Like what seems to be the general view of the Online Onslaught forums, I wasn’t a big fan of Test back in the day, but I do wish he was given a shot at the top. I was into him and the wedding storyline, and wanted to smack Trips when he pulled that (albeit legally silly) stunt to give Test the ultimate cock-block. I didn’t remember until I read Rick’s eulogy that Trips and Test never even

Segment 1 [Tag Match]: Shawn Michaels & Undertaker defeat JBL & Vladimir Kozlov by pin. Though the match was short, it was very, very hot. The face alliance was sketchy at best, though they worked well enough to decimate the heels. Shawn was FIP, with Taker going house of fire on JBL. Then Taker raised his hand to signal the chokeslam!

…And Shawn tagged himself in. As Taker looked on offended, Shawn ran up, hit the Superkick, and scored the win.

Post-Segment 1: As Shawn got up from the pin, Taker tried to big boot him for stealing his win. Shawn dodged and rolled out of the ring, then taunted Taker from the outside. Taker doesn’t like verbal abuse, so hopped through the ropes and started after Shawn… who retreated like a pussy.

They went up the ramp, but Shawn retreated further and left, going to the back. Taker stopped on the stage as usual, contemplated pursuing, then just Shawn go. Taker did, however, look back at the ring as he always does before sticking up his right arm, and his music played him off. Taker turned to face forward again for his victory arm raise.

…And Shawn appeared out of nowhere and gave him his own Superkick. Whoa.

Shawn hopped around like a jumping bean as he continued to verbally trash the dead man, who was so stunned by the proceedings that he stayed flat on his back. I’d say that fuel added to the fire, wouldn’t you?

Segment 2: Vickie Guerrero is in the office in the back, and Edge comes in. She blathers about how sorry she is, Edge replies… that he forgives her. Huh.

Vickie goes on to say that Show forced himself on her, that’s he’s “just so… so… big!” Edge says he doesn’t want to know that, but does want to inform Vickie that Show doesn’t really love her and is just using her to get ahead. Guess he would know about that better than anyone, wouldn’t he?

This crap goes on for a few minutes, and Edge somehow twists it around to all be John Cena’s fault, which is too great a leap of logic for even wrestling.

Regardless, tonight we’ve got a match between Edge and Cena with Vickie as the guest ref, and Vickie now declares that if Cena touches her in the match, he’s out of WrestleMania. Whatever.

Segment 3: Todd Grisham interviews Randy Orton in the back, who is pacing and generally acting like a moron. Todd asks why Orton didn’t press charges against Trips for breaking and entering. Orton blathers, says that his wife is so totally traumatized, and that if he had pressed charges, Trips would have rotted in prison rather than getting his comeuppance at WrestleMania at Orton’s own hand. “Rather than the law of the land… it’ll be Orton’s Law! I’m going to pass sentence on you when I become WWE Champion!” What the fuck?

Segment 4 [6-Diva Tag Match]: My Melina, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly defeat Beth Phoenix, Layla, & Jillian (w/ Rosa Mendez & Santino Marella) by pin. Match was pretty stupid, especially because KK and Jillian contributed literally nothing to the match. My Melina got a schoolgirl pin at the end when Beth was distracted by Mickie. I didn’t really care, because My Melina was wearing the leopard prints again. I can’t really think of any other reason she’d do that other than because she a) reads Online Onslaught and b) likes me. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself as I cry myself to sleep, anyway.

Segment 5 [Singles, uh, Cage Match?]: Triple H defeats Cody Rhodes by seriously bending the rules. So the thing here is, Rhodes hits the ring, then Trips, then Orton and Ted DiBiase appear. Trips chucks Cody, grabs a sledgehammer, gives him a Pedigree, then signals the sky. A steel cage starts descending, and Trips exits the ring to keep the heels at bay. At the last second, he dives into the ring as the cage comes down. The heels run up anyway and get their precious little fingers pinched, then throw temper tantrums on the outside. The ref says that even though the match was supposed to be a standard one, fuck it, Trips is related to Vince so let’s roll with it; and he rings the bell to start an impromptu cage match with one dude holding a sledgehammer and the other one unconscious.

