So tonight, I did up carnitas, using some fabulous wisdom once imparted upon me by an old friend who I will identify only as "Large," because that's what we've called him since college, and he doesn't want to be googlable.
 
Actually, it started with slow roasting a pork shoulder yesterday, with my trademark all-purpose rub. Doing it right takes a while (ladies!), so that was an 11 hour ordeal. But it resulted in my 8 pound hunk o' meat rendering 5 pounds or so of the most succulent flavor-profile-neutral moist pork yum  yum you can imagine. 

But tonight, I reheated a portion of the yum yum, with specific Carnita Seasonings (mostly, adding some spice), then I fixed up some homemade picked red onion (the secret is to use apple cider vinegar!), fried up the corn tortillas, and was already to feast just as the preshow came on.
 
I can hereby report that I rule at making things that you want to put into your mouth (ladies?). But my brother, for whom I looked out for for 5 months, and who started to actually TAKE MY ADVICE in his hazy interrgnum where he knew he needed help, is back to being mostly himself. To wit, he took my lovingly slow-tended pork, demanded two big fat floppy flour tortillas, and slathered each with a half pound of shredded cheese. "Hey, I live in Texas, I know how to eat a taco."
 
Ahhh, Alan, you are truly back, my brother. Just like you used to be.
 
Which is to say, wrong and too fond of cheese. ZING~!
 
On the upside, an 8 lb pork butt rendering 5 lb of usable meat means I can still try to reach him. I only "Mexicanized" about 1 lb for tonight. For me, I want to "Southernize" another pound, and make some cornbread and mac 'n' cheese for a pulled pork feast. And as a peace offering, I know Alan likes a Cuban sammich, and I once successfully replicated a "Pan con Lecheo" sandwich I had at Porto's in Los Angeles (it's moist tender pork with citrus and garlic), so maybe he'll like that.
 
Also, Porto's is awesome, and I miss it, so to my Other Hollywood Brother: you should feel free to get into a car accident, so I can be your houseboy for a bit! I'm kidding. Stay safe, Stephen. I can use my culinary skills to replicate Porto's.
 
Point is, I dined like a king tonight, and even if Alan smothered his pork with cheese, I'll figure out a way to repurpose the rest of that succulent meat in a way he'll enjoy.... the good thing about a meat you cook until it's 195 degrees (which is how you roast a pork butt) is that it keeps and reheats VERY well!
 
So with all that said, here's what happened at the just-completed Extreme Rules 2015 pay-per-view:

• On the Preshow. Renee Young quarterbacked the Talking Heads portion of the preshow, so it wasn't entirely aesthetically unpleasing. But it also wasn't much of a value-add for anyone other than "fans" who don't watch the weekly shows and actually need to be reminded of what's on tap tonight.
  
  Dean Ambrose crashed the set for a fun loose cannon-y rant, only slightly hurt by the fact that his mic wasn't working. The takeaway is that as soon as the pyro is done, he's gonna be the first man down that aisle, and his street fight against Harper will open the PPV, proper.
  
  Then, the big reason to finally sit down and pay attention was our preshow match... with Daniel Bryan unable to compete tonight, for medical reasons, Wade Barrett came out to deliver that Bad News. But then he followed it up with some Good News, because he brought a "bag of bullhammers," and he wants to distribute them. So he's gonna fight, against whoever wants to step up.
  
  As it turns out, it's Neville, and the two hook up for one hell of a competitive 16 minute match. The basic psychology is Barrett maintaining the advantage, but he just can't find ONE of those Bullhammers, much less the whole bag. For as much as Barrett talked a big game, and seemed confident, Neville's giving everything he can handle, and then some.
  
  Barrett finally does string together a few moves. But Neville kicks out of the Wastelands, so Barrett sets up for the Bullhammer... but Neville evades him, hits a wicked stiff enzuigiri, and follows it up with a quick-as-lightning Red Arrow. One, two, and three makes it an upset.
  
  Very, very good crowd pleasing warm-up match.
  
  Then a few more bits of hype, so you can get back up off the couch, and stop paying attention again for the last 10 minutes of the preshow.
  
  
• Opening Hype Video/Pyro/Etc... and we're live in Chicago, IL, where Cole & The Gang welcome us to Extreme Rules, and where Dean Ambrose is a man of his word.
  
