Other than that, that’s about all I’ve done today. I figure I can spend this one day indulging in stupidity like that, since tomorrow my college crap starts back up and I’ll have to start using my brain again. Specifically, I’ve got Human Motivation, an elective psychology class that I thought sounded kind of interesting. It will definitely be a switch from business and technology classes, especially ones that deal with shitty Microsoft programs. 
  

I think I’m past the ad box, and really, that’s all I’ve got for now, so let’s get this going. As always, I assume you’ve read Rick’s recap of Money in the Bank, so no “surprises” here.

Pre-Segment 1: We’re starting off with a triple threat match for #1 contendership of the WWE Championship. For no reason. How random can we get?

Segment 1 [Triple Threat Match, winner fights for WWE Championship at SummerSlam]: Randy Orton defeats Edge by pin and outlasts Chris Jericho. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this match was free-per-view worthy. Orton did a damn good job, and of course CJ and Edge are two of the best in the world. With all three of them going, there was plenty of action and speed throughout, with nary a chinlock to be found. That’s easily one of the best match Orton has been involved in in a long time.

One odd spot came early, where Edge and CJ threw Orton off the ropes and tried a double back body drop. Orton held onto their necks as he went up, and he was basically vertically upside down for an impossibly long length of time before coming back down the other way with a double DDT counter.

As we entered a very extended end game, Orton tried his Hangman’s DDT on CJ… but CJ bounced his feet off the middle rope and landed clean in the ring. Orton was so surprised that CJ pulled his head out of Orton’s arm with ease, then slapped on the Walls of Jericho. Edge came to break it up with a DDT, but it wasn’t enough.

Edge took a few steps away, then went for the Spear when CJ got up. However, CJ jumped at and around Edge, trying a schoolboy pin, then putting Edge in the Walls too. Edge got out, clotheslined CJ out of the ring, and nearly ate an RKO out of nowhere… but Edge countered that with a reverse neck drop. The pin failed, but Edge readied a Spear for him.

When Edge went for it, CJ came out of nowhere and shoulder-checked Edge. Orton went for a pin on CJ, but then Edge went for a pin on Orton. Orton kicked out, and then all three guys clotheslined each other. Damn!

They got up, and the first thing CJ did was clothesline Edge over the top rope. Orton went for another RKO, but again CJ blocked it, then went for his own Lionsault. Orton dodged, humped the ring, then RKOed CJ, finally successfully. Edge then ran into the ring, only to eat an RKO of his own. Orton pinned Edge, and a damn exciting match concluded.

Segment 2: After a commercial, it seems that Edge never left the ring. Instead, he’s got a mic, and he’s pacing as he’s screaming for Jericho to get his ass out to the ring again. Edge points out that they’ve been at each other’s throats for 11 years, and they need to end this feud, since they keep costing each other championships and years off their careers.

CJ gets a mic and gets into the ring, and agrees that they need to end it. But it’s going to end for Edge, because CJ goes on that Wade Barrett admitted that it was his (CJ’s) inspiration to have Nexus do what Nexus is doing. So therefore, CJ reasons that he could snap his fingers, call over Nexus, and they could end Edge’s career immediately.

Edge begs to differ, saying that Nexus is awfully independent and that they wouldn’t listen to CJ. In fact, Edge could offer Nexus something that wouldn’t be refused, and would attack CJ for him.

And here comes Nexus, with new music again. All seven members hit the ring, including Darren Young, who’s sporting a weird hair style that made me barely recognize him. (It looks a lot like the bad guy’s hair cut from No Country For Old Men.) Nexus surrounds Edge as Barrett blathers, and they have no problem kicking his ass as CJ laughs, cheers, and taunts Edge. Skip Sheffield decides to be a real dick by finishing Edge with his own Spear.

CJ gets in Edge’s face and taunts him, then applies the Walls… until he realizes that all the Nexus members are eying him. CJ slowly releases the move and stands, and Wade starts talking. See, apparently, Wade says that Edge was also right: they want to shut up the guy claiming to be the key to Nexus’s success. CJ throws a punch at Wade, but that just triggers the explosion, with Wade doing several stiff punches. David Otunga hits his finisher on CJ, which is all the physical damage they feel like they need to do. Wade gets in CJ’s face, screams that CJ didn’t teach him anything, and then Nexus collectively leaves to boos.

Segment 3: After a commercial, we see Nexus WALKING~! in the back to their locker room. Wade is stopped by Josh Mathews and asks whether any member of Nexus can individually stand up to Mark Henry. That’s… random. Wade says nonsensically that everyone in Nexus is individually as powerful as they are collectively, and even Mark Henry will be scared to take them on. Josh quickly mutters his thanks and runs away.

Wade starts to go back into his locker room, but Sheamus appears. Wade goes on his guard, but Sheamus says he’s here for peace. See, Sheamus has a proposal, so Wade invites him into “his office” to discuss it. Sheamus politely turns that down, so Wade just goes into the locker room without talking to him.

