I’m past the ad box and have shit to do after the show, so let’s get to it! As always, I write this recap assuming you know what happened last night. If you need to get caught up to speed, check out Rick’s recap of Survivor Series.

Pre-Segment 1: Oh shit! RAW started an hour early! I forgot this was the three-hour special one! Fuck!

Well, thank God my DVR decided to actually function for once. I’ll get to check the whole thing out from the beginning.

Segment 1: We get to open the show with our guest host, Jesse Ventura!

…Except it’s Randy Orton. Joy. He comes out—taking forever to walk to the ring since it’s a three-hour show today—gets in the ring, talks slowly too as usual. He opens with the genius observation that the normal routine is that the guest host is already interrupted, and that Orton doesn’t care about that and is breaking from the routine… though he fails to see that he did the exact routine. Dumbass.

Orton wants Ventura to lift the no-rematch clause currently applied to him, backing up his logic by essentially saying “Me wanty.” Dumbass.

Ventura comes out presently, sporting a little douche ponytail despite having a hairline that is receding all the way to the base of his neck. He opens by promising that he’s totally about wrestling tonight, there is no “the governor” bullshit tonight, and says that he totally respects Orton’s style and abilities. Then calls himself a great governor who wants a revolution. Dumbass.

Ventura has a big announcement here, and it has nothing to do with Orton. Specifically: the same people have gotten too many shots at the title, mirroring exactly what we’ve been saying at OO for years. He and Orton run down the list of people who aren’t getting the title shot, including Trips, HBK, Jericho, Show, and so on. After running down the names, a vocal (but minor) section of the crowd fires up a “Kofi! Kofi!” chant. WWE wouldn’t be so moronic to blow that load this early in the Kofi/Orton feud, would they?

Ventura is setting up a tournament of sorts tonight. The qualification to get involved here is to have never been WWE Champion before. The winners of all these qualifying matches will be in a battle royal later, with the winner being #1 contender. Ooo, I like, I like!

Ventura runs down our card for tonight: John Cena vs. CM Punk just for the hell of it (woo hoo, cross-brand goodness on free TV!), Hart Dynasty vs. DX (we’ll see if HBK and Trips are cool with each other), and our main event of this #1 contender thing going on. Sweet. And the first qualification match… is now!

Post-Segment 1: You want any real proof how well this Kofi/Orton feud is going? The first guy out for the next segment is Kofi himself. He bounces around as usual, and bounces down the ramp… but he slows halfway down it. He and Orton start to cross as Orton goes to the back. Kofi and Orton take slow steps… slow steps… slow steps… stop. They stare at each other from about a foot apart, and you feel the tension and rivalry between them.

As they finally start to separate, they continue to watch each other until Orton speeds his pace about halfway up the ramp. At that point, Kofi flips the switch and bounces around again to goose the crowd into more cheers. You know there is something interesting going on when Orton standing there like an idiot and just staring is actually compelling TV. Amazing.

Pre-Segment 2: After commercial, the announcers clarify something in the whole main event thing. The qualifying matches here are cross-brand, so obviously the main event will (likely) be cross-brand as well. Whoever wins the battle royal tonight will be #1 contender for his respective brand. Who knows what will be of the other brand? We’ll approach that when we get there.

Segment 2 [Singles Match, winner goes to the main event battle royal]: Kofi Kingston defeats Dolph Ziggler. Pretty obvious conclusion here, but a decent match. I still maintain that Ziggler’s got some talent, but isn’t flashy or unique enough to warrant much attention… though I’m trying to retain optimism.

Match was basically a heel beatdown with Dolph doing head-targeted offense. Kofi finally recovered to hit his Boom Drop or whatever the hell it’s called, then went for the Trouble in Paradise. DZ ducked it, then went for his Backstabber, but Kofi held the ropes to block it. As DZ stood up, Kofi then successfully hit the Trouble in Paradise.

