I tried taking vitamins lately, specifically Men’s One-A-Day Energy, but I didn’t feel any different at all. I’ve had to go back to drinking soda just because I seem to need the caffeine to get through the day. I wanted to drink tonight too—hey, Coke is good for more than a caffeine buzz with a bottle of Jack around, which reminds me that I need to go out and buy a new bottle since I’m almost out—but even without the alcohol, I pretty much passed out two hours ago. This is good for you, though, because I get to write the recap with a clear mind! 
  

…Well, not CLEAR, but “relatively awake.” Which means I don’t have to get lazy when My Melina shows up and I start just calling her “Melina,” or for our Turd Generation Wrestler. And after this? Hopefully I can get back to sleep for work tomorrow. Man, work sucks… I still think I should get paid for being a Damn Fine Gentlemen. It would be way more fair.

Okay, let’s get to the show. It’s the 900th episode, remember? Aren’t you stoked? I always find my DVR fascinating: DISH Network’s little guide is reporting that this is RAW’s 889th episode. It also called the finale of “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode 220, but the episode before it episode 221. I wonder where DISH Network’s guide thingy gets its episode numbers.

Segment 1: After a self-fellatio video package, it’s announced that we’re getting a modified rematch of SummerSlam, with a 5-on-5 elimination tag match between Team WWE and Nexus tonight as the main event.

But first, we’re going to open the show with Bret Hart. Huh… even though Bret’s been around for almost a year at this point, I guess with the special atmosphere of this being the 900th episode, it feels… special and surreal he’s here. I really can’t wait to see what WWE will do in two years when the 1000th episode is ready to air.

Bret is here to give us a quickie history lesson that RAW started 17 years ago. He says back then, he wondered if RAW would even “catch on,” but now it’s clearly “doing pretty damn good.” He helps self-fellate WWE as well, then that he was there for the very first episode. However, there is only one more man on the whole roster who was there then too… The Undertaker! So, Bret thought it would be appropriate that—

BOOM! Kane’s pyros go off, and the Big Red Machine hauls ass to the ring. Kane grabs a mic and says that there is no “Undertaker” anymore: he’s been in a Veggie Tales state, and a shell of his former self. He’s just a broken, battered, normal man… just like Bret: weak, feeble, scraggly, over the hill, irreversibly damaged. Hell, Taker’s not been Taker since WrestleMania.

And, Kane goes on, wasn’t it great for Bret to see Shawn Michael’s career end that night? That although they buried the hatchet, he got his ass handed to him? Wasn’t that something to savor? Bret responds that all he’s going to saver is when Taker kicks his ass like he always does. Kane just laughs that off, says that Bret now sounds like Taker.

Kane says that all doesn’t matter, because all Kane has wanted was to step out of his brother’s shadow… but then goes and says that because Taker took out an icon in Shawn Michaels, Kane needs to take an icon out too. That to me sounds like Kane is still trying to follow in his brother’s footsteps. I wonder if he sees the irony?

So of course his choice of icon to eliminate is Bret Hart, and Kane wraps his hand around Bret’s throat. DH Smith and Tyson Kidd hit the ring to make the save, but are fought off. Bret still tries to defend himself with a few punches, but Kane still gets his hand on the Hit Man.

Lights go out.

When they come back on, Bret’s in the corner gasping for air, with Kane against the west ropes, and Taker standing between them. Kane gives him a stiff look, but just leaves with a smile and says that it’s time to fight yet.

As Kane bails, GM Windows Vista sends an e-mail to Michael Cole. The GM says, what the hell, let’s go ahead and have a main event that befits the historic night: Taker vs. Bret. So I guess the GM reversed himself from last week that he’ll never have Bret compete on RAW… but, clearly, the deck is stacked against the poor guy.

Taker reacts by turning and staring at Bret angrily. Bret, for his part, just smiles: he knows the GM is a jerk, and he’s used to having to deal with stupidity since the first episode. He’s not afraid of Taker per se, and just leaves. Taker starts pacing around, looking less pissed, and just more annoyed.

