Segment 1: John Cena comes out to start the show today. He basically holds a general’s rally about his Nexus objectives, saying that they need to stop them or they’ll take over the show with their power. He includes referencing the fact that Team Cena is not, in fact, the Justice League, showing he clearly reads Online Onslaught. And then he goes and ruins my wonderful metaphor by giving us all the mental image of Khali wearing Wonder Woman’s costume. Blech. 
  

Chris Jericho eventually comes out, and says that he was waiting for Cena to call this “my team.” See, CJ isn’t happy about being told over the last week that he’s on “Cena’s team.” CJ isn’t involved in the team just to be Cena’s friend or anything, but he’s here for personal revenge against Nexus in general and Wade Barrett in particular. In fact, since CJ is the one who bred Wade, it should be his team.

Cena immediately gives in and says fine, whatever, it’s CJ’s team… because he doesn’t care, and just wants to beat the shit out of Nexus. But CJ doesn’t like that either, he doesn’t want to be patronized, and everyone needs to listen to him!

And Cena responds by slapping the mic out of CJ’s hand. This causes a “Cena! Cena!” chant, as well as CJ doing a great cartoon face expression, looking exactly like Wile E. Coyote when he suddenly realizes he walked off the cliff. Cena then turns the intensity up to 11, as he is wont to do, and says that it’s not about CJ or Cena or anyone else here other than the WWE fans, who don’t want to see Nexus take over. So sure, Cena admits that CJ is essential to the team due to knowing Wade better than the other six, and… and we pause for a “Y2J! Y2J!” chant.

CJ casually picks up his mic. He tells Cena never to smack the mic from his hand again, then says he also knows how essential he is to the team since they’d totally get their asses handed to them without him. But further than that, CJ sees the big picture, and sees that Nexus isn’t the only threat here: Cena himself is too. See, Cena does the same thing Nexus does, interrupting or assaulting anyone he wants to, but the difference is that Nexus doesn’t have the support of the fans. So CJ says that at SummerSlam, after Nexus is eliminated, he’ll eliminate Cena too… and steals his line that he’ll do it with or without help.

Cena says fuck it, let’s just fight now, but General Manager Windows 7 sends Michael Cole an e-mail. Seems that he’s tweaking the SummerSlam, making it a Survivor Series-style 7-on-7 match. And since it’ll be all about teamwork at SummerSlam, then we’re going to test their teamwork tonight, as Cena and CJ will team up against two opponents of the GM’s choosing… “And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for ya.” The crowd doesn’t bite other than cheers, but we go commercial before anything else happens.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton squashes Jay Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso & Tamina) by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

After the match, Orton stared down Sheamus—who was sitting at ringside for no reason—and then Jimmy Uso attacked Orton just to be a jerk. Orton fought him off, but then Sheamus hopped in the ring and went for the Blarney Boot. Orton dodged, and Sheamus hit Jimmy instead. Orton then hit an RKO out of nowhere, with an amusing little shrug beforehand, like he looked at Sheamus, considered just offering him a Corona with lime, then shrugged with a “fuck it” and RKOed him anyway. Heh.

Post-Segment 2: And here comes Miz! Miz cashes in the briefcase, but then Sheamus starts to move a bit. Miz starts trying to wave it off, and the bell never rings… and then Orton gets in the ring and RKOs Miz for no reason. Crowd loves it, and I have to admit it was a bit entertaining, but nothing special.

Segment 3: Edge is in the back, talking to Ted DiBiase, and says that he wishes that Ted was on his team instead of Khali. For once, I’m inclined to agree, since I think that would be a minor step up. [Ed. Note: Just as Cena did earlier, Edge is also letting his OO show, by explaining why he refuses to call Khali "Great." Long live The [redacted] Khali~!] Maryse is there and contributes nothing, but Ted says he’s going to convince Cena that he should be on the team instead of Khali or John Morrison. Edge says he hopes so, else Ted will have to fight Khali himself. The men part, and we see that Translator was listening in the whole time… because apparently for this one segment, we’re pretending that the cameramen don’t exist, I guess.

Segment 4: As we come back from commercial, we see Sheamus and Miz yelling at each other in the ring, never having left, I guess. GM Windows 7 e-mails us and, after a minor Orton-esque line fumble, Cole reads that Cena and CJ will face Sheamus and Miz tonight as the main event.

