So, hey, random question, since you guys have helped me with random stuff before… any advice on curing a toothache? Or rather, numbing it for awhile? I’ve got some issues with the back-most teeth on the right side of my bottom jaw, and it’s bad enough that I really should go to the dentist. However, I don’t have the time or money for that, and with no insurance, that’s definitely not an option right now. 
  

The pain comes and goes. Usually there is no pain, unless I forget and chew something kinda thick (like bread) or crunchy on my right side. When it does hit me, usually about a half-dozen extra strength Tylenols are what I need to get it under control… well, that, and a lot of prayers and screaming. Isn’t there some stuff I can use that just quickly numbs any pain in my teeth? I mean, I know it will turn me into a drooling zombie if I use too much, but really, I don’t mind drooling all over myself if it means relief from the stab wound that strikes my gums when I eat frickin’ Cheetos.

Seriously: once I get a job that actually gives some degree of dental insurance, getting this mouth pain fixed will be my first priority. Ugh, it’s annoying.

All right, enough about gingivitis or whatever. Let’s get to RAW, a wholly less disgusting topic (since Cody Rhodes is on the other show)…

Segment 1: Edge is out here to start the show, though he doesn’t get his fireworks for some reason. Edge says that he tried to be buddies with John Cena, but he remembered to only listen to himself from now on. He reminds us that he listened to us after his return from injury, and we let him down, just like his SummerSlam team is letting him down now.

Edge breaks it down: he doesn’t respect Cena, doesn’t trust Chris Jericho, doesn’t have any faith in Khali, and doesn’t even know R-Truth or John Morrison. Edge does say that Nexus needs to be eliminated, but he just needs to do things his way… so he wants to challenge Wade Barrett tonight, one-on-one, with no one from any side interfering.

And here comes Truth to respond for some reason. Truth wants to know if a win against Wade would actually solve anything, since Nexus is bigger than him. Edge agrees, but that’s why he doesn’t want to rely on the teammates. Truth replies that if Edge doesn’t want to Cena, then fine, but he will listen to Truth right now. Edge is skeptical, but amused, and plays ball.

Truth goes on that though Edge has been in a shit-ton of matches over his career, he’s never had to fight for “everything.” Ah, but Truth, growing up on the mean streets of whatever the hell city he’s from, has had to fight for everything. Right now, they’re fighting for everything they’ve ever been about, and even fighting for the fans, and that’s why they need to team up and do this together, or else the terrorists Nexus wins.

Edge says that’s only Truth’s version of… the truth. See, he uses the old cliché that to kill a snake, you remove the head, so he’s going to eliminate Wade right now. So get out of the ring, or I’ll Spear you out.

This summons the lights flickering, as Michael Cole gets an e-mail from GM Linux. The GM goes ahead and makes the match for Edge vs. Wade right now. Truth wishes Edge luck, assures him he’s on his own completely, and leaves. We’ve got a commercial, but then…

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Edge and Wade Barrett wrestle to a double countout, I guess. Match was all right but nothing special. At the end, Edge got the upper hand and went for a Spear. Wade bailed, and Edge was fine, but then Wade did A Signal. This summoned the rest of Nexus, and Edge just left, running through the crowd. Wade kinda watched him go, but from outside the ring, so I guess this is officially a draw… if such records are actually kept somewhere.

Segment 3: After a commercial, we see Edge running around in the back, looking for Cena. Edge demands to know where Cena was to protect him. Cena threw his promo back in his face: Cena just listened to Edge’s advice to stay in the back. Cena said he did it just to prove the point that they have to do it 7-on-7. Edge said that’s nice, but we’re doing it without him, because he quits the team!

Cena sighs, then turns and sees that Jericho is like behind him. Cena guesses that CJ is going to quit too, right? CJ says no, that Cena needs to quit, because he’s just as much of a cancer as Nexus is. So how about this: tonight, we have a match, CJ vs. Cena, loser leaves the SummerSlam team. Cena points out that this is stupid, but goes ahead and agrees just to shut him up.

Segment 4: John Morrison is talking to Khali, trying to convince the guy that they all need to be united. Khali (though Translator) says something retarded. JM leaves.