Segment 2 [Triple Threat Tag Match]: The Miz & Alex Riley defeat Kaval & Daniel Bryan by pin and outlast Kofi Kingston & Matt McGillicutty. Very fun match, exciting with constant action, and we got to see Kaval bust out some kick ass moves that I honestly can’t describe really well. He was pretty much bouncing off everyone and everything and kicking all sorts of ass, busting out his finisher on Matt. However, immediately after doing that, Miz came out of nowhere with a Skull Crushing Finale and ended the match.

After the match, Miz started to leave, and Alex was on the apron taunting Daniel Bryan, who was in the ring. DB did a nice sidestep kick to Alex’s face, sending him flying, but Miz came running back and smashed DB in the face with that poor MitB briefcase. Alex picked himself off the floor and celebrated with Miz over DB’s corpse.

Pre-Segment 3: MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: My Melina & Eve Torres reverse-squash Layla & Michelle McCool by pin. Match was lame as hell. Layla kicked My Melina’s ass for about 90 seconds, then decided to tag out. But as Layla went for the tag, Melina shoved her from behind, forcing Layla to fall and essentially Spear Michelle off the apron. As Layla tried to figure out what the hell happened, Melina rolled her up for a quick three-count. Eve and Michelle never got in the ring.

My Melina left the ring by dropping to the canvas and slithering her ass out from under the bottom rope. So hot.

Post-Segment 3: Laycool grabs a couple mics, with Michelle saying that that win was just like Melina: totally forgettable. But here’s the thing, because she’s so forgettable, they want to challenge her to a two-on-one match at Night of Champions to unify the women’s belts, which will so totally just mean Melina loses hers.

Melina magically gets a mic and says that she knew that they were going to propose something like that, and she totally accepts. No word on whether she’s accepting the proposal from her favorite Online Onslaught recapper, but I’m sure that’ll be in next week’s episode.

Oh wait, Melina isn’t done talking. She says that she’ll only accept their little match if it’s a lumberjack match. (I’m infinitely glad WWE didn’t make her say “lumberjill.”) Laycool angrily agrees.

And then pretty much every other diva on the roster pops out of the back and flanks Eve and My Melina, which makes Laycool start bitching them all out. That’s when Michael Cole drops “lumberjill.” Sigh. I wish Jim Ross could be here.

Segment 4: Nexus is blathering in the back, with Michael Tarver getting overly excited that “everyone is saying” how Nexus is weak since Darren Young was booted and Skip Sheffield broke his ankle. Huh, really? When did that happen? Last week? Or was it off-camera? [Ed. Note: it was a house show in Ricky Steamboat's Homeland of Hawaii... sloppy-ass Sheffield gives Steamboat a brain anuerysm, and as soon as he goes to Hawaii, and episode of "The Brady Bunch" breaks out, and he breaks his own ankle. That's either wicked irony, or one wicked Dragon Curse~!]

Anyway, David Otunga is pissed back because he thinks Tarver doesn’t have enough team spirit. Wade Barrett tells them all to shut the hell up and focus on their current objective: winning the five-on-five match tonight and so he can win the WWE Championship in a few weeks. But beyond that, he wants Nexus to do something tonight that will “get people talking forever,” and he knows just what that’s going to be tonight. We fade out to commercial, but my curiosity is piqued.

Segment 5: Josh Mathews in the back and interviews Chris Jericho, who says that he is the best in the world at what he does, but actually is: the phrase isn’t intended to be a catchphrase for a T-shirt. He wants to put his money where his mouth is though, and says that if he doesn’t win the WWE Championship at Night of Champions, then he’s going to leave WWE forever.

