So, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna bail out on any kind of a charming preRamble, and just settle in and start telling you what happened on the just-completed WrestleMania 32 PPV:

• ON THE PRESHOW. The initial hour of the preshow was only on the WWE Network. In that time, much content-free fluffery spewed forth from the Expert Panel quarterbacked by the perpetually delightful Renee Young. Also, Kevin Owens and Paul Heyman briefly supplied some amusing heel bluster. Spoiler Alert: they predict victory for Owens and Lesnar, respectively.
  
  Then, we got the Kalisto vs. Ryback US Title match to close out the opening hour. Cowboys Stadium was still only half-full at this point, but the crowd that had assembled were very much pro-Kalisto. Ryback got boos and "GOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG" chants. Pretty paint-by-numbers affair, quickly into the heel beatdown, the highlight of which was Ryback beating the crap out of Kalisto outside the ring, and then pressing him overhead and walking him up the steps and back into the ring.
  
  But then Ryback went for a delayed superplex, and it backfired. Kalisto's babyface comeback thus commenced. Nearfall off a low-rana DDT. Another off the corkscrew springboard elbow. And then, after a final back-and-forth exchange that included using an exposed turnbuckle as a red herring, Kalisto hit the Salida del Sol to retain the title. Huh, a definite upset and a crowd pleaser, but generally speaking, you wait until the crowd has actually arrived before serving up a segment for their benefit.
  
  Then, they shifted it to hour two, which was simulcast on the USA Network for all to see for free.
   
  They immediately sent it down to the ring for the Total Divas 10-Woman Tag Match. It's Brie (pretty popular), Paige (pretty popular), Nattie (pretty popular), Alicia (an afterthought), and Eva Maria (universally hated, despite WWE's assumptions that this is a niche opinion held only by a minority of "difficult" fans) vs. Naomi (a talented/respected heel), a handful of afterthoughts (Tamina, Summer, and Emma, who is actually very much improved since turning heel in NXT) and a much beloved valet (Lana). In other words, nothing about this match makes any sense, but WWE's jamming it in our faces, anyway.
  
  Despite the lack of any narrative throughline, the women all put their best foot forward, and give a solid effort. For most of them, that means competent-if-unspectacular ring work. For Lana, it means an eyeful of a very shapely ass. I mean, a serious, TV-PG-threatening eyeful. For Eva, it means doing nothing and getting booed for it.
  
  FWIW, they settled into Paige as a face in peril, hot tag to Brie, then it broke down into a Pier 10 Brawl. Brie and Naomi were legal, but all the other women went through their signature spots until everybody powdered out, and Brie got Naomi to tap to the YES! Lock. Nikki Bella -- on the mend from neck surgery -- came out to celebrate with the team. Whee!
  
  Then lots and lots more filler, as the stadium continued to fill up.
  
  Then, an unscheduled little interlude. In fact, it's a segment that had been planned for tomorrow night, but WWE is getting out in front of it by doing it RIGHT NOW~! Lita is in the middle of the ring, with something hidden underneath a red velvet blanket. She talks about how women's wrestling was on display at the very first WrestleMania, with Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter and Fabulous Moolah, and down throughout history, it's been Hall of Famers like Lita herself, last night's inductee Jackie, and the immortal Trish Stratus.... and later tonight, three more great ones: Charlotte, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks.
  
  And whoever emerges victorious will be the new WWE WOMEN'S Champion. Begone, butterfly/vagina belt, begone! To say nothing of the term "diva" finally dying a necessary death! The new belt is essentially a duplicate of the men's title belt, on white leather. Nice.
  
  After a final bit of fuff, it's time for our final preshow match, the Usos vs. the Dudleys... the Dudleys jumpstart the match by attacking before the bell, and just like that, we're into the "mid-match" heel beatdown. Except, the fans are kind of cheering for the Dudleys. D'oh, is Reigns' toxicity contagious?
  
  The "hot tag" to Jey (after Bubba "borrowed" Stan Hansen's trademark taunt, to cheers, allowing himself to get kicked in the face, because he meant it to be a heel affectation) drew more boos, and when they illegally double-teamed to break up the 3-D with stereo superkicks, they pick up a win.
  
  After the match, the Dudleys tried to get some revenge, and got two tables set up.... the fans were fired up to see them get some wood on the Usos. But the Usos did not cooperate, and instead, they fought back, and put the Dudleys through the tables with stereo Superfly Splashes. BOOOOOOOOOO~!
  
  Man, I had theorized that one way to build on a Reigns' heel turn would be to eventually get the Usos in on the actions.... but even I did not see THIS coming. The fans are already out in front of it, and the Usos mere proximity to Roman is causing them to fall out of favor.
  
  That's the end of the preshow, so let's all go load up on food and drink. WrestleMania 32, proper, gets underway in mere moments!
  
  
• OPENING THEME/PYRO/ETC... and we're live in Dallas, TX. We get "America the Beautiful" and an opening hype package. We also get to meet 10 -- count them, TEN -- announce teams from all over the globe! Only the English, Spanish, and German crews are at ringside, but there are 7 more stationed on the mezzanine. And then, let's quit wasting time, as there are already ladders around the ring, and a title belt hanging above.
  
  
• ZACK RYDER WINS THE IC TITLE IN A 7-MAN LADDER MATCH OVER KEVIN OWENS, SAMI ZAYN, DOLPH ZIGGLER, MIZ, STARDUST, AND SIN CARA. Good reactions for all the guys as they enter, but the pops for Champion Owens and Sami Zayn are a notch above the rest, both as fan favorites. Miz is the runaway winner in terms of a heel reaction.
  
  Bell rings and it's pretty much full speed ahead into highspot-o-mania, with Zayn winning the opening sequence by hitting a "thread the needle" plancha through a ladder, through the ropes, and onto a mass of humanity, then springing to his feet to run over to the other side of the ring to hit his cut-the-corner DDT on Owens. That got the first "THIS IS AWE SOME" chants of the night, though when Zayn made the first serious attempt to climb the ladder, Sin Cara cut him off and sent us into another huge back and forth car wreck.
  