…and then David Otunga and Michael Tarver appear. They tell him that Nexus didn’t attack him last week because they respect him, then say that rumors abound that if Khali loses to Ted DiBiase tonight, Cena will boot him out… despite not showing a shred of evidence to the effect. Still, Nexus goes on that that doesn’t sound like respect, so if Khali wants to be on a team that does give respect, he should join Nexus.

The two Nexus members leave, Translator tells Khali (in English) to think about it, and we go to another commercial.

Segment 5 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Alicia Fox, Tamina, & Jillian defeat Natalya, Eve Torres, & Gail Kim by pin. Match wasn’t bad considering it’s the women’s division, but Gail and Natalya were the only two doing anything of value. Gail, in fact, was damn fine: first, she sold everything like a champ and basically got beaten down, but convincingly so. Then when the Pier Six Brawl started, Gail was the first illegal team member through the ropes, throwing down a running missile dropkick that looked stiff as hell. Then, she grabbed Jillian’s arm and twisted it, then climbed up the ropes for a arm twisty something or other, but she changed her mind on the top rope, let go of Jillian, and did a suicide flying crossbody from the top rope to the floor, taking out Tamina and making me again pissed off that WWE is handcuffing her. This is the kind of shit she can do, and instead she’s relegated to jobbing?

Anyway, it wasn’t enough. Natalya went for a Sharpshooter on Alicia, but Tamina distracted Natalya. Natalya slapped her and eliminated her, but then dropped to her knees to taunt. This put her in the perfect position to eat Alicia’s axe kick finisher, and that was it.

Post-Segment 5: After the match, Alicia grabbed a mic. She announces that she is the greatest Divas’ champion ever, and that she has won singles matches, tag matches, battle royals, even a Fatal Four-Way, and there is no one who can possibly beat—

MEEELLLLIIIIIINNNNAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes, it gives Rick a reason to put that picture up on the front page! You know the one I’m talking about! Woo hoo!!!
 
[Ed. Note: You mean the one that's not on the main page, because, let's be honest, other important stuff happened tonight that deserves the headline? Oh, alright... here: 
 
 
You're welcome.]

My Melina hits the ring—rocking some skinny jeans and a cutoff shirt—and immediately screams “I’m back!” just for me. She does the Johnny Cage Split Leg Drop of Doom and Pyro’s Pants-Creaming Pin on Alicia, despite the fact that there’s no ref. So hot.

She looks… different. Her hair was down and straight and like jet black, which is unusual, but there was… something else… did she wear her makeup differently or something? Fuck it, I’m happy she’s back, and I can’t wait to see the return of the Pyro’s Fantasy finisher once again.

Ah… Melina… RAW has become fun to watch again!

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Sheamus squashes Goldust by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Post-Segment 6: Sheamus gets a mic and puts himself over. See, the point of this match was that a year ago, we saw this exact same match in ECW, and it was a hard-fought battle of wits and tons of reversals and near falls. And now? Squash. As if we care.

Sheamus goes on that he’s on top of the world… but he didn’t get it by getting a briefcase like Miz, and he didn’t get from being born a third-generation superstar like Orton. [Ed. Note: You've buried the lead, dammit~! In Sheamus' brogue, it came out as "Turd Generation Wrestler," which not only amuses my Inner Beavis to no end, but is also as fitting a description of Randy Orton as has been featured on OO since the inception of "metrosexual mantard of mighty medicority." It's only when you get to the Turd Generation that you master the art of the chinlock! And the art of pooping in girls' bags!] Sheamus got up there with his own sweat and work ethic, and we’ve never given him that credit. Hell, he ended Triple H’s career! (…Which is the second time they’ve mentioned him today, so my mind is thinking about how soon it’ll be before he’s back.) Well, Sheamus doesn’t need us or our respect: all he needs is the belt. He’s done talking, he poses, and we’re out to commercial.

Segment 7 [Singles Match, loser is off the Anti-Nexus]: John Cena defeats Chris Jericho by submission. Match was pretty damn good, about twice as long as you thought it would be. Tons of false finishes, great action, with CJ of course doing most of the work and Cena selling left and right other than to get hope spots.

