The most amusing column of the TV Diary is “Time TV is turned on but no one is watching or listening for five consecutive minutes.” That probably would qualify for most of my WWE experience, really; but seriously, what the hell is that column for? Does it just say to the advertisers of that program “Hey, you should make your ads even more obnoxious since people can listen to them, but just choose not to”? I only regret that I live alone and can’t enjoy the fun of subjecting my TV Diary to six-hour doses of Dora the Explorer or iCarly or whatever other dreck Nickelodeon vomits out. I’m tempted to fuck with the Nielsen guys and say that I watched a 12-hour marathon of Bakugan, but then followed that up with three solid hours of “TV is on but no one is watching” tuned to the Playboy Channel. Or maybe vice versa. The possibilities, really, are endless.

But alas, my personal honor and integrity keep me from doing such dishonest approaches to my Precious, Holy, and Confidential TV Diary. I represent the common man, of course (those in the 18-35 demographic who work 32 hours per week and live alone, anyway), and my responsibility is mighty indeed. I’m like J.R. Oppenheimer, except my Manhattan Project is syndicated episodes of CSI: New York. Or, would be, except I have better things to do than watch anything with “CSI” in the title, such as washing down my arsenic omelet with liquid cyanide.

So, if RAW is at the top of the list this week again, you know one person WWE needs to thank. Please send all checks to my Xenia, Ohio apartment. Thank you for your time.

Segment 1: Vickie Guerrero uglies up the screen to start things off tonight. She puts over Edge’s win from Backlash, then introduces us to the new champion of her show. Come on down, Randy Orton!

Orton, boy toys in tow, head to the ring, taking the whole of their allotted half-hour to get down the fucking ramp. In fact, it takes them so long, his entrance theme (which, according to iTunes, is 3:10 long) loops once; I love the song, but for the love of god, I’m on Nielsen’s clock here! I don’t need to hear the chorus of “Voices” four times!

Orton blathers that all the McMahons are now sad, and that now Orton is so totally the man for “beating” Triple H. That is, for doing the Punt Kick of Doom, the most powerful move in wrestling since the People’s Elbow. He goes on that he has risen above the majority of us, that anyone in their 30s or older are finished, and anyone in their 20s aspire to greatness but will fail. That is, except for him, because he is awesome.

We break here for a video recap of crap that’s been recapped to crap and back, of Orton’s assaults on the various McMahons, ending with the Punt Kick of Doom to Trips last night. Once we’re live again, Vickie says she’s happy for him, happy he’s on her show, and that he’ll have his first title defense in three weeks. Orton’s opponent will be the winner of a match tonight between Big Show and Batista.

Orton takes the mic back, says that we need to respect him because he’s “all we got left,” which doesn’t make a bit of sense. All we’ve got left of what? Metrosexual douchebags? There are plenty of those in WWE, believe me. Anyway, he says that if the other boys in the back don’t respect him too, Orton will give them a Punt Kick of Doom too.

And out comes… MVP? Orton looks as confused as I feel. MVP tries goosing the crowd into a bigger pop but they’re not buying it, and are instead apathetic as they wait for MVP to say something. MVP finally congratulates Orton for his title win, but that he is the US Champion, and therefore doesn’t have to answer to anyone.

Orton rolls his eyes and turns his back. Ted DiBiase talks for Generation Douche and tells him politely to leave, else they’ll so totally kick his ass. MVP tells him lightly that Orton didn’t give him permission to speak, and therefore shouldn’t; he follows up by saying to Orton that he “doesn’t have a couple of Abercrombie & Fitch models to speak for me,” a line which probably isn’t half as funny as I find it to be.

Anyway, MVP says wisely that this isn’t “the Randy Orton Show” (thank god for that), and he didn’t come to RAW to be talked down to. So, he reminds us that Orton is indeed WWE Champion for now, but if Bats or Show can’t beat Orton for the title in three weeks, MVP will do it himself.

Cody Rhodes takes the mic and begs Orton for the “privilege” of kicking MVP’s ass, then fantasy books for MVP’s benefit of how it will go down, ending with an RKO (probably of the OUT OF NOWHERE OMG~!!! variety) and a Punt Kick of Doom. MVP shrugs that off, probably because Cody didn’t get permission to speak either.

Orton whispers something to Vickie, who then announces that tonight, our second main event will be MVP taking on Randy Orton, champion-versus-champion, so surprising!

Geez, that lasted entirely too long.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Brian Kendrick by pin. Match was awfully quick, with Kendrick doing all the early offense. Kofi reversed momentum and hit all his standard offensive moves, pulling off a win. About the only shocking spot was when BK went for his finisher, where he runs at the corner with an opponent’s head in his arm, runs up the corner, backflips over his opponent, and comes down for a reverse DDT. He did the move, but Kofi pushed him off during the very last part of that, making BK slam his face into the mat. Kofi followed this up with a flying crossbody, though BK rolled through for a failed pin. Kofi quickly followed that up with his jumping roundhouse kick to get the win.

Segment 3: After a slideshow recap of the finish of the Last Man Standing match last night, we see Show in the office in the back. Vickie comes in and thanks him for sending Cena through the spotlight, and notes that she knows he did it for himself, rather than for her or for Edge. Show thanks her and moves in for a kiss, but Vickie backs off. Show demands to know why he’s been cock-blocked, especially because of how “lonely” it gets on Monday nights. Vickie stays strong and says that everything will be strictly professional from now on. Show kinda nods, thanks her, and leaves.