  
• The Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper Street Fight begins, but does not end. Not only is Ambrose the first man to the ring, he doesn't even wait for Harper to make his full entrance before jumpstarting the match. He runs up and meets Harper halfway up the aisle.
  
  Ambrose gains control, and immediately goes under the ring for some props. He tosses a couple chairs into the ring, and then starts swinging a kendo stick. But when Ambrose decides to try suplexing Harper onto one of the chairs, Harper puts his size and strength to use... he counters it, and Ambrose gets suplexed onto the chair. Ouch.
  
  Harper goes to town on Ambrose, using the kendo stick to soften him up for a sweet modified Snake Eyes (into a chair propped up in the turnbuckle). But Ambrose kicks out.
  
  So more methodical beatdown, punctuated by Ambrose hope spots (Tornado DDT, standing Elbow Drop), but notably, when he went for the Rebound Clothesline the first time, Harper caught him.
  
  So the match spilled outside the ring, and when Harper tried to whip Ambrose into the apron, Ambrose hit a modified version of said Rebound Clothesline, and started a huge rally.
  
  Grabbing another kendo stick, Ambrose began flailing away, and Harper began retreating. He retreated all the way to the backstage area, but Ambrose followed...
  
  Finally, Harper got the slightest bit of separation, and jumped into an unlocked car... and he started trying to pull away, but at the last second, Ambrose dove at the car and climbed in through the window as the car sped off.
  
  Cole & The Gang remind us that there are no count-outs, so, ummmm, technically the match is still going on... looks like, if we can ever get a camera crew to catch up with them, Ambrose and Harper are about to take the STREET part of this fight literally.
  
  I think I like it. A lot. The match isn't over, but we're taking a little break after about an 8 minute brawl.
  
  
• Backstage. Triple H orders some lackeys to do exactly as I said, and get a crew out chasing Harper and Ambrose, and to take a ref with them.
  
  Then Seth Rollins shows up, then Kane, and then they bicker, and while the crowd starts chanting "BORE RING," Triple H gets them to grudgingly agree to work together because it's best for business.
  
  
• Dolph Ziggler beats Sheamus, but still kisses Dolph's "Arse." With Lilian still on the sidelines after knee surgery, I will hereby reveal that of the two Not Lilians, Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo Junior is the one I will support. Actually, I don't think I'm revealing that. I think I'm repeating myself, since I revealed it back at the September NXT Takeover, where she kicked off the show (which happened to be on 9/11/15) with the National Anthem, and that made me flash back to the moment when I became a huge Lilian fan: the live 9/13 SmackDown in 2001, when she did the best Anthem ever.
  
  I digress, Joey Jo Jo is doing the SD/B-level ring announcing while Lilian is out, so this was her first appearance of the night, and so I thought I'd mention it. Also, she's pretty cute, and had the good sense to stop being associated with "Total Divas" and start reinventing herself as Vaguely Useful after only one season. What can I say, I'll always takes me a woman who can sing nicely over one who keeps trying to get famous on the E Network. 
   
  But even once I'm done digressing, we're still left with the fact that this match is two men who both are equally obsessed with the idea of another man kissing his ass. That's barely reasonable when one of the men is Vince McMahon, because Vince McMahon is a raging nutcase. But not here.
  
  I digress again. Match gets off to a very fast, very stiff start. Looks like these two have agreed to kick the shit out of each other, in the name of entertainment. Great sequence outside the ring for the first 2 minutes or so, with Ziggler looking like a million bucks, but then it spills back inside, where Sheamus takes control and slows things down.
  
  Slow, but convincingly dominant. Ziggler's at his sympathetic best, and Sheamus is getting massive heat, and Dolph is getting "LETS GO ZIGG LER" chants.
  
  Ziggler gets a huge flurry, finally, but Sheamus plays the Bully Card, by refusing to go down despite multiple clotheslines and even a Stinger Splash. He just no sells the little fella's offense, powers through the rally, and finally regains control with a Celtic Cloverleaf.
  
  Ziggler has to fire up out of the submission hold, and while he finally gets Sheamus to go down with a superkick... but he can't follow up, because he's had a bunch taken out of him. In fact, when he finally tries for a Fameasser, Sheamus sidesteps and turns it into a tiltawhirl backbreaker.
  