Josh starts to say that CJ has been fired or has threatened to leave “dozens of times” by now, so how much meaning does this one actually have? Jericho puts his hand on the mic to lower it away from Josh’s mouth, causing Josh to make an expression like he swallowed something that tasted awful. CJ finally responds that he’s got so much confidence in his abilities that he’s going to prove to everyone tonight in the five-on-five match that he’s the best in the world, so we just need to watch.

Hmm… Again, interest is piqued.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre draw with John Morrison & R-Truth due to a double disqualification. This match was supposed to get the #1 contender team for the WWE Tag Titles, but after about 20 seconds, all four guys were in the ring beating the hell out of each other. The ref called for the bell because he didn’t want to deal with the chaos.

After the match, the assault continued, with the faces getting the upper hand. The final blow was JoMo throwing Drew head-first into the GM Vista’s podium, which actually did look a little sick. JoMo and Truth walk away with a moral victory, but it didn’t do much good in figuring out which team is the #1 contender.

Segment 7: Bret and Undertaker hit the ring for their match. After making their entrances, Nexus’s music fires up, and here comes Wade Barrett. Wade says that this match isn’t going to happen because when people think about the 900th episode of RAW, they’re going to be thinking about the future of WWE, rather than two legends stinking up the place. So he’s going to “delouse” Bret and prove that “Taker really is… a dead man.”

Strong words, and Wade slides into the ring, where he quickly gets his ass handed to him by Taker, who clearly doesn’t care who he’s beating up as long as he gets to throw some punches.

With Wade tossed out of the ring, Taker faces down Bret, who is mouthing “Wow!” Taker readies himself…

Lights go out.

A couple gongs sound, which is certainly confusing. When they come back on, Bret is nowhere to be seen, but Kane is suddenly there. A few punches are thrown, with Taker getting the upper hand. He gets his hand around Kane’s throat…

Lights go out.

A couple more gongs, and when we get sight again, Kane is gone. Nexus’s music then fires up, and the remaining four men of Nexus arrive. They, with Wade, surround the ring. Tarver gets up first and east a punch, and Nexus attacks in Dumb Ninja Fashion, getting their asses kicked.

Lights go out.

When we get vision again, Kane is standing on the stage, Nexus is all in the ring, and Wade has Taker up on his shoulders. The fuck? Wade hits his finisher, then drags his body over to the corner. Justin Gabriel jumps to the top rope, licks his lips, then hits the 450 splash as Kane looks on from the stage. Kane doesn’t look especially happy, nor satisfied… he just looks… like Taker deserves all this.

Taker takes a few breaths, then tries a zombie sit up, but he’s like me when I try to do a sit up: he looks pained and is more rolling up to his side rather than forward. Finally, Taker gets a hernia, and just collapses back down. Now Kane is laughing with satisfaction. Aw, poor dead man.

Jerry Lawler makes the unfortunate comment, “It’s like Kane has Undertaker powers now!” What the fuck is this, a Marvel comic?

…Wait, that actually makes some sense, that WWE is like a comic book. You know what? Complaint withdrawn.

Pre-Segment 8: Jack Swagger appears and talks shit as he heads down the ramp, saying how awesome it is that he’s back and bringing the swagger back to RAW. Oh, and he also takes a shot at Johnny Damon, because they’re in Boston, which pisses off the crowd.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger defeats Evan Bourne by submission. Match was, uh, pretty much not seen. Within five seconds of starting, Alberto Del Rio’s music starts up. He drives a Bentley to the stage and honks the shit out of it, and makes his full entrance, including with his personal ring announcer who has materialized out of nowhere like Nightcrawler—hell, why not go all the way and just say that the ring announcer just BAMFed in—and announces ADR’s name with his music blaring the whole time.

ADR even takes the time to pose at the end of the ramp, flashing his smirk and dimples to everyone, then walks around the south side of the ring as Evan floors Jack. Evan whiffs on the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press while Michael Cole orgasms at the sight of ADR, and Jack slaps on the ankle lock to finish it.