Segment 3: Part of this whole Thanksgiving thing WWE is doing tonight, wrestlers are going to tell us what they’re thankful for. Miz is first, and starts off by being thankful he’s US Champion and that everyone loves him and respects him, that he’s the best US Champion ever, that his team won at Survivor Series, and that he was the only RAW guy who won at Bragging Rights. (Amazing how PPVs have become so irrelevant that I forgot about this entirely even though it happened just a few weeks ago.)

Then Miz changes his mind and decides he’s not thankful for any of that anymore, because all of that is expected. Instead, we should be thankful for him, because he’s the Miz, and he’s AWESOME!

Segment 4 [Singles Match, winner goes to the main event battle royal]: Sheamus defeats Finlay by pin. Match was short and practically a squash. Finlay did some decent in-your-face offense at the beginning, going so far as to fling him over the announce table. Once the match tried to go back in the ring, Sheamus booted Finlay as he tried to get in. From there, Sheamus dominated, and ended the match with Celtic Cross.

After the match, Sheamus started to leave, then came back and assaulted Finlay some more. Sheamus ended it with his bicycle kick that sent Finlay over the barricade and into the crowd.

Segment 5: Theodore Long starts to tell us what he’s thankful for, but Vickie Guerrero, who is sitting beside him, interrupts. She says she is thankful that she’s got power and influence now. Eric Escobar decides to speak English here, and calls her eye candy. Vickie asks him to pass the mashed potatoes (they’re doing these idiotic segments at a banquet), and T-Long readies to fling the bowl of mashed potatoes into her face. Unfortunately, Eric gently takes the bowl as T-Long goes for it, then grosses all of us out by taking some of the potatoes on his finger and slowly licking them off. Ew.

Segment 6: Ventura is in the back, and Orton appears to beg to be placed into the battle royal. More blathering later—which includes a plug for Ventura’s new show—and Ventura concludes that he’ll never break the rules, ever. Is that supposed to be a reference to something that happened in his political career? I didn’t exactly follow it, since I don’t live in Minnesota.

Anyway, Orton sulks away without another word. Dumbass.

Pre-Segment 7: Oh god, here’s CM Punk to talk. He says that he is thankful for being so totally straightedge, and he’s thankful he’s different and better than us. He prattles more, but keeps it relatively short, unlike his stupid promo from SmackDown.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: John Cena defeats CM Punk by pin. Match was decent, but the crowd was cold here: aside from Cena’s usual fan club, no one wanted to cheer for him, and certainly no one wanted to cheer for a self-righteous douchebag. They didn’t really have that instant chemistry or anything, but they showed some good shit that can easily be built on for any future matches.

A really cool false end game was near the end. Cena went for an FU, but Punk landed on his feet from that. Punk then booted Cena in the gut, set him up for the Go To Sleep… but Cena landed on his feet and grabbed Punk’s leg, then smoothly took him down and slapped on the STF. Punk did manage to get to the ropes, but the whole sequence was sharp enough and dramatic enough that the crowd finally took some interest.

The true end game was about a minute later. Cena was thrown into the corner, but when Punk tried to go for a running crossbody, Cena dodged. Punk lay on the ropes, kinda spanning the little corner. Cena ran over, held him in FU position, and… and then climbed the ropes? Okay, that perked the crowd up too. Cena stood on the second rope, then jumped forward and gave an FU with a twist on Punk. It landed cleanly, and Cena’s pin sealed it.

Segment 8: Ventura is in the back, and Vince McMahon appears. They prattle, and Ventura finally gets around to his point. Ventura says that Vince was an announcer because Vince Sr. wanted to protect his talentless son, and we’re going to revisit the past: he and Vince will be the commentating team tonight for the main event! Not just that, but Ventura is going to dress him like he was in the old days, including the cherry red bow tie. The crowd is seeming to eat this up for some goddamn reason, but it’s really not that entertaining. Interesting, maybe, but not that entertaining.

