This was a last-minute thing (literally I bought the tickets at about midnight last night and I’m still hammering out the details), but my job coincidentally gave me five days off in a row, and this class I’m taking is somewhat relaxed. I’ve got my tax return (the largest of my life so far) coming this week, and I’m at my wit’s end with stress and irritation. I’ve got a shot to take a vacation, so, what the hell, right? The possibly future Mrs. Falkon and I will be in New York next week, where I plan to visit Ground Zero and the Times Square LEGO store. Yes, my priorities in life are that confused.

It won’t be a full week, but I think just the five days will be a nice enough, stress-free time for me to decompress. Rick or ArsonMonkey or Firewoman or someone will be around to do next week’s RAW and SD recaps, leaving me time to enjoy what I can of New York while I freeze my balls off. That’s assuming entire airports don’t collapse under the weight of the snow, anyway… I would have preferred flying to a warmer climate, but New York has been calling (mostly because the possibly future Mrs. Falkon has family there), and at the moment, it’s cheap enough that I can do it.

I think that bit of good news has kept me in better spirits, and I’m feeling physically better as a result. I’m still ill, but I’m definitely well on the way to recovery. If only My Melina would be on RAW tonight to make me feel warm and tingly everywhere!

Segment 1: It’s Presidents Day, so we’re kicking off RAW with the National Guard color guard and the Star-Spangled Banner being sung by a 15-year-old who looks legal (and probably 90% of the crowd wishes she was). She does a fantastic job of singing the anthem, and she’s not jazzing it up like pop singers do. Very cool, one of the best renditions I’ve heard.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Randy Orton by disqualification, and retains. Orton is starting to grow his hair out again, so he looks a little less like a penis-with-ears than he did last week.

Match was standard for these two guys, which is to say it’s not exactly full of workrate. Some triple-reversey stuff, and no one was able to hit a finisher. Halfway through the match, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase came down to observe, and after another double-reversey spot, Sheamus wound up outside the ring.

Orton unintentionally distracted the ref—he was selling a recovery—and DiBiase ran up to do something to Sheamus. Sheamus saw him and punched him off, but Cody came up to help out. He forearmed Sheamus in the back of the head just as the ref turned around, drawing the DQ. This now makes three times Cody has one-upped Orton: twice due to drawing DQs against Sheamus, and once by beating him cleanly one-on-one last week.

Post-Segment 2: Both guys slide in the ring, though both members of Legacy blame each other. Orton loses his mind, stares both guys down, then RKOs Cody. Sheamus gets in the ring out of nowhere and does his bicycle kick to Ted. Orton flips out and then RKOs Sheamus too. Only Orton stands among the four, and the whole sequence was done very smoothly.

Hey, I’ll give credit where it’s due: Orton handled that whole thing smoothly and intensely, even if he danced like a bit of a lunatic afterward.

Segment 3: Ladies and gentlemen… Bret Hart! WOO HOO!!!

…Uh, with even newer music? I still miss his original theme, but this remix is far closer to his original. I like it.

Bret hits the ring, coming slowly enough as he deserves—he’s one guy who can have an Orton- or Triple H-length entrance and I would never complain.

Bret opens that it’s no shock Vince McMahon isn’t here, especially seeing as Bret would have been waiting for him at the airport, at his hotel, or even here at the arena specifically to kick his ass. Bret just wants to “finish things once and for all.”

He pauses to absorb a “Bret! Bret!” chant, then moves on that he came back to make peace with Vince, though it wasn’t to be. He says that Vince lied to him, kicked him, spit on him, lied even more, had Bats rough him up… but what gets him the most is when Vince said that he “deserves to be screwed.” Bret retorts that Vince deserves to get the holy hell beaten out of him. Ha!

Bret gives an odd metaphor that Vince is “under the bottom of the barrel” when it comes to liars, then continues that it sucks that he doesn’t get a match with Vince at WrestleMania. “It doesn’t matter though; his victory will last a lifetime, but excellence lasts forever.”

He absorbs another cheer, then goes on that he thanks the crowd for our patience and understanding and support. He also thanks John Cena for supporting him too, over the last couple weeks. Bret finishes that while he loves us fans, he’s using this moment to say goodbye to us. He puts down the mic, waves one last time, and leaves the ring.

