Segment 1: Randy Orton’s music fires up… he walks out… and walks… and walks… and walks… and walks… and stands in the ring… and stands there… and stands there… and stands there… Sigh.

Orton blathers that Ric Flair is so totally a jerk for beating on him last night at the PPV; that he’s used the dreaded Punt Kick of Doom against all other ex-members of Evolution, and that none of them have been able to properly avenge it. Including Flair.
 

So here comes the Nature Boy, naturally. Flair then says some shit awkwardly: “The way I see it, you almost lost, so you got yourself disqualified… Hey! Look me in the eyes when I’m talking to you!” But that is what happened, and Orton was looking him in the eyes, so… what the fuck? Flair is talking like the former was some giant revolution and the latter wasn’t happening, but it wasn’t and it was, respectively. I don’t get it.

Flair turns the conversation to Evolution, that Orton was supposedly the Golden Boy of it, but that Bats was the one that actually accomplished that. Well, at least that part is accurate. Flair goes on that despite the title and his leadership of Generation Douche, until he actually beats the man (i.e., Batista), he hasn’t accomplished anything.

Orton counters that he can beat Bats, anytime, anywhere. Flair says that that’s great, because he talked to Vickie Guerrero, and she totally has booked Bats vs. Orton for the belt in a steel cage match. An EXTREME RULES~! Cage Match! Even though Steel Cage Matches are by their nature EXTREME RULES~! anyway! SMELL THE STENCH OF STUIPIDITY AS IT CONTINUES TO PILE!!!

Orton thanks him for that, and then punches Flair in the face… and stomps him, which he only sorta sells. Legacy comes out to “help,” but Bats appears and beats ‘em down. That doesn’t last long, and Generation Douche gets the advantage.

That is, until… uh, John Cena comes down? Not Triple H? Really? Huh. Cena’s all full speed now, and actually gets a rather audible “Cena! Cena!” chant for this. The heels retreat, the faces stare ‘em down, and we end the segment.

Segment 2: After commercial, Josh Mathews interviews Cena in the back, who puts himself over in general and his win last night in particular, and makes a vague threat about wanting his title back.

As he turns away from Mathews, Vickie finds him and makes the obvious 2-on-3 tag match for the main event tonight. Cena pretends to be offended in a melodramatic way, then shrugs, calmly says “Just kidding, I love it!,” and leaves. Heh.

Segment 3 [7-Diva Battle Royal for #1 Contendership of the WWE Divas Title]: Kelly Kelly outlasts Mickie James et al. Too short to be anything, the final three were Mickie, K2, and Beth Phoenix. K2 actually countered being thrown out by Beth, and managed to dropkick Beth through the ropes (with pretty much the shittiest selling job ever). Beth tried to get revenge and the ref held her back at the outside. This gave Maryse, who was on commentary, the opportunity to spray hairspray in the eyes of Mickie, blinding her and making her thrash about on the apron. K2 saw this but not what led to it, and gave Mickie a gentle push to the floor to win.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Santino Marella defeats Chavo Guerrero by pin. Match was alright, with the story being that Chavo kicked Santino’s ass for the majority of it, until all of a sudden Santino’s offensive moves actually started working, surprising the Italian.

Finally Chavo got some momentum and set up for the Frog Splash. Santino rolled into the corner where Chavo was standing; Chavo hopped down, paused a moment, then charged. Santino dodged, making Chavo slam himself into the turnbuckle pads. Santino quickly ran up and made a flippy pin, getting the win

After the match, Chavo announced that Santina has a match tonight too, as “she’ll” face Vickie for the Miss WrestleMania title. What the fuck?

Segment 5: Miz is talking to Maryse… or trying to, as Maryse is speaking French. He says: “I’ve got no idea what you’re saying… but it’s hott~!” He does a little Goldust-style growl and bite, though she pushes his face away. He shrugs it off and brags how awesome he is against John Cena, and how he’s just getting started with Superwigger. He creepily air-kisses Maryse’s cheeks and leaves, disgusting and upsetting her. Heh, okay, I’m coming around to Miz’s douchebaggery.

