I have nothing to talk about to get past the ad box, so I’m going to plug myself, despite saying I try not to do so a mere 48 hours ago with my SmackDown recap. IGN sent me a review assignment in addition to my strategy guide. I’m not sure how many reviews I’ve done, maybe a half-dozen over the last six years; it’s not exactly my specialty. It doesn’t pay as well, but it’s actually nice and relaxing: I don’t have to think, you know? 

Writing a guide means breaking a game down into its very components, figuring out how they tick, and writing about how to make them tick while also trying to me relatively entertaining. Writing a review however means to sit back, play the game, and then describe it: no additional thinking required beyond however much brain power the game itself takes.

So the review I netted was Patrician IV, an economic simulator, which should arrive at my apartment tomorrow. Doesn’t sound exciting to most of you, I’m sure, but I actually dig games like that: get a bunch of ships, start a business, ferry goods from one part of the Caribbean to the other (or wherever this new sequel takes place), and turn a little profit while balancing your expenses. Hell, economic simulators can almost teach the extreme basics and fundamentals of business better than some college classes—trust me, I know from experience. It’s one of those games where thinking and patience are usually better rewarded than twitchy skills, so you can actually settle down with a drink and casually play the game rather than being on the edge of your seat, pecking away at every key on the keyboard.

And with that, we turn to Hell in a Cell, where I intend to settle down with a drink and casually watch the show, HOPEFULLY be on the edge of my seat, while pecking away at every key on the keyboard. Ah, the parallels of my hobbies…

Show Open: Oh God, I think I’m going to have to start drinking early. We’re opening with a montage of the Hell in a Cell matches, but we’re doing it to the theme of the idea of the Cell itself talking and narrating the video package. It’s like Gay Spooky, but with massive amounts of Gay and very little Spooky… with some Lame thrown in for good measure.

Pre-Segment 1: John Morrison and Daniel Bryan separately hit the ring for the opening match. Miz comes out last, but he wants to talk on his way to the ring. He points out that he mentored both these guys, that no one in the audience would even know who they were without him… but without them, he would still be a star in WWE. Why? Because he has “it,” and he will be US Champion by the end of tonight. And he never tapped out… because HE’S THE MIZ… AND HE’S… AWESOME!!!

Segment 1 [Triple Threat No-DQ / No Countout Submissions Count Anywhere Match for the United States Title]: Daniel Bryan defeats Miz and outlasts John Morrison, and retains. I need to preface my next statement with a small disclaimer. I’ve had a sip of my Jack and Coke, so what little alcohol I have consumed is not yet affecting me. And I had a bad day, as I said, so I’m likely to be more critical of stupidity than normal. Okay? Keep that in mind, when I state…

It will be a travesty of professional wrestling if this match is not one of the top three Match of the Year contenders, and it could damn well win that award.

Good. Lord. Get the torrent, find it on YouTube, whatever it takes. Matches that have a little of everything don’t come along every day, or every week, or every month, or even every year. Despite no blood and a crowd that wasn’t as into it as I thought they would be, this match was awesome.

I can’t do the match justice. If I try to make it a full recap, I’m going to be here all night. It started with some stellar chain wrestling between JoMo and DB, the quality I haven’t seen in a long time. Submissions were exchanged, and all three guys used some insanely creative spots to do them in. Oddly, there weren’t any of the usual weapons involved: no chairs or chair-related submissions. However, we did get to see JoMo put Miz in a rope-assisted Tarantula, and Miz put JoMo in a steel bar-assisted Dragon Sleeper. What was the steel bar in question? None other than the hand railing of the stairs in the middle of the crowd. It was a sick, awesome visual, and JoMo’s flexibility just added to it.

The fight went to the stage as well, where we got to see a high spot. DB and Miz double clotheslined each other on the stage. JoMo decided to again be Spider-Man, climbing (in a ridiculous way that you have to watch, essentially like climbing a ladder but jumping the rungs instead of stepping up them) up the side of the stage props, then crawling along some metal scaffolding, and then basically falling off (intentionally) for a suicide splash on both guys.

