Segment 1: My favorite of all time, Bret “Hit Man” Hart hits the ring to start off the show. He starts by saying that he’s been busting his ass in Calgary training for SummerSlam—one look at his shirt says that he’s been “training” by going to comic book conventions—and is now disappointed in seeing the Anti-Nexus falling apart. Bret even feels like an ass for personally vouching to John Cena for Chris Jericho and Edge, only to have them quit the team. But Bret is sure it’s never too late to repair a broken machine or relationship (God I hope that’s true), and summons CJ and Edge to have a chat. 
  

CJ comes down after a pregnant pause, but Edge is nowhere to be seen. CJ taunts Bret to make his big speech about team harmony, but Bret cuts him off, saying he’s not here to blather. He just wants CJ to man up and help defeat Nexus, because if he doesn’t, he’s not hurting anyone on the team; he’s hurting CJ himself. See, Bret figures that CJ is ostracized from Nexus, as well as the other members of the RAW roster, so he (and Edge) will have nowhere to go. “You’ll be dogs without bones,” a problem I certainly don’t have when My Melina is in the ring.

CJ considers Bret’s words, but still says no, and blathers with his usual rhetoric, finishing that Bret isn’t really upset about losing to Nexus, but rather he’s scared about getting his ass kicked by CJ tonight. (Remember that Edge and CJ fight Cena and Bret in main event.) CJ goes on that no one can replace himself and Edge, and just like 14 years ago, Bret is screwed. He’s not interested in teaming with Cena, and is less interested in teaming with him.

And here comes Edge, which causes CJ to smirk, because clearly Edge will agree with him, right? Edge starts by trying to convince CJ that he’s an idiot, since Bret is his idol from his youth. I’m waiting for Edge to scream “Gotchya!,” but no: Edge actually goes ahead and says that he’s totally in. CJ leaves because he can’t believe it, and Edge shakes Bret’s hand… then tries to kick him. Uh huh.

Bret saw it coming though, grabbed his foot, and tripped Edge. Bret went for the Sharpshooter, but then CJ came in. A thumb to the eye was enough, and the heels left.

This caused Natalya to come bounding down the ramp with her glorious cleavage, but she wasn’t there to make a save or to really check on Bret. She’s got a message, but we all see it when the Titantron displays Nexus beating the shit out of Tyson Kidd and DH Smith. Wade Barrett taunts Bret, and Nexus leaves the locker room. Bret and Natalya haul ass to the back as we go to commercial.

Segment 2: After commercial, the Hart Dynasty is being attended to by medics. Bret grabs a chair and wants to go after Nexus, but Cena appears and stops him. He convinces Bret to just chill, since that’s what Nexus wants. Cena says his priority needs to figure out who exactly is on the team, so he heads off to find Khali while Bret stays with Kidd.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Miz defeats Evan Bourne by pin. Good match, with a couple sweet spots by Evan. The first one was a bizarre counter, where Miz had Evan up for a vertical suplex. To get out of it, Evan started kneeing the top of Miz’s head, which just looked weird, but pretty cool.

Something was absolutely amazing came a minute later, when Miz threw Evan toward the corner. Evan climbed the ropes as Miz charged. Evan stood on the middle rope, his back to Miz, whose own back was to the corner. Evan glanced over his shoulder, then jumped up and backwards, landing perfectly on Miz’s shoulders, and dropping backwards and down with a huracanrana. You have to realize, this spot was done with both guys blind to the actual jump: they were both trusting that Evan would perfectly calculate the distance and height he needed with just a quick glance over his shoulder, and neither guy could make the slightest correction in case there was a problem. Blowing that spot would have looked stupid at best (if Evan jumped too far or too high), and possibly painful at worst (if Evan’s jump was too low or too close and he smashed into Miz’s neck). Instead, the move wasn’t just perfect, it looked so easy that I could do it to my cat without any trouble. Unbelievable. I watched it like four times, it’s amazing!

It wasn’t enough to win, though. Directly after that move, after Miz kicked out of a pin, he pretty much decapitated Evan with a clothesline. That was followed up by the Skull-Crushing Finale, and that was it.

Post-Segment 3: Miz gets a mic and declares that he doesn’t care whether it’s Sheamus or Randy Orton who’s got the title at the end of SummerSlam, but he’s damn sure ready to cash in his briefcase… Because HE’S THE MIZ… AND HE’S… AWESOME!!!

