Okay, so, maybe you don't exactly know what I'm talking about. Picture it like this: you need a new athletic cup, and you accidentally buy a size too big, so not only is it an inconvenience that you need to go out again and buy another one, but you have to suffer the humiliation of getting one that might threaten your manhood if you're insecure like me. Also, this cup costs $120. [Ed. Note: aww, c'mon... there's nothing unmanly about sticking with DDR2 RAM. It works just fine and will still get the job done. You know, just like a ball-cup fashioned from the finest spruce planks by old world Amish craftsmen!]
  

Anyways, I'm tired. I'm unhappy. Maybe I need another vacation, but I can't go where I really want to go. I feel a little ill, too. Maybe a hot date with WWE RAW will help me out tonight...

Pre-Segment 1: We sorta-cold open to the commentators who tells us the following things: the NXT rookies are now collectively called "The Nexus," GM Vista is so totally going to deal with them for hurting Vince McMahon last week, and... uh... Vince is hurt but no one says how much.

Segment 1: Sheamus hits the ring, but he's here to talk. Ooo, and he's here to comment on the Nexus attack! Specifically, Sheamus is here to say: "The champ is here!" Why steal John Cena's catchphrase? Because he's sure he could have beaten Cena anyway last week even if Nexus hadn't attaked him. Also, that was Cena's rematch, so Cena is so totally finished. Sheamus is convinced that, somehow, because Cena lost the rematch, fans will no longer chant his name or wear his merchandise. Not sure about that logic, fella.

And here comes Cena to retaliate. Sheamus is immediately displeased, but Cena is not here for yet another rematch... he's out here to ask for help. Why? Because he wants to kick the collective ass of the Nexus. As Cena points out, Nexus went after Cena initally because he was WWE Champion, so now that Sheamus is WWE Champ, who do you think they're going after?

Cena flies off the handle, so we barely hear GM Vista sending an e-mail. So, they play the sound again, because that's so totally how computers work. Michael Cole reports that GM Vista will fire any member of Nexus who touches a WWE Superstar (which doesn't make a bit of fucking sense), and if any WWE Superstar who touches a Nexus member, they'll be suspended. So, uh, Nexus is isolated from the rest of the population.

Cena again flies off the handle and says that if we can't have a Nexus brawl, let's have a WWE Title match after all! And GM Vista e-mails Cole again, and says that indeed we're going to have a match involving the champ tonight, but Sheamus's opponent will be Mark Henry, and it's going to be non-title.

Cena again flies off the handle, and thinks he's funny but fails miserably, and we get one more e-mail from GM Vista, who hypes the next PPV. Sheamus starts to leave, GM Vista decides to write one more time, and books a match of Cena vs. Sheamus for the WWE Title at the PPV in a steel cage to prevent interference.

That ends the segment, though really it went on about twice as long as it needed to.

Segment 2: A 6-person mixed tag match is supposed to take place here, Hart Dynasty vs. the Usos and Tamika, but the heels jump the faces before the match starts. Tamika hits the punch line by hitting a top rope splash on Natalya, leaving her laid out.

Segment 3: Josh Mathews interviews R-Truth in the back, who says that Nexus is a collective "wild, untamed animal," and they should leave them here in the WWE zoo, and he's the zookeeper. Seriously.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Vladimir Kozlov squashes Santino Marella by pin. So, the story is, if Santino wins, Vlad becomes his tag partner. Anyone could have guessed how this was going to turn out.

Post-Segment 4: After the match, William Regal comes out, shakes Vlad's hand, and Vlad walks away chucking. Then Regal gets in the ring and attacks Santino for no reason, so Vlad comes down to make the save, to cheers. Vlad carries Santino out in the fireman's carry, still with a smile on his face.

Segment 5: Josh Mathews interviews Khali in the back, who (through his translator) says that Nexus... Wait, actually, Translator says that Khali said "I'm a big stupid giant who is tired of my manager protecting me, so Nexus should come down here and kick my ass." Uh... okay? What bug crawled up Translator's ass? And are we retconning out that they're supposedly brothers? [Ed. Note: "Retconning" would indicate that the Writer Monkeys remember that fact and are purposely changing things. My guess is they just plum forgot.]

