Pre-Segment 1: Vince McMahon and Stephanie McMahon arrive by limo and chat about the weather while making entrance in the building. Jojo intercepts them and... uh, doesn't have a chance to ask any questions as they blather about how historic the Rumble will be while not-so-subtly insinuating that Roman Reigns has no chance to win it. Also, Stephanie did the whole segment with one strand of hair curled around her face and caught in her lips. This... this bothered me. Especially since a girl pushing a strand away from her face throttles my engine.

Ah, pointless pre-segments selling a show that I'm actively watching... how I've missed you, WWE. But that reminds me, you all reading this should totally read Online Onslaught! Because Online Onslaught covers professional wrestling! I bet you didn't know that we're presenting the Royal Rumble recap, too!

Segment 1 [Last Man Standing Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Dean Ambrose defeats Kevin Owens by countout, and retains. On impulse, I bought something called “Best Damn Root Beer,” which is root beer and beer. It's a damn lie, and I'm going to grab my Pepsi instead. My girlfriend described its aftertaste as “toothpaste,” which is sadly accurate. Hopefully this match will wash away the sadness on my tongue.

And damn, Ambrose and Owens didn't give me a chance to get my corn syrup water as they start punching the shit out of each other. Ambrose won the first exchange overall with a running bulldog. Owens rolled out, Ambrose hit a suicide dive, and it sent Owens over the table into Michael Cole's lap. Kind of literally too: he may or may not have broken Cole's laptop, and in his flailing of a sell job, he broke Cole's glasses too. Heh.

The ref started a ten count (despite Owens leaning against the stairs and not being “down”), but Ambrose grabbed a kendo stick out from under the ring and wailed on him a bit. Owens managed to get the momentum back and slammed Ambrose into the corner barricade near the timekeeper's area; Owens followed up with a running cannonball, breaking the barricade and putting Ambrose down for eight.

Ambrose got to his feet, but Owens didn't hesitate with the kendo stick before bringing Ambrose back into the ring. Power offense from there, and the fight spilled outside again, where Owens chucked Ambrose into a different part of the barricade. Owens didn't expect Ambrose to stay down despite the count, so he spent his time grabbing chairs, which he used as a follow-up. Then Owens just chilled on the chairs during another count.

Ambrose popped up, and the fight went back inside. Owens teased a slam or suplex onto the chairs he had set up, but Ambrose fought out of it and hit a strong lariat out of nowhere. Owens took momentum back anyway with a couple strong chair shots, then took a breath as Ambrose stayed down to seven. Another exchange where Owens teased a powerbomb onto the chairs, but Ambrose reversed it into a back body drop. Both guys down, both guys up at five.

Owens went through the ropes to get a breath. Ambrose went for a suicide dive again, but Owens had him scouted and caught him, driving him spine-first into the edge of the apron. Owens followed up by chucking him into the stairs several times. At eight, Ambrose managed to get to his feet by pulling himself up with the stairs.

Ambrose went down again, but the count was reset. Owens then pulled out a table from under the ring and set it up in a different corner, then stacked a second table on top of it. Ambrose managed to get in the ring, so Owens dragged him over to the turnbuckle nearest the double-table structure. Owens teased a superplex, but Ambrose defended himself, then grabbed a chair and threw it at Owens. The chair actually looped around Owens's head and neck; I'm sure that wasn't intentional. But they rolled with it as Ambrose punched and chopped the chair, which, due to Professional Wrestling Physics, caused additional damage. Once the chair was dislodged, Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds.

Owens stayed down... till seven, but was on Dream Street. Ambrose quickly positioned a new chair on the mat, then hit Dirty Deeds again onto the chair. Owens took the count to nine, but he rolled out of the ring and held the bottom rope to technically be on his feet to break the count.

Owens staggered toward the broken barricade; Ambrose ignored him to set up a new table. He smacked Owens against a commentating table, then lay him on the plywood table. Ambrose hopped up the turnbuckle and came off with a sharp elbow, driving Owens through the table. The fans fired up a “Heavenly Feces” chant as the count came, but both guys got up to their feet before the ten.

