It’s darkest before the dawn, as they say. Things will look up for myself, I can feel it! I haven’t had this much willpower to make changes in my life in YEARS! And it will be tough, and it won’t be quick or easy, but damn it: I’m going to get through it!

Sadly, WWE is probably not so lucky…

Segment 1: Batista out to open the show… helped by two refs. His arm is in a sling, he’s limping, his ribs are taped, and it takes him four times as long to get his ass to the ring. Once there, he sits in a wheelchair, then dismisses the refs and demands to get his spotlight. Finally, he speaks…

Bats is all, “Fine, whatever, I said I quit.” But he says he said it only because his life was threatened, damnit! So because Cena went ahead and did the FU off the top of car anyway, he’s going to sue Cena, WWE, and oh, by the way, the fans, because they cheered. “That’s not the way championship matches are supposed to happen… duct tape, being thrown off cars… I could sink to his level, but I believe in honor!” …Which draws a “You suck!” chant. Heh.

Bats says that the whole thing has led to a shitload of injuries, which could take months or even years. But he promises that he’ll be back, and he deserves a rematch, and wants it, and—

Wait, the announcer cuts him off… “Ladies and gentlemen, the new GM of Monday Night RAW… is… Bret ‘The Hit Man’ Hart!”

Holy. Shit. My night is made.

Bret hits the ring and hops in the ring. He declares that a new sheriff is in town (a phrase that makes me want to play some more Red Dead Redemption), and is already booking matches. In a month, a PPV called “Fatal Four-Way” will be done (I guess it does nothing but Fatal Four-Way Matches?), so he’s booked a match where the champion (if it’s still Cena) will take on three guys. The three will be qualified tonight. So, Bats’s can qualify, and the qualification match happens right now.

Bats flies off the handle. He’s hurt, damnit! Well, Bret says that’s okay, his opponent is hurt too. So Bret announces that Bats’s opponent, right now, is… Randy Orton!

Bats continues to fly off the handle, that it’s not fair, that he refuses to do so. So Bret says fine: the winner by forfeit, Randy Orton! Bats again flies off the handle, and threatens to quit wrestling forever if Bret lets this happen.

Bret… leaves. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

After Bret leaves entirely, Bats pulls a Ric Flair-caliber freak out, demanding that Bret comes back, and that no one will ever watch the show again if he quits, and he’s gonna quit, so fix this or WWE goes bankrupt! Of course the crowd continues jeering him, so finally Bats screams into the mic, “I QUIT!!!” Ah, the symmetry.

Bats leaves the ring, gets in a wheelchair, and the refs push him up the ramp as they crowd continues shredding him. Finally, just to be a dick, the announcer says, “Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, give it up… for BATISTA!!!” …Which of course draws hilarious boos, all the while Bats is still acting like Ric Flair by completely freaking out.

What an awesome day. I mean, the happiness of Bret being a weekly star of RAW still can’t offset the fact that Ultimate Mantard somehow qualified for a PPV main event by breaking his arm 24 hours prior and not bothering to even show his face on RAW. I’m sure it makes Rick thrilled that Orton wins matches without even showing up.

Randy Orton and WWE, ladies and gentlemen: the only professional relationship in the world where being a complete idiot and hurting yourself by humping the ring earns you a promotion.

Segment 2 [Singles Match, winner qualifies for Fatal Four-Way main event]: Sheamus defeats Mark Henry by pin. About as exciting as you would think it would be. The only interesting thing happened at the very end, where Sheamus went to the top rope, but then Mark pulled him off and held him in a military press… no small feat for such a huge dude. Still, Mark then sold the shoulder (which Sheamus had worked on the whole match), so Sheamus dropped down, hit the Blarney Boot, and made the pin.

Segment 3: After a commercial, Jon Lovitz is supposedly on the phone with Vince McMahon. Jon is holding a “superstar search” later, a talent contest I guess, and thank god Chris F. Masters is on SmackDown. Anyway, my little French Fry, Maryse, appears and promises to bribe Jon with naughty pictures if she can win the talent contest.

Jon wants a sneak peak, but Maryse refuses. Jon asks for the sneak peak because he has a “dreaded jugular pinch” that he’s been teaching John Cena. Maryse scoffs. So then Jon tries speaking French, then reminding her that he’s got millions of dollars. That makes my little French Fry interested… but Jon does a 180 and says he was just kidding. So Maryse fakes a punch, which makes Jon run away screaming. Pussy.