  More punishing offense by Sheamus, and more massive heat. Sheamus finally decides it's time for the Brogue Kick, but Ziggler side steps into a quick roll-up, and....
  
  Whoa, and Dolph gets the win off the flash schoolboy! Very good 12 minute match, with both men playing their respective roles to the hilt, and a locked-in crowd adding to the atmosphere.
  
  As soon as it's over, Sheamus starts trying to get out of the stip, asking for the match to restart, and eventually just trying to walk out.
  
  It's at this point that Ziggler starts looking ENTIRELY too enthusiastic about having another man kiss his ass. He starts wedgieing himself and pointing his makeshift-bethonged ass at Sheamus, demanding a smooch.
  
  Sheamus gets down on his knees, and even seems to be on the brink of doing it.... but sure enough, he changes his mind and hits an uppercut to Dolph's ballsac, instead.
  
  After the low blow, Sheamus adds a Brogue Kick, and then says he promised that Ziggler would kiss his arse, and he doesn't want to disappoint. So he hits the self-wedgie, grabs Ziggler's limp carcass by the hair, and introduces face to ass.
  
  For as much as I couldn't care less about the stip, the live crowd sure is giving Sheamus all the cheap heat in the world, so what do I know?
  
  Then again, these are the same "smart" fans who have already chanted for "SEE EM PUNK" multiple times tonight, and will do so again, so honestly, I'm pretty sure I DO know more than them, afterall.
  
  
• The New Day defeat Cesaro/Kidd, and are the NEW Tag Team Champions.. The live crowd is also VERY enthusiastic about chanting "NEW. DAYSUCKS" even without any pre-emptory clapping by the New Day. Also, we're going with the Kofi/Big E tandem, with Eggsavier Woods remaining at ringside as designated cheerleader.
  
  Advantage: Cesaro and Kidd, who have Nattie as their cheerleader. Mmmmmm, Nattie.
  
  Match kicks off with Kidd and Kofi doing some back and forth speed work. But when it ends in a stalemate, Kofi decides to tag out, and Cesaro asks to come in so we can do some Power vs. Power.
  
  In this case, Cesaro immediately dominates with his feats of strength, which pretty much erases all doubts about who are the de facto faces, here. Cesaro overpowering BIg E is just a damned impressive sight, and I don't think that fact is lost on even the densest of fans. Time will tell if this is a true double-turn, or if we're just booking Cesaro/Kidd this way for the benefit of this one PPV match.
  
  Indignant E tags Kofi back in, and engineers a Pier 5 Brawl (and in this scenario, Nattie's not nearly as useful as Eggsavier)... the heels get the better of it, and we immediately hit the fast foward button for a Time Compressed Face in Peril bit, with Kidd on the receiving end.
  
  That lasts about 90 seconds, then the hot tag to Cesaro. Kofi in on the corresponding move, and the two do a goodly amount of back and forth awesomeness, before Cesaro gains control and tags Kidd in... then Cesaro hits his over-the-rope deadlift superplex, while Kidd comes off with a springboard elbow drop.
  
  Holy shit, that would be a great new finish for them. It makes Hercules and Paul Roma's old PowerPlex (a serious old school favorite tag move from my youth)) look like a damned dirty outhouse, by comparison.
  
  But Big E dove in to break it up, which sparked another Pier Fiver, where teh New Day actually seemed to have the match won, after some cheating allowed them to hit their finisher.
  
  But Cesaro was able to make the save. More Pier Fivey action.
  
  Kidd gets a Sharpshooter on Kofi. Big E breaks it up. More Pier Fivey action.
  
  Cesaro hits a wicked uppercut on E to powder him out. Swingus Interruptus hits. But now, it's Eggsavier who interjects himself to break up the pin attempt (distracting the ref).
  
  Nattie finally gets involved, making it a full on Pier Sixer, as she attacks Woods... but int he chaos, everybody but Kofi and Kidd powder out, and Kofi hits a cheap roll-up, with a handful of tights, and... NEW CHAMPS.
  
  Didn't see that coming. Honestly didn't consider it a possibility at all. But then again, I wasn't really thinking in terms of a full double-turn. But now, that's exactly what we got. And if you're gonna do a double turn, this is the way to do it, with new champs, who can immediately start Freebirding those belts for even mroe heat.
  
  Very good 15 minute match, as a bonus, too.
  
