My favorite scene had to be when Kirk was trying to bang the green alien chick, mostly because not only did it hearken back to the original series, but because the alien didn’t look like an alien, but rather a human PAINTED to look like an alien. Like, she just looked like an actress with green paint on her, absurdly cheap special effects that you normally find only in indy films anymore. Because that was the only part of the movie that was remotely cheap, I have to think it was intentional, a call back to the camp of the original series. And it worked. 
  

I watched it on Instant though… I finally got off my ass and mailed back my GI Joe disc, so now I’m waiting for… uh… State of Play, I think. Oh, and speaking of movies, several people have pointed out that last week, when I said CM Punk calling Big Show “Captain Insane-o” made no sense, that that was Big Show’s character’s name on The Waterboy. I had forgotten he was even in that movie, but a YouTube clip reminded me. That was one of the few Sandler movies I really enjoyed.

One more thing before we get to the show. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start recapping NXT because… well, I think because I’m a masochist. Hell, I’ve got a bunch more free time now that my life has gone to hell, may as well fill it up with ways so I don’t disappoint any more women!

It’s especially going to be fun in a few weeks when NXT stops being shown on Syfy and starts being shown exclusively on WWE.com. In a way, it’s me returning to whence I came… Remember back when I started here at OO, I was doing Byte This!? You don’t? That’s probably for the best… BT was terrible. Anyway, I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to do NXT recaps, but it’s going to be a treat for everyone who can’t get enough of my awesomely witty writing and blah blah blah.

Segment 1: We’re starting tonight by cold-opening to Nexus, standing in the middle of the ring, absorbing boos. Wade Barrett speaks first, taking credit for obliterating Undertaker single-handedly last week, conveniently forgetting Kane’s new “Undertaker powers” that helped things along. David Otunga then pipes in that that proves that Nexus is so totally the new phenom in WWE. After all, they’re down two people—Darren Young kicked out and Skip Sheffield injured—and still beat the hell out of the dead man.

Now it’s Michael Tarver’s turn, who says that Chris Jericho and Edge were so scared of them that they took themselves out of the main event. Tarver passes the mic to Heath Slater, who says that he pinned Sheamus, WWE Champion, meaning he’s so totally better than the champ. Again, he conveniently sidesteps the point that Nexus beat the crap out of him five-on-one first.

Justin Gabriel takes the mic then and says he did something more impressive than that… by hitting his finisher on Taker and John Cena on the same night. JG says that Cena can see him… crashing down on Cena’s corpse over and over, since this is like the fifth time he’s hit the 450 on Cena.

Wade takes back the mic and puts himself over for finishing Randy Orton and pinning him, though he doesn’t say that he did it in one move, which would have been better. Anyway, Wade goes on that at Night of Champions, he’s going to win the WWE Championship, despite having to go over five guys to do it.

And here comes Randy Orton to respond to, of course, a huge pop. Maybe at this point Orton is the #1 face of the company, as sad as that is. Despite the fact that he doesn’t go any farther than the stage, his “entrance” lasts a good minute or two even though he spends it just staring at the ring. Finally his music fades in mid-verse, which finally pokes Randy to talk.

Orton correctly points out that what he accomplished taking out two of Nexus in 30 seconds, and threatens to do it again… and then just keeps talking. Orton says that he wants to win at Night of Champions, but even if he doesn’t, his main goal is to just RKO Wade at the PPV. Wade says fuck the PPV, why don’t you try it now.

Orton starts to move, but then GM Vista e-mails Michael Cole. Our GM says that Nexus was totally awesome last week… as a team. So tonight, each member gets to fight others one-on-one. This includes Cena vs. Gabriel and Orton vs. Wade. Oh, and: Nexus is banned from ringside for those matches. Nexus throws a hissy fit, Orton smirks, and we’re done.

You know what I noticed a couple weeks ago, but never mentioned? When there is a reverse camera angle of Cole reading the e-mails, you can see on the computer screen that all the e-mails for the night are written there for him. You can even see the divider lines for when Cole is supposed to wait for the next cue, just in case he’s a total idiot. I saw two divider lines, so I bet we’re going to see three total e-mails from GM Vista tonight.

