Ooo, speaking of money… anyone else part of the Fifth-Third Bank issue with getting your personal information stolen? I got a letter a month ago saying that 5/3 Bank has a security breech, and they were going to give everyone new bank cards with new numbers, then deactivate all current cards on April 20. Well, my card never arrived, I forgot about the letter entirely, and now? I can’t buy a goddamn thing until it all gets straightened out.

Well, I still can, just not online. And I have to use these… weird… green slips of paper with numbers and dead politicians on them. And get this: you don’t even slide the paper through an electronic slot at the store! You actually GIVE THEM TO THE CASHIER! It’s 1993 all over again! Next thing you know, I’ll be kicking back, drinking Crystal Pepsi, playing my SNES with its cutting-edge 16-bit technology, and waiting for the premier episode of WWF Monday Night RAW, which is starting… now!

Pre-Segment 1: We’re starting off with ShoMiz defending their titles against Hart Dynasty… but first, Miz wants to talk. He recaps the tag situation (and I don’t recap recaps of stuff Rick has already recapped), then rips on Stu Hart and says that his training couldn’t possibly prepare THD for facing Big Show or a technical machine like Miz himself.

And Miz goes on that Bret is the biggest loser ever, and needs to come down right now that ShoMiz is the best tag team ever in the history of historic historical history.

Bret comes out presently and stands on the stage. He is a man of his word: “ShoMiz is indeed the greatest tag team of all time!” But he can say anything he wants: “The Mountie was the best Intercontinental Champion of all time! And David Arquette was the greatest WCW champion of all time!” BURN!!!

“I can say anything I want… what matters is the truth.” And Bret is sure the truth will see new tag champions!

Segment 1 [Tag Team Match for the Unified WWE Tag Team Titles]: The Hart Dynasty (w/ Bret Hart & Natalya) defeat ShoMiz by submission, and are the NEW WWE Unified Tag Champions! I’ve really come around to Miz. Among his other pros, he’s great at working the crowd: he basically had Show do 99% of the work, then get in the ring and prance like a douche just to piss everyone off. Beautiful.

Also beautiful: the match itself. It was pure formula, but a really fun pure formula, with some real nice spots. The endgame saw Tyson Kidd with the hot tag, though DH Smith couldn’t quite finish Miz. Miz, in fact, pinned DHS near the ropes and put his own feet on the ropes… but Bret was there to knock Miz’s feet away, saving DHS and giving Matt Striker an aneurysm on commentary.

Meanwhile, Show went over to smack Bret, but Kidd did a running senton from nowhere from the apron to Show’s face. Meanwhile, DHS did a quick roll up of Miz, which you know always ends in a pin.

…But not this time! Miz kicked out, but DHS tagged out and they hit the two-man Springboard Hart Attack. Kidd wasn’t done, so he posed, slapped on the Sharpshooter to a huge pop, and Miz… well, Miz, again showing he’s smarter than most of the roster, does NOT immediately tap. I hate it when wrestlers get put in Cena’s STF and tap in under a half-second, for example. Miz fought it for a few seconds, but couldn’t get to the ropes, and had to tap. New champs! Happy crowd! Not even 30 minutes into the night! WOO HOO!!!

Post-Segment 1: After the commercial, we see a “during the commercial” where Show was so pissed at everything, he hit Miz with a Knockout Punch. Poor Miz.

Segment 2: Josh Mathews interviews Jack Swagger in the back, who hypes up his win and doesn’t bother mentioning the post-match beatdown. Oh, and Jack is so totally smart, with a college GPA of 4.0.

Josh wants to ask another question but Edge arrives. Edge reminds us he beat Chris Jericho last night, so he’s next in line for a title shot. Oh, and: 4.0 may be Jack’s GPA, but it’s also the number of days Jack has left to hold that title. Nice, albeit forced.

