Meanwhile, SmackDown vs. RAW 2010 comes out tomorrow. It will probably be in my hands on Wednesday, whereupon I will write the IGN Entertainment strategy guide as I did last year. Of note: IGN is asking me to make some videos of each wrestler’s finishers and signatures. With a roster of 67 wrestlers, that’s about 67 minutes of FINAL footage; each final minute of footage will take me a good five to seven minutes to set up and record, which will be pretty annoying.

 
Okay, Snoop Dogg is out guest host tonight, so let’s get to the show. Here’s hoping he gives us a Melina Goes Wild match!

Segment 1: We’re opening with Snoop Dogg hitting the ring right off the bat to a moderate pop. He comes to the ring accompanied by the Bella Twins and someone I don’t recognize… is that Eve Torres? Ah, yes, it is, as Michael Cole tells us. Good lord, she was dressed so conservatively that I had no idea who the hell she was.

Snoopy tells us that RAW is so totally going to beat SmackDown at Bragging Rights, but then says that tonight might be John Cena’s last night on RAW depending on if he loses to Randy Orton. Snoopy hypes Cena vs. Trips tonight… and says that it’s only fair if Orton fights as well, so we’re going to see him face Ted DiBiase. Hey, continuity! Oh, and Shawn Michaels is taking on Chris Jericho tonight. Wow, I’m just impressed that he’s just announcing all the matches off the bat and getting it done right the hell now rather than stringing it along over the course of ten minutes.

Speaking of “right the hell now,” Snoopy goes ahead and introduces Degeneration X, who hit the ring presently. Snoopy retreats as DX takes the ring, and say that according to law, whenever Snoopy is around, white guys have to try to talk like him and fail miserably at it, which they do.

Trips goes from that to throwing up a picture of Team SmackDown, and proceeds to insult them all in turn:

Jericho: “Who Shawn and I beat on separate WrestleManias.”

Kane: Shawn says, “Didn’t you have a thing with his ex-girlfriend once?” To which Trips replies, “Yeah, but I didn’t really like her much… she was a real stiff.”

Cryme Tyme: “You can see them at SmackDown arenas in the parking lot, trying to sell unsold tickets.” Ouch.

Dolph Ziggler: “The guy who introduces himself to people, but I can’t remember his name.”

Drew McIntyre & Eric Escobar: “I don’t even know who those two guys are. What’d Teddy Long do, have a ‘Guess How Many Jelly Beans Are in the Jar’ contest and the winners got on the team?” Bwa ha ha ha!

Shawn does know who Drew McIntyre is, then says that Eric Escobar (but not by name) is the toughest guy that DX will ever know, as he’s “boffing Vickie Guerrero.” Trips: “Like I always say, if you’re going to sleep your way to the top, you should do it with someone who weighs less than you.” And I guess we all know that Trips would know about sleeping his way to the top, huh? (Hilariously, Shawn says the same thing.)

Trips laughingly says that that’s sure a crack team they’ve got going, but how it pales to Team RAW, which then comes down the ramp. By my count, Team SD has 1-1/2 main eventers, and Team RAW sports 3 and two-halves. DX gives a bit of pep talk to all of them, except Cody Rhodes, who takes it personally. Cody goes on that DX are captains in name only, and that if the team was about talent, he’d be the captain, and he doesn’t need anyone else from Team RAW to win. Hell, he won’t even tag anyone in!

And that’s when Big Show decides to step up in Cody’s face… or, more accurately, the space two feet above Cody’s face. Show admits that he doesn’t care if DX is insulted but if he feels Cody will let the team down at all, then Show will personally take him out. And that goes for… each… and… every single… one of… you…

And Mark gets in Show’s face about that… and Jack Swagger is convinced he’s athletically ahead of both of them. Kofi tries to play peacemaker, but Trips cuts him off because Kofi’s accent magically disappeared for those lines. Heh.

Shawn brings Team RAW back around and says that Kofi is right, that we have to focus as a team. Still, DX knew that there would be in-fighting among Team RAW. Ergo, DX has booked a five-on-five tag match tonight. He says that if any of them are pinned, that person is off Team RAW, and whoever pinned them takes their place.

Trips: “And that match will be later tonight… oh, what the hell, let’s do it now!” And MVP’s music fires up as he leads down a team comprised of Evan Bourne, Chavo Guerrero, Chris F. Masters, and Primo Colon. Christ.

Segment 2 [10-Man Tag Match]: Jack Swagger et al defeats Primo et al by pin. Match was short and lame. The final amount of offense was all done by Cody Rhodes, but after hitting a jumping DDT, Swagger tagged himself in and made the actual pin, then celebrated like he did all the work. Of note, Primo was wearing a pair of red slippers that, if he tapped his heels together three times, would more than likely wind up back in Cuba or wherever the hell he’s from.

