Segment 1: Donald Trump out to start the show, hoo-rah! He says a whole lot of nothing, including cheap pops that RAW is totally our show, and he’s totally a better owner. (Question: if Trump now owns RAW, why does WWE have its logo in the bottom-left corner? Answer: because this angle sucks.) Trump also announces that he’s going to give a fund to everyone in attendance for anything they buy, including their tickets. Now if he can just give me back the two hours of my life I’m going to be spending on this, it’d really be awesome!
 

Cena gives us a stage whisper that usually at this point, Miz will be “picking up his teeth.” But Cena is in too good of a mood, so he’s actually going to give Miz what he wants… a PPV main event against Cena at The Bash.

Cena turns ultra-serious, listing off some of his negative issues from the last few months, such as being booed like shit at WrestleMania, but that he is still here, strong as ever. He gives us some imagery about how totally strong the SSTF is, and that when they fight on Sunday, Miz will have “brought a knife to a gunfight.” Cena continues to prattle, finally saying that Miz isn’t a “reality show has-been, you’re a WWE never-was.”

Cena then tells him that this is the part of the show where Miz needs to turn around and retreat, and pray that he lives through the match this Sunday. Somehow, this gets the crowd loudly cheering for him.

Miz then punches Cena in the face, then bails. Cena just laughs it off and lets him go.

Segment 3: We see a video clip of Vince McMahon chewing out his driver after his limo breaks down, and getting offended that he may have to walk to a gas station or to the arena. He decides to ride piggyback style on his driver for a couple steps… when the dude falls over, Vince kicks him in the ass, then tells him to call someone.

Two questions: Why is there a cameraman nearby to record all this, and who gives a flipping shit?

Segment 4 [6-Man Tag Match]: Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, & Khali (w/ Translator) defeat Dolph Ziggler, Edge, & Chris Jericho by pin. Match was decent, though short. End had some craziness with everyone hitting their finishers, including Jericho with a Codebreaker on Khali (which he basically no-sold since he can’t drop that fast). Jeff hit the Swanton Bomb to end things.

After the match, CM Punk, who was on guest commentary, got in the ring and held up Jeff’s hand in victory. At first, Jeff thought it was the ref, but once he realized who it was, he smacked Punk’s hand away and left while Punk gave him a little smirky smile.

Segment 5: Vince is backstage and knocks on Trump’s door. Santina Marella appears says unfunny shit, then is dismissed. Vince knocks again, and Trump appears, telling him that his office is down the hall. Vince makes it clear he needs to talk to Trump later, which Trump agrees to, then dismisses him. Santina then says something to Trump, who replies that she’s fired. The camera is unmoving, but Santino appears from stage right as Santina disappears from stage left. Nice trick, I suppose… does this mean Santina is done?

Pre-Segment 6: Primo and Carlito are out for a match, but want to talk first. They question the sexuality of Generation Douche, then declare they’ll totally win against them at The Bash.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes (w/ Ted DiBiase) defeats Primo (w/ Carlito) by pin. Match was all right, but nothing special. Clearly, both guys work better with their tag partners than alone. Match ended a little dirty, with Primo hitting a flying crossbody, but Cody rolling through and grabbing the tights for the pin.

Segment 7: Vince’s “office” winds up being in a locker room, which upsets him. He’s upset further when his locker roommates are Goldust and Hornswoggle. GD suggests that because Trump is into hair, Vince should wear his long wig. Vince angrily chucks it, then ejects GD and Horny.

Vince walks a bit further, and his name plate is on a bathroom stall. See, it’s funny, because that’s his office! And then Festus comes out after flushing the toilet! SMELL THE HILARITY!!!

…Actually, the fact that Festus was reading The Wall Street Journal while doing his business is a little amusing. But it’s definitely no saving grace to the fact that we’ve seen Vince three times so far tonight, of which zero (0) of those appearances have been worth anything.

Segment 8 [Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Title]: Triple H and Randy Orton wrestle to a draw, so Orton retains. Match was a good spot-fest, with both guys wrestling all over the place. Triple H’s knee became the story from the beginning, with Orton targeting it from bell to bell.

A ladder came into play two-thirds of the way through the match. In one spot, Trips grabbed the ladder and tried to drive it into Orton’s face, but he ducked… so Trips blasted one of the crew guys who times the pyro explosions. Ouch.

At the end, Orton set the ladder up, and wrenched Trips’s head, then climbed two rungs up. Orton went for an RKO from this position, but Trips pushed him off. When Orton turned around and went to counter, Trips threw the ladder into his face. Trips then went for and landed a Pedigree on the steel stage. Problem with this was Trips’s injured leg… Orton couldn’t answer the count, but Trips couldn’t either because his legs couldn’t support him.