  Things finally get distilled down to Ziggler and Owens, who take each other down with dueling superkicks. Stardust is the last man standing, and he goes under the ring to bring out his own customized ladder. Last year, he had the Ecto Cosmic StarBird 5000 (which was basically a bedazzlered ladder, and was broken by Sin Cara), this year, he has the Ecto Cosmic StarBird 5000 Mark II, which is painted black and decked out with polka dots. DUTHTY FOH THAH WIN, DADDAY~!
  
  Unfortunately, that jerkface Owens snuffs out our fun and scoops Sin Cara's heat by dropping Stardust and chucking the ladder out of the ring. Owens takes a turn at setting up a ladder. Miz breaks it up, briefly, but eats a pop-up powerbomb. Owens tries again, and this time, Ryder breaks it up, and takes Owens out with a Macho Man Elbow from the top of a ladder. Ouch.
  
  Ryder climbs the ladder. Ziggler breaks it up.  Ziggler halfway up the ladder. Owens pulls him down and turns it into a powerbomb in the process. Stardust and Sin Cara rejoin the fray, and Stardust ends up laid out on a "ladder bridge" between the ring and the barricade.... Sin Cara tries climbing up the ladder in the middle of the ring, only to have Owens dump the ladder, causing Sin Cara to crash down through Stardust and the ladder bridge. Holy shit, indeed.
  
  Owens and Zayn both get to tthe top of the ladder, and start trading punches. Owens wins that exchange, and Zayn falls to the mat. Owens tries reaching up, but Zayn is able to snag his ankle. Owens crashes to the mat. Zayn up to the top, but then Miz topples the ladder, with Zayn clotheslining himself over the top rope.
  
  Miz seems to be alone, and takes his time ascending the ladder...but he milks it a moment too long, as Zack Ryder climbs up behind him, and sends Miz tumbling to the mat. Ryder reaches up, and..... HOLY SHIT, ZACK RYDER IS THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION~!
  
  Tremendous 20 minute spotfest, as you'd expect. But nobody could have foreseen that outcome. It was surreal enough when Ryder ended up IN the match, but winning it? Crazy. I can't see his reign lasting long, but nobody deserves a WM Moment more than that guy, and he got to celebrate with his dad, to boot. Awesome.
  
  
• CHRIS JERICHO DEFEATS AJ STYLES. Sounds like a 60/40 split, in favor of Styles, at least to start. For this match to click, I'm thinking we need to see that shift even more in favor of Styles, otherwise, there won't necessarily be enough to delineate between this and the previous three major matches we've seen between them. WM is not the place for been-there/done-that, so c'mon, Dallas, let's all agree to hate Y2Douchebag, OK?!?!
  
  Good back and forth opening segment that told the story of "been there, done that," in a good/productive way, as both men had each other scouted and countered. Tit for tat,and so forth. Jericho finally settled in on offense when Styles whiffed on a big plancha. Jericho really slowed down the pace, and amped up the heelish mannerisms (toying with AJ and taunting the crowd), the split appears to be stuck at 60/40. There's actually a substantial babyface pop when Jericho cinches in the Walls, about 8 minutes into the match.
  
  Styles gets a rope break and a hope spot that includes a near fall on an inverted blockbuster, but then a little more offense from Jericho.
  
  But when Jericho sets up for a superplex, AJ fights back, and turns it into a top rope facebuster. Both men down, and as they slowly get back to their feet, Styles starts a for real comeback. He builds up to a Pele Kick, but Jericho grabs the ankle, and turns it into an old school sit-down Lion Tamer, for another babyface pop.
  
  Styles gets another rope break, but Jericho doesn't want to release, so Styles fights though, and manages to counter into a Calf Crusher. It's dead center of the ring, so Jericho can't get a rope break... instead, Jericho twists and turns and gets  Styles into a pinning combo. Styles has to kick out, and in so doing, breaks the hold.
  
  Another back and forth grapple. Styles tries for the Styles Clash. Jericho counters and dumps Styles out of the ring. Styles tries for the springboard forearm, but whiffs. Jericho decides to use the Styles Clash against AJ, but AJ is fresh enough to counter into another modified facebuster.
  
  Both men are slow to get to their feet. When they get there, it's another back and forth grapple, and after an exchange of pinning combos, AJ is able to hit the Styles Clash. Jericho's turn to kick out of a finisher, but Styles has finally won over a healthy majority of the fans.  Sounds like 80/20 in favor of Styles, as the two men trade fists in the center of the ring. That breaks in favor of Jericho, who goes for a Lionsault. Styles gets the knees up to block. Styles steps out, and hits a sweet springboard 450 splash for another convincing near fall.
  
  Styles decides it's time to end it, and calls for the springboard forrearm.... but he takes a suspiciously long time to do so, playing cheerleader to goose the crowd. When Styles if finally ready to pounce, Jericho does a quick two-step to "hide" behind the ref, causing Styles to have a hitch in his motion. The ref quickly extriacates himself, and Jericho is in the clear.... but AJ's timing is now off, and Jericho catches him in mid-air with a Codebreaker. One.... two.... THREE!
  
  Wow, that's two in a row I didn't see coming. Jericho returns to actually WIN a match and "bury" a new guy at WM. That's not his MO. But it was a pretty solid match. Nothing earth-shattering, but 15 minutes and more or less on par with their previous trilogy of matches.
  
  
• BACKSTAGE: Maria Menounous is standing by with our NEW IC Champ, Zack Ryder. Zack is obviously overjoyed, but makes some pretty ominous comments about how if it was all over tomorrow, it wouldn't matter, because tonight, he's living the dream. So, ummmmm, Zack, I gather you'll be dropping the strap no later than tomorrow night's RAW.... I just hope this isn't all foreshadowing a Future Endeavoring, to boot. I'm not 100% up to speed on contract lengths, but I know there was talk of Ryder parting ways at the end of his current one... so maybe I'm wrong to get that sinking feeling. But if I'm right, hell of a going away present, though!
  
