OO TV/Event Recaps: RAW (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania, SummerSla

RAW: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Forget the Brady Bunch, Cena and Sheamus are The Odd Couple
July13, 2010

by ArsonMonkey
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

So, did anyone else see the news where Hugh Hefner is trying to arrange financing in order to "re-buy" Playboy stock and take ihis failing empire private again, all in order to fend off a hostile takeover attempt by the smuthounds at Penthouse? In so doing, Hef is promising to pay outside investors triple last week's market rate for his ailing mag's outstanding stock, therefore forcing Penthouse out of the bidding. The result: Playboy's on-paper net worth is now becoming every bit as artificially inflated as the bosoms of the laboratory creatures who have been featured exclusively on its pages for the past 15 years. ZING~!
That was a long way to go for a relatively easy/obvious punchline, I admit. But hey, I had no idea I was gonna have to step in and do this recap. Pyro had to take a night off, and didn't let me know until after RAW was done. Which means not only was I sorely lacking in prime PreRamble Material, but I also didn't watch RAW in my "must make funny observations to put in the recap" sort of way.
I just watched in my usual "find out what happens, file it away in the databanks, and move along" kind of way. So truly, this recap of tonight's show will be "All You Need to Know." And not much else beyond that. Enjoy... Segment 1: John Cena hits the ring to open the show with a promo. He reminds us of what he did to "Black Cena" Darren Young last week, and says that shows the extent he'll go to tonight to eliminate the Nexus. He's already eliminated Young to make it 1-on-6 (instead of 1-on-7), so do NOT underestimate him. Wade Barrett leads the Nexus out onto the top of the stage (all wearing stylish "N" t-shirts), to retort. He says Cena can posture all he wants, but he dug himself a hole by not obeying the Virtual GM last week, and now he's in a fight he can't win. And best of all: this time when Nexus destroys him, it'll be all legal. Cena says he welcomes the challenge, and if Nexus DOES take him out, then he's taking a few of the Nexus down with him. Segment 2: Alicia Fox beats Gail Kim via pinfall. Short match. Sloppy as hell, too. Alicia's just not very good. Eve was doing commentary, stumbling over herself, as well (instead of just trashing her hated rival, she refused to call Alicia's wins "flukes" or "cheating" and just said there'd be a different result if she was granted another shot at Alicia's Diva Title. Which led to a very special GM Email after the match. As read by Cole (this week, omitting the "The GM Says" intro that he used every time last week, and instead he said "The following statement comes from our General Manager" every time; more proof WWE reads OO and did not like us pointing out The People's Herring~!). This GM Email informed Alicia that she will have to defend her title against Eve at the PPV this weekend. Whee. Segment 3: The Usos and Tamina beat the Hart Dynasty in an Intergender Six Person Match. Nothing special, just a straight forward preview of the tag title match happening at Sunday's PPV. Tyson Kidd was your Face In Peril, hot tag to Powerhouse o' Fire, DH Smith, interference by Tamina causing a Pier 6 brawl to break out, and in the mess Jay Uso pinned Baby Bulldog cleanly. Segment 3a: Backstage, Chris Jericho is seen chatting with Wade Barrett, quietly congratulating him on the Nexus' success, saying Wade could not have been a better student on NXT and that he's doing exactly what Jericho would have hoped for him. When approached for further comment about his protege, Jericho gives WWE Diva Josh Mathews a stern "No Comment." The camera then pans back to the direction of Barrett, who has bumped into Yoshi Tatsu... Barrett castigates Tatsu for being a part of the group that saved Cena last week; Yoshi's defense in broken English is "John Cena is my friend." Camera pans back to show Barrett's 5 "N"-clad friends, and they proceed to whup Yoshi's ass. Segment 4: Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) hits the ring for a promo. DiBiase introduces himself as one half of WWE's most powerful couple... himself and the MitB Briefcase (which is hanging above the ring). Maryse is briefly perturbed by this, but like all good golddiggers, as soon as she learns that Teddy is going to use the briefcase to amass even greater fame and fortune as WWE champ, and will "shower her in gifts," she is quite pleased. Johnny Morrison eventually interrupts Ted's boasting, and his allegedly hilarious punchline is that he'd better forget showering Maryse with anything, since French people don't bathe. AHAHAHAHA! You think about Maryse in the shower, and 99% of what goes through your mind is unacceptable in today's G-rated WWE. But ethnic stereotyping is still A-OK! Maryse goes off on Morrison in French, which Johnny faux translates for all the fans (saying it had to do with the various odors emitted by exotic zoo animals, which was also not funny). Maryse tries to slap him, Morrison blocks, DiBiase gets involved, and it's a mini-brawl. Morrison gets the better of it, and lines up Starship Pain. But Maryse pulls Teddy out of the ring at the last second, so those