Orton and DiBiase tried climbing up the cage to get in; the answer to that was Trips picking up Cody and using him as a human javelin to knock the other heel off the cage from the outside. This was teased entirely too long, when finally Trips told Orton to “look at this,” then bopped Cody with the sledgehammer. Mike Chioda, again feeling the impromptu “anything can happen” magic, counted to three for the hell of it.

Apparently, Orton’s Law really is “anything that can be booked stupidly, will.”

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Dolph didn’t get an entrance, but he made the most of his shot by having his speed dial set to 11 for this one. Still, the moment Rey got on a tear, Dolph quickly oversold his way to a loss, taking a 619 followed by Rey’s signature no-arm top rope splash. Watchable, but pointless.

Segment 7: Chris Jericho hits the ring dressed to compete, and blathers that it’s all Ric Flair’s fault that he’s not going to WrestleMania. Therefore, tonight will basically be his WrestleMania moment, or as close to it as possible.

Jericho paces and keeps trash-talking Flair, that he’s not “the man” as he claims but just a coward. Still, this is Flair’s last chance to shine for the fans, so get out here already!

Flair does pop out, but he’s dressed in a suit. No surprise here, of course. Flair insists he’s retired, that he’s still “the man” anyway. Also, though he knows he can beat Jericho, he won’t sully the retirement send-off by coming back for one more night. However, Flair has found some guys who can take him out.

Enter Superfly, the Dragon, and Piper! Jericho looks pretty worried, especially as all four march together to the ring. They surround Jericho, get in the ring together, and manages to sneak away. Or thinks he does anyway, as Flair quickly jumped out of the ring to punch him in the eye. The four Hall of Famers stand triumphant in the ring as Jericho angrily looks at them without depth perception.

Segment 8: After a commercial, Grisham catches up to Jericho in the back, who cries that he was attacked by four men at once, which was totally unfair. Grisham asks if he was embarrassed, which Jericho laughs off, but then has a great thought. He challenges Superfly, Piper, and Dragon together in a 3-on-1 at WrestleMania and advises that Flair be in their corner. Jericho also pimps the friggin’ movie yet again as we segue out.

Segment 9 [6-Man Tag Match]: CM Punk, MVP, & Kofi Kingston defeat Shelton Benjamin, Kane, & Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) by pin. Match was decent, but a bit too spotty and random to be exciting. Well, that is, until the final two were Punk and SB, who really really look like something special could occur between them. My man-panties are again wet for the Money in the Bank match, especially when you throw Christian into things. Anyway, match broke down into silliness, and ended with the Go To Sleep.

Segment 10: Vickie is dressed in her ref shirt (thankfully a standard one and not the cut-off-and-tied shirt popularized by Trish Stratus), and Show materializes in her office. She is upset at first, but he declares that he totally loves her and Edge is lying. He kisses her (ew), declares he’s “anatomically superior” to Edge (EW!!!), and leaves after promising he’ll prove his love. There goes any erection I still had from My Melina’s leopard prints.

Segment 11: A quick cut scene shows us how Trips rigged the whole steel cage thing. Turns out that Stephanie McMahon was around and was the one pulling the strings (or pushing the buttons, whatever). Alrighty.

Segment 12 [Singles Match, Vickie Guerrero is the guest ref]: John Cena and Edge wrestle to a No Contest, I guess. Match went as expected, with Cena getting the upper hand but Vickie not counting pins. She saved him from the FU a few minutes later, and even started choking Cena when he followed up with the SSTF.

Then comes Show down to the ring, where he and Edge double-team Cena, including trapping him in the ropes. Edge gave him a Spear, Show gave him a couple knockout punches, and Vickie even slapped him a few times.

Then Edge Speared Show and celebrated with a taunt as Vickie looked on in confusion. Huh.

Recommendation: Must watch the first segment, the rest was meh or worse. I’m tired and my thoughts are a little scrambled, but I’m clear-headed enough to know that Trips/Orton continues to embarrass itself, especially with none of Orton’s actions making any fucking sense whatsoever. Jericho/HOFers looks all right, and Shawn/Taker is still the high point for me for Mania. The MITB match should be pretty sweet too, but we knew this already.