Pre-Segment 4: MELLIIINNNAAA!!! Oh yes, the split entrance… I’ve so missed that.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: My Melina defeats Alicia Fox by pin. Match was… well, I’m biased. It was well above average, and fun to watch, but how much was it actually entertaining and how much was it me with naughty daydreams?

I’ll give Alicia credit: I don’t like her as an in-ring competitor, but of the ones who clearly shouldn’t belong in there, Alicia tries her ass off. Alicia also seems to have better strength than everyone else except Beth Phoenix, or else she’s the only one to show it off. But Alicia had some pretty sweet spots, including a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker that she almost messed up. Alicia turned the issue—which was Melina basically spinning too fast, not sure whose fault that was—into something that looked worse, as when Melina came down for the backbreaker, Alicia kinda held her down on her knee, making Melina pretty much simultaneously rest her feet and forehead on the canvas.

A neat little counter spot by My Melina came early in the match, when she found herself on the apron. Alicia tried grabbing her for whatever reason, so Melina held the top rope and snaked herself under the bottom rope and between Alicia’s legs. From there, Melina started the pull-and-roll move that usually winds up in a pinning spot… except Melina just put her knees up, essentially turning it into a light backbreaker.

Shortly after, Melina used the Matrix dodge, followed up with her new move that is basically a kicking front Russian Leg Sweep. It resembles Miz’s Skull-Crushing Finale, especially because Melina puts a little oomph into it.

At this point we proceed with the Heel Beatdown segment of the match, with a lot of hair-related offense that cause the commentators to mock the ref, who is naturally Referee McDoucher. Michael Cole: “The ref needs to say something I think he’s scared of Alicia.” Jerry Lawler: “I think that ref has always been intimidated by girls.” HA!!!

The heel beatdown culminates in a… uh… torture rack? It’s like a torture rack, but rather than Melina being twisted around Alicia’s neck, she’s more twisted around Alicia’s shoulders. Actually, I’ll tell you: it reminds me of the tarantula submission that normally happens in the corner, except rather than using the ropes to maintain the hold, Melina is just wrapped around Alicia’s arms and torso, and it looks pretty sick. But Melina decides that she hasn’t shown off her flexibility enough, so she sorta shimmies over and twists herself even more severely, practically resting her head on the soles of her feet as her chest nearly falls out of her top and her ribs attempt to burst through her skin. Meanwhile, Alicia looks like she’s the one who’s more out of breath and in pain, even though Melina is selling like a champ.

Eventually, Alicia’s legs are about to give out, so Melina sits up as Alicia bends over. Melina fires off her Screaming Orgasm of Doom just for me, then attempts to hit the Pyro’s Fantasy (a flip-over powerbomb pin, for those who may have forgotten), but slightly fucks it up because Alicia falls too early. This results in Melina pretty much slamming herself into the mat (her head missing a possible neck-breaking position by a fraction of an inch), with Alicia sorta tipping over and falling backwards at speed. But it wasn’t a total clusterfuck of a spot, and Melina still wiggles around to make the pin.

My Melina then hops on the ropes and tells me she’s back again. And the commentators give the proper name of the Pyro’s Fantasy, but who cares?

Segment 5: Josh Mathews interviews Khali in the back, who says on his own—because Translator isn’t around tonight for some reason—that he’s totally with Team WWE. Then he challenges Wade Barrett, one-on-one, for tonight.

Segment 6: We get a “during commercial” segment, where Cole announces from GM Windows 7 that My Melina gets to face Alicia Fox again at SummerSlam, but this time for the belt. Woo hoo!

Segment 7: Edge is in the back, complaining about Bret to CJ. CJ isn’t buying it though… now that the adrenaline has settled down, CJ thinks that Bret might just have been right: he believes Anti-Nexus has no chance against Nexus, and when Nexus wins, they’ll be ostracized. Edge doesn’t want to go crawling back to the team though, as he’s too prideful. CJ says he doesn’t want to go back to the team either, just that, you know, maybe they were a bit too dickish this time around.

This starts Edge on a tear where he starts naming every main eventer of the past decade, and says that they are better than all of them. They have survived better and longer than them… and will survive Nexus.

CJ then hatches an evil plan. If they completely eliminate Cena and Bret tonight, then there will be no huge match at SummerSlam… and if there’s no huge match, then Nexus won’t take everything over, and clearly they’ll be safe. In the words of John Oliver, that makes a lot of sense if you don’t really think about it.

Segment 8: Elsewhere backstage, John Morrison and R-Truth are having a meeting of the minds too. JM and Truth say that they’ll totally do their parts, but they’re worried about having two open spots. Then Mark Henry appears, says that he’ll fill in, and that this matching coming up will be his “a’ition.” A’ight.

