I’m also looking forward to the Monday Night Wars starting, though, like Rick, I’m having a DVR quandary: I already record 24 and RAW, so I can’t do TNA at the same time. However, that will more than likely stop being a problem soon, because unlike Rick, I’ve come to absolutely despise 24. See, for this season, I’ve realized three things…

1. I'm getting really bored, really fast. While I have interest in what Jack is doing and Renee's condition, pretty much everything else is annoying the shit out of me. What doesn’t help is that 90% of all dialogue is in hushed, hurried whispers that I can barely hear even with the volume turned up. If it wasn't for closed captioning, I wouldn't know what the hell is being said.

By the way, if hushed whispers are 90% of the dialogue, then 5% is Jack screaming at someone to put his weapon down or get on his knees (or both), and the remaining 5% is someone in CTU explaining why the best idea possible to stop the threat can't be done right now. ("I don't care if you've got the killer on the traffic cam, Chloe! I need to check my e-mail RIGHT NOW because I need to make my dick bigger and I know there are e-mails that say I can! Stop scowling at me like that! Your scowls are taking up half the CTU budget!")

2. Dana/Jenny is by far the most annoying, worthless, and counterproductive character in the history of not just 24, but all of television. Kim might be an idiot but she's frequently just putting HERSELF at risk; Dana's actions are leading to the possible proliferation of nuclear weapons. And she's supposed to be the all-star, one of the brightest in CTU? No wonder terrorists seem to have no problem infiltrating the place: everyone is so busy worrying about their own domestic disputes and personal demons that no one would notice a terrorist walk through the door. Besides, if they talk to the security guys in hushed, hurried whispers, everyone will think they fit right in.

3. Speaking of idiots, did you see the huge amount of security in the UN building at the end of the attempted assassination episode? That's a trick question: no, you didn't, because THERE WASN'T ANY. Let me get this straight: four hours ago there was an attempted assassination of the President of some Islamic country (did they ever say what country he represents? Is it Iran?), including his family. So the UN's and US's responses are to... do nothing.

Okay, sure, there is no security in the treaty chamber, since it's a private session. However, do you remember the end clip where the President's daughter is lured out of her room, and the President's private security guy gives himself up and follows the other security guys away? Okay, they do a sweeping shot of the UN hallway... WHICH IS COMPLETELY EMPTY. So like I said, this one girl is a possible victim of an assassination plot—by her uncle, no less—and there isn't a SINGLE security guard or even a rent-a-cop stationed in the hallway overlooking the girl's bedroom. So I could march into the UN—just got to talk in rushed whispers—head over to her room, knock on her door, shoot her in the face or kidnap her, then leave through the front door again and no one would be around to hear or see what happened or to stop me? Maybe I can pull all this off because CTU is too busy helping a dyslexic violent domestic asshole possible rapist and his idiot squirt gun-obsessed messy friend break into the police lockup that's only patrolled by a single guard.
 
[Ed. Note: So yeah, I'll retort that in my own lengthy pre-ramble at some point in the next 3 months. Short version: "24" ain't any dumber than it was 5 years ago by any objective metric. And once I sells me self out to something, I am a loyal sumbitch, cuz I vetted it hard before I got invested and won't flake out on something that won me over. I am called many names, but "flake" has never been one of them. And also: "24" has been lots better again the past 2 weeks since Freddie Prinze Jr. and whats-her-name-from-Battlestar-Galactica killed that tool.]

So, yeah, I’m a little bitter at the stupidity of the show. Once this season is over with, I’m going to wash my hands of the show and move on to other things. I think even TNA will be a better alternative no matter what the average age of the main eventers are… not that tonight on WWE is going to be any better.

Segment 1: And we’re opening our show with the lights going out and the gong sounding. Goddamn, even after all these years, hearing it gives me a little chill. I still want to see an Undertaker entrance in person before I die (or more likely, before he retires).

The Dead Man comes out presently, Taker cuts a generic but entertaining promo to recap the Shawn Michaels/Taker storyline. The crowd, though they cheer in the right spots for Taker, also busts out an “HBK! HBK!” chant. Clearly, like all right-thinking fans, they’re just digging the awesomeness of this story more than either wrestler himself.

The crowd boos as Taker says Shawn’s career will rest… in… But then Shawn comes down to a huge fucking pop, and gets in the ring with a fairly gay vest on. Shawn declares that Taker doesn’t have the right to finish his catchphrase tonight, then goes on with his own side of the building feud.

Shawn brings us to the point that Taker interrupting his match last week proves that Taker, finally, has fear. This means Shawn is the 40th person to use the “Taker is finally afraid of me!” story device… but unlike most of them, Shawn has the credibility to get away with it. He declares that the only reason Taker demanded he put his career on the line is because of the intimidation factor. Shawn wouldn’t have agreed with that if he didn’t know he would win this time.