About the only mistake was just before that. Miz introduced one of those big rolling crates and, after a bit of back-and-forth action, JoMo got the upper hand. He then vaulted to the top of the box and, in midair, twisted and turned it into a roundhouse kick… except that he missed contact by a good ten inches or more and Miz still sold it. The unfortunate camera angle was the only reason it looked bad, but fuck it: one extremely minor mistake that had nothing to do with the finish is forgivable when it’s surrounded by awesomeness like that.

Well, okay, there was one more mistake of logic. After Miz introduced the box, after a bit of back-and-forth, he managed to hit the Skull Crushing Finale on JoMo out on the floor. The commentators pointed out that, if JoMo is knocked out, Miz should just slap any submission on him, as the ref will pretty much immediately call for the bell as JoMo won’t respond. However, Miz ignored JoMo’s corpse and went after a wounded DB, which didn’t make any sense within the context of the match. The commentators covered this by saying that Miz’s rage against DB made him go after him, but I call bullshit: Miz wants the US Title too badly and shouldn’t have just ignored JoMo. At the very least, DB should have recovered at that point and stopped Miz from doing anything. But again, a lapse in wrestling psychology isn’t the end of the world, and I’m willing to give it a pass based on the rest of the awesomeness.

The match ended when JoMo had Miz in a modified Texas Cloverleaf on the ramp. Alex Riley came out of the back and attacked JoMo from behind, sending him flying off the ramp. Then, DB recovered from whatever had floored him, and he threw Alex off the stage and head-first into a cameraman. With Alex and JoMo both down, DB was free to put Miz in the LaBelle Lock. Miz fought it as best he could, but finally tapped. The crowd sounded a bit soft, but they gave the guys a standing ovation.

The beauty of this match was the pacing. Submission matches are usually weird because guys have to be in submissions twice or thrice as long as normal to build suspense, making all submission attempts look relatively weak. However, by adding a third guy to the mix, the problem is solved: whenever a submission is applied, the victim fights it for about five to ten seconds, and then the other guy comes in and breaks it up. No submission looks weak, everyone is constantly moving, and the end result is a highly technical match that we haven’t seen since the days of actual variety on a WWE program. Plus, all the stories advance: Michael Cole admits DB is real, DB again has credibility in making Miz tap to further their feudm JoMo has issues with Alex and Miz by proxy to further their feud, and the US Title itself gains some credibility for being defended so decisively. Absolutely stunning.

Although I initially thought the match should be higher up on the card, in a way, I can see why they put this match on first: pop the crowd early, because from here on out, no match at all tonight will have this kind of action. From here on out, it’ll have to be hardcore stuff or the matches will have to be heavily in favor of the characters rather than the action, because there is nothing tonight that will possibly top this.

Segment 2 [Singles Hell in a Cell for the WWE Title]: Randy Orton defeats Sheamus by pin, and retains. And then, we have this.

All right, so the match wasn’t horrible, but “mediocre” is about as charitable as I’m going to be. The video packages will lie to you here: there were plenty of hardcore spots, such as Sheamus following up a failed pin attempt by just going postal by beating the shit out of Orton’s back with a chair. However, in between the hardcore spots was extremely lame normal Orton-caliber moves, which isn’t a compliment. Slow pace, weak moves, nothing to write home about. Sheamus was definitely making Orton look good: any positives you draw from this match are directly related to Sheamus. I don’t remember any chinlocks, so maybe it wasn’t all bad, but trust me: Sheamus was the MVP here.

I will admit that both guys came across fairly strong. Orton survived two Blarney Boots and it took two RKOs (the second of which on the steel steps) before Sheamus went down. Orton also tried to do the Punt Kick of Doom but whiffed. At least all the dodges and counters were convincing.

After the match, Orton put the title belt on backwards (seriously), then climbed to the top of the stage and posed for entirely too long. How long, you may ask? Long enough for his entrance music to cycle twice (for a total of three plays). The commentators were putting this over as huge, but it was flaccid in reality. It even caused Cole to say that Hell in a Cell should be renamed “The Viper’s Playground”; thank God Matt Striker immediately called bullshit on that. I’m telling you, the whole match is going to come across as a sweet video package, I will admit that: but it’s inaccurate to the reality of the action, which was mediocre at best and an insult to the match gimmick.

