Well, THAT class is over, thankfully. I’ve still got three more business classes to get through before moving onto my electives, which I’m stoked about even if one of them seems like a bit of a softball. Still… what’s next here… Project Planning and Implementation! Doesn’t that just sound awesome? And EXCITING???

…No, huh? Well, it doesn’t to me either.

What really bothers me is that a class like that seems necessary to the general public. The average people on the street seem to think that throwing money at a problem is the best way to solve it. I mean, it’s true you have to spend money to make money, but constantly living above your means (or operating above your revenue) is going to send you to a bankruptcy hearing sooner rather than later. Perhaps I’m just too conservative with my money, but then, I also make $14k/year at Wal-Mart, which means if I’m not conservative, I’ll be broke pretty damn fast.

Sigh. I really need a new job. There has to be a way to live without being paycheck-to-paycheck, isn’t there?

Segment 1: Batista comes out to start the show for us tonight. He starts off by whining that he’s now #1 contender for the WWE Championship, but that he should be the champion in the first place. Apparently, he’s still unhappy about losing cleanly to duct tape, so he speaks Randy Orton-speed (one word every four seconds) as he goes over the rules of a Last Man Standing match, and insists he didn’t lose, because he wasn’t specifically beaten down to be unable to answer the count.

We see a video recap of it, and Bats says that this is very embarrassing… for John Cena, not for him. Bats says that Cena’s actions was very Hornswoggle-like (ouch!). And to further continue the stupidity, we’re doing a Beat the Clock Challenge tonight to see who gets to pick the stipulation for the rematch. Bats is confidence because his opponent is Miz, so I’m not exactly sure what Bats is upset about at this moment.

Before Miz comes down though, Sheamus hits the ring. Sheamus says that Bats is the embarrassing one, since he lost. Bats again protests he didn’t lose, but Sheamus isn’t buying it; besides, Sheamus goes on, he won his match, taking out Triple H, something Bats never could do. Sheamus thinks that maybe, in fact, that’s why he doesn’t get a title shot at the next PPV: because he took out “the son-in-law,” or maybe just because Cena’s a pussy. So he wants a title shot, and challenges Bats tonight for a #1 contender’s match.

Bats says no to that, because Sheamus had his shot at being #1 contender last week. Sheamus professes he was never beaten; Bats counters he lost, so shut up. Sheamus is now too angry to speak, and Bats dismisses him… but Sheamus doesn’t budge. At first. They stare each other down, but Sheamus finally backs off, with the parting comment that he will be involved in the title hunt, even if it’s not tonight.

Pre-Segment 2: After the commercial, Miz hits the ring… but he’s not dressed to compete. He carries a paper, but he doesn’t get to that yet. First, he has to tell us that while he’d love to beat the shit out of Bats since they’re so totally on the same level… but he’s got a doctor’s note that he can’t. And he holds up an envelope that just has “DOCTOR’S NOTE” written on it. Ha!

Anyway, Miz says, don’t worry, he’s found a replacement. Bats’s Beat-the-Clock opponent: Daniel Bryan! DB makes his entrance, and Miz tells him to actually put up a fight not go down in a mere 30 seconds. DB snatches the mic and says he’s sick of the disrespect… so not only he not going to lose to Bats, he’s going to make Bats tap out! Bats laughs, Miz rolls his eyes, and it’s on.

Segment 2 [Singles Match, BTC Rules]: Batista defeats Daniel Bryan (w/ Miz) by pin in 5:06. Decent match, with Bryan busting out a dozen different submissions. The near-finish was when he managed to lock in a rather extreme Crossface, but Bats got to the ropes. From there, Bryan stomped the shit out of Bats and celebrated… giving Bats enough time to recover, hop up, then Spear DB. Throw a Batista Bomb on top of it, and we’re done.

…Well, not quite. After the match, Bats gave Bryan two more Batista Bombs for good measure. Welcome to WWE, Daniel Bryan!

Segment 3: Eve is in the back, getting her picture taken with the Divas Title. Wayne Brady comes in, they share a hug, and WB says that Eve is his favorite diva. So sad.

