And hell, we’re frickin’ Wal-Mart: punitive damages in lawsuits are usually in the six- or seven-digit range! Is it really worth the risk of all that, not to mention the attacks on my conscience, to circumvent laws? And in an absolute worse-case scenario (which I doubt will ever come to pass, but…), if the health department sees enough violations and/or we make customers lethally sick, the whole store gets shut down and over 300 people are out of their jobs. Again, this is all just because my former coworkers don’t want to take a little time to do things the right way.

Except for the most impatient assholes, even customers are willing to sympathize with this. I mean, what customer in his right mind will ask you to just skip sanitary procedures and policies just to serve him five minutes faster? And I like I told my coworkers and managers, I’m not going to be responsible for giving anyone anything as minor as a little indigestion, let alone something more serious. I know I tend to be loud and ranty in general (not just in precaps), but something like customer safety and health is something serious enough that my usual melodrama takes a backseat to some very real dangers that can result from this issue being ignored.

It appears that my managers, to their credit, are headed in the right direction. They didn’t know this was going on since most of my coworkers don’t make these shortcuts known, probably because they KNOW that management won’t approve. I don’t know what else I can do other than testify (hopefully necessary in the most informal ways) as to what goes on in there, and pray that the people who can fix the problems do, and hold responsible those who are risking the health of the customers and company by being impatient and spineless. I just hate the environment of that department, and doing a shift there now and then reminds me why the hell I transferred out last year in the first place.

Segment 1: We cold-open to Chris Jericho, who hypes Bragging Rights, which apparently will include a 14-man tag match (7 from RAW vs. 7 from SmackDown). CJ says that while he is allowed to appear on both shows, he feels himself a “cornerstone” of SD, and has been named SD’s team captain.

CJ starts to say that he’s going to so totally get a kickass team together, but one of the guest hosts appears and says that rather than starting off RAW with CJ, we really want to start it with Degeneration X! …But the show already started, which means the guest host lied to us. Bitch.

Her name is, uh, Nancy O’Dell. Like I said last week: should I know who these hosts are? They’re from Access Hollywood or something, a show that I know in name only. Should I care?

Segment 2: We cold-cut to the arena proper, and DX’s music fires up. Triple H only comes out, and after making his entrance, he tells us that apparently Shawn Michaels isn’t here tonight. Shawn didn’t tell Trips he’d no-show until the last-second. Trips says: “I could do nothing and just accept it and let it go… or I could be a true friend and call him and badger him on live TV.” Bwa ha ha ha! Obviously the crowd is game for that, so Trips hits Shawn up on his cell and sticks the arena mic against it.

Shawn is at first not picking up, so we hear his answering machine message… which is Shawn singing along to his own theme with new lyrics: “I think I’m cute / I know I’m sexy / But I’m not at home or on the other line / So leave your name / And a message / And I’ll call you back another time.” Also hilarious!

We then hear Shawn scramble and pick up the phone. Apparently Shawn’s daughter is sick (“I’ve got most of the vomit out of my hair now”), and that he just read her a bedtime story. Trips turns this into a plug: “Did you read her a story from the Official DX History book?” Shawn responds: “What, are you kidding? Of course I wouldn’t read her anything from that piece of tr— I mean, yes, that’s exactly what I did.” Damn, DX is on tonight.

Unfortunately, that’s all there is. After the plug, Trips wishes Shawn well, and he kills the line. As he then starts to plug Bragging Rights, JeriShow hits the ring, much to everyone’s chagrin. Trips wanted them to help him with their book plug, but Jericho just chucked the book out of the ring to a chorus of boos. Jerk.

Jericho blathers, again, that he’s the captain of Team SmackDown and how awesome SD is overall, “it’s better than RAW because I’m on it,” and so on. Trips counters, using lines like “SD has ‘awesome’ wrestling, like the exploits of Khali.” Bwa ha ha ha!

Jericho goes on that even though Big Show is technically on the RAW roster, he wants him on the SD team because they’re partners. Trips plays a little psychological warfare, saying that he understands that, because he knew that Jericho is the boss of JeriShow whilst Show himself is just the little peon subordinate. Show argues (casually) that he carries the team, which leads to a lover’s quarrel between which one has embarrassed himself more. Show plays the trump card: “At least I didn’t get punked out by a 200-year-old fossil named Bob Barker.” Jericho: “I told you before, I’ll fight Bob Barker anytime, anywhere.” Trips is enjoying this immensely.

After a bit more bickering away from the mic, Show walks over to Trips and declares that he is going to be on Team RAW! Crowd cheers! Trips: “That’s awesome man! Everyone hear that: Big Show wants to be on Team RAW! …Unfortunately we don’t have any spaces open.” Show displays a face expression perfectly mimicking a child who missed out on the last Transformers action figure because another kid grabbed it first.

Trips goes on: “But don’t worry, because I talked to our guest hosts, and if you want to get on Team RAW, you just need to beat your opponent tonight.” Show is game, until he realizes the opponent is Chris Jericho. “Oh, and that match…? It starts now.” And Trips leaves without another word.