Segment 4: Edge is talking in the back to Bret, and wants a championship match against Cena tonight, that he shouldn’t have to be in a PPV qualifying match. Bret counters that Edge never won his match last night (drawing with WWE’s Bill Gramatica), so he doesn’t deserve squat.

Edge says all right, but follow this logic: Orton got to face a banged up Batista, so maybe Edge should take on a banged up John Cena tonight, in the same vein, but for qualification purposes.

Bret starts to comment on that, but then Chris Jericho comes in. CJ steals a catchphrase from The Rock (“it doesn’t matter what you think!”), and that he demands to just be placed into the fatal four-way, also without a qualifier, because he’s earned it and always beats Edge in everything.

Edge and Jericho bicker, and Bret’s solution is to put Cena, Edge, and Jericho in a triple threat match tonight, with the winner qualifying for the main event. But, uh, Cena’s already in the main event, so what’s supposed to happen if he wins the damn thing? Well, if Cena loses, both Edge and Jericho are out, and Bret will find someone else to be in that spot.

Edge says that’s fine, that he’s a better man and a better Canadian than either of these guys. Edge leaves, giving CJ a chance to tell Bret that Bret better not make an enemy out of him, else he’ll make him regret taking the job. Bret says he’s looking forward to that… the Hit Man isn’t scared! Yay!

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: My Little French Fry & Alicia Fox defeat Eve Torres & Gail Kim by pin. Oh Gail, you make everything look so easy… Match was bland other than Gail’s always-silky moves, and ended when Alicia went behind the ref’s back and did a cheap shot to Eve. Maryse followed up with a French Tickler, and Gail didn’t bother trying to physically break the pin. Good for you: I wouldn’t help that poser either.

…Is “poser” the right insult for a chick? Or is “poser” a male-specific insult? Either way: Eve sucks.

Pre-Segment 6: It’s explained that even though Bret won the United States Title last week, because he’s the GM now, he had to vacate it. Okay, fair enough, that makes sense and is a good way to get the title off him without subjecting him to another match.

Miz hits the ring for his entrance, but wants to talk first. He demands he’s going to win the US Title, because he shouldn’t have ever lost it in the first place, and he’s going to walk out of here with it, because HE’S THE MIZ… AND HE’S… AWESOME!!!

Segment 6 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: R-Truth defeats Miz by pin, and is the NEW United States Champion! Meh. Match was all right but nothing special, smooth and watchable but not exciting. The match ended with the spinning crossbody, of course.

Segment 7: Josh Mathews interviews Cena in the back, who puts himself over, and hypes his win last night, and says that he was on cloud nine then was kicked by someone whiter than cloud nine. Heh. Cena then says that Sheamus did what he did because he was motivated by the title, which he then puts over.

He then puts the Intensity Dial to 11, goes nuts and says that he so totally is going to be making the challenges from now on, and is going to put down anyone who seems like a threat to his title, be it Orton, Edge, Jericho, or a human jar of mayo, so there. Whatever, dude.

Segment 8: Jon Lovitz hits the ring, accompanied by the Bella Twins of course. He gets in the ring, and we’re doing the talent show. About the only thing that was funny here was that Jillian was the second act, and she didn’t even get to do anything, as Jon buzzed her away instantly when she popped out of the back.

Stupidity ensues—trust me, you don’t want to know about it—and then Ted DiBiase and Virgil hit the ring. More stupidity, then Santino hits the ring he tells Ted to bail, or he’ll apply the jugular pinch to Virgil. Jon warns him off… but Santino does it anyway, and amazingly it works! So then Jon tells him to go ahead and use it on Ted, but Santino instantly forgets it, so Ted rather casually hits Santino with Dream Street, and leaves. Jon pimps himself one more time, and that’s it.

…And that’s also a good 15 minutes I’ll never get back. Ugh.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) defeat William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov by pin. Match was 30 seconds long, with Kozlov never getting into the action. Regal was pinned after eating a Hart Attack.

After the match, as THD celebrated in the ring, two black dudes (looking tall and lean with very long black braids) and a black chick jumped in the ring, then beat the shit out of THD. The announcers said nothing, asking who these people are, which is my question as well since I have no idea and never follow the minors. [Ed. Note: The two dudes are Rikishi's sons, and the girl is Jimmy Snuka's daughter, making them something like the 17th generation of Samoans to make it to WWE.]

Their punch line was to climb to the top rope on three different turnbuckles, then jump off with simultaneous frog splashes on all three… but one of the guys slipped and nearly fell off, drawing laughs and jeers from the crowd (and probably a soft “You fucked up!” chant somewhere in the arena). But they still went ahead and did it, and hit it almost perfectly with timing. Dunno who they are, maybe next week we’ll find out.