Segment 4: Michael Cole interviews John Cena on the Titantron, who says that he brought all this violence upon himself by not shaking Wade’s hand a couple weeks ago. But he’s not here to cry or whine about being a loser, but he “sees the writing on the wall,” and requests to meet Nexus in the ring later tonight because he has something to say. Jerry Lawler asks what that’s about. Cena replies that Nexus had the (silly) motto “You’re either Nexus or you’re against us,” and considering how much they have taken away from Cena, well… “If you can’t beat ‘em…” Then Cena shrugs and exits stage left. Hm…

Segment 5 [Singles Match, winner is #1 contender for the Divas Title]: Eve Torres reverse-squashes Maryse (w/ Ted DiBiase) by pin. Match was gay as hell, and we soon see Eve do a roundhouse kick to Maryse’s head off a counter. Eve made the pin, and Maryse got her foot on the rope, but the ref didn’t see it.

After the match, Eve leaves, and Ted gets in the ring to scream at the ref for making his mistake. Then John Morrison comes running down for no reason, beats down Ted, and hits Starship Pain. Guess that feud isn’t over, but according to crowd reaction, it seems a little hotter than I think it should be. Or maybe that was just all the girlish screams since JM came down without a shirt and in jeans? I dunno.

Segment 6: Sheamus gets in the ring to talk. He reminds us that he’s now beaten Cena in a Tables Match, a Fatal Four-Way, and now a Cage Match. Clearly, this means it’s not fluky or lucky: it means he’s the dominant champion! And now, since Cena has had his contractual rematch, he won’t get another for a very long time, so it’s time for Sheamus to move on.

And Sheamus has moved on, by going to Wade Barrett and DEMANDING… a truce. See, a year ago, no one had heard of Sheamus or Nexus, but now they’re the two most powerful entities in WWE. They’re going to stay out of each other’s business from now on, and Wade actually agreed to it. Sheamus reasons that the only way Orton could beat him at SummerSlam is with Nexus’s interference, and now that Nexus has agreed not to, then Orton is screwed, and Sheamus is so totally going to be the longest-reigning champion ever!

And here comes Miz, carrying the RAW Money in the Bank briefcase. Miz congratulates him for getting rid of his Nexus problem, but now he’s got a Miz problem. Sheamus is amused, but Miz isn’t kidding, and pimps out just what the briefcase means. He says that any time Sheamus is in the ring, Miz will be watching. He posits that Sheamus might beat Orton at SummerSlam, but then Orton hits a post-match RKO as he is wont to do, and then Miz will be there to cash in the briefcase and become the new champ. Or maybe Sheamus will be doing a backstage interview—“Talkin’ like a tough guy, fella!” Miz says in a perfect impersonation—and gets assaulted, and Miz will cash it in then.

Or maybe, Miz posits, he’ll wait a bit longer. Oh yes, maybe he’ll just wait and main event WrestleMania! Or fuck that, maybe he’ll just cash it in right now! But whatever: “Sheamus, you can call me your celebrity stalker, because every move you make, every breath you take… I’ll be watching you.” Damn, that was creepy. “Because I’m the Miz! And I’m…”

“Nothing!” Sheamus interrupts Miz’s catchphrase, much to his unhappiness. “You’re nothing, and I’m Sheamus, the WWE Champion!” And then Sheamus takes his belt and goes home.

Or rather, he starts to, because General Manager Vista e-mails Cole. Seems that the GM is inviting Miz to take a seat at ringside, because right now, Sheamus is in action… against Evan Bourne. Miz is happy, Sheamus is pissed, and we go to commercial.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Evan Bourne by pin. Match was all right but nothing special, with a few neat spots from Evan, but nothing we haven’t seen before. The match ended with the Blarney Boot (which WWE wants to call the “Bro Kick” or something).

Post-Segment 7: After the match, Miz beat the shit out of Sheamus with the briefcase, then tried to do the Skull Crushing Finale onto the briefcase. Sheamus fought, and fought, and fought… but then Miz hit it! Miz looks over Sheamus, then cashes in the briefcase! The crowd goes apeshit!

They want to start the match, but apparently one rule is that the champion has to be conscious for things to get started. Sheamus is out cold, so the ref is required to wait for him to wake up. Before this can happen, R-Truth of all people come down. Miz takes his briefcase back, and though R-Truth gets in a couple shots, Miz fights him off and bails… just as Sheamus starts stirring. Sheamus is safe for one more night and the briefcase is still in Miz’s hands.

Segment 8: After a commercial, Josh Mathews interviews Miz in the back, who says that Truth just cost him the WWE Championship. But don’t worry… there will be other opportunities, especially since he has a whole year to do it.

I noticed something with that little spiel: Miz can go from fun-loving jokey jerkface to an intense dude willing to beat some ass far more realistically than Cena can. Cena dials up his intensity meter way too high, as we all know; I think Miz has found a good balance.

Segment 9: Sheamus is WALKING~! in the back, assisted by a couple refs. He passes Gail Kim and the Bella Twins, who are laughing about something and not even looking at him, but he snaps at them, “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY???” Wow, buddy, the world and universe don’t revolve around you. Chill!

