I’m down to the last 20 videos or so for my guide, which I should be able to bang out tomorrow. That means I should be picking up Borderlands no later than Wednesday, which would be awesome. I may not be at the peak of my health, but I’m definitely closer to recovery than I was over the past weekend, and I’m definitely fit enough to shoot a bunch of aliens with 200,000 guns in a first-person shooter from the comfort of my chair. If you own the PC version of Borderlands and want to team up to shoot some shit up too, drop me an e-mail! I’ve not gamed for pleasure in about a month, and I can use the break.

Segment 1: Ricky Hatton is announced as our guest host straight out of the box… he’s a boxer, it seems, though damned if I’ve ever heard of him. (At this point, I know more guys in UFC than I do in all of boxing’s alphabet federations combined.) As he comes out, it’s about 60/40 boos-to-cheers, for whatever that’s worth.

He talks—showing zero charisma in the process—and is shortly interrupted by JeriShow. Show makes fun of Hatton, who responds that Show totally got punked out by a boxer before, i.e. Floyd Mayweather for those of you with short memories. Show responds that he’ll give Hatton the same offer he gave Mayweather, that he’ll give Hatton a free shot, with the stipulation that Show gets to counterpunch afterwards.

Hatton starts to go for it, but Jericho stops him, claiming that Show has enough problems to worry about with the upcoming Triple Threat match. Show asks what’s up with that, Jericho replies with his resume as usual, including claiming that he totally beat John Cena last week single-handedly. Show retorts that he will be the new champion, so there.

As JeriShow start to get in each other’s faces, Hatton just randomly makes a match to put them against DX. Jericho goes on a thesaurus-driven rampage as usual, whipping out a gem by calling the fans “dentally-, hygienically-challenged plonkers.” I need to use that one at work. (What is a “plonker,” anyway?) Hatton tells Jericho to get out of his face with all his fancy talk, which upsets both heels enough to surround him.

As it looks like it may come to blows, that’s when DX decides to make their grand entrance. Trips rhetorically asks why JeriShow insist they need to mess with guest hosts, as they’ve been humiliated by the likes of Shaq and Bob Barker before. Trips assures us that they’ll destroy the tag champs tonight. Shawn insists, forget “tonight,” let’s just do it now! …and punches Jericho in the face, who powders out. Show slowly takes his jacket off, unbuttons his cuffs… then bails.

Trips nonsensically says that that’s not any surprise, because there’s only one DX, just like there’s only one Ricky Hatton. Hatton adds DX’s catchphrase, then poses with them as they do the trifecta crotch-chops to X pyros. Whee?

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Alicia Fox (w/ Jillian) defeats Kelly Kelly (w/ Gail Kim) by pin. Match was lame, but what do you expect with two of the least-talented (in-ring, that is) divas? Matched ended with a running scissor kick.

The divas’ valets (for lack of a better word) didn’t do anything, though Gail was wearing a smoking hot yellow top with tight jeans. Yellow is definitely her color.

Oh, and My Melina was watching in the back. MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

Segment 3: Ricky Hatton is WALKING~! and bumps into John Cena. Cena asks why he’s been left off the show, and Hatton basically non-answers. He does mention that if Cena had a tag team partner, there could have been a match for him, but he didn’t so there isn’t. Hm.

Pre-Segment 4: It’s mentioned that Jamie Noble is contemplating retirement after Sheamus’s attack. Sheamus himself is out here to talk, and says how awesome he is, and will totally destroy everyone in the UK, like Ireland routinely does. Well, that gets him some nice cheap heat, them being in England and everything, but still…

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Sheamus squashes Some Guy by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 5: The Bella Twins “interview” Hatton in the back, allowing him to pimp his clothing line that no one cares about. Is anyone else curious as to the exact design of Brie’s crotch tattoo?

Santino Marella materializes and does something unfunny that I won’t dignify with a recap, and Chavo Guerrero materializes presently as well. After some silliness where Hatton throws a dart better than Chavo, Chavo challenges Santino to a match… Hatton says that he will take on Chavo instead, which makes Chavo scared. I’m not buying this, but the crowd likes it, so whatever.

Segment 6: Josh Mathews interviews Miz in the back, who hypes his upcoming Survivor Series match, which is a traditional Survivor Series elimination match, in which he captains a team vs. John Morrison’s team. Miz starts to hit his catchphrase, and Jack Swagger materializes to insult him. They go back and forth a bit; it has little substance, but is pretty damn funny and extremely entertaining. The point of this exchange is that we’re going to see Swagger in a match for the next segment, and Swagger promises that he is so talented that the other members of their Survivor Series team will totally want him to be the captain, not Miz.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Evan Bourne defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Match was decent, with JS doing most of the offense early. As it looked like he was ready to hit his finisher, Miz’s music fires up. Miz comes to ringside but just stands there. JS is upset, but starts to suplex Bourne. However, Bourne knees Swagger twice while vertical, then delivers a roundhouse kick to JS when he lands. Swagger is floored, so Bourne heads up the ropes, then hits the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press, holding it for the pin.

Miz magically finds a mic and speaks over Bourne’s music, claiming that this proves he is in the best position to be the captain… because HE’S THE MIZ… AND HE’S AWESOME!!!

