One thing I did permanently lose in the transition is my custom dictionary I use for these recaps, so I’ll be starting from scratch on that. This means starting over adding fun words like the aforementioned “precap,” “shitstorm,” and everyone’s favorite “MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!” Hilariously, “shitloads” is already in the MS Word default dictionary, it seems. Somehow, I feel the urge to write to Microsoft and insist they add “douchenozzle” to everyone’s dictionary too. 
  

I’m using Windows 7 now too. I had never touched Vista, so the switch from XP to 7 is a little disconcerting. But with a brand-spanking new dual-core processor, clean drives, and an OS supposedly faster than XP, I’m pretty stoked to try out some of my more advanced games. Heaven knows ArmA II runs like shit when you’re only rocking a single-core processor on 2 gigs of RAM.

Oh, and I named my new computer Brick. Seriously, check out the case: can YOU think of a better name?

All right, time to get to the recap. Let’s roll…

Segment 1: We cold open to the seven members of Nexus, all standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the ring. Wade Barrett is among them this week (I guess his behind-the-scenes issues are worked out), and speaks first. He updates us that General Manager Vista summoned Nexus here to face the consequences of their assaults against the Hall of Famers last week and Vince McMahon the week before. Barrett says that he won’t tell us why they did it yet, but that it wasn’t random: it “needed to happen.” Barrett does share that Vince believed he controlled them, but they wanted to prove otherwise. They assure us that they have an agenda, and Vince still doesn’t know what it is.

Skip Sheffield then takes the mic and tells us that their assault against the Hall of Famers was specifically for “fun,” especially because we fans loved watching it. He says the assault has also led directly to increased sales into Ricky Steamboat’s DVD set, so he should even be thanking them.

GM Vista pings Michael Cole’s computer (which now apparently also has the magic power to make the ring lights flicker). The punishments are that no one of Nexus is allowed to compete for any title until further notice, and the rule for Nexus people smacking around RAW superstars and vice versa is hereby repealed.

This announcement summons John Cena in very short order. Cena says that while Nexus has done a bunch of stuff things since they started here, they haven’t been involved in a fair fight. So joining Cena now is Randy Orton, the Hart Dynasty, R-Truth, John Morrison, and Evan Bourne.

Cena drops his mic and starts leading the squadron to the ring. As they get there, they’re jumped from behind by Edge, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Miz, Ted DiBiase, and the Uso twins. The faces get the upper hand and conquer the ring, but Nexus completely bails in the process.

The heels retreat to the stage. Cena finds a new mic and asks what the hell that was all about since they had a shot at finishing off Nexus here and now. Sheamus speaks for the heels, answering that Nexus has consistently attacked Cena since this whole mess started, and all seven of these guys are fine with Superwigger getting taken down a peg. Sheamus brings up that last week, Cena invited him to join forces and remove Nexus, but he now “respectfully declines,” and insists that the faces should do so as well.

This causes Randy Orton of all people to snatch the mic from Cena’s hand, so you know this is going to be fun. Orton starts by making a grammatical mistake, and insisting that he and Cena “aren’t friends… and never will be… unless we have to…,” which apparently they are. Then Orton tries some logic that Nexus kicked all their asses at Fatal Four-Way, so Sheamus should be just as pissed as they are. Then Orton immediately changes his mind, and decides the real solution here is to beat the fuck out of all seven heels for no reason.

This summons GM Vista again, who says through Cole that all eight members of the RAW Money in the Bank match will be fighting against each other in a series of matches tonight. Further, Cena and Barrett will meet in the ring tonight too… to shake hands and call a truce.

Cena stares at Cole for a moment, then takes the mic and addresses the hard camera. He suggests instead of shaking hands, he should ball up his fist and knock Barrett’s teeth out. GM Vista responds—in what had to be the world’s fastest typing speed outside of a court stenographer—that Cena needs to be calm and relaxed and the bigger man, and that’s… Cole pauses… “And that’s the bottom line, because the GM said so.”

…Whoa. The crowd responds pretty damn well to that line, though not as loudly as I thought they would. Well, I guess we didn’t actually see our favorite baldheaded beer-drinking rattlesnake, but still, the implication is there. Hopefully it’s not a red herring. [Ed. Note: everytime Cole stepped up to the podium, he uttered the phrase "The GM says..." which clearly means it's not Austin. It's the People's Red Herring!]

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Ted DiBiase (w/ My Little French Fry) defeats John Morrison by pin. Match was all right but nothing special, though with a retarded ending. Maryse was on commentary for most of the match, though she took a cell phone call in the middle of it, which was pretty hilarious to me. Anyway, JM got on a tear, so Maryse left the commentating table, stole and wore JM’s coat, then went up the stairs to the apron. JM glanced at her but didn’t really care; the ref, however, started yelling at her. Behind the ref’s back, TD gouged JM’s eye, which JM grossly oversold. TD then delivered Dream Street, and it was over.