Segment 6: Mathews interviews Matt Hardy in the back, who says that his title match against MVP tonight is so totally not Vickie’s reward for beating on Jeff and saving Edge last night. No, Matt getting the title shot tonight is because he’s so totally awesome.

Segment 7: Chavo and Vickie are arguing in the back, and she’s upset that he made the match for her. Wait, this wasn’t her idea? But she doesn’t want it? Why the fuck doesn’t she just call it off? In her arguing with Chavo, she even says that he can’t make a match since he’s not the GM, so why is she going along with it? Where the fuck is the logic?

Oh, here comes Orton… maybe he sucked the logic out of the show along with the talent and viewers? Anyway, he bitches to Vickie about the EXTREME RULES~! Steel Cage Match because she didn’t ask him first. She tells him to fuck off, since she’s the general manager and makes the rules. Which, if I may point out, flies in the face of her argument with Chavo from five seconds ago. Are you telling me that the WWE “Creative” Team can’t even keep continuity within the same fucking scene of dialogue? What the fuck is wrong with professional wrestling?

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Primo & Carlito defeat Brian Kendrick & Goldust. Match was short but quickly paced. Story here is that BK is still looking for “that perfect partner” to take the titles. Goldust started things off but BK wasn’t impressed by his performance and tagged himself in. BK managed to get a little momentum but fell quickly once Primo got tagged in. BK went for Sliced Bread, but Primo countered it, making BK fall stunned to the mat. Primo followed up by going the apron, then vaulting up to the top rope and springboarding from that to a very high angle flying crossbody, making the pin from there. Damn, he had just as much air time as Evan Bourne.

After the match, BK naturally blamed Goldust, and even slapped him. While BK bitched him out, Hornswoggle appeared and assaulted him. With Goldust’s help, BK was booted from the ring, and Goldust and Horny cuddled in victory. Ugh.

Cut Scene: Normally I don’t recap cut scenes, but what the hell in this case… We get a close up of John Cena’s shirt. Camera moves up… and it’s Miz, wearing exactly what Cena does! He gives the “You can’t see me” taunt, then WALKS~! toward the ring, throwing up the Word Life hand gesture to random people he passes in the halls. Pretty funny.

Segment 9: After a commercial, Miz hits the ring to John Cena’s old music. The female fans fall for it and cat call for him until he gets halfway down the ramp. The cheers abate to boos as he gets in the ring and gets a mic.

Miz declares that he’s 4-0 against Cena, which is why he’s dressed like this. He tells all of us with amnesia that Cena wrote the song we just heard, and that Miz himself has done a remix of it to be more fitting. He calls it “Nerd Life: The Story of John Cena.” The remix is extremely not funny, so the less said about it, the better.

Miz finishes his rap, and Cena never appeared, so he declares himself the winner again, and that he’s now 5-and-0. “Cena’s dead, like a possum / I’m the Miz and I’m awesome!”

For some reason, that spawns Jerry Lawler to come from his booth and get in the ring with a mic. “That rap you did? Listen, the commercials are getting better ratings than we are right now.” Dude, that’s not Miz’s fault, that’s squarely on the shoulders of our champ.

Anyway, Lawler goes on to explain that just because he calls someone out and they refuse to come out, doesn’t mean he gets a victory. Lawler’s going to prove that right now by calling out Batista, who naturally doesn’t appear. Lawler sarcastically shows disappointment, and rhetorically asks if that makes him 1-and-0 against Bats. Miz shrugs.

Lawler gives another example then, and calls out Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, and Steve Austin for a 3-on-1 handicap match! They don’t appear, naturally… Lawler explains that by Miz’s logic, he just got a victory in those odds, but obviously that’s just silly. “All this talking you’re doing Miz, you’re just talking out of you rear end.” Lawler says that if he wants a Cena match so bad, go ask Vickie for one. Miz says that’s exactly what he’s gonna do.

But before he can leave the ring, here comes Big Show. Show says that Miz is going to have to get in line, because he just asked for a Submission Match against Cena. Miz says that’s cool, he’ll wait… and he’ll beat Cena after Cena beat Show again. Before Show can pound him for the insult, Miz pushes Lawler into Show and bails. Show, for no reason, gives Lawler a kidney punch and applies a camel clutch. Lawler to his credit doesn’t tap, but does essentially pass out.