After the match, despite the win, fighting starts among everyone, with Show doing the exclamation point Spear against Mark Henry. Oh noes, Team RAW is going to totally lose on Sunday!!!

Segment 3: Josh Mathews interviews Ted DiBiase in the back, who says that he pinning Randy Orton last week is exactly what Orton would have done too. Orton then appears and says that DiBiase totally betrayed him. DiBiase directly asks: wouldn’t you have done the exact same thing? Orton thinks about it, but then answers with “We’re about to have a match, but we’re not.” He prattles, basically getting to the point that he wants DiBiase to lay down for him. Obviously, that won’t; obviously, DiBiase is probably starting a face turn to hype The Marine 2, which if memory serves was supposed to be out in July.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Ted DiBiase by pin. Like Rick did a few weeks ago, I busted out my stopwatch. From the opening bell, it took Orton 23 seconds to hit his first move, a simple forward kick to TD’s gut. Then, it took another 17 seconds for him to hit his next move, a European uppercut. Twenty-two seconds later came a stomp. Twenty-one more seconds came a punch whilst TD was still grounded. Orton sped things up at this point, his next stomp coming “only” ten seconds later. The pace slowed again as we had to wait 13 seconds for the next stomp. Over the next 60 seconds, literally, Orton allowed TD to get up, pushed his face three times, shoved him once in the chest… and that was enough to get TD to actually shove back, which actually fucking made the crowd pop (maybe because they were finally awake).

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: the guy that WWE wants us to buy as the #1 heel of the company, heralded for his toughness and strength and brutality, the man who is interesting enough to have a one-hour match against the #1 face of the company, has just spent a total of 2 minutes and 46 seconds hitting 6 moves (half of which were stomps) and doing 4 pushes, then fell victim to a single push. And people wonder why Rick and I can’t stand Orton or WWE’s pushing of him? Jesus Christ.

TD pretended be angry and/or constipated for god knows how long (my stopwatch itself fell asleep at this point), then crapped his pants I guess and looked relieved. Damnit, the potentially future Mrs. Falkon asked me how long this was taking, so I had to check: 83 seconds until the next move, which was the match-ending RKO.

Well, that certainly redefines “compelling television.” Sigh.

Segment 5: We get a video tribute of Captain Lou Albano. Godspeed, buddy. It ends with the narrator saying: “Often imitated… never duplicated… never forgotten.” Awesome. Check it out on YouTube or wherever if you’ve got a minute to spare.

Segment 6: After a sneak preview to a music video that Snoopy just vomited out to the public, we cut to the back, where Snoopy and the aforementioned divas are chilling. Hornswoggle appears, and soon Chavo appears and they get in each other’s faces. Horny gives him a DX chop, then runs off.

Chavo essentially lets that go, then demands of Snoopy that he gets on Team RAW. Before Snoopy can make a decision, Jillian appears and demands a Divas Title rematch tonight before “singing” “Gin and Juice.”

This is cut off by… oh dear god, have I been smoking something? It’s Santino Marella dressed like Charlie Brown. That’s right: yellow T-shirt with the squiggly black line and a bald cap with a single hair. Santino wants to kick it with the Red Baron. Snoopy tells them to get their asses out of his office while he gets… the bag… with his stash…

We get a splash screen saying RAW has technical difficulties, and when we get back, we see smoke everywhere. Snoopy says that he totally needed his special stash… of scented candles! They have various scents, he says, including “fresh cut grass.” Santino has not left the room, and says “Good grief!” to the smell. Hm… not funny, but +10 for effort, I guess.

Pre-Segment 7: It’s time for the obscenely overhyped “possibly final match for John Cena on RAW.” The possibly future Mrs. Falkon took one look at Cena’s T-shirt and said that the logo resembles the Chiquita Banana logo. She then busted out a parody to the Chiquita Banana song: “I’m a Chiquita Banana and I’ve come to say / To kill John Cena there’s an easy way / You hit a Pedigree and slam him on the floor / And you watch John Cena slide right out the door.” Clearly, as you can tell from my recaps, she is the more creative one of us.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Triple H defeats John Cena by pin. Match was above average here, made better from the absolutely on-fire crowd. Cena must have drank a Red Bull before the match as his selling from Trips’s counters were a little extra bouncy, but nothing odd.

There really wasn’t a major story told here, and there were no exceptional high spots. The draw came from the finisher goodness: Trips kicked out of an FU, and Cena kicked out of two Pedigrees. The second, he kicked out a little fast from which convinced me he would wind up doing a typical Superwigger comeback. No dice though: he went for a second FU, which Trips reversed into a third Pedigree, and that was finally enough.