Segment 3: Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella are WALKING~!. Santino is stoked about their new tag team: “Russia and Italy, together again! It’ll be just like World War II, but this time, with no Nazis. HIGH-FIVE!!!” That is unarguably the best Santino line since the Honkameter and Brain Barometer from a couple years ago. [Ed. Note: and it's every bit as historically accurate as the Germans bombinb Pearl Harbor, to boot...]

Vlad stops WALKING~! and speaks Russian, then translates in English that if Santino causes the team to lose, Vlad is so totally going to punch him. Not the best pep talk in the world, but it’ll do.

Pre-Segment 4: After the faces hit the ring, William Regal appears and says that after he was humiliated last week, he found a monster to help him out… who seems to be Khali. Cole explains over commentary that Translator insulted Khali last week just to motivate him rather than to be a real jerk. We’ll see…

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella sorta-squash William Regal & Khali (w/ Translator) by pin. Match was weird… Santino got the early advantage, then Regal beat the shit out of him, then Santino hot tagged out, then Vladimir got his ass kicked for ten seconds, then Vladimir hit three moves and won. Khali got no ring time.

Well, not until after the match, when Khali got in the ring and insisted the faces pick Regal up. They do so, Khali does a shitty “brain chop,” and then everyone starts dancing to Khali’s music, except for Vlad, who looks like he wondered if anyone laced his water with PCP. Cole again explains that Translator wanted Khali more aggressive, and now he is, so everything is copacetic. Whatever.

Segment 5: Josh Mathews interviews Arn Anderson in the back, who reports that Ricky Steamboat is still pretty fucked up after last week’s beat down. He wants to go on about it, but Sheamus appears and taunts him. He says that Arn used to be “the Enforcer,” but now he’s just a pussy senior. Arn says he used to be a lot of things, but he’s never been an idiot, and he sees that Nexus represents a hostile takeover. Arn insists that Sheamus needs to stand with the faces to fight against them, because they’ll so totally destroy the whole company and bring it down… man, that’s giving Nexus way more credit than they deserve, huh? Anyway, Arn says that Nexus’s strengths lie in exploiting others’ weaknesses, which is why the superstars all need to team up.

Sheamus responds that he has no weaknesses, and he’s WWE champion, so he doesn’t have anything to worry about. And besides, Nexus is so totally smart because they aren’t going to mess with him, since they wouldn’t last.

Arn chuckles, says that he’s smart enough to see that Sheamus is headed for a very large fall. Sheamus needs to band with someone or he’ll be alone. Sheamus again insists he doesn’t need anyone since he’s the champ. Arn shakes his head, says he just doesn’t get it, and walks away. Sheamus has a momentary face expression of contemplation, but nothing further is said.

Segment 6: R-Truth hits the ring for his match. Miz enters next, coming in to Truth’s music. Miz starts rapping to Truth’s tune, doing so in a so-horrible-it’s-hilarious way. In the ring, Miz’s ending verse is, “You didn’t beat me last time / I was playin’ possum / Because I’m the Miz / And I’m…”

SMACK! Miz blasts Truth in the head with the mic, then beats the fuck out of him all in and around the ring. Clearly, the match is called off. Miz does arm-related offense, slamming Truth’s arm into the steel steps for example, and ending in a nifty spot. Truth was lying on his side on the apron as Miz held his arm perpendicular to the ring. Then, Miz just dropped back, snapping Truth’s arm across the bottom rope. Truth fell off the apron and sold it like a champ, quickly helped by trainers.

As Truth is helped away, Miz finds a mic and starts taunting Truth. “People say the truth hurts, and right now, it hurts a lot, doesn’t it?” Uh… did Miz just call a black dude an “it”? RACIST!

…Kidding. Miz finishes his taunt by combining their catchphrases: he says he’ll hurt everyone he comes across, and that’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because I’m the Miz, and I’m awesome… which he delivers casually, adding to its impact. Nice!

Segment 7: Edge hits the ring for his The Cutting Edge show. The ring is, naturally, decorated in ladders. Edge gives us a moment of silence for Truth: “He only knew one song, but he did it oh-so-well.” BWA HA HA HA!!!

Edge goes on to respond to Orton’s original comment that he should be helping out standing against Nexus because, hey, Nexus attacked him too at Fatal Four-Way. Edge rhetorically asks if he should let it slide, then reasons out that why should he make seven enemies rather than seven allies. See, they’re directionless losers right now, but Edge wants to join—nay, lead—them!

Edge wants allies because in a measly two weeks will be the MitB match. He points out that everyone who has ever won it went on to become champion, which he’s done twice… something that his guests haven’t done before. So his first guest is Evan Bourne!