Segment 5: We see Edge again, now in the locker room. Edge is on the phone, and then Khali busts in with Translator. Khali is pissed, and Edge begs off that he never said anything bad about him. Khali doesn’t believe him, and challenges him to a match. Edge agrees, but under the condition that if he wins, Khali leaves the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Translator) and Edge wrestle to a no contest. The match was about two minutes long and didn’t get anywhere, and then Nexus came down to the ring. Edge and Translator bailed, and they surrounded Khali… but for some reason, allowed Khali to leave without anyone fighting anyone. The crowd booed, but this is curious… or would be, if I gave a rat’s ass about Khali.

Pre-Segment 7: Okay, so GM Windows decided to have a preview of SummerSlam by having Nexus fight seven relatively random RAW guys in the same elimination style match. We’ve got Jerry Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, Tyson Kidd, DH Smith, Mark Henry, and Evan Bourne. For some reason, Mark Henry is the team captain. Oh joy.

Segment 7 [14-man Elimination Tag Match]: Team Nexus squashes Team RAW. So, yeah… no one was eliminated from Nexus. As if that’s a surprise.

Post-Segment 7: After the match, Nexus assaulted Evan Bourne, who was the last guy to fall. As usual, the seven guys took turns with random finishers and attacks on pour Evan, who sold it all like a champ. After that, Wade got a mic and said that we just saw Nexus dominate and, oh, by the way, Team Cena is falling apart, so it won’t be any harder than this. Skip Sheffield backs that up, saying that Cena’s team is full of individuals with no cohesion, unlike Nexus and each man’s willingness to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the team. Then Michael Tarver says some stuff, and we don’t care.

Segment 8: Miz in the locker room, and Sheamus comes in. Sheamus says that Miz will never beat him, ever, MitB be damned. Miz says nothing. Sheamus says that oh, obviously Miz does think he can beat him! So why don’t we fight and figure it out? Miz replies that he’s got an idea: after the main event tonight, Miz will throw Sheamus back in the ring, so Cena can hit an FU and Jericho can hit a Codebreaker and the Walls, so then Miz can cash in the MitB tonight. Sheamus responds by slapping the briefcase out of Miz’s hand—totally stealing Cena’s move from the opening segment—and just walking away after a Staredown of Intense Rivalry.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Alicia Fox (w/ Jillian) defeats Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) by pin. Match was short and stupid. Brie tried to switch, but Jillian was there to keep an eye out, and stopped the switch. Alicia ended the match with an axe kick. Incidentally, Brie’s pants were pulled up a bit higher, almost completely hiding her tattoo… I wonder if that was intentional to try to hide it (remember, we’re G-rated!).

After the match, Jillian wanted to congratulate Alicia with a song, so Alicia gave her an axe kick. Aw.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) defeats John Morrison (w/ R-Truth) by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. The finish was a bit wacky: Maryse distracted JM, so Ted rolled up JM, but put his feet on the ropes. Truth shoved Ted’s feet off, letting JM kick out. Ted responded by shoving Truth’s face, so Truth hopped up on the apron to counter… but at that moment, JM was running toward the same side, and Ted tripped him. This caused JM’s and Truth’s heads to smack, stunning JM long enough for Ted to make the pin.

After the match, Truth and JM bitched and argued at each other, even after watching a reply on the Titantron. We cut to John Cena, who is watching JM and Truth arguing, and is clearly distraught that his team has all the cohesiveness of oil and water.

Segment 11: Josh Mathews interviews Orton in the back, who says that he’s so totally going to RKO whoever winds up as WWE Champion at the end of SummerSlam. Doesn’t that mean that Orton is implying he might RKO himself? [Ed. Note: since when have Randall and the English language been anything other than passing acquaintances?]

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: Miz & Sheamus defeat John Cena & Chris Jericho by pin. Match was pure formula and absolutely nothing noteworthy happened… until the final Pier Four Brawl, when Jericho intentionally hit Cena with the Codebreaker. Miz made the pin—upsetting Sheamus—then bailed.

After the match, Jericho slapped on the Walls of Jericho on Cena… who then managed to reverse it and put on the STF, which Jericho tapped out to in a nanosecond. This brought out Khali, who forced Cena off and tried to talk some sense into him. That led Edge to come out and Spear Khali. The rest of the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances all hit the ring, then all started smacking each other. Rather than an ultra-crazy seven-man free-for-all, they settled on just screaming at each other until we faded out.

Final Thoughts: Meh. A watchable night, fine promos, and I’m digging the inter-stable issues of the IJLSA, other than the fact that we’ve seen it before a bunch of times. Still fun though.

The rest of the night was not so fun, and was merely passable. No additional details are needed really… You can skip it without worry.

Rating (out of 5): 2.5