Segment 9: Elsewhere elsewhere backstage, Nexus is watching the monitor, all with the stoic looks of a group of guys being forced to watch gay porn. Finally they look to Barrett, who says with a nod that they can head out and do whatever they need to do as he checks out the next scene by himself.

Segment 10: After a commercial, we’re supposed to have Ted DiBiase vs. Mark Henry. But when MH makes his entrance, Nexus appears and beats the shit out of him, concluding by flinging him face-first into the steel steps. Good night, Gracie.

Segment 11: Sheamus hits the ring to talk. He says that after last week, people thought he was scared of Orton, but really, he was scared of what he was going to do to Orton. See, he’s beaten the fuck out of everyone since getting to WWE, and that’s why he’s champ, so there. We get to see a highlight reel of Sheamus’s résumé just to belabor the point.

This summons the trouser snake himself. Orton says he wants to talk before he responds to Sheamus’s comment, and starts by responding to Sheamus’s comment. (Yes, that was not a typo, that’s Ortonlish 101.) Orton repeats back like a parrot that Sheamus said that he was afraid what he would do to Orton, and if that’s REALLY what Sheamus thinks, well then… heavy breathing… looking like he’s going to hump the ring… then he remembers his line, and…!

“I think you’re full of it.”

Somehow, that still draws cheers, and not just the half-hearted high-pitched cheers. It literally gave me a couple minutes of shame that I’ve publicly declared I’m a fan of WWE, because I know—from personal experience—that a four-year-old girl who is simply pretending to play a computer game can come up with better lines and threats than the Mantard of wrestling.

But Orton isn’t done, and says that Sheamus had the chance to show the world that he could be taken seriously last week, but—

And Sheamus interrupts him and announces that he is taken seriously.

Orton no-likey being interrupted. I wonder if he contemplated crying to management to get Sheamus fired or sent to SmackDown as punishment. Anyway, Orton picks right up where he left off, saying that Sheamus could have been taken seriously, but blew it, just like he’s going to blow it at… thinks about the PPV name… SummerSlam. Sadly, this gooses the entire building to chant “RKO! RKO!” and returns my shame back to the forefront.

Orton finally concludes that Sheamus has never beaten him, and never will. Sheamus replies that Triple H and John Cena have said much the same thing, but Orton says that he’s not either of those guys. Sheamus replies that he’s not the WWE Champion either, and will prove that he’s earned his title. Sheamus even adds that when Orton loses, he goes to the “back of the line,” and will never get another title shot as long as Sheamus is holding it.

Orton replies by repeating his last three lines, that Sheamus whiffed on an opportunity to prove to be taken seriously, that Orton will win on Sunday, and that Orton will gain the title. And if Sheamus wants to redeem himself for last Sunday, well then… pregnant pause… wipe the face… get in Sheamus’s personal space and tilt the head… and here we have the punch line…!

“Well then, do something about it.”

Wow, man, the goose bumps I’ve got are practically turning my arms into Swiss cheese. I’ve never been more FIRED UP for action! I’m sitting in a pile of my own feces at the mere realization that I’m LIVING IN AN EPIC PERIOD OF HISTORY!!!!!

…And then GM Windows 7 e-mails Cole, who reports that if anyone interferes in the title match at SummerSlam, they’re suspended. See, there’s been too much of that outside interference in title matches, so this rule should stop this. GM Windows 7 goes on that he/she/it totally agrees with both of them, that Orton will go to the back of the line if he loses, and that Sheamus should DO SOMETHING.

Which Sheamus does… by leaving. Oh wait, he’s turned around and goes for a punch. Oh wait, he pulls back and just shakes his head, then actually leaves. Oh wait, Orton cheap-shots him. Sheamus gets the upper hand, but Orton ducks under the Blarney Boot, then hits him with his signature backbreaker. Orton then backs up and readies the Punt Kick of Doom… but then holds off. Sheamus looks scared as Orton says something unintelligible, then exists the ring just to hold up Sheamus’s title. Lawler says that Orton held back because he totally wanted Sheamus healthy for Sunday, which, uh, I guess we’ll just have to accept.

Segment 12 [6-Man Tag Match]: Husky Harris, Alex Riley, & Mark McGillicutty defeat Kaval, Percy Watson, & Lucky Cannon by pin. Decent match, good action because of six men, but Riley looked like he was really half-assing it. Kaval was damn good, and is my #2 rookie for NXT.