Segment 9 [6-Man Tag Match, winners go to the main event battle royal]: R-Truth, MVP, & Mark Henry defeat Chris F. Masters, Chavo Guerrero, & Jack Swagger by pin. Match was lame: it was too short to build anything and too bland to have any excitement. Pass.

Segment 10: DX is in the back. Shawn looks nervous, like he’s about to get chewed out by a mom after she caught him breaking a lamp. Trips… well, looks like that mom. Or something.

Trips opens by asking what was up with the Superkick out of nowhere to open the triple threat match last night. Shawn tries to explain, you know, it was for the championship… and besides, he figured Trips would Pedigree him immediately. Trips immediately goes all shifty-eyed and goes, “Uh… was not.” And the tables turn, with Trips suddenly breaking the lamp and Shawn being the mom.

Trips fesses up to it, but then insists the conversation is totally not about him. “You kicked me three times last night! What was that?” Shawn says it was his dodgy eye, that he was really just aiming for Cena.

Then we hear a throat-clearing. A midget gives DX a paper… looks like Hornswoggle is now suing DX, and it’s going to take place in the Little People’s Court next week on RAW. Trips makes a couple short jokes, and we’re out to commercial. Rick will probably eat this up—“Everything’s funnier with midgets!” he insists—but I’m not buying it.

Pre-Segment 11: We’re about to have an Evan Bourne vs. Primo match as a qualifying match. Bourne hits first, followed by Primo… who is attacked halfway down the ramp by Randy Orton. Orton flings Primo off the ramp, who smacks head-first into the stage, then runs into the ring and demands the bell to be rung. The ref refuses.

Ventura gets on the Titantron, says that rules are meant to be broken, and goes ahead and authorizes this. Ventura then pulls a page out of Orton’s dictionary and declares that “persistency pays off.” Jesus Christ.

…Oh wait, Merriam-Webster tells me that “persistency” is a legit word. Still: this sucks.

Segment 11 [Singles Match, winner goes to the main event battle royal]: Randy Orton defeats Evan Bourne by pin, goddamnit. Match was short without much substance, almost a squash. I’ll admit that Orton had a neat move late: when EB went for a springboard crossbody, Orton caught him and smoothly transitioned into a powerslam. After that, Orton hit an awfully shitty RKO, though to be fair it could be Bourne’s short height that fucked things up.

Hmm… A shitty trailer is shown for the shitty The Marine 2. I wonder if this means Ted DiBiase will be changing soon.

Pre-Segment 12: A lame 6-diva tag match is coming up, a special one called Pilgrims vs. Indians. The heels come out first, dressed as pilgrims. Michelle gets a mic, and I quote: “It’s Thanksgiving and here we are, dressed as pilgrims? How original. They’ve made us do some stupid things in the past, but this? This is by far the stupidest.” Amen, sister. Now convince WWE to stop being idiots in regards to you and Mickie James.

…And then it’s announced that our guest timekeeper is the Gobbledy Gooker, some douchebag dressed as a turkey. The crowd is giving him exactly how many laughs he should be going: zero. Dumbass.

After a commercial, the faces come out dressed as Indians, coming out to Tatanka’s music. Sigh. I can’t even bring myself to do my trademark Melina catchphrase, especially since she doesn’t have the decency to do her splits.

Segment 12 [6-Diva Tag Match]: My Melina, Kelly Kelly, & Mickie James defeat Jillian, Michelle McCool, & Layla. Match was lame as fuck. Melina was the only face who actually participated. She basically got a heel beatdown that lasted 30 seconds, but when Jillian was tagged in, she started her comeback. After that, Michelle and Layla just left, so Melina did some double-leg take down pinning bridge something-or-other and won.

So, let’s recap: Melina does no splits, has bike shorts on under her dress, doesn’t hit any finisher, doesn’t bother with any Screaming Orgasm, and still wins after 90 seconds? I hate you, WWE, I really hate you.

Post-Segment 12: Wait a minute… they’re not leaving. Jerry Lawler gets in the ring to interview My Melina! Yay, more face time for my favorite diva ever!

