The other one I checked out was Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. It wasn’t bad, and it perfectly spoofed the whole rock legend documentary genre like Walk the Line and Ray. I wouldn’t watch it again, aside from the scene of Jenna Fischer in a silky nightie. Although, speaking of Jenna Fischer, my god did they do a good job with makeup in Walk Hard. Other than the fact that she was still anatomically very shapely, I was easily able to buy it at the end of the movie when she (and John Reilly for that matter) was supposedly in her 60s. Three stars out of five for a perfect spoof.

In other news, tomorrow (or rather, today, by the time you read this) is the release of The Sims 3, which I am absolutely stoked about. I’ve made no secret here that I write for IGN Entertainment, and I made my name and reputation on my strategy guides for The Sims and The Sims 2, and all their expansion packs. With a new core game coming out, I’ve got another outlet to prove that I am indeed the greatest strategy guide writer in the industry, and I’m anxious to get started on it. With a month off school and a reduced workload from my day job, I can step up my game and deliver the absolute best piece of writing I’ve ever produced. I can’t wait!

Post-Precap: I checked out the Gail Kim profile on MyTV after SmackDown (though I so totally didn’t watch the news just for that). They asked her about the risks involved in pro wrestling, and she said that she has broken her collarbone and “ruptured three implants.”

I just want to take a moment to say: Don’t worry, Gail. I’ll be very, very gentle. Provided strategy guide writers turn your jet engines (like you extend my landing gear), anyway.

Segment 1: Orton is in the ring, in a steel cage specifically, as we cold-open the show. That means we were spared the long-ass walk to the ring, though apparently Orton makes it up by standing there… standing there… standing there… standing there… sigh… standing there…

Orton finally blathers vanilla words about that he’s not worried about Batista, but Batista should be worried about him and his Punt Kick of Doom, especially since their title match at Extreme Rules will be No Holds Barred (which, as I mentioned before, is redundant as a cage match already is).

Orton goes from this to saying that tonight, Bats gets to take on either Cody Rhodes or Ted DiBiase get to face Bats in a cage tonight, which I’m sure Bats is scared of. It comes down to a coin flip, which Cody “wins,” so I guess this is our main event, or something. Cody gives himself a lame pep talk, which I shan’t bother to repeat.

Orton then says we need to get used to an image. He leaves the cage with the title, then – I shit you not – explains what he just did: “And that image is me leaving the cage, still WWE Champion!” This is for all of Orton’s intellectual equals in the audience who don’t get that Orton leaving the cage is supposed to symbolize Orton leaving the cage, which I admit probably is a stretch for the mindless dipshits.

Anyway, a “Woo!” sounds, and Ric Flair hits the stage. Orton and Flair argue nonsensically, though Flair gets to the point and says he’s going to call out Orton every week (including calling him a punk about six times) until Orton fights him. And then to clarify, again because Orton’s IQ requires repetition to actually get any information from a conversation, Flair says that he can’t challenge Orton to a formal match. Instead, Flair wants him in the parking lot for a fight, and calls him a punk another eleventy times. Orton accepts, Flair is happy, and I’m starting off the night bored as hell.

Segment 2 [Cage Match]: Batista defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Guess it wasn’t the main event, huh? Good call on that one: match was lame. Orton came down halfway through but didn’t do anything. I guess he tried to be mere by-sight-only distraction, but Batista didn’t buy it. He hit the Batista Bomb, and that’s all she wrote.

Segment 3: Vickie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero are in the back office, talking to Big Show about an upcoming tag match with Miz as a partner. Show doesn’t like Miz, saying that Miz’s “streak” against Cena is also a slap in the face to Show’s actual efforts.

But I guess that’s beside the point, because Vickie has a so totally awesome way to do this tag match. See, she wrote the names of all the RAW wrestlers on lots, and she’s going to pull one out of a bag. Whoever’s name comes out is Cena’s partner tonight! And the winner is: Chavo Guerrero!

Sigh.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Maryse & Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendes) defeat Kelly Kelly and Mickie James by pin. Match was almost “all right but nothing special.” K2 still doesn’t have the psychology though, although she kept the athletic nonsense down to a minimum. Actually, she used her athleticism to do a damn good huracanrana to pin, and a neat enzuiguri. If she sticks with that kind of athleticism, then it’s more convincing.