Pre-Segment 2: Ah, and here comes the second e-mail now. After CJ makes his entrance, Cole reads off that after last week’s embarrassment with Edge and CJ walking out of the main event, if they pull that shit again tonight, or lose their respective matches, they’re kicked out of the six pack challenge main event at Night of Champions.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Match was good, and ended with a Starship Pain. What’s wacky here is that CJ isn’t going to Night of Champions, and remember that last week, he had said that if he doesn’t win at Night of Champions, he’s leaving WWE forever.

After the match, CJ looks absolutely stunned, on the verge of tears. Despite a “Y2J! Y2J!” chant, he gets out of the ring with his head hung and his jaw dropped. He can’t even make it all the way to the back: he just flops down on his ass on the ring steps as he contemplates his career. After a moment, he goes on and walks to the back, pausing a couple times as he thinks about things.

Pre-Segment 3: MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

…And after she hits the ring, Alicia Fox hits the ring and says if anyone is going to be the “Undefined” Women’s Champion, it’s going to be her. She continues blathering as she gets in the ring, even giving My Melina a little mocking air kiss. Melina, for her part, can’t stop laughing that Alicia said “Undefined.”

And goddamn, what an ass. Even Firewoman was marveling at that thing in those skin-hugging pinkish/purplish tights.

Segment 3 [Singles Match for the WWE Divas Title]: My Melina defeats Alicia Fox by pin, and retains. As if that result was in any doubt. The match wasn’t sloppy, per se, but it wasn’t smooth or pretty. The end game was entered when Melina and Alicia were both in the corner, and Melina hopped up on Alicia’s shoulders to do the Pyro’s Fantasy Powerbomb.

However, Alicia didn’t want to play along, and dumped Melina over the ropes. She landed on the apron though, sidled into the ring, then managed to get a second opening, whereupon she hit the finisher with the longest name in WWE history: the Screaming Orgasm Johnny Cage Split Leg Drop of Doom into Pyro’s Pants-Creaming Pin. Seriously, that’s the official name, go look it up.

Segment 4: Miz is in the back, looking at… something. It’s behind a black curtain, and he says to Josh Mathews that whatever it is is perfect. Whatever it is, it’s all about Miz, and “the world is going to learn all about the Road to Awesome.” I’m scared—so very, very scared—but I want to journey on the Road to Awesome.

Segment 5: Edge is in the back, ranting to Zack Ryder of all people, saying that it’s so totally unfair that he has to put his spot in the six-man match at NOC because he shoved the referee last week. “What no one knows is that he was making terrible remarks under his breath about my mom. I mean, what’s up with that? I love my mom!”

Zack replies: “I know, I love her too!”

Okay, here’s the thing: that would have been funny in almost any other context. But you can’t wear a head band that says “Woo Woo Woo,” an orange robe, and half-tights/half-briefs and still be considered cool enough to be a MILF chaser. Zack is, at best, a DILF chaser, and no one wants to associate with any of those.

Anyway, Zack says that he knows where Edge is coming from, since he knows how important championships are. He says he personally requests to be Edge’s opponent tonight. Edge’s eyes pop a little, and he replies, “I used to think you were the biggest tool in the world… but that’s brilliant!”

Again, I call bullshit. You don’t get to be on a television show nor team with a guy like Randy Orton (not to mention Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes) and get to say that someone else is the biggest tool in the world. Still funny, though. And I love how Zack just smiles in agreement at being the biggest tool on the show… maybe he thought Edge said he had the biggest tool on the show.

But anyway, Edge goes on that a match with Zack makes total sense “because it’ll be an easy win… because you suck!” Even the commentators can’t help laughing at that, and Edge says it so matter-of-factly that Zack even almost laughs to it, before saying that Edge is a jerk.