  
• Backstage. Renee Young is standing by with the new tag champs, who are very pleased with themselves. They want for the fans to respond "NEW CHAMPS" when they yell "NEW DAY." But you guessed it... instead, it turns into "NEW DAY" followed by "YOU SUCK."
  
  But before the New Day can get too upset, the car/SUV from earlier pulls into the backstage area, and Luke Harper dives out of the backseat. So apparently, whatever happened while they were gone benefitted Ambrose.
  
  Sure enough, Ambrose gets out of the driver side, gets on top, and dives off the car onto Harper.
  
  
• Dean Ambrose wins the conlcusion of the Street Fight against Luke Harper. So the brawl spills back towards the ring, and when both men get there, they take up opposite sides, and start throwing chairs into the ring. This gets a huge "EEE SEE DUB" chant.
  
  Both men into the ring, where they trade blows. Harper wins, and hits a huge powerbomb onto the chairs. Ambrose kicks out, but just barely.
  
  Harper uses all the chairs, and covers Ambrose with a pile of them... Harper goes up top, with plans on superflying onto the whole pile.
  
  But Ambrose gets out from under the chairs at the last second, crotches Harper on the top, and then slams Harper off the top rope onto the pile of chairs.
  
  Dirty Deeds hits, and that's that. Ambrose wins after a 3 minute continuation of their earlier 8 minute brawl.
  
  I gotta admit: I kinda got my sights set higher, with some sort of remote STREET fight, before bringing it back to the arena for the final fall. And without that second act in the middle, I sorta feel like something was missing... it was fun, and with the happy ending (Ambrose actually wins a PPV match!), you won't find too many fans feeling let down. But I let my mind run wild, and as a result, I can't help but feel like they left some money on the table by not exploring the other options.
  
  
• John Cena retains the US Title by beating Rusev in a Chain Match. Full boxing style ring intros, and then an additional whoop-de-doo as both men postured before allowing themselves to be bound at the wrist by the "Russian" Chain. Rusev immediately wins a bit of fisticuffsmanship, and taps his first turnbuckle (lighting up the red light), but Cena drags him back to the center of the ring, so the ref "waves off" that green light. This serves to illustrate the point that it must be all four corners in succession.
  
  Then Cena wins an exchange, and actually quickly gets 3 turnbuckles (his light up green) before Rusev yanks him back and the ref waves it off. Although it was way early to be going for the win, those two exhcnages serve to make sure any fans who haven't seen this match the other dozen times it's been on PPV in the past decade (albeit with straps or bullropes) know how it works.
  
  That job done, Rusev settles in for a more standard bit of beatdown. He eventually takes the match outside, where he intends to ram Cena into the ringpost... but Cena is strong, and wins the tug of war, so Rusev crashes into the post. Then, a second time. So Cena thinks he might have a legit chance to win, and takes the match back inside. But he only gets two turnbuckles before Rusev breaks the momentum.
  
  And then Rusev just flat-out regains control. No fans really seem to be cheering FOR Rusev, but there is still the 50/50 "Let's Go Cena"/"Cena Sucks" chant breakdown.
  
  Rusev finally gets on a rally, and is able to hit three corners in a row.... Cena has no choice but to roll outside, preventing Rusev from having enough slack to reach the fourth. So Cena breaks the momentum, and the ref waves off the attempt, but Rusev still maintains control for a bit.
  
  Until he's dumb enough to go up to the top rope. With a chain attached to his wrist. Cena just yanks the chain, and Rusev comes flying off the top, landing hard. Oh, Rusev. You're Russian, not Retarded.
  
  Off that spot, Cena easily gets three corners.... but Rusev cuts him off and settles back in on offense.
  
  Bored by the whole thing, the crowd starts chanting "WE WANT LANA." So she gets up on the apron, and waves to them.... Rusev immediately turns and tells Lana to leave his ring. So I doubt it was an audible, but they had it in their back pocket if the fans decded to go that way. And they did. So now, Rusev is running solo, and getting his biggest heat of the match.
  
  Because the fans may not agree on the issue of Cena. But it's unanimous when it comes to Lana. We like her. Lots.
  
  The "distraction" leads to Cena getting his first extended offense of the match, ending with an SSTF, which he keeps cinched in even after Rusev gets to the ropes. No DQ, no rope break. He waits until Rusev is almost out, and then goes for the four corners. He gets three, but then Rusev is the one who rolls outside to reduce the slack Cena needs.
  
