But hey, I'll take it. Even as recently as 3-4 weeks ago, the assumption was he'd still be in the hospital right now... I'll take a just-turned-a-corner-and-at-home Alan versus getting-to-watch-wrestling-on-his-big-ass-TV-because-he's-still-over-at-Baylor 6 days a week and twice on Sundays.
 
I mean, it's not like anybody's stopping me from having some good eats and adult beverages, even if I am in a spare bedroom, right? I think I can muster up a good enough mood to enjoy WrestleMania as it is meant to be!
 
Let's see what WWE serves up. Here's what happened at the just-completed WrestleMania 31 pay-per-view:

• On the Preshow. The expanded two-hour-long preshow was broken down into two distinct parts: the first hour, which is free across a bunch of different platforms, and the second hour, which is exclusively on The Network (and requires you to sign up for NINENINETYNINE!!!).
  
  Needless to say, there's almost nothing of value in hour one... I just put it on in the background, while I was in the kitchen, preparing some foodstuffs. The only time I had to perk up and pay attention was a little backstage skit in which Noble and Mercury were schmucking it up, and they bumped into Patterson and Brisco. The Originals just shook their heads in pity at the antics of the imposters, with Patterson hitting the punchline, "What a couple of Stooges."
  
  As soon as we turn the top of hour, however, they shoot it down to the ring, and it's time for tag team title action.
  
  
• Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (w/ Nattie) retain the Tag Team Titles in a Fourway Match over the Usos (w/ Naomi), Los Matadores (w/ Torito), and the New Day (Kofi/Big E, with Eggsavier Woods at ringside). I mentioned it in my little preview, but you are IMMEDIATELY struck by the fact that this is the first full-on daytime WrestleMania since WM9 (and only the second one ever). Yeah, they did the one in Arizona that was more like a dusk WM, but here, the sun is 3 o'clock high, and is gonna stay that way for the vast majority of the show. The shadows are really noticeable and different.
  
  Usos are definitely fan favorites, and are sporting Niners red and gold to further goose their hometown crowd. But the Usos immediately become underdogs when Cesaro yanks Jey Uso off the apron, and rams him, shoulder-first, into the barricade.
  
  Remember, Jey had a pre-existing shoulder injury that made him questionable for the match... and now, the trainers decide that he's too injured to continue, and they escort him out. The shoulder injury was very real. Only time will tell if this re-injury is, too, or if it's just storytelling. Jimmy, for the time being, decides he'll go it alone.
  
  The champs also dominate inside the ring, getting the better of the Matadores and New Day for a few minutes. Eggsavier Woods tries to do the New Day Clap to fire up the crowd, but they respond by chanting along to the rhythm with "NEW. DAY SUCKS." Cute.
  
  Finally, Jimmy is able to tag himself into the ring, and gets a red hot rally, which ends with a quadruple butt splash in all four corners.
  
  Kofi tags in, and keeps the pace up for a rally of his own, and then things just break down into a Pier 7 Brawl. Highlights include Cesaro hitting his deadlift apron suplex on Big E. Holy shit. And then, one Matadore top rope powerbombs Tyson Kidd, and the other Matadore catches him with an Atomic Backstabber.
  
  Then, it grows into a Pier 10 Brawl, as Nattie, Naomi, and Torito all get involved. Torito ranas Kidd into the barricade. Then Nattie Sharpshooters Torito. Then Naomi Buttbutts Nattie and joins in with Jimmy for Stereo Planchas.
  
  Then, they start going for near falls, but who the hell remembers who is legal? I THINK it's Big E and Jimmy. The ref apparently knows, and disallows several falls, leading up to a huge spot in which the Matadores are setting up for stereo superplexes on Kidd and Kofi...
  
  But then, Big E comes up underneath the Matadores for the craziest Tower of Doom spot you've ever seen. Big E is the base, and the Matadores are the second layer, and Kofi and Kidd take the big bump.
  
  Jimmy sees the carnage, and hops up on top to hit the Superfly Splash on Big E. But when he goes for the cover, Cesaro breaks it up, tosses Jimmy out of the ring, and makes the cover.... and the ref counts it? Yep. Champs retain.
  
  A replay reveals that in the chaos, Cesaro did blind tag himself into the ring as Jimmy went up for the Superfly Splash, so he WAS the legal man. Good eye. Good match. Around 10-12 minutes, and even if relegated to the preshow, they did NOT half-ass it at all. The angle with Jey is a bit disappointing, and means the straight-up Usos vs. Cesaro/Kidd match may not be coming any time soon...
  
  Then, they briefly shoot it to the Jon GrUDen vignette where he "previews" the Andre Battle Royale... he's not exactly, uhhhh, knowledgeable, but I'll let it pass since he is a fellow University of Dayton alum.
  
  
• Big Show wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale, last eliminating Damien Sandow. When we come out of that, the ring is already filled up, and the Andre Battle Royale begins. So no surprise entrants or anything (*cough*Sheamus*cough*)... they just ring the bell, and we're off.
  
  The entire ring instantly turns on Curtis Axel, after he tries to work his AxelMania gimmick by doing a full on Hogan Posedown. Axel is eliminated via Universal Crowdsurf.
  
  From there, we're pretty much in wait-out-the-clock mode until we get down to a final four we can latch onto. Of note: Miz and Sandow are willing to work together early on, and eliminate Alex Riley together. Also: Hideo Itami, from NXT, gets a little flurry, but gets a high profile elimination at the hands of Big Show.
  
  From there until the end of the match, Big Show is teh story, eliminating pretty much everyone, until the Final Five is Show, Cesaro, Ryback, Miz, and Sandow.
  
  Show and Cesaro do a repeat of last  year's finish, but at the last second, Show reverses things, and dumps Cesaro. Ryback tries to take it to Show, but Show dumps him, too.
  
