I took another look at my words last week, including the several paragraphs preceding my Michael Cole / France comparison, and I realize I was in fact too harsh. I suppose the only explanation I can give is that, with the presence of my friend here that I’ve not seen in a year, we got a bit rowdy and his influence actually affected my words. (It’s one reason I dropped so many f-bombs in the last half of the whole recap.) With that, I would like to issue this retraction of my statement, as well as make the following corrections… 
  

At the time of his retreat, Michael Cole was NOT eating a croissant, wearing a beret, nor drinking cheap wine. Michael Cole was NOT being lazy, opting to strike despite having two months of paid vacation at a job with a 35-hour work week. Michael Cole was NOT using body spray in place of soap. Michael Cole was NOT being a rude, arrogant, ungrateful man who looked down on everyone around him (Daniel Bryan excepted). In fact, Michael Cole WAS showing an intelligent decision, something the French are as yet unaccustomed to.

In short: I do sincerely apologize to Michael Cole for comparing him to France. Cole is more like… uh… Bulgaria: easily convinced to surrender and too small to be relevant in the larger picture. And probably too small to have Internet access to send me any hate mail! [Ed. Note: why would you even care about what the French think, man? The rest of the world gave up on even pretending to humor them, like, 80 years ago...]

Segment 1: After a recap of the aforementioned NXT rookie attack last week (and I don’t recap recaps), we cut to the arena, where Wade Barrett is all set to address us. He has been asked by WWE management to apologize to us all for his actions, but calls down the other six rookies (remember, Daniel Bryan has been actually fired, probably) to join him in the ring. All seven are wearing the same black armbands with an N on them. As they get there, Jerry Lawler convinces Cole—and the timekeeper, and Justin Roberts—to just leave, which they do.

Barrett gives the mic to Heath Slater, who refuses to apologize, which doesn’t surprise him. Barrett goes to each man in turn, demanding (with an invisible wink) to apologize, which they don’t do. David Otunga in fact goes so far to say that WWE should apologize to them.

Barrett addresses everyone again by saying that the rookies joined up because NXT treated them like animals, forcing them to deal with a locker room the size of a closet and compete in lame challenges. He also takes issue with WWE management themselves for changing the rules, treating them all like “an international joke.” Well, Barrett says, no one was laughing last week after they tore shit up.

And a guitar squeal introduces Bret Hart to an enormous pop. Bret points out that an eight-on-one attack doesn’t make them tough, it makes them cowards, especially seeing as they beat the shit out of innocents. Barrett counters that, speaking of innocents, Daniel Bryan felt remorse over what they did, and so we won’t see him again… this is punctuated by Michael Tarver holding up an N armband, representing that DB is no longer among us. Hm… turning DB face after being supposedly legit fired? I dunno…

Anyway, Bret goes on that despite the attack, John Cena is still gold for the championship match at the PPV this Sunday. Barrett says that the attack had nothing to do with Cena: that the attack has nothing to do with him. In fact, other than a few of the pros that were attached to NXT, they don’t have a problem with anyone in the locker room. All they’re upset about is the management.

But moving on, Barrett has an out here, since he’s got a contract for a PPV title shot. However, the other six have demands too. Otunga then takes the mic and demands contracts, private dressing rooms, and first class travel accommodations forever… and if they refuse, there will be more destruction like last week.

Barrett takes the mic again, and further explains that all seven of them are the future of the company, all “highly polished young athletes,” and tries to convince Bret that giving them contracts is going to just change history and be the best decision Bret can make. Bret says that while it is his job to find new talent, he refuses to sign these assholes.

Barrett assures him that that’s a mistake. Bret says that, in fact, he made the mistake: Bret says that Barrett is no longer the #1 up-and-comer in WWF [sic], and is, in fact, fired. So all of you need to get the hell out of the ring, or the cops will be here shortly to escort them out!

Half the NXT rookies look more confused than anything, and the crowd fires up a… a… well, I think it’s the goodbye song, but I honestly can’t tell. They continue to talk among themselves as we fade out to commercial.

Segment 2 [Fatal Four-Way for the United States Title]: Miz defeats R-Truth by pin and outlasts John Morrison and Zack Ryder, and is the NEW United States Champion! Damn fine match, very entertaining, not too long either.

An awesome spot happened after the commercial. Zack Ryder when to the top rope for something, so John Morrison jumped up after him. JM started a superplex, but Ryder blocked it. So R-Truth came running over, stood with his face in JM’s crotch, then powerbombed JM off the top rope… which allowed JM to finish the superplex, and Ryder’s feet also caught Miz’s feet. Truth tried pinning the other three, but each kicked out. Slick spot!