two can walk off while Morrison pouts menacingly while oogling the MitB Briefcase. Man alive; ring the bell and Morrison is gold... but everything he does in terms of personality-having just comes off about as convincing as an awkward and tongue-tied 10th grader giving a speech in history class. Segment 5: a WWE version of the Brady Bunch opening credits airs, with Santino and Regal as Mr. and Mrs. Brady, and each of them having three team members, who will come together later tonight for a 4-on-4 match. Guest Host Florence Henderson gets the middle spot of the 9x9 matrix as "Alice," as she'll be guest ring announcing said match. After the "credits," we cut to backstage where Santino is talking to Florence. Some (purposely) hacky dialogue, with a phony laugh track (which confuses Santino, which is probably the funniest thing of all and DIDN"T get a laugh from the laugh track) ensues. Then Regal shows up and tries to make funnies of his own and then gets pissed when he gets no love from the laugh track. That was also moderately amusing, and a case of Regal at his Sideshow Bob "Sap With Dignity" best.... Regal eventually storms off, and Santino decides to end things on a decidedly uncomfortable note by noticing that Mrs. Brady is an attractive older lady and going in for a kiss. REBUFFED! Segment 6: Edge defeats Randy Orton via pinfall. Lengthy match; it lasted about 15 minutes and spanned 2 commercial breaks (Edge ring entrance, ad break, Orton entrance and match start, ad break, match finish and post-match), and though Orton was still semi-limited, his "gimmick" of being soul-crushingly slow and unexciting meant he was able to hide that and make this seem like a standard Orton match. Strong start for Orton (including the ever not-dynamic and yawn-inducing Garvin Stomp), which finally got switched up when Edge used a trip to the outside to swing things in his favor. With Orton down in a heap on the concrete floor, we hit an ad break. Back, and Orton was mid-rally, but got snuffed out. Edge, realizing who he was in the ring with, decided to pay homage to The Viper by applying a 2 minute chinlock. Oy. Orton's mediocrity has the capability of becoming an airborne pathogen, and on this night, Edge got infected... eventually Orton's real rally and comeback kicks in. Seems to be hitting a crescendo as Orton sets up for his Hangman DDT, but FINALLY somebody counters it. Hell yeah, it's about time; that move only takes for-goddamned-ever to set up (and why does the ref never count to 5 when Orton's doing illegal stuff in the ropes? setting up that move takes at least a 10 count!)... anyway, Edge sweeps the leg to escape and nails an impaler DDT of his own. Back and forth End Game with some counters and near falls, and Randall seems back in control after he dodges a Spear and Edge goes shoulder-first into the steel ring post. But that's when Chris Jericho walked down to the ring for no apparent reason. He jawed with Orton to keep him distracted and eventually threw his suit coat into the ring, which completely incapacitated the Intellectual Titan that is Randall Orton. Edge just came up behind Orton and rolled him up for the cheap pin. Post-Match, they underscored the "every man for himself" element of the 8-man MitB match, by having Jericho sneak in and hit the Codebreaker on his fellow heel, Edge. Then, as Jericho decided to take some cheapshots at Orton, Evan Bourne ran out to join in. Jericho ate an RKO, leaving the two babyfaces together... and this week, Bourne didn't wait for Orton to turn against him: Bourne struck first, hitting a quick flurry on Orton and then going up top to hit the Shooting Star Press.... except when he landed, Orton reached up and semi-RKO'd him right at the very end. Orton didn't even sit up to do it, he just waited till Bourne was already 6 inches from the mat to reach up and simulate the RKO, but on the tighter-in camera angles, you could almost convince yourself that Orton had done something, and that this wasn't just Bourne jumping chin first onto Orton's shoulder. PLAY RANDALL'S MUSIC! BECAUSE HE LOST THE MATCH! AND THEN JUST LAID THERE AS BOURNE PRETTY MUCH RKO'D HIMSELF! Segment 7: Backstage, Skip Sheffeild is WALKING~! And bumps directly into Johnny Morrison. The two have words. Morrison realizes he's surrounded by all Skippy's NXT buddies. Beatdown ensues. Segment 8a: Miz hits the ring for a promo. He reminds us what he did to R-Truth last week, and now R-Truth isn't in the MitB Ladder Match any more. And, Miz reminds us: he did THAT with HIS BARE HANDS. Imagine the ultra-violence he will perpetrate when you give him hardware like ladders to work with on Sunday! Virtual GM picks now to send another email. It opens with another Stolen Catchphrase: "Miz, just when you think you got all the answers, I change the questions." So last week it was Austin (and, if you believe OO, the Rock) you were supposed to think of. This week: Roddy Piper. In this case, the GM has not only selected a new final man to compete in MitB, but Miz must face him RIGHT NOW. Miz no likey. Segment 8b: Mark Henry beats Miz via DQ. Miz pretends like he wants to have a rasslin' match for all of 90 seconds, but then just lures the big man outside the ring and starts using foriegn objects against him. Henry is KO'd after being tossed into the GM Podium, and then suffers the "indiginity" of