Jack’s music plays out the match but ADR finds a mic and starts talking over it, introducing himself and cuts a promo to put himself over. This is the kind of ridiculous chaos I like in wrestling when it’s done in small amounts! I loved it! I actually like ADR now!

Post-Segment 8: …Oh, he’s still talking. ADR insults Rey Mysterio in the process, saying that thanks to him (ADR), we won’t see Rey tonight. Uh oh, the camera cuts back to a wide shot to show us that Evan is still in the ring. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Yep, ADR says that we didn’t get to see what happened to Rey because we’re a RAW audience (or he just knows that the penetration rate for MyTV sucks), so he’s going to “recreate the magical moment.” He grabs a chair, slides in the ring, then immediately drops the chair to slap on the cross-legged armbar. With Evan’s added flexibility and ADR putting more of his back into it, the armbar looks sick as fuck.

ADR stops that after a few seconds and chucks Evan out of the ring, then grabs his chair again. He follows Evan out of the ropes, puts his arm in the chair to shatter his shoulder (which he supposedly did to Rey too on Friday)…

But here comes Mark Henry to make the save. As soon as ADR heard his music, he ran over with his chair to answer the challenge, but Mark just punched the chair out of his hands. ADR decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and just left while smirking the whole way. Mark looked unhappy, but who cares.

Segment 9: Hm, here comes the Straightedge Society. Well, rather, he comes CM Punk with his acolytes in tow. I just noticed that Punk gets the SES logo next to his name in the wrestler banner as he makes his entrance… I wonder how long that’s been going on?

Punk gets a mic and… okay, well, prior to their entrance, we saw a quick cut of a segment from forever ago when Mick Foley did a “This is your life” presentation to the Rock. After making his entrance now, Punk says, “You know who I’m better than…? The Rock.” Wow, talk about a cavalcade of boos, buddy. “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t make crappy movies like The Tooth Fairy.” Wow.

Punk continues blathering that we all like Rock and miss him… but he doesn’t. See, Rock “epitomizes this septic tank of a show.” Wow. Punk says that 900 episodes is sure a milestone, but that RAW is 900 episodes of anti-family values. “Want proof? I got two words for ya!”

Crowd: “SUCK IT!!!”

Punk: [head shake] “Katie Vick.” BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Even the crowd can’t quite contain its laughter. “If you don’t get it, YouTube it: it’ll drive you to drink. Then, you can come see me so I can save you!” Lawler even starts laughing at this point; though he’s clearly trying to stifle it, his headset picks him up.

This is how you cut a promo, kids. God, I forget how brilliant Punk is on the mic sometimes.

So Punk goes on that he’s here to show us four of the worst moments of RAW, and he’s going to be judge, jury, and executioner about how horrible RAW is.

First up is “property damage,” from early 2009 when Triple H broke into Randy Orton’s house and beat the shit out of him. Second up is “irresponsible behavior” from mid-2006, when Cena threw Edge into some water; does Punk forget that Kane did this to Rey like a month ago? Punk hilarious says “I would never throw another competitor into any body of water… that’s just poor sportsmanship.” But he delivers line where he’s clearly self-aware at how ridiculous everything is, which just makes this whole thing even better. I have a feeling Punk is going to win Promo of the Night here.

Third up is “trespassing,” way the hell back in 1998 when DX tried to break into WCW’s arena. I still agree with Trips in the Monday Night Wars DVD, where what WCW should have done is actually let them in, because everyone would have switched stations to TBS (or TNT, whatever the hell network it was on) to see what would have happened, which just would have boosted WCW’s ratings.

Anyway, fourth up is “dumb,” or more specifically, “excessive alcohol via firehose.” Poor Santino… that was 2007.

We cut back to Punk, who is just shaking his head and holding the bridge of his nose with a horrible headache. The crowd tries to fire up an “Austin! Austin!” chant, and Punk gets to be a bigger dick by interrupting the chant. He says that he doesn’t get why all these people would cheer a man like that; he knows they would take out loans or remortgage their houses just to see Austin walk down the ramp RIGHT NOW and spray Punk with beer too!

