MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

…Er, sorry, she’s coming out for a match. What was I talking about?

Segment 2 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Kelly Kelly, My Melina, & Gail Kim defeat Maryse, Jillian, & Alicia Fox by pin. Meh. Time compressed, formulaic, no noteworthy spots… not bad though. And I sure as hell have no problems ever seeing My Melina wearing a naughty Santa outfit. One of these days, I’ll need to show her my bag of toys.

Segment 3: We see a pre-show meeting between DX where they head to the ring—in an empty arena—before Shawn decides to go under it. After a moment of complete darkness, DX finds themselves in, supposedly, a whole other building and hallways underneath the ring. Clearly, this is just going to get more stupid as we go along.

They find themselves in Little People’s Court, a courtroom (actually a set in the backstage, like where they conduct sitdown interviews) populated entirely by midgets, including a Rocky Balboa-looking midget presiding as judge. Oh wait, that’s a female midget. I wonder who is more insulted.

DX sits on little chairs. We see a video package of the previous DX/Hornswoggle angles, then cut back to the court. And… we get a voice over as we go to commercial? So, they’re dividing up the torture? Jesus Christ.

I just saved you five solid minutes of idiocy. The least you could do is donate to OO for this service: we deal with the visual waterboarding that is watching WWE week in and week out so you don’t have to.

Segment 4 [6-Man Tag Match]: Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, & Mark Henry defeat Generation Douche by pin. Good match from all six guys. Well, that is, as good as we’re going to see out of any of them in this situation… which of course is an insult against MH, but I think that goes without saying.

We got a false finish shortly after a commercial. Kofi was the Face in Peril, got the hot tag to Evan Bourne, who went House of Fire. He even managed to hit the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press, but Orton broke that up. EB then became the new FIP, including eating a clothesline from Ted DiBiase with the sickest sell ever of the move, like no one else on the roster can do.

A couple minutes after that, he got the hot tag to Kofi, who went House of Fire as well. Pier Six Brawl ensured, during which Orton tagged out to Ted. As MH took out Rhodes and Orton chickenshitted his way up the ramp, Kofi hit the Trouble in Paradise and pinned to finish it.

Segment 5: Johnny Damon, Eve Torres, both Bellas, and Santa are all hanging out in the back for some retarded Christmas party. Eve heads over to get some egg nog, and Carlito appears. He points out that he and she are standing under a mistletoe, so, you know… Eve is disgusted, so Chris F. Masters takes her place. Really.

Carlito shoves Masters away, who shoves him back. Santa appears and declares they should have a match. Carlito pulls down the beard and finds that Santa is Sgt. Slaughter, and declares that he can’t make a match. Damon appears again and thinks it’s a fine idea, so what the hell. As CFM and Carlito leave, Damon and Slaughter find themselves under the mistletoe. And Slaughter wants a kiss. Really.

My IQ is dropping exponentially watching this shit this week.

Segment 6: We come back to the little retarded courtroom to watch another retarded montage of retarded DX/Hornswoggle skits. Judge Female Rocky Balboa declares DX guilty. Shawn turns the melodrama up to 4068 out of 10, and the midgets throw shit at him until he and Trips bail from the room. They escape the hall, and they come crawling back out from under the ring, and run up the ramp to escape their little hands, or some shit.

Ouch, my head…

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats Jack Swagger by submission. Match was all right but nothing special. A little long. If this was against anyone else, I’d call it above-average, but the fact is that we knew 1) Cena would win, and 2) Cena would probably win with the SSTF since Swagger is a technical guy and it seems to be one of Cena’s bylaws that he has to win by submission against technical guys. Lame.

Segment 8: Santa—now played by Dusty Rhodes—is talking to Johnny Damon. MVP appears and wants a Christmas wish… he wants to take on Sheamus. After the beard is pulled down and MVP calls bullshit, Damon shrugs and makes the match.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Chris F. Masters (w/ Eve) defeats Carlito by referee stoppage. Lame. What was really funny was that when CFM came out, he came out to 80% boos and 20% apathy. The match was lame, and resulted in the Full Nelson of Doom.

After the match, Eve came in the ring, gave CFM a hug, then produced a mistletoe to kiss him. CFM’s “beating heart” made his pegs wiggle. Ugh.

