I have so little to talk about that I’m actually writing this precap AFTER the show. Was it good or bad? I’m not gonna tell! You need to read the whole thing! What, “All You Need To Know” isn’t good enough anymore? Huh?

…Oh, you were going to read the whole thing anyway because you’re a loyal reader of OO? Well, damn, my bad.

Speaking of movies, the whole reason I started the Netflix list forever ago was to catch up on what I call “modern classics,” the movies that aren’t necessarily good but are famous enough that if I say I never saw it, most people respond with “You’ve NEVER seen it? Are you a Martian or just living under a rock?” I thought I got most of them out of the way: the Rocky series, the Rambo series, and so on.

It was recently brought to my attention through a throwaway Family Guy joke that there was another modern classic series I’ve never seen: the Crocodile Dundee. I know enough about it to get major references (“THIS is a knife!”), but I don’t know a goddamn thing about it otherwise. So I’ve added those to the list, and will probably watch them after Snatch. So far as I know, those are the only modern classics left; I don’t count sequels that were universally hated, such as Jaws 2 et al and Robocop 2 et al; seeing the first one only seems to be the best bet for not ultimately hating a character.

So, uh, yeah… that’s all from me this week. So see you on Saturday for my SmackDown recap! Thank you and good night! And keep reading!

Segment 1: Mike Tyson is introduced and comes to the ring presently. The way he moves in the ring, I’m curious if he’s on speed.

We see a video clip of the last time he was in WWE (1998? Really, that long ago? Shit.). He wants to say something more, but Sheamus hits the ring to interrupt the proceedings. Sheamus is there to take issue that he was announced as an “athletic icon” of the 20th century. Tyson is so totally washed up. He’s a champion now, so that makes him the “baddest man on the planet.” Tyson throws a punch, which Sheamus dodges and dares him to try it again.

And here comes Randy Orton to the ring, who says he wants the WWE Championship. He thinks he should be the #1 contender for it for the Royal Rumble, so Tyson should do that now.

And of course, here comes John Cena, wearing orange that precisely matches Orton’s skin tone. “I should get the title shot because I’ve beaten everyone in the ring.” What? Oh wait… he’s going to do a fucking Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!! joke, isn’t he?

“I beat Glass Joe and Piston Honda first!” Ah, yes, yes he does. Hey, earth to Cena: NONE OF YOUR CURRENT 14-YEAR-OLD FANS HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE REFERENCING!!!

…And here comes Kofi Kingston? Kofi makes several logical arguments, which are interrupted by a very loud chant of “Cena sucks! Cena sucks!” Heh. Anyway, Kofi wants the title shot since he’s earned one but never had it.

Sheamus’s solution is for Mike Tyson to declare that he gets the Royal Rumble off. Tyson’s solution is to make the obvious triple threat match, and Tyson’s strip club music plays out the scene. Cena’s game for this, and calls Orton “Bald Bull.”

*ahem*

JUST TO REPEAT, YOU SUPERWIGGER NO-TALENT DOUCHE: NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE REFERENCING, AS MOST OF THEM HAVE DROPPED THER TESTICLES YET AND ONLY ASSOCIATE A “GOOD” VIDEOGAME WITH THE WORDS “HALO” AND “CALL OF DUTY.” DOUCHE.

…Was that too much? My bad.

Segment 2 [Singles Match, Round 1 of the Divas Title Tournament]: Alicia Fox defeats Kelly Kelly by pin. Viva the two least-talented women on RAW!

Pre-Segment 3: Generation Douche hits the ring, then immediately start to argue. See, Cody Rhodes is sure that he and Ted DiBiase will break out of their rookie shells and become legends. And of course, Cody thinks he’ll totally be the one to break out; Ted argues because he’s totally so much hotter and a better actor as The Marine 2 (available on DVD now, bitches!!!!!) has proved. Ooo snap, I feel tension!