Taker isn’t sure these words are confidence or desperation. Shawn smiles and says that it’s not desperate. Shawn is calculated, and wants a definitive win. Last year, see, he would have taken a countout or DQ win (remember his desperate plea to the ref during the near-countout?)… but this year, no. He wants a clear, complete win. So, he requests a no-DQ, no-countout match for WrestleMania. Taker agrees, and I just creamed my pants.

Taker goes on that Shawn just might be the best he’s ever seen in the ring, so there is clearly respect. However, Taker is going to bring Hell itself and bring so much fire and brimstone down on the Heartbreak Kid on WrestleMania that his career is finished.

Shawn: “You keep telling yourself that. After WrestleMania, the dark cloud hanging over me will be hanging over you instead… and inside that cloud will be an image that will haunt you forever. That image will be me ending your undefeated streak.” Cue the music, and Shawn heads out without violence as Taker gives him the Look of Extreme Offendedness.

Fucking A, people: best goddamned promo in a long time. [Ed. Note: nope, only since last week. And the week before that. Taker and Shawn are OWNING it. Well: mostly Shawn. Taker's been almost Orton-esque in his line-fumblery at times, but he always recovers and HBK always kills. I wanty more next week.]

Segment 2 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Eve Torres, Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly defeat Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Katie Lea Burchill by submission. Match was odd and anti-formula… the heels didn’t get an entrance, and there was no real Face In Peril or Hot Tag segment. After Gail did 50% of the offense (and doing so damn well as a result), she tagged out to Eve, who exchanged momentum a couple times with Maryse.

After a Pier Six Brawl, Eve found herself sitting on the top rope in a corner. Maryse came over and slapped her, then started to do… something. I think she was going to just throw Eve off the top or something. Instead, Eve wiggled around and grabbed Maryse’s arm, then did a jumping somersault armbar. It looked a little awkward but the end result worked, and Maryse tapped out.

Segment 3: Hornswoggle is talking to Criss Angel in the back. Angel pimps his new TV show, and the Bella Twins appear to help him. After that, Angel does a retarded magic trick involving pulling a string out of his eye. Ew. [Ed. Note: not a "trick." A medical condition. Fuck that weenis.]

Jillian then appears for no reason and volunteers to sing, then does so before anyone can agree. Angel then does a trick to make Jillian’s voice disappear. I think we can all agree that that trick is one we’d all like to have.

Pre-Segment 4: ShoMiz hits the ring, with Miz blathering like an idiot that the team of John Morrison and R-Truth is a retarded team that is below them. Oh, and ShoMiz is the last real tag team in WWE. Whatever.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: R-Truth & John Morrison defeat ShoMiz by disqualification. Match lasted 30 seconds. After a little bit of brawling, Truth and Miz (the legal guys) were outside the ring. Show then came over and smacked Morrison, which somehow drew the DQ. The fuck?

JM and Truth countered though, laid out the heels, then talked some shit and left. Whatever.

Is it too much to ask for for consistent rules in pro wrestling? Show just smacks the legal man and it's a DQ? Even though that happens in every fucking tag match?

Segment 5: Josh Mathews interviews John Cena in the back, who says that he expects and is counting on Batista interfering in the main event tonight. Whoopdie-fucking-do.

Segment 6: Evan Bourne, William Regal, and Regal’s NXT buddy (Skip Sheffield) introduce themselves to Criss Angel. Angel then does another trick and nobody cares. Sigh. [Ed. Note: if Cirque du Soleil Boy had asked *me* to write down a number, I would have picked pi, and he'd have not had a chance. For two reasons: (1) he's a phony and I wouldn't have told him my number ahead of time, and (2) if he guessed sort-of-right, I'd have made him recite pi out to 100 decimal places, which (a) he can't do, and (b) WWE would never air because it's boring. Winner is me~!]

Pre-Segment 7: We’re supposed to have a 2-on-1 handicap match, Legacy vs. Orton. Legacy starts their entrance… and then Orton comes down, beats on them a bit, and runs into the ring. And Orton’s supposed to be the face, here?

And again, because this is WWE and consistency is an unattainable goal, this somehow doesn’t result in a DQ or no contest and we’ll have the match after the commercial.

Segment 7 [2-on-1 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes defeat Randy Orton by pin. This match was way too fucking long, going like 15 to 20 minutes, which is entirely too long to be spending on any of these idiots. Match ended with Dream Street.

After the match, they beat the shit out of Orton some more, then stole his taunt. Whatever.

Segment 8: Josh Mathews interviews Bats, who says that Cena has never faced anyone like him before (I guess ignoring their feud from two years ago), and then gives his word that he so totally won’t get involved in Cena’s match tonight.