  Cena goes to Rusev to re-engage the fight, and Rusev catches him by surprise with a chain assisted punch. Then, the Camel Clutch. All he's got to do is put Cena to sleep, and then hit the turnbuckles. But Cena immediately powers up to his feet, with Rusev still on his back. Cena drives Rusev back into a turnbuckle. Rusev does NOT let go, but the ref DOES give him credit for one corner.
  
  Cena slams Rusev back into a second turnbuckle. He breaks the hole, but gets credit for a second corner. Rusev sees this, and instantly dives for the third corner. Cena realizes what's going on and hits a flash F-U to break the momentum. Another quick grapple, and Rusev hits his savate kick.
  
  Both men are groggy, but equally so. Rusev goes for a corner, gets the red light. Cena follows. Green light. Rusev to the second corner. Red lights. Cena follows. Red light. Both men light the third corner, and then Rusev and Cena have a final tug of war to see who'll get to the fourth corner, first. Cena wins, hits another F-U, and then hits the fourth corner.
  
  Just like that, Cena's your winner after a 12 minute match that pretty much reprised every rope/strap/chain match from the past without adding anything new or interesting to the mix. Not bad, just meh. But if you want to tell a story where Rusev isn't quite at his best when Lana is missing, you can certainly keep going that route after this match....
  
  
• Nikki Bella beats Naomi to retain the Women's Title. You know that thing I said a couple weeks ago about Naomi not being a heel, but just being herself, and letting the shades of gray fall where they may? Well, that's not happening. Naomi is a heel, complete with new entrance music and awful neon accents to her new gear. Which is fine. Except for the part where this presumably requires us to cheer for the Nikki. Which I'm pretty sure is impossible without a HUGE personality makeover.
  
  That's not so much a criticism of Nikki Bella, the person. It's more just an observation that, for any thinking person, there's no such thing as a "babyface" on a "reality" show. There are only different varieties of terrible. And as long as the Bellas identity is "the stars of that one reality show," that's gonna be a problem for them.
  
  But I guess we're trying it out, anyway, with Naomi immediately settingling in for the heel beatdown, while Brie makes a sincere effort at cheerleading for Nikki. The crowd is pretty much unanimous in terms of no selling it, but she's trying. If anything, the crowd perks up most (and positively) for Naomi's handful of attempted heelish flourishes. Even when Naomi just dickishly blindsides Brie for no reason, the crowd is OK with it.
  
  Naomi goes for a split-legged moonsault, which is what jumpstarts Nikki's comeback. She even manages to set up the Rack Attack, but Naomi counters out into a full nelson slam. Nikki kicks out and gets a near fall of her own off a springboard flash kick. Nikki tries to follow up, but Naomi gets to the ropes... the ref has to get invovled to break it up.
  
  But while he's pulling Nikki back, Brie strikes with a flash kick of her own. Nikki follows up with the Rack Attack. Champ retains.
  
  Can't really find a whole lot to like, here. It wasn't a terrible performance from either woman, mind you. They busted ass. But also not quite good enough to mask the fact that this was WWE dictating a Bella Face Turn to an audience that wasn't buying it, and doing it in a weird way (the babyfaces cheated to win). It wasn't organic, it was forced, and it wasn't even forced in a way that would encourage us to get on board. It was forced in a counterproductive fashion. That's, like, the worst of both worlds.
  
  Did we learn nothing from the tag title match? If you want to make a heel turn work, you don't job the new heel in his or her first title match.
  
  
• Roman Reigns beats Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match. As with the chain match, they feel the need to illustrate the gimmick of the match by having Big Show hit a shoulderblock, and then the ref actually counts to 5 or 6, despite the fact that there is a zero percent chance of this being the end of the match.
  
  Ten out of 10 for clarifying things for the idiots in the audience. But minus several million for taking your ACTUAL FANS out of the moment with such jarring stupidity. IF you're absolutely gonna do this, at least have Show "force" the ref to start his count, because he's a heel, and he's just grandstanding. Don't force your annoucners to pretend like this is a compelling part of the match.
   