Edge ignores this, and starts talking to our GM by looking at the ceiling, calling him anonymous and all-knowing. As he turns away to feign looking for the GM under his gym bag, Zack starts looking around as well, almost like a guy trying to track an annoying fly, and has no idea Edge turned away for a moment. When Edge comes back toward the camera, he again points to the ceiling, address GM Jesus that he officially accepts Zack’s challenge, and if the GM doesn’t respect that, RAW is so totally going to have problems with RAW’s #1 wrestler. Zack, who was completely oblivious thirty seconds ago and hasn’t recovered yet, says “Woo” to stage right, “Woo” to stage left, “Woo” to the ceiling, and “You know it!” to Edge’s gym back behind him. But Edge isn’t done and threatens that “if Zack Ryder’s music doesn’t play as my opponent tonight”—which should already be telegraphing to you that something stupid is going to happen, like Zack’s music playing for Khali or something—then Edge will so totally kick the computer’s ass.

Zack looks around and goes: “Hey, uh… did you call me a tool?”

Edge blinks. “Uh… yeah.”

Zack takes off his sunglasses. “That… that really hurt my feelings bro.”

Edge just looks at him for a moment, then… no eye roll, no scowl, no squint, no anything, he just turns and leaves.

Wow. An unironcially hilarious promo that involved Zack F. Ryder. Who knew?

Segment 6: Speaking of tools, Ted DiBiase is in the back, talking on a cell phone, saying to some person that he loves whoever is on the line. Oh wait, Maryse appears and isn’t happy. But Ted was so totally talking to his mom, so you don’t have anything to worry about. Maryse then says, “Me too.”

Ted doesn’t know what’s going on, so they stand. Maryse says that she is replying “Me too” to his note. “Note?” says Teddy. She passes it over, and apparently the note says “I want you so bad.” To go along with the elementary school-caliber note is Maryse’s elementary school-caliber brain, because she still doesn’t get that Ted didn’t write it, until he bluntly says he didn’t write it.

Besides, Ted asks, who says the note is for you? Maryse asks, who else would it be for? Ted says, me, because I’m a millionaire in my 20s, because we all know that the only thing most women want out of a man is his money. Somehow, it doesn’t occur to either of them that if Ted was intended recipient of the note, it wouldn’t have been in Maryse’s locker room or wherever the fuck it was. Maryse has had it, so she starts bitching Ted out in French, even as he leaves and slams the door shut.

Yeah, that was worth it. How sad is it that I want to see more of Zack Ryder over Maryse? Oh, I need help.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats Justin Gabriel by pin. This match was one of Cena’s best that I’ve seen on RAW in awhile, and I really think it was all thanks to JG giving us a look at some wickedly unusual offense. There were some really slick spots here, including an absolutely ridiculous moonsault. Cena was on his back in the middle of the ring, so JG went to the ropes. He gauged the distance, then vaulted to do a springboard moonsault. Sounds simple, right, since we see CJ do it every week? Here’s the thing: JG vaulted to the top rope. This means that JG vaulted up, had to land on the top rope, hold his balance as he stood and released the rope with his hands, then have enough balance and leg strength to do a high-angle smooth backflip that also had enough to travel ten feet in distance. That is some amazing skill right there.

He whiffed the move, which started the end game. JG managed to snake out of an attempted FU, but when he went to the top rope in the corner, Cena followed him after crotching him. Then Cena said fuck it, let’s see if he can escape and FU while I’m standing on the ropes. Cena got JG up to his shoulders, then sorta fell off the ropes and landed on his left shin before JG actually came off and slammed himself into the mat. A little odd, but what the hell: the spot wasn’t blown enough to distract from the point nor the fun action prior to it. Cena made the pin, and I stand in awe of watching an atypical Cena match.

Segment 8: So here’s Miz to talk. He reminds us that six years ago, they were told he wasn’t needed here, being “the lowest form of life, a reality TV star” and all. He then joined Tough Enough and started hearing the voices that he wasn’t good enough to be in WWE and should just go back to MTV.

But Miz refused to cave into that, continued to working hard and doing whatever he needed to do in order to get a job. Then he got a chance to host SmackDown, which he wasn’t fond of, but the voices got louder and started demanding him to leave. But he kept going and got into a champion tag team with John Morrison, but we all kept telling him that it was JoMo who was the star, and if they split, Miz would be nothing.

And they did split. And what happened? Miz got the US Title. But that didn’t stop the bitching either, that he wouldn’t rise again. But guess what? Miz holds up the MitB briefcase. So yeah, the man who was shunned and told he didn’t belong is now the biggest star in WWE, so there, fuckwads.