Segment 3: Josh Mathews interviews the NXT rookies in the back… or at least, they want to. But then Nexus appears, and the girls start to leave. Heath Slater, winning Douchebag of the Night award, immediately says, “Where are you going? There’s six of you and, after tonight, there’ll be six of us!” What a horrible, swarthy line… but it was clever, I’ll give him that.

Wade then bogarts the mic and cuts a relatively generic promo against Cena. Nothing special there.

Segment 4: Alberto Del Rio hits the ring to talk, but first, Jerry Lawler hits Commentating Line of the Night. After Ricardo Rodriguez does his elaborate entrance announcement for ADR, Lawler said, “Ugh… can I hit ‘1’ for ‘English’?” BWA HA HA HA!

Anyway, ADR cuts a promo against Rey Mysterio, basically putting himself over for his actions over the past two weeks on SD: taking out Christian and mocking Rey via the Chihuahua. ADR goes on that he’s destroyed Rey and Christian, so who’s next? It’s a rhetorical question, but he still insults Texas anyway, saying that clearly he’s got it going on better than anyone in the state, naming a few guys he’s better than (better than Nolan Ryan (proving he reads OO), better looking than Tony Romo, etc.). So obviously he’s better than everyone, and he can’t wait to take on anyone to prove—

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!!!

…Oh hell yes! So Edge’s actions on SD were officially a face turn? That’s… that’s fucking awesome. I am totally into Edge being the Stupidity Sherriff.

And yes, that’s why he’s here. Edge starts by saying that he’s not here to defend Rey or Texas or even Christian, clearly showing he’s a face that hasn’t forgotten his roots. No, Edge is here because he’s “in a fight against one thing… stupidity.” This is easily the greatest gimmick in the history of WWE.

Edge goes on that Chihuahua-come-Rey was stupid… and the gay little scarf ADR wears is stupid. ADR responds that Edge needs to just choose his words carefully here. So, Edge complies: “Alberto Del Rio muy e stupido!” Hell yes!

ADR says that he’s not stupid… he’s the man who’s going to hurt Edge. And he winks with a smirk.

Edge responds: “That! That right there. That wink? It’s disturbing… but it’s also extremely stupid!” And so is the “existence of Ricardo Rodriguez.” Edge rips Ricardo’s jacket, which is enough to upset ADR enough to fight.

But before they throw down, Jack Swagger’s music fires up. What he says is stupid is the fact that we’ve got a Canadian and a Mexican arguing while the All-American American American isn’t even wrestling! And Edge sucks because he Speared the Swagger Eagle, and Edge will so totally pay for those medical bills. Edge is fine with that, and says he will even pay for Jack’s and ADR’s bills too. Edge throws the first punch, but ADR sucker punches him, and Jack kicks him a few times for good measure.

Then the lights flicker, and GM Vista contacts everyone. It says that Edge will give it a public apology tomorrow night on RAW, but right now? Edge has to face Jack despite that Edge has just gotten his ass kicked. Huh.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Edge defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Fun match, well above average. These guys really click!

Good spots here. We saw Edge do a beautiful move off the top rope, a flying missile dropkick that looked perfect. Edge also had a slick counter in the middle of the match, where Jack tried to give him an ankle lock outside the ring. Jack didn’t quite have it locked in though, and Edge rolled through it to send Jack face-first into the steel steps.

The end game sequence started when Edge tried an enziguri, but Jack ducked it while holding onto the leg, causing Edge to jerk his knee. Jack immediately slapped on the ankle lock, but Edge got out of it. He hopped to his feet, hit a Spear from nowhere, and took the win. Jack also walked away from this one with a bloody mouth and lip; thank goodness they didn’t stop the match to close the cut like we’ve seen before.

The commentators were distracting. Lawler and Striker started arguing at one point, and it seemed a bit… I don’t know… legit. It wasn’t anything bad, just distracting and awkward.

Segment 6: Nexus sans Wade are meeting in the back. David Otunga says he’s come up with a brilliant plan to assist Wade without getting them disqualified and having Nexus automatically disband. The other guys are skeptical, but he leads them away from the camera, whispering his plan. Hm…

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Wade Barrett defeats John Cena by pin. Match was good but nothing remarkable. The first half was the less special part, nothing different or special that we haven’t seen on RAW.

