Speaking of Rick, I need to address SmackDown. He’s definitely the less shallow one of the two of us, as there is no way in hell I could bang any bald girl regardless of how hot she was three seconds ago before Jesus Punk ravaged her with electric clippers. I can still appreciate a hot body, and no amount of hair removal will change that (well, depends on where the hair is being removed from), but as far as overall beauty… meh, what can I say, I like long hair, and I like dark hair, so I especially like long AND dark hair. The possibly future Mrs. Falkon has long dark hair, after all. I used to make it a point that I refuse to date anyone whose hair is shorter than mine, and my hair is about as long as Shawn Michaels’s. It’s not exactly a hard-and-fast rule, but still: I like what I like. And I DON’T like shaved heads. [Ed. Note: Hey, neither, do I; if I have a choice, that's so not my #1 option. I've merely pointed out my ability to TOLERATE them, since it'll grow back, and no matter what you pay a personal stylist to do with weaves and hairspray and makeup and jewelry and crap, 95% of whatever makes a girl tasty or not is still right there for the taking even if you shave her bald as Telly Savalas. That chick on SD -- who I've actually been lucky enough to follow through the indies and her WWE developmental process -- is definitely in the "tasty enough" column. Actually talented, to go with lots of the simple stripped down "tomorrow morning pretty" that  lies at the heart of what I dig. I will allow her on my television. Of course: watch WWE go and make that be another one-off "conversion" like the other two, now, just to spite me. C'mon, idiots: Jesus H. Punk needs his Mary Magdelane, dammit!]

But, that’s okay. As far as I can tell from her pictures, My Melina loves her hair as much as I do, and wouldn’t cut it all off anyway, which is all that matters. Now if I can just convince her to e-mail me her phone number and address so I can take care of her hurt knee with my own brand of TLC… I’m still so totally amazed she hasn’t sent me that info yet!

Pre-Segment 1: We’re starting off not with our Psych guest hosts, but rather Degeneration X! The commentators are making a big deal over the fact that DX isn’t all rosy after Trips chucked Shawn over the top rope last week to prove that Trips will so totally win the Rumble.

Trips wants to be all buddy-buddy, but after Shawn declares that Hornswoggle is back at the hotel, Shawn goes on how serious he is about needing that rematch against Undertaker. Shawn practically begs Trips to just see it from his point of view. Is it too much to ask, as a friend, for Trips to just stand the fuck aside so Shawn can end The Streak?

Trips says goddamn straight, it’s too much to ask. Here’s the deal: DX is great for jokes and having fun, but the Rumble is all business, and Trips too wants a shot at the title at WrestleMania and, therefore, the win at the Rumble. Trips says that they may work together in the Rumble but it may wind up coming down to the two of them against each other… and if Trips needs to squash Shawn’s dream, then he will.

Shawn says he understands… and they await their opponents.

Segment 1 [Tag Match]: Degeneration X defeats Generation Douche by pin. Match was decent, above average, but nothing special. Pure formula. There was a bit of a tease at the end, with DX giving each other some cold looks, as well as moves that might have been against their partner but wound up hitting the opponent.

Pre-Segment 2: MVP hits the ring for a match, but wants to address Miz first. MVP gives Miz props for holding the title, but points out that he is the #1 contender. So Miz can hide behind Big Show and Napoleon Dynamite, but eventually they will take each other on one-on-one and the running away will stop.

And here comes Miz to respond. Miz mocks MVP’s catchphrase and brings up again how we all suck since we’re cheering for a convict and booing his sorry ass. Maybe it’s because everyone knows he’s such a hotshot awesome guy who has succeeded on several levels.

No, MVP replies: we hate Miz because he’s an idiot. But then, Miz would so totally get along in prison because, uh, he’s man-pretty or something. This leads to think that Miz and Show are fucking on the side. Miz flips out at this and starts to argue loudly and nonsensically over MVP’s random words too. Miz gets the upper hand (mouth?) by screaming that he is the United States champion, and would love to kick MVP’s ass, but won’t right now since Show wants to make a statement. And because he’s the Miz… and he’s… awesome! (And again times the catchphrase so the crowd can’t sing along.)

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Big Show squashes MVP by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 3: Generation Douche are talking in the back. Well, they argue, really, mostly about whether Cody Rhodes is that pissed off at Ted DiBiase after last week. Then Randy Orton comes in, bitches them out for losing to DX this week and because they didn’t save Orton from getting his ass kicked by Sheamus last week. So, get your heads in the game, because Orton wanty his title!

Segment 4: John Cena is hanging out with one of the guest hosts, Dulé Hill (the black dude). But it seems James Roday (the white dude) had to have an emergency appendectomy, and can’t be here tonight. Hill is okay though, since that means RAW is his show, and he’s ready to go!

Cena leaves, and after a second, Miz comes in. He says he so totally would have been a better guest star than Cena. Hill blathers for a moment, which Miz takes as patronizing. Then, Miz says he totally had to Google Hill’s name to even know who he was. Hill responds that he’s going to put Miz in a match later because he’s such a jerk, then leaves his own office.

Pre-Segment 5: Maryse is out for a match, but wants to talk first. She speaks mostly French, which is hot and all, but we don’t—

Pyros go off all over the place! Oh, Hill is having fun with the pyro system. He apologizes to her, but she totally calls him a loser. Hill tries to defend himself anyway, but then she starts cussing her out in French. Poor Dulé.

Segment 5 [Singles Match, Semi-Finals of Divas Title Tournament]: Maryse defeats Eve by pin. When did Eve start going only by her first name? Oh well… match was all right, I guess. Eve didn’t completely fuck it up like I was scared she’d do. She actually pulled off a damn good looking moonsault and a damn good looking belly-to-belly suplex. It wasn’t enough though, and Maryse ended it with the French Kiss and the Missionary Pinning Position. So hot.

Segment 6: Here comes Vince McMahon, here to talk about Bret Hart’s status. Vince starts by so totally calling out the Undertaker… which is okay since he’s not here. Jerk.

Vince says he’s so totally not a coward, not even for refusing to bring Bret back. There’s a good reason for this action: because he’s not that great of a guy anymore. He’s just not a hot commodity. He “buys low and sells high,” and he sold high to WCW, but since then we forgot about him until Shawn says something about it. Is there really a reason for him to be brought back?

And the crowd fires up “We want Bret! We want Bret!” Vince says that since we all want him back, we need to pay special attention here… because Bret will never be back in WWE! Boo!!!

Vince is sure he’s doing the right thing, since he’s a billionaire, which makes him smarter than us. (I wonder if he—the “actor” Vince rather than the “character” Vince—sees the irony in his words, I really do.) But if we think he’s an idiot, he’ll poll the crowd and see if we have a good reason for him to be brought back.

He hops out of the ring and asks random guys for good reasons. The first guy says that the best reason for Bret to come back is so Bret can kick his ass in the ring. Vince just smiles and says “So, you all think I’m afraid Bret… Whatever.” So Vince goes deeper into the crowd and asks a few more guys, but doesn’t really give them a chance to answer.

Vince gets back to the ring and says that he built an empire and is concerned with the present and future of WWE, and isn’t worried about Bret, who is just a member of the past. Crowd fires up “We want Bret!” again, but he thanks us for our time and leaves—

John Cena? Really? Goddamn, there’s a way for him to get some cheers! Vince assures Cena that he won’t change his mind. Cena shrugs that off: he’s not here to change his mind. See, Cena was fine with Vince’s stand… until Vince called Bret a “used up piece of gum that lost its flavor and needs to be thrown out.” Cena points out that Vince treated Roddy Piper like crap last year, and sees a pattern of Vince shitting on everyone who helped build his empire.

Cena goes on a tear that Vince gets a bug up his ass about thinking wrestlers are just things that expire and need to be removed, rather than the human beings they are. He rhetorically asks whether Vince thinks that way about Shawn Michaels, or Undertaker, or Batista, or even himself. Cena goes on that people don’t respect Vince as a man because all Vince does is lines his pockets and feeds his ego. And Vince fed his ego bringing Bret back just so the last thing we all saw on RAW was him kicking Bret. “You’re right, Vince, you’re not a coward. You’re pathetic.” Wow, nice line!

Vince gets in Cena’s face and asks him to repeat himself. Cena demands that Vince will invite Bret back next week on RAW; he doesn’t care about the outcome, just that Bret gets a chance to confront Vince face-to-face. If Vince doesn’t do this, then it will prove to all the superstars and the fans that the wrestlers mean nothing to him other than “commodities” with expirations.

And if that should come to pass, Cena goes on, Vince will still be fine, health-wise. But on Vince’s 90th birthday in 25 years, he (Cena) will be one of those “used up pieces of gum” as well. So Cena will find Vince, and on behalf of every single wrestler who has ever worked for Vince from Andre the Giant to Outback Jack and Bret Hart himself, “I will pick you up out of your wheelchair and knock your false teeth down your throat.” And Cena delivers that line softly, casually, and in a normal voice… which makes it truly threatening and pure awesome. Wow, again. Cena follows up a reiteration that he’s not here to change Vince’s mind about Bret, but just wants Vince to nut up and do the right thing.

Cena tosses his mic to the canvas and leaves. Vince yells for Cena to stop, so Cena turns and faces Vince halfway up the ramp. Vince agrees: fine, I’ll invite Bret next week, and we’ll see what happens.

Cena smiles, which of course pisses off Vince. Vince says that if Cena wants to be heard and seen too, then he’ll get a chance, so tonight, we’re going to see Cena vs. Sheamus… and play off Vince’s music as Cena continues to smile and give a perfect little patronizing nod to Vince as Vince ironically celebrates to a crowd who is not cheering for him.

Wow. Just… wow. This is easily Cena’s best promo in a long fucking time. It’s like I’ve always said: we know the guy can talk, we know he’s one of the best in business. It’s just that the more “wild” he gets with his hyper-intensity and superwigger dial turned up, he gets more ridiculous and loses credibility. This time around, he did the “New Batista” thing of just blatantly saying what was on his mind, standing up for what he wanted and believed, and not flying off the handle. Sure, he basically bullied and manipulated Vince into doing what he wanted, but Cena didn’t lose his mind in the process, making the whole thing seem a hell of a lot more logical, realistic, and exciting.

And Vince did a damn good job playing his part too, but I shouldn’t be surprised about that. Vince is good at doing promos too when he’s not flying off the handle, and he kept everything close and tight this time. And of course, the promise of Bret on my TV next week makes me very happy as well. This promo, right here, demonstrates why we are all wrestling fans.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Miz by pin. Match was decent, though a little short. Miz went on a tear late, but MVP’s music fired up. MVP popped out of the back but it was enough of a distraction that Miz stopped paying attention. When Miz turned back around, he ate a Trouble in Paradise, and that was it.

Segment 8: Dulé Hill with a newly shaved Carlito has found the production truck, complete with monkeys. Hill is so totally not a button pusher… but then looks at the computer keyboard and asks what that is. The monkey says that it’s so totally the graphic thing that shows who’s going to fight who. He punches in a code that brings up the Vs. screen with Carlito on the left.

Hill has an idea. He’s going to punch in a random code, and that’s who Carlito’s opponent will be next! Carlito isn’t cool with this… until it comes up as Kelly Kelly. Carlito smiles and says he’s so totally got this.

Segment 9: Carlito is in the ring, and Kelly Kelly comes out for their match, though she looks a little concerned. Or rather, annoyed. Before she gets to the bottom of the ramp, Santino Marella’s music fires up. Santino holds up a Best of RAW 2009 DVD, and says that he’s in it a lot… and looks like a moron.

But that’s going to change this year! He’s so totally going to take K2’s place, kick Carlito’s ass, then go on to the Royal Rumble and win!

…And that’s when Jack Swagger runs down the ramp and kicks Santino’s ass. He throws Santino into the ring, then throws him over the top rope out of it to send a message. Outside the ring, Jack holds Santino in a… kind of a Cobra Clutch hold but from the front. Then he shoves Santino’s face into the ring post. Ouch.

Aside: Normally I don’t care about video packages, but the video packaged they’ve prepped to hype the Royal Rumble is pretty frickin’ cool. See if you can check it out on WWE.com or something if you don’t watch the shows.

Segment 10: Cena and Hill are talking in the back, and James Roday is on the phone. Roday is a little witty, but nothing exceptional. And then Alicia Fox comes in, and Roday cries for not being able to see her. Alicia wants to know if Hill can predict her match outcome tonight since he’s psychic. Roday chirps, “Hey, baby girl! I’m the psychic! It’s me, Roday!” And Hill hangs up on him, then says he is so totally the psychic. Heh.

Anyway, Hill sees a Fox in the ring standing victorious… and he will be at ringside to be her magic good luck charm. “But, if you’re wrong…” Hill wants to know what she’s going to say, but he’s so creepy about it that she just leaves.

Hill asks Cena what that was about. Cena posits that if Alicia loses, she’ll find Mark Henry… who will find Hill… who will remove his appendix “the hard way.” Ouch. And now Hill has lost his nerve. Poor guy.

Segment 11 [Singles Match, Semi-Finals of Divas Title Tournament]: Gail Kim defeats Alicia Fox by pin. Almost a squash, though Gail continues to show she’s by far the best diva on WWE bar none. Alicia held up well and looked like she deserved to be there. I’m just glad Gail is in the finals. Match ended with Gail’s finisher where she holds her opponent’s arm, then kinda falls backwards with her feet up so the opponent’s face slams into her foot. Is there a name for that?

After the match, Alicia found Dulé, who was on guest commentary. He tried to escape from the commentators’ table, but Alicia cut him off. Hill blathered that he so totally was joking, and is so totally an actor, so don’t be so totally mad. Alicia responded to that with a stiff slap, which probably hurt twice as hard because she slapped the headset against his face, which dropped Hill. Alicia stormed off, and Hill sold it like a champ.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats John Cena by disqualification. Match was standard Cena, with the whole Superwigger comeback and everything. Nothing to write home about here, no high spots or anything unusual.

Match ended when Sheamus started to counter the Superwigger comeback, and then Orton came and did an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!!! to Sheamus.

After the match, Cena was outside the ring, and tried coming back in. Orton went for his second rope DDT, but Cena wiggled out of that and hit the FU on Orton. Cena stands tall over Sheamus and Orton as we end the show.

Final Thoughts: Pretty entertaining night for WWE. It didn’t do anything flashy or edgy… hell, maybe it’s just my lowered expectations. Regardless, it was pretty fun and definitely worth a watch. DX is shaky, intentionally so, to gear up for the Rumble. Cena cut his best promo in months, maybe years, by simply not being a melodramatic doucherocket. Everything else was solid, if needless; I mean, we didn’t really need Cena/Sheamus but it fueled the fire (whatever fire there is) of Sheamus/Orton, AND it gives Cena momentum into the Rumble. So, yeah, no complaints.

It seems next week, we’ll be graced by William Shatner. Hey, wait a second… when Rick challenged me about the alleged hotness of Punk’s “saved child,” he brought up an allegory of Star Trek: The Original Series… and now Shatner is going to be on RAW next week! Coincidence? Or Rick showing off his wordsmithery? Well, as Shatner used to say, the truth is out there!

See you next week everyone!

Rating (out of 5): 3.5

…Oh wait, that was X-Files. Uh… “May the force be with you”? No no, that’s not it… “Live long and prosper!” Yeah, that’s ticket (even if it’s Spock’s ticket)! My apologies: I only got into Star Trek when it was good with The Next Generation.

Make it so, Number One…