  Look, my point here isn't that you should throw new fans under the bus, and cater excluseively to ME. My point is that these stories aren't exactly "Memento," they're easy to follow, and you should stop insulting the casual fans. They get it. Also: you employ Michael Cole for a reason. He can explain it to the TV fans (and you already fear your "smart" live fans enough that there's no reason to tell the story for THEIR benefit).
  
  I digress. Is that the second or third time tonight? Eh, who cares. I'll probably digress again at least thrice before it's all over. I had cocktails to go with those carnitas, so I'm extra verbose~!
   
  Anyway, Show continues his early dominance. Even when Reigns is able to go under the ring to find various props, he's only able to put them to use briefly before Show regains command. Show just destroys Reigns' toys, yells, "I don't need weapons, I'm a Giant," and then uses himself as the weapon.
  
  Finally, it's five minutes into the match, and on the 12th Ref Count, we get the first one where Reigns BELIEVABLY stays down for 6, and it feels like he's in some kind of jeopardy. So of course, it's at this point that Reigns randomly grabs a chair and sneaks a shot in on Show, and off that chairshot, Show stays down for 5.
  
  Reigns uses the break to go fetch a couple of tables from under the ring. He's in the process of setting them up in the ring when Show just walks up and hits him with the WMD. Reigns up at 8. Well, that certainly came out of nowhere with no real narrative flow, but at least it's a justifiable excuse for our first 8 count of the match.
  
  Show successfully sets up one of the table, and goes for a chokeslam.... but Reigns worms out and counters with a Samoan Drop through the table. Reigns is only able to get up at 6.... Show rolls out of the ring, and lands on his feet, at 8.
  
  Reigns takes the moment to set up another table (propped up against the turnbuckle), but when he turns around, he walks into a spear. Show lets the ref count to 8, drops Reigns with a headbutt, and lands a Vaderbomb.
  
  Reigns up at 6, so Big Show decides to go to the top rope. It looks like Rusev's developmental disorder is contagious.
  
  Reigns catches him and crotches him. With Show seated, in agony, on the top turnbuckle, Reigns sets up a double table structure out on the floor, then gets up top with Show, and sets him up for a superplex off the top, to the floor (and through those tables). Show powers out, and both men tumble to the mat, where the ref applies a double count.
  
  Both men up at 8, but Reigns has more momentum, locking and loading the Superman Punch. Show does not go down. Second Superman Punch. Show does not go down. Reigns goes for a third Superman Punch, but Show catches him by the throat and chokeslams him out, over the top rope, and through the double tables on the floor. Holy shit.
  
  True to his word, Reigns takes the bump, but gets back up. Show's starting to get frustrated. So he grabs his old buddies from Decembers TLC&S show, the steel stairs. He moves them next to the announce desk, and tells Cole & The Gang to get lost. He's commandeering their table.
  
  But first, he has to get Reigns. Show indicates his intent to spear Reigns through the turnbuckle-propped table, but Reigns moves. Show eats the table. After a couple overwrought doublecounts, the two finally ended up back outside the ring. Reigns speared Show through the barricade.
  
  The ref started a count, and Show only managed to get up at 8. But Reigns spotted the steps next to the announce table. Reigns goes up the steps, and drags Show up with him, intending to.... I'm not sure. Maybe Samoan Drop through the table?
  
  But Show counters, and is gonna chokeslam Reigns through the table. Reigns counters the counter, and stuns Big Show with a few fists.
  
  Then, Reigns drops down, gets a running start, uses the steps to get up onto the main announce desk, and spears Show through the Spanish Announce Table. OK, that works for me.
  
  But wait, there's more! Show gets up at 9! But Reigns drops him with another Superman Punch, and then up-ends the American announce table onto Show's carcaass. To erase all doubt, Reigns stands on the desk as the ref counts to 10, with Show trapped beneath it.
  
  I pretty much hated the slow start and WWE's insecure need to "explain" a match to non-fans, instead of trusting any halfway intelligent person to grasp the concept and not insulting the actual fans.... but once it got going, this was what I expected, and Reigns and Show made the most out of 20 minutes of Last Man Standing. More than ever, it really is their "signature" match.... it's the gimmick that embodies the perfect blend of drama and action that is "Sports Entertainment."
  
  
• The Enemy of my Brother is probably still my Enemy, even if my Brother isn't even my Brother in storylines. To kill some time, Bo Dallas hits the ring, and gets momentary cheers by saying he doesn't understand why Chicago is the Second City, because they are so totally NUMBER ONE~!
  