…And as he says this, the in-ring camera man moves around behind the SES, giving us a clear view of the ramp, which isn’t just foreshadowing, it’s retardedness on the part of the director monkey in the production truck. But whatever: the glass breaks, the crowd goes apeshit, and Punk overplays being shocked and scared.

HA! It was a trick! Punk was just fucking with everyone! No one comes out! Punk just laughs! So shocking!

But again, because Punk is self-aware, he falls down and starts literally “rofl.” When the crowd boos him, Punk boos them back, even blows them a raspberry. This is now officially one of the greatest promos in the history of RAW.

Punk says he’s glad we’re all disappointed and upset, and we got what we deserve. But now it’s time to end this, and Punk wants to leave on a high note: by showing a clip from SmackDown, which gives us wholesome family values. The clip in question? Brock Lesnar superplexing Big Show off the top rope and collapsing the ring.

Punk says that he could watch the clip till time eternal because everything about it represents what Punk could never be: criminally obese. “I don’t know who the other guy was, but Show is so fat, he broke the ring.” Double burn?

And here comes Big Show, for realz, which pisses off Punk because he hates being interrupted. He calls Show “Captain Insane-o,” which doesn’t make any sense, but one miss from a stellar 10-minute promo is nothing bad. Anyway, Show gets in the ring, laughing at the retarded nickname.

Show says that he’s disappointed because Punk went with a fat joke. “C’mon man, I’ve lost weight!” Then he looks at his own ass. “Okay, I found it.” Ha! Self-deprecating humor! As Punk hides behind Luke Gallows and Joey Mercury, Show goes on that if Punk really wanted to embarrass him, he would have brought up something like when Eddie Guerrero gave him a “tainted burrito,” and he had the shits for a week. I don’t remember that, and I’m probably better off.

The crowd fires up a crazy-loud “Eddie! Eddie!” chant, which Show respects before going on. He mentions when he had “forty yards of silk going… everywhere” when he did some sumo thing, and also that time he got caught on camera kissing Vickie Guerrero. I don’t remember the sumo thing either, but I do remember the Vickie kiss, though I couldn’t tell you how long ago that was or what the point of the story was.

Anyway, Show just goes on that he makes people laugh, he entertains us, that’s what he does! It includes impersonations… and then Show does Hulk Hogan’s voice and mannerisms while putting over the SES, and even wants a high-five. The crowd digs it, but Punk says, “I thought you said you were entertaining. That was boring! You’re not funny, and nobody likes you.”

Well, now Show’s feelings are hurt, though his hand is still in the high-five position, which is probably significant. “That was mean,” he says. Punk responds that Show may want a high-five, but there is nothing “high” about the SES, and that’s what makes them better than Show. Show replies, “I’m not high, I’m just tall,” and brings down his hand on Punk’s face.

Punk immediately bails as Luke tries to fight—Joey’s arm is in a sling (what’s that about? I didn’t even notice it until now) and stays back—but Luke is quickly beaten down and tossed from the ring. The SES retreats to Show’s music, and the crowd is pretty happy.

Segment 10: Josh Mathews interviews Sheamus on the stage, who says that everyone is here to celebrate RAW’s milestone… except Triple H, who’s never going to come back, thanks to him. Sheamus guesses that that’s why he’s being punished by dealing with a six-man match at Night of Champions, and it’s not fair! And further, one of the guys of that match is Orton, who tried to put him in the hospital! Clearly, WWE is discriminating against Sheamus because he’s Irish, and no champion in the history of RAW has ever been treated this badly, ever.

Edge’s music fires up, and he pops out of the back to meet Sheamus on the stage. Edge says that since he’s debuted on RAW, he’s been thrown into water, had psychos break up his wedding, had ex-employees run through the crowd and assault him, beaten with chairs, broken tables with his body… but the thing is, throughout all that, he’s given back three times as much damage as he’s taken.