After the match, Trips offered a Handshake of Mutual Respect, which Cena accepted. Trips left, leaving Cena to salute the crowd. Cena left to mostly cheers but a definite additional chorus of boos. He flashed his Word Life hand gesture on the stage, again to mostly cheers, then left through the stage.

Well, they’re certainly selling this like it’s Cena’s last night on RAW, and frankly, him moving to SmackDown wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Guess we’ll see in six days how that’s going to play out, huh?

Pre-Segment 8: Miz hits the ring for a singles match against Some Guy. As Some Guy gets introduced, Snoopy appears on the screen and tells us that after his riffing on Marty Jannetty on SmackDown, Snoopy arranged to have Jannetty as his actual opponent tonight! (Potentially future Mrs. Falkon: “He’s been Mizdizzled!”)

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Miz defeats Marty Jannetty by pin. Match was alright but nothing special. Match ended with Miz’s finisher, which I keep forgetting the name of.

Pre-Segment 9: MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!! Poor thing tripped on the steel steps coming to the ring and gave a little shrug, giggle, and apology before doing the split. Woo hoo!

Segment 9 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: My Melina defeats Jillian (w/ Chavo Guerrero) by pin, and retains. Match was short and relatively lame. Every time My Melina had any sort of offense, Chavo would hop up on the apron to distract her and the ref. After the second such distraction, Horny popped up and pulled Chavo off, which distracted Jillian. This gave My Melina a chance to reverse whatever the hell she was in into a Johnny Cage Split Leg Drop of Doom and Pyro’s Pants-Creaming Pin (sadly, without the Screaming Orgasm) and won the match.

Post-Segment 9: Chavo hopped in the ring and pushed Horny around. Snoopy then hit the ring. Chavo pushed Horny anyway, then gave a love slap to Snoopy. Horny dropped to all fours and went behind Chavo, and Snoopy clotheslined Chavo.

That was enough to piss off Chavo, so Chavo disrobed and charged… right into Snoopy’s standing Spear. Heh… poor Chavo. He really needs to retire.

This summons the rest of the divas for no reason (including Gail Kim in an absolutely alluring Little Black Dress) to “dance” like idiots in the ring. That is, except for Horny (Jerry Lawler: “Horn-swizzle!”), who actually out-danced Snoopy himself. Sad.

Next Week’s Guest Hosts: …are NASCAR drivers Kyle Busch and Joey Logano. I know of Busch by name only but I have no idea who the fuck the other guy is. And I have a feeling that, unless RAW is in Kentucky next week with the country’s only source of NASCAR-loving redneck douchebags, no one is going to care who the hell they are or what the hell they do.

Segment 10: Jericho and HBK are out here for their main event match. Jericho bails after a second to grab a mic, and he talks some shit… saying, in fact, that he doesn’t need to send a message to Team RAW. “I’m the best in the world at what I do,” blah blah blah, “We’re going to humiliate you, starting now.”

And here comes Cryme Tyme? Cryme Tyme hits the ring and chases HBK out of the ring, but then Kane’s pyros blow. Kane leads Dolph, Eric Escobar, and Drew McIntyre to the ring as well. They don’t bother going after Shawn, and instead just get in the ring to blow pyros.

Jericho’s point, he starts to say is that while Team RAW bickers, Team SD is totally united. However, his speech is cut off by DX’s theme music. Trips leads the rest of Team RAW down the ramp, and they all get in the ring.

The 14 men stare each other down for a minute or so. Trips gets a mic and congratulates Jericho: “You’ve shown us that despite our petty differences, none of us like you, or your team, or your show.” Trips says that while they walked onto RAW, they’re about to be thrown off it.

In comes Vickie Guerrero, looking progressively uglier as usual. She says that she can see where this is going… therefore, because she is an official SD consultant, she will not allow it. She orders Team SD to vacate the ring, which for some reason Jericho is happy with.

Trips gets the mic and dismisses Jericho and his team. “You have to listen to your boss and don’t want to get in trouble.” Pregnant pause. “Oh wait… you are in trouble, because we don’t work for Vickie Guerrero.” And the brawl is on!

…And we fade out. Bah.

Final Thoughts: Meh. I had more fun with the show and mocking it than you probably will watching it. The opening and ending of the show continue to try to sell us this so totally intense feud between RAW and SD like it’s Yankees vs. Red Sox, but no one with half a brain is buying it. Ditto the Lethargy drama, and again I have no idea how WWE expects to convince us to buy a PPV featuring an Iron Man match where one of the participants tops his own record for Longest Amount of Time Televised Doing Nothing. Cena/Trips was fun but the other matches were lame, and… uh… that’s the whole show in a nutshell. I guess other than Cena/Trips and the Lou Albano tribute vid, you may as well skip this one.

RATING (out of 5): 2.3