Segment 10: Josh Mathews is in the back, and interviews the NXT rookies, asking who should be eliminated. Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel agree that Heath Slater should be axed, Slater wants David Otunga to go, and Otunga wants Slater to go. They argue a bit, but nothing comes of it.

We cut to the announcers, who hype NXT, though Cole dodges the Daniel Bryan Incident from last week, though King brings it up and we see a video recap of it. King asks Cole what he’s going to do about it… Cole says that he’s had a rough week with physical trauma and psychological distress, and says he’s had meetings with his attorneys. He’s going to call out Daniel tomorrow on NXT, demand an apology, or sue him for everything he’s worth. King just laughs at him, as am I.

Segment 11: Jericho tries to pump up Edge a bit, saying that Cena is the weak link in the triple threat match, so they should beat the hell out of him, and then of course CJ will make the pin. Edge responds that CJ better be fast because he will so totally pin Cena… then changes his mind and will so totally pin CJ. Edge leaves, and CJ smirks.

Segment 12 [Triple Threat Match, winner if not Cena qualifies for Fatal Four-Way main event]: Edge defeats Chris Jericho by pin and outlasts John Cena. Match of the night, easily. It started a little slow, but things picked up after the commercial.

Some sweet spots in this one. By far the most creative was a crazy spot that started with Cena readying CJ in the FU. Cena tried to deliver the move but CJ landed wrong… I’m not sure whether CJ meant to wiggle out and just didn’t do right, or that he was supposed to take the move but Cena overthrew him, or what. Whatever the reason, CJ landed awkwardly on this legs, and tweaked his left knee, so he crawled over to the corner and sat there for a moment. Edge was in the opposite corner, then went for the Spear on Cena, but Cena dodged, so Edge Speared CJ, who powdered out.

That wasn’t the creative part though: that came next. Cena did a drop toe hold on Edge, then slapped on the SSTF. Edge resisted, almost tapped a couple times, but held on. CJ recovered, came back in the ring, and tried to pull Cena off… but Cena held on, had the SSTF locked in too tight. So Jericho said fuck it, sat on Cena’s back, and pulled up his legs. This resulted in Cena holding the SSTF on Edge while simultaneously suffering a modified Walls of Jericho, which was all kinds of crazy. Edge finally wiggled out—Cena was taking too much damage to maintain control—and went for CJ, but CJ saw it coming, let Cena go, and slapped the Walls on Edge instead.

Cena broke that up, and after a bit more battling, Cena readied another FU on Jericho (picking him up with a dead lift, a move that hurt my back just looking at it), only to eat a jumping Spear, sending all three guys down to the mat and entering the end game.

After some more battling, Edge took Cena and Irish Whipped him from a corner, right into CJ’s waiting arms with a Codebreaker. As CJ got up from that, Edge followed up with another Spear, and made the pin. Awesome… Edge called it, and even pulled up some cheers from it.

After the match, Sheamus popped out of the back. A three-way staredown occurred… but then Bill Gramatica entered the arena after all, looking relatively healthy, and joined in for a four-way stare down that was clearly more exciting on paper than it was in reality.

Final Thoughts: As usual: the good was really good, and the bad was really bad. Lovitz was an awful waste of time, R-Truth winning the US Title doesn’t mean a thing to anyone, and the divas match was the usual afterthought. But, the main event was awesome, the opening was decent, and Bret getting an assured weekly appearance makes me tingle in naughty places, which tells me that I really need to talk to my therapist. The jury is out on our Mystery Black Men and Woman, until we know who they are, what they’re capable of, and whether they can hit spots without falling off ropes.

Clearly, Orton may not be 100%, but he can’t be too hurt if he’s out there without a cast or support or anything and is booked to be in the next PPV. I checked WWE.com even, and they’re calling his injury a separated shoulder, clearly meaning that he’s not out for longer than a couple weeks at best. Oh well… this marks the second week in a row where he’s in a main event promo and not speaking, so WWE is clearly playing up to his strengths.

Speaking of Orton, next week’s guest host is Aston Kutcher, meaning Orton will actually have competition as biggest tool in the WWE shed. So I guess the guest hosts aren’t stopping just because there’s a new GM on RAW? That’s good, I suppose, provided WWE actually uses them to wrestling potential instead of wasting 20 minutes per week… which, thinking about it, leads me to believe this is going to continue to fail miserably.

Rating (out of 5): 3.0