After the match, refs hit the area to help both guys up. Trips took the opportunity to give Orton a Punt Kick of Doom, though they played Orton’s music as he lay there. Trips left peacefully otherwise, and Orton followed a minute later.

Segment 9: Maryse is back stage and is come across by Miz. She tells him to go away, once again, until he does something “impressive” against Cena. Miz thinks what he did early tonight counts, but Maryse disagrees. He tries to defend himself, but she puts a finger on his mouth—which Miz then sniffs—and repeats “do… something… impressive!” She gives him a sultry eye and leaves as you can tell the wheels spinning in his head.

Segment 10: Trump hits the ring, again. He tells us that rather than naming a General Manager for RAW, he’s going to have a celebrity every week to play the GM role… up to and including other WWE personnel, such as titlists. Hm…

Trump again asks for some cheap pops because he’s promises to “give us freebies” (how about something for the best damned All You Need To Know recapper), and that the biggest thing ever will be WrestleMania 26.

And here comes Vince, half-power walking to the ring. He says he’s unhappy about how much money he’s losing out on with this deal, and that the people here don’t deserve their money back at all. He also says that he’s heard rumors that Trump is going to do RAW commercial-free and with free admission every week. Vince declares that if he were to do that, he’d be bankrupt in six months.

Trump counters that the rumors are true (really? commercial free every week?), and that since he bought the place, he can do whatever he wants to, thank you very much. Vince then has some sort of epiphany that Trump has done all this just to bankrupt him, that it’s all a conspiracy. Vince offers to buy back RAW for the exact price he sold it for, and essentially call the whole thing a wash.

Trump laughs in a very Trump way, then declines the offer. Vince ups the offer, which Trump declines again. Vince ups again, Trump says no. Vince ups again, Trump… accepts? What the fuck? So this whole angle just lasted a single fucking show? What was the point? Vince then gives the “You’re fired!” line to Trump, which I’m sure made him cream his pants.

Trump, for his part, slaps Vince in the teeth. Bodyguards appear to separate them as the idiotic crowd continues to chant for Trump. God, I’ve lost all my IQ.

Segment 11: After some match hype, Vince runs into Generation Douche in the back. Vince orders Rhodes and DiBiase to leave the building, then checks in on Orton’s health. Vince threatens him, that in six days at The Bash, he’s going to take on Trips again. It’ll be 2 out of 3 falls: first match will be standard, second will be falls count anywhere, and the third will be a stretcher match. Man, Vince suddenly gets cheered like crazy. At least there’s some degree of continuity there, I suppose.

Segment 12 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Mickie James & The Bella Twins defeat Rosa Mendes, Beth Phoenix, & Maryse by pin. Match was pretty good, with the Bella Twins actually not making my eyes bleed for once, as they actually, you know, wrestled. Mickie got the hot tag toward the end, going House O’ Fire while the Bellas guarded her from the illegal women’s interference. Mickie ended things with a sweet Sweet Chin Music that I really, really hope becomes part of her permanent arsenal.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats John Cena by pin. Story here was Cena’s injured ribs being the target, sorta like Trips’s leg in the earlier match, but much, much slower and dumber.

At the end, Cena went for the SSTF, but Miz appeared and distracted Cena. Cena stood, which made Miz hop down from the apron. Show went for the knockout punch, but Cena countered by lifting him up for the FU. As Cena tried to adjust his weight, Miz again hopped on the apron and pushed Show, so Cena fell forward and had Show land on the back of his head. Show quickly made the pin, and it was over.

After the match, Miz got in the ring and taunted, including doing Cena’s “You Can’t See Me” taunt. No physicality ensued, however.

Segment 14: Orton is dressed and starts to leave the arena. Trips appears out of nowhere and takes him down, then drags him to a car with a coincidentally open trunk. He positions Orton halfway in the trunk, then slams the lid down on his back. Orton flops down, sitting against the car. Trips sits down beside him, threatens that he’ll take Orton to hell on Sunday, then leaves as Orton winces.

Final Thoughts: As some feared, the lack of commercials just added to the amount of crap, rather than the amount of substance. I concede that a Last Man Standing match is usually impossible due to commercials, and Trips and Orton really stole the show in their match. The rest of the matches ran from crap to decent, but the commercial-free gimmick didn’t really add much to it.

But the whole Trump thing, dear god… They end it this week? They did this whole nonsense for one measly show? I know that WWE couldn’t actually do too much with the whole commercial-free thing, but did they really just have to blow their load with what boils down to a single throwaway segment? I mean, given that Trump’s appearance tonight was purely cursory, when you add up all the time Trump and/or Vince were on-screen selling an angle that turned out moot two hours later, that probably makes up the time that would have been filled with commercials. In other words, it was all a wash, and totally lame… and damn me for being somewhat surprised. This isn’t “sustainable episodic TV”… it’s just fucking lame.

Can’t wait for SmackDown, though.