Michael Cole hypes a couple matches, and the camera cuts back to Lawler, who is being tended to by refs.

Pre-Segment 10: After the commercial, we find out that good ol’ Jim Ross has replaced Lawler. Cool, I love JR.

Segment 10 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: MVP defeats Matt Hardy by pin, and retains. Match was pretty lame, really… It was pretty much one-sided, with MVP doing tons of arm-targeted offense to take advantage of that broken hand. Win was clean and decisive, so I assume Matt is just going to bitch that his broken arm is what kept him down.

Segment 11: Flair and Bats have a tender moment in the locker room. Flair is happy, so Bats asks why; Flair excitedly says that next week, he’s going to call out Orton. Bats tells him just to chill, because he’s retired and has nothing to prove.

Flair’s mood sours and says that it wasn’t his choice to retire, that he does have something to prove after Orton punched him, that Bats is giving him the “Flair is too old to fight” look. Flair angrily declares that all the critics and doubters can fuck themselves, and that he will not be in Bats’s corner tonight for the main event.

Segment 12: Chavo is laying on the floor of Vickie’s office, trying to motivate her to practice doing a Frog Splash off the couch because it totally simulates the height of a top rope. She tells him he’s fucked up in the head, and the match is off.

In wanders Santina, amusingly with little toilet paper squares on his face from where she’s cut herself shaving. She says that it’s rather fitting if Vickie were to hit a Frog Splash, because the only way she’d beat Santina “is if pigs fly.” This pisses Vickie off enough that she decides to go through with the match anyway.

Segment 13 [No DQ Singles Match for Miss WrestleMania]: Vickie Guerrero defeats Santina Marella by pin, and sadly becomes the new Miss WrestleMania 2009. Santina and Vickie hit the ring for their match, though it’s more talking than action. Santina says she’s a lesbian but likes it rough, kisses Vickie, and says that the last time she tasted anything like that, it was “the other white meat.” This annoys Chavo to declare that the match is now a no-DQ match. The ref rolls with this, and rings the bell again.

Chavo immediately gets in the ring and assaults Santina. Santina gets the advantage though, and body drops him over the top. Santina then starts to move toward Vickie, and William Regal appears out of nowhere. He kicks Santina’s ass, and Vickie makes the pin. She runs around and shrieks with happiness like My Melina does (though, unlike for My Melina, it doesn’t cause me any biological urges in me other than vomiting) as Chavo gives her the sash and crown.

Now, hopefully, this means the end of Santina.

Segment 14 [Handicap 3-on-2 Match, Tag Rules]: Batista & John Cena defeat Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, & Cody Rhodes by pin. Match was formulaic and not very interesting until the end game. Both faces got to play separate Face In Peril segments, though Bats got to play the final House of Fire roll.

The endgame was a clusterfuck, but an intentional one. After Cena made the final hot tag to Bats, Bats hit Orton with a power slam but got a failed pin. Crowd was going ape shit for some reason though, and the camera finally showed the ramp, where Big Show had come down to interfere. Cena answered him with a steel chair though, and they brawled to the outside.

Back in the ring, Rhodes saw that Cena was gone, so he jumped in the ropes and tried to assault Bats. Bats through him over the rope on the ramp side, then stalked Orton. Thinking about it and realizing that DiBiase was still there, Bats punched him in the face and off the apron.

Bats turned around, and Rhodes flew forward off the top rope closest to the ramp, landing flat on his back for no apparent reason. More camera work shows that Ric Flair has come down and indeed appeared to save Bats. With the fodder finished, Bats nailed Orton with a Spear, and made the pin.

After the match, the faces – well, Bats and Flair, as Cena was still gone – danced around the ring as the heels fumed. I half-expected Bats or Flair to turn on the other, but nothing resulted.

Recommendation: Not worth watching. This episode wasn’t quite the abortion last week’s was, but you still have far better than things to do, such as drinking yourself into a stupor, than watching this crap.