  
• THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS DEFEAT THE NEW DAY. The New Day's ring entrance is augmented by a giant 25 foot tall box of Booty-O's, which is just tremendous. The League of Nations' entrance is augmented by the unexpected announcement that this is a straight-up 6-man tag match, and NOT the previously announced handicap match. Wade Barrett will be the odd man out.
  
  Hot start for the New Day, but once they begin to celebrate -- complete with trombone accompaniment -- the LoN get pissed off, and take over. Eggsavier Woods falls in as a face in peril.  Rusev, Sheamus, and Alberto del Rio keep the ring cut in half and make the frequent tags.
  
  LoN makes the same mistake the New Day did, and get a little over-exuberant. ADR's mocking and taunting opens the door for a tag to Kofi, who rallies for a bit, then tags Big E into the match, for a huge spot in which he took out the entire LoN with his through-the-ropes tackle. Whoa.
  
  Tag to Woods, but it quickly breaks down into chaos. Various guys powder out, until it's Woods, Sheamus, and Barrett outside the ring. Sheamus (the legal man) distracts the ref. Barrett hits an illegal bullhammer, Sheamus follows up with the Brogue Kick, and that's that.
  
  The League of Nations are your winners after a pretty tepid 12 minute affair.
  
  
• BUT THEN... King Barrett decides to run his mouth about how the LoN is the most dominant collection of champions ever assembled, which seems like a bit of a stretch.
  
  And sure enough: BUSINESS. IS ABOUT. TO PICK UP!!!
  
  BAH GAWD, it's Shawn Michaels on his way to the ring. AND HE'S IN HIS RING GEAR!
  
  Next, KEE-RASH #1, it's Mick Foley, and he's in sweat pants, which is also his ring gear.
  
  And KEE-RASH #2, it's Stone Cold STONE COLD SSSTTTTTOOONNNEEE CCCOOOLLLDDD!!!!! Jeans and sneakers, but close enough for government work.
  
  At this point, no recap will really convey the moment, so just go to the youtubes, already.
  
  Short version: Socko for Sheamus. Sweet Chin Music for del Rio. Stunner for Rusev. Then Barrett gets passed around like Pall Malls in Prison. The New Day try to get the trio to dance; HBK and Foley play along, but Austin only briefly pretends before Stunnering Woods. YAY~! Then it's beers all around to soothe any injured feelings.
  
  Good times. Really good times.
  
  
• BROCK LESNAR DISPATCHES DEAN AMBROSE IN A STREET FIGHT. Brock enters first, and gets an "enhanced" ring introduction when Heyman bogarts the mic from Eden Stiles. Ambrose enters to a mighty pop of his own, though the crowd is pretty evenly split. And actually, I have to amend my previous comments about the crowd for Jericho/Styles, as that wasn't 60/40.... apparently, it was more like 40/30/30, with 30% just sort of holding back.
  
  Now, we have full and vocal participation, and a massive Big Fight Feel, as the crowd is evenly split between the two men. Or maybe that was full participation for Jericho/Styles, and now THIS is actually a 70/70 split, with 40% of the fans voting twice? I dunno, and let's just stop thinking too hard about it, and enjoy the spectacle.
  
  Ambrose tries to get out strong by using a kendo stick. This merely serves to annoy The Beast, who no sells the kendo, and rattles off a quartet of suplexes before the match is 90 seconds old. This is the basic storyline for the next 5 minutes, as Lesnar LAUGHS at your kendo stick attacks, and keeps hitting suplex after suplex.
  
  Brock gets up to Suplex #9, and Ambrose goes for the kendo stick AGAIN. Brock just puts his foot down, and chuckles at Ambrose . But in so doing, he's leaving his ballsac unguarded, so Ambrose does what he has to do: uppercut to the nuts.
  
  All of a sudden, things are a lot more even. Over the next several minutes, Ambrose uses a fire extinguisher and a steel chair. But he's never able to keep control for long. Lesnar gets Suplex #10 (a standard German) and #11 (an awesome run-up-the-ropes superplex!). Ambrose throws a giant pile of chairs into the ring, and Lesnar proceeds to hit #12 onto the pile. Ouch.
  
  Lesnar goes for an F-5 onto the pile. Ambrose elbows out and goes behind, turning it into Dirty Deeds onto the pile. Lesnar kicks out at 2, and for the first time, Ambrose has fans convinced he might be able to pull this one off.
  
  Ambrose dives outside, and finds Barbie, the Barbed Wire Baseball Bat. Lesnar ducks the first wild swing, goes behind, and snaps off #13, again onto the pile. Lesnar follows up with a Flash F-5, and..... wait, that's it? Yep, that's it. Lesnar wins.
  
  About 10-12 minutes, and while it had a sizzling pace and build-up, it sure as hell seemed to end abruptly, just scant moments after Ambrose actually had his Gravitas Establishing Spot, which seems an awfully anticlimactic way to set things up. Huh. Hope nobody got hurt, or anything, because if that was an audible, that's one thing, but if that was the plan, it's another.
  
  
• HALL OF FAME INTERLUDE. The Class of 2016 get their standard role call up on the giant stage. If you missed it, the HoF last night was was notable for two things: Michael Hayes' 17 hour long speech, and Sting's revelation that he is now officially retired. It's kinda too bad, and I admit I ALMOST let myself buy into Sting's too-strident denials of said rumor... but at the end of the day, every iota of information that's been passed along indicates this is the right move for the Stinger, and it's not a bad way to go out: blowing expectations out of the water by holding your own in a WWE Title Match.
  