…And here comes Chris Jericho, to some moderate pops. He gets in the ring, says he doesn’t take a backseat to Bourne or anyone else, and says he knows that Edge is just trying to pander to Nexus to prevent a future attack. CJ continues with a smirk that he was indirectly responsible for the chaos of Nexus, influencing Wade Barrett to lead the rookies to cause some mayhem. Ergo, he should be the mentor and leader of Nexus!

Edge: “Why would they listen to a guy who got beat by Evan Bourne?” Chris: “Oh, the same guy that beat you at WrestleMania?” BURN!!!

Even Edge smiles at that one, but he says that he lost because he was too distracted with making all of us happy, a handicap he doesn’t have anymore. Edge insists he’ll win the MitB match, and cash it in, maybe even after the steel cage match at MitB.

Edge wants to give CJ a history lesson, but CJ decides to be the teacher here. He points out that when CJ entered WWE and grew long hair, Edge grew long hair; when CJ won his first championship, Edge then worked hard and won his first championship. It all adds up to Edge wanting to be Chris Jericho! As Edge wonders about the purity of the marijuana CJ had to have been smoking in the locker room, CJ himself continues on that Edge, like Bourne, only thinks they knock Jericho off his perch. But, CJ can’t be knocked off his perch, ever, because he’s the best in the world at what he does.

Edge is finished with hearing CJ run his mouth, so he starts beating the hell out of him. He lines up a ladder in the corner and starts to whip CJ to it, but CJ holds up and counters with the Walls of Jericho. Evan Bourne comes down at that point and starts attacking CJ. The heels try to double-team Evan, but he slips away.

This summons GM Vista, who asks, “If you want to see some action, give me a ‘Hell yeah’!” …Which the crowd does, so Cole orders everyone to clear the ring for a tag match. Bourne’s partner? Is Orton.

…I got it! The new GM is Eugene, channeling Steve Austin! Next week he’s going to tell Nexus to know their roles and shut their mouths, and then the week after he’s going to tell us to eat our vitamins and say our prayers! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!! [Ed. Note: except that it'd totally fuck with kayfabe if it turned out the Short Bus Superstar could type 150 words-per-minute like our AnonyGM can~!]

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Evan Bourne & Randy Orton defeat Chris Jericho & Edge by pin. Okay, just as the match started, Jerry Lawler asked the incredibly stupid line: “Does our anonymous general manager ever sign those e-mails?” A) If he did, it wouldn’t be anonymous, dipshit, and B) I think the catchphrases are enough of a signature, don’t you think? God, I hate WWE sometimes… I really, really hope that was Lawler just repeating the voices in his headset.

Anyway, the match itself was long. Too long. Like, way too fucking long. But it was good, at least from three of the guys. Orton’s two primary moves were Standing On The Apron and Squinting, so you can tell he’s definitely still hurting. He did manage to get enough of a fire under his ass to go in the ring, hurl CJ into the corner, and then hump the ring. I had a momentary hope that Orton would reinjure himself again doing his stupid ring humping, but sadly it was not to be.

Orton’s contributions were about 30 seconds offense after one tag, then to be the secondary Face In Peril after a false hot tag, then a useless lump who didn’t bother doing anything else. While I understand he’s hurt, honestly, this was a good way to keep him from fucking everything up, which I’m sure he could have easily done.

The match was technically sound with no brilliant highspots but plenty of cringe-worthy kicks from Bourne. CJ and Edge did plenty of good work too, and took advantage of Bourne’s flexibility and slight overselling to look like badasses. However, at the end, CJ and Edge were getting fed up with each other, resisting tags, and getting kicked for it. As CJ was tagged in for the final time, he yelled at Edge to do what he ordered. When CJ went to tag out, Edge gave him a rude Spear and just left. Evan followed this up with the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press, and that was it.

After the match, Orton did an RKO to Bourne, just to be a dick. And to hear his music play the segment out.

Segment 9: Orton is WALKING~! in the back after commercial and runs into Nexus… well, David Otunga, Michael Tarver, and Heath Slater. They are here to apologize for interfering in the Fatal Four-Way, and they give their word that they won’t interfere with the MitB match… but they might involve themselves with the championship match. Otunga also points out that if the MitB champ gets the idea to cash it in immediately after the cage match, well, Nexus might just involve themselves at that point if the MitB winner is on Cena’s side. So, yeah, don’t go with Team Superwigger.

Orton says he listened, and now, get out of my face. So scary.

Post-Segment 9: Michael Cole reports that with R-Truth’s injury earlier, he’s been written out of the MitB. That means there’s one more open spot for someone to jump into it… ten bucks says it winds up as Barrett or someone else from Nexus, since he’s not competing in an actual title match.