  That leaves Miz and Sandow vs. Show. Miz orders Sandow to charge, and Sandow disobeys, getting HUGE cheers and "SAN DOW" chants. Miz berates him, then turns his back on Sandow.
  
  Sandow eliminates him to a giant pop.
  
  But there's still an actual Giant in the ring with Sandow. Show opts not to strike from behind, and let's Sandow have the moment. But as "LET'S GO SAN DOW" chants erupt, Show just starts grinning a shit-eating grin, and dares Sandow to do anything about it.
  
  Sandow tries. Show chucks him out, but Sandow skins the cat. Show regains control, but Sandow lowbrdiges him. Show teeters, but does not go over... he flops onto the apron, and regains his feet.
  
  Then, Show gets back into the ring, and goes for a chokeslam... Sandow counters into a front facelock, and wears Show down. But after a fantastic effort, Sandow gets tossed to the floor, and Big Show wins his first major Battle Royale-style match in WWE.
  
  I was really wanting Sandow to get his big moment, but as it played out, I have to admit that this is a fitting reward for Big Show, who started his career basically pretending to be Andre's son, and then the rest of his career trying to live up to the legend of a Giant. He deserves this.
  
  Then, they close with 15 minutes of fluff and filler, which allows me to put the finish touches on my cheesesteak dinner and my first Evan Williams and Coke, before the PPV, proper, starts.
  
  The final tease for the show is Pat Patterson (the first ever IC Champion) coming to the ring to hang the IC belt above the ring. The 7-way Ladder Match will be opening the show. Well alright alright alright....
  
  
• Opening Ceremonies. Not Lilian Garcia sings "America the Beautiful," and then we hit a cavalcade of opening Video/Pyro/Etc., including LL Cool J narrating the open.
  
  
• Daniel Bryan wins the 7-way Ladder Match, and is the NEW InterContinental Champion. Once all seven men (Bryan, Ziggler, Ambrose, Truth, Stardust, Harper, and defending champ Barrett) are in the ring, the bell rings, and all seven men are out of the ring about 30 seconds later, for a sequence of high flying spots that starts with Stardust taking everybody out with a Falling Star. Then Harper with a big ass running plancha. Then Ambrose with his Standing Elbow Drop off a ladder.
  
  Truth manages to escape the carnage, and becomes the first guy to try a Ladder Ascent. Truth is slow to climb (scared of heights), so Barrett is able to get in the ring to pull him down.
  
  Bryan steps in for a rally of his own, but before he can even think about climbing a ladder, Harper jumps in and rams a ladder into Bryan's skull. Harper tries an ascent of his own, but Bryan pulls him back into a modified tree of woe, and lays in with some YES! Kicks.
  
  But before Bryan can climb, Ziggler interrupts, and chucks Bryan out of the ring. Ziggler climbs. Ambrose joins him. The two are duking it out on the top, when Stardust springboards across the ring, knocking them both down. The ladder is absolutely destroyed, and Ziggler also starts selling a knee injury.
  
  With the original ladder destroyed, Stardust busts out his own, bedazzled ladder... but Barrett poops the party by destroying ExoAtmospheric StarRocket 5000 (or at least a few of its rungs). After a minute or two of chaotic back and forth, Harper gets a spotlight moment, dominating Ambrose and then clearing the ring with a crazy coot Terry Funk Ladder Spin.
  
  Truth is the guy who finally manages to put a stop to that. But once again, Truth is slow to climb, so Barrett is able to cut him off. Barrett and Stardust both climb at the same time, which ends with Barrett hitting a giant superplex off the top of the ladder. That's "Holy Shit" chant #1 of the night.
  
  Bryan, Ziggler, and Ambrose all decide to climb at the same time. Bryan and Ziggler dump Ambrose off the ladder, so Ambrose just dumps the ladder, causing both other guys to crash and burn.
  
  Ambrose tries to climb. Harper tries to stop him. Rebound Clothesline, and Ambrose is back on top of the ladder. Harper gets underneath Ambrose, hoists him up, and powerbombs him out of the ring, through a Ladder Bridge that had been previous built. "Holy Shit" chant #2. I think I might have chanted "Get Well Soon" or "OUCH That Hurt," because damn....
  
  Harper climbs. Ziggler joins him, and locks in a sleeper until both guys fall off. As a "This is Awesome" chant breaks out, Ziggler climbs and ALMOST gets to the belt. But Barrett reaches up, grabs his wrist, and pull shim down into a Bullhammer Elbow. Barrett starts to climb. Stardust tries a springboard, but eats a Bullhammer. Truth tries something, also eats a Bullhammer.
  
  Bryan's the last line of defense, and manages to pull Barrett down. Wade crashes and burns. Bryan is on top of the ladder. Ziggler runs up the ladder, and the two start trading right hands. Then, they start trading headbutts. Bryan finally wins the exchange on about the 37th headbutt (the crowd YESsing along with each and every oen of them), and Ziggler falls to the mat.
  
  Bryan reaches up, grabs the belt, and is the new InterContinental Champion after a very good 20 minute opening match. Very much spot-spot-spot, but some of those spots were damned impressive, and Bryan's win was a hell of a feel good moment, so the bar is already set reasonably high for Match of the Night.
  
  
• Randy Orton defeats Seth Rollins. Rollins is accompanied by the New Stooges, of course. Orton's rolling solo. The announcers sell this as HHH's first-even hand-picked golden boy (Orton) versus his current one (Rollins).
  
  Advantage: first one, as Orton wins the opening minutes of the match, even managing to hit a Double Hanging DDT on J&J. The Stooges are written out, but the effort created a distraction that allowed Rollins to strike from behind. After the pearl harbor job, Rollins gets the first near fall of the match, and settles in for the mid-match heel beatdown.
  
