Remember that whole “no soda” experiment I did back in January? I might be switching to that again…

I’ve dropped 15 pounds in the last two or three weeks, and I want to continue the trend (not that I really think anything is going to stop it any time soon). I’ve decided to again try the no soda experiment, but I’ve got a slightly more realistic alternative now.
 

Now I just have to convince myself to start buying them for the home, and I might be under 190 before too long!

Segment 1: Screw introductions, we cold-open to Edge beating the shit out of Evan Bourne, with a microphone on the ground as well. Michael Cole updates us that Evan was here to blather to the crowd, but Edge came out stop him. Clearly, that’s working at the moment.

Oh wait, Evan gets a bit of an advantage after about a minute, clipping Edge with a few kicks, but eventually whiffing on the on the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press. Edge followed that up with a Spear, and that was the end of that.

Edge grabs the mic and breathlessly tells us that what we just saw is exactly what’s going to happen to Sheamus, John Cena, and Randy Orton during the main event of Fatal Four-Way. Edge continues on that everyone, especially Evan it seems but including the crowd as well, just disrespects him. However, we’ll all respect him again once he wins the title.

Edge then runs down the three opponents, putting over Cena as a superhero and “the strongest man in the industry,” Sheamus as being unstoppable and single-focused on getting what he wants, and Orton the Trouser Snake as wanting to “sink his fangs” into everyone. Edge even manages to goose an “RKO” chant out of the crowd. Edge, ladies and gentlemen: single-handedly putting over everyone who doesn’t deserve it!

And here comes Orton himself, actually operating on a normal walking speed to get to the ring. Once Orton is in the ring, he starts a staredown with Edge… and Edge again goes on a monologue, cutting a better promo to put Orton over that Orton could do himself. Edge says that Orton will so totally not win, and that he’ll so totally hurt him. Edge then returns his staredown.

…Which makes Orton do an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!. Orton then poses on the ropes as his music plays us out.

Amazing: Edge really is doing all of Orton’s promo work. Yep, that’s playing to your strengths, WWE. Good for you… except for hiring Orton in the first place and keeping him on after all his drug and gym bag pooping incidents, that is.

Segment 2: Ashton Kutcher is in the back, and Eve Torres finds him… but the camera is choppy, indicating this is pre-taped. After hyping his stupid movie, he says he has put a bounty on Zack Ryder because Zack trash-talked him on Twitter. (Yes, even though the guest host Only the biggest tool in the universe could possibly care that much about frickin’ tweets.

Then Miz arrives. Apparently, he was summoned. Kutcher and Bret Hart got together, and booked a match: Miz vs. Daniel Bryan tonight. Miz isn’t happy, but the crowd is.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: R-Truth defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Decent match with a really amazing result. No super high spots (nothing you haven’t seen before from Truth), but the match ended with Truth managing to reverse the freakin’ Walls of Jericho to a small package pin. Jericho was ready to cry.

Segment 4: Zack Ryder is in the back, with Alicia… and with The Man, Bret Hart (sporting some dyed hair to look Not Quite So Old). Zack is pissy that he’s got to deal with the bounty, but stomps away.

Then comes the Hart Dynasty, who asks what’s up with the black dudes (and lady) from last week. Apparently they’re the “Oozles” or something, and Bret signed them. He didn’t know they were going to attack the HD (or that one of them would fall off the ropes in the process), but he’s not going to punish them. Bret says he’s not going to cut THD any slack just because they’re related, and if they want to take care of the Oozles, they need to do it on their own. Bret leaves, and THD quickly huddles to discuss strategy.

Pre-Segment 5: Santino Marella and Eve are here for a match, followed by William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, and Maryse. Vlad isn’t involved in the match, and Santino offers to take him from Regal as his permanent partner. Except that he talks too long and annoys the fuck out of me about it.

Segment 5 [Mixed Tag Match]: Santino Marella & Eve Torres reverse-squash William Regal & My Little French Fry by pin. Match was stupid as hell, and time-compressed. Santino got his ass kicked, and when we had our Pier Four Brawl, Vlad came in and chokeslammed (yes, chokeslammed) Regal behind the ref’s back. Uh… so Vlad took Santino’s offer? Whatever... I don’t care.

Segment 6: Bret is out here for a special announcement. Apparently, next week, we’re going to have a three-hour super show, with SmackDown getting in on the fun as well. Plus, the fans get to play along, though how, Bret doesn’t say. Bret also asks for superstar input, and then promises that next week will be a hell of a lot of fun.

And here comes Ted DiBiase, with Virgil. Ted suggests that he should be GM for next week’s RAW, complete control of the show for one night only, and will pay handsomely both Bret and Teddy Long. He goes on that Bret isn’t too “good” to be bought here, so Bret should just name his price and be done with it.

Before Bret agrees or disagrees to that, Kutcher appears on the Titantron. He explains that we’re going to have the show be “Viewers’ Choice,” sorta like Cyber Sunday or Terrible Tuesday or whatever it was called, so the fans get the GM powers. Bret’s happy with that, and Ted is pissy.

And here comes Vince McMahon with a cocky little smile. Haven’t seen the old fart since his ass tapped out to the Sharpshooter at WrestleMania. Ted and Virgil bug out, but Bret holds his ground, and Vince seems to ignore his presence as he soaks up the cheers.