Jillian then arrives and offers to sing WB’s theme song. WB is an idiot and goes ahead and accepts, so Jillian sings, badly as usual. WB dances with her, until she dances out the door, which Brady then… uh… slides a curtain over to cover. This has the magical ability of stopping Jillian from reentering the room.

WB thanks Eve for her time, whatever they did together, and then leaves. Eve is ready to get her picture taken some more, but can’t seem to find her title belt. That’s because Maryse, who is off-camera to stage left, stole it. We know this because she comes flying in, smashes Eve in the face, then poses for the camera. Go Maryse! Screw Eve!

Segment 4: Edge is WALKING~! with a stagehand, planning for The Cutting Edge tonight, with the Trouser Snake as the guest. Edge wants to clips of “the best parts of my celebration after winning the title, the best parts that made people’s jaws drop!” Referring to Lita bearing her left boob on UK television (and US television for about four frames), of course. The stagehand says he doesn’t think they can use that footage. Okay, that’s a little droll if you get the reference.

Edge says, okay, let’s just use some footage of TLC matches where he’s driven people through tables and shortened careers. The stagehand doesn’t think they can use that either. So, is this supposed to be a not-so-inside joke about WWE going all G-rated?

Josh Mathews then arrives and asks what Edge has specifically planned. Edge says that no one is going to tell him no, that we need to have some controversy on WWE again, and we’ll all see what Orton has to say about that. Okay, buddy, I’m with you.

Pre-Segment 5: Here’s Ted DiBiase for a match, but he’s going to talk first. He’s continuing his Virgil search, and can’t understand why Truth refused. Ted says that Truth is from the streets and can’t do anything with his life, so he shouldn’t refuse his high-priced offer. After all, Truth sucks as a rapper and only has one song, so he can’t fall back on a singing career. He’s going to get his very own Virgil, and the first thing he’s going to have him do is beatdown R-Truth, and THAT’S what’s up!

…But first, a match.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: John Morrison squashes Ted DiBiase by countout. Okay, I’m breaking the no-recapping squashes rule for once. JM beat the fuck out of Ted, sending Ted out of the ring. JM then did a jumping springboard senton, though he jumped a little too high and not quite far enough, causing a slight oversell by Ted and probably a rough landing by JM. It worked out though: JM dove in the ring, and Ted decided he had enough of this shit, and left.

JM grabbed a mic though, and said this shit isn’t how the Monday Night Delight is gonna debut, so get your ass back here. Ted says no. So John ups the stakes and says that if the match restarts, and he loses, he’ll “become Ted’s Virgil.” Clearly, JM reads OO. (Psst! JM! Tell My Melina to e-mail me! She still hasn’t sent her e-mail address or phone number!)

…But first, a commercial.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats Ted DiBiase by pin. Decent match but nothing special until the end (qualified, as always, that JM’s “nothing special” is still better than 50% of the roster’s average abilities). Ted had JM setup for Dream Street, but JM resisted, then did a Trish Stratus-like climbing of the ropes and a backflip to turn it into a pinning situation.

After the match, Ted assaulted JM. Truth made the save to a decent pop. Nothing more happened, but this is a good setup for sustainable episodic television.

Pre-Segment 7: Time for the second Beat the Clock match. Cena hits the ring first, then Jericho… comes out in a suit. He says that while he’d love to beat the shit out of Cena, we all know he’d win, so he’s going to give the shot to someone who’s been begging to put Cena in his place. It’s NXT rookie Wade Barrett! Guess what Miz can do, Jericho can do better?

Wade, in his only line of dialogue, actually is fairly decent. Jericho says Cena won’t beat the clock. Wade adds, “You’re not going to beat me, period.” It was delivered somewhat casually, relaxed, and confident… which is just what lines like that need. Yep, Barrett is definitely my #1 rookie. I sure as hell hope he wins.

…Wins the NXT contest that is. Obviously he’s not going to win the match.

Segment 7 [Singles Match, BTC rules, 5:06 time to beat]: John Cena defeats Wade Barrett (w/ Chris Jericho) by submission in under 5:06. I’d give you the exact time, but I’m too fucking lazy to do math. Decent match but nothing special, typical Cena where he got his ass kicked for five minutes, then busted out the SSTF from basically nowhere.