And it all leads to Miz’s surprise thing… he pulls the black cover off, and look: he’s on the cover of WWE Magazine. That was a little anticlimactic, but Miz addresses the point: as a kid, he bought every issue of WWE Magazine, and dreamed about being on the cover some day. Miz smiles, and says now he has achieved his dream. So now, he wants every person in the arena to stand up and cheer him and admit that we were all wrong about him.

Naturally, everyone boos the shit out of him. But he doesn’t care… Because he’s the Miz, and he… earned the right to say “I’m awesome!!!” One hell of a promo.

…And here comes Daniel Bryan, which of course Cole starts to break his brain insulting. DB mockingly introduces himself to Miz, but then honestly congratulates him for the cover. DB says they’re more alike than Miz may think, that everyone told him he wouldn’t accomplish anything either. Miz immediately cuts in with: “They’re right! You haven’t accomplished anything in WWE!” Burn!

DB just smirks and calls it fair enough, but moves on. He points out that Miz has the belt, has a suit, and hell, even has a licensed entrance theme rather than a generic rock riff. DB’s haircut even cost only a sawbuck, for God’s sake! And he was even nearly thrown out by security, and had to show them his ID several times to remain in the arena. “If anything, I’m the anti-superstar!” Dear god, I hope that line wasn’t ad-libbed and was just a Writer Monkey’s interpretation of what a real conversation sounds like.

But one thing DB does know is that he can beat Miz, simple as that. Miz says he agrees… that DB paid ten bucks for the haircut. DB laughs. Then Miz says that he doesn’t deserve to get to face him for the US Title. DB shrugs, says he’s right… besides, if a match between did happen, then next month’s WWE Magazine cover would look something like this… and we see a shot on the Titantron of a cover with DB locking in the crossface and Miz tapping out, with “MIZ TAPS!” in big bold letters.

Now it’s Miz’s turn to stew, especially as the crowd chants “You tapped out! You tapped out!” DB then adds that he didn’t come out here to make threats or act all crazy; what he came out here to say was that he can beat Miz, he can make Miz tap, and he can be the next US Champion. Massive crowd pop.

Miz smiles and says, guess what: I don’t like you. Never liked you. Didn’t like when he was his rookie, didn’t like when he “took his place on SmackDown,” followed by an awkward pause, so I assume what that was all about was Miz meant he didn’t like DB taking his place on Team RAW against Nexus, but then flubbed the line and forgot his train of thought. Miz gets back on track though and says that he also doesn’t like DB interrupting his moment right now. And as far as DB “beating” Miz, well, Miz can annihilate DB, hurting him so bad he’ll beg to go back to the indy scene.

DB holds him up there, and just wants all this rigmarole to be done with: “You and me, US Championship match, yes or no?” Miz thinks about it… then accepts it. DB thanks him. Miz says “No no no… Thank… you…!” and swings his mic.

Ah, but DB has seen wrestling before, and knew that move was coming. DB smoothly ducks it and applies a drop toe hold, then locks Miz in his crossface. Before Miz can tap, Alex Riley of all people comes from the crowd and kicks DB in the head, breaking the hold. DB gets to his feet, and without hesitating, plants a nice roundhouse kick to Alex’s face. Miz then picks up the briefcase and goes for DB, but again DB has this scouted: he ducks the attack and back body drops Miz over the top rope. Alex wants another shot, but again DB smoothly avoids it, hitting a drop toe hold and locking Alex into the crossface. Miz doesn’t bother help out, and Alex winds up tapping despite not being in a match.

Miz picks up his briefcase eventually as DB gets up… and then DB notices the blown up cover. DB kicks it, which was incredibly weak, but whatever. Miz isn’t happy, and Cole has an aneurysm.

Pre-Segment 9: Well, I was half right… Edge hits the ring, and Khali comes out. But, he comes out to his own music. Anyway, Edge gets out of the ring as Khali makes his entrance, contemplating the laptop and trying to figure out what he wants to do with it. He finally cools down long enough to get in the ring.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Edge defeats Khali (w/ Translator) by countout. …But it seems Edge has a plan. Edge rolls out of the ring and starts parading around ringside like Frankenstein, even going so far as to imitate Khali’s retarded chop. The crowd eats this up, but Khali looks confused, and the ref is yelling at him.