Vince finally acknowledges the Hit Man, gets a little pissy about getting his ass beat back then, and then patronizes that Bret was all over the GM role now that he got the violence out of his system. Vince says that he green-lit Bret as GM of RAW because it makes for a wonderful story that a man banished from the company 13 years ago to rise to power as GM. He goes on that not all of Bret’s decisions will be as easy as they have been, but Bret can do it. “I just hope that story… has… a happy ending.” Uh oh.

Nothing further is said though, as Vince’s music plays him off, and Bret just keeps his trap shut. Good plan, buddy.

Segment 7: For some reason, Zack Ryder is getting a lot of face time. This time, he’s talking to Bill Gramatica, hoping he isn’t here to being taken out. Orton replies that if he wanted Zack dead, he’s be dead. Except he didn’t say that verbatim and instead said it much, much dumber.

Zack leaves, Orton turns around, and Edge appears to slam a door on his arm… which has the magical effect of making Orton fall on his ass, then, after a pause for no reason, flops over after another moment in the opposite direction he was leaning. Orton is too good for basic physics, damnit!

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Miz by pin. Match was pretty damn good, ending with a triple reversey spot that was partially blown by the ref delaying the count. It didn’t look very clean.

After the match, Miz beats on DB some more, tossing him out of the ring near the commentators’ table. Miz exits the ring, grabs DB’s head, sticks it on the table, and demands that he apologize to Michael Cole for his actions on NXT last week. DB pauses briefly, counters the hold, then flings Miz into the face of Cole.

Segment 9: The mysterious black guys and chick from last week are here. They rhetorically ask who they are, then introduce themselves as Jimmy and Jules Uso (twin sons of Rikishi), and the girl is the daughter of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (though I didn’t catch her name). They cut a really nonsensical promo about how awesome they are. I can’t take my eyes off the chick, mostly because her shirt looks like it’s covered in clown vomit.

They each take it in turns to cut a promo about how their families are so totally disrespected around here, and how they are here to dominate everyone, starting with making a statement against Hart Dynasty.

…Who, obviously, come down and start beating the shit out of the guys. Until they go for a Hart Attack, that is, at which point they’re beaten down again, followed by another three-way splash, though one dude fell off (jumped?) early and fucked it up.

Segment 10: Damnit, here’s Zack again, with Alicia Fox. Zack blathers, wants to know who put the hit on him, and Kutcher appears and tells us that he’ll show who took the bait. Jerry Lawler gets in the ring… but psyche, it’s not him.

Then Khali’s music fires up. As if I wasn’t depressed enough tonight.

But then Kutcher says it wasn’t him either. Then out comes Goldust, but it’s not him either. This stupidity continues for a bit, then Alicia beats the shit out of Zack. Wow, so surprising.

Ugh. All Alicia did was do a scissor kick, and Zack popped right up. That’s not really “taking him out,” is it? If I was Kutcher, I’d keep my money. No wait: if I was Kutcher, I’d do the world a favor and slit my wrists. Then keep my money anyway just to be a dick.

Segment 11: Sheamus finds Edge in the locker room, and congratulates him for the dick move he did to Orton. See, Sheamus and Edge were supposed to face Cena and Orton tonight, but now Orton has been written out. They then agree to double-team Cena tonight for the main event, but Sheamus so totally wants Edge to remember not to take advantage of him.

Pre-Segment 12: Cena comes out, then announces that, indeed, Orton is out for the night. So, good job, you took out my partner, and now I’m alone…

But wait! Everyone hates you! So I can pick anyone! So I’m picking the little guy you kicked the crap out of earlier! Because that’s so totally the best strategic choice! Even though no one watching the show on TV really knows what’s going on! So fuck you!

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: Evan Bourne & John Cena defeat Sheamus & Edge by pin. Decent match, pretty fun and exciting, but nothing really major special until the end game. We saw Sheamus (legal) charge Cena (legal), with Evan on the apron. Cena dodged, and Evan countered with a high roundhouse kick over the ropes. This staggered Sheamus, who stumbled into Cena’s waiting arms for an FU.

Immediately after that, Edge materialized and tried a Spear on Cena. Cena sidestepped and tried to sell us that he shoved Edge’s head toward the corner, though he clearly missed, but Edge went ahead and Speared himself into the corner post.

At this point, Evan started climbing the ropes. Cena dragged him to the corner, and at some point tagged in Evan… but as Evan was standing on the ropes, Cena went through the ropes, clearly touching the top one, and scaring me for a second that he was going to knock Evan off. It was all good though: Evan hit the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press, made the pin, and we have the second midcarder over upper midcarder result of the night.

The faces celebrated as we faded out.

Final Thoughts: Not bad at all, somewhat sustainable episodic TV. Kutcher wasn’t actually there, which is nice, although everything involving him and Zack was retarded as hell and a complete waste of time. Nothing major otherwise, no major stories moved on, though next week’s RAW will probably be fun. I always liked the Cyber Sunday concept, and with the PPV eliminated, doing a supershow of it isn’t a bad idea at all.

No announcement who the guest host is next week, if there is one, not that anyone cares.

Rating (out of 5): 3.0