…And the fucking turkey gets in the ring too. Shit.

Then Melina gets all girly about how she’s so totally happy she won— The hell? The fucking turkey is attacking Melina? Oh, it’s Maryse!

I’m about to type a sentence that I bet has never been typed before on the Internet: “She then removes her turkey head and beats her with it.” I need alcohol.

Maryse then disrobes entirely—her little short shorts showing a little butt cheek, which I always appreciate—then does her little bend-and-snap and leaves. This whole sequence of her disrobing took a good two minutes at least just because the turkey’s legs were stuck on her boots.

Segment 13 [Tag Match]: DX defeats Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) by pin. Match was decent but nothing special, perfect formula and teamwork by all sides. HBK started things off being Face In Peril from start to finish, until he got the hot tag to Trips. End game saw DH Smith pick Trips up for a facebuster when HBK gave him a Superkick. Trips followed up with a Pedigree, and that was it.

Post-Segment 13: Chris Jericho pops out and announces that, per Jesse Ventura, we’re going to see DX vs. JeriShow in three weeks for the Unified Tag Titles at the TLC pay-per-view. Jericho insists that Show is on a personal vacation; Trips counters that because they’re in Hersey, Pennsylvania, the truth is that Show is in the chocolate factory and ate so much they can’t get him out of the door.

Jericho dismisses that silliness and says that DX is stupid and all about jokes. Shawn gets back on track and says that this is serious, that what Ventura didn’t tell him was that at TLC, we’re going to have table matches, and chairs matches, and ladder matches… but that this tag team title match is going to run the fully monty of a true TLC match. And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got—

Jericho cuts him off and goes on that he hates the pandering catchphrases, then hits his own semi-catchphrases of gelatinous this and sycophants that. Jericho points out that DX has never been the tag champions regardless of their accomplishments, and they will remain non-champions. “As long as we have the titles, YOU never will!” Technically, that is true. Think about it.

Segment 14: Rey Mysterio’s music hits, crowd pops… but it’s Batista who comes out… to cheers? Whoops, you fucked up, WWE. They’re just not booing him. The announcers are trying, god bless them, but the crowd is absolutely rebelling against the heel turn tonight.

Bats blathers that Rey is so totally injured and will spend his Thanksgiving in the hospital (CHEER???), and that he cost Bats the title at Bragging Rights or whatever (“You can’t wrestle! You can’t wrestle!” Really???) Blah blah blah, more talking about how much Rey sucks. (“HORSESHIT!” some guy yells. What the fuck?)

He prattles that he hopes someone from RAW wins the battle royal tonight, because if it’s an SD guy, Bats is so totally going to come out and kick his ass immediately because he doesn’t want anyone standing between himself and Undertaker. “Undertaker is mine, and no one else is going to embarrass me!”

BOOM! Here comes Kane, asking what exactly constitutes embarrassment to Bats. Does interrupting a promo constitute embarrassment? And if so, whatchya gonna do about it?

Kane drops the mic, we have a bit of a staredown, and Bats leaves. Halfway up the ramp, a vocal minority starts cheering for Bats as Kane blows his pyro. Seriously, if it wasn’t already mentioned that we’re in Hersey, I’d put money on the fact that we’re in the Bizarro World of Canada.

Segment 15 [Tag Match, winners go to the main event battle royal]: Generation Douche defeats Cryme Tyme by pin. Meh. But this does set up Ted or both to turn against Orton tonight in the main event, as you know that Orton is going to try to get them to help him out.

Post-Segment 15: They run down the eight guys involved in the main event battle royal: Mark Henry, MVP, Ted DiBiase, R-Truth, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Kofi Kingston. Yeah, doesn’t that sound like it’ll keep asses in the seats.

Segment 16: The absolutely smoking Gail Kim is there to tell us what she’s thankful for, but Alicia Fox interrupts that she is thankful she wasn’t the first one pinned on her team at Survivor Series *cough*Gail*cough*. Gail grabs a pie, as does Alicia (sadly not each other’s), and demands they’re going to stick their pies in the other faces. At least, that’s what I’m hearing.

