That’s it from me for now… Let’s get to the show.

Segment 1: We’re busting out our guest host tonight, right off the bat: Mark Cuban. After a bunch of unnecessary cheap pops (they’re in Dallas after all), he gives us some of our matches tonight. We’re going to see Sheamus vs. John Cena… in a debate? Yeah, that’ll put asses in the seats.

And, uh, it’s happening now, I guess, because here comes Cena himself. Oh, wait, this one is actually a match… Superwigger vs. Carlito. Alrighty.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats Carlito by pin. Match was short but story-based. Practically a squash, Cena was on a tear and set up the Five Knuckle Shuffle fairly early. As he started for it, Sheamus popped out of the back. Cuban actually got between him and ramp, then signaled for some Arena Security Staff. That was sufficient for Sheamus to retreat.

Meanwhile, Carlito gave Cena a chop block, seeing as he was distracted. However, as Carlito tried to follow up with a Backstabber, Cena caught him (sorta) and gave him an FU. That was all she wrote… and not a single word from even Michael Cole about these guys’ previous feuds. Guess Carlito has really become that irrelevant.

Aside: We see a commercial for next week’s special 3-hour RAW Slammy Special. One of the preview shots is a nice, wonderful close-up from behind of My Melina doing her split entrance.

MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

Segment 3: Legacy pops out, and Randy Orton wants to talk… pardon me while I make some popcorn.

The gist is that Orton wants another title shot—of course—and threatens Cuban with personal violence if he doesn’t get it. Cuban says that’s not going to happen, so Orton throws a temper tantrum. Cuban goes on that Orton only beat Kofi last week due to luck “because the WWE refs are worse than the NBA refs,” and that they “should have stopped the match when Legacy attacked.” Which is a stupid rewrite of history, since we all know Kofi was begging for the match to continue and the ref just obliged him.

But, whatever: WWE is all about retcons. Anyway, he’s got a match lined up for Orton tonight. It’s a rematch against Kofi… with Cuban being the guest ref.

Generation Douche tries to insist that Cuban needs to respect Orton, since he’s big and bad. A few cheap heat shots later, Cody Rhodes insists that he takes on Cuban tonight in a singles match, and if Rhodes wins, Orton gets a title shot. (Does that make any goddamn sense?) Cuban declines that, and finishes with “Don’t you two have a match to fight already?” Huh?

Oh, here comes Evan Bourne and Primo. Guess it’s a tag match.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Generation Douche defeats Evan Bourne & Primo by pin. Not bad, really, just nothing super-special. No high spot, but very watchable. Match ended with the Dream Street.

Post-Segment 4: Cuban tells our ring announcer (I always forget his name!) that Generation Douche is now completely ejected from the arena. The crack Arena Security Staff arrive to escort them out. So, uh, they don’t get to interfere in the Kofi/Orton match tonight. Woot?

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Maryse defeats Gail Kim by pin. Damn fine match, though short. The finally had Gail whip Maryse to corner, then charge with a jumping body splash to follow up. Maryse moved; Gail caught herself, standing on the second rope with her back to the ring. Maryse then kicked Gail’s ankle, sending Gail to fall straight back and slam her head (well, really, her shoulders) into the mat. Nice and stiff, good fall. Maryse then made her pin, putting her feet on the ropes which the referee magically didn’t see despite being in an adequate position. I guess Cuban was right.

Man… Maryse defeats My Melina one week, then Gail the next? I need to give my divas a stiff talking-to.

Post-Segment 5: Kelly Kelly was our guest ring announcer for some reason, and announced Maryse the winner. Maryse exited the ring and demanded that K2 announces her as “the next Divas Champion!” K2 shoves her, Maryse shoves her back—K2’s head missed the corner of the announcers’ table by centimeters—and then My Melina ran out to make the save while wearing an absolutely intoxicating outfit.

Segment 6: Degeneration X is the in back, in front of a Christmas tree, to pimp some new merchandise. Hornswoggle appears too to pimp a T-shirt as well. Stupidity ensues.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Randy Orton by pin. Match was decent, made good by Kofi’s efforts of course. The end game saw Kofi whiffing in Trouble in Paradise, and Orton countering with his headlock backbreaker. Orton stalked as he usually does, but when he went for the RKO, Kofi blocked it. Kofi actually managed to do a crucifix pin, or whatever you call it, as a counter. Cuban ran up and did the fastest three-count in history, much to Orton’s dissatisfaction.

After the match, Cuban said that he’s been waiting since the RKO at Survivor Series 2003 to get revenge on Orton, and here it was. Further, he hypes the Kofi/Orton match taking place this Sunday at TLC.

Segment 8 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Miz defeats Mark Henry by pin, and retains. Match was clean… a little boring, but that wasn’t Miz’s fault. Match ended when Miz went for a top rope flying crossbody. MH caught him and readied the World’s Strongest Slam, but Miz countered it with a tilt-a-whirl DDT. That was enough to do it.

Segment 9 [Mixed Tag Match]: Eve Torres & Hornswoggle defeat Jillian & Chavo Guerrero. This was the diva show, as the guys didn’t tag in. The match wasn’t really bad; Eve has shown massive improvement since she started with WWE. She’s come a lot further than Boobies McTitsalot ever did, that’s for goddamn sure.