Both guys staggered around. Owens managed to get in the ring, while Ambrose pulled a new table out from under the ring and slid it inside. Ambrose set it up near the northeast corner, then pulled Owens up the turnbuckle. He teased a superplex, but Ambrose managed to somehow reverse it into a tilt-a-whirl side slam in midair to drive Ambrose through it instead. Second “Holy Shit” indeed, crowd.

Ambrose managed to answer the count, but ate a Pop-Up Powerbomb pretty much to no resistance. He got to his feet at nine, but then immediately flopped like Ric Flair. Owens controlled his disbelief long enough to grab a chair and smash Ambrose with it, then set up a five-chair structure in the southwest corner. He laid Ambrose across it as if it was a table, then started up the turnbuckle. Ambrose popped up to his feet and shoved Owens off the top rope, sending him in a senton-flip like crash through the double-table structure! Owens couldn't answer the count, and it's going to be very hard-pressed to beat that for Match of the Night. The memory of that gross drink has been purged.

Segment Maybe?: So, uh, WWE Network died on me while showing a commercial for itself. So I don't know if I missed anything, but next thing I know, New Day is on its way to the ring.

Pre-Segment 2: ...Well, two members anyway. Big E and Kofi Kingston say that TND has been in mourning since their trombone was murdered, and they expect a moment of silence.

But wait, there's a trombone-like sound, and soon Xavier Woods pops out with a new Francesca as he joins his buddies. Her name is apparently Francesca II, and the power of positivity brought them together. And that same power is going to make sure they retain their tag titles tonight, which Big E punctuates with a pelvic circle and orgasmic face that seems to be a mix of Sexual Chocolate and Val Venis, apparently because I miss the 90s.

Also, Kofi mentions GoldenEye for reasons I won't get into. This makes me incredibly happy, since that was pretty much the greatest game on the Nintendo 64 and feeds my nostalgia even harder.

Segment 2 [Tag Match for the Tag Team Titles]: The New Day (w/ Xavier Woods) defeat The Usos by pin, and retains. Basic opening to start with the Usos winning it and keeping Kofi contained. Pretty one-sided, though the Usos oddly distract the ref while the illegal Uso clotheslined Kofi's head off. They even got booed for it. Huh.

Big E manages to tag in shortly thereafter, and he wrests momentum by chucking Jey shoulder-first into the ring post. The fight spilled outside, where Jey sent Big E into the newly repaired barricade, but Woods (behind the ref's back) nailed him with a tornado DDT into the black mats. Kofi then applied a rest hold, and Woods started to play Francesca II, but the crowd started cheering for him to do so, so he just dropped it and said he only plays when he wants to. Tons of boos. Heh.

Heel beatdown continued as E dominated Jey. Regular tags kept Jey in control; Xavier blew a few notes, which drew cheers, so he slowed down. Heh, it's almost reverse psychology. But maybe the notes would have helped, as Jey reversed an attempted kick and sent Kofi to the floor. Double hot tags, and Jimmy kept a house of fire to E, thought the crowd suddenly didn't give a shit. If anything, they even booed the Usos, but did play along with an “Oos! OH!!!” exchange... more weirdness.

Regardless, we're in the end-game as Kofi sends Jey over the southwest barricade corner. But he doesn't stay down for long as he comes back with a flying shoulder off the top of the barricade. Meanwhile, Jimmy was on the west apron, and E did a suicide Spear through the ropes to take him down.

All four men on the west mats, but E recovers first and gets Jimmy in the ring and shoots the half. Only two, but they set up their dual Big Ending with Kofi. Jimmy dodges it, and dodges a Trouble in Paradise as well. He hits a kick, hot tags to Jey, and Jey hits a diving headbutt off the top rope. Jey shoots the half but only gets a two as Kofi gets a foot under the bottom rope.

After another exchange, Kofi drives Jey to the heels' corner. E tags himself in without Jey realizing it; when Jey fights off Kofi and goes to the top for another diving headbutt, E materializes and catches him, then hits the Big Ending. Pin, three, done... and cheers. Decent match, and I enjoyed the false end-game, but it's nothing anyone is going to be talking about tomorrow.

Segment 3 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Kalisto defeats Alberto Del Rio by pin, and is the NEW United States Champion. ADR has all the momentum as we get started as he overpowers Kalisto. Kalisto gets his first offense with a suicide dive after sending ADR to the west ringside. A stiff kick later, Kalisto flings ADR into the ring and climbs the ropes. ADR recovers, hits his beautiful running step-up top rope enziguri, then pins for two.