Good stuff, man, from start to finish.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Chris Jericho by countout. Match was silly and stunt booked, but entertainingly so. CJ played chickenshit the whole time, eventually tumbling out of the ring and feigning a knee injury. Show went to check on him, and when the ref’s count hit seven, CJ magically healed and tried for the ring. Show caught him and threw him back out, then dove into the ring himself. CJ couldn’t truly answer the ten-count, and that was it: Show is now part of Team RAW!

Segment 4: The other guest host, Maria Menounos (who is ugly as hell and who I also don’t give any kind of shit about), is in the back to interview Legacy. They’re totally psyched to both be part of Team RAW for Bragging Rights… but Menounos reports that they won’t be.

Menounos goes on that DX is in charge of all the qualifying matches for Team RAW tonight (who the hell knows why?), and that Legacy will be in a triple threat match. Whoever wins gets to be on Team RAW. Legacy starts to argue about this as they don’t want to fight each other under any circumstances, but then it occurs to Ted DiBiase: “Wait… who’s the third opponent?”

Menounos responds that it’s John Cena, and walks away with a satisfied dopey smile on her face. Legacy, clearly, isn’t thrilled.

Segment 5 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Jillian defeats Mickie James by pin, and is the NEW WWE Divas Champion! …Um, really?

The match was like two minutes long, and featured “reversals” from Mickie that really just looked like botched spots. The ending was, uh, weird… Jillian was in the corner, and Mickie charged her and jumped. Jillian kinda fell straight down on her butt, then grabbed the back of Mickie’s pants to powerbomb her (which did look rather stiff). Jillian then rolled Mickie up and put her feet on the ropes to cheat, and, uh, won. It was so quick and out of left field that even Jerry Lawler had trouble believing it really happened.

Post-Segment 5: Jillian freaks out in true Academy Award Acceptance Speech Mode, then “sings” a song I’ve never heard of before, apparently called “Paparazzi.”

In mid-song, Nancy O’Dell comes out and announces that she made a trade with SD GM Theodore Long (guest hosts have that kind of power? Since when?), and Jillian must defend her new title right now. And RAW’s newest diva “is very familiar with the paparazzi.” Does that mean…?

YES! IT’S MELLLIIINNNAAA!!!

Post-Post-Segment 5 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: My Melina defeats Jillian by pin, and is the NEW WWE Divas Champion! My Melina hit the Screaming Orgasm Pyro’s Fantasy as her second move and won the match. Oh, and: just for me, she gave a nice little ass shake-and-grind before doing her split on the apron. She loves me!

Announcement: Next week, our guest host is Snoop Dogg. Hm, that’s got some potential.

Segment 6: Triple H is talking to a cardboard cutout of Shawn Michaels, though Shawn is on the phone again. After a second, Hornswoggle comes into the room dressed like Shawn, then Superkicks the cardboard cutout. As Trips tries to save the cutout, Horny takes him down, DX chops him, then runs off. Meh, not quite as funny as the opening bit, but what the hell.

Segment 7: Santino Marella is in the back with the guest hosts. Santino tries out for Access Hollywood (don’t ask), when Beth Phoenix materializes and flings Santino out of the way. She gets in the hosts’ faces and demands to know why she’s been traded to SmackDown. Interesting. Beth demands to undo the trade, and threatens to kick the shit out of both of them.

Menounos makes the wise-ass comment that everyone is happy she’s off RAW now. Beth grabs Menounos by the throat, shoves her against the wall, and asks if she wants to repeat herself. Santino pulls Beth off of her, then declares that Menounos could so totally kick Beth’s ass. The guest hosts don’t want it to go down, but as usual, Santino makes the match for them. I guess all the divas on RAW are going to be involved in this one, or something. (The GMs have the power to make trades but not to decline being in a match just because some third party wrestler wants it? I’m thinking too hard again, aren’t I?)

As a parting shot, Santino says: “Hey Beth, I just want you to know that every time you and I were intimate, I faked every ‘organism’!”

Segment 8 [Triple Threat Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Ted DiBiase by pin and outlasts John Cena. Match was way too friggin’ long and was what you would expect for 99% of it, with Legacy double-teaming Cena and Cena himself doing his wacky offense for Superwigger comebacks. Eventually, he slapped on the SSTF on DiBiase. DiBiase held out long enough to have Randy Orton appear and distract Cena. Orton didn’t touch him, but Cena was sufficiently distracted to break the hold. As the men got up, Rhodes gave a quick schoolboy rollup to DiBiase and ended it.

Post-Segment 8: The whole of Generation Douche argued inside the ring. Nancy O’Dell appeared on the Titantron, then announces a bizarre tag match for tonight to calm them the hell down: Generation Douche versus Randy Orton and John Cena? Really? That’s… odd. And all it does is gets everyone more excited and argumentative.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger defeats MVP by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. Match ended with the Swagger Bomb, and Swagger now is on Team RAW for the Bragging Rights main event.