  
• CHARLOTTE RETAINS/WINS THE NEW "WOMEN'S" TITLE WITH A WIN OVER BECKY LYNCH AND SASHA BANKS. Not sure if it's anything, but Lita will be watching on from ringside for this match, as she's got the new Women's belt and will present it to the winner. Maybe she'll do the right thing, and have Becky's back. Poor Becky is all alone out there, while Charlotte has Ric Flair (and a damned sweet robe that isn't just "in the style of" one of her dad's, but is actually re-cut from Flair's actual Retirement Match Robe; COOL!), and Sasha gets a special ring entrance with Snoop Dogg at her side.
  
  Full boxing-style ring intros from Lilian Garcia. Big cheers for Becky. Bigger cheers for Sasha. Enthusiastic boos for Charlotte.
  
  They go through some three-way mini-spots before Becky opts to powder out, giving fans a chance to focus on Sasha/Charlotte, which was a marquee feud for NXT a year ago, which is not forgotten. A minute or so of that, then Becky gets back into it, and cooperates with Sasha long enough to dispatch Charlotte, and give the fans a taste of their two favorites fighting it out. Then, we complete the trifecta, as Charlotte cheapshots Sasha, and we get a little bit of Becky/Charlotte.
  
  Tis the nature of WWE-style triple threats: one-on-one, powder, different one-on-one, powder, last one-on-one. Becky/Charlotte actually gets a bit extended, as it gives Charlotte the chance to lay a beatdown on a pure white meat babyface, without Sasha having to look weak.
  
  But then, just as she has for the past several months, Becky over-achieves, and fires up, actually getting Charlotte locked in the Disarmer. C'mon, Becky! But that damned dirty fogey, Flair, gets up on the apron and creates a distraction. Disarmer broken. Back and forth grapple, Charlotte gets the Figure Four, but has trouble elevating for the Figure Eight, due to the damage done to the arm.
  
  As Charlotte struggles to gain the necessary leverage, Sasha rejoins the fight, but going up top and hitting a frog splash on Charlotte. Sasha goes for a pin on Charlotte, but Becky breaks it up. More Becky vs. Sasha goodness. Charlotte tries to get back into it, but Sasha sees it coming, and diverts from charging Becky to hit a crazy suicide dive onto Charlotte. Flair starts harassing Sasha after that, so Becky decides it's time to take him out. Big time plancha onto Naitch. Yes!
  
  This exchange leaves Charlotte standing, so she goes up to the top rope, and hits an incredible moonsault from the top rope to the floor. Holy shit, my friends.
  
  No count-outs in 3-ways, so Charlotte sends them both back into the ring, and actually hits a double Natural Selection on Becky and Sasah. Goes for the pin on Becky. Becky kicks out. Pin on Sasha. Sasha kicks out. Pin on Becky, Becky kicks out. Pin on Sasha, Sasha kicks out.
  
  Charlotte realizes she needs to do more damage. A back and forth grapple with Sasha, and Charlotte gets Sasha into position for an Electric Chair.... but they lost track of Becky, who comes off the top rope with a crossbody that takes them BOTH down. Becky with the Disarmer on Charlotte (more damage to the arm), but Sasha breaks it up with hooking Becky in the Banks Statement. Charlotte drops an elbow on Sasha, and hooks her with a Figure Four.
  
  Again, it's hard to elevate into the Figure Eight, so Becky is able to reach in and pull Sasha out of the ring to safety. More awesome back and forth exchanges, until all three women are on the top rope.... they jockey for position, and it ends with Sasha sort of falling backwards into a Tree of Woe, while Becky hits  a kick-ass Exploder Superplex on Charlotte. [I love Becky, and am increasingly a powerless mark against her awesomeness,  but please don't make me use "Kick-Lass" in a sentence of my own writing!]
  
  Another exchange between the two, and Becky just might have this one in hand: another Disarmer! But Sasha breaks it up with a flash backstabber into the Banks Statement on Becky. Charlotte steps back and wipes out Sasha with a spear.
  
  Charlotte with the Figure Four on Becky. Charlotte fights the bad arm to get up into the Figure Eight. Sasha closes in to break it up. The ref's attention is focused on the submission. Ric Flair reaches up and pulls Sasha out of the ring, and holds her down. Charlotte gets the full Figure Eight locked in for the first time all match.... and Becky has to tap out. Dammit!
  
  Charlotte "retains" the title, but actually wins an all-new belt, which WWE accentuates with a giant fireworks display, making the moment even bigger and more impressive than the match already was. NXT just did a show on Friday where the women killed it and had the second-best match on the card (for my money).... well, so far tonight, I think a case can be made that the WWE women just delivered the second-best match (so far) of WM32. Good stuff.
  
  
• UNDERTAKER BEATS SHANE MCMAHON INSIDE HELL IN A CELL. Welp, that answers the biggest drama of the night: will WWE actually attempt to put Roman Reigns abject failure to be a babyface in the main event slot? Yes, they will. Which makes me think (hope) that maybe we aren't actually predicating anything on Reigns being a babyface, afterall. Otherwise, WWE is even stupider than we all already think they are.
  
  Shane does a fun happy-go-lucky entrance with his three sons bouncing around with him, on his way into the most hellacious and demonic structure in the history of the multiverse. Anywhere else, that's bad parenting. In wrestling, it's adorable. Taker has nothing special for his entrance; he just shows up, removes his hat, and slams the Cell door behind him, with a surgical focus on Shane-O-Mac.
  
  Mike Chioda is your referee in charge, and he calls for the bell to start the fight. From the get-go, Shane is trying to keep an arm's length distance to land jabs and kicks; Taker wants to get in close to control Shane. Much like Lesnar/Ambrose, fans are evenly split, and LOUD, like some of them might be voting twice (it's what I'd probably be doing).
  
  Taker takes control early, but everytime he hits a big move (like Snake Eyes, or the Apron Legdrop) and steps back, he gives Shane space, and Shane uses that space to line-up some sort of diving/charging blow to stay in the fight. Physical assault, hope spot, repeat.
  