Segment 8: MVP does his MVP Lounge segment, with Mark Henry as his guest. While MVP is in his street clothes, MH is in his Kool-Aid outfit for god knows what reason. …Oh wait, MH isn’t the guest (which means he’s got even less reason to be in ring attire), he’s the co-host of this silly segment. They’re here to introduce the actual guest, Kofi Kingston. Of note, a fan is shown wearing a Santino shirt and “dancing” to Kofi’s entrance song… I’d drink a liter of sulfuric acid if I was shown doing that on international TV.

Anyway, our faces blather, basically all about how Kofi has beaten down Randy Orton, and how Team Kofi at Survivor Series will destroy Team Orton at the PPV as well.

And here comes Orton, who gets in the ring with the rest of Generation Douche. Orton has the audacity to say that these three guys are total criminals, what with the vandalizing and stealing of wins. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase give MVP some Queer Eye for the Straight Guy advice. Orton adds that the three of them were born in the industry and belong there; and that these three belong in the hood, because they’re black. Or at least, the implication is there. Kofi slaps Orton… and we fade out. How stupid.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton (w/ Generation Douche) defeats Mark Henry (w/ MVP & Kofi Kingston) by pin. Match can be summed up in three words: chinlock vs. bearhug. If that’s compelling TV, well, I’d like whatever drugs the WWE “Creative” Team are taking. Match ended with an OMG RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!.

After the match, Kofi nonsensically checked on MH. Orton when given the chance to totally hurt Kofi, chooses to slap him, rather than doing another OMG RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~! or something. Orton then chooses to stand there like an idiot, letting Kofi slap him back. Orton then runs away. Our #1 heel, ladies and gentlemen!

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Ricky Hatton defeats Chavo Guerrero by knockout. Lame.

Segment 11: Cena has a stupid conversation with Hornswoggle regarding the DX gimmick infringement. Horny hides as DX comes into the locker room, and they confront Cena over where Horny is hiding. This leads to an allegedly hilarious cartoony conversation like last week, but falls flat this week. The punch line here is that Horny, when he rematerializes, is wearing Cena’s gear and does the You Can’t See Me taunt to DX. Again: allegedly funny, but falls flat. Meh.

Next Week: It’s announced that next week’s guest host will be Rowdy Roddy Piper! Woot!!!

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: DX defeats JeriShow by pin. Good match, but formulaic. Trips was the Face In Peril, finally made the hot tag to HBK, who went House of Fire. After hitting four of his Five Moves of Doom, HBK whiffed on his Sweet Chin Music. Show illegally got in the ring and squished both HBK and Jericho into the corner. When Show went for his Knockout Punch, HBK ducked it, and Jericho ate it. As Show looked on in horror, Trips appeared and clotheslined Show over the top. HBK made the pin, and that was it.

More interesting than the match itself was Cena, who came out for guest commentary. And let me tell you: Cena is one fine color commentator. He had his wigger dial completely off, as well as the retarded hyper-intensity that he normally has. He was calm and cool, and was hyping the triple threat main event by pointing that there will be, at some point during that match, some altercation between DX; and how the story will be what exactly happens to DX after that altercation. Further, he posits, what if HBK pins Trips or vice versa? What happens to DX on RAW the next night? Very interesting storyline possibilities there.

Post-Segment 12: After the match, Cena stands up on the commentators’ table for no reason as it’s announced what the main event will be next week. It’s a triple threat tag team match! We’re going to see DX vs. JeriShow vs. Cena and—oh dear god, don’t let it be Hornswoggle, I’d sooner drink two liters of sulfuric—

Lights go out? Holy shit, it’s Cena and Undertaker! No wonder Cena is smiling like an idiot! Man, I am stoked for next week!

Final Thoughts: Overall, this night didn’t really accomplish much. Other than the two triple threat main events for Survivor Series, it seems all the matches for the PPV are going to be traditional Survivor Series-style matches, which means there’s not a whole lot of story progress going on. The angles were dry or boring other than Miz/Swagger,

Let’s run down the matches tonight: women’s match was lame, Sheamus’s squash was lame, Orton/Henry was boring and lame, and Chavo/Hatton was stupid and lame. Swagger/Bourne was pretty good, and had actual storyline implications, setting the stage for some Miz/Swagger feuding goodness.

DX/JeriShow didn’t do much other than proving that DX still has team chemistry and JeriShow kinda does but kinda doesn’t, both of which play into their respective triple threat matches. Cena’s guest color commentary was actually the highlight of the main event; he did such a good job that Jerry Lawler pretty much kept his mouth shut for the duration.

And next week… well, I’ve made zero secret of how much I’m a mark for Undertaker. Throw in the fact that Roddy Piper is the guest host—clearly one of the best possible candidates to fill that role—and I have a feeling the whole night is going to rock.

As far as this week goes… meh. It’s certainly not a must-watch, and not really a should-watch, but it’s not bad. I mean, if you regularly watch your DVRed copy, go for it; but if you only watch episodes once I recommend them (as arrogant as that sounds, I know some of you do, and I have the e-mails to prove it!), then you may want to skip it. Next week sounds much more promising.

Rating (out of 5): 2.3