Segment 10: Generation Douche is arguing in the back hallways. Orton declares that he is simply refusing to play ball with Nancy O’Dell, and will refuse to tag himself in once their silly tag match starts. Logic defies Orton again: if indeed he and Cena are teaming up, then really the smart play is for Orton to just kick Cena’s ass as well, since there is no penalty for attacking your own teammate, as we’ve seen a million times. So if Orton had a shred of intelligence, rather than “not tagging in,” he’d want to tag in and just commence a 3-on-1 beatdown of Cena with Legacy. God, I hate Orton.

Instead of any semblance of intelligence, Rhodes declares that DiBiase is thinking about pinning Orton, and DiBiase declares that Rhodes is thinking about pinning Orton. This leaves our intelligence-defying WWE Champion to declare: “Well, if either of you are thinking any of those things… well… then… you better… just… keep on… thinking!” Why don’t you follow your own advice there, buddy?

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Evan Bourne by pin. Good match, though short, and still probably a sliver of what these guys can really do with each other. Plenty of fun counters, especially midair counters, which just looked stiff. In fact, the finisher was when Bourne tried a springboard something or other, and Kofi hit him with the jumping spinning roundhouse (the Trouble in Paradise, I think it’s called) in midair. Nicely done, but I’d still like to see these guys get a full 10-minute match against each other.

Segment 12: Trips in the back again and talking to the Shawn Michaels cardboard cutout again, complete with bandages on its “head” after Hornswoggle’s HEINOUS~! attack from earlier. The guest hosts come in and, well, the conversation is stupid (though it’s implied that Trips had his face buried in Menounos’s crotch for 15 minutes as he was teaching her the headscissors move).

Chavo Guerrero then materializes and asks what the hell is going on between DX and Horny exactly. Trips insists that they’ve got nothing to do with each other, and that he’d totally sue Horny for gimmick infringement. Chavo doesn’t believe him, and also is upset that he didn’t have a chance to compete for a spot on the RAW team. Trips signals Menounos, who kicks Chavo in the crotch. Poor Chavo.

Segment 13 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Kelly Kelly (w/ Nancy O’Dell) defeat Rosa Mendes et al by pin. Match was pretty lame, though the sad part was that Menounos showed she was actually more ring-capable than Candice Michelle ever was (and it’s arguable that she was about as ring-capable as Kelly Kelly was in general). However, it’s sad when the delicious Gail Kim is downplayed in favor of her… but whatever, I’ve got Gail and My Melina on one show now!

Segment 14: Miz is introduced and hits the stage to talk. He hypes his match at Bragging Rights… which will be against John Morrison. Miz: “John was nothing but a hairdo with abs. That’s right, he’s the new Richard Simmons!” Bwa ha ha ha!

The draw here, other than their history as greatest tag team ever (according to Miz), is that we’re going to see the US Champion vs. the IC Champion. If this was a plan to unite those belts as well, I’d get behind it more, but sadly I assume it’s a champion vs. champion non-title deal.

Pre-Segment 15: Prior to the next match getting underway, Orton says that he called Snoop Dogg earlier tonight, warning him that next week is Cena’s last RAW ever. Therefore, Snoop Dogg has already booked a match, and it’ll be “one of the biggest in John Cena’s career”… but he doesn’t say any more.

Segment 15 [Tag Match]: Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes defeat Randy Orton & John Cena by pin. Match was stupid for all kinds of reasons. Cena was out to start the match… so why didn’t Orton just fucking leave instead of staying on the apron and holding the tag rope? Cena eventually tagged him in, though Legacy didn’t do anything but pin attempts on Orton.

Meanwhile, Cena was amused by this idiocy… so what does he do? He stands on the apron holding the tag rope instead of just leaving! So when Orton tags him in, he’s got the nerve to act surprised for having his own tactic thrown in his face!

Two seconds later, DiBiase (legal) is flattened, so Cena starts the Five Knuckle Shuffle, though he does the You Can’t See Me taunt to Orton. Orton proceeds to be angry enough to tag himself in… then he proceeds to attack Cena. Why the hell is choosing to do it now? Just because of the friggin’ taunt? So stupid and illogical… so very, very fucking stupid. Anyway, Orton beats on Cena for a second, then DiBiase comes and gives him a schoolboy rollup out of nowhere for the win.

Post-Segment 15: As Orton bitches about being pinned, Legacy leaves. Cena uses that opportunity to give Orton an FU. Yay?

The Titantron then reveals that next week, Cena will take on Triple H for his possibly last-ever match on RAW. Cena actually looks worried about this… I guess if Cena is Superwigger, then all those DX glowsticks are filled with kryptonite?

Final Thoughts: Meh. Night wasn’t bad, I guess, though it had entirely too much Cena and Generation Douche for my taste. The guest hosts were worthless, and no match was particularity exciting. Several matches had the potential, but just didn’t have “it” tonight. Seeing My Melina is always a plus, but objectively and seriously (and right now I’m too tired to be my normal jovial self I was half a recap ago), even she can’t pull a boring show from the depths of, uh, boringness.

Nothing outright bad, but outright nothing. Par for the course, really.

RATING (out of 5): 2.5