  A featured hold during said beatdown: the chinlock. Truly he IS the heir to Orton! JBL even makes note of how Rollins seems to be trying to slow things down.
  
  An Orton Hope Spot is nicely constructed, and involved a clever psyche-out when Orton whiffed on his pedulum powerslam, then Rollins whiffed on a Curb Stomp, and Orton hit the powerslam on the flip flop. Orton's flurry ended when Rollins reversed the Hanging DDT and hit an enzuigiri.
  
  Rollins actually got a nice smattering of cheer when he hit a beautiful Asai Moonsault. There was a bit of attempt at dueling chants, but more than anything, the fans didn't seem to have a favorite, and were just cheering for a good match to happen.
  
  Orton finally kicked off his for-real comeback, starting with a flying crossbody off the top rope, and then a flash Hanging DDT for his own first near fall. When Orton coiled for the RKO, Rollins scored with a quick kick, but when Rollins tried to follow up, he walked into an RKO Outta Nowhere.
  
  But Rollins kicked out. Orton has to go to Plan B... he steps back, and lines up the Bootie Kick o' Doom.
  
  J&J finally return to consciousness, and bum rush Orton. But in reality, they each run into an RKO (Noble actually leaps off the top rope into his). The distraction allows Rollins to hit the Curb Stomb.
  
  But it's Orton's turn to kick out of a finisher, causing Rollins to resort to his own Plan B. He goes up top and attempts a Phoenix Splash, but spots Orton rolling out of the way, and lands on his feet.
  
  Rollins buries a boot to Orton's gut, and goes for another Curb Stomp, but Orton has it scouted, and uses a power counter, doing a sort of sunset flip move when Rollins foot is on his back, causing Rollins to fly up into the air.
  
  Orton catches him with an RKO on the downward fall. Even with Orton's history of implausible RKOs, that's a new and crazily jaw-dropping one. And it gets him the win. Very solid 16 minute affair, perhaps hurt ever so slightly that there was no real heel and thus, no real heat/sizzle. That's one of the factors that makes indie wrestling different from WWE for me; if you're just scouting/appreciating "workrate" and don't care who wins, it's just not the same thing.
  
  Still, in the absence of an atmosphere of immediacy, the two certainly gave it their best effort and had a solid match.
  
  
• Triple H beats Sting in a de facto Anything Goes Match, in which a hell of a lot went. Coming out of a video package, there's a bunch of Asian percussionists on the stage (all in Sting facepaint), pounding out a beat. Then, Sting's music kicks in, and they join in on that as Sting enters. It's not quite the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but it's not too shabby, either. Very cool.
  
  Triple H counters with a Terminator-themed entrance. A video of San Francisco's present day skyline, morphing into a post-apocalyptic version. Terminator skeletons on the stage. A HUD graphic in which Sting is a hostile target. And finally, HHH coming up from under the stage on a platform, wearing a Terminator exo-suit. Arnold himself appears on the Tron, declaring that WrestleMania is Judgment Day, and it's time to play the Game.
  
  I liked Sting's better, but given how ridiculously awful HHH's past WM entrances have been, this was a MAJOR step in the right direction. Still too over-the-top to be truly intimidating, but not nearly as counter-productively giggle-inducing.
  
  After 10 minutes, the theatrics are over, and it's time to fight. Lilian's ring intros include the hidden caveat that this is match that can only end by pin or submission, basically a de facto Anything Goes Match. I'm assuming, if nothing else, that this is because both the Sledge and the Bat will be in play, eventually.
  
  Sting wins the initial lock-up. HHH wins the second, but gets cocky, firing off a Crotch Shop at Sting, motivates Sting into a rally of his own. HHH has to retreat to a corner. The crowd rewarded him with a "You Still Got It" chant.
  
  Third lock-up is a draw, where the ref has to step in for a rope break, but HHH doesn't do it clean, and catches Sting with a cheap shot. But Sting basically no sells it, and almost gets the Scorpion Death Lock cinched in. HHH is really worried, now, so he retreats all the way to ringside, and paces for a bit.
  
  After the reset, Sting wins the next exchange, whipping HHH into the corner, with HHH doing a semi-Flair-flip to the floor. But when Sting follows, HHH takes over outside of the ring, by dodging a charge and causing Sting to crash into the barricade.
  
  HHH follows up by ramming Sting into the ring steps, and then suplexing him from the apron, into the center of the ring. Drops a knee, and goes for his first near fall of the night. Of course Sting kicks out easily. But the beatdown is on.
  
  We are introduced to the notion that Sting started with a burst of adrenaline, but now, reality is crashing back down on him, and he's out of gas.
  
  Sting fires up out of a chinlock, and after a bit of back and forth-y, he actually does cinch in the Scorpion Death Lock.... and instantly, the DX theme music fires up, and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, and X-Pac run down to break it up.
  
  Sting fights them all off, and then goes up top, leaping from the top rope, to the floor, onto all four guys. That gets a "This is Awe Some" chant. Sweet.
  
  But when Sting tries to take it back into the ring, Billy causes one last moment of distraction, allowing HHH to hit the Pedigree.
  
  But Sting kicks out at the last instant. Triple is frustrated, but he knows exactly what he's gotta do... he goes under the ring, and grabs Sweet Lady Sledge. ANd he's about to use it.
  
  Which is when the nWo theme music fires up. There's no running involved, but Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall head to the ring.
  
  After a long, slow saunter, in which we can't be entirely sure whose side they are on, Hogan/Nash/Hall take out Dogg/Billy/Pac, while HHH looks on and screams at them. Meantime, Sting has recovered, and hits HHH with the Death Drop.
  
  But HHH kicks out at 2.
  
