. So is Zack, who immediately does the Long Island Leg Lariat because fuck “Rough Ryder,” and makes the pin. Yay! This makes two wins in a row, and hopefully this means he gets another title shot soon. (Maybe at HiaC?)

Segment 10: David Otunga is holding a meeting in the back with Vickie and her stable, along with Christian and Cody. Otunga gives some legalese that Trips making things an “unsafe work environment.” So clearly, Otunga wants to be their lawyer to sue him together. Everyone agrees, so Otunga immediately starts making plans.

Really? Otunga is so worthless in the ring that he’s going to be doing this for awhile? Please tell me that Triple H is going to pick Santino Marella as his defense attorney. I want to see him to call an objection by using the Cobra on the bailiff.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: CM Punk defeats Alberto Del Rio by pin. Solid match that told a good story in the ring, possibly ADR’s best match to date. They each made the other look good, with ADR mostly on offense, and arm-related offense at that.

John Cena was out for commentary and decide to golf mumble his way through it. Punk was on offense early but threw ADR in Cena’s direction. There was no contact, but Punk wasted so much time taunting Cena that ADR recovered and started his extended heel beatdown.

It was all arm-related offense, but there was never a cross-legged arm breaker. As soon as ADR went for it—a good 15 minutes into the match—Punk countered by just flailing away like a tornado of fists, ending with a nice roundhouse kick out of nowhere. That ended the match, to my surprise.

Post-Segment 11: For some reason, the cell started lowering. Ricardo considered going in the ring to attack Punk, but then thought better of it due to the cell. Cena, just to be a dick, jumped up from his chair and cut off Ricardo’s escape. Cena chased him around, allowing him to shake the cell door in futility before throwing him in the ring. Cena slid in it too; Punk hit RR with the GTS, and he wandered into Cena’s waiting arms to take the FU.

Punk still wanted to play, so he got Cena ready for a GTS. Cena wiggled out and wanted to do an FU, but Punk wiggled out. Then Cena looked over his shoulder: seems everyone forgot about ADR, who had recovered and found a chair. Their timing was slightly off because Cena glanced over his shoulder, braced for impact, then had to look over his shoulder again because the hit wasn’t coming fast enough. ADR eventually delivered it though.

Punk tried to defend himself but ate steel too. ADR then totally lost his shit and just beat the piss out of both guys, including doing a fucking stiff shot to Cena during the brawl. All shots were to the guys’ backs, but man were they stiff-looking. ADR also mounted the chair between the top and middle ropes, then flung Punk head-first into it. ADR was left standing, posing with the chair as his music played the show out. He totally didn’t care about RR, though.

Final Thoughts: Entertaining episode in parts, but man, there was a lot of filler again. If they tossed the stupid hype packages (HiaC itself got 90 seconds), replays (Jackman got two minutes), and undeserving superstar montages (K2 had her own for two minutes as well), they could probably throw in an extra match or two and still be in good shape.

The main event wasn’t fantastic, but it bordered on “free per view,” which really is about all we can ask for as the lead-in to a pay-per-view. Though, only the main event for HiaC is really worth it; the undercard, except for maybe Ryder/Ziggler, isn’t really all that thrilling. Hell, since half the people on tonight were from SmackDown, RAW clearly doesn’t have the stronger (or at least the quantitative) card. We’ll have to tune in on Friday for more details.

Okay guys, that does it for me tonight. I got a late start, and it’s 1:30am as I wrap this up. Time to catch a quick dinner and hit the sack, but hopefully you’ll check out our last SmackDown recap before Hell in a Cell this weekend.

Episode Grade: C- (overall), B+ (main event)