  Number one at not taking showers and yadda yadda yadda, he gets booed. He finally asks them to shut their mouths, and join him in just BOlieving....
  
  And that's when Ryback decides to hit the scene.
  
  Bo gets in a few quick cheapshots, but then inevitablity sets in. Meathook. Shellshock. Play Ryback's music again, because he wins.
  
  So, if we take it as read that Bray Wyatt is coming after Ryback, do it add anything to the story if we acknowledge that Bray and Bo are actually brothers in real life? Or is that just a little down-low easter egg? Or is Ryback even Bray's real target? I had some emails after my recap on Monday telling me that I was forgetting about Mark Henry, when it comes to guys who have weightlifting as a big part of their identity. And Henry can MUCH more easily be sacrificed to Bray, without it hurting his overall status as much as it hurts Ryback.
  
  
• This Week on WWE Network. WWE's squeezing a lot of stuff into the final week of their free month preview. King of the Ring is returning, starting on Tuesday night, with a live Network-only broadcast from the SD TV tapings. I LOVE this, and actually suggested something along thse lines on the Forums last month. Also, Wednesday will feature the debut of Mick Foley's "Cheap Pops" special (which was taped last weekend in Orlando). Good stuff. Then, also there was a bunch of other stuff. Unless you are so lacking in standards that you consider Jerry Springer to be valid entertainment, I assure you, I hit all the pertinent details.
  
  KotR, oh hells yeah. Foley, only slightly fewer hells yeah, but that's only because his last awesome book where he told awesome stories was more recently than the last time when KotR mattered. I miss KotR, and welcome it back with OOpen arms.
  
  
• Seth Rollins is still the WWE Champion, after beating Randy Orton in a Cage Match in which the RKO was Forbidden and Kane as the "Gatekeeper." Full entrances and intros for everyone (including Kane), so we're maybe a bit late getting this one started (9:36, central). As soon as the bell rings, Rollins goes right for a climb escape, but Orton snuffs it out, so it seems like another match where the early stages are gonna be dominated by totally phoney, jarringly early attempted finishes. D'oh. I know wrestling is fake, and must fit into its timeslot, but there's no reason to punch me in the face with this fact. Thrice. On the same show.
  
  To their credit, these two do better with it than in the two previous instances, as Rollins keeps using his chickenshittery to land a quick-hitter on Orton and then try a flash escape. Ahhhh, so here, it's not like he really CAN win, it's just that he's such a coward that he's gotta try. THAT, I can buy.
  
  So for the opening few minutes, Orton is able to stop Rollins from making his escapes (be they by climbing, or out the door, with Kane graciously assisting; so far, no friction there), but Orton's not able to get any real offense of his own. Rollins mostly in control, with Orton's Escape Stops serving as his Hope Spots. But he can't follow up on them.
  
  About 7 minutes in, Rollins' advantage is so strong that he stops going for escapes, and attempts his first cover. Orton kicks out at 2, but the message is sent that Rollins now has an additional possible way to win the match.
  
  And as soon as I type that, Rollins gets cocky about his newfound alternate route to victory: he turns and taunts Kane, "Hey lookie, I might not even need you to win this match. I can just pin Randy." Kane is not amused. But he's also not going to misbehave. Yet.
  
  Off that little interlude, Orton gets his first real rally, and Rollins reverts to Escape Mode. Orton catches him, and both men jockey for a bit on the top rope. Rollins wins it, and comes off the rope with a knee to Orton's head. Rollins with another climb, and he gets onto the top of the cage.
  
  Orton barely catches him by the ankle, and then joins him on top. Both men are seated on the top of the cage, trading blows. Then, trading headbutts. Orton wins it, and chooses to take it back into the ring. Nearfall for Orton off the pendulum powerslam.
  
  Rollins counters the Hangman DDT into a pinning combo. Low Superkick for another near fall. Rollins starting to get a bit frustrated, and finally decides on another Climb Attempt. Once again, he gets all the way to the top, but Orton just barely catches him and yanks him back in.  FOr the first time, J&J try to get involved, by climbing and attempting to yank Rollins down to the floor.
  
  Orton wins the tug of war, and manages to turn it into a superplex for a near fall.
  