  Sting goes for the Death Lock, and gets it cinched in. HHH's last hope is to grab the Sledge... but Hogan dives into the ring and grabs it.
  
  Billy attacks Hogan. Nash attacks Billy. Pac takes out Nash. Hall to the rescue, and Road Dogg takes him out. Should be back down to the two legal guys, right?
  
  HHH ALMOST gets a rope break, but Sting drags him back to the center of the ring and recinches the hold. It looks like HHH is gonna have to tap...
  
  Which is when Shawn Michaels materializes out of nowhere and hits Sting with a superkick to MASSIVE boos. HBK with a Crotch Chop, just to underscore that he's being a jerk, and he leaves the ring.
  
  HHH goes for the cover.
  
  But Sting barely rolls the shoulder up at the last second. YAY~!!!!!
  
  HHH calls for the Sledge, and Billy hands it to him. But before HHH can use it, Hall hands Sting his baseball bat. The two circle each other, and Sting swings first, snapping the sledgehammer in two. Nice.
  
  Sting is now firmly in control, and finally sets up for the Stinger Splash... but as Sting flies in, HHH gets the head of the sledge and buries it in Sting's midsection.
  
  One Pedigree later, and Triple H is your winner. BOO~!!!!!
  
  I'm not sure I see the point of HHH winning, but damn if that wasn't just about the best Sports Entertainment Spectacle that WWE's put on in years. Started with about 12 minutes of decent action (Sting looked pretty good for his age), and ended with 8 minutes of absolutely insane swerves and surprises that had you on the edge of your seat. I mean, come on, I might have had HHH as a major underdog, but I'd have considered it a billion times less likely that Hogan, Hall, and Nash show up and take actual bumps here in the Year of Our Lord 2015.
  
  It's certainly not the same thing as the opener, but it's still just as awesome in a totally different way.
   
  THe only thing I didn't like: when it was all over, HHH and Sting had a Handshake of Mutual Respect, while the others guys hung around for the Mutual Admiration Society. The hell, man? That's what you do after a legit one-on-one decisive finish, not what you do after one guy cheats his ass off. Oh well... it's stupid, but it's not too stupid to ruin it for me.
  
  
• Backstage: Maria Menounous is standing by with the new IC Champ, Daniel Bryan. But before she can conduct anything resembling an interview, former IC Champs start showing up to congratulate Bryan. Starts with Pat Patterson. Then Roddy Piper. Then Ricky Steamboat. Then Ric Flair. Then Bret Hart. Everybody ends up YESsing like crazy. So it's not the World Title, but it is a whole bunch of awesome legends glossing over THEIR catchphrases to chant YOURS, Bryan. Revel in it!
  
  And then, even though he never won the IC Title, Ron Simmons just HAS to pop in to sum things up with a DAMN.
  
  
• Pissbreak: we get a "musical" interlude that didn't actually include any sort of musical performance. Unless you count karaoke as a musical talent. Which you really shouldn't.
  
  Yes, it's true: I'm a "rockist." Which I didn't even know was a thing, until I read an article in which Dave Grohl was accused of being one. It turns out that's exactly what I am. And that I'm in great company.
  
  
• AJ Lee & Paige beat the Bella Twins. Paige wants to start, AJ lets her. After about 20 seconds of dominance, Paige finds herself on the defensive. Nikki even takes the time to shove AJ off the apron, so Paige is stuck fighting solo for the time being.
  
  The Bellas cut the ring in half, for the ultra-time-compressed face-in-peril segment. When AJ tries to get back up on the apron, Brie hits a running knee, and sends AJ back to the floor for another minute or two. And the beatdown continues.
  
  AJ back up onto the apron. This time, Nikki takes her back down with a dropkick. And Paige is still Ricky Morton. It builds up to Nikki hitting the Rack Attack... but Paige kicks out at 2.
  
  Nikki backs Paige into the enemy corner, and Paige is able to fight her way out. Eventually, both Bellas end up on the floor... Paige notices there is no partner to tag, so she gets reckless, hitting a flying senton to the floor, taking out both Bellas.
  
  That interlude gave AJ enough time to make it back up onto the apron, and Paige was able to crawl over to make the hot tag.
  
  AJ is the proverbial house o' fire, requiring Brie to come in and break up a pinfall. Paige comes in to counteract that, and the ref gets distracted trying to get Paige out of the ring.
  
  This allows a quick doubleteam by the Bellas, for a convincing near fall. But then, after Paige drops Brie, leaving AJ and Nikki alone in the ring, AJ wins a quick grapple, and locks in the Black Widow. Nikki has to tap out.
  
  Would have loved to see this get another 5 minutes or so (to suggest that there wasn't enough time on a 7-match, 4-hour show is silly; there is a LOT of pointless filler that could have been axed), but I guess we'll take what we can get. This was a good, but time-compressed 7 minute match, that told a nice little story of Paige keeping her team in the match with a valiant effort, and then AJ nailed down the win with one of her own.
  
  
• Hall of Fame Curtain Call: the entire WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2015 come out on the stage, and and get introduced by Howard Finkel. Nash actually got his own entrance, as the headliner of the class, and walked out, sporting a suit. So not only did he NOT tear his quad in the unexpected Geriatric Bumpfest, he had time for a costume change.
  
  Also, we pass the top of the hour,  here, which means we have 2 hours left. And only 3 matches. Something's got to give, right?
   
  
• John Cena defeats Rusev to become the NEW United States Champion. Lana's back with Rusev. I forgot to mention that, during the preshow, she walked up to Rusev, apologized to him, and promised him she would never show weakness or compassion ever again. So Rusev took her back, because he likes his women heartless.
  