Segment 10: The Bella Twins are humping the dumbass in the tiger suit in the back. Meanwhile, Miz is bitching out Santa for not giving him the pants he wanted from like 20 years ago. Turns out that it’s IRS behind the Santa beard, insisting that what Miz really needs for Christmas is an audit.

We digress for the allegedly hot model to appear again and swing at the tiger, who runs off. Miz makes a stupid joke and leaves. Damon appears, and Santa leaves. Mae Young appears and slips Damon her tongue as deeply as possible. Ew.

Mae Young and IRS… is it 1986 again?

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats MVP by pin. Lame as fuck. Ended with the Crucifix Bomb or whatever.

Post-Segment 11: After the match, Cena comes running down and slides in the ring. Though Sheamus prepares for battle, Cena is here with a mic. He says that Sheamus owes him a rematch, remember everyone? So Cena takes off the shirt and demands he gets his match this very second. Sheamus… leaves.

Segment 12: Damon is in the back when Vince McMahon appears. Vince asks if he’s going to do anything about this Sheamus/Cena thing. Damon says sure: next week, Cena vs. Sheamus for the title. Damon then asks a question of his own: any truth to the rumor that Bret Hart is going to be a guest host? Vince runs away without an answer, and Damon calls him a jerk. Heh.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Miz squashes Santino Claus by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 14: A recap montage of the DX/Horny shit from earlier. Seriously, WWE couldn’t think of anything better to fill these wasted 15 minutes with than this? How about, you know, an actual wrestling match? Sweet Allah, I hate WWE sometimes.

Segment 15: Big Show is WALKING~! and is caught by Josh Mathews. Show says he doesn’t like these fake Santas, and is going to the ring to call out the real Santa for a real wish. If he doesn’t get it, he’s going to give Santa the Knockout Punch of Doom.

Segment 16: And here comes Big Show, who gets in the ring presently. He calls out St. Nick, who comes out with the Bella Twins. Santa does come out, and chooses to sit on Show’s knee rather than the other way around. Show is all child-like as he asks for his best friend and tag team partner Chris Jericho to come back to RAW.

Santa isn’t too keen on this idea, since Jericho is such a jerk and a talker. Show says that he’s so smart though, and really wants him back. Santa thinks about it… then goes ahead and grants it. Next week, Jericho will be back! Show even hugs him!

And here comes Hornswoggle, who apparently hasn’t had enough face time boring the shit out of us. He pauses a moment, rips off the beard… and it’s Jericho in the Santa suit! So surprising, I may just wet myself in shock! …Then again, Jericho did do a pretty good alternate voice.

Anyway, Horny retreats from the ring, but then is joined by all the midgets from the courtroom. They try assaulting them, but JeriShow quickly just shove and throw the midgets around. Show even does a walking side slam to one, just to be a jerk. Jericho wants an encore, so he finds Horny himself and throws him in the ring. The crowd starts a “DX! DX!” chant…

But Horny starts tuning up the band rather than waiting for reinforcements. He does Sweet “Shin” Music to Jericho, but Show readies a Chokeslam…

And then here comes DX to make the save, which they do, including a double suplex to Show. As they and Horny stare each other down, Horny pleads not to eat another Pedigree like he did in New York. Trips and Shawn debate this—Trips being on the “pro-squash” side—but they admit that they don’t completely despise the midget anymore. Shawn points out that they asked him to “do something big” to join DX, and that was pretty big. “Can we keep him, Trips? Please???”

Trips says that they have a height requirement, but Shawn has an idea. Trips agrees to it: Horny will drop the gay lawsuit to be the new DX mascot. Horny agrees. “And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!” And Horny breaks his midget-speak to scream “Suck It!”

…And that’s the show. Ugh.

Final Thoughts: Well, that was a waste of two hours. WWE continues to show that it’s past being a borderline idiot and has fallen into the realm of “aquatic monkey retarded.” Next week is RAW’s last episode in 2009, and while I don’t think it can get much worse, it wouldn’t entirely surprise me if it does.

Next week’s guest host is Timbaland. I am, or was, a fan of Bubba Sparxxx, but that’s as close as I’ve come to listening to anything of his. As long as he and Mark Henry don’t do a duet or anything, I think I should at least be able to get through it without Jack Daniels.

Rating (out of 5): 1.5