Then K2 kinda messed things up at the end when she was supposed to attempt a pin on Maryse, but didn’t do it quite right; Maryse was on her side rather than her back. The ref was explaining that this wasn’t a pin, which caused Beth (who was coming in to interfere) a moment of confusion. That passed after a moment though, and a Pier Four brawl broke out. Rosa got involved to distract the ref, which distracted K2, which gave Maryse a chance to hit her DDT and take the win.

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: Carlito & Primo defeat William Regal & Matt Hardy by pin. Match was decent, as all Carlito/Primo matches are. Pretty formulaic, with Primo being FIP and getting the hot tag to Carlito at the end. Carlito’s opening move for his House of Fire routine was a springboard missile dropkick to Regal. On the by-the-numbers pin attempt, Matt came in to break it up. Primo came in to defend Carlito, but that only distracted the ref. Regal then tried shoving Carlito into Matt’s outstretched cast, but Carlito reversed it, making Regal take the shot of plaster instead. Carlito leveled Matt, then nailed the Backstabber to Regal, ending things with the ensuing pin.

Segment 6: Flair is in the parking lot, considering things. Bats comes up, but Flair immediately tells him to fuck off and not bother trying to talk him out of fighting him. Bats tries to be reasonable, asking whether this fight is really necessary. Flair says that Bats obviously doesn’t get it, that he was forced to retired than choosing to do it, and that he has to prove to himself more than anyone else that he’s still got “it” as far as the fight goes. Flair further goes on that he needs a friend more than anything else. Bats and Flair embrace. Aww…!

Segment 7: Regal and Matt are in Vickie’s office, whining about their loss, and wanting another shot at the tag champs. Vickie asks why she should grant that. They reply that they have a plan for her: that she should face Santino Marella tonight as a “warm up” match against Santina. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense so far… but Matt whispers the second part of his plan to her, I guess, and it makes her deliriously happy. Hm…

Pre-Segment 8: Miz hits the ring for his match, though he opens by congratulating John Cena for appealing to the teen crowd, as it “puts you in the same league as the Jonas Brothers, SpongeBob SquarePants, and Hannah Montana!” Then, his punch line: “Look at the person to your left… Now look at the person to your right… Now look at the man standing before you in the ring, because that’s what a winner looks like!” Bwa ha ha ha!!! Okay, I’m starting to come around to Miz, that was great!

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Chavo Guerrero & John Cena defeat Miz & Big Show by pin. Match was all right but nothing special; this one was all about the story. Cena did all the work for the faces, being FIP but managing a comeback against Miz. When Cena went for the FU, Show tagged himself in, but the ref didn’t see it. Show went in the ring anyway, hit Cena with a chokeslam, but was kicked out to the apron by the ref.

Cena and Miz crawled to their respective corners. Miz stood, and Show asked for the tag. Miz said, “I’m the Miz… and I got this!” Miz turned his back, and took Show’s knockout punch to the back of his head. Meanwhile, Chavo tags himself in, as Cena crawled his way into the corner. Chavo did nothing but run up and make the pin.

Post-Segment 8: Chavo immediately celebrates after the match with Cena in pretty much the dorkiest way ever. Despite Chavo not doing a damn thing aggressive to Cena, Cena hits him with an FU.

Show gets in the ring at this point, and he and Cena go after each other. Cena gets a bit of an advantage, then goes to the top rope to hit his wacky leg drop. Show has this scouted though, and gives Cena a knockout punch in midair. With Cena down, Show jumps on his back and locks in a camel clutch, knocking Cena out. Show arrogantly shimmies away to the stage, giving superior looks to everyone and everything on the way.

Segment 9: Josh Mathews interviews MVP and Kofi Kingston in the back. They put each other over because they did things the right way, but they both think they’re going to be the champ after the match. They lightly trash talk, being sure to say they respect each other but also are confident in their own abilities.

Segment 10 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Kofi Kingston defeats MVP by pin, and becomes the NEW United States Champion! Match was okay, decent even, but I really think they could do better. Don’t get me wrong, the match was good, it’s just that it started off really slow: they both went for technical stuff, which really plays against Kofi’s strengths. They didn’t speed things up until the last third of the match. Maybe the length of the match (15 to 20 minutes I believe) had something to do with it, so Kofi could pace himself?

One bizarre spot happened near the end of the match. Kofi had been taken down, and MVP picked him up to follow up. Kofi then countered with a move I’ve never seen before. Basically, it started off looking like Kofi and MVP held each other as if one of them was going to attempt a gutwrench powerbomb: essentially, their right sides were touching, and they were bending forward so their heads were closer to their opponent’s butt rather than upright. In this position, Kofi did a forward somersault, taking MVP with him, meaning MVP actually was thrown backwards, slamming his head and shoulders into the mat. I’d almost call it a standing gutwrench powerbomb, but even that’s not really accurate. From the landing position, Kofi just held MVP in place, which was a pinning situation, though the champ kicked out.