  Rusev also gets a huge enhanced entrance, with marching soldiers and the Soviet National Anthem, while he rides a tank to the ring. I've said my piece about how WWE is going the insultingly cheap route by playing into a dated and silly worldview... but hey, I'll give it up: they just doubled down on it with that ridiculous display, and it worked. Even I sort of liked it (which isn't the intended reaction, but whatever). Cheap Heat is still heat.
  
  And Rusev's got a lot of it.
  
  Cena gets a special, America-y entrance, with a video that only underscores how silly and dated this presentation is: there's a grand total of 7 seconds of soundbites from the past 30 years. The rest of the 3 minutes is limited to the Cold War, with Reagan as the most recent and most prolific of the featured US leaders. Is this supposed to make us feel patriotic, or nostalgic?
  
  Once Cena's usual entrance kicks in, the crowd stops worrying about the distinction, and just starts sing-songing "John Cena SUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKSSS' along with his theme.
  
  Rusev opens with a pretty impressive display of power and speed, a unique blend, to say the least. Big throws and slams, but then high spinning kicks and cannonballs, too. The crowd is, at best, half behind Cena, so Rusev stops being bad-ass, and grabs a Russian flag, and waves it for some more cheap heat.
  
  The gloating gives Cena an opening for a rally, but the crowd forgets about patriotism and mostly boos Super Cena as he builds up to a Five Knuckle Shuffle. Then, when Rusev evades it at the last second, there's an audible pop.
  
  Rusev back in control, and gets his first near fall off a wrap-around uranage. Rusev eventually sets up for a superplex, but Cena headbutts out of it, and sends Rusev crashing to the mat. Cena follows up with his flying legdrop for his first near fall.
  
  The conflicted crowd finally decides that there's one thing they can all agree upon: a "Let's Go, Lana!" chant. Heh.
  
  Rusev turned the tide back in his favor with a savate kick, but Cena counters a corner charge with a Tornado DDT for a near fall. Cena can't immediately follow up, so once he rejoins the fight, Rusev is able to match him, blow for blow.
  
  So they start trading right hands, and the crowd plays a little YAY/BOO. Rusev wins the exchange when he changes gears and hits a knee strike instead of a punch. Rusev calls for the end, but Cena blocks his set-up Stomp by grabbing Rusev's foot, and turning it into an SSTF.
  
  Rusev is in trouble, and Lana tries to help out by throwing her shoes at Cena, but Cena keeps the hold locked in. Rusev finally gets a rope break. Cena makes the mistake of turning to berate Lana, and Rusev is able to regroup and catch Cena with a kick.
  
  Then, Rusev busted out a new trick: he goes up top and hit a diving headbutt. Wow. That actually get him a big cheer and a "ROO SEV ROO SEV" chant. But Cena kicks out at 2.
  
  Rusev once again goes for his finisher, landing the stomp part, but he cannot get the Camel Clutch all the way locked in. Cena powers out, and after a criss cross, Cena has a new trick of his own: a springboard stunner. Yes, you read that right. Impressive. But it, too, only gets a 2.
  
  Another bit of triple reverse-y, and Rusev finally gets the Camel Clutch locked in. Cena powers out, actually standing up, with Rusev on his back, and ramming Rusev into the turnbuckle for the break.
  
  As Rusev stumbles forward, Cena picks the ankle, and once again gets the SSTF. This time, when Rusev almsot gets a rope break, Cena yanks him back to the middle of the ring...
  
  But that's when Lana gets up on the apron, momentarily distracting Cena. Rusev gets up and charges at Cena, but Cena dodges, and Rusev collides with Lana, sending her flying about 10 feet up the aisle and to the floor. Well, that's why she had to lose the shoes. You do not take that bump in heels...
  
  Meantime, Rusev rebounds and walks right into an F-U. Cena is your new US Champ, after a very good 15 minute match in which you can make all the Super Cena jokes you want, but he still stepped it up, busted ass (including new moves), and made Rusev's first loss a memorable one for everybody involved.
  
  After the match, Rusev paused to yell at Lana, and then stormed off while trainers checked on her, which I'm sure is because she's not actually done with her movie; she just got the weekend off.
  
  
• Let's Take a Moment for a, uhhhhhh, WrestleMania, ummmmmm, Moment. Triple H and Stephanie come out to introduce tonight’s attendance… it’s a new record for the venue, 76,976. But HHH and Steph don’t usually slum it to make attendance announcements, like lowly ring announcers. There’s gotta be more to it.
  
  And sure enough, there is, as HHH launches into a spiel about how it’s nights like tonight that make life so sweet. First, he beat Sting, and now, he’s the driving force behind a new attendance record. Hell, it’s like he didn’t just beat Sting, lit’s like he personal beat all 76,976 of you suckers.
  
  Whether you like it or you don’t, it doesn’t matter, cuz it’s just how it…..
  
  IF YA SMEELLLLLLLLLLLLL…
  
  Holy shit, it’s the Rock, fresh off hosting SNL last night, and he gets a monster pop as he heads to the ring. Then, once his music cuts out, he gets a sustained, 5-minute “ROCK EE” chant.
  
  When the people let him speak, he declares that HHH does not own the People. He sure as hell doesn’t own the Rock. So the Rock figures there’s two options: (1) HHH can head to the back and play Terminator Dress Up again, or (2) they can create another WrestleMania Moment by reviving one of the greatest feuds of all time.
  
  The fans want it. HHH even steps into a staredown. But the way HHH remembers it, he won that feud, so he’s got nothing left to prove. HHH steps back.
  
  “Well, so the Rock admits he left his heart in San Francisco. But who knew that HHH left his balls in Stanford, Connecticut?” That gets HHH steaming, but Steph steps in, and puts a smile on HHH’s face by sass mouthing the Rock, claiming that there would be no Rock without the McMahon Family, starting with her grandfather, on down to her dad, and now, it’s all hers.
  