The final spot saw Ryder doing his finisher to R-Truth. Ryder went for a pin, but Morrison kicked him off. Morrison then did a Starship Pain to Truth, but before he could make the pin, Miz tossed him from the ring. Miz made the pin on Truth, and that was it: new champ!

Segment 3: Randy Orton is in the locker room, without his arm sling. Josh Mathews appears and asks for his thoughts on the PPV: Orton says he totally predicts that the title will change hands, and he’ll prove how awesome his shoulder is when he beats Sheamus tonight. Josh also asks what he thinks about the NXT invasion, and is wishy-washy about it, saying that he understands the desire to do something to make an impact but thinks that “they need to be fired or get their brains beaten in.” But because they were fired, “they got off lucky.” So compelling of a speech, I’m almost in tears.

Segment 4: Mark Feuerstein, the star of Royal Pains, is in the back with the Bella Twins. After pimping his show (in which Show guest stars this week), Ted DiBiase appears and wants to pay him to be a co-guest host. Mark makes fun of him—though he gets a little effeminate in the process—and even says that he could totally take him out since he took wrestling in high school.

Ted wants Virgil to deal with this, but Big Show sneaks up behind them. Show then decides to make a match: Virgil and Ted versus Mark and Show in the main event. The heels agree and leave, at which point Mark admits to not being a wrestler but an ice skater, and gives us a gay little pirouette to demonstrate… which makes the Bella Twins think twice about being in the same room.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Evan Bourne defeats Chris Jericho by disqualification. Match was decent but nothing special, basically a reverse-squash. Bourne ate a Codebreaker late, but managed to kick out. This caused CJ to go batty, beating the shit out of Bourne while he held the rope. The ref tried to break it up, and CJ threatened (but didn’t hit) the ref. Still, that’s naughty, so he was immediately DQed.

After the match, Jericho kept trying to attack, but Bourne managed to give a nice stiff roundhouse to CJ. This was conveniently near the corner, so Bourne hit the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press. It’s academic as he already won, but this obviously can’t make CJ pleased.

Segment 6: John Cena hits the ring, and starts to speak with a subdued voice. He thanks Bret for giving him the night off and thinking of his best interests, though says he feels the best just being here in the ring. Cena also thanks Bret for not meeting the rookies’ demands, but also says that a small part of him admires what the rookies did. Cena goes on that he’s used to being the biggest target in WWE due to his holding the WWE Championship.

Still, Cena says that the rookies’ plan was almost perfect, but that their attack was mistargeted. If they really had a beef against the management, then attacking announcers and tearing up a ring doesn’t really help. He hopes they’re watching now, as he turns up his intensity dial to 11 and says that while all of them are fired, he is still in the ring, and he is still going to be in the PPV, and he is still going to retain the title. Cena isn’t worried about things, and won’t press charges against the rookies, but hopes they come back to try to finish what they started.

And on cue, the NXT rookies do indeed come on down. Seems they didn’t leave the arena after all! They surround the ring… but then Jerry Lawler hops in. And then William Regal, R-Truth, Santino Marella, and John Morrison materialize beside him. The rookies think they have a chance and start the attack.

It’s split fairly evenly, until Randy Orton, Sheamus, Edge, and others come down to help out. Sheamus in fact has a steel pipe; though he makes no contact, it’s enough to cause the rookies to bail.

The superstars aren’t happy with just letting them bail from the ring though. Most of them start chasing the rookies, Santino of all people in the lead, all the way around the stage through the back, and to the parking lot. At one point, we see Mark Henry joining the “chase”: however, he started in front of the rookies, and still managed to be outrun by all of them. Seriously, watching Mark Henry trying to “sprint” is pretty much the most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen on WWE in a long time.

Anyway, the rookies get to the parking lot and scatter in all directions. Once again, Santino is in the lead, being the first line of defense in case they’re dumb enough to turn around, though that wouldn’t exactly intimidate me (just sayin’). We fade out from there to commercial, though considering our last in-arena shot was of Cena, Edge, Sheamus, and Orton occupying the same general area, it makes me wonder…

Segment 7: …Huh, we’re back from commercial, and I guess nothing serious happened. We see Sheamus storming in the back with his pipe, and Josh Mathews appears to ask him why he just helped Cena out. Sheamus explains that he aided him because he refuses to let the NXT rookies show them up, and besides, he wants to take out Cena, not a bunch of jerkface rookies.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Eve Torres & Gail Kim defeat Alicia Fox & My Little French Fry by pin. Meh. Match ended with a goofy little spot where Maryse (illegal) tried to grab Eve from the apron for a little double-team move. Alicia lined up a big boot, but Eve dodged, and Maryse was sent off the apron. As Alicia came back from that, Eve nailed her with a twisting neckbreaker.