Huh. Well, the commentators continue to talk about Bret’s mindset and the fact that Vince isn’t going to play along. They’re talking a bit long, which—

Ah, the camera follows Bret to the back. He shakes Kofi Kingston’s hand, even says goodbye to Jack Swagger and Alicia Fox, both of whom are being completely respectful. Primo and Gail Kim and Evan Bourne shake his hand too. God, Gail is smoking hot… Still not My Melina, though.

After a cut to the commentators, they cut back to Bret, who is talking to Cena. Cena says he totally respects Bret, but is sure that they can get something out of WrestleMania. Bret declines that, shakes his hand, and starts to get in the limo. Suspiciously, a nearby white car with its trunk near Bret’s door has its reverse lights on… they wouldn’t, would they?

Of course they would: Cena starts to walk away, and we hear a crunch. The white car, driven by some blond chick, backs into the limo, which supposedly traps and injures Bret’s leg between the limo door and the limo itself. Cena bitches out the woman—we still don’t get a clear shot of her to identify her, if she’s worth identifying—as EMTs magically appear to get Bret out of the car. A full stretcher job ensues, even as Gail and Evan appear to assist Cena in helping him. (I love Cena’s comment: “You backed up here? Couldn’t you see the limo there?” Clearly he was going off-script and reacting like a fan with that one!)

Other than my desire to see Gail dressed up as a nurse, no complaints here with this, and I’m intrigued where they’re going with it.

Segment 4 [Tag Match] MVP & Mark Henry defeat ShoMiz by pin. Yes, “ShoMiz.” They took out the W, but they’ve got a mash-up of their songs and entrance videos.

A non-title result from out of nowhere, the match was pretty decent. Show seemed a little sloppy or got off his game or something: at one point near the end, Show tripped over Henry and fell to his knee when trying to climb the turnbuckle, then took MVP’s jumping knee attack completely wrong (selling despite a clear miss), and then did a big boot that was sloppy and missed that MVP sold for no reason. Show is way better than that, so I figure the trip kinda threw off his momentum.

Whatever. MVP and Show battled at the end, with Show doing that big boot to take MVP down. Miz tagged himself in thinking Show had had it, then went for the pin. He got a two-count, but rather than kicking out, MVP just rolled Miz up and pinned him clean. Interesting.

Segment 5: It’s just before 10pm, but they’re just now getting around to introducing the guest host. Jerry Springer and his two bodyguards hit the ring, and Michael Cole mentions the Jerry Springer Show has been on TV for 19 years. Good god, I didn’t realize it’s been that long.

Springer is here to “reveal WWE’s most intimate relationships.” What. Ever. I can already see this is going to be painful.

Our first guest is Kelly Kelly, who wastes no time in declaring that she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t know who the father is due to having a ton of relationships. Oh wait, maybe she does know, because it’s probably…

And here come Santino. Yep, like I said: this is going to be painful.

Santino hugs Kelly Kelly, says hi to Maury Povich (BURN!), and insists he is so totally “the papa!”KK says that it really isn’t Santino, that she needed someone to finish the job… and that gets both Jerry Lawler and Cole to both insist they “finished the job,” and—

You know what? This is too painful. We’re going to a bulleted list.

• The Bella Twins appear to give their secret, which is that Bella spills Brie is a man, leading them to smack each other. (Hilariously, Santino attempts to look under Brie’s dress after they calm down.)

• Chris F. Masters then comes down to do his dancing pecs, which KK says she’s so totally attracted to.

• Eve Torres then comes down and bitches out KK for stealing her man (CFM), and they grab each other and catfight.

• Eve says she’s been cheating on CFM anyway with Khali, who then comes down.

• Springer says he’s going to settle this with his magical paternity test (even though Santino insists this all happened three days ago). Of course, the winner here is Hornswoggle. Why not?

• Hornswoggle hits the ring and molests KK.

• Jerry says that WWE is more insane than his own show, so he’s taking his mic and goes home.

Whatever. As Springer leaves, Lawler hops on the ropes and calls him back to insist that, ha, this whole thing was a joke, and everyone here was in on it, except for Khali “who probably has no idea what’s going on.” Translator is there and counters: “Oh no, King: just like everyone else here in the arena, I think Khali thinks this whole thing has been a giant waste of time!” BURN!!! …Although that still doesn’t excuse the giant waste of time. Stupid words later, Mae Young comes out to molest Springer, and we’re done with the segment.