  The crowd opines “SHANE O MAC SHANE O MAC,” and I can’t disagree. The place would be in lots better shape if he’d been given the keys to the castle. But I digress.
  
  Rocky now has issues with both HHH and Stephanie, but he’s a gentleman, and won’t hit a lady…. so we’re at an impasse.
  
  Or are we?
  
  The crowd once again has an idea: “RON DA ROUSE EEE, RON DA ROUSE EEEE!” Holy shit, that’s a hell of an idea. She and the Horsewomen ARE just sitting there at ringside.
  
  And sure enough, there goes the Rock, to ask UFC's Ronda Rousey into the ring. And she’s down with that. She jumps the barricade, and steps into the middle of the ring, where Steph does her best homage to her dad by giving a big ol’ gulp of fear.
  
  Steph tries to smooth things over by claiming that she’s totally friends with Rousey, and friends don’t fight, right? But Ronda isn’t falling for the suck-up act. So Steph changes gears… she says that she totally gets that Ronda is the queen of the Octagon, and Steph would be foolish to test her on her own turf.
  
  But this isn’t her turf, this is the Squared Circle, so Ronda better forget any ideas she’s having, and get the hell of out Stephanie’s ring.
  
  Ronda is not intimidated, so Rock hands her a mic. Ronda says that any ring she steps into instantly becomes her ring. So Steph better take that into consideration before SHE gets any ideas.
  
  Steph immediately stops having any ideas, and demurs, leading to the Rock making a joke about HHH not being the only one to misplace his balls. Instantly, HHH grabs a mic and says he’s had just about enough of this crap, and furthermore, that’s gonna be the last thing Rock says about his wife, OR ELSE, understand?
   
  Rock just nods and says, “Perfectly understood. You’re right. I won’t say another word.”
   
  Then he cold cocks HHH, and lays the smack down in the corner. When HHH stumbles out, Ronda catches him with a textbook hip toss that HHH sells like he was shot out of a canon. He rolls all the way out of the ring to the mat.
  
  Stephanie gets up on Ronda’s face, and eventually decides to slap the hell out of Ronda. Bad idea. Rousey blocks it and catches Steph in a sort of arm bar, wrenching back, and threatening to break it. But with the huge pop and her point made, Ronda releases the hold, and Steph dives out of the ring to join her husband in making an indignant (and embarrassing) retreat.
  
  The Rock caps it by saying “You're welcome everyone, there’s a WrestleMania Moment you can tell the grandkids about. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK, AND RONDA, ARE COOOOOOOKING~!”
  
  I’m sure, somewhere out there, the wankerverse is erupting with jokes about how HHH won’t job to Sting, but he will job to a girl. But screw them. This was 20 minutes of nothing but incredible fun. And if you didn’t like it, you can’t be my friend.
  
  
• The Undertaker defeats Bray Wyatt.  Bray gets an enhanced entrance, with zombies and stuff. Also, he's still got the lantern. Even though it's daylight (the finest kind of daylight, even: BROAD~!).
   
  Taker gets a stripped down entrance. Just him, in a trench coat. Is it just me, or is this the best Taker has looks in a couple years? Or maybe it’s just that he’s got a normal haircut, instead of that stupid-ass mohawk. Whatever it is, I’m gonna say he looks like the Undertaker, while the past couple years, he did kinda look like an old man version of the Undertaker.
  
  Bell rings, Bray charges, and Taker cuts him down with a big boot. Another couple moves, and Taker’s treated to his own “You Still Got It” chant.
  
  Bray sneaks in a couple of shots, but when he clotheslines Taker over the top rope, Taker lands on his feet, and continues the assault, including the apron leg drop. Back in the ring, Taker also hits Snake Eyes, but as he stalks and ponders his next move, Bray sprints at him with a low cross body.
  
  With that, Wyatt’s in control. There are definitely some vocal Wyatt fans, but the majority are clearly behind the Undertaker. Bray pummels away with a methodical assault, in which he’s just picking apart the Undertaker. One of his bigger shots is essentially a flying shoulder tackle in which he drives Taker’s skull into the ring post while flipping over the steps. Kinda Bray’s own version of Foley’s running knee while his opponent is seated in front of the steps.
  
  Back in the ring, Bray kept it going for a minute or two before Taker catches him in a triangle choke… Wyatt frantically escapes, and both men are down. Ref applies a double count. Another exchange, ending with Wyatt’s running denton for a near fall. Taker kicks out.
  
  Bray heads to the corner, and hangs upside down…. but there is no Exorcist Spider Walk, because Bray’s secretly nursing a very badly sprained ankle. Instead, he just gets up and walks over, normally, to set up for the Sister Abigail. Taker powers out, and hits a chokeslam.
  
  Crowd’s feeling it, and Taker slits the throat. He sets up for the Tombstone. Hits it. Makes the cover. ONE. TWO. KICK OUT! Crowd bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Taker sells frustration, too.
  
  But then he stands up, goes for the throat slit, but then thinks better of it, and just immediately goes for the Tombstone. Wyatt escapes out the back door, and hits a flash Sister Abigail.
   
  But Taker kicks out at 2. Wyatt can’t follow up, so both men are down, and the ref applies another double count.
  
  Wyatt is first “up,” by springing up and hanging upside down, staring and laughing at Taker’s carcass. But then Taker does the Zombie Sit-Up, and Bray immediately melts to the mat, intimidated.
  
  They go back and forth again, this time, Wyatt gets the better of it, and he mocks Taker with a throat slit…. but when Bray goes for Sister Abigail, Taker powers out, turns it into another Tombstone, cross the arms, and makes the cover.
  
  This time, Wyatt stays down for the three count.
  