Post-Segment 7: Cena gets his title belt returned, then picks up the mic. He says that he’s not going to waste time: and the stipulation for the title match will be—

Sheamus! Who comes out of nowhere and sucker-punches Cena, hits him with the Big Blarney Boot (by which I mean the bicycle kick), and then leaves. And we didn’t to hear the announcement! So sad!!!

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Maryse defeats Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) by pin. Match was too short to be anything. Ended on the French Kiss.

Post-Segment 8: Maryse grabs a mic and speaks French for a moment, then (in English) presents her pictorial: “Sexy Maryse, the Sexiest of Sexy!” …Which is a slide show of her posing over Eve’s corpse in the back after knocking her out. Maryse says she never saw Eve looking so good… then poses with the hair flip and wink for me. …I mean, for us. …No I don’t, I mean, for me.

And then Eve comes down to respond with violence, but then jobs cleanly to the bottom rope. Seriously. Once she does manage to get in the ring, the ref is there to oversell trying to hold her back, and Maryse just laughs and leaves. I would too, my little French Fry.

Pre-Segment 9: Zack Ryder is here to cut a promo, with Gail Kim and Alicia Fox sitting by ringside. Zack says he’s single now (since Rosa Mendes changed shows), then calls out Primo by saying: “Don’t make me be like one of those governors from Arizona and ask to check your papers.” There’s about six things wrong with that sentence, and the dead crowd didn’t help matters. How the fuck does Shelton Benjamin get fired and this dipshit still have a job?

Anyway, Wayne Brady appears on the Titantron (geez, forgot he was even here tonight), and says that rather than Primo, he’s got a different opponent for Zack. And it’s Mark Henry. Ugh.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry defeats Zack Ryder by pin. Match was gay as hell, and I’m refusing to recap it. Call it making up for my early squash recap.

After the match, Gail shook her head sadly. This is because she realizes she wants to be sitting beside me watching me type up my kick ass recaps— Hey wait, Gail and Alicia are leaving with him arm-in-arm! Shit… maybe Mark is going to screw Alicia and have a matching hand-child. And yes, I said “Alicia,” because I just don’t want to picture Mark going after my #2 diva Gail Kim, and—

OH GOD I JUST GOT A MENTAL PICTURE! HELP ME!!!

Segment 10: Ah, thank you, camera cutaway. Jericho is in the back, talking to Miz, and they together trash-talk the Big Show. And immediately, I just had a thought… Miz and Jericho? Together? As a team? Holy fuck, that would be pretty awesome!

Jericho says that he and Miz separately carried Big Show for 16 months. Miz laments that they can’t do anything about Show, he being on SD and all. Jericho has a thought, then walks down the hall with Miz, as he’s going to hatch a scheme to get even after all. Hmm…

Segment 11: Vladimir Kozlov is in the back, speaking to Wayne Brady. Vlad is happy that WB isn’t MacGruber, and WB starts to stumble over his response since he’s scared, but then Santino comes in with a face afro. Santino, see, is part of his Wayne’s “Brady Bunch.” Not funny, but thanks for trying. So Santino wants to be a contestant on Wayne’s game show, which he calls “Let’s Consummate a Deal!” I’d like to be on that show with the probably future Mrs. Falkon, but after my earlier Melina comment, I’ve been assured that’s not going to happen.

Anyway, things go downhill from there. Santino wants a tag match with Vlad, but then William Regal appears and convinces Vlad to leave with him. Santino says that he was one of the seven viewers of ECW and knows they argued (WWE self-burn?), but Regal assures him they made up their differences. Besides, why does Vlad get a match when Santino doesn’t? WB answers: “Because he was here first.” Quality additions to the dialogue there, buddy.

So then Vlad and Regal leave. Santino then leaves after trying to say “Regal Regal Regal!” similar to the famous “Marsha Marsha Marsha!,” but it’s a flop too. Also flopping: Goldust appearing with a dress. Wayne asks if he’s Alice. Goldust responds, verbatim: “Who’s Alice? I’m Goldust, bitch!” and leaves.