  At this point, J&J go over to Kane and tell him, "It's time, open the door, we're going in." But Kane is having none of it. He's playing by the rules.
  
  So J&J go to opposite sides of the cage, and try to climb their way in. Orton manages to shove them both off, but the distraction allows Rollins to try another Climb Escape. Orton catches him, and crotches him over the top rope.
  
  For the first time, Orton ponders a Door Escape. But he sees Kane, and doesn't make an official request. He's pretty sure he can't trust Kane.
  
  So he just goes back to Rollins (still delicately perched on the top rope) and hits a Super Hangman DDT. Orton coils.... but HEY, the RKO is illegal!
  
  So when Orton cinches Rollins, he gets a double underhook and hits the Pedigree!!! Not too shabby, Randall!
  
  But Rollins kicks out at 2 and 9/10ths.
  
  Rollins down on all fours. Orton gestures (Broadly). The crowd chants "YES! YES! YES!" and so Randall lines up the Bootie Kick o' Doom... but when he finally runs in for the Punt, Rollins trips him  up. Orton lands hard, and Rollins asks Kane to open the door.
  
  Kane does. Rollins crawls. But Orton catches him and hits a neckbreaker.
  
  Orton's turn to crawl towards the door.... but at the last second Kane closes it on him.
  
  Orton argues. Rollins attacks Orton from behind. Orton dodges. Rollins crashes into the door, and the door crashes into Kane.
  
  Kane goes down, and comes up pissed.
  
  With Orton and Rollins both fighting in the corner, Kane slams the door. HARD. On BOTH of their skulls. Orton and Rollins fly back into the middle of the ring, but Kane's exact intentions are not known.
  
  Kane removes his jacket and tie, and decides to get into the ring to reveal said intetions. The New Stooges aren't feeling very good about this, and try to stop him.
  
  That does not end well for them.
  
  Kane gets into the Cage. Chokeslam for Orton. Rollins smiles, and crawls towards the door. Chokelsam for Rollins.
  
  Kane gets cheered. But then, just as quickly, he gets booes, as he gets conflicted, and decides to drag Rollins on top of Orton.
  
  One.... two..... KICKOUT.
  
  Orton wins the initial exchange with Rollins, but allows himself to get distracted by Kane. Orton is upset by Kane's actions and hits an RKO on Kane.
  
  RKO is illegal! But Orton didn't use it on Rollins.
  
  Then, just as fast, here's Rollins, hitting an RKO on Orton!!!!
  
  RKO is illegal. But Orton didn't use it AT ALL, that time. I'm pretty sure that's completely kosher.
  
  Rollins just rub salt into the wound by going for the cover, after using Orton's own (illegal) move against him. Instead, he just dives out the open door, and gets to the floor. Champ retains, using just about all 20 minutes left to him, and with a VERY excellent layered and creative finish (and the jarringly weak start actually got worked into the story, too). Match of the night, definitely youtube worthy, I think.
  
  Since they did use up just about all the time left, we just get a quick celebration from Rollins, and that's our final visual before we fade to black.
  

And so ends the show.
 
I know it's usually My Thing to do a pretty sizeable post-recap post-mortem, but we got some storms moving into the area, and my brother's house is susceptible to power outages from nothing more than rain and wind.
 
Rather than press my luck by shooting off 8 paragraphs of instanalysis, only to be unable to post it until Monday afternoon, I'll just cut this one short, and make sure to get it uploaded.
 
I think I did an OK job making my points in the recap, proper. Some slow moments and annoying/insulting starts to matches, but on the whole, a surprisingly entertaining night. Biggest flub was probably the attempted double turn in the women's match. Biggest surprising hit was the double turn in the tag match.
 
Those two offset, and you're left with above average in-ring action. I have a pretty good idea for the next PPV or two, too, but will hold back until I see how this out-of-the-blue King of the Ring factors in.... I want to just fast track everything (Reigns now in line for Rollins), but now you could do a thing where Orton bilks one last title shot, and Reigns has to go through KotR to earn his title shot.... so we'll ahve to see about all that.
 
On the whole, I feel pretty good about tonight. Let's call it a B-plus grade.
 
I'll see you again in 24 with the RAW recap, and if you are struck by the sudden urge to thank me for the many years of meritorious service, I think you know how.
 
Later on, kids....