Then Nexus came out. They didn’t touch Cena, but they did distract him and caused Wade to go after him. Once Cena started his comeback, Nexus moved to surround the ring. Again, they didn’t touch Cena, but they were distracting.

And then pretty much all the lower midcarders and regular midcarders, led by Big Show, came running down and beat the shit out of all four members of Nexus. They were all sent flying into the crowd, and rendered irrelevant.

The match picked up then and was sort of “restarted”: a very short feeling out process, followed by false finishes and plenty of action. We heard competing “Let’s go Cena! Let’s go Barrett!” chants, which Striker pointed out was split with the kids and chicks cheering for Cena, and the guys chanting for Barrett.

Wade eventually hit his finisher—apparently called the Wasteland, which I’ll buy as an acceptable name—but Cena kicked out. The instant they were on their feet, Cena hit an FU, but Wade kicked out of that. Shortly after, Cena trapped Wade in a drop toe hold, then slapped on the SSTF.

And then a “fan” tried to slide in the ring, which the ref somehow magically new despite the fan being behind the ref. As the ref and the Arena Security Staff dealt with him, a different fan materialized and beaned Cena with… uh… a foreign object. Cena was knocked out, Wade made the pin, and that was it.

We saw a couple different replays, and we never got a clear look at the first fan. One angle, however, showed the second fan’s face pretty well, and it was Husky Harris. The commentators didn’t acknowledge that, but I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.

I’m on record as saying—and I still believe—that a gimmick chance can only help Cena at this point. This needed to happen for Cena’s character. I’m really curious where they’re going to go from here, but it’s definitely telling that Cena now gets to be a real heel for awhile, or at least act like a real heel. I’m stoked for RAW tomorrow.

Segment 8: Josh Mathews is WALKING~! in the back, and runs into Paul Bearer. Josh asks why we haven’t seen Paul for six years. Paul replies that his son, Kane, isn’t the only one who has a master plan. Paul says he’s been waiting six years to formulate his plan, and that he’s going to make sure that Kane will never be the devil’s favorite demon.

Okay, so let me get this straight: we’re retconning that Taker “killed” (or at least severely injured) Paul and that Paul has no apparent ill will, but we’re keeping that Kane is his son as canon? God bless professional wrestling!

Segment 9 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Natalya defeats Michelle McCool (w/ Layla) by disqualification, but Michelle McCool retains. Match was pretty damn good, really, which is saying something since I think Michelle is almost worthless in the ring. And this wasn’t just good by today’s divas standards, this was good even going back to the Attitude Era. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Trish/Lita, but it was good enough to be decent back then. And, Natalya was absolutely smoking: not only was the match technically good, but we had plenty of cleavage shots of my #4. No complaints with that!

Anyway, it was a mostly technical affair. Nothing exceptional until the end, when Natalya slapped on the Sharpshooter. Michelle managed to roll over and reverse it to a heel hook, but then Natalya rolled over again and made it a Sharpshooter once more. Layla had interfered randomly throughout the match, but she took this moment to throw a shoe at Natalya. I thought Michelle tapped at the same time, but I guess not… The ref immediately called for the bell to end the match by DQ, and no one made a stink over it.

Layla got in the ring to attack Natalya, but Natalya took her down and went for a Sharpshooter. Michelle tried to help out but Natalya saw her coming, then broke her own hold to deal with Michelle. Both heels retreated, and Natalya stole the belt and posed with it even though it’s not hers.

Yet again, I’m stoked about RAW. Natalya is getting the push, and even though it comes at the cost of My Melina getting slightly demoted, that’s all right: Natalya is damn good in the ring. I can buy Natalya getting the push over Melina, unlike when Eve or Maria got the same push.

Pre-Segment 10: Time for the main event. The entrances are happening at a quarter-after 10pm, which doesn’t bode well, unless is going to be some sort of ridiculous epic. I’m stoked for the match, don’t get me wrong, but like Rick, I get a little frustrated when WWE feels the need to turn a three-hour pay-per-view into a two-and-half-hour event, you know?