  And then, Taker hits the Last Ride Powerbomb, just 6 minutes into the match. Shane kicks out at the last second, but that seems to change the dynamic from "Shane's staying in the fight" to "Shane's holding on by a thread." Taker, however, spends a bit too much time manuevering a segment of the ring steps into the ring.... and before Taker can use them, he reaches down to grab Shane, and Shane catches him and cinches him in a Triangle Choke.
  
  No DQ or rope break, so Taker's trapped for a bit, until he finally manages to roll over and catch Shane in a pinning combo. Shane has to break the hold to break the fall. Both men up, and almost immediately, the back and forth exchange breaks in Taker's favor, and he hoists Shane up for a chokeslam.... and turns to make sure the chokeslam lands ON THE RING STEPS. Ouch.
  
  But when Taker winds up for a big ass elbow drop, Shane moves, and Taker eats the steel.  Taker is actually first to his feet, but Shane rope-a-dopes him, and collapses onto the ring steps in a sitting position. Shane does the Roddy Piper "come on" move, and Taker comes at him.... Shane snaps off a wicked DDT onto the steps. Convincing near fall (boo on WWE producers for missing it by lingering too long a a split screen replay).
  
  Now, it's Taker's turn to play a bit of possum, and he lures Shane into a triangle choke (Hell's Gate, if you want to give it the Name Brand).... Shane fights it, fights it, and finally flips Taker over. It's a bit awkward, but he turns it into the Sharpshooter. Taker almost immediately powers out of it, before the situation gets too dire.
  
  But while he's out of the hold, he's still on defense, as Shane follows up with fisticuffs, backing Taker into a corner. Taker drops down. Shane goes outside and finds a trash can. Yep, he's thinking Coast to Coast.... does he still have the 20' broad jump after all these years?
  
  Holy shit, he has all that and room to spare! Coast to coast hits, and he almost OVERjumps it, as his feet miss, and his ass hits the trashcan and drives it into Taker's face. Athleticism is not supposed to INCREASE with age, dammit!
  
  Shane rolls Taker to mid-ring and makes the cover.... but Taker kicks out at TWWWWWOOOOO. Shane must move onto some Next Level shit. Shane looks up and around, and decides it's time to use the Cell as a weapon. He goes under the ring and finds some wire-cutters, and makes some strategic cuts on a portion of the Cell wall that faces the German Announce Table.
  
  But by the time that handiwork is done, Taker has recovered. Shane turns around, and he walks into a spear. A spear from the Undertaker that drives Shane through the Cell wall, and onto the German Announce Table. One: ouch, that hurts. Two: the Cell is now open, so let the extracurriculars begin.
  
  Taker exits and brawls on top of the Spanish Announce Table, too. Shane's in a bad way, as Taker tackles him through the barricade and calls for the Tombstone onto the time keeper's table. At the last second, Shane fights out and gets behind Taker, turning it into a sleeper on top of the barricade. Taker can't fight out, so he uses one last bit of energy to fall backward, driving Shane (and himself) through the English announce table.
  
  Both men are down, and slow to get up.... and once they do, Shane gets the better of it, thanks to whapping Taker upside the head with TV monitors. Eventually, Taker is laid out on the announce table, and Shane starts looking up again.
  
  No, Shane. No. Seriously, stop, you fool!
  
  But Shane is not listening to sanity at this point.... Shane whaps Taker a few more times, to make sure, then he starts climbing the side of the Cell. He gets up top. He briefly rethinks this foolishness. He re-commits to the foolishness.
  
  And then: Shane flies.
  
  Mostly, he just lets gravity do all the work... but he steps off the Cell and falls to ringside, where Taker just barely gets out of the way, causing Shane to crash through the table by himself. Holy shit.
  
  At this point, there's no doubt who will win, but they still milk it for about 5 mintues of mutual respect and mutual awe. Taker can't believe what Shane just did. Shane dares him to bring some more. Taker does, and Shane still has some life. So Taker dares Shane to bring some more. Shane does, and Taker finally puts him out of his misery.
  
  Tombstone. Fin. I had this pegged for a LOT more crazy outside interference to bolster the apparently-looming power struggle, but I can't say that wasn't convincing, satisfying, and decisive. Match was 35-40 minutes, so even if you want to accuse Shane and WWE of stagecraft, it was stagecraft that happened after he'd already done 30 minutes of punchy kicky. Respect to all involved for bringing it, and for taking the entire crowd on the ride with them.
  
  Story-wise, I figure they have some other way back to the "let's fix WWE" storyline, otherwise, this was kind of a cheap ploy that used up and wasted pretty much the ONLY character left who could reasonably shake up the power structure of WWE. Because make no mistake, there is a fundamental need to have a belief in SOMEbody transforming WWE, and if Shane doesn't do it, nobody's left for many years. But regardless, oh my, what a way to waste it, even if they did.
  
  Was it a great wrestling match, in the style of Gotch and Thesz? Nah. Did it rule? Yep. And if you weren't entertained by the spectacle, we're probably not going to be hanging out any time soon. End of story.
  
  Taker makes his exit after the match, glancing back with respect one last time, before we shift focus, and watch Shane loaded up onto a stretcher, and taken out on the back of a cart. He gives one last thumbs up before he leaves our line of sight.....
  
  
• BARON CORBIN WINS THE 3rd ANNUAL ANDRE BATTLE ROYALE. So the Andre Battle Royale has been a pre-show add-on the past two years.... this year, WWE elevated to main show status, and in so doing, treated it like the Rumble this time around, complete with an only partially announce entrant list. DRAMA~!
  
  This year, the first surprise entrant is Diamond Dallas Paige.... but the second is Shaquille O'Neil. Well, I'd vote that Titus would have been the more impactful O'Neil, but Shaq certainly gets a mighty pop.
  