I repeat: whatever. It was harmless but it really was a complete, total waste of time; not entertaining at all. Despite the half-dozen attempted “Jerry! Jerry!” chants, the wrestlers were clearly trying a hell of a lot harder than the crowd. Except for Kelly Kelly, who was amused the whole time and couldn’t play her “role” right throughout.

Sigh. Springer is sure to go down in history as one of our worst guest hosts. Which, in this case, isn’t his fault; it’s the WWE “Creative” Team’s fault for thinking any of that was a good idea.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ted DiBiase defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. A good match, this one was a reverse squash. It was “sloppy,” but intentionally so: Ted was still selling Sheamus’s kick to his head, so Ted kinda flopped around and acted a little out of it, especially after a damn good-looking dropkick from Kofi.

Kofi went on a tear and wasn’t touched until the very end. After the Boom Drop, Kofi went for Trouble in Paradise but Ted just sort of fell over. That messed up Kofi’s rhythm, so he backed off. Ted got back up near the corner, so Kofi went for his jumping knee. Ted fell out of the way, making Kofi crotch himself on the rope. From there, Ted quickly grabbed him and hit his finisher almost out of nowhere, Dream Street, then made the pin.

Cut Scene: The second man being inducted into WWE Hall of Fame this year is Antonio Inoki. Never heard of him… but he founded New Japan Pro Wrestling, apparently, which definitely makes him pretty high up the ladder in the industry.

Segment 7: After a bunch of filler, Springer appears on the Titantron to give us his “Final Thought,” which is just hype for this Sunday’s Elimination Chamber event. Good contribution, buddy.

Segment 8: Cena is playing double-duty tonight, as he’s in the main event against Triple H, but first he’s here to respond at length to Batista and Bats’s lack of words on SmackDown. Cena wishes Bret a speedy recovery, then goes right to business.

Cena says he didn’t provoke Bats into the attack, but now that it’s on, he’s going to respond… in this case, he responded with taunts, which Bats in turn responded that he’ll be on RAW to re-respond personally. So Cena stands here, to be “one hell of a welcoming committee,” so get down here!

…And here is Bats, on the Titantron. Even Cena sarcastically says, “Woo hoo, you’re on the Titantron. Whoopdie-do.”

Bats says that he’s doing Cena a favor by not being there in person, since it saves Cena’s health. Cena gives him another threat. Bats says that Cena is too busy running his mouth, and always runs his mouth when he’s not there… so next week, he will be on the show, and we’ll see if he wants to still run his mouth if he’s actually here.

Cena’s fine with that, and will see Bats next week, no problem. But he won’t be looking for answers, he’ll want action, so “Come get some!”

Bats says that’s real cute, and just leaves. Cena is sad.

Even money that Bats is actually there and will come down during or after the main event to sucker punch Cena. Bret did it a few weeks ago, and WWE has used it as plot device for decades.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Triple H defeats John Cena by disqualification. Match was above average but nothing special. No finishers were executed, but the Cena was in Pedigree position when the match ended. Sheamus came down and gave a bicycle kick to Trips for no reason, annoying the shit out of me with yet another non-finish to a match.

After the match, Sheamus did his bicycle kick to Cena, then did the running crucifix powerbomb to Trips’s corpse.

Final Thoughts: Meh. I’m still intrigued about everything regarding Bret. I guess this is one way to write him out so there is definitely no match between him and Vince at WrestleMania, but it’s somewhat disappointing… unless it’s a ploy for some reason that will lead somewhere interesting, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess we all knew that Bret couldn’t do a full-fledged match, but that still makes me a little disappointed, you know? Writing him out seems to be the final nail in the coffin.

Speaking of coffins, I’m also disappointed there was zero progress with the Shawn/Undertaker situation. However, given that this is the run-up to Elimination Chamber and who knows where the titles will be next week, I suppose I can give them a pass.

The stories were interesting tonight but nothing exceptional. Same with the matches, I guess. I don’t know… I’m not feeling completely analytical right now. I’m not exactly pumped for Elimination Chamber, so that should be telling.

Next week’s guest stars are Jewel and some douche named Ty Murray or something, some guy who is a champion rodeo something-or-other. That’ll put asses in the seats, I’m sure.

I’ll be back on Saturday for the SmackDown recap, and then… it’s off to New York! Take care, guys.

Rating (out of 5): 2.75