Segment 4 [8-Diva Tag Match]: Santina Marella et al defeat Jillian Hall et al by pin. Match was short. Essentially, after about three moves of offense, we saw Jillian in the ring with Brie Bella. Brie left the ring and ran under it. Rosa Mendez followed, and both twins’ faces popped out… as well as Hornswoggle. A few shenanigans later, Horny had managed to distract all the heels, and Brie got back in the ring. Santina requested a tag, then gave a quick schoolboy pin to Jillian (whose back was turned) to end things.

After the match, Santina celebrated on the apron by air-humping, and Horny saw up “her” skirt. Mickie James then, out of “fun” or something, lifted up Santina’s skirt, showing everyone a rather suspicious bulge in her hot pants. This, of all things, caused Horny to faint and eventually run away.

Wow, that was so totally worth those five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Pre-Segment 5: Matt Hardy hits the ring for a match, with his right arm in a cast. We see a slideshow recap of his loss to Jeff last night. Matt says that last night just proved that Jeff is heartless and uncaring, and now Matt himself has a broken hand. Still, Matt cries that he is not a quitter, but he had to quit last night because he had a broken hand! Oh noes!

Matt says it’s also not fair that he has to wrestle under such conditions, and that he does so out of protest. I’m sure WWE Management has taken note.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Matt Hardy defeats Goldust by pin. Goldust? Really? Match was short, with Matt playing chickenshit until he was able to smash Goldust in the back of the head with the cast, a la Bob Orton.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats MVP by disqualification. Match was decent, and the crowd made it hotter than it probably deserved. No major spots, although MVP gave a couple decently stiff moves.

The match ended when Shane McMahon came out of nowhere and beat the crap out of Orton with a Kendo stick, laying him out in the middle of the ring. Shane climbed the ropes, and Generation Douche headed out of the back armed with chairs. Shane saw them, hit a Macho Man elbow anyway, then bugged out before GD could stop him. Shane climbed the steps of the crowd, then celebrated at the top of the stairs in Rocky fashion as he also shot daggers at the champ.

Segment 6: Miz hits the ring and tells us that he’s popular and we’re not. The crickets chirp, and despite a few half-hearted attempts at trying to try “What?-ing” him, no one gives a shit. Well, that is, until Miz declares he wants to take on John Cena tonight. That pops the crowd. Well, sort of. And it’s an interesting twist, really.

A referee comes on down, and Cena’s music fires up… but no Cena. The music fades, and Miz talks some more trash to try to get Cena to reappear. Miz: “You keep saying, ‘You can’t see me! You can’t see me!’ Well, you’re right Cena, I can’t see you, because your movies aren’t in the theaters long enough.” BURN!!!

Anyway, Miz goes on that he’s sick of seeing the same main eventers on RAW, and he’s here to change that. So now, because Cena didn’t show, Miz totally wins by forfeit. He demands Lilian to announce it to make it official. She doesn’t, so he exits the ring, snatches her mic, yells at her, and announces it for her. His music plays, and he leaves while still jawing at the crowd.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Carlito & Primo defeat Jamie Noble & Chavo Guerrero by pin. Quite a technical match as usual when the faces are involved.

One clever spot happened to signal the end-game. Carlito found himself on the apron on the heels’ side, and Chavo rushed over to stop him. Carlito elbowed Chavo off, then snapped Noble’s neck across the top rope. Carlito then quickly ran to the neutral corner, and climbed to the top rope. From there, he hopped from the top rope to the middle rope, then did a mini-moonsault splash for a failed pin. You’d have to see it, it’s kinda hard to describe in text. The match ended shortly thereafter when Noble tried a neckbreaker, but Carlito spun that around and hit the Backstabber.

Segment 8: Batista is WALKING~! and is come across by [guy] who asks if he feels responsible for Trips losing the title last night. Bats talks to the camera, tells Trips that he’s got his sympathy, and that he knows Trips will be back soon. Bats then says for Trips’s and his own revenge, he’ll destroy Show tonight, then snatch up Orton’s title to hit him where it will hurt the most.

Pre-Segment 9: Vickie pops out of the back to the stage. She gives us another video recap of the goings-on from last night, as well as tonight, and announces that next week, our main event will be Shane vs. Orton.

Segment 9 [Singles Match, winner becomes #1 Contender for the WWE Championship]: Batista defeats Big Show by countout. Match was decent, with Bats showing off his power with spinebusters and the like. Bats stayed on the defensive most of the time though.

At the end, the two were brawling out of the ring. Show got the advantage and threw Bats back into the ring… and John Cena appeared on the stage without fanfare. Show saw him and started going toward him, with Cena realistically looking stiff and too hurt to do his wacky pandering. No blows came to be, and Show tried running back to the ring, but didn’t get back in it in time.

After the match, Bats Speared Show for no reason, then powdered out. Show eventually got up from that, and growled like Wolverine classically does at Cena. Cena said and did nothing but smirk, and we faded out to black.

Recommendation: Meh. Parts were entertaining, sorta, but nothing really grabbed my eyeballs, you know? Probably not worth watching, but it wouldn’t be a complete waste of time on heavy fast-forward.