So I’m happy, my adrenaline is rushing a bit right now, and I’m all set to watch some wrestling. Hopefully, Napoleon Dynamite and Nash Bridges don’t fuck things up too badly…

Before we get started: I was alerted just before RAW went on the air that my girlfriend’s son was in a somewhat serious car accident. After conversing with her, he’s doing all right for now, but he’s not out of danger. For what it’s worth, if any of you are religious and can fit some prayers for her son in between your prayers for the victims of the Haiti earthquake, I would sincerely appreciate it. Thank you.

Segment 1: We’re starting off tonight not with our guest hosts, but with Vince McMahon. The commentators are already blathering about Bret Hart, which tells me he’s definitely not done with the company.

Vince starts off that life is about decisions, some are harder and some are not. The worst decision he’s made lately is bringing RAW to this city (boo!), though Bret’s return was a bad one too (yay!), but at least kicking him (boo!) and banning him from WWE forever (boo!) were good decisions.

Interestingly, Vince actually backs this up with something intriguing: he’s banned Bret for us, because we should remember him as the Hit Man, rather than an apologetic man past his prime. He needs to be put down like an old warhorse.

Vince prattles on a bit and loses steam, no surprise. He says that it’s really our hypocritical nature, since we always want someone who’s bigger and stronger and faster and younger. (I think Vince is thinking too much about his men’s bodybuilding magazine.)

Gong? Oh shit, here comes the Undertaker to respond! Fuck yeah!

Once the music stops, Vince says he so totally didn’t finish talking, and it’s still his time and his show. Taker simply responds that the way he sees it, it’s his time and show. Seems Vince concedes.

Taker says that he originally came here to address Shawn Michaels’s challenge, but seeing as that Vince has said what he said, Taker will address that first. Taker goes on that there aren’t many wrestling veterans left… but he was in Montreal in 1997. He knew what went down, he was a witness to the screwjob, and he saw the same fear in Vince’s eyes then as he does now. Taker asserts that Vince indeed screwed Bret… twice now, counting the kick. Ergo, the reason Vince banned him is because he’s scared of the consequences. “What you did was the act of a coward.” Goddamn, this segment is hot.

Vince disagrees respectfully, but then bails before anything more can be said. He heads up the ramp in peace: Taker lets him go, though he gives a parting shot that Vince is angry, stubborn, and full of guile. However, he says he also attributes those adjectives to Shawn Michaels. See, last year, it was about this time when Shawn said he would so totally beat Taker, which didn’t happen.

Taker goes on that Shawn has, of course, been insisting for a rematch for over a month. Taker has his answer, but he wants to deliver it personally, so he calls out the Heartbreak Kid.

Shawn quickly obliges, walking to the ring with focus and no joy despite his DX shirt. Shawn gets to the ring, without being intimidated, and says he’s anxiously awaiting the answer. Taker says that while Shawn came the closest to beating him, there is nothing left for Taker to prove… so the answer is no.

Shawn starts to argue, but Taker interrupts him. “If you think you can beat me, I’ll give the chance to… tonight.” Crowd goes batshit, and I just got a little chill in my spine.

Shawn says no. What. The. Fuck?

Shawn says that he wants nothing more than to beat Taker… but it’s got to be at WrestleMania, simple as that. Shawn says gently that he realizes what he needs to do: he’s going to go into the Royal Rumble, where he’ll so totally win. He’ll then cash it in against Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title.

Taker acknowledges that he will still be the champion at WrestleMania, so indeed the Rumble is Shawn’s only chance. Shawn is fine with that: Shawn will take his title, streak, and even his soul at WrestleMania. They stare each other down as Taker’s music plays, but no violence ensues.

Good lord, that was a hot segment.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus squashes Evan Bourne by pin. Randy Orton came out as the match started to scout Sheamus, which is about as lame as it sounds. Other than that, I refuse to recap squashes.

Post-Segment 2: Orton comes in the ring to stare down Sheamus, and sadly the crowd chants “RKO! RKO!” Sheamus stares him down and taunts him with the title, then leaves. Not compelling, sorry.