Except: I don’t care.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Generation Douche defeats Evan Bourne & Mark Henry by pin. When you’re asking me to seriously buy into Mark Henry going into House of Fire mode, I respond by laughing at your face. Match ended with the Cross Rhodes.

Segment 4: DX is in the back, talking about our guest host. See, Shawn made peace with Bret last week, and wants to make peace with Tyson this week (for crossing him at the 1998 WrestleMania). Trips said that Bret was one thing, but Tyson totally knocked him the fuck out back then! Shawn tells Trips not to worry, that he’ll prove that Tyson is a changed, more gentle man. Alrighty…

Segment 5: Shawn is talking to Tyson in the back after the commercial. Shawn expresses what he said before the commercial: he wants the same closure. Shawn says he totally forgives Tyson for knocking him out then.

Tyson said that the problem is, he didn’t need his forgiveness. In fact, he wants to do it again! He loved it!

And Chris Jericho appears to kick Shawn out of the—wait, Jericho? Oh, Jericho goes on that he and Tyson are kindred souls since they’re both kept down by The Man, so Tyson has given him a chance to be on RAW for this week.

Oh, and he’s made a match involving DX, and if DX loses, then Jericho gets a permanent pass to be on any damn show he wants to be. And the opposing team is… Jericho and Tyson? Huh.

Pre-Segment 6: Jack Swagger is running around like a moron in the ring as we come back from commercial. He’s here to celebrate the fact that he’s totally going to win the Royal Rumble! He laments that last year he was defending his ECW title at the PPV, so he hasn’t been in the Rumble itself yet… however, he knows he can’t be eliminated!

In fact, he’s makes an All-Amercian-American-American-American-American-AMERICAN challenge that no one can eliminate him, and if someone wants to prove it, come down now!

And here comes Santino! He said this is a great coincidence, since was coming down to issue the All-Italian-Italian challenge for the same thing! So let’s wrestle and see who’s better!

Segment 6 [Over the Top Rope Elimination Singles Match]: Santino defeats Jack Swagger. Huh. They wrestled a bit, Jack tried to fling Santino over the top, but Santino caught himself and Swagger went over instead. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I guess all you Jack Swagger fans, especially you female ones who may live in my city, are crying in your diaries over this one!

Segment 7 [Triple Threat, winner faces Sheamus for the WWE Title at Royal Rumble]: Randy Orton defeats Kofi Kingston by pin and outlasts John Cena. Good match, lame ending.

Start of the match saw the faces—well, Cena and Kofi—going back and forth with beating the shit out of Cena. After Orton was chucked from the ring, it looked like Cena and Kofi would go at it… but then Sheamus came out, which distracted the faces. That gave Orton enough time to recover and kick both their asses.

Well, during the commercial, anyway. Once we were back from that, the faces made a comeback, though the majority of fans were booing the shit out of Cena. This reached its peak when Cena locked in the SSTF to Kofi, but it was locked on way too long before Orton made the save… I have a feeling something went wrong off-camera involving Orton to make him delay a bit before actually breaking it up.

Anyway, after that, it was basically a Pier Three Brawl. Kofi hit the Trouble in Paradise on Cena, sending him outside the ring. That’s when Rhodes came down to fuck with Cena, then distract the ref so DiBiase could be in the ring and smack Kofi (again, after a long delay) from raping Orton. Orton followed that up with an RKO, and it was over.

Segment 8: Josh Mathews interviews Tyson, or tries to, but Hornswoggle comes up and taunts Tyson. Tyson responds softly that he’ll rip out Horny’s intestines, then pull his brains out of his nose and fling them against a wall like Silly Putty. Wow, how very Ultimate Warrior-esque of him!

Segment 9: Miz is standing in front of the locker room and tells us all that no one respected when he first started, including no fans and no wrestlers. We all made his life a living hell! He was denied being able to be in a locker room for spilling a couple crumbs on a ref’s bag back then (really?).

All that negativity made him become the total badass he is today. Now, he doesn’t bother with that locker room, since he has a private locker room! The joint locker room is for guys like MVP, the #1 contender for his title!