Segment 9: Here comes Triple H to talk. He says he doesn’t blame Sheamus for smacking him around last week, since if the roles were reversed—and it was Trips who was absolutely humiliated by a guy—he would have done the same thing and made a statement.

This summons Sheamus for essentially no reason. Sheamus says that that wasn’t a statement; the statement will come at WrestleMania when he beats Trips.

Trips gives a history lesson that Trips himself was a hot rookie, but then got his ass handed to him in WrestleMania way back when. From then on he had to claw his way back to the top where he is now. Sure, some guys have beat him, like Cena and Bats, whose careers skyrocketed after beating him. But that’s the short list: a longer list is full of the guys who fail against him and become “just a footnote in the history of WWE.” So, you sure you’re ready?

Sheamus answers with an attempted punch. Trips blocks in and brawls with Sheamus in and around the ring. Trips basically gets the upper hand but Sheamus bails before he can hit a Pedigree.

Segment 10: Santino Marella talks nonsensically to Criss Angel. We get another trick. Whatever. [Ed. Note: that one wasn't even a trick. Unless the trick was "making 3 minutes of my life disappear."]

Segment 11 [Singles Match, winner goes to Money in the Bank]: Evan Bourne defeats William Regal (w/ Skip Sheffield) by pin. Match was fairly short but watchable. EB won with the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press.

Pre-Segment 12: Oh look, Vince changes the main event at the last second. It’s a Gauntlet Match. So sad.

Also sad: Vince said in the mic that he’s going to beat Bret Hard one-two-three, holding up fingers as he did so… but Vince had trouble with three. So I think considering one guy has trouble counting to three on one hand and my favorite lost to a speaker box as Rick likes to point out (and I’ve been in denial about) [Ed. Note: it was a big speaker cabinet], I think it’s an even match after all [Ed. Note: three is NOT a big number, so keep on marking out, my good man~!].

Segment 12 [Weird Fucked Up Handicap (Tag Rules) Gauntlet Match]: Vince McMahon and friends defeat John Cena by pin. So what’s going on here is that it’s Vince and a rotating partner against Cena. Vladimir Kozlov comes down first, does a powerslam, tags in Vince, then leaves. Vince makes a pin, it fails, and he calls for his next partner.

Here comes Drew McIntyre, who gets in the ring, hits a couple moves, tags in Vince, and leaves. Vince makes the pin, only gets two, then calls for more help.

Here comes Jack Swagger. After a commercial break, Jack is on his back, eats a Five Knuckle Shuffle, but rallies and hits a springboard splash, tags in Vince, and leaves. Vince makes the pin, only gets two, calls for more help.

Here comes… Mark Henry? When did he turn heel? Oh, Michael Cole explains that MH doesn’t want to do this. So MH does a World’s Strongest Slam, looks sad, then tags Vince. Vince makes the pin, only gets two… leaves to get a mic. Vince says it’s so totally now a no-DQ match, then brings the bell.

Mark Henry hasn’t left yet, so he tries to reason with Vince not to do it. Vince says sure, I won’t do it… and gives MH the bell so he has to do it. MH tosses out the bell… and Bats appears and Spears MH.

And here comes Kofi Kingston, wearing red. His music doesn’t bother starting until after he’s in the ring and throwing punches, but he isn’t enough to make the save.

Back to the ring, Cena beats the shit out of Bats, then focuses on Vince. A Spear from Bats saves Vince from an FU, and a Batista Bomb seals Cena’s fate. Vince makes the pin, and we’re done.

Final Thoughts: Can’t get much more stuntbooky than the main event. Not a whole lot really advanced on that front, or the show in general really. Shawn/Taker continues to be the very definition of what pro wrestling can be, and Trips shows that he can use his mic skills to make a promo seem cooler than it really is (and cooler than whoever he’s actually talking to). Other than that? Meh… not worth watching.

Further, minus several million points to whatever dipshit thought 15 minutes of Orton vs. Generation Douche was a remotely good idea. None of them have enough charisma or wrestling value to go half that length without putting the audience to sleep, and yet we are subjected to a match long enough to span through two commercial breaks? If those are signs to come, TNA might just have a prayer after all.

Next week’s guest host is none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin, and among his duties as GM, he’ll be overseeing the contract signing between Vince and Bret. Seeing Austin and Bret in a ring together again will probably blow my mind and make me very, very happy. [Ed. Note: seeing HBK/Jericho as one of the multiple WrestleMania Re-Do Matches will make Ed. very, very happy. But they'll probably still give the main event slot to HHH/Orton. Which makes Ed. very, very sad....]

Rating (out of 5): 2.25