having some sanitary trash dumped on him before being gently hit with a rubber trashcan. Through this all, the Mighty Mark Henry remains unable to muster a comeback. Rubbermaid > Mark Henry, people. Segment 9: The Santino Bunch (Santino, Kozlov, Khali, Goldust) beat the Regal Bunch (Regal, Ryder, Primo, Doink). Florence Henderson did the ring intros, and then the match was on. Santino started and did some comedy bits with Regal, and when he FINALLY landed "The Cobra" for the first time ever, decided discretion is the better part of valor and tagged out to let Kozlov do some work. The heels eventually had enough of that and tagged in Doink to be the sacrificial lamb. Khali actually briefly "sold" a squirt gun attack by Doink before landing the judo chop and pinning Doink. After the match, the uncomfortableness continued, as they played Khali's music and everybody (including Florence Henderson) danced and gyrated along with the decidedly-uncoordinated giant. Random Tangent 1: I think I figured out why Florence Henderson got this gig despite being of zero current pop culture value... she and Linda McMahon have the same personal stylist. Check out the hair and make-up. And pant suits. Uncanny. Segment 10a: Josh Mathews interviews Edge about tonight's happenings, and Edge actually thanks Jericho. First, for helping him win. But then, "thank you for attacking me, Chris, thank you for the wake up call." Edge went back to 2 summers ago when he was channeling Heath Ledger's Joker and acting like a damned psycho, saying that Jericho reminded him that he must be deranged and he must love crippling other men come Sunday in the every-man-for-himself MitB Match. Along the way, he even decided to crack my shit up by talking about the voices in his head, and quoting Orton's damned theme song, and instantly being 7800% more convincing with the gimmick than blank-staring mantard Randall ever has been. Segment 10b: Backstage, Bourne is being tended to by a trainer when Sheamus walks up and starts taunting him for having his ass handed to him earlier, and saying he's lucky it was just Orton who hit him, because Sheamus would have put his scrawny ass in the hospital... it is at this point that the Nexus appear behind the two, and Sheamus begs off so that they can settle up with "Cena's little buddy." Which the Nexus does... and then Sheamus re-appears to start re-taunting Bourne... but then Nexus re-appears to stand there menacingly. Sheamus effectively sells "crapping his pants" when Barrett just makes so much as one fake lunge at him... after a moment of wondering if there might be a real attack following that fake lunge, Sheamus decides to run away at full speed. Perhaps he was just afraid that the Nexus were gonna give him "two for flinching"? Sheamus gets to the other side of backstage, where he asks where Cena's dressing room is, and then begins sprinting there... I guess he finally sees the wisdom of Cena's offer from last week, and that NObody, not even Sheamus, is safe from NXT... Segment 11: Nexus beats John Cena in a 6-on-1 Handicap Match. Just about what you'd expect out of a 6-on-1 match.... lacking in terms of real action or excitement, but they ladeled on the "psychology" and storytelling so that even a moron could grasp that Cena was in an unwinnable fight. First minute or two had him successfully keeping his opponent on the far side of the ring, away from the NXT corner. But NXT could keep tagging in fresh men, and eventually Otunga was the one who out-powered Cena and lured him into the Evil Corner, where the Nexus beatdown began. A few minutes of that, and then Barrett decides it's been enough, and he'll finish this off. But that's when Cena gets a big rally, even hitting the F-U on Wade... but what he doesn't realize is that Sheffield had blind-tagged himself in before Cena hit the move. So Cena goes for the pin, but the ref doesn't count, and Cena gets blindsided by Skip's lariat. Otunga follows with his whatever-that-is slam. And then they dragged Cena over to the corner and let Justin Gabriel hit the 450 Splash for the win. All of 5-6 minutes, total. After the match: NXT started getting in position for a further beating, but Cena rolled out of the ring at the last second and grabbed a steel chair. Then he brought it into the ring with him and started swinging wildly. NXT scattered to regroup, and Cena was suddenly bleeding (one of his chair swings hit the ropes and bounced back into his own face; I believe he might have Orton'd himself). Nexus decides to surround the ring, and attack from all four sides, and just as they are ready to pounce, Sheamus runs in with a chair of his own and stands side-by-side with Cena. NXT likes their odds 6-on-1.... but 6-on-2?!?!?! What do you take them for? Grown men in possession of testicles? HA~! Fade to black. Can't say as that a whole lot outright sucked, but this was also a show that did absolutely ZERO to convince anybody to buy Money in the Bank on Sunday. Whatever reasons you have for doing so are the same ones you had before RAW went on the air. So that's not really what you want to accomplish on the final pre-PPV episode, if you ask me, but whatever.... sort of a blah show, but nothing entirely offensive, really.

E-MAIL ARSONMONKEY
BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES

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