So Edge breaks the count, but then goes back out and keeps up the act until he gets near Translator, whom he grabs by the lapels of his suit. Khali doesn’t like this and hauls Edge up the apron, but Edge wiggles out and retreats up the ramp, throwing a glance up to the Titantron as we see a wide shot of the ring. Hmm…

Khali follows Edge, who scoots backwards on his ass as he’s begging. Then, at the foot of the ramp, just as Khali gets to him, he kicks Khali in knee, hops up, and hauls ass into the ring. Khali limps toward the ring, but he paces himself correctly: the ref counts to ten, and doesn’t have to speed up or slow down.

Congratulations, Edge: you win using a strategy favored in the WWE SmackDown vs. RAW videogames! Way to go, champ!

Post-Segment 9: And what do you know, the third and probably final e-mail from GM Vista since we all saw two divider lines. We get a reverse shot of the computer, and we see that the final e-mail line is pretty short. And of course, so is Cole’s reading: GM Vista isn’t having any of this shit because he reads my strategy guides and knows that trick too, so he’s restarting the match. Oh, and it’s a no-DQ over the top challenge. Funky.

Segment 10 [No DQ Over the Top Singles Match]: Edge defeats Khali (w/ Translator) by one greatly fucked up spot. You know, I never thought it was possible to have a stupid singles over the top rope match to be a train wreck… but I guess when Khali is involved, you never count out a possible train wreck.

Basically, Edge got his ass kicked for a minute, then slid himself out from under the bottom rope on the west side of the ring. Khali decided to follow him… by going over the top rope. Khali then smacked Edge, just as Cole was absolutely stunned in disbelief and started asking what the hell is going on. Cole went on to explain the problem for idiots here: Khali went over the top rope, both feet hit the floor, why the fuck isn’t the match over? There was dead silence, obviously the voices in the headsets trying to figure out how to save this. Eventually, Lawler pipes in, “Well, you have to be thrown over the top rope, see.” Cole argued that it didn’t matter, which is exactly what history has taught us: the spot that came to my mind was the 1998 (I think) Royal Rumble where Drew Carey was like the fourth guy out, and he eliminated himself when Kane came down. Carey kinda waved to Kane, climbed the ropes in the corner to get over the top rope, hopped down to the apron, then left.

Meanwhile, Edge is chucked back in the ring, but he gets on his feet first. He stuns Khali, then retreats to the southeast corner. The camera zooms in on the back of his head, which is unfortunate for WWE, because we get a clear view of referee Mike Chioda’s face. He says something to Edge, shakes his head, rolls his eyes as he glances at Edge, then refocuses and gets into a baseball umpire’s position for the next move. Edge starts psyching himself up for the Spear, and absolutely no one is into it because everyone in the crowd is confused too.

At this point, Lawler is insistent that you have to be thrown over the top rope by your opponent. Just as he says that, Khali chucks Edge through the ropes on the north side of the ring. Strangely (but not really), Edge is selling being thrown through the ropes exactly how he was selling when he himself slid under the bottom rope. Again, Khali goes to follow Edge by stepping over the top rope… but he kinda just waits there as the rope crotches him. This gives Edge time to get up and grab Khali’s ankle and pull him the rest of the way to the floor, though by “pull” I mean he barely tugged him.

Edge then slides in the ring, and Lawler is left speechless as Cole asks, “Uh… is that it? Does that count as a throw?” And the ref starts yelling at Edge for a moment, pauses with his head slightly cocked, then calls for the bell. Indeed, an ankle pull counts as a “throw” here according to the voices in the ref’s earbud. So clearly, that was how the match was supposed to end in the first place, but Khali forgot, and exited the ring too quickly, then they had to sort of call a do-over even though it was the exact same result. Personally, I would have just rolled with it and tried to sell it that Khali had a lapse in judgment because he wanted to keep beating the shit out of Edge for fucking him over the first time (before GM Vista restarted the match).