Rest holds from there as ADR targets the neck. When Kalisto breaks out, ADR quickly contains him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, followed by a flying double ax handle or something; it was a little awkward, whatever it was. Pin, only two.

ADR flings Kalisto out of the ring—which Kalisto properly oversells—but falls to a huracanrana counter when he tries to follow up. The fight returns to the ring, and Kalisto tries a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, but ADR counters with a... uh... I guess a gutbuster with double knees? I guess that's would you call it? Pin, only two because Kalisto grabbed the ropes.

Kalisto escapes the ring, but ADR follows and flings him into the barricade. ADR tosses him back in, puts him on the top rope, and starts to pull off his mask. He manages to get halfway off before Kalisto fights him off, but it doesn't get anywhere as ADR overpowers him again with a strong superkick. Pin, only two.

ADR preens and pumps himself up as he goes for a Rolling Cross Armbreaker, but Kalisto broke out and scrambled to the top rope. ADR whiffed on his second step-up enziguri, and Kalisto followed up with flippy moves. Pin, only two; more flippy moves, more pins, more twos.

Now it's Kalisto's turn to preen and pump himself up, which the fans do with him. Kalisto to the top rope, but ADR catches him and hits a super back suplex-to-facebuster. Kalisto rolls slightly out under the bottom rope, sending the ref to check on him, but we get the Single Fist of Health.

ADR takes a moment before grabbing Kalisto and disrespectfully slapping him a few times. But Kalisto counters with a jawbreaker, then hits a... thing... It was supposed to be a sunset flip, but he botched it and fell on top of his head. Damn, that could have been bad, but ADR sort of rolled through it anyway to make it look like a pinning situation. Only a two count.

ADR retreated to the corner, then defended himself against a charge. He tried hitting Kalisto with his signature double stomp, but Kalisto dodged and countered with the Salida del Sol. Pin, only two because ADR grabbed the bottom rope.

ADR flung Kalisto out of the ring, but Kalisto came back with a springboard splash attempt off the top rope. ADR countered with double knees. Pin, only two, so he ripped off the turnbuckle pad on the southwest corner. ADR tried to snake eyes Kalisto onto it, but Kalisto stopped himself. When ADR charged, Kalisto slipped him and hit a headscissors, which caught ADR's forehead onto the exposed steel. Kalisto quickly followed up with a second Salida del Sol, hit the pin, and recovered his title. Good match aside from the minor botch.

Segment 4: Stephanie and Paul Heyman exchange some words in the back. Heyman mentions Stephanie's pores before sucking up to her. Ew.

There's a lot of vague blathering, which concludes with Heyman promising that Reigns is going to be taken to Suplex City tonight.

Segment Something?: Once more WWE Network freaks the hell out. Weird. It seems to work way better on my PC than my Xbox 360 for some reason. Ah well, switching outputs, just in time to see Charlotte's entrance.

Segment 5 [Singles Match for the Divas' Title]: Charlotte (w/ Ric Flair) defeats Becky Lynch by pin, and retains. Standard back-and-forth to start the show with each woman gaining a win on an exchange. The crowd is into it—perhaps more than they were in the tag match—as Lynch manages a quick arm bar and an attempted pin. It fails, and Charlotte applies her own once she breaks free. Lynch counters by shoving Charlotte through the ropes.

Charlotte takes a breather, but Lynch exits the ring to follow up. Flair cuts her off and... uh, kisses Lynch? He woos multiple times, but we're in the teens, and that shit doesn't fly anymore: Lynch punches him in the face, not knocking him down however. Still, Charlotte is able to take advantage of the distraction (though she looked pretty much as grossed out as everyone else). She tosses Lynch inside, then begins the heel beatdown.

Charlotte stays clean as she goes for headscissoring moves, including some neat headlocks with her legs while she keeps shifting positions, really damaging the neck. But Becky fights out of it, including hitting an electric chair drop. Lynch then goes house of fire with a million clotheslines and a superkick, then goes for a corner charge. However, Charlotte blocks the momentum and counters with a neckbreaker in the corner. Charlotte went for a Figure Eight, but Lynch slipped out, though Charlotte countered the slip and went for a pin.