Segment 3: Shawn is in the back and runs into Triple H. Trips wants to say something, but Don Johnson appears and shakes their hands. Apparently Johnson has lost Jon Heder. Whoops. Shawn doesn’t even know who the fuck Jon Heder is, and politely excuses himself.

Trips says not to mind Heder, since he’s an idiot anyway. Johnson makes reference to some “incident” between Heder and Trips as the reason for that remark, though I have no idea what that’s about. At least Johnson showed up on time, you know?

He thinks he sees Heder after all and goes to a guy who might be Napoleon Dynamite. Except, no, it’s Carlito, who so totally dressed like that for the hell of it because he’s never seen the movie. That… made no sense.

Pre-Segment 4: Jack Swagger hits the ring for a match, and promises that his getting eliminated by Santino last week as a total fluke. He’s sure he’ll win, so he’s issuing another challenge, calling out Santino Marella specifically. Santino does come out, dressed as Don Johnson oddly enough.

Santino says that while he’d love to humiliate Swagger again, he’s the president of the Italian Don Johnson Fan Club. So, he’s too busy tonight to kowtow to Swagger. Instead, he’s found a substitute.

Mark Henry. Joy.

Segment 4 [Over the Top Rope Elimination Singles Match]: Mark Henry squashes Jack Swagger by elimination. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 5: Jon Heder and Don Johnson hit the ring. And good god, they’re trying to do the face/heel bullshit with Heder playing heel. Obviously this is going to suck.

Johnson announces that DX will be in the main event. Heder blathers some shit about a college football coach to get some cheap heat, then calls for Miz to come out. Heder promptly bows to him, and I’m already annoyed. Heder is being a douche for all the wrong reasons.

Anyway, Miz comes out, shakes hands, and says that it’s awesome there are actual celebrities as the celebrity hosts for once. Oh and, by the way, thanks for getting me into the Royal Rumble. Meanwhile, Triple H is a jerk for saying that Johnson should just host it alone, because Heder is so totally awesome.

Miz starts to talk some trash to MVP randomly, so MVP does indeed come out. He says that he’s in the Royal Rumble now too, and if he doesn’t do anything else, he wants to chuck Miz out of the ring during the Rumble. But, why wait for that? Let’s just throw him—and Heder for the hell of it—out right now?

MVP heads to the ring, and Miz pops out to greet him. As MVP starts to ready himself, Big Show comes out for no reason. MVP gets in a few shots against Miz, but Show takes MVP out in short order.

Show gets in the ring, Heder blathers like a douche as Johnson excuses himself. Heder finishes out making the match: Miz and Big Show against DX. Nobody seems to care.

Pre-Segment 6: During the match preview, in a clip that included Randy Orton, Jerry Lawler called him “Randy Savage.” Poor guy is going senile.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Kofi Kingston & John Cena defeat Legacy by pin. Match decent but nothing special. Both faces operated as Faces in Peril, first Cena then Kofi. The match ended with an FU by Cena on Cody Rhodes followed up by a top rope crossbody pin by Kofi.

After the match, Ted and Cody gave each other evil eyes. Hm…

Segment 7: Heder, Show, and Miz are talking in the back. Hornswoggle appears and yells at Heder, who then turns around and sees Triple H. Trips can now speak Midget, and translates that Horny wants to challenge Heder to a match. Heder rejects that, so Trips comes up with a different solution: we’re going to make this a six-man tag match, with Horny and Heder added to the teams. Lame.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Eve Torres & Gail Kim defeat Alicia Fox & Maryse by submission. Gail again proves she is by the far the best diva in the whole damn roster—yes, including My Melina—and is criminally underused. Bah.