Segment 3 [Tag Match for a draft pick]: Michelle McCool & Layla (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeat Maryse & Eve by pin. Match was all right, I guess. Mickie sadly is showing even more ribs, though Eve showed that she has been working on her in-ring skills, but… well, was it really worth the BS Mickie had to go through?

Anyway, the story here was that Eve did all the work, mostly because she and Maryse couldn’t get along. At one point, Maryse and Eve started beating on each other outside the ring and nearly got counted out, but Eve managed to crawl into the ring soon enough.

She did get on a tear, but then at the end, Maryse tagged herself in. This set up the inevitable, obvious ending: Maryse turned her back and argued with Eve for no good reason, then turned around and ate an axe kick from Michelle. Eve didn’t bother trying to break the pin even though it was in her corner.

Draft Pick: Kelly Kelly goes to SmackDown. Despite Striker playing this like it’s the greatest pick in the universe, conventional wisdom says that no one should give a damn.

Segment 4 [Singles Match for a draft pick]: CM Punk (w/ Straightedge Society) defeats Evan Bourne by pin. Decent match with a dirty finish, nothing special.

One fun spot halfway through saw Punk outside the ring. Mr. Mediocrity came to comfort him. Evan hit the ropes and wanted to do some sort of suicide move, but Serena appeared near the apron, so he held short. Then, upon reflection, Evan said “fuck it,” and did a springboard body splash anyway, going over Serena and into the heels.

It still was naught to be, though. Evan tossed Punk in and went to the top rope for the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press, but Mystery Hooded Man appeared and shoved him off the ropes. The ref didn’t see this, but he did see the follow-up Go To Sleep, and Evan was pinned.

Draft Pick: Big Show goes to SmackDown. Interesting… Punk doesn’t look happy.

Segment 5: After the commercial, Show runs into Teddy Long in the back, who is all smiles that he’s got him on his show. He wants a handshake, but Show just looks pissed. T-Long asks if there’s anything he can do to help him… Show looks pissed for a bit, but then Show just hugs him and goes, “Naw, I’m good.” Show walks away, and T-Long begins to dance like a black guy dancing like a white guy dancing like a black guy. Think Carlton from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

Segment 6: Sheamus hits the ring to talk. Sheamus says that the good news here is that Triple H won’t be drafted to SD… the bad news is that he won’t wrestle ever again, since Sheamus has now ended his career. That’s because Trips underestimated him, and because Sheamus willed it so that Trips would leave his career.

So now, Sheamus has fulfilled his goal of eliminating Trips. Now he’s got a new goal, to win the WWE Championship, so John Cena needs to

I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! …Goddamnit.

Here comes everyone’s favorite trouser snake, taking half an hour to get the ring, mic in hand. Orton says that he totally despised Trips, did terrible things to his family, but when it came to fight, he fought him man-to-man. So wait, Orton admits to beating up girls and 64-year-old fathers-in-law, but then that’s supposed to be justified by the fact the beat up Trips in a ring? And he’s a FUCKING BABYFACE? Goddamn you, WWE.

Anyway, Orton’s point is that, good job for retiring Trips, but that doesn’t let you deserve a title shot. Sheamus counters that Orton is hardly in no position to say something like that, after losing his title match. So run along before I end your career too. Orton says they need to fight; Sheamus says that he doesn’t waste his time fighting losers. Ouch.

Here comes Cena to give us his view on the situation. He realizes we have a bit of a sticky wicket here, so of course we need to get our guest host out here to resolve it! …But there is no guest host, so Cena goes on an over-acting bit, grabbing a cell phone from his pants and making a faux call to find out where the guest host is, using the phrase “bologna fudgin’ mustard” as a curse, and then calling Sheamus “a jar of mayonnaise with eyes and a ketchup haircut.” Nice.