And then, at the end, with some triple reversey stuff, Cena managed to slip out of the Walls of Jericho and go for an STF… but Jericho tapped out before the hold was applied. At first, I was going to bitch that it was sloppy as hell, but Cena and the commentators made an issue about it, so I guess it’s the storyline.

Post-Segment 7: Ah, after the match, CJ throws a tantrum as Cena gets a mic. Cena says that he doesn’t want CJ to leave, and gets some boos. But Cena tells the crowd to hold on, points out that they just had a great match; that CJ is the best in the world, that he can stand up to anyone in the ring. This gooses a “Jericho! Jericho!” chant, and Cena says that he wants him back, but won’t beg. He says hey, come back in the ring, let’s deal with Nexus, and after that deal with each other if we need to do. Or, if CJ leaves, he’ll let everyone down, including himself.

CJ actually looks like he’s in tears as he thinks about it. He heads down to the ring for about two steps, changes his mind with a scowl, and heads back up the ramp. He pauses at the top of the ramp, but finishes his walk to the back. Looks like there’s two openings left on Team Cena.

Segment 8: After a commercial, we see Edge in the locker room. CJ comes in then, and Edge opens that he doesn’t blame him for that. Edge says that Cena needs them rather than other way around. CJ repeats Edge’s words back to him, so they get to congratulate themselves and respect each other for quitting the team.

Edge thinks about things, and reminds CJ that they kicked all sorts of ass as a team… so let’s let bygones be bygones. They shake hands, they hug, and I guess one of the best tag teams in history just reunited.

And here comes another e-mail from GM Linux. He makes a match that next week, we’re going to see our new team against Cena and Bret Hart next week… with the seven Nexus members as lumberjacks. Good lord.

Segment 9: Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton in the back, who says that Sheamus so totally won’t end his career like he ended Trips’s career. He challenges Sheamus to come down and sit at ringside to watch his match against Miz. He says the good news for Sheamus is that Miz won’t be in any shape to cash in his MitB briefcase at SummerSlam, but the bad news is that Sheamus himself will suffer the same beating at the PPV.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Translator) defeats Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) by referee stoppage. Match was lame as fuck. Ted basically used his speed to avoid most of Khali’s attacks for most of the match. At the end, Nexus came on down and surrounded the ring. Ted was distracted and turned his back on Khali, who slapped on the Greco-Roman Head Squish of Doom. There was no tapout, but the ref called for the bell.

After the match, Khali looked nervously at the Nexus members, but no violence ensued.

Segment 11: Okay, so Will Ferrell and Marky Mark are in a pre-taped segment with the Bella Twins to pimp The Other Guys. They pimp the movie—it’s just a little interview segment—and nothing interesting comes about. I mean, the story here is that the Bellas throw themselves at Ferrell, who calls them average-looking and doesn’t want to be with them, but they keep throwing themselves at him, while completely ignoring Marky Mark… until he says he likes Alicia Fox anyway, so they shove him and leave. Heh.

Pre-Segment 12: Miz hits the ring for his match, but wants to talk first. He cuts a promo against Orton, basically giving vanilla threats in an entertaining way.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Miz by pin. Match wasn’t bad, but nothing special. Too slow, but that’s not Miz’s fault. Match ended with an RKO out of nowhere. Directly after the match, Sheamus headed down to the ring, but Orton started humping the ring, which creeped Sheamus right the fuck out, and he decided to retreat.

Final Thought: MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

…And that’s about it. Actually, that’s not fair: the main event was a little dry and the Khali/Ted match was lame, but the rest of the night wasn’t too shabby. Gail showed what her makes the #1 diva on the roster (yes, even better-talented than My Melina, I’m sorry to say), and Jericho/Cena had a pretty damn good match for a Monday night. It might qualify as free-per-view, but that’s your call. Meanwhile, the promos did what they needed to do, so no problems there. And who knows, maybe with two spots open on Team Cena, that’ll bring DX or something back into the fold. I can dream.

Rating (out of 5): 2.75