Two count only, and Lynch stole momentum with a bunch of leg drops and a leg hooked suplex. Pin, only two.

Lynch fires herself up—with the crowd on-board and helping her out—as she went for her Disarmer finisher. Charlotte slipped it and hit a stiff Spear, shot the half and hooked both legs, but only got two.

Both women to their feet, and Charlotte shoves Lynch onto the top rope before delivering a few forearms. Charlotte then wanted to hit her with a move off the top, but Lynch caught her arm, rolled her through, and applied an armbar. Charlotte defended herself and dead-lifted Lynch to deliver a powerbomb, but still couldn't close the deal as Lynch got to the bottom rope.

Flair happened to be standing there, and when Charlotte went for a baseball slide, Lynch dodged; Flair took the hit, and Charlotte looked on as he sold it. Lynch went for a school girl, but Charlotte kicked out at two. Lynch applied the Disarmer, but Flair took off his suit jacket and threw it over Lynch's face. Lynch broke the submission to yell at Flair for the distraction. So did the ref, so behind his back, Charlotte thumbed Lynch's eye and split her in half with a Spear. Pin, three, done. Decent, nothing special.

Post-Segment 5: Wait, not done. Charlotte shit-kicked Lynch anyway despite winning the match, and slammed her head a few times either into the title belt or just next to it. Flair raised Charlotte's arm, and the fans booed.

Then they cheered as Sasha Banks hit the ring. They made eyes at each other... then Banks shit-kicked Lynch. Heel turn? Tweener turn? Whatever it is, it got the fans booing for about five seconds. Then Banks slunk toward Charlotte, said something, then offered her hand. Charlotte gave her a low five, the fans booed, and Charlotte opened the ropes for Flair to leave.

Flair indeed left... then Banks pearl harbored Charlotte, locking in the Bank Statement to massive cheers. Banks released it after a while, and Charlotte kinda undersold it as she watched Banks saunter away.

Segment 6: The Royal Rumble for the WWE Championship

As we've done for the last few years, this recap is a little different than normal. While you likely already know who won, I'm going to be writing it in “real time” with present tense, entrant-to-entrant until we get down to the final group. Entrants are in bold, eliminations are underlined. Let's do it!

Entrant #1 is Roman Reigns, which we knew. A cute moment where he sort of pulled a Deadpool: as he came in, a bug (as in, “graphic bug”) appeared in the top-right corner that read “Roman Reigns - #1.” Reigns actually looked at it, or appeared to, like he was breaking the fourth wall. Heh.

Entrant #2 is Rusev, accompanied by Lana—man is it nice to see her—who walks away without leaving the stage. Rusev gets in the ring, and it's on.

Power offense from both guys with Rusev getting the best of it, and even tried eliminating Reigns after just a moment. After another exchange, Rusev threw him through the ropes. Not an elimination, so Reigns took a second to collect himself, hit his signature double kick, slid in the ring, Speared Rusev, then threw Rusev over the top rope.

Entrant #3 is... whose music is that?... AJ STYLES! Woo!!! He slow-walks to the ring as the fans lose their shit, and he gets in the ring while absorbing the fans' cheers. He's grown his hair and beard out, and looks way different than he used to, but whatever. Styles goes all offense but tries the Styles Clash way too soon, and Reigns counters it with a Samoan Drop. To massive boos. Welp.

Entrant #4 is Tyler Breeze, who kicks Styles and Reigns and tries to eliminate the latter. Styles takes a second to recover, then hits Breeze with several strikes. He picks up Breeze near the top rope; Reigns kicks Styles in the face, which makes Styles drop Breeze over the top rope.

Entrant #5 is Curtis Axel, who manages to shit-kick Reigns several times to take him down. Styles tries to put Axel down, but Axel counters his attempts with a knee to his face. Reigns then tries to toss Axel, but his Social Outcast buddies run interference. Doesn't matter; AJ helps out, and it's Styles who kicks Axel over the top rope.

Entrant #6 is Chris Jericho, who also slow-walks to the ring. After a pregnant pause, Jericho goes right after Reigns. Styles wanted a piece of that, so Jericho just chopped him. Jericho sent Reigns to the post shoulder-first, but then Styles kept Jericho contained. Styles wanted the Styles Clash, but was countered again as Jericho wanted the Walls. Reigns put a stop to that with a punch as the clock wound down.