Sheamus isn’t amused, and demands a solution. Cena turns serious and reports that he has the authority to name a #1 contender, so he says that we’re going to see a Sheamus vs. Orton match tonight to figure out who it’s going to be. We went that far for just that solution? Oh well, Cena was actually fairly entertaining for once, so I’ll give a pass to the illogical nature of the whole thing.

Anyway, Sheamus is pissed, so he turns and goes for a bicycle kick. Orton ducks it and goes for an RKO. Sheamus pushes him away then bails as Orton humps the ring. Lawler promises that this matchup will be all sorts of awesome, and I die a little.

Segment 7 [10-Man Battle Royal for 3 draft picks]: Team RAW defeat Team SmackDown by elimination. Not exactly a match that can lend itself well to retelling. Plenty of teases, especially at the end, with Ted DiBiase and Rey teasing eliminations on each other about six billion times. Ted got the upper hand, or maybe upper foot, big booting Rey off the apron.

Draft Picks: John Morrison, R-Truth, and Edge all come to RAW. Crowd goes ballistic.

Pre-Segment 8: Jericho is out here, looking very worn out. He whines and cries about Edge beating the hell out of him last night, so he wants someone to fine and suspend Edge, no matter which show he’s on. Further, he puts just a little blame on himself, as he was off his game for losing to “a no-name no-face NXT rookie,” aka Heath Slater. He’s still the best in the world at what he does, and he’ll never lose to anyone without talent again.

For that matter, CJ demands that Slater owes him an apology for costing him his match against Edge, which of course makes no sense, but what the hell. CJ calls Heath out, who does pop out presently and makes his way to the ring. Slater says he will apologize: I’m sorry you lost to me, I’m sorry you lost to Edge, and oh, I’m sorry you’re going to lose to Christian.

Jericho isn’t happy, but Christian’s music fires up. As Christian gets to the ring, Slater chucks CJ out of the ring. CJ hopped back in but Slater bailed, and CJ continues to jaw at him even as the match starts.

Segment 8 [Singles Match for a draft pick]: Chris Jericho defeats Christian (w/ Heath Slater) by pin. Damn fine match, but no major high spots, other than one more of Jericho’s midair Codebreakers as Christian came off the top rope. Plenty of sick triple-reversey stuff though, almost a free-per-view match.

After the match, Heath Slater came in the ring to tend to Jericho, but ate a Codebreaker for his trouble. Good night, Gracie.

Draft Pick: Kofi Kingston goes to SmackDown. But instead of just standing on the stage after popping out, he hauls ass to the ring. CJ is confused for a moment, then goes for a clothesline… Kofi ducks it, and answers with the Trouble in Paradise.

Wow, now that’s a message. CJ and Kofi playing with each other? I’m down for that!

Segment 9 [Singles Match for a draft pick]: Jack Swagger defeats John Morrison by pin. Match was good, but not as good as last week’s. Of course, one thing that bothered the hell out of me was that no one bothered to even mention this was a rematch from a few days ago.

Anyway, the story was an even match until JM was in the corner, and ate a Spear, which he sold like a rib-stabbing. From then on, it was rib-targeted offense by Jack. Good triple-reversey stuff at the end (though Referee McDoucher got a little overanxious and was counting pinfalls for basically no reason when there was the barest of touches between the two guys). JM did his stiff-as-fuck running knee, then went for Starship Pain… but Jack was up to his feet too quick, shoved JM on the ropes, then Swagger Bombed him into next week. Thanks for playing, Johnny!

Draft Pick: Christian goes to SmackDown. If this means he’s going to actually, you know, get some face time, I’m all for it.

Segment 10: Ted DiBiase and Carlito are talking in the back. We come into things in the middle of the conversation, with Carlito saying, “No, why would I do that?” Ted responds, “Because if you take my offer, you won’t sit on the sidelines anymore.” Carlito tells him to fuck off.