After the match, Gail took hold of the Divas Title, glanced at and coveted it for a second, but went ahead and handed it to Eve without incident. This is to tease their Fatal Four-Way match this Sunday, of course: I have, sadly, no faith they would actually turn Gail to give her more personality and the push she deserves, but you never know.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Mark Feuerstein & Big Show defeat Virgil & Ted DiBiase by pin. As I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, Show did 99% of the work, tagging in Mark when Virgil was taken down. For his WWE debut, Mark decided to bust out Scotty 2 Hotty’s “The Worm.” An especially shitty one at that. But it was enough to put Virgil away, and Ted didn’t bother breaking the pin.

After the match, Ted pulled a trick out of his father’s playbook and stuffed a $100 bill in Virgil’s mouth. Then, Ted thought better of it: he took the bill out of Virgil’s mouth, wiped it on Virgil’s stomach (which I think is less sanitary), and stuffed it down his pants (which I know is less sanitary).

Segment 10 [Singles Match, Vladimir Kozlov is the special referee]: Santino Marella defeats William Regal by pin. Match was short and fairly lame, with Santino winning by grabbing a handful of Regal’s tights.

Post-Segment 10: Directly after the match, Bret comes out of the back and demands these three guys, plus everyone from the locker room, to stand with him on the stage. Presently, the entire RAW roster is indeed up there, from the Hart Dynasty to Goldust. That is, aside from the four guys in the main event: this is the WWE security force, I suppose.

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: John Cena & Randy Orton and Edge & Sheamus wrestle to a no contest. Match was all right but nothing special, completely normal and formulaic, especially considering the four guys involved.

One cool spot showed Sheamus doing a rear naked choke on Cena while both were standing. Cena even teased a tag, managing to walk halfway across the ring with Sheamus completely on his back, though he ultimately fell. Didn’t get pinned, though.

Shortly after that, we entered the end game, with Cena being Face In Peril but making the hot tag to Orton. Orton then became a second FIP, and when Cena got the follow-up second hot tag, the lights kinda faded…

Post-Segment 11: …and we go to the back, where the NXT rookies have reentered the arena and are tearing shit up in the hallways. Not very destructive for impactful, overturning buffet tables, you know? But then, the superstars are all at ringside and just watching this on the Titantron, so the rookies are in no danger of being bounced again.

After a bit of hallway-related destruction, they find Bret Hart. They drag him to the parking lot—after ripping off his shirt for no discernable reason—and stuff him in the back seat of a limo. The limo—whose driver remains unseen—then goes on a rampage of backing into every vehicle he can find, ending by slamming into the side of a silver car. The rookies drag Bret out, and Barrett demands to have contracts for all seven of them by Sunday. The rookies bail, and our final shot is Bret grimacing. And possibly sobbing.

Final Thoughts: Not as overt of a display of force as last week, but the NXT rookie storyline is still going nice and strong. Let’s ignore the silly logistics of Bret being in the back seat of a limo and how ramming its trunk into various soft targets wouldn’t hurt that bad, and we have a nice spot to end the night, albeit without a match finish.

We don’t know who the limo driver is, and something tells me they’re not doing something cool like having it be Daniel Bryan. Though, this does make me wonder: if the firing is legit, and if it’s for the reason that seems to be prevalent on message boards (that DB was fired because he chose to choke out Justin Roberts), then it makes it even more ridiculous that chocking is somehow less of a G-rated action than this was. No blood, but still… seems hypocritical to me. But then, we’ve discussed that before around Online Onslaught, and all over the OO Forums.

Anyway, let’s just concentrate on the in-show thing here. Not a bad night, even if the matches stayed completely safe. Every segment was entertaining in its own way… well, other than for Mark Feuerstein’s segments, though they weren’t actively annoying, just not entertaining.

No announcement of next week’s guest host, or if there was, I didn’t catch it. Either way, what’s more important is the upcoming Fatal Four-Way PPV. Having the main event predicated with a series of non-finish buildups is a courageous move, but for this one time, it’ll work due to the NXT storyline. I’m pretty curious how things go on the PPV—though not enough to buy it—and especially next week. So far, it’s still sustainable episodic television, and we can’t really expect more.

Rating (out of 5): 2.75