Entrant #7 is Kane, who goes after everyone in the ring and keeps all three guys contained by himself, including a picture-perfect sidewalk slam to Reigns. Kane even flung Jericho over the top rope, but Jericho saved himself; Kane didn't care and worked on Styles while Reigns broke away and worked on Jericho.

Entrant #8 is Goldust, who I haven't seen in way too long. He doesn't really accomplish much in the ring, easily contained by Jericho, who also keeps Styles contained. Kane and Reigns start their offense as well, and the powerhouses maintain general momentum.

Entrant #9 is Ryback, who basically goes house of fire on everyone before trying to toss Jericho. Goldust stops that and even tries to eliminate Ryback, but The Big Guy manages to defend himself, even once Jericho helps out. Reigns and Goldust play with each other as the clock ticks.

Entrant #10 is Kofi Kingston, which is weird since it looks like they're escorting Xavier Woods, but whatever. He slides in the ring and starts beating the shit out of Reigns. Big E and Woods hangout at ringside and taunt the shit out of Reigns. Styles gets flung about by both Jericho and Goldust, but manages to hang on.

Entrant #11 is Titus O'Neil, who decapitates Kofi and Goldust with a shoulder tackle and big boot respectively. Styles tries a flying cross body, but O'Neil just catches him and plants him on the mat. Kane then tries to get involved too, but O'Neil defends himself before eliminating Goldust by tossing him over the rope and body splashing him off the apron. That was almost anticlimactic, though Reigns and Styles almost both get eliminated.

Entrant #12 is R-Truth, who.... uh, stops short of the ring to introduce a super ladder into the match? Holy fucking shit. Wait... he's setting it up in the middle of the ring, and everyone just stands there to watch as Truth ascends the ladder, looks up, and is absolutely confused why the title isn't up there. Truth descends the ladder, then Kane grabs him by the throat and throws him over the top rope. Thanks for playing, Truth.

Then Kane tosses the ladder away—to my surprise and relief—then clotheslines Kofi over the top rope, but Big E catches him on his shoulders before his feet touch the floor. E even does a victory lap, and Kofi steals a fan's soft drink to sip while hanging out outside the ring.

Entrant #13 is Luke Harper, who starts attacking Kane of all people. But that's not important, as the League of Nations enters through the crowd and drags Reigns out from under the bottom rope. Vince McMahon is there to watch as all four members beat the living piss out of Reigns, tossing him into the barricade and generally making his life miserable.

Entrant #14 is Stardust, but again we don't care as Reigns gets destroyed as he's laid out on one of the non-American commentary tables. It's a setup as Rusev goes coast-to-coast across the three tables and splashes Reigns through the table. The LoN cheers, Vince laughs and hugs the heels, and Cole loses his mind and almost his voice. The LoN and Vince then leave, with Rusev taking a monitor with him. Cole tells us that Kofi Kingston was eliminated by Chris Jericho during that fracas.

Entrant #15 is Big Show, who ignores the heels as he makes his way to the ring. After a short exchange, Big Show eliminates both Titus O'Neil and Ryback. Stretchers arrive to help Reigns, who walks toward the back on his feet but leaning on refs. He pauses halfway up the ramp; the refs try to get get him onto the stretcher, but he once against resists.

Entrant #16 is Neville, who goes aggressive against Harper, but Stardust keeps him contained. Nothing much happens, other than me wetting myself at the thought of Styles vs. Neville at some point, hopefully sooner than later.

Entrant #17 is Braun Stroman, who floors Styles and Neville, then grabs Kane by the throat and sends him over the top rope. Then Strowman and Big Show face off, exchanging blows and throat grabs. Strowman locks on a side headlock, and Show looks like he fades. Strowman pushes him over the top rope; Big Show tries to hang on, but lets go and hits the floor.

Entrant #18 is Kevin Owens, who sells a big limp as he hobbles toward the ring. I have to confess: I'm a big Owens fan and hope he makes something of it. He opens by going after Styles, who takes him down with an enziguri. Neville got involved as well, but Owens took him down, then threw AJ Styles over the top rope. Well, Styles made a showing of it, and Owens immediately draws heat for it. Owen sarcastically waves goodbye to Styles ashe tries to toss Neville, but Jericho makes the unintentional save as he attacks Owens.