Gail and the B-Twins stop laughing but basically ignore him otherwise, as Sheamus continues WALKING~!. Soon he finds Randy Orton—or rather Orton finds him—and Orton feigns sympathy as he gives a generic (and retarded) promo about how he’s so totally going to take the belt at SummerSlam.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov defeat Zack Ryder & William Regal by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. A typically jokey Santino match, just without the Cobra, sadly.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Wade Barrett defeats Mark Henry by pin. Match was way below average… until the end. MH got the upper hand, and had Wade on his back in the corner. MH got up on the second rope, probably for a splash, and then Nexus appeared on the stage. They had been banned from ringside from GM Vista, but the stage isn’t ringside, so they were okay. MH glanced in their direction, giving Wade a chance to get to his feet and take a couple shots on MH. Then, Wade managed to get MH on his shoulders, readying for his finisher! Wade nearly lost him, but he did manage to fling MH over his head and slam him to the mat. Wow.

After the match, Wade stomped MH a few times as the rest of Nexus came to the ring. After Wade kicked MH out of the ring, he called out Cena; there was no further violence against MH. We’re going to commercial before we see Cena…

Segment 12: We’re back from commercial, and Michael Tarver is the speaker. He says that they will at least listen to him, but if he does continue resisting their strength, they will make his life a living hell. Tarver says that if Cena apologizes for all the assaults, Nexus will consider actually ending things permanently, and reminds him that it’s all up to him alone.

Cena comes out a moment later, but he doesn’t have his usual fire for his entrance. He hits the ring looking concerned and conflicted. Cena starts by diplomatically thanking Wade for receiving him, and then recaps that Nexus cost him the WWE Championship and stopped him from winning it back. He admits he doesn’t know the grand plan they’ve got going on, but doesn’t bother to ask. Cena goes on that Sheamus made a truce with them tonight, and admits that it’s something he should have done a long time ago.

Cena absorbs the boos, apologizes, then says he’s asking them man-to-man for the same thing. Wade looks at him after a moment, then declines. Cena drops his head. Wade says that he’s not interested in a truce or an olive branch. He wants something more… he wants Cena to join Nexus. Wade points out that considering all that Cena accomplished on his own, he could achieve ten times more by being with them. After all, the Nexus is the future of the company, and they will be unstoppable. Wade points out that it’s not really much of a choice, hitting the Nexus catchphrase again, and offers Cena to membership so they can all make history together.

Cena bows his head in thought. After a pregnant pause—where we get a close-up of the nasty scar he did to himself last week with a chair—Cena declines. Wade says that’s unfortunate, but now that leaves us with two options: either Cena leaves like a coward, or get his ass beaten worse than any other Nexus attack ever.

Cena looks around, again absorbing a pregnant pause. He takes a half step back, looks around, then… leaves the ring. Cena then turns his back, and walks away, up the ramp, and to the stage. There, he turns back around to address Wade. Cena reminds them that just to repeat himself, whether he has help or is alone, he’ll take them down.

Nexus starts to go on guard. Cena says that the peace offering was just a test, because now Nexus has sealed their own fates. See, ever since Nexus showed up, Cena’s been covertly forming a Justice League of All-Stars, and the battle will be at SummerSlam. He says that Wade wanted Cena to make history with them, but he wants to introduce his Justice League and show that Nexus is history!

And here comes Edge… then John Morrison… R-Truth… Khali… god, this the most underwhelming team in the history of teams. Oh wait, here comes Chris Jericho… okay, that’s a little unexpected, but Cena’s got one more… BRET HART??? And Nexus reacts like he’s not a stroke victim.

Cena orders his squad to charge, and Bret almost gets knocked down by R-Truth as all seven sorta hit the ring. Nexus just straight up bails and runs away through the crowd, watching them from the balconies.

Final Thoughts: So Cena’s super team is three A-listers, one B-lister, two D-listers, and one guy who’s 10 years past the ability to do anything in the ring (albeit that he’s my favorite wrestler)? Seriously, I was half-expecting Shawn Michaels or Triple H or both to show up, and that would actually have been impressive. But this…? No. Just, no.

Other than that bit of stupidity, the night wasn’t bad. Pretty watchable, and the Orton/Edge/Jericho triple threat match was pretty damn hot. Of course, we get into a small plothole just after that match: did Edge and Jericho argue just to fake out Nexus even though they ate assaults as a result? Or did join Cena only after the Nexus beatdowns, thereby proving Cena didn’t know what the fuck he was doing until about 9:45pm? Hm… and the divas match was stupid… and so was the tag match… and so was MH/Wade except for the finish…

You know what? The more I think about it, the less I know why I enjoyed it. Something just seemed to work tonight… I don’t know. It was definitely watchable, so you may want to check it out. Actually, you’ll definitely want to watch the opening match, but the rest of it you can probably skip.

Rating (out of 5): 2.25