By the way, Sheamus was sitting at ringside, still recovering from his shame. He didn’t interfere during the match, but…

Post-Segment 12: …he started beating the fuck out of everyone as soon as the bell rang. He ended his rampage with the running crucifix powerbomb against Kaval.

But Sheamus wasn’t done and grabbed a mic. He says that that was a message to the GM, the fans, and Orton, because he’s still going to be champ next week. I don’t see how those statements are quite related, but okay.

Segment 13 [Tag Match]: John Morrison & R-Truth defeat Zack Ryder & William Regal by pin. The heels didn’t get an entrance, so that should tell you something. It was basically a time-compressed squash, without much noteworthy, except one move by JM. He did Paul Burchill’s old finisher, essentially a back-flipping Rock Bottom, except JM did it with a much higher angle of a jump than Paul ever did. Very, very cool.

So the story here is that these two guys are the only ones on the Anti-Nexus who are managing any sort of cohesion prior to the 14-man elimination tag match at SummerSlam. If I was Cena, I wouldn’t think my chances would be very good.

Segment 14 [Triple Threat Tag Match, Santino Marella is guest referee]: The Bella Twins defeat Jillian & Maryse by pin, outlasting Gail Kim & Eve Torres. Okay, so this was a “Swimsuit summer spectacular,” except all the women were wearing one-piece swimsuits, meaning most of them were wearing more clothing than they usually do.

As you might imagine, the match was basically a clusterfuck, especially because Gail and Eve spent 98% of the match on the apron, which pretty much threw the whole “triple threat” aspect out the window. It ended with a very respectable flying crossbody off the top rope by Nikki, and that was it.

After the match, Tamina came down in a one-piece that had a pretty cool and eye-catching design, and got in Santino’s face, asking why she wasn’t invited to this party. Santino tried to leave because he doesn’t like having to explain himself. Tamina allowed him to… and gave him a little spank on his ass as she smirked after him. Well, I’ll admit, that was unexpected.

Segment 15: In the back, Khali is WALKING~!... and gets jumped by all of Nexus, who mainly beat the shit out of his left knee. Huh.

Segment 16: Nexus hits the ring, with Wade holding a mic. Wade announces that the Wade/Khali match is canceled (to no one’s surprise), and goes on to cut a generic promo against the Anti-Nexus, promising to start a new chapter in WWE after SummerSlam.

Skip Sheffield then takes the mic, then speaks in Ortonlish that Nexus is so totally awesome, and Bret “will join Ricky Steamboat and Mr. McMahon as our victims,” though that’s already happened once. Oh wait, he clarifies that he’s going to hurt Bret enough that we don’t see him again forever. And then he adds that Cena will be the same way.

David Otunga then says that no one in the locker room should join the Anti-Nexus, and if they want to try, they need to think about what Nexus has done against Hart Dynasty, Khali, and the others tonight.

Segment 17: Bret Hart and Cena are WALKING~! and find Miz. Miz sums up what’s happened to the Anti-Nexus, including that “one member just got Nancy Kerriganed in the hallway.” Ouch! Funny, but ouch.

Miz goes on that he figured it was a matter of time before Cena came to ask him to be in on the team. Bret voices the question, but no, that’s not enough: Miz wants both guys to ask him the question. Miz smiles: “Wow, Cena asking me to help! Times have changed in a year!” Miz gives us a non-answer, and says he’ll let them know about whether to join the team on Sunday.

Segment 18: Okay, so we’ve got the main event, but the way it broke down, it’s pointless to give it a match header. The match didn’t start until after 11pm, meaning it was going to be short. Also, all of Nexus hung out at the “north” side of the ring rather than surrounding it, so you knew something odd was going to happen.

The match started all right with Cena and Edge, trading blows, until Edge chucked Cena out of the ring on the north side. Nexus beat the shit out of him, then threw him back in. Edge then tagged out, so CJ threw Cena out there to again get the shit beat out of him. CJ figured, hell, let’s do it a third time… but Cena reversed, and send CJ out instead.

CJ covered up… but Nexus didn’t attack, just gave him dirty looks. Ah, CJ quitting the team was enough to keep him neutral to Nexus. CJ smirks, then heads back in the ring under his own power.

Some more action happens, resulting in Cena getting chucked out of the ring on the east side (in front of the commentators). Wade runs around the corner, but Cena punches him and slides back in the ring. The rest of Nexus follows and helps Wade up. Wade hops up on the apron to be a dick, just as CJ tries to clothesline Cena. Cena ducks, Wade ends up eating the hit, and goes flying off the apron. Cena then throws CJ out of the ring, and this time Nexus attacks. Edge comes on down and tries to help out his partner, but gets beaten down too.