Segment 10: Josh Mathews announces that the Hart Dynasty will have to defend the Unified Tag Titles at MitB against the Usos. Speaking of whom, the Usos and Tamina appear to be interviewed. They don’t really say much of anything, other than a vanilla put-selves-over promo.

They leave, and then Alicia Fox appears, demanding to know why Mathews hasn’t interviewed her, even though she’s been champ for two weeks. Alicia says that Josh doesn’t have the guts to ask her if it was a fluke win at Fatal Four-Way, but she’ll answer her own theoretical question: it totally wasn’t a fluke, and she’s going to prove it right now against Eve!

Segment 11 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Alicia Fox reverse-squashes Eve Torres by pin. Eve beat Alicia’s ass, Alicia then feigned an ankle injury, then kicked Eve in the face and made the pin. Whatever.

Segment 12: Wade Barrett hits the ring, alone, and speaks to Cena even though Cena isn’t there yet. Barrett says that although it seems that Nexus has been picking on him, it’s not personal, and it does have a purpose. Barrett wants to go on, but politely asks for Cena’s presence before he does so.

Cena comes down presently, and rather tentatively enters the ring. Barrett goes on that Nexus has harmed Cena, and cost him his title, but he is not in the future master plan of Nexus. Barrett wants to shake hands and put this shit behind them, because Nexus will be in WWE forevers, and could make Cena’s life better or even more miserable.

Cena gets a mic and wants clarification. He wants to make sure that if they do shake hands, that the chaos will definitely stop, that the gangbang attacks will cease. He says that he knows the GM wants the truce, but he’s more concerned that Barrett himself wants the truce. Barrett doesn’t answer, but Cena brings up his hand. Barrett starts to do so as well, but Cena snaps his hand away and declares “Why should we stop when we’re having so much fun???” Oh good lord, here we go.

Cena acts like a moron, but then says Wade really needs to just take all his plans and peace treaties and “crumple them up really nice and stuff them straight up your Nexus,” because he will crush them all. [Ed. Note: and because the AnonyGM is The People's Red Herring~! Where are people getting all this Stone Cold stuff, isn't it toally obvious?] Cena declares it doesn’t matter if he’s alone, if he’s got help, he will beat down every member of Nexus, and that is their future.

Barrett replies that the only reason Cena is standing is because of Nexus’s will. Nexus eliminated Bret Hart, they eliminated Vince, and they will eliminate Cena if he doesn’t shake hands right now. Barrett offers his hand.

Cena takes his hand… then hauls him up for an FU. Barrett wiggles out, and the rest of Nexus materializes to beat him down. The other faces of Team Cena come down, but one ninja at a time… Until Mark Henry’s music fires up. Mark Henry is flanked by Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, Santino Marella, Khali, Vladimir Kozlov, and the Hart Dynasty. With that combined force, they make short work of Nexus, though Darren Young is left in the ring isolated from his retreating teammates.

GM Vista sends an e-mail that things need to stop right the fuck now or there will be consequences. Cena responds by putting the STF on Darren Young. GM Vista then sends a follow-up e-mail, and books a match for next week: all seven members of Nexus against John Cena in a 7-on-1 handicap match. Cena looks a little upset, and takes his frustration out by kicking the shit out of Young, and sending him shoulder-first into the ring post.

Oh, but Cena isn’t done, even as Young rolls out of the ring. Cena takes apart the ring steps, then throws them at Young’s face. Then, taking a page out of Nexus’s playbook, he flings Young over the commentators’ table, then overturns the table on top of him. BAM!

So I guess make that match 6-on-1 next week?

…And we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Once I realized the timing of the last quarter of the show, I mistakenly thought we were going to get a diva pseudo-main event that would actually be interesting to watch. Boy, was I wrong!

If we ignore squashes, we had two matches tonight: DiBiase/Morrison wasn’t bad but nothing special, and the tag match was technically good but overly long and not exactly exciting. Not really what I want out of the hourly shows, but who the hell am I, right?

As far as promos, well, I’m still liking the Nexus storyline, and the Edge/CJ promo was pretty frickin’ awesome. The opening and ending segments were good too, but again, I’m biased with Nexus; maybe you wouldn’t like them as much.

I find it ridiculously insulting that Lawler feigned innocence once GM Vista did Austin’s catchphrases, or for that matter that no one bothered to mention anything. That’s not making us interested, nor is it trying to downplay the surprise; it’s insulting our intelligence. Probably would have been better to save the “cause the GM said so” line for the very end of the night, and make that the only catchphrase, to give us all something to talk about later.

So, yeah: not a bad night, but not something you need to see or anything. It was storyline- and promo-happy, so if you’re more a fan of the in-ring action, you can freely skip it.

Rating (out of 5): 2.25