Edge runs down his resume: 29 titles, winner of a Royal Rumble, winner of a King of the Ring tournament, and now he’s going to add another notch by winning the “six-pack challenge.” This will send Sheamus “back to the lab with Bunsen Honeydew”—which has to be the first Sesame Street reference in the history of RAW—and it doesn’t matter to Edge, because he’s going to be WWE Champion. Edge doesn’t even give Sheamus a chance to respond as he heads to the ring for the main event.

Segment 11 [10-Man Elimination Tag Match]: I’ll do this one per-elimination…

Elimination #1 is Chris Jericho by countout, who leaves the match immediately. Uh… okay. This was after drawing a huge “Y2J! Y2J!” chant for no reason.

Elimination #2 is Edge by disqualification, who just immediately shoves the ref to the ground. So within ten seconds, it’s 5-on-3. Strange.

Elimination #3 is Sheamus by pin from Heath Slater, who basically got his ass handed to him by the whole of Nexus, who managed to keep him from tagging out. It was pretty one-sided, and pissed off Cena something fierce.

Elimination #4 is Heath Slater by pin from John Cena, because Cena came in and took out his frustration on Slater. Clothesline, body slam, Five Knuckle Shuffle, FU, goodbye.

Elimination #5 is David Otunga by submission from John Cena. Nexus tried the same strategy with Cena as they did with Sheamus, but Cena used his Superwigger powers to kick out of pin attempts. Finally, Otunga made a mistake, being a little slow picking Cena up from the mat, and was caught in the SSTF.

Elimination #6 is John Cena by pin from Justin Gabriel. As soon as Cena got the submission win, he rolled over and sold a pain in his ribs. Gabriel immediately hopped up to the top ropes, hit the 450, and made the pin. We had a delayed count because the ref got a little overanxious and slid out of the ring in the process of making the count, but Cena was done.

Elimination #7 is Justin Gabriel by pin from Randy Orton, because as soon as Cena left, Orton got in the ring and did a patented RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~! to finish him.

Elimination #8 is Michael Tarver by pin from Randy Orton, because as soon as Justin left, Tarver tried a running clothesline. Orton ducked, hit another RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!, and made a pin.

Final elimination is Randy Orton by pin from Wade Barrett, because Wade took a page out of Orton’s playbook and quickly hit him with his finisher. I believe this means Orton fell to one (1) move, because he never entered the ring prior to Cena’s elimination. Some #2 babyface he’s supposed to be.

Anyway, those last five eliminations happened within about 30 seconds total. Wade wins for Nexus and is your Sole Survivor. He stands over Orton, and this is a moral victory that proves he’s ready to win the six-pack challenge.

Final Thoughts: Is it me, or is it telling that the best promo work for the 900th episode of RAW was SmackDown guys?

Eh, whatever. Fun night, and not just because of the promo work, though it was mostly because of that. The divas’ match was useless even though it contained My Melina. Ditto the tag match, which was useless for being so short and didn’t really add to any sort of heat for the teams.

The main event was pretty entertaining even though Orton’s final elimination was disappointing. I’m not upset that it was short in and of itself; it annoys me though that WWE wants us to take their main eventers seriously even though they get buried. Then again, this is Wade Barrett we’re talking about: it’s not like Orton fell to one move from Santino Marella. So, meh, whatever.

This episode is a must-watch, qualified with two statements: it’s only a must-watch given the era of pro wrestling we’re in, and it’s a must-watch given that the promo work was way stronger than the match work. If you watch wrestling strictly for the action, the main event is a should-watch but not vital. If you’re just a general WWE or wrestling fan and want to be entertained, do yourself a favor and check out Punk’s promo: it is, absolutely, one of the best promos I’ve seen in a long time that didn’t involve Shawn Michaels.

I’ll see you on Saturday for SD, everyone. Hopefully I can get to sleep now…

Rating (out of 5): 4.0