For what it’s worth, Taker busted out the Ministry robe to the ring this time. Good shit. I’m such an Undertaker mark, and I make no apologies.

Segment 10 [Singles Hell in a Cell for the World Heavyweight Title]: Kane defeats Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) by pin, and retains. Huh, Rick called it.

Taker sent Paul out of the cell immediately, and Kane took that moment to sucker punch Taker. Match started off with promise, some good violence early with chairs and steel steps and all that. Seemed pretty good… but once the match settled down in the ring, it never really got going again.

There were false finishes a-plenty and the crowd was digging it. The story here was that, once Taker got going, Kane started beating the shit out of his legs. This played into Kane reversing all of Taker’s signatures and finishers, though Taker was able to get out of any mess Kane put him in. This included a Tombstone Piledriver, which Taker managed to escape at a two-count.

Kane was so pissed off that he didn’t get the win here that he did a throat strike to the ref. This caused a minor panic outside as the refs unlocked the cell door. Once it was open, trainers and refs got the injured one out, and Mike Chioda took over. Meanwhile, Paul slipped in the cell. Kane saw him and chased (read: tip-toed after) him until Paul was in the ring. Kane cornered Paul and started screaming at him.

And that’s when Taker did his zombie sit-up behind Kane’s back. Taker then hit a chokeslam, did the throat slash taunt, and… well, and Gay Spooky started up in force. The instant Taker did the taunt, the lights went all black light, we had thunder sound effects, the stage fire pyros started going off, and the Titantron and light boards bordering it all went into lightning. It was pretty fucking stupid, and you know I’m a Gay Spooky apologist.

Anyway, Taker then started to go for the Tombstone… but Paul Bearer popped off the lid of the urn and shined the mystical light from it into Taker’s face, blinding him. The environment went back to normal, and Kane and Taker faced off with Paul between them. Then, Paul gave the urn to Kane, who promptly smacked Taker in the face with it. One more chokeslam, and it was over.

Crowd was silent, but no further damage or anything happened. Kane and Paul left together, with Paul shining the urn light in Kane’s face, which for some random reason wasn’t blinding him, all for the sake of a “spooky” image that is famous the country over in campsites when the dude leading the scary story puts a flashlight under his chin.

Final Thoughts: …And we’re done 17 minutes early. Fucking WWE.

God, do I have mixed feelings about this one. Like Rick, I give most of my night rating to the main event, whether that’s fair and justified or not. I have no real problem with Paul turning heel, but the way they handled it was just dumb. And the match’s action was absolutely flaccid beyond the first five minutes. I guess that’s the problem with G-rated WWE, and I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. I guess I keep asking for disappointment.

But that said, almost everything concerning the RAW brand went well. The opening match absolutely stole the show and was one of the best matches I’ve seen all year. The Divas title, though still a silly side show (which is far below what most of the women are capable of) had a good night. Clearly Natalya isn’t done, and she clicked well with Michelle, making her look good and credible. Cena/Nexus was a decent match and this change of environment can do absolutely nothing but help Cena’s stale character unless they somehow reverse it tomorrow night, which would be lame as hell. Orton/Sheamus, the match, was pretty flaccid as well, but Orton/Sheamus, the story, moved along all right. We all know I don’t like Orton, but he retained decisively, so I guess that’s something.

And then there’s Edge, who has now become the #2 most interesting thing in all WWE. Edge: Stupidity Sherriff, if handled right, can become one of the best stories of 2010. And of course, we know Edge can back it up in the ring too. I can’t wait for RAW.

SD basically didn’t really have anything going on. No CM Punk, no Rey, ADR didn’t do anything but talk… I don’t know. We had 17 extra minutes plus the 5 or so of Orton’s gay celebration that could have all gone to at least something with the SES.

All right, I guess that’s enough for now. I’m still a little hyped here but blathering in the recap isn’t going to help matters. I’m stoked for RAW but somewhat disappointed by tonight. I’ll see tomorrow with the RAW recap, everyone. Have a good night!

Rating (out of 5): 2.75 overall, 5.0 for the opener.