Segment 6: We're getting an introduction of the guest host tonight, Rob Zombie. RZ hits the ring presently, then says that he knows the TOP SECRET participants in the RAW MitB match at the next PPV. And they're so totally TOP SECRET because he's the guest host! So TOP SECRET! ...And now he's going to tell us who they are. Ugh.

Anyway, the RAW MitB players will be Randy Orton, Miz, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Evan Bourne, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison, and Edge. RZ doesn't seem happy that Edge gets to play for some reason.

And wouldn't you know it, Edge appears on the Titantron, who says that they haven't spoken since Edge dumped RZ's song as his entrance theme. RZ retorts that he took his song back, that Edge didn't do shit. RZ tosses the mic away, but Edge goes on that since he won the first-ever MitB match, he's going to win this upcoming one.

After Edge's monologue, GM Vista sends another order: Looks like tonight's main event is an 8-man tag match featuring, you guessed it, the MitB players.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Mark Henry by pin. Match was extremely sloppy. MH seemed out of breath for the whole damn thing, and even featured a rather intense sweat stain on his chest before he even started down the ramp. Match ended with a Blarney Boot.

Segment 8: Josh Mathews interviews Nexus (minus Wade Barrett) in the back, who collectively says that they can still make an impact. How? By attacking a stagehand for no reason. Ah, see, he's not a "Superstar," so it's okay! And they have Josh Mathews pretty tightly surrounded, then start doing a poor man James Bond villain laugh.

Segment 9: Jerry Lawler is in the ring, then announces a 3-DVD set of Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat that's coming out soon, probably an item at #1 of Rick's Christmas list. Ricky hits the ring after a little preview, and is here to talk about it... But first, a chunck of the WWE legend roster comes down to pay respects to Ricky. This includes Michael Hayes, who I thought was so totally going to emmigrate once Barack Obama was elected President. You mean he went back on his racist, ill-advised declaration? Amazing!

Anyway, Hayes -- in addition to Dean Malenko, Arn Anderson, and Mike "IRS" Rotundo -- give him some light roasting and congratulations, with Anderson being the main one to heap on praise. Ricky then takes the mic and starts to talk.

And here comes Nexus, again except for Wade Barrett, with a new theme song. All the legends divide up and take off their suit jackets as the six rookies surround the ring. After a bit of teasing, the legends make a mistake, with Anderson getting dragged out of the ring, quickly beaten down, and eliminated. Shortly thereafter, Malenko is dragged out and thrown into the barricade. Rotundo makes the next mistake, eats a bunch of fists, and is thrown in the corner of the barricade.

Now down to three, a girl in the front row screams "Leave 'em alone, they're old!" Nexus doesn't listen, collectively hops up on the apron, then blitzes the ring together. Lawler gets chucked and is beaten down, followed by Hayes getting his head smashed in on the apron, and Ricky taking what I think was a testicle kick.

Nexus gives a few and-good-measure hits to the five guys outside, and then gets back in the ring to fully surround Ricky. Ricky doesn't go down without a fight, but he does go down. Nexus then hits him with a few finishers, including David Otunga's modified chokeslam, Skip Sheffield's stiff clothesline, and Justin Gabriel's 450 splash... although, as in the previous few weeks, it takes Gabriel some time and encouragement before he actually delivers. Think he's the first one destined to break from the group?

The question is academic at the moment, as Nexus gives snarls to the main camera, then leaves without fanfare, leaving Ricky laid out in the middle of the ring.

Post-Segment 9: After commercial, we see Ricky doing the full stretcher job, and the rest of the legends recovering and getting their heads together. Cole reports that Nexus is free and clear here, because GM Vista declared they couldn't touch WWE Superstars, and of course these guys were not WWE Superstars, but WWE Legends. Oh, and, according to Cole, no one in the locker room helped out, because due to the stipulations of the match, "their hands were literally tied." Cole really needs to look up the word "literally." [Ed. Note: I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, and say he was just channeling some VINTAGE MONSOON~! Nobody misued the word "literally" as badly as Gorilla used to. Literally. But it was funny once you caught on that he was doing it on purpose.]