Entrant #19 is Dean Ambrose, which draws the attention of Owens before Ambrose even pops out of the back. Ambrose is game, and they go right after each other with Ambrose getting the win by mudhole-stomping him in the corner. Stardust makes a save and helps Owens contain Ambrose, working on him together with Harper helping out now and then too.

Entrant #20 is Sami Zayn, who also gets Owens's attention as well as the fans'. Zayn goes after Owens and puts him down; Stardust again tries to run interference, and Owens knocks Zayn down. But Zayn recovers quickly, puts Stardust down, then chucks Owens over the ropes. Owens can't believe it, and the fans chant “Sami! Sami!” to add insult to injury.

Entrant #21 is Erick Rowan, who comes to the aid of Luke Harper. With three of the four Wyatt Family members now in the ring, they quickly decimate everyone else. Rowan clotheslines Neville over the top rope but doens't finish it, though Harper does with a big boot. Rowan tosses Stardust soon after. Strowman goes to work on Jericho but can't get anywhere with him.

Entrant #22 is Mark Henry, though looks a little hesitant but charges in anyway. He tries to take the entire Wyatt Family, which works about as well as you can expect. Strowman hits him with a scoop slam like it's no big thing, and all three Wyatt Family members dump him over the top rope. Jesus. Thanks for playing, Mark. They pick apart Zayn, and Strowman dumps him over the top rope. Other than the Family, Jericho and Ambrose are the only two in the ring.

Entrant #23 is Brock Lesnar, so that will even the odds. He takes Harper and Rowan to Suplex City, though Strowman sucker-punches him and keeps Brock contained... for about five seconds. Lesnar is able to just manhandle and out-power Strowman, clotheslined Rowan over the ropes, and clotheslined Harper in a way that sent Harper down so hard that he just exited the ring from under the ropes. Uh oh... that's not a good sign. Strowman tries to make a save, but gets taken down too. Harper reenters the ring, so he's not too badly hurt, but Lesnar puts him down.

Entrant #24 is Jack Swagger, who immediately eats an F5 and gets eliminated second afterward by Lesnar. Lesnar continues to fling everyone about, but tries especially to focus on Strowman with flying knees.

Entrant #25 is The Miz, who looks a bit too cocky given that he's facing down Lesnar. Lesnar looks bored and bemused as Miz... uh... gets on a headset? Well, I guess Miz is just going to hangout on commentary before bothering to enter the ring. Heh. Lesnar sends Ambrose and Harper to Suplex City, then starts beating on Strowman. Soon after, Harper takes another suplex, and Lesnar clotheslines him over the top ropes.

Entrant #26 is Alberto Del Rio, who tries to help Ambrose to attack Lesnar. That's an odd alliance, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Doesn't matter as Lesnar fights them both off and takes ADR to Suplex City, then Lesnar goes after Strowman again. It takes a few more lariats, but Lesnar clotheslines Strowman over the top rope.

Entrant #27 is Bray Wyatt, who doesn't have his family to help him out. He's all smiles anyway, possibly because he's crazy. Wait... he stops short of the ring... and the rest of the Family jump in the ring and kick Lesnar's ass anyway. No DQs, baby: Wyatt himself enters the ring and starts directing traffic as the whole Family tries to dismantle Lesnar. Lesnar is able to send all three members to the floor though, then faces down Wyatt. Wyatt offers his hand in fake friendship, whiffs a punch, then gets taken down by Lesnar. Lesnar teases an F5, but the Family is there again to make the save. Sister Abigail to Lesnar, and the Wyatt Family together eliminates Lesnar.

Lesnar gets up... but he's not leaving yet. Hm.

Entrant #28 is Dolph Ziggler, who goes right after Jericho and ADR. Ziggler manages to go house of fire, but then Miz slides in the ring. He tries to toss Ziggler, but Ziggler skins the cat. Miz hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale and tries to toss him then, but can't close the deal. Miz switches targets to go after Jericho, and he remains the freshest in the match thusfar.