Still, it wasn’t like the match was anything valuable. It ended with Eve doing a forward senton, landing her ass on Jillian’s ribcage.

Post-Segment 9: Eve and Horny celebrated, which just pissed off Chavo, who started smacking around the midget. This summoned…

No. No. DEAR GOD NO!!!

Chris. Fucking. Masters. And sweet lord above, the fans are chanting “Mas-ter-lock! Mas-ter-lock!” Chavo pokes CFM in the chest, which of course makes CFM do his pec flexing… then he does go ahead and slaps on the Full Nelson of Doom to a crowd that responds like the Rock just walked down the ramp. Ladies and gentlemen: a face turn, and I die a little inside.

Geez… Sheamus gets a title shot and Chris F. Masters is a face. Have I been consuming mass quantities of hallucinogens and not realized it?

Pre-Segment 10: Chris Jericho comes out for his handicap match. He blathers in his normal prose: entertaining, yes, but nothing new… well, at first. I mean, the rest of his monologue isn’t new either, but he makes it TLC-centric, and does it well.

Segment 10 [2-on-1 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: DX and Chris Jericho wrestle to a no contest, I think. Match was all right, but short. Jericho was beaten down, so out of desperation, he threw the referee into Trips to break the momentum.

From there, Big Show came down, and all hell broke loose. Trips tried to even the odds with a chair, but Show just did his Knockout Punch to the chair and sent it into Trips’s face. HBK tried to get a ladder, but Jericho stopped that from happening too. The heels then used the chair and ladder in tandem to beat down DX, and that was basically it.

The final image was Jericho setting up and climbing the ladder, then holding his tag title belts in victory whilst Show stood on HBK’s head and Trips was unconscious. Nice visual.

Segment 11: It’s time for our main event angle: Cena and Sheamus debating like it’s a press conference. Seriously.

I’ll save you time. Cuban asks a question. Sheamus blathers, Cena says “no comment.” Cuban asks another question. Sheamus blathers, Cena says “no comment.” Cuban asks the third and final question. Sheamus starts to blather, Cena says “Man, you talk a lot” and the proceeds to cut a stupidly long hyper-intense promo, which includes his resume as it always does. As he does all this, Cuban discreetly leaves moves to the side. Gee, I wonder why he’s doing that. Cena’s only good line: “You better back up what you say at TLC, or I’ll make you a footnote in WWE.”

Of course, it breaks down to a fight. Well, not really… they get in each other’s faces, and Cuban stupidly tries to get between them. Sheamus shoves Cuban as a result. As Cena looks to makes sure Cuban is okay, Sheamus gives him his bicycle kick to put him down. Yawn… how predictable.

Sheamus fetches a table, kicks Cena in the head again, then leans the table against the corner. Cuban actually gets to his feet first, and even mans up enough to get in Sheamus’s face. Cuban then shoves Sheamus… to the ground! Sheamus looks as surprised as I do. The announcers are smart enough to point out that Sheamus just lost his balance rather than was actually forced down so he maintains his credibility.

Sheamus gets back to his feet and gets in Cuban’s face. After a pregnant pause, Sheamus gives him a knee to his gut. Sheamus picks him up, holds him in spinebuster position, then drives Cuban through the leaned table. Cena is still unconscious on the mat.

Sheamus screams that he’s the new WWE Champion. Three Dallas Mavericks, who were sitting with Cuban in the front row, hop over the barricade. Sheamus decides he doesn’t like 3-on-1 odds, so he bails, though he again announces he’s totally the new champ as he goes up the ramp.

Cena gets back to his feet and gives a cold stare to Sheamus, who stands at the stage. The Staredown of Intensity holds as we fade out.

Final Thoughts: Well, I’ll be damned: the main event angle didn’t entirely suck. Sheamus shows he can talk. I mean, he’s no Jericho, but I’d be willing to say that Sheamus’s wording and verbal self-confidence beats John Morrison (though he lacks Morrison’s overall charisma in my humble opinion). Sheamus’s speech was a hell of a lot more convincing than Superwigger’s, who continues to show that he is a cartoon of himself.

The rest of the night wasn’t bad, but nothing was special either. Sort of like SmackDown, there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot of progress, but it was definitely watchable. DX/JeriShow was decent, the Kofi/Orton story was done well even if the match itself was (intentionally) low-key, and the divas proved that there are at least three (possibly up to five) ring-capable women on RAW. Even Jillian seemed to have some ring presence that she doesn’t normally have.

Of course, all things related to Horny were unnecessary, and if Chris F. Masters turning face means he’s going to be on my television more than five minutes a week then I should start to call my supplier for more cyanide pills. And Miz/Mark Henry had zero reason to exist, though I suppose that’s better than having Miz absent from the show entirely. Poor guy didn’t even get a chance to say that he’s awesome.

So I give this one a thumbs-middle: not really a must-see, but you could do worse for two hours.

Next week is going to be a three-hour special, so check those DVRs. It’ll also be hosted by Dennis Miller, making me sort of hope JeriShow wins at TLC so we can see a Miller vs. Jericho Thesaurus Throwdown.

Rating (out of 5): 2.3