Ted isn’t to be deterred, so he finds R-Truth and makes the same offer: he wants a personal assistant! Truth: “Oh, you want a Virgil?” Ted says that’s totally not want he wants… but he does want someone to follow him around and do everything he says in exchange for a lot of money. Oh Ted, you want a Virgil that’s not a Virgil? Guess money doesn’t buy brains, does it buddy?

Truth meanwhile has to consider that since he wants the money, money, yeah yeah… oh wait, wrong black dude. So Truth says, let me think about that, then slaps the taste out of Ted’s mouth. Ha!

Segment 11 [Singles Match for a draft pick]: Hornswoggle defeats Dolph Ziggler by countout. Horny bailed from the ring immediately, then Dolph threw him in at about the 6-count. Horny then threw his shoe at Dolph as he tried to get back in the ring… which, by my thinking, should be a DQ. Anyway, Dolph is stunned from this, as well as the other shoe and his stupid little toy army helmet he wears to the ring.

After the match, Dolph kicks his ass and slaps on the Sleeper, because nothing says “badass” by beating up two guys without ring training and a midget.

Draft Pick: Chris Jericho goes to RAW. Okay, so I guess Kofi doesn’t get to play with Jericho… but Edge still can, and there are far worse things in the world than CJ on RAW. The guy just can’t get away from the show, and the winner is us!

Pre-Segment 12: We’re ready for our main event, and the ring announcer is about to make his intro into things, but Batista’s music interrupts things. Bats hits the ring, dressed to compete, steals the mic from the announcer, then goes on a tirade that he should be the #1 contender. He bemoans that he jobbed cleanly to duct tape, and that Cena is owed a match.

Sheamus comes out to the ring to respond. Sheamus says that Bats and Orton are just a bunch of losers, so when are they going to realize that he is the one who deserves it most?

Here comes Orton, who looks around like he’s never seen an arena before, and gets in the ring to contribute. Orton says he’ll beat Sheamus first, then he’ll beat Bats tonight, because he’s awesome. Sheamus argues back, again, that they’re both losers. If you don’t know where this is going, you really need to watch wrestling more. Or less. Or something.

Here comes Cena to confirm it, and we’re on.

Segment 12 [No-DQ/No Countout Triple Threat Match, winner is #1 contender for the WWE Championship]: Batista defeats Randy Orton by pin and outlasts Sheamus. Match was boring as hell for the first 95% of it. Orton is the only man I know who can actually slow down the pace of a triple threat match… amazing.

The rest of the match may have been shit, but things got exciting toward the end. The endgame was signaled to start when Sheamus went for the running crucifix powerbomb (which I refuse to call “Pale Justice”), but as he held Orton up for it, Bats came out of nowhere with a Spear. Bats went for the pin, but Sheamus kicked out.

Then, Bats picked up Sheamus for the Batista Bomb, but Orton appeared and hit Bats with his signature backbreaker. As Bats stood from that, he ate Sheamus’s bicycle kick. Sheamus then ran at Orton, but Orton did a clean powerslam, followed by his porn shower and ring humping taunts. He hit an RKO cleanly on Sheamus…

But then Edge comes out of nowhere and hits his own Spear on Orton… to a decidedly mixed reaction. As Edge backs away, Bats rolls over and just puts a hand on Orton’s chest, but Orton is done, so that’s all it takes.

After replays, Edge and Orton eye each other from up and down the ramp. Guess that’s a new feud starting? Who’s the face and heel in that one? Who’s supposed to be the face and heel in that one?

Final Thoughts: I’ve given enough commentary in the recap… maybe I should drop this “Final Thoughts” section from now on?

The draft adds up some interesting possibilities, while others are completely irrelevant to WWE. We won’t see the true depth of the draft until next week, after the supplemental and once we see exactly what storylines are being set up. Decent episode though.

Draft Summary:

To RAW: Chris Jericho, Edge, John Morrison, R-Truth

To SmackDown: Big Show, Christian, Kelly Kelly, Kofi Kingston

Rating (out of 5): 2.75