Entrant #29 is Sheamus, which should mean #30 is Wade Barrett, right? Guess we'll know soon as Sheamus saunters to the ring... then turns around and eats a Superman Punch from Reigns. Reigns clotheslines The Miz over the top rope, then sends Del Rio out just after him. Reigns gets the holy hell booed out of him despite being the only one standing tall. Sheamus isn't technically eliminated yet, but doesn't appear.

Entrant #30 is... Triple H?! Well then, things picked up as he and Reigns lock eyes from the length of the ramp. Trips, looking not quite as fit as he used to but still plenty strong, spits his water and angry-walks to the ring as only he can.

Dolph goes after Trips and eats an instant-Pedigree. Wyatt goes after Reigns and eats a Spear. Reigns and Trips finally lock up to cheers, and Reigns wins the exchange to boos. Trips quickly fights back (to cheers) and teases a Pedigree. Reigns reverses it to tease a Samoan Drop. Now Sheamus makes his entrance and saves Trips by booting Reigns. Jericho goes house of fire but eats a Zig Zag by Ziggler. Ziggler tries to eliminate Trips but fails, though he hits a Famous-Er on Sheamus. Seconds later, Trips eliminates Dolph by flinging him over the south ropes.

Down to six men as Bray and Trips stare at each other. Trips suggests they go after Reigns, but Wyatt doesn't buy it and attacks Trips. Bray slips a Pedigree and teases a Sister Abigail, but Sheamus makes the save with a Brogue Kick. Then Trips and Sheamus both toss Wyatt over the north ropes.

Final five as Jericho, Ambrose, and Sheamus all tease eliminations on each other. Jericho stands tall and hits a Codebreaker to Trips, but Ambrose tosses Jericho over the north ropes as he preens.

Final four starts as Reigns hits Trips with a Superman Punch. Reigns and Trips take a breather as Ambrose and Sheamus beat the shit out of each other for a while. Sheamus tries a Brogue Kick to Ambrose, who slips it. Sheamus tumbles over the top rope, but Reigns Superman Punches Sheamus off the apron. Before you could blink, Triple H sends Reigns over the top rope to massive cheers.

Trips and Ambrose are the final two, and there will be a new champion. Ambrose goes house of fire to Trips, eats a knee to the face, but he uses that momentum for his wacky clothesline. After an exchange, Ambrose flings Trips over the south ropes. Trips hangs on, and even resists a Spear. Ambrose takes a step back and tries again, but Trips back body drops Ambrose over the south ropes.

Your winner, and the NEW WWE Champion, Triple H. ...And the crowd goes mild.

Well, I can't say the teased finish wasn't exciting, especially since WWE actually allowed this one go right to the edge of 11pm (if not a minute or two after). And the excitement of the promise of a new champion was really incredible.

But seriously, I can't help but feel somewhat disappointed in their choice. I see the logic, if I may get a little too insidery: ratings are failing, Reigns wasn't exactly firmly in the fans' minds, there are tons of injuries from the A-List, and we're going to WrestleMania: An unproven commodity may not be a great idea if you want to put asses in the seats to potentially break all sorts of attendance records. From a business perspective, I can completely see Trips getting the title (and guaranteed to main-event WrestleMania) being the absolute safest play.

But “safe” doesn't always mean “good” or “exciting,” does it? I can't be the only one rolling my eyes that for as much as WWE wants to grab new fans and excite the lapsed ones, their safe and smart play was to revert things to the early aughts. Granted, Trips is great at what he does, and as long as he can wrestle, he's going to wrestle well. I just... I don't know man. It could be better, couldn't it?

Maybe after a day, maybe as the Road to WrestleMania rolls on, and maybe after Rick offers his commentary (which is always far more thought-provoking and long-sighted than mine), maybe I'll change my mind and get on board. Just, right now, in the moment... meh. Just meh.

But hey, the thud that was the Rumble finish doesn't detract from the opening match. The rest was all right I guess, nothing better than you would see on a weekly show, for better and worse. If you didn't catch the even, you must find the opener on the YouTubes. Everything else... meh. My commentary should suffice.

Rick will have your RAW recap as usual in a day, and I'm returning to my SmackDown duties at the end of the week. It's glad to be back—even if it feels like the same-old same-old for the wrong reasons—and I will see you in a few days.

Pay-per-view Grade: A (opener), B- (everything else)