Shortly after came the end game. MVP set Kofi up for the Playmaker, but it was reversed, and Kofi went for a clothesline. MVP caught his arm, so Kofi went for his finishing jumping roundhouse kick. MVP ducked it, then picked Kofi up and went for a suplex. Kofi slipped out and jumped on MVP’s shoulders for a victory roll. MVP hung on and fell on top of Kofi to pin him… but then Kofi rolled through, pretty much sitting on MVP’s chin and face, which was enough to end it. Good way to end it, and it was the second or third time they did a bunch of triple reversey stuff. I hope these guys can step it up on their inevitable rematch, because I have a feeling they could, if not steal the show, then at least make fans remember the match for a long time.

After the match, MVP snatched the title out of the ref’s hands, but he handed to Kofi peacefully. MVP retreated up the ramp, nodding the whole way, clearly disappointed with himself but also proud of Kofi… probably.

Segment 11: Orton is in the locker room, and Ted DiBiase is trying to talk him out of the parking lot brawl. Orton tells him that he’s got this, yo, and can handle his bid’ness. Or something like that.

Pre-Segment 12: Vickie is coming out for her match, but she’s carrying… buckets of pig slop? Where did she find that backstage on such short notice? Or why the hell did Matt Hardy have it nearby for this situation? Maybe this is just the leftovers of what WWE feeds the stage crew?

Segment 12 [Singles Match?]: I guess you could consider the match a no contest? Santino found one bucket of the pig slop and held the bucket threateningly at Vickie. After a minute, Regal and Matt hit the ring, but Santino knew they were there. He did a 360-spin of the slop, hitting both heels and both announcers. The heels gave each other offended looks.

Santino then charged the heels with his empty bucket, and was beaten down for it. He was left lying on his back in the middle of the ring, and the heels retreated. Vickie then realized what was going on, picked up the other bucket of slop, and poured it all over Santino’s face and body. She planted her foot on Santino and gave her Queen Elizabeth wave in, uh, victory?

Segment 13: Randy Orton is in the parking lot, looking for Flair. Flair got the drop on Orton, and primarily did the damage, though it was extremely tame for those of us who remember hardcore matches from the old days. Eventually they fought their way toward ringside; as the camera shows the direction, I notice the cage is down… wonder if that’ll be important?

Orton got the advantage as they brawled at the stage. Action took them on top of the ramp, where Orton bored everyone with his random acts of stomping and punching. Orton went to throw Flair off the stage, but Flair managed to get ahead here with a kick to Orton’s man-cherries.

Flair smacked Orton around as they descended the ramp and headed toward the ring proper, where Flair chucked Orton – you guessed it – into the cage. Orton at this point is pretty bloody, though Flair is fairly clean. They brawled to the announcers’ table, Flair still in control, and he cleared the table off. Orton wound up on the table, of course, with Flair continuing chops and punches to keep him down.

Flair finally got on the table with Orton and picked up a leg, then… good lord, he just stomped the plantain in Orton’s pocket, then stomped his legs a few more times as Orton tried to cover up his erection and/or displaced cup. Eventually, Flair slapped on the Figure Four on the table, though how the table helped with that is beyond me.

That’s, naturally, when Generation Douche hit the area to save their buddy. GD dragged Flair to the ring (still surrounded by the cage, remember) and beat on him until Orton recovered. Orton then got in the cage, ordered GD out, and had them lock the cage behind them.

This summoned Bats, whose mere presence made GD bail. Bats tried to break down the door, but that didn’t work. Orton taunted him a bit, then hit the RKO on Flair as Bats raged outside the cage. Flair eventually got to all fours, so Orton hit the Punt Kick of Doom, despite clearly missing by several inches. He used that momentum to get in Bats’s face, though of course Bats couldn’t do anything since the cage was in the way. Why he didn’t just gouge Orton’s eyes or something, I’ll never know.

Recommendation: Meh. Actually, scratch that: this one was a bit below average. None of the matches really did anything (though Kofi/MVP has potential), and the final angle, though kinda rough for WWE’s new family-friendly policy, didn’t have nearly the intensity that was intended. The nonsensical act of the cage being down for it made it even more ridiculous.

Pass on it, guys… and go buy The Sims 3 so IGN can pimp my upcoming guide to a bigger audience!