At that point, the ref just says “fuck it” and leaves, leaving Cena and Bret in the ring alone. Nexus collectively watches them, and lines up on the east side of the ring. Cena uses (Broad) gesturing to say that he’s not worried, that he can beat ‘em with just the two of them. I wonder how Bret felt about it.

But, it doesn’t matter, because here comes John Morrison and R-Truth, standing beside them. Cena again (Broadly) taunts that four is indeed more than two, and they can totally kick Nexus’s collective ass. Nexus hops up on the east apron to answer the challenge as Edge and CJ bail and go to the ramp. Halfway up, CJ says “Let’s get outta here” with a tilt of his head. As they take a few more steps, they glance back and see Nexus enter the ring. Edge taps CJ on the arm, does a head tilt the other way, and the two of them haul ass to join the fray.

So now, we’ve got six-on-seven, but the six includes SuperCena, and that’s enough. Jericho throws the first punch, and we get a Pier Thirteen Brawl. Wade is the first to bail, but all seven do in course (Justin Gabriel bailing because CJ launched him over the top rope), and they retreat through the crowd and up the stairs. From there, Cena’s music plays, everyone cheers, and we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Fun show. There’s still a spot open on the Anti-Nexus, which gives room for, say, Triple H to fill in at the last moment, if he’s close to coming back, not that I know anything about it. Or hell, it could be Miz, but I doubt it. Regardless, it’s extremely doubtful they would have removed the last guy on the depth chart just to replace him with a similar loser, so I’m guessing an A-lister is going to finish off the team. That would give them four active A-listers (Cena, Edge, and CJ being the other three), which, combined with Bret, makes for a much more thrilling team.

Other than Nexus, the rest of the show was… dull. I mean, my commentary on My Melina notwithstanding—and really, it was an above average match, regardless of division—the rest of the night was pretty flat. The triple threat tag match was stupid, not just because it was lame to watch, but because if you’re going T&A, you need to just go full-on T&A and not fuck around with one-piece swimsuits. I know, I know, WWE is G-rated and won’t do bikinis anymore, but come on: either go full-on skin, or full-on wrestling, and not this half-assed bullshit that bores the shit out of everyone.

And other than that stupidity, the other two matches… well, literally as I’m typing this, I forget who was fighting. Let’s see, gotta scroll up… Oh, Miz/Bourne, that match was actually pretty damn good. Geez, how could I forget that sick backwards blind jump into a huracanrana? That alone was pretty much worth the price of admission.

I guess the night was worth watching overall. Skip the stupid second divas’ match, and don’t expect any epic writing (the CJ and Edge double-turn wasn’t surprising to me at all), but it wasn’t a bad lead-in to SummerSlam. Still, my mom actually offered to pay for SummerSlam for me if we wanted to watch it together, and I declined; I’d rather she save money for UFC 118 to watch BJ Penn and Frankie Edgar go at it again. No, I’m not saying I’m trying to compare WWE and UFC (as I talked about in a previous precap), just that there are more interesting things to buy than SummerSlam.

It looks like Justin Long is going to be the guest host next week, and I’ve got to admit, I totally forgot about guest hosts. Man, I wish WWE hadn’t dropped the ball so badly on that idea. I really feel the whole guest host thing was brilliant, just executed as badly as could possibly be imagined.

So, who the fuck is Justin Long, you might be asking? I don’t know, and I had to do some research. Apparently, he’s got a movie coming out, hence the whole appearance next week, but I know him from the Macintosh commercials where he is representing a Mac while the immensely funnier and better-talented John Hodgman is representing a PC. As one blogger puts it, Justin Long won the award for Worst Person of the Year 2006, and quite frankly I’m not looking forward to his appearance next week.

But regardless of the fact that I’m not willing to plunk down money for the PPV, our very own The Rick is, and will have the recap on Sunday night or very early Monday morning. Why not help him out by donating a few bucks to OO through PayPal (where all major credit cards are accepted)? I’ll put my money where my mouth is and kick him a fiver [Ed. Note: according to my records, he really did. Wow. He recaps crap and PAYS ME for the right to do so? Who are you to do any less?!?], since he’s going to have suffer through the show; it’s the least you can do, because you’re not a dirty freeloader… are you?

Rating (out of 5): 2.75