Santino appears and says that ‘tis not the season to fight… since they’re women, ‘tis the season to cook. The girls both pie Santino, then leave. The Bellas appear, and Santino says that they are Italian they and understand women should cook for men… So they pie him and leave. Eve appears and starts to towel Santino off, who says that she should be honored for doing so… so she pies him and leaves. Santino is sick of this, and despite the footsteps of another approaching female, he throws up his hands in disgust and leaves… and his thrown up hands hit the pie carried by Vickie Guerrero right into her face. Santino leaves, Vickie cries, and we’re done.

Harmless fun, with an absolutely stellar opening shot of Gail. Man, she’s pretty.

Segment 17 [8-Man Battle Royal, winner is #1 contender for his brand’s top belt]: Sheamus eliminates Kofi Kingston. What. The. Fuck? John Cena… versus… Sheamus. For the WWE Championship. When, exactly, did I take the bus to Crazy Town?

The final three included Orton. Orton chucked Kofi the top, but Kofi held on. As he skinned the cat, Orton ran up. Kofi locked his legs around Orton’s head, then flipped him over the top rope. So, yeah, okay, Kofi gets another moral win over Orton… but then Kofi gets sent over the top by Sheamus. By fucking Sheamus.

What. The. FUCK???

Segment 18: After a commercial, Sheamus is still in the ring, because we’re going to have a contract signing here. As usual with contract signings, I only give the Pyro’s Notes. Pyro’s Notes is like Cliff’s Notes, just with more cynicism and swearing.

It’s pretty vanilla for the first half of this, with Cena going hyper-intense and so on. Then, something amazing happens: when Sheamus cuts his promo, it’s vanilla, but it actually works. He promises to do worse to Cena than what he did to Lawler, Jamie Noble, and the one camera guy.

After the signing, Ventura tries to turn heel here by saying that he knows there’s a conspiracy to keep Cena champion due to his having the “look,” that guys like him stopped guys like Ventura from ever getting a shot. “After all, I never got a shot at the title!” This… leads to cheering. Unbelievable.

While Cena gets offended and gets in Ventura’s face, Sheamus does his running bicycle kick. The crowd responds to this with “Jesse! Jesse!” Un-fucking-believable.

Sheamus then does a scoop slam to Cena through the contract signing desk to boos. Jesse declares that the title match at TLC will be a Tables Match to spattered cheers. Sheamus holds up the WWE Championship title to more boos. And so, our final shot of WWE RAW tonight… is Sheamus.

What. The. Fuck?

Final Thoughts: Really, I’m torn here. Shakeups are great, we needed something fresh to make WWE interesting again. But… Sheamus? Has he earned this?

Okay, gotta try to keep myself objective. This is clearly Sheamus’s “breakout” moment, and really we need to see Cena knocked down a peg now and then. Sheamus has never given us a bad promo, but nothing really interesting or exciting. We’ve seen the “monster heel squashes everyone” gimmick before and we’ve seen it tank horribly, but giving him a moral victory over Superwigger is certainly something. It gives him some credibility that other monster heels like Drew McIntyre don’t have yet.

The rest of the show was… uh… different. Kofi again gets a moral victory over Orton, which is great for that story. No other rivalry advanced at all, and some were ignored; Mickie/Michelle was given zero attention, but this is RAW rather than SmackDown, so I guess that’s understandable. Maryse is back, which is nice; it’ll give the face-heavy RAW divas someone to deal with. However, all the undercard men, well, they were pretty much pushed into the shadows.

Don’t get me wrong: I get it. This is a special “super show,” ergo some of the basic rules of the pro wrestling formula are out the window. And considering what all went on tonight, and the fact that there weren’t many specific rivalries going on last night, clearly we’re in a reset for the whole brand. Here’s my optimism: it can’t be worse than the dreck we’ve been dealing ith for a few years… can it?

Rating (out of 5): 3.2