Oh, and then we go to another commercial. So, yeah, good time management tonight.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Alicia Fox & My Little French Fry defeat Gail Kim & Eve Torres. Match was all right but nothing special. Gail was wearing a gorgeous shade of blue, but a great color isn't enough for her to deal with Maryse and Alicia simultaneously, as Eve basically proved herself entirely worthless.

Segment 11 [8-Man Tag Match]: Randy Orton et al defeat Ted DiBiase et al by pin. Match was decent but nothing special, although the pace was kept pretty high due to the huge number of guys involved. There were plenty of fun shenanigans, since the ref had zero control from the outset, including Chris Jericho introducing a ladder into John Morrison's gut behind the ref's back. (And of the course, the ref was totally oblivious as to what happened even though the ladder sort of magically appeared at ringside.)

Orton wound up winning after getting the second or third hot tag, ducked a punch, then hit his signature RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!, which was his one (1) move contribution to things.

Post-Segment 11: Violence ensued, generally along face/heel lines, with a few neat almost-high spots too. Finally Miz set up the ladder and started to climb it to grab the prop briefcase over the ring, but then Orton appeared and shoved the ladder, causing Miz to choke himself. Orton then reset the ladder -- after a lengthy pause, showing he doesn't want to move any faster than he talks -- and climbed it himself, grabbing the case and posing. This is our #2 face, ladies and gentlemen: he hits one move, tips over an inanimate object, and celebrates like he won the Super Bowl. Good job, buddy: that'll build credibility from the naysayers! [Ed. Note: or you could take the "glass half full" approach, like me, and give WWE a pass on doing anything remotely "credible" with Randall tonight, and just be thankful as all hell that the guy did nothing -- LITERALLY nothing -- for two hours and three minutes. No talking, no wrestling, no anything. Then he came in and hit one move and that was it. Elapsed Orton Expsoure: roughly 90 seconds. I can groove on that.]

Final Thoughts: My god, what a stinker this was. Massive time mismanagement, not a single compelling match, and only the main event was something better than "merely watchable," and even then, it took no chances that would have made it interesting. Pass.

And the NXT -- I'm sorry, Nexus -- attack was less thrilling than it should have been. Where the hell was Wade Barrett? I hope nothing untoward happened to the guy behind the scenes. [Ed. Note: Visa issues. Could take as much as a few weeks, but they're working on getting it sorted out, pronto. Something about the difference between having a temporary visa to be a pretend developmental wrestler making $500 per week, and having the right kind of work visa to be a full-time contracted TV star. McIntyre's "deportation" was apparently a "shoot," too, though his issues are slightly different.] Either way, while I suppose it "makes an impact" with them kicking the asses of guys collectively aged 600 years, it's the same attack they've done before. C'mon, guys, be creative! And learn to talk, Tarver: my god, you suck using your wordhole.

Ugh, what an annoying episode. Skip it guys: trust me, you're not missing a damn thing. Oh, and good job Rob Zombie, who redefined "guest host" as "dude who makes an appearance for 20 seconds worth of content and stretches it into 8 minutes."

...Oh wait, pretty much every guest host has done that, haven't they? Bring back the good guest hosts, damnit, or don't have them at all! Which reminds me: no guest host was announced for next week, so maybe WWE really is giving it up. [Ed. Note: no, they aren't. They are just having trouble getting guests for every week, so there will be off-weeks or -- perhaps -- an official move to an every-other-week guest host. For instance. Nothing next week, but the week after is Florence "Mrs. Brady" Henderson. Probably because WWE heard Betty White was a funny dirty old lady, but Betty White still has a shred of dignity, so WWE was forced to go with the C-list dirty old lady. Cuz nothing says G-Rated Fun like dirty old women.] Too bad, really: I, like many others, was hoping the final goal of this whole experiment was to get The Rock on there, but if we're just going to have to deal with time-wasting morons instead, it's just not worth it.

I'm out, guys. See you on Saturday for the SmackDown recap, hopefully with my new computer.

Rating (out of 5): 1.0