Edwards gets some cheap pops (they’re in New Orleans), pimps the Daytona 500, and says he’s friends with John Cena. That brings out Sheamus. Sheamus wants something for Elimination Chamber match, I really didn’t understand his demand, but…

Holy shit, but here comes Christian! God, it’s good to have him on the A-brand again. Well, maybe not “officially” yet, but still. Christian said he is offended that his brother Edge said he would take on Sheamus or Undertaker with no mention of the ECW Title. Sheamus calls him a “lame duck champion” as a result; Christian retorts by calling him Snaggletooth. “You spend a lot on hair gel and razors for your ‘manscaping,’ so did you run out of money when you get to the tanning salon?” BURN!

Sheamus says that Christian is upset that he’ll be unemployed. Christian says au contraire, that everyone on ECW will just be a “free agent.” So to test the waters, he wants to challenge Sheamus tonight. What the hell: ECW Champion vs. WWE Champion, let’s do it! Edwards is game… and orders the match to go down right now.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Christian by pin. Match was above average, though pure formula. Match ended on the running crucifix powerbomb.

Segment 3: Triple H is watching the match in the locker room. Shawn Michaels walks in and says that the silver lining to his not winning the Royal Rumble nor qualifying for the Elimination Chamber, maybe Degeneration X can go to WrestleMania as a team for the first time. Trips says that would be great, but he did qualify for the EC, and he’s going to win it, and he’s going to go to WrestleMania as the WWE Champion. Shawn dejectedly says, “So, it’s all about you now,” and leaves.

Segment 4: I don’t usually recap recaps, or recap crap I’ve already recapped, but we see a video of the end of RAW, where Batista and Vince team up against Bret Hart. Why am I recapping it? Because we get to see ADDED FOOTAGE~!

Turns out, John Cena did come down to make the save after the show went off the air. When he did, Bats and Vince bailed, even retreating all the way to the back. Cena picked Bret up, held his arm up for the crowd…

Then Bats came back down and kicked Cena’s ass all around the ring. The finisher was a Batista Bomb onto the steel steps in the center of the ring, damaging Cena’s SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! neck and back.

Segment 5: Cody Rhodes comes up to Ted DiBiase in the locker room. Cody says that it’s totally unfair that he failed to qualify to the EC because he had to face John Cena, and Ted had to beat measly Mark Henry. Ted responds that the events of last week proves that he’s better than Cody.

Randy Orton appears and asks nonsensically if Ted thinks he’s better than him. Ted just shrugs and says, “I guess we’ll see at the EC.” Orton says we’ll see sooner than that, because tonight, Ted takes on Cena.

Cody smiles, and Orton calls him on it, saying that Cody has nothing to be happy about since he cost Orton his title at the Royal Rumble. Cody tries apologizing again and wants to know what he wants from him. Orton says he knows Cody’s intentions were right, and he appreciates his effort… oh, by the way, you’ll be facing me tonight.

Pre-Segment 6: The Straightedge Society hits the ring for their match, but Punk blathers first. I just don’t give a shit tonight.

Segment 6 [Triple Threat Tag Team Elimination Match for the WWE Unified Tag Titles]: Degeneration X defeats Straightedge Society (w/ Serena) by pin; then Miz & Big Show defeat Degeneration X by pin, and are the NEW WWE Unified Tag Team Champions! Match was really two matches in one. Both halves were entertaining, definitely a must-watch, especially in light of the unexpected ending.

Match ended just after Trips went on a tear, hitting his signature spinebuster which he usually follows up with a Pedigree. However, Shawn tagged himself in and, in a moment of confusion, Miz quickly rolled him up while he argued with Trips.

Obviously, the big story here is DX’s growing tension with each other and Shawn’s continued decent into being a loser. After the match, DX argued a bit, but no violence ensued.

Segment 7: Josh Mathews interviews Miz and Show in the back, who celebrate their victory and brag about getting over DX, which Jericho never helped him do. Miz says that they’re MizShow, and they’re awesome. Show corrects him that it should be “ShowMiz,” as a play on “Showbiz.” Miz is down with that.