  This was the exact inverse of Orton/Rollins. There wasn’t a whole lot of action to appreciate, if you’re a work rate wanker…. but the mere fact that you didn’t know who was gonna win, but everybody cared immensely about finding out, created an undeniable atmosphere and sizzle that meant the last 5 minutes or so of this match were tremendously satisfying and exciting.
   
  And for whatever it’s worth, who knows if these two might not have churned out something even better if Bray was 100% and his beatdown segment had a bit more pace to it? Taker looked good, and all (better than the last couple years), but there was still a LOT riding on Wyatt being able to shoulder the work load and carry the match. And if it’s true that he actually had to ride a golf cart back to the trainer’s room after an in-ring ankle sprain yesterday, then he wasn’t at his best tonight.
  
  
• Seth Rollins cashes in Money in the Bank, creating a Triple Threat Match, and winning the WWE Title in what was originally a Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns singles match. From the hype videos and “tale of the tape,” it’s worth noting that WWE is now counting Brock Lesnar’s title reign in days. They haven’t done that since CM Punk. And before that? Who the hell remembers. Tonight is 223 days. My interpretation: WWE has decided to scrub CM Punk from the record books, which means Lesnar’s winning tonight (and every night, till at least Survivor Series; and possibly till WM32).
  
  Then again, I might be conflating what I HOPE happens with what will actually happen. Let’s sit back and find out…
  
  Reigns enters first, through the crowd, and when he gets to the ring, there’s a huge pyro burst across the entire top of the stadium when he does his “punch the ground” pose. Hmmmmmm…. would WWE pay for two pyro celebrations, or did Reigns just burn his only one? Or am I still just trying to talk myself into believing Lesnar’s gonna win?
  
  Brock enters second, and there’s no doubt that he’s the fan favorite with about 85% of the live audience. He also gets a pyro burst, but it’s not a huge thing, just a slightly modified version of his usual one, limited to the entrance set and ring posts.
  
  Nope, wait: there’s another one (kind of at random, not choreographed) across the top of the stadium, too. So maybe don’t read anything into any of that.
  
  Full boxing-style ring intros from Lilian. For as much as they were playing up the hometown aspect of the Samoans all week, she makes sure to emphasize that Reigns is from Pensacola, FL. The crowd probably wouldn’t care either way. The boos come raining down. Then, Heyman actually takes the mic away from Lilian to do a huge intro for Brock. If the goal was to entice at least a FEW boos, it didn’t work.
  
  Bell rings. Reigns charges. Lesnar bear hugs him. Reigns tries to punch his way out. It doesn’t work. German suplex. F-5. And Lesnar’s in complete control. For whatever reason, Lesnar doesn’t go for a cover. I think it’s because he’s pissed.
   
  Reigns drew blood on one of his flailing blows, and Lesnar wipes it away from his left eye before resuming the asskicking.
  
  Reigns tries to fire up with some right hands and a few clotheslines, but Lesnar pretty much no sells them, and stays on his feet, chuckling at Reigns before ducking a clothesline and hitting another German. Some more strikes, another German. Brock says, “Suplex city, bitch.”
  
  Reigns tries to fire up with right hands, and is treated to a chorus of boos. Then treated to a knee lift. And another German. I think that’s 4. Maybe 5. Lawler’s claiming 5, anyway, but I had it at 4.
  
  Another German. Let’s just go with the announcers for now. That’s 6.
  
  Brock drapes Reigns over the top rope, and then just brutalizes him with knee lifts and forearm blows. The crowd chants “THIS IS AWE SOME.” You sick, sick, magnificent, sick sons of bitches.
  
  Lesnar with a final ultra-stiff knee, which sends Reigns flying off the rope and to the floor. Lesnar is willing to take the count-out win. But Reigns makes it up and onto the apron at 7. So Lesnar charges him….
  
  But Reigns has a trick up his sleeve, and catches Lesnar with a knee of his own. He follows it up with some more punches and strikes, but then Lesnar just mans up again and shoulder tackles Reigns back down to the floor.
  
  Lesnar must be pissed (he’s also bleeding from the mouth, now), because he follows, and lands a few more vicious shots on the floor, before taking it back into the ring.
  
  Once there, he hits a standard vertical duplex, which is so forceful that it sends Reigns flying out of the ring. Lesnar goes and fetches Reigns, and then brings him back into the ring with a killer belly-to-belly suplex from the apron into the ring. The crowd starts chanting “EIGHT EIGHT EIGHT,” so I guess we aren’t distinguishing among suplexes, and also that Lawler’s count was right.
  
  The chyron informs us that “Suplex City” is the #1 Worldwide Trend on Twitter. D’oh. You’re doing it wrong, twitter. It’s “Suplex City, BITCH.”
  
  Lesnar with an F-5, just because he can.
  
  But Reigns kicks out at 2.
  
  Lesnar’s starting to get annoyed. So he just bitchslaps Reigns. All of a sudden, Reigns starts laughing. LAUGHING, are you shitting me?
  
  Lesnar drops Reigns with a strike. Still laughing. Reigns, you so crazy.
  
  German. German. That’s an even 10. F-5. Reigns still kicks out, but he’s no longer laughing, at least.
  
  Lesnar’s confidence does appear shaken, however, as he’s not entirely sure how to proceed. He half-assedly follows Reigns to the floor, where Reigns catches him off guard with a quick punch, and then throws him head-first into the steel ring post.
  
  And Lesnar comes up gushing blood. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first blade job since the PG Era started 7 years ago.
  
  This just stuns Lesnar even more, and he doesn’t know what to do.
  
  Reigns tosses him back into the ring. Superman Punch. Kick out. Superman Punch. Superman Punch. Kick out. Spear. Spear. Kick out.
  
  Reigns sets up for a third spear, but Lesnar picks him out of mid-flight with another F-5.
  
  And then…..
  