  Show and Shaq do their thing, eliminating a few jabronis (and also, Damien Sandow; I'm welcome~!), and then everybody gangs up to eliminate them both. So with that, Show and Shaq hug, and walk away to collect some nice fat checks.
  
  It turns out there are a couple more unexpected participants (up until Kane, nobody got a ring entrance of their own), as NXT's Baron Corbin is here, as is Tatanka (Buffalo!) hailing from when I was in 8th grade.
  
  We go through some rapid fire elims, until we get down to the Social Outcasts doing an in-ring victory lap to celebrate their elimination of Goldust and Truth.... only to realize Kane, Mark Henry, Tyler Breeze, and Darren Young are still around.
  
  Social Outcasts go bye-bye.  Young and Breeze go bye-bye..... oh, and I totally forgot Baron Corbin is still in there. That's what he's best at: not being worth remembering~! ZING~! As soon as Kane and Henry double eliminate Breeze/Young, Corbin sneaks up on them and tosses them both.
  
  Baron Corbin, you're 2016 Andre Battle Royale Winner. Remember that one, it might win you trivial pursuit 8 months from now! DOUBLE ZING~!
  
  I keed. Corbin doesn't suck. He's just not, you know?, boss. Lots of other dudes and dudettes at NXT ARE boss, which is why we get annoyed when WWE goes for look/presentation, but Corbin's NOT a lost cause,and I hope he'll get a fair shot despite his lack of bona fides.  He's a guy who's vaguely acceptable at most skills, but who excels at none.... if he has a trick up his sleeve, gimmick-wise, he's good enough to hang. If he's just another douchebag, he'll be churned out the ass-end of WWE soon enough.
  
  
• ANOTHER INTERLUDE. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders hit the stage, and do a little dance, but it's all prelude to The Rock. The Great One hits the stage, and has a t-shirt cannon with him. So the crowd gets a few t-shirts.
  
  But it's not just a t-shirt cannon, it's also a FLAMETHROWER~!  Whee. Rock shoots it off, and then also sets his own prop on fire, so we get a flaming "RocK" with the R and K creating the illusion of Bull Horns. Cute.
  
  Rock heads to the ring, where he reveals his true purpose. He is not just the People's Champion, he is the People's Censustaker. He knows the true number of fans in the building tonight. Or at least, he claims to.
  
  Rocky claims 101,800-ish, which is a new WrestleMania record. Color me pleased: WWE did not even bother trying to lie to us (they intended for 110,000 to set the record for the Cowboys' Stadium, and a new indoor attendance record, which was 108,000 for the 2010 NBA All-Star Game in Dallas).... I won't say I believe 101,800 is a shoot for tickets-sold, but 93,000 wasn't a shoot, either, in terms of tickets sold, so what matters is that this is almost assuredly the most fans ever to gather for WrestleMania, and THAT is pretty cool.
  
  And then, the Wyatts crash the party. The Rock is a legend, and the Wyatts have been without any real purpose since the Rumble, but that doesn't stop damned near 100,000 fireflies from coming out to welcome Bray to the ring.
  
  Bray waits that out, and when the lights come up, he cuts a standard promo about how he will expose and eviscerate the Rock, because Rock is a puppet and Bray is a world eater and yadda yadda yadda....
  
  Rock responds to this by making a fat joke, because Bray is clearly an Eater of Hot Pockets. Also, there are Duck Dynasty jokes, and and Waffle House references. But somehow, Rock still manages to put Bray over, as Rocky's message is "I heard that pop, I see you dominate, I think you're special, but you do these things that make it easy for me to make fun, so why don't you man up and do something?"
   
  Bray seems flatter-gasted (you know, flabbergasted by flattery), and his best idea is to sic Strowman and Rowan on Rocky.... Rocky sees which way the wind is blowing and says, OK, forget WM33, forget having a "fight," let's have a match now. RIGHT NOW. Which one of you Wyatts will step up?
  
  Rock pulls off his shirt. Surprisingly, he's still ripped. Because he's in the middle of making "Baywatch: The Movie." But then, he rips off his pants, and holy shit, he's wearing his ring gear! The Baywatch people refused to give Rock clearance to have a match! But yet, here we are!
  
  Quick negotiations take place, a ref arrives, and Erick Rowan steps up as Rocky's opponent. Whip, duck, tackle, Rock Bottom. Rocky "wins" the "match" in SIX SECONDS. Which -- for insurance purposes -- was NOT a match. But it was fun as hell, and it's another WM Record: suck it, King Kong Bundy and your 9 second win at WM1 (which was actually more like 25 seconds, but the WWF insisted it was 9 all this time).
  
  Bray and Strowman get up on the apron, and things look bleak for the Rock.... and that's when John Cena's music hits. Run in by Cena, and the Rock and John Connection team up to send the Wyatts running.
  
  Fans seem pretty much sold on Rocky, but Cena only gets a slightly-better-than-usual response for this delightful little extracurricular add-on segment.
  
  Not sure, exactly, but this could be setting up Rock vs. Bray for WM33, or Rock/Cena vs. Wyatts for SummerSlam '16, or both.... it's one of those, and in a vacuum, it was also just a fun throw-away segment. Not as "grab-your-friend-and make-them-watch" as last year with Rock & Rousey, but still fun.
  
  
• ROMAN REIGNS BEATS TRIPLE H TO WIN THE WWE TITLE. Triple H continues his streak of point-and-laugh-worthy WM entrances. This time, borrowing from Mad Max/Sick Boys/et al, which was a great movie, but which is silly as hell to see a man older than me playing dress-up with it on a day that isn't even Halloween. Just awful, and impossible to take seriously. On the upside, Steph decided to be half-naked and remind us that she's still, ummm, boner material, to not mince words. By which I mean, she's still the totally smart and talented executive who hasn't overseen a dramatic downturn in her product's quality since 2004. Ahem.
  