Ugh. I like Wayne Brady and all, but he’s not contributing a damn thing here, and the writers aren’t helping him at all.

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) defeat William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov by submission. Decent match but pure formula. Tyson Kidd was Face In Peril, DH Smith went House of Fire, slapped the Sharpshooter on Regal, and that was it. Miz and Jericho were on commentary and did, of course, a damn good job.

After the match, Miz and Jericho hit the ring and beat the shit out of DH Smith. Though he initially defended against Miz, Jericho hit him with the Codebreaker, followed by Miz hitting him with the Skull-Crushing Finale. Awesome… but boo!

Segment 13: Time for our main event promo. Edge hits the ring first, almost entirely to cheers, then rhetorically asks if we want to know why he beat down Orton last week. Well, he’s not gonna tell us! And everyone boos! “Naw, just kidding, I’ll tell you. I just like fucking with you idiots.” Silence, because they’re not sure whether to cheer or boo. Heh.

Anyway, Edge takes us back that he was preparing for Jack Swagger since Swagger cashed in his Money in the Bank title… but then last week he gets drafted to RAW, and all that preparation was out the window. Bah, he says! So he decided to start over his preparations, and needed to make a statement. Sure, he kicked Orton’s ass, but at least he was the most talked about star on any brand!

But Edge is getting ahead of himself, so let’s bring out Orton!

And here comes Wayne Brady. Edge hugs him, says Orton can wait, and asks what WB is out here for. WB responds that he is out here just to see Edge “do his thing,” because he grew up with wrestling. So he’s here because wants to feel what it’s like to walk in Edge’s shoes for a bit. Edge says, go for it!

So WB faces the camera and basically cuts a promo against all the previous guest hosts, calling them out. “Yes, even you Bob Barker! Because I’m Bob Darker!” …Okay, not as funny in text, but pretty fucking hilarious with the delivery.

Edge is impressed and encourages WB to do that to the main (hard) camera rather than the camera guy. So WB starts to, but Orton’s music fires up, and everyone’s (least) favorite Trouser Snake hits the ring. He does a Staredown of Intense Rivalry with Edge for a bit, so Brady wants to break the tension by shaking his hand… and eats an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! To boos!

Edge gets on his bike and backpedals, begging off and saying that Orton doesn’t want to fight him. See, Orton would have done the same thing as he did, and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. And besides, right now, they can team up now! Because Cena and Bats will “beat the Pope out of each other” and then they can come in and pick the bones. Who can stop us?

Orton doesn’t speak, so Edge takes that as a denial. Edge is now pissed, is now retroactively glad he Speared Orton, because he did “everything the right way,” by coming back, playing to the crowd, inventing a catchphrase, but the people were not ultimately behind him. Yet here’s Orton, who is a man only out for himself, and yet the people support him… and he gooses the crowd to chant “RKO! RKO!.”

Edge goes on that nothing is fair, the fact he’s not the champ, the fact he’s on RAW, it’s all unfair to him. So Orton will join Edge, because if he doesn’t, Edge will Spear him every week “until you’re an afterthought on this show.” Edge asks thrice if Orton is listening…

But then Orton goes for an RKO. Edge expects it, blocks it, then hits a big boot, backs up, and readies a real Spear. Orton takes forever to stand up, then finally turns around and counters the Spear with an RKO. Well-timed, I’ll give him that. Orton then stands over Edge’s corpse, his music plays, and we’re done.

Final Thoughts: It takes a special kind of idiot to be in a main event promo and not speak. At least that’s playing to his strengths, you know? WWE wants us to believe that it was so totally intense, but if you’re a fan of Online Onslaught, you know what that was really all about.

So, Orton vs. Edge, huh? There have been worse feuds. And if Edge keeps speaking for the both of them, at least we can pretend it’s interesting until we actually see a match. Jericho/Miz teaming up is also all kinds of awesome, and I look forward to more fun from them on that.

Other than that, nothing really tickled my fancy tonight. The matches were all right for the most part, but still nothing was really noteworthy. Still, this is technically sustainable episodic television (albeit rather mediocre quality), and hopefully will be the start of an upward swing in WWE TV quality. I can hope, anyway…

Rating (out of 5): 2.25