Segment 8: Shawn is walking in the halls in the back, finds Theodore Long, and begs for a trade to SmackDown. T-Long asks what about DX; Shawn says that he doesn’t care about DX. He wants to be on SD, wants to be in the SD Elimination Chamber, then can beat Taker in the EC and face Taker at WrestleMania for the rematch and end The Streak. T-Long says he can’t do that, because the SD EC is set and the guys in it have earned their spots.

Shawn grabs T-Long by his lapels, but Trips appears and pulls Shawn off. Trips demands to know if Shawn is willing to throw away DX and his own career just for this obsession. Shawn stares down Trips, says his career is over, then Superkicks T-Long. Shawn leaves, and Trips allows him to go in order to attend to T-Long.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Gail Kim defeats Jillian by pin. Match was very short; neither girl got an entrance. Match ended with Gail’s falling boot to the chin finisher. Maryse was on guest commentary but didn’t say anything of value.

Post-Segment 9: As soon as the match was over, Maryse got in the ring and says she’s looking forward to their title match in two weeks and just wants the best match of her career. Maryse then blathers in French, and shakes Gail’s hand… no violence ensues, but Gail doesn’t entirely trust her.

Cut Scene: The Million Dollar Man will be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Segment 10: Carl Edwards and Jared the Subway Guy are hanging out together in the back, and Santino Marella appears. The first half of this segment is a plug for Subway.

Kofi comes in and suggests to Edwards that next week, the six guys in the Elimination Chamber have random singles matches. Santino suggests that next week’s guest host should be the one to decide exactly who faces who, since next week’s host must be the paragon of human decency.

After a pregnant pause, it’s revealed that next week’s host is Jerry Springer. Christ.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Randy Orton by pin. Match was lame. After some back-and-forth, Sheamus came down. He didn’t touch Orton but did distract him, letting Cody hit the Cross Rhodes for the win.

After the match, Sheamus got in the ring and did his bicycle kick to Orton as Cody bailed. Cody got back a moment later with a chair, which made Sheamus bail.

Segment 12: Mathews interviews Edwards in the back, who confirms the whole “everyone in the EC match will face off in singles.” However, rather than letting Springer do it, he goes ahead and books the matches. We’re going to see Sheamus vs. Orton, Cena vs. Trips, and DiBiase vs. Kofi.

Segment 13: John Cena and Ted DiBiase hit the ring but have a no contest. That’s because the instant Cena got in the ring, he beat the fuck out of Ted, threw him out of the ring, then slapped on the STF until a bunch of refs came out to break it up.

Cena hops in the ring with a mic, and declares that he is still alive despite Batista trying to take him down. He calls out Bats, even though there’s been not a single mention of Bats even being in the vicinity of RAW tonight. He declares he won’t leave the ring until Bats gets his ass out here…

And we go to commercial.

Once we’re back, Cena is still talking, complaining that Bats isn’t here. Cena thinks that means Bats is either scared or that the attack was just business, meaning it was Vince McMahon’s orders. Cena posits that maybe Vince is a little cheesed that Cena called him pathetic a couple weeks ago. So if Bats isn’t here, maybe he should talk to Vince himself instead.

Vince does come to the ring, though he’s flanked by security. Words are exchanged, but Vince decides to get in the ring alone. Vince assures him that Bats was not paid to assault Cena, just to help Vince assault Bret Hart. Cena cuts a promo on Vince themed about corporate greed, but he dials up his intensity too high as usual and loses credibility and believability.

After the blathering, Cena says that Bret wants one… more… match. Goosebumps, if they do it. Cena gives the challenge on behalf of Bret that Bret wants Vince one-on-one at WrestleMania. After more stupid blathering, Vince accepts. Awesome.

Cena thanks Vince on behalf of himself and the crowd for accepting to their face. Cena says “There’s one more person you need to thank to his face,” and leaves.

The crowd chants for Bret, but Vince goes on that Bret is in Calgary, though he addresses the camera. A quick video package of last week’s ending later, we cut back to the arena. Bret predictably comes through the crowd and gets a couple shots on Vince. Two security guys get in the ring and pull him off. Bret kicks their asses, but Vince bails.

Vince gets to the top of the ramp with his other security guys and declares he changes his mind. Bret goes around and cause a bit of destruction to the pyro box, then heads to the announcers and destroys the commentating table.

Bret gets in the ring and stares down toward the ramp, but nothing further develops. He does his signature taunt as his music plays out the show.