  I'm torn, because I know I'm supposed to be serious about advocating the latter, but the results under Steph are real things, and they make it hard not to notice the former, above all else, when Steph is clearly encouraging us to notice. Also: it's just a ridiculously lame ring entrance in a long history of the same for HHH, and  you can't help but wonder why they keep sucking so hard.
  
  But then Reigns makes HIS entrance -- with no extra perks, just him walking down the ramp to the Shield Theme Song -- and it's almost more sad when you see how much he's getting booed. D'oh.
  
  Full boxing-style ring intros by Lilian, which just serve to underscore that Nobody Loves Roman. Also, only half the people like Hunter. But when Lilian gives a Steph her own introduction, the crowd seems to be in the same place I am: unable to entirely boo the tingle-worthy skankiness!
  
  Bell rings, and HHH just keeps trying his best to get boos. Toying with and bitchslapping Roman, taunting and antagonizing the fans.... but nobody's buying it. Every jerk move by HHH gets cheers, every attempt to stand up to it by Roman gets booed down. I've talked about percents and ratios for past matches, and let's just be clear: the most charitable assessment of where Roman is at is that he's the 1 percent. Good luck, junior.
  
  Here's how profound things are upside-down: Reigns finally gets his first real rally, and he's clobbering HHH.... so Steph gets up on the apron, and grabs the ref by the shirt so that he doesn't see HHH kick Reigns in the balls. The crowd cheers like mad for the sac-kick. As Roman writhes, the crowd piles on with "ROH. MANSUCKS." to the tune of "NEW. DAYROCKS." I think WWE assumes we'll finally start to feel sorry for how terribly this is all backfiring on Reigns.... not even close to that, yet.
  
  HHH resumes the dickish beatdown. This time, it builds up to  an out-of-the-ring brawl, with HHH intending to bash Reigns' skull into the announce table.... he gets a few shots in, but there is no giant gush of bloof from Reign's nose. Instead, they do a little back and forth exchange around the German ANnounce Table, with HHH finally hitting a swinging neck breaker off the table.
  
  HHH will take the count-out at this point.
  
  Reigns does not give it to him. Reigns back into the ring, HHH with a diving knee drop. More back and forth, and Reigns is draped over the top rope, so HHH goe sup top, eyeing another diving knee attack. But this time, Reigns moves out of the way, and starts a fire up. Oddly, this inspires about 10% cheers and 10% boos, and 80% apathy. It's worse than people booing Reigns, now, they're just sort of giving up on caring...... as long as they could keep finding a reason to cheer for HHH, this match wasn't gonna die on the table. but now? Uh oh.
  
  Match spills outside, with Reigns going for big time stuff, including a springboard move off the ring steps. The crowd are dead. A few wankers actually get an "EN EX TEE" chant to be audible over the silence to this WWE Title WM Main Event. The outside the ring brawl amps up. HHH tackles Reigns over the announce table. Yawn. HHH tackles Reigns through the barricade. Yawn.
  
  It's not for lack of effort: these guys are busting ass. But WWE shat the bed so hard for 16 months leading up to this that they can't possibly be surprised by this lack of reaction.  You can't be tone deaf for that long, and then expect to win people back with a 15 minute match. We need to be romanced, dammit!
  
  Reigns finally gets a super duper babyface fire-up, and cocks the Superman Punch.... but HHH snatches the wrist, and turns it into a crossface. Then, as Reigns fights out, into a cross armbreaker for a bit, before Reigns gets a full break, thanks to  a power move (using the one-arm to hoist HHH up for a powerbomb that got about 3 feet of elevation, which wasn't really convincing).
  
  HHH kicks out, and goes right back to the armbreaker.  I'm not keeping a stopwatch on it, but I think we're coming up on 4 minutes of armbar. THRILLING~! They re-do the one-arm power-lift spot, and this time, Reigns gets full elevation on it, so it doesn't look so bad. But nobody's buying it, so the live fans start in on the American Alpha chant for JORDANjordanjordanGABLEGABLE to amuse themselves until something interesting happens. Then, some OLE OLE OLE chants.
  
  In essence......
  
  Reigns finally does a full-on fire-up, and spears HHH. Steph gets in the ring to break it up. The fans respond by doing the "HEY, we want some BAYLEY" chant. While the ref tries to get rid of Steph, Reigns lines up to spear HHH, but HHH moves, so Reigns spears Steph. YAY?
  
  Yep, yay, the fans decide that a woman getting crushed by a man is the best thing so far in this match, so they pop for the  following spot in which HHH gets a cheap Pedigress on Reigns, but Reigns kicks out. Then, as they start trading blows again, the crowd breaks out into "HEY HEEEEEYY BAYLEY, will you be my girl?" and boos when Reigns hits a Superman Punch. HHH kicks out, and there's another little back and forth grapple.
  
  Both men are down, and HHH is down near the apron, where, Steph is able to hand him his favorite weapon: Sweet Lady Sledge..... at first, HHH tries to use it to score a cheap win, behind the ref's back. But then Reigns lands another superman punch,and HHH shifts gears, and appears dead set on just getting DQ'ed to escape with his belt.
  
  But on one last wild swing, Reigns ducks and hits a spear on the rebound, Cover. One. Two. Three.
  
  I mean ThrBOOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!! An audible mini-cheer gives way to boos, gives way to WWE producers completely shutting down the live audience with an overloud mix-in of Reigns' music that creates a flimsy illusion that this isn't an absolutely unsatisfying climax as far as most of WWE's fanbase are concerned.
  
  That's how the show ends: with the monkeys in the truck over-producing the moment to make sure that we neither see nor hear the actual response to Reigns' win. Tight and close on the faces (Reigns is selling the mountain he just conquered, StepHHH are clearly plotting their next evil step), with the Sheild Music blaring, as we fade to black. 

And so ends the show. I dunno what else to say that I haven't said already. WWE did so much incredible stuff tonight -- from the opening ladder match, to the women's breakout match, to the Shane/Taker spectacle, to the Rock segment -- that it's unreasonable to pretend like you didn't get your time and money's worth.
 