Instead, Khali has to sell an ankle tug by writing at ringside, and Edge has to collapse in the middle of the ring while raising a fist as if he just won the most exhaustive match in his entire career. As Edge does this, then the ring announcer bothers to announce the winner, and the cameras catch 90% of the people in the front row giving a golf clap, which is far more respectful than I would have been. Where’s the “You fucked up! You fucked up!” chant?

After Edge gets up from the strain of his Ankle Tug of Doom, Lawler and Cole continue to argue about what’s going on. Clearly, Cole has forgotten this isn’t NXT and that he shouldn’t be breaking the fourth wall by drawing attention to WWE’s inconsistencies, but Lawler, god bless him, is still trying to save this. He’s like the captain of the Titanic after it’s already half-sunk, telling Cole that “what Cole thinks doesn’t matter.” Still, Lawler is able to sneak in one comment that shows he knows that the spot was completely blown: “I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” Yep, that’s more like WWE’s current modus operandi: those voices in their headsets are telling them that there is never a mistake within the ropes, and therefore in this instance, the Ankle Tug of Doom was worth more than Khali stepping over the top rope under his own power. Idiots.

Segment 11: Josh Mathews is in the back to interview Jericho, who is staring up at nothing. CJ stays silent to every question. Eventually, Josh leaves… and then JoMo appears and sits beside him. JoMo says: “Still think you’re the best in world at what you do?” More silence. JoMo puts an arm around CJ and says, “Don’t worry man, things’ll get better.” CJ looks at JoMo disgustedly, and JoMo adds a statement by stealing one of CJ’s many catchphrases: “Do you understand what I’m saying to you?” CJ takes a moment but then looks back at nothing, though now he’s got a sharp sneer on his face.

Pre-Segment 12: We’re going to a five-man booth: Cena, Edge, and Sheamus are all here to be on guest commentary. Cena’s happy, Edge is pissed, and Sheamus just looks confused. That’s about the gist of their personalities, you know.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Wade Barrett by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. We ended with some bizarre music that I hadn’t heard before, and out comes… huh, Darren Young, with a mic. He starts talking shit to Wade, about how Wade can’t just up and kick him out of the group. “I’m not the weakest link… I’m the missing link!” Whatever, dude.

So Wade is distracted, eats an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!, and we’re out.

Post-Segment 12: For God knows what reason, Young gets in the ring to talk to Orton… who promptly RKOs him. Then Sheamus hops up on the apron, and Edge sneaks in from behind for a Spear attempt. Orton uses his Trouser Snake Powers to sense it coming, dodges the Spear, then RKOs Edge. Sheamus then pops in and goes for the Blarney Boot, but Orton ducks it and hits a fourth RKO. Cena is nowhere to be seen, which is just as well.

Oh wait, there he is… he gets in ring and does a Staredown of Intense Rivalry. Because, you know, it’s not like we’ve seen the Orton/Cena matchup before or anything.

Final Thoughts: What a weird show. We have Edge and Zack Ryder do a kick ass entertainment promo, Miz and Daniel Bryan do an absolutely bitching wrestling angle that instantly gets me fired up for a match between them, one surprisingly kickass match between Cena and Justin Gabriel, and one surprisingly awful train wreck between Edge and Khali. Oh, and we can’t forget the line of the night, as we were introduced to WWE’s first Undefined Women’s Champion. Seriously: what the fuck? Each of those are a must-watch, but one for an entirely different reason.

Oh, and the Jericho/JoMo match was pretty sweet too, and is definitely a should-watch. On any other night, it would have been the talk of the episode. This week, there a bunch of awesome, silly, and/or stupid things it had to contend with. But if you love actual wrestling action, be sure to check it out. I have it on good authority that Firewoman watched it six times in a row, which I’m totally sure has everything to do with the wrestling moves only.

Next week is going to be “RAW Roulette,” whatever that is. They’re selling it as a “premier, for the first time ever,” but I have a feeling it’s the exact same thing they did years ago with Eric Bischoff and the wheel of whatever, where the guys get to be in lucky or unlucky match gimmicks. Not a complaint, I always enjoyed it.

This recap has broken 5000 words, which is a shit-ton in the All You Need To Know era of OO, so I’m calling it a night. I’ll be around tomorrow for our first recap of the all-girl six-contestant NXT Season 3.

Rating (out of 5): 4.0