  Seth Rollins music hits. He sprints to the ring. Talks to the ref. The ref talks to Lilian. Lilian declares that Seth Rollins is cashing in, and as a result, this is now a Triple Threat Match.
  
  Uh, I’m pretty sure that’s now how Money in the Bank works….. but I also don’t give a shit!
  
  Rollins with a Curb Stomp on Reigns. Rollins stalks Lesnar. Rollins attacks. Lesnar catches Rollins and hoists him up for an F-5. But Reigns leaps into frame and spears the hell out of Lesnar, giving Rollins a soft landing. But Reigns is on all fours.
  
  Rollins with a Curb Stomp.
  
  Rollins covers Reigns.
  
  The ref counts three.
  
  Seth Rollins is the new WWE Champion.
  
  He sprints up the ramp to celebrate from the safety of the stage, while Heyman tries to tell Lesnar that he just lost his title without losing the match, and while Reigns is flat on his ass.
  
  Whoa, a lot to wrap our heads around here. Once again, the fans of work rate might not find a lot here to like, but man alive, it’s awesome sensory overload for the rest of us. They combined the spectacle of Lesnar/Cena at SummerSlam with the shock value of the best and most unexpected MitB cash-ins of all time (I’m especially thinking about Edge’s first one, which also came out of nowhere and ended a PPV in jaw-dropping fashion), and the results were just off the charts.
  
  Go ahead and be difficult if you must, but for most of us, I’m saying this was one hell of a 25 minute Sports Entertainment Spectacle, and a fitting climax to the biggest event of the year.

And so ends the show. And there you have your reason for both Lesnar and Reigns getting extra pyro during their entrances.... because NEITHER of them was gonna win, and it'd look silly for an unannouced Seth Rollins to have pyro set up for HIS unexpected victory.
 
But who cares about the reasons why some fireworks went off at different times than they normally would have? That was just one hell of a big finish to a show for which most had low expectations. I mean, it was really only since Tuesday (when Brock announced he was staying with WWE) that the main event became remotely worth caring about.... most fans were hitching their wagon to the 7-way Ladder IC Match as the best chance for restaurant quality entertainment.
 
And while said ladder match kicked off the show with a bang, it by no means stole the show or outshined everything that followed. It certainly featured the best objective in-ring work of the night, with all kinds of crazy athleticism and risk-taking.... but there are many ways to skin a cat, and WWE managed to use just about all of them tonight.
 
The night's second match featured some more objectively good in-ring work, but without much in the way of sizzle or excitement, because most fans liked the heel (Rollins) about as much as they like the face (Orton), and thus, it didn't really matter who won. And yet, in the end, the Best RKO Ever happened, and so you're not gonna forget that.
 
The night's third match was a Sports Entertainment Spectacle the likes of which we haven't seen in ages, with "Wait, did that really just happen" Moment after "Wait, now THIS is happening" Moment, and by the time all was said and done, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall had all taken bumps, and somehow, Shawn Michaels was a heel. None of us bet on HHH to win, but we ALL would have taken that bet before we'd have bet on any of th things in the preceding sentence.
 
The night's fourth match was a perfectly serviceable, if time-compressed tag match in which a Face in Peril (Paige) fought the good fight, allowing her Robert Gibson (AJ) to win the good fight.
 
The night's fifth match was based on a pretty silly and one-dimensional storyline, requiring one to revert to an antiquated world view, but Cena and Rusev still busted their asses, introduced new moves, and ultimately gave us a memorable US Title change.
 
Then the whole thing with Rock and Ronda Rousey happened, and it wasn't a match, but it took 20 or 25 minutes, and was jsut really really fun.
 
The night's sixth match wasn't a workrate marvel, or anything, but built up to a great end game, where the fans were buzzing and on the edge of their seat, waiting to see who would win and how. And in the end, it was the Undertaker, who looked pretty good and in no way out of place, which hopefully means he'll get his fitting send off in his home state next year at WM32.
 
And the night's main event? Well, that was just off the charts for all the reasons already mentioned. The added excitement of knowing that Brock's sticking around means no matter what happened, we'll have to care.... even doing a finish as crazy as tonight's, if Brock's just up and leaving tomorrow night, and we're just left with Rollins and Reigns pretending like they're really the only two guys with a horse in this race, it doesn't work.
 
But now, not only does it work, but it can be used to explain the very reason why Lesnar isn't on TV every week. WWE will acknowledge and sanction Rollins' title matches, but Brock and Heyman will refuse to acknowledge the title change, and he'll still be here, hanging around, absolutely undefeated and still with a claim to the title. Is he really just a challenger? Nope. Is he an absentee uncrowned champion? Probably. Is somebody getting their ass kicked the next time he decides to put on the trunks. Oh hell, yeah.
 
Obviously, I'd prefer if that date was sooner than later (as outlined in my WM Preview, I think Lesnar needs to work 6 matches and 24 RAWs per year, and you can make that work, if he's actually in the title hunt and not just a Taker-esque special attraction), and I'd prefer it if Heyman uses his mastery of psychology and language to spin this in such a way that Lesnar is actually still the champion. I mean, if having two champions is good enough for UFC (which is real), then it's good enough for WWE, right? 
 
Good tag title match on the preshow, too. Can't totally leave that out of the discussion.
 
But for now, I think this is enough discussion. I've sputtered out whatever I'm gonna be able to muster for right now. Give me a night to sleep on it and process it all, and I might be more insightful tomorrow, with the RAW Recap.
 
I'll see you then, and as far as tonight goes, I can't see a single good reason why WrestleMania 31 doesn't get a grade of A. I can totally understand why you might not have been feeling it in the run-up to the show (I mean, I wasn't really expecting a whole lot, my own self), but this was an event that definitely delivered the goods, and delivered them in myriad ways, so that ALL your itches got scratched.
 
Good times.... see you tomorrow!