Yet, WWE is unreasonable if they think this whole thing with Roman Reigns is an acceptable presentation on any level. For 16 months, it's been bludgeoningly apparent where things stand, and for that entire time, WWE has pretended like WE, the fans, are the problem, and they'll fix us.
 
Well, 16 months after Roman Reigns inexplicable Slammy win -- when he was injured for half the year and wasn't even the best one on the Shielf for the other half of the year -- we're not budging, and WWE still has a serious Reigns problem of their own making.
 
Time will tell if they try to fix the problem (with a heel turn, roster re-alignment, ro somethign), or if they just keep pushing ahead with antagnozing their fans.
 
Logic would seem to dictate that the don't really do the latter... but WM32 is the EXACT TYPE OF SHOW that might enable WWE to go that route: a vocal minority of people are upset with WM32, because Rocky! Shane Cell Jump! Cena is back! Mainstream Coverage!
 
Even if you get real, and point out that a MAJORITY of loyal week-in/week-out WWE fans are probably annoyed by the ending of that show, WWE can fire back with: "Yeah, but you liked Shane. And Rocky. You'll be back."
 
And frustratingly, they are right. None of us is really so pissed that we'll walk away and stop giving WWE the attention they need to keep existing.... but here's the real problem: WWE is painting this like some binary game, and it isn't.
 
Any time you hear HHH or Steph or Reigns do a promo about a "splintered fan base" or a "polarized culture," they are creating a false narrative in order to excuse their inability to actually work to put on the best possible product. I know you can't just make Sami Zayn the WWE Champion because the Loyal Fans would mark out for it. But I also know that's no excuse to pretend like YOUR best idea is "Let's make Roman Reigns the Guy." You can find common ground, you can get the marketable mainstream AND the guy your fanbase will embrace so that you don't have to give Kevin f'n Dunn six weeks notice so he can figure out how to edit the angles and the sound to make up for the fact that 90% of the fans who PAID to attend your BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR just HATED that ending.
 
Priorities, dammit, priorities. WM32 was a fun show with a not-very-fun ending, which is made all the more frustrating by the fact that WWE KNEW it wasn't very fun, but put their effort into circumventing the response, rather than putting the effort into MAKING IT BETTER. Oy. This is NOT "satisfy the loyal base" OR "make an accessible mainstream show." You can and SHOULD aspire to do both, because if you do, we (the loyal base) will HELP YOU get even more access to the mainstream, instead of being ashamed of our fandom. Jesus, why is this even still a debate today? "Deadpool" didn't make eleventy billion dollars because the suits ignored the base and  made a movie according to their marketing and focus group data. "Deadpool" made eleventy billion dollars by making the fans happy, and the fans brought two, three, six more friends along the next weekend.
 
Way to be "Batman vs. Superman," WWE: the focus group, suit-made spectacle that keeps snagging the mainstream fanbase, but instantly loses 80% of that audience in its second weekend, and which keeps having to regenerate another mainstream splash because it can't sustain any momentum.
 
I guess a Reigns heel turn could still be coming, with decent results going forward. I dunno, that could be A Thing. But tonight sort of makes me dispair.... the ship may have sailed on that heel turn, because 15 mintues in, the fans stopped CARING about Reigns. They NEVER cheered for him, but they kept booing for the past few months, where we hoped there was something fun waiting for us.... but tonight, they bailed halfway through the match, and just went limp.
 
Limp, with periodic chants and songs about Bayley.
 
Make no mistake: Bayley is the best. But if WrestleMania 30 had ended with a dead crowd offering up distracted chants about "KEV. VINSTEEN," WWE would have blamed Daniel Bryan for coming up short when he got his shot.  Yet, this year, I suspect WWE Front Office will view things differently.  
 
What sucks is that it's not even Reigns' fault. He's a good guy and a good hand, and talented enough to anchor a top spot. We've put up with Randy Orton for 12 years, and Reigns is easily Orton-plus in terms of objective ability. This is an issue of presentation, and WWE has done Reigns wrong on that front.
 
Two years ago, Reigns was the least interesting member of the Shield. Then, the Shield broke up. Rollins got the insta-push of Money in the Bank, and Rollins did the hard work and heavy lifting to become a grassroots anti-authority figure. Reigns just kept using the same music and the same gear, like a guy who shows up at your 10-year reunion and doesn't realize that he's the only one who thinks High School was the best time of his life.
 
As an added bonus, Reigns' whole storyline is that he's the bane of the Authority's existence, which is why we're supposed to like him. We hate the Authority, right? So therefore, ergo, and thusly, we must like Reigns. Except: we don't buy it. Reigns is THE TOOL OF THE WWE FRONT OFFICE. He's not the bane of it, he's the creation of it. When WWE tries to paint him as their nemesis, nobody in this post-modern era of wrestling-suspension-of-disbelief can even pretend to give a shit. Reigns is, realistically, WWE's boy. Reigns is, narratively, WWE's enemy.
 
No sale.
 
And that's what went wrong tonight. And that's what's been going wrong for 16 months. And unless there's some giagantic bit of retcon chicanery coming tomorrow night, it's what's gonna keep being wrong for a while.
 
The RAW After Mania has taken on a life of its own as a Major Event, so perhaps tomorrow starts putting the pieces back in some kind of sensible order. With that in mind, I'll repress my urge to weight the Final Taste int he Mouth as heavily as I usually do, and give some big time credit to the great stuff that happened elsewhere along the almost-six-hour ordeal from the start of the first match to the show going off the air.
 
Keeping in mind that some of the stuff on the undercard also underdelivered (Lesnar/Ambrose's sudden end, especially), I think we call it a B, and move on. Perhaps another grade, once we have the benefit of hindsight. Perhaps not.
 
We'll all reconvene here in 24 hours, when I have the RAW Recap, and start our re-assessment, OK? See you then, OO Nation....

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