Miz saunters out to the ring as he continues to talk. Miz goes on that MVP doesn’t deserve to be in the same ring as him. He doesn’t understand why we all boo him and love MVP when he’s been so totally perfect his whole life; he’d rather be booed for who he is than cheered for who he isn’t. Nice line.

We’ll all respect him eventually because he’s the Miz… and he’s… awesome! …And by breaking it up like that, he denied the fans a chance to sing along. Heh.

MVP comes out to respond, that he talks about his mistakes in the past so others don’t repeat them. And sure, he loves the rich clothes and bling, but it’s because he’s earned it. He’s earned the respect of the fans, which Miz still hasn’t done. MVP calls Miz a poo-flinging monkey.

Miz: “I hope some of that poo lands on your lips so you can taste what comes out of your mouth.” Uh… wouldn’t MVP always taste what comes out of his mouth? Or am I the only one who tastes vomiting after drinking too much?

Anyway, MVP puts over the fact that if he is an animal, fine: he survived the animal kingdom of jail, a world that Miz totally hasn’t seen other than TV. So why don’t you open the cage of the animal and let him get all Bengal tiger on his ass? (Batista is currently suing for gimmick infringement).

This leads to blows, with MVP getting the finale of a boot to Miz’s face to send him through the ropes. MVP celebrates by holding up Miz’s US Title in the ring.

Damn, that whole segment was pretty awesome, Miz’s poo-flinging line notwithstanding. Who knew MVP could talk that well? Oh yeah: ME, who’s been hyping his worth since he first got on TV.

Segment 10 [Singles Match, Round 1 of the Divas Title Tournament]: Eve Torres defeats Katie Lea Burchill by pin. Lame as fuck. The only good part was Maryse, who was on commentary, talked about… wait for it… wait for it…

MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

…Goddamn right, I’m still going to try to work that into every recap.

Segment 11: Here comes Vince McMahon to the ring to address his actions against Bret last week. Hey, if this results in Bret getting on WWE weekly, I don’t really give a shit in what direction this is going to go.

Vince blathers that he has not put security around the arena to prevent Bret’s appearance: truth is that Bret isn’t here because he’s scared. He kicked Bret in the testicles so he finally could screw him, and because Vince is not a guy to play “nicey-nice.” So, Bret will never be in WWE again, ever. So there. We’re done.

Huh. I guess that’s about as much closure as we’re going to get it. And the commentators sell us on that, though Cole does so half-heartedly.

Segment 12 [Tag Match, if DX loses Chris Jericho can be on any show forever]: DX defeats Chris Jericho & Mike Tyson by pin. My friend Mike called this one: Tyson never engaged DX, just tagging out. Finally, all four guys got in the ring (really five, since Horny materialized by this point). They all stared each other down, then Tyson pulled off his shirt. Oh no, it’s a DX shirt! And Tyson punches CJ and knocks him out! Amazing!

The only really significant thing here is that Shawn tried a quick roll up of CJ, leading to CJ’s ass being exposed to everyone. That sound you hear is Firewoman burning out her DVR by rewinding it four hundred times. Wouldn’t surprise me if she made that her avatar on the OO message boards.

Final Thoughts: Decent night I guess. No major complaints other than overexposure to CJ’s anatomy (and underexposure to Gail Kim’s and My Melina’s anatomy). Nothing terribly exciting either, so, meh, whatever.

The triple threat match was above average, and MVP and Miz’s angle was absolutely phenomenal. You might want to check the former out, and you’ll definitely want to check the latter out. Other than those though, you wouldn’t really miss too much if you skip it.

Next week’s RAW will be jointly hosted by Don Johnson (Nash Bridges, which would only be interesting if Steve Austin was coming back too [Ed. Note: He is, but not till March 15.]) and Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite, which can’t possibly be interesting under any circumstance). It may not put asses in the seats, but it sure as hell will allow me to vent any pent up venom I may have next week. So, look forward to that…

Rating (out of 5): 2.7