She and Maryse did some good action, then they both tagged out and everything went to hell. Eve completely missed a dropkick but Fox sold it anyway, and they decided to just redo it even though everyone saw there was clearly no contact the first time. The finish was a weird submission move: Alicia was against the corner. Eve got to the top rope and wrapped her legs around her head, then took her arm through her legs and sorta rolled off the top rope. This made Alicia roll forward as well, and made Alicia be “locked” into the shittiest armbar ever in the history of existence. I don’t recall “Shitty Armbar” as one of Jericho’s 1004 holds, so maybe he can add it.

Segment 9: Johnson is in the back playing with Kelly Kelly’s hand (huh?), and Heder comes in. Heder is panicking, and seeks advice from Johnson, who just dismisses him.

And here comes Miz and Show again, who say that Heder will so totally be okay. Show says he’s already clicking with Miz “better than my former partner.” OH! BURN ON JERICHO!!!

Segment 10: Vince is talking to Trips in the back, ranting that no one calls him a coward. In fact, Vince wants to call out Taker next week!

Trips puts the kibosh on that idea, then rightly voices his irritation that everyone in the McMahon family always has to have the last word, and that’s what’s wrong with them all. See, perception is reality, just like Vince always says, and Vince has himself in a corner: if Vince lets Bret come back, then it makes Bret a bigger star. If Vince doesn’t, then everyone knows Vince is a total coward.

Vince walks off with irritation, and Shawn appears. Trips had something important to say to him, but Horny appears and interrupts them. Trips says that he’ll tell him later, and they head off down the hall.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Chris F. Masters (w/ Eve Torres) by pin. Chris Masters… in a match that was passably entertaining… Goddamn, Bret was right: Hell has indeed frozen over.

You almost, almost thought CFM could have won this one. After a tear of moves, Orton tried an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!, but it was countered by CFM and the Full Nelson of Doom. Orton actually faded out, but managed to fall at the ropes, which caused the ref to break the hold.

CFM backed up and waited for Orton to stand. When he did so, Orton hit his RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~! finally and made the pin.

Sheamus came out to watch the match go down. The instant it was over, he slid in the ring and hit Orton with a bicycle kick, laying him out. Looks like Sheamus wins this round.

Segment 12 [6-Man Tag Match]: Hornswoggle & DX (w/ Don Johnson) defeat Jon Heder, Big Show, & Miz by pin. Lame. As. Fuck. Not that I was expecting much more. The finish was the Two-Star Frog Splash.

Post-Segment 12: There’s very little time to celebrate, because Trips gets a mic and starts to talk. He says that, as a friend, Shawn just can’t beat Undertaker. It’s not going to work. Let it go. Shawn wants to reply…

And here comes John Cena? Trips is pissed about being interrupted, but both members of DX is trying to figure out what’s going on. Cena says before Trips gets to his announcement, Cena wants to give his own announcement, and what Superwigger wants, Superwigger gets. Cena declares he will be in the Rumble, and will so totally win, just like he did last time two years ago.

Trips shrugs and picks up a mic and starts to talk… but then Big Show gets back in the ring, and announces that he will so totally win the Royal Rumble. And he’s going to show why…

And he sucker punches DX, then goes after Cena. Cena dodges him, then eliminates him over the top rope. DX then eliminates Cena. Then… Trips eliminates Shawn? Trips jumps on the mic and says that what he’s been trying to say this whole night is that none of them will win the Rumble, because he will so totally win the Royal Rumble!

Shawn and Trips shoot each other looks of daggers as Trips’s music plays out the show. Whoa.

Final Thoughts: Meh. Heder stunk up the joint, and the matches were all tame and barely entertaining. All things connected to the Rumble make me very, very excited: you just know that half the guys in it are potential contenders. Even if Shawn loses, for example, he still may find some way to get a shot at Taker, you know? I’m intrigued, and will definitely get the PPV.

Other than that? Meh. You can pass on it.

Next week’s RAW guest stars are the lead actors on the USA Network show “Psych.” My mom is probably going to tune in for that, and I’ll admit the guys are pretty amusing and have some damn good chemistry, and they are both wacky enough to work